For Geoffrey Ludlow was hard hit! In vain he attempted to argue with himself that all he had done, was doing, and might do, was but prompted by benevolence7. A secret voice within him told him that his attempts at self-deceit were of the feeblest, and that, did he but dare to confess it, he knew that there was in this woman whom he had rescued from starvation an attraction more potent8 than he had ever yet submitted to. It was, it may be said, his duty to call and see how she was getting on, to learn that she wanted for nothing, to hear from her own lips that his orders for her comfort had been obeyed; but it was not his duty to sit watching jealously every glance of her eye, every turn of her head, every motion of her lithe9 fingers. It was _not_ his duty to bear away with him recollections of how she sat when she said this or answered that; of the manner in which, following a habit of hers, she would push back the thick masses of her gleaming hair, and tuck them away behind her pretty ears; or, following another habit, she would drum petulantly11 on the floor with her little foot, when talking of any thing that annoyed her--as, for instance, Mrs. Flexor's prying12 curiosity.
What was it that caused him to lie awake at night, tossing from side to side on his hot pillow, ever before him the deep-violet eyes, the pallid13 face set in masses of deep-red hair, the slight frail14 figure? What was it that made his heart beat loudly, his breath come thickly, his whole being tingle15 with a strange sensation--now ecstatic delight, now dull blank misery16? Not philanthropy, I trow. The superintendents17 of boys' reformatories and refuges for the houseless poor may, in thinking over what good they have achieved, enjoy a comfortable amount of self-satisfaction and proper pride; but I doubt if the feeling ever rises to this level of excitement. Not much wonder if Geoffrey himself, suffering acutely under the disease, knew not, or refused to avow18 to himself, any knowledge of the symptoms. Your darling child, peacefully sleeping in his little bed, shall show here and there an angry skin-spot, which you think heat or cold, or any thing else, until the experienced doctor arrives, and with a glance pronounces it scarlet-fever. Let us be thankful, in such a case, that the prostrate19 patient is young. Geoffrey's was as dire20 a malady21, and one which, coming on at forty years of age, usually places the sufferer in a perilous22 state. It was called Love; not the ordinary sober inclination23 of a middle-aged24 man, not that thin line of fire quivering amongst a heap of ashes which betokens25 the faded passion of the worn and sated voluptuary; this was boy-love, calf-love, mad-spooniness--any thing by which you can express the silliest, wildest, pleasantest, most miserable26 phase of human existence. It never comes but once to any one. The _caprices_ of the voluptuary are as like to each other as peas or grains of sand; the platonic27 attachments28 or the sentimental29 _liaisons_ indulged in by foolish persons of both sexes with nothing to do may have some slight shade of distinction, but are equally wanting in backbone30 and _vis_. Not to man or woman is it given to be ever twice "in love"--a simple phrase, which means every thing, but needs very little explanation. My readers will comprehend what I want to convey, and will not require my feeble efforts in depicting31 the state. Suffice it to say, that Geoffrey Ludlow, who had hitherto gone through life scot-free, not because he was case-hardened, not because he was infection-proof, or that he had run no risks, but simply from the merest chance,--now fell a victim to the disease, and dropped powerless before its attack.
He did not even strive to make head against it much. A little of his constitutional wavering and doubtfulness came into play for a short time, suggesting that this passion--for such he must allow it--was decidedly an unworthy one; that at present he knew nothing of the girl's antecedents; and that her actual state did not promise much for all she had to tell of what had gone before. At certain times too, when things present themselves in their least roseate garb33, notably34 on waking in the morning, for instance, he allowed, to himself, that he was making a fool of himself; but the confidence extended no farther. And then, as the day grew, and the sun came out, and he touched up his picture, and thought of the commissions Mr. Stompff had promised him, he became brighter and more hopeful, and he allowed his thoughts to feast on the figure then awaiting him in Little Flotsam Street, and he put by his sheaf of brushes and his palette, and went up and examined himself in the glass over the mantelpiece. He had caught himself doing this very frequently within the last few days, and, half-chuckling inwardly, had acknowledged that it was a bad sign. But though he laughed, he tweaked out the most prominent gray hairs in his beard, and gave his necktie a more knowing twist, and removed the dabs35 of stray paint from his shooting-coat. Straws thrown up show which way the wind blows, and even such little sacrifices to vanity as these were in Geoffrey Ludlow very strong signs indeed.
He had paid three visits to Little Flotsam Street; and on the fourth morning, after a very poor pretence36 of work, he was at the looking-glass settling himself preparatory to again setting out. Ever since that midnight adventure after the Titians meeting, Geoffrey had felt it impossible to take his usual daily spell at the easel, had not done five-pounds' worth of real work in the whole time, had sketched-in and taken out, and pottered, and smoked over his canvas, perfectly37 conscious that he was doing no good, utterly38 unable to do any better. On this fourth morning he had been even more unsuccessful than usual; he was highly nervous; he could not even set his palette properly, and by no manner of means could he apply his thoughts to his work. He had had a bad night; that is, he had woke with a feeling that this kind of penny-journal romance, wherein a man finds a starving girl in the streets and falls desperately39 in love with her, could go on no longer in London and in the nineteenth century. She was better now, probably strong enough to get about; he would learn her history, so much of it at least as she liked to tell; and putting her in some way of earning an honest livelihood40, take his leave of her, and dismiss her from his thoughts.
He arrived at this determination in his studio; he kept it as he walked through the streets; he wavered horribly when he came within sight of the door; and by the time he knocked he had resolved to let matters take their chance, and to act as occasion might suggest. It was not Mrs. Flexor who opened the door to him, but that worthy32 woman's youngest plague, Reg'las, who, with a brown eruption41 produced by liquorice round his lips, nodded his head, and calmly invited the visitor, as he would have done any one else, to "go up 'tairs." Geoffrey entered, patted the boy's head, and stopped at the parlour-door, at which he gave a low rap, and immediately turning the handle, walked in.
She was lying as usual on the sofa, immediately opposite the door; but, what he had never seen before, her hair was freed from the confining comb, and was hanging in full luxuriance over her shoulders. Great heavens, how beautiful she looked! There had been a certain piquancy42 and _chic_ in her appearance when her hair had been taken saucily43 off her face and behind her ears; but they were nothing as compared to the profound expression of calm holy resignation in that dead-white face set in that deep dead-gold frame of hair. Geoff started when he saw it; was it a Madonna of Raphael's, or a St. Teresa of Guido's, which flashed across his mind? And as he looked she raised her eyes, and a soft rosy44 flush spread over her face, and melted as quickly as it came. He seated himself on a chair by her side as usual, and took her hand as usual, the blood tingling45 in his fingers as he touched hers--as usual. She was the first to speak.
"You are very early this morning. I scarcely expected you so soon--as you may see;" and with a renewed flush she took up the ends of her hair, and was about to twist them up, when Geoffrey stopped her.
"Leave it as it is," said he in a low tone; "it could not be better; leave it as it is."
She looked at him as he spoke2; not a full straight glance, but through half-closed lids; a prolonged gaze,--half-dreamy, half-intense; then released her hair, and let it again fall over her shoulders in a rich red cloud.
"You are much better?"
"Thanks to you, very much; thanks to you!" and her little hand came out frankly46, and was speedily swallowed up in his big palm.
"No thanks at all; that is--well, you know. Let us change the subject. I came to say--that--that--"
"You hesitate because you are afraid of hurting my feelings. I think I can understand. I have learnt the world--God knows in no easy school; you came to say that I had been long enough a pensioner47 on your charity, and now must make my own way. Isn't that it?"
"Strange enough for London and this present day. You found me starving, dying, and you took care of me; and you knew nothing of me--not even my name--not even my appearance."
There was a something harsh and bitter in her tone which Geoffrey had never remarked before. It jarred on his ear; but he did not further notice it. His eyes dropped a little as he said, "No, I didn't; I do not know your name."
She looked up at him from under her eyelids49; and the harshness had all faded out of her voice as she said, "My name is Margaret Dacre." She stopped, and looked at him; but his face only wore its grave honest smile. Then she suddenly raised herself on the sofa, and looking straight into his face, said hurriedly, "You are a kind man, Mr. Ludlow; a kind, generous, honourable50 man; there are many men would have given me food and shelter--there are very few who would have done it unquestioning, as you have."
"You were my guest, Miss Dacre, and that was enough, though the temptation was strong. How one evidently born and bred a lady could have--"
"Ah, now," said she, smiling fainting, "you are throwing off your bonds, and all man's curiosity is at work."
"No, on my honour; but--I don't know whether you know, but any one acquainted with the world would see that--gad! I scarcely know how to put it--but--fact is, that--people would scarcely understand--you must excuse me, but--but the position, Miss Dacre!" and Geoff pushed his hands through his hair, and knew that his cheeks were flaming.
"I see what you mean," said she, "and you are only explaining what I have for the last day or two felt myself; that the--the position must be altered. But you have so far been my friend, Mr. Ludlow--for I suppose the preserver of one's life is to be looked upon as a friend, at all events as one actuated by friendly motives--that I must ask you to advise me how to support it."
"It would be impossible to advise unless--I mean, unless one knew, or had some idea--what, in fact, one had been accustomed to."
The girl sat up on the sofa, and this time looked him steadily51 in the face for a minute or so. Then she said, in a calm unbroken voice, "You are coming to what I knew must arise, to what is always asked, but what I hitherto have always refused to tell. You, however, have a claim to know--what I suppose people would call my history." Her thin lips were tightly pressed and her nostrils52 curved in scorn as she said these words. Geoffrey marked the change, and spoke out at once, all his usual hesitation54 succumbing55 before his earnestness of purpose.
"I have asked nothing," said he; "please to remember that; and further, I wish to hear nothing. You are my guest for so long as it pleases you to remain in that position. When you wish to go, you will do so, regretted but certainly unquestioned." If Geoffrey Ludlow ever looked handsome, it was at this moment. He was a little nettled56 at being suspected of patronage57, and the annoyance58 flushed his cheek and fired his eyes.
"Then I am to be a kind of heroine of a German fairytale; to appear, to sojourn59 for a while--then to fade away and never to be heard of ever after, save by the good fortune which I leave behind me to him who had entertained an angel unawares. Not the last part of the story, I fear, Mr. Ludlow; nor indeed any part of it. I have accepted your kindness; I am grateful--God knows how grateful for it--and now, being strong again--you need not raise your eyebrows60; I am strong, am I not, compared with the feeble creature you found in the streets?--I will fade away, leaving gratitude61 and blessings62 behind me."
"But what do you intend to do?"
"Ah! there you probe me beyond any possibility of reply. I shall--"
"I--I have a notion, Miss Dacre, just come upon me. It was seeing you with your hair down--at least, I think it was--suggested it; but I'm sure it's a good one. To sit, you know, as a model--of course I mean your face, you know, and hair, and all that sort of thing, so much in vogue63 just now; and so many fellows would be delighted to get studies of you--the pre-Raphaelite fellows, you know; and it isn't much--the pay, you know: but when one gets a connexion--and I'm sure that I could recommend--O, no end of fellows." It was not that this was rather a longer speech than usual that made Geoffrey terminate it abruptly64; it was the expression in Margaret Dacre's gray eyes.
"Do you think I could become a model, Mr. Ludlow--at the beck and call of every man who chose to offer me so much per hour? Would you wish to see me thus?" and as she said the last words she knit her brows, leaning forward and looking straight at him under her drooping65 lids.
Geoffrey's eyes fell before that peculiar66 glance, and he pushed his hands through his hair in sheer doubtful desperation.
"No!" he said, after a minute's pause "it wouldn't do. I hadn't thought of that. You see, I--O by Jove, another idea! You play? Yes, I knew you did by the look of your hands! and talk French and German, I daresay? Ah, I thought so! Well, you know, I give lessons in some capital families--drawing and water-colour sketching--and I'm constantly asked if I know of governesses. Now what's to prevent my recommending you?"
"What, indeed? You have known me so long! You are so thoroughly67 acquainted with my capabilities--so persuaded of my respectability!"
The curved lips, the petulant10 nostril53, the harsh bitter voice again! Geoff winced68 under them. "I think you are a little prejudiced," he began. "A little--"
"A little nothing! Listen, Mr. Ludlow! You have saved me from death, and you are kind enough to wish me, under your auspices69, to begin life again. Hear, first, what was my former life. Hear it, and then see the soundness of your well-intentioned plans. My father was an infantry70 captain, who was killed in the Crimea. After the news came of his death, my mother's friends, wealthy tradespeople, raised a subscription71 to pay her an annuity72 of 150_l_, on condition of her never troubling them again. She accepted this, and she and I went to live for cheapness at Tenby in Wales. There was no break in my life until two years since, when I was eighteen years old. Up to that time, school, constant practice at home (for I determined73 to be well educated), and attendance on my mother, an invalid74, formed my life. Then came the usual character--without which the drama of woman's life is incomplete--a man!"
She hesitated for a moment, and looked up as Geoffrey Ludlow leaned forward, breathing thickly through his nostrils; then she continued--
"This one was a soldier, and claimed acquaintance with a dead comrade's widow; had his claim allowed, and came to us morning, noon, and night. A man of the world, they called him; could sit and talk with my mother of her husband's virtues75 and still-remembered name, and press my hand, and gaze into my eyes, and whisper in my ear whenever her head was turned."
"And you?"
"And I! What would a girl do, brought up at a sleepy watering-place, and seeing nobody but the curate or the doctor? I listened to his every word, I believed his every look; and when he said to me, 'On such a night fly with me,' I fled with him without remorse76."
Geoffrey Ludlow must have anticipated something of this kind, and yet when he heard it, he dropped his head and shook it, as though under the effect of a staggering blow. The action was not unnoticed by Margaret.
"Ah," said she, in low tones and with a sad smile, "I saw how your schemes would melt away before my story."
This time it was his hand that came out and caught hers in its grip.
"Ah, wait until you have heard the end, now very close at hand. The old, old story: a coming marriage, which never came, protracted77 and deferred78 now for one excuse, now for another--the fear of friends, the waiting for promotion79, the--ah, every note in the whole gamut80 of lies! And then--"
"Spare yourself and me--I know enough!"
"No; hear it out! It is due to you, it is due to me. A sojourn in Italy, a sojourn in England--gradual coolness, final flight. But such flight! One line to say that he was ruined, and would not drag me down in his degradation--no hope of a future meeting--no provision for present want. I lived for a time by the sale of what he had given me,--first jewels, then luxuries, then--clothes. And then, just as I dropped into death's jaws81, you found me."
"Thank God!" said Geoffrey earnestly, still retaining the little hand within his own; "thank God! I can hear no more to-day--yes; one thing, his name?"
"His name," said she, with fixed82 eyes, "I have never mentioned to mortal; but to you I will tell it. His name was Leonard Brookfield."
"Leonard Brookfield," repeated Geoffrey. "I shall not forget it. Now adieu! We shall meet to-morrow."
He bowed over her hand and pressed it to his lips, then was gone; but as his figure passed the window, she raised herself upright, and ere he vanished from her sight, from between her compressed lips came the words, "At last! at last!"
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1
mendacious
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| adj.不真的，撒谎的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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celibate
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| adj.独身的，独身主义的；n.独身者 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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disparagingly
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| adv.以贬抑的口吻，以轻视的态度 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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potent
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| adj.强有力的，有权势的；有效力的 | |
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lithe
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| adj.(指人、身体)柔软的，易弯的 | |
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petulant
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| adj.性急的，暴躁的 | |
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petulantly
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prying
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| adj.爱打听的v.打听，刺探（他人的私事）( pry的现在分词 )；撬开 | |
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pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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superintendents
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| 警长( superintendent的名词复数 )； （大楼的）管理人； 监管人； （美国）警察局长 | |
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avow
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| v.承认，公开宣称 | |
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prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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dire
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| adj.可怕的，悲惨的，阴惨的，极端的 | |
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malady
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| n.病，疾病(通常做比喻) | |
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perilous
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| adj.危险的，冒险的 | |
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inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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betokens
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| v.预示，表示( betoken的第三人称单数 ) | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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attachments
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| n.（用电子邮件发送的）附件( attachment的名词复数 )；附着；连接；附属物 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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backbone
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| n.脊骨，脊柱，骨干；刚毅，骨气 | |
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depicting
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| 描绘，描画( depict的现在分词 )； 描述 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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notably
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| adv.值得注意地，显著地，尤其地，特别地 | |
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dabs
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| 少许( dab的名词复数 )； 是…能手； 做某事很在行； 在某方面技术熟练 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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livelihood
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| n.生计，谋生之道 | |
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eruption
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| n.火山爆发；（战争等）爆发；（疾病等）发作 | |
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piquancy
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| n.辛辣，辣味，痛快 | |
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saucily
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| adv.傲慢地，莽撞地 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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tingling
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| v.有刺痛感( tingle的现在分词 ) | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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pensioner
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| n.领养老金的人 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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49
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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nostril
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| n.鼻孔 | |
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54
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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succumbing
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| 不再抵抗（诱惑、疾病、攻击等）( succumb的现在分词 )； 屈从； 被压垮； 死 | |
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nettled
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| v.拿荨麻打，拿荨麻刺（nettle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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patronage
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| n.赞助，支援，援助；光顾，捧场 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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sojourn
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| v./n.旅居，寄居；逗留 | |
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60
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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Vogue
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| n.时髦，时尚；adj.流行的 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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drooping
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| adj. 下垂的，无力的 动词droop的现在分词 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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auspices
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| n.资助，赞助 | |
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infantry
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| n.[总称]步兵(部队) | |
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subscription
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| n.预订，预订费，亲笔签名，调配法，下标（处方） | |
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annuity
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| n.年金；养老金 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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protracted
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| adj.拖延的；延长的v.拖延“protract”的过去式和过去分词 | |
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deferred
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| adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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promotion
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| n.提升，晋级；促销，宣传 | |
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gamut
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| n.全音阶，(一领域的)全部知识 | |
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jaws
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| n.口部；嘴 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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