CHAPTER IV MILLIE RECOVERS HER BREATH

 On the next afternoon about four of the clock Millie was writing letters with a sort of vindictive¹ fury at Victoria's desk. Beppo had just brought her a cup of tea; there it stood at her side with the bread and butter badly cut as usual. But she did not care. She must work, work, work.

Like quicksilver were her fingers, her eyes flashed fire, the rain beat upon the windows and the loneliness and desolation were held at bay.

The door opened and in came Major Mereward; he looked as usual, untidy, with his hair towselled, his moustache ragged² and his trousers baggy—not a military major at all—but now a light shone in his eyes and his eyebrows³ gleamed with the reflection of it. He knew that Millie was his friend, and coming close to her and stammering⁴, he said:

"Miss Trenchard. It's all right. It's all right. Victoria will marry me."

Her heart leaped up. She was astonished at the keenness of her pleasure. She could then still care for other people's happiness.

"Oh, I am glad! I am glad!" she cried, jumping up and shaking him warmly by the hand. "I never was more pleased about anything."

"Well, now, that is nice—that's very nice of you. It will be all right, won't it? You know I'll do my best to make her happy."

"Why, of course you will," cried Millie. "You know that I've wanted her to marry you from ever so long ago. It's just what I wanted."

He set back his shoulders, looking so suddenly a man of strength and character that Millie was astonished.

[Pg 303]

"I know that I'm not very clever," he said. "Not in your sort of way, but cleverness isn't everything when you come to my time of life and Victoria's."

"No, indeed it isn't," said Millie with conviction.

"I'm glad you think so," he said, sighing so hastily that quite a little breeze sprang up. "I thought you'd feel otherwise. But I know Victoria better than she thinks. I'm sure I shall make her happy."

"I'm sure you will," said Millie. They shook hands again. Mereward looked about him confusedly.

"Well, I mustn't keep you from your work. Hard at it, I see. Hum, yes . . . Hard at it, I see," and went.

Millie sat at her desk, her head propped⁵ on her hands. She wasn't dead then? She drank her tea and smoked a cigarette. Not dead as far as others were concerned. For herself, of course, life was entirely⁶ over. She must drag herself along, like a wounded bird, until death chose to come and take her. The tea was delicious. She got up and looked at herself in the glass. She was wearing an old orange jumper to-day; she'd put it on just because it was old and it didn't matter what she wore. Yes, it was old. Time to buy another one. There was one—a kind of purple—in Debenham & Freebody's window. . . . But why think of jumpers when her life was over? Only five days ago she had died, and here she was thinking of jumpers. Well, that was because she was so glad about Victoria. However finished your own personal life might be that did not mean that you could not be interested in the lives of others. She loved Victoria, and it would have been horrible had she married that terrible Bennett. Now Victoria was safe and Millie was glad. She must find her and tell her so.

She found her, as she expected, in her bedroom. Victoria had been wonderful to her during those three days, using a tact⁷ that you never would have expected. She must have known what had occurred but she had made no allusion⁸ to it, had not asked where He was, had watched over Millie with a tenderness and solicitude⁹ that, even though a little irritating, was very touching¹⁰.

Now she sat in her bedroom armchair, still wearing her[Pg 304] gay hat with peacocks' feathers; she was near laughter, nearer tears and altogether in a considerable confusion. Millie flung her arms around her and kissed her.

"Well, now, you've got your way," said Victoria, "and I hope you're glad. If the marriage is a terrible failure it will be all your fault; I hope you realize your responsibility. It was simply because I couldn't go on being nagged¹¹ by you any longer. Poor man. He did look so funny when he proposed to me, and when I said yes he just ran out of the room. He didn't kiss me or anything."

"He's just mad with delight," said Millie.

"Is he? Well, it's settled." She sat up, pushing her hat straight. "All my adventures are over, my Millie. It's a very sad thing, when you come to think of it. A quiet life for me now. It certainly wouldn't have been quiet with Mr. Bennett."

"Now don't you go sighing over him," said Millie. "Make the most of your Major."

"Oh, I shan't sigh after him," said Victoria, sighing nevertheless. "But it would be lovely to feel wildly in love. I don't feel wildly in love at all. Do you know, Millie mine, it's exactly what I feel if I want to buy a dress that's too expensive for me. Excited for days and days as to whether I will or I won't. And then I decide that I will and the excitement's all over. Of course I have the dress. But it isn't as nice as the excitement."

"Perhaps the excitement will come with marriage," said Millie, feeling infinitely¹² old. "It often does."

"Now how ridiculous," cried Victoria, jumping up, "to talk of excitement at my age. I ought to be thankful that I can be married at all. I'm sure he's a good man. Perhaps I wish that he weren't quite so good as he is."

"You wait," said Millie, "he may develop terribly after marriage. They often do. He may beat you and spend your money riotously¹³ and leave you for weeks at a time."

"Oh, do you think so?" said Victoria, her cheeks flushing. "That would be splendid. Just the risk of it, I mean. But I'm afraid there isn't much hope. . . ."

"You never know," Millie replied. "And now, dear, if you'll let me I'll be off. You'll find all the letters answered[Pg 305] in a pile on the desk waiting for you to sign. The one from Mr. Block I've left you to answer for yourself." She paused. "After your marriage you won't be wanting me any more, I suppose?"

"Want you! I shall want you more than ever. You darling! I'm never going to let you go unless you——" Here she felt on dangerous ground and ended, "unless you want to go yourself, I mean."

"No, you didn't mean that," said Millie. "What you meant was unless I marry. Well, you can make your mind easy—I'm never going to marry. Never! I'm going to die an old maid."

"And you so beautiful!" cried Victoria. "I don't think so," and she threw her arms round Millie's neck and gave her one of those soft and soapy kisses that Millie so especially detested¹⁴.

But on her way home she forgot the newly-engaged. The full tide of her own personal wretchedness swept up and swallowed her in dark and blinding waters. She had noticed that it was always like that. She seemed free—coldly, indifferently free—independent of the world, standing¹⁵ and watching with scorn humanity, and then of a sudden the waters caught, at her feet, the tide drew her, the foam¹⁶ was in her eyes and with agony she drowned in the flood of recollection, of vanished tenderness, of frustrated¹⁷ hope.

It was so now: she did not see the people with her in the Tube nor hear their voices. Only she saw Bunny and heard his voice and felt his cheek against hers.

Then there followed, as there always followed, the fight to return to him, not now reasoning nor recalling any definite fact or argument, but only, as it had been that first night, the impulse to return, to find him again, to be with him and near him at all possible cost or sacrifice.

She was fighting her own misery¹⁸, staring in front of her, her hands clenched¹⁹ on her lap, when she heard her name called. At first the voice seemed to call from far away: "Millie! Millie!" Then quite close to her. Some one, sitting almost opposite to her was leaning forward and speaking to her. She raised her head out of her own troubles and looked and saw that it was Peter.

[Pg 306]

Peter! The very sight of his square shoulders and thick, resolute²⁰ figure reassured²¹ her. Peter! Strangely she had not actually thought of him in all this recent trouble, but the consciousness of him had nevertheless been there behind her. She smiled, her face breaking into light, and then, with that swift sympathy that trouble gives, she realized that he himself was unhappy. Something had happened to him, and how tired he was! His eyes were pinched with grey lines, his head hung forward a little as though it was tumbling to sleep.

Just then Baker²² Street Station arrived and they got out together. He caught her arm and they went up in the lift together. They came out to a lovely autumn evening, the sky dotted with silver stars and the wall of Tussaud's pearl-grey against the faint jade²³ of the fading light. "What's the matter, Millie?" he asked. "I haven't seen you for a fortnight. I was watching you before I spoke²⁴ to you. You looked too tragic²⁵ before I spoke to you. What's up?"

"I was going to ask you the same question," she said.

"Oh, I'm only tired. Here, I'll walk with you as far as your rooms. I want to get an evening paper anyway."

"Only tired? What's made you?"

"I'll tell you in a minute. But tell me your trouble first. That is, if you want to."

"Oh, my trouble!" she shrugged²⁶ her shoulders. "Ordinary enough, Peter. But I don't think I can talk about it, if you don't mind—at least not yet. Only this. That I'm not engaged and I'm never going to be again. I'm a free woman Peter."

She felt then his whole body tremble against hers. For an instant his hand pressed against her side with such force that it hurt. Then he took his hand from her arm and walked apart. He walked in silence, rolling a little from leg to leg as was his way. And he said nothing. She waited. She expected him to ask some question. He said nothing. Then, when at last they were turning down into Baker Street, his voice husky, he said:

"My trouble is that my wife's come back."

It took her some little while to realize that—then she said:

[Pg 307]

"Your wife?"

"Yes, after nearly twenty years. Of course I don't mean that that's a trouble. But she's ill—very ill indeed. She's very unhappy. She's had a terrible time."

"Oh, Peter, I am sorry!"

"Yes, it's difficult after all this time—difficult to find the joining-points. And I'm not very good at that—clumsy and slow."

"Is her illness serious? What is it?"

"Everything! Everything's the matter with her—heart and all. But that isn't her chief trouble. She's so lonely. Can't get near to anybody. It's so difficult to help her. I'm stupid," he repeated. They had come to Millie's door. They stood there facing one another in the dusk.

"Oh, I am sorry," she repeated.

"Well, you must help me," he suddenly jerked out, almost roughly. "Only you can."

"Help you? How?"

"Come and see her."

"I? . . . Oh no!" Millie shrank back.

"Yes, you must. Perhaps you can talk to her. Make her laugh a little. Make her a little less unhappy."

"I make any one laugh?"

"Yes. Just to look at you will do her good. Something beautiful. Something to take her out of herself——"

"Oh no, Peter, I can't. Please, please don't ask me."

"Yes, yes, you must." He was glaring at her as though he would strike her. "Do you remember when we three were in Henry's room alone and we swore friendship? We swore to help one another. Well, this is a way you can help me. And you've got to do it."

"Peter, don't ask me—just now——"

"Yes, now—at once. You have got to."

Suddenly she submitted.

"Very well, then. But I'll be no good. I'm no use to any one just now."

"When will you come?"

"Soon. . . ."

[Pg 308]

"No, definitely. To-morrow. What time?"

"Not to-morrow, Peter. The day after."

"Yes, to-morrow. To-morrow afternoon. About five."

"Very well."

"I'll expect you." He strode off. It was not until she was in her room that she realized that he had said no single word about her broken engagement.

1 vindictive   

adj.有报仇心的，怀恨的，惩罚的

参考例句：

• I have no vindictive feelings about it.我对此没有恶意。
• The vindictive little girl tore up her sister's papers.那个充满报复心的小女孩撕破了她姐姐的作业。

2 ragged   

adj.衣衫褴褛的，粗糙的，刺耳的

参考例句：

• A ragged shout went up from the small crowd.这一小群人发出了刺耳的喊叫。
• Ragged clothing infers poverty.破衣烂衫意味着贫穷。

3 eyebrows   

眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Eyebrows stop sweat from coming down into the eyes. 眉毛挡住汗水使其不能流进眼睛。
• His eyebrows project noticeably. 他的眉毛特别突出。

4 stammering   

v.结巴地说出( stammer的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• He betrayed nervousness by stammering. 他说话结结巴巴说明他胆子小。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• \"Why,\" he said, actually stammering, \"how do you do?\" “哎呀，\"他说，真的有些结结巴巴，\"你好啊？” 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹

5 propped   

支撑，支持，维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He sat propped up in the bed by pillows. 他靠着枕头坐在床上。
• This fence should be propped up. 这栅栏该用东西支一支。

6 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。

7 tact   

n.机敏，圆滑，得体

参考例句：

• She showed great tact in dealing with a tricky situation.她处理棘手的局面表现得十分老练。
• Tact is a valuable commodity.圆滑老练是很有用处的。

8 allusion   

n.暗示，间接提示

参考例句：

• He made an allusion to a secret plan in his speech.在讲话中他暗示有一项秘密计划。
• She made no allusion to the incident.她没有提及那个事件。

9 solicitude   

n.焦虑

参考例句：

• Your solicitude was a great consolation to me.你对我的关怀给了我莫大的安慰。
• He is full of tender solicitude towards my sister.他对我妹妹满心牵挂。

10 touching   

adj.动人的，使人感伤的

参考例句：

• It was a touching sight.这是一幅动人的景象。
• His letter was touching.他的信很感人。

11 nagged   

adj.经常遭责怪的；被压制的；感到厌烦的；被激怒的v.不断地挑剔或批评（某人）( nag的过去式和过去分词 )；不断地烦扰或伤害（某人）；无休止地抱怨；不断指责

参考例句：

• The old woman nagged (at) her daughter-in-law all day long. 那老太婆一天到晚地挑剔儿媳妇的不是。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She nagged him all day long. 她一天到晚地说他。 来自《简明英汉词典》

12 infinitely   

adv.无限地，无穷地

参考例句：

• There is an infinitely bright future ahead of us.我们有无限光明的前途。
• The universe is infinitely large.宇宙是无限大的。

13 riotously   

adv.骚动地，暴乱地

参考例句：

• Humboldt riotously picketed Von Trenk but the play was a hit. 尽管洪堡肆意破坏《冯·特伦克》的上演，然而这个剧还是轰动一时。 来自辞典例句
• Flung roses, roses, riotously with the throng. 随着人群欢舞，狂热地抛撒玫瑰，玫瑰。 来自互联网

14 detested   

v.憎恶，嫌恶，痛恨( detest的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• They detested each other on sight. 他们互相看着就不顺眼。
• The freethinker hated the formalist; the lover of liberty detested the disciplinarian. 自由思想者总是不喜欢拘泥形式者，爱好自由者总是憎恶清规戒律者。 来自辞典例句

15 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

16 foam   

v./n.泡沫，起泡沫

参考例句：

• The glass of beer was mostly foam.这杯啤酒大部分是泡沫。
• The surface of the water is full of foam.水面都是泡沫。

17 frustrated   

adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧

参考例句：

• It's very easy to get frustrated in this job. 这个工作很容易令人懊恼。
• The bad weather frustrated all our hopes of going out. 恶劣的天气破坏了我们出行的愿望。 来自《简明英汉词典》

18 misery   

n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦

参考例句：

• Business depression usually causes misery among the working class.商业不景气常使工薪阶层受苦。
• He has rescued me from the mire of misery.他把我从苦海里救了出来。

19 clenched   

v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He clenched his fists in anger. 他愤怒地攥紧了拳头。
• She clenched her hands in her lap to hide their trembling. 她攥紧双手放在腿上，以掩饰其颤抖。 来自《简明英汉词典》

20 resolute   

adj.坚决的，果敢的

参考例句：

• He was resolute in carrying out his plan.他坚决地实行他的计划。
• The Egyptians offered resolute resistance to the aggressors.埃及人对侵略者作出坚决的反抗。

21 reassured   

adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词)

参考例句：

• The captain's confidence during the storm reassured the passengers. 在风暴中船长的信念使旅客们恢复了信心。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• The doctor reassured the old lady. 医生叫那位老妇人放心。 来自《简明英汉词典》

22 baker   

n.面包师

参考例句：

• The baker bakes his bread in the bakery.面包师在面包房内烤面包。
• The baker frosted the cake with a mixture of sugar and whites of eggs.面包师在蛋糕上撒了一层白糖和蛋清的混合料。

23 jade   

n.玉石；碧玉；翡翠

参考例句：

• The statue was carved out of jade.这座塑像是玉雕的。
• He presented us with a couple of jade lions.他送给我们一对玉狮子。

24 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

25 tragic   

adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的

参考例句：

• The effect of the pollution on the beaches is absolutely tragic.污染海滩后果可悲。
• Charles was a man doomed to tragic issues.查理是个注定不得善终的人。

26 shrugged   

vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式）

参考例句：

• Sam shrugged and said nothing. 萨姆耸耸肩膀，什么也没说。
• She shrugged, feigning nonchalance. 她耸耸肩，装出一副无所谓的样子。 来自《简明英汉词典》