As in the presence of the God of heaven;
‘Whence have I come, and whither will I go?’
Whence have I come? what wandering steps have led
To this the painful desert that I tread?
From what neglected duties have I fled
Am I the sufferer from others’ sin,
And whither would I go? where have I sought
Refuge from secret gloom and bitter thought?
Deep in the barren wilderness4 of pride?
Some crosses are from heaven sent,
And some we fashion of our own;
By envy, pride, and discontent
What thorns across our path are strown!
Not these the thorns that form the crown,
Not this the cross that lifts on high,—
Our sharpest trials we lay down
When sin and self we crucify!”
“I own it, dear Ida, I own it! I did wrong, very wrong. I felt that as soon as the letter had passed from my hand; I must have been mad when I sent it. I wrote to the London editor the next day to endeavour to stop the publication, but the piece was already in type.”
Such, after a painful conference, was the confession5 which conscience wrung6 from the Countess of Dashleigh.
[148]
Annabella was reclining on the sofa, her hair disordered, her eyes red with weeping. Ida was kneeling beside her, and the magazine lay on the floor.
“O Anna, Anna! why not own all this to your husband; throw yourself on his mercy, entreat7 his forgiveness—”
“It would be of no use!” exclaimed Annabella; “that paper he never will forgive. I have already merited his anger; I will not expose myself to his contempt.”
“We may be objects of contempt when we wander from the line of duty, but never when we are struggling back to it again. When we are lost in a thorny8 labyrinth9, what wiser, what nobler course can we pursue, than to retrace10 every step of the way?”
“Which is widening every moment; which delay may render impassable! It is yet spanned by a slender bridge of hope; but that bridge is trembling,—shaking,—Annabella, if you hold back now, it may sink before your eyes, and for ever!”
“What would you have me to do?” said the countess.
“Write a letter to the earl full of the humblest submission14; tell him with what real grief and contrition—”
[149]
“Ida, you do not know me!” cried Annabella, pushing the loose hair impatiently back from her temples; “I cannot play the part of a penitent15 child, begging pardon for having been naughty; I cannot cringe beneath the rod, like a slave trembling before his master!”
“Anna!” exclaimed Ida, fixing on her cousin the earnest gaze of her expressive16 eyes, “must the slender bridge—your last hope—be broken down beneath the weight of your pride?”
“Pride,” observed the Countess, “has been termed the weakness of noble natures.”
“Pride,—what is it,” exclaimed Ida, “as mirrored in the word of God? Is it not of the world,—that world that passeth away; doth not the Lord resist the proud, while giving grace unto the humble13? Doth not inspired truth declare that before destruction the heart of man is haughty17, and before honour is humility18? Is not the Saviour’s blessing19 on the meek20, and on such as are poor in spirit? Why should I multiply quotations21? Your own heart must tell you, dear Anna, that if one thing more than another stands between man and his Maker22, and darkens the light of Heaven, it is the baneful23 spirit of pride!”
“It is interwoven with my nature,” said the countess.
“The life-long battle of the Christian24 is with his fallen nature, but it is a struggle in which he is not[150] left alone. Nay25, a new heart, a new nature is given to those who seek it in earnest prayer; a new heart filled with the Spirit of God, a new nature conformed to the likeness26 of Him who was meek and lowly in spirit. What are the Bible emblems27 of those who are the soldiers and saints of the Lord? The lamb, the dove, the little child! Can such be fit types of one who struggles against lawful28 authority, and recoils29 from the duty of submission?”
Annabella was a little nettled30. “I think,” she observed, with some sarcasm31 in her tone, “that my saintly cousin is not yet herself so perfect in this virtue32 of submission, as to entitle her so eloquently33 to enforce it on another.”
Ida glanced up in surprise. She had not been aware that the quick observation of her cousin had detected in her the lurking34 enemy of whose presence she herself was scarcely aware, and against whom she was hardly on her guard. But she could not deny the truth of the accusation35 so suddenly brought against her, and was too earnest in the cause which she was advocating to be silenced by a personal remark.
“Oh! my dear cousin!” she replied, her soft, dark eyes filling with tears, “let not my errors be a stumbling-block in the way of those whom I love. Look not at the miserable36 transcript37, all stained and blotted38 with human infirmity, but turn your eyes to[151] the blessed Original which is set before us, that we may copy its sacred features into our hearts and our lives! What was the spirit of Christ? and hath not Truth declared that if any man hath not the Spirit of Christ he is none of His? Was it not a spirit patient under suffering, meek under insult, a spirit ever ready to forgive? Did He not love his enemies, bless them that cursed Him, and do good to them that persecuted39 Him? Look on Him, dearest, look on Him, till in the brightness of His glory sin appear all the darker and more hateful! There is no pride in heaven, Annabella; we must throw away the chain ere we reach that bright place, or we never can enter therein! It is pride that is now shutting you out of your earthly home, barring against you a husband’s heart, changing domestic peace to misery40. Oh, how terrible the thought that pride has shut out multitudes from an eternal home, made them aliens from a heavenly Father, rendered them sharers in the fate of that terrible being, who lost a seraph’s crown through his pride! God grant,—God grant that neither you nor I may ever be reckoned amongst them!”
The voice of Ida trembled with emotion, the large tears coursed down her cheeks, and her hands were tight-clasped as if in earnest supplication41. It was a sister imploring42 a sister in danger to seek safety while safety might be found, to tear from her heart the coiling serpent that was lurking there only to[152] destroy! Annabella could not be angry; she was touched by that pleading look; the ice was beginning to thaw43, and yet was too strong readily to give way. What was she called upon to do? Not only to forgive, but to entreat for forgiveness, to humble herself in the dust before him to whom her proud spirit had never yet learned to bow! The countess felt that it would be hardly possible so to stoop,—that even for heaven itself she could scarcely sacrifice that which it would be hard to part with, even as a right hand or a right eye! The momentary44 struggle was fearful! Wringing45 her hands, Annabella exclaimed, “O Ida, you know not how wretched you make me!”
“And who deserves to be wretched,” said Mrs. Aumerle, who happened at this time to enter the room, “if not she who chooses no guide but her own temper and caprice, who will listen to no advice—not even that of her uncle and her pastor46, and who publicly insults the husband whom she is bound in duty to honour? Rise, Ida, rise,” continued the lady, to whose plain sense of right and wrong Annabella’s conduct appeared unpardonable; “I am ashamed to see you on your knees beside a girl who, if she were fifty times a countess, has forfeited47 claim to our respect.”
Annabella sprang from her sofa, and with eyes wide open and lips apart, stood listening, as her hostess, to Ida’s distress48 and dismay, finished her[153] rebuke49 to one whom she regarded as a spoiled, self-willed, obstinate50 child.
“There is only one excuse for you, Anna, and that is to be found in the indulgence and flattery to which you have been accustomed from the cradle. You have been unfitted to take your proper place either as a wife or the mistress of a household. You have made everything subservient51 to your humour. But it is time to have done with such childish follies52; it is time to renounce53 the petulant54 pride which makes your family blush for you! Mr. Aumerle is so indulgent, so unwilling55 to treat any one harshly, that you are hardly aware, I suspect, how strongly he feels on the subject; but I can assure you that he views your late step in the same light as I do, and he has written to the earl to express to him his strong disapprobation of your conduct.”
“Has he!” exclaimed the countess almost fiercely, “then this house is no longer a place for me! I have stayed here too long already!” and stretching out her hand to the bell-rope, she pulled it violently to summon her maid. “I have been driven out of one home by unkindness, I will not remain in another to be insulted by such language as you have dared to address to me!” Again, with the force of passion, Annabella rang the bell, and it was answered, not only by Bates but by Mabel, who ran in alarmed by the second loud ring, and the sound of a voice raised in anger.
[154]
“Bates,” cried the countess, “bring me what I may require for walking, and then pack up my boxes, and follow me as soon as possible to the cottage in which Dr. Bardon resides.”
“But—my lady—”
“At once!” cried the impatient countess.
“O Annabella, dearest Annabella, do not leave us!” exclaimed Mabel, clinging to her cousin, while Ida, almost too much agitated56 to be intelligible57, joined her entreaties58 to those of her sister.
“Wait—if it were only one day—one hour—only till papa should return!”
But Annabella was inexorable. She had worked herself into that state of passion in which remonstrance59 seems to have no effect but that of adding fuel to the flame. The storm of anger was less intolerable to her spirit than the state of doubt and self-reproach, which, like a chill, dark mist was falling on her soul, when the words of Mrs. Aumerle roused her from remorse60 to sudden resentment61. The countess determined62 to seek the dwelling63 of Bardon, where she felt assured of a welcome, and where she would remain, as she declared, till she had formed arrangements with friends in London. It was, perhaps, unfortunate that Annabella had sufficient resources of her own to render her in pecuniary64 concerns quite independent of others. She had just arrived at the age which gave her free disposal of these resources, though it had certainly not proved,[155] in her case, to be an age of discretion65. It was foreseeing the difficulties and dangers that must beset66 the wealthy and wilful67 girl, whose vanity would render her the ready dupe of interested flatterers, that had made the vicar anxious to keep her beside him, until the kindly68 offices of mutual69 friends should re-unite her to her husband. This was now impossible. Annabella, closing her ears to remonstrance, and her heart to tenderness, quitted the home of her uncle with an expressed determination never to revisit it again. She would not even suffer her cousins to accompany her, but with sullen70 resolution set out on her lonely walk.
Ida watched her receding71 figure with a very heavy heart. “It might have been so different,” she murmured to herself; “her heart was touched, her pride was giving way, when—” and turning towards the spot where her step-mother stood, Ida could not refrain from the exclamation72, “it was your coming that changed all!” Without lingering for a reply to the hastily spoken word, Ida sought solitude73 in the quiet arbour where she had, as we have seen, held converse74 with her sister upon subjects high and holy. Ida’s only companions now were bitter meditations75. She had reproached her father’s wife, but was her own conscience clear even as regarded Annabella? Ida recalled with deep distress her own misgivings76 on the day on which the countess must have written her fatal paper.
[156]
“If I had only spoken to her then,—if I had only pleaded with her then, before the irrevocable step had been taken, oh! it would never have come to this!” and with the anguish77 of unavailing regret, Ida Aumerle mourned over her sin of omission78.
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1
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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2
insidious
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| adj.阴险的，隐匿的，暗中为害的，（疾病）不知不觉之间加剧 | |
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3
foe
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| n.敌人，仇敌 | |
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4
wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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6
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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7
entreat
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| v.恳求，恳请 | |
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thorny
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| adj.多刺的，棘手的 | |
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9
labyrinth
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| n.迷宫；难解的事物；迷路 | |
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10
retrace
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| v.折回；追溯，探源 | |
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11
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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12
gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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13
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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14
submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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15
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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16
expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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17
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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18
humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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19
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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20
meek
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| adj.温顺的，逆来顺受的 | |
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21
quotations
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| n.引用( quotation的名词复数 )；[商业]行情（报告）；（货物或股票的）市价；时价 | |
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22
maker
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| n.制造者，制造商 | |
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23
baneful
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| adj.有害的 | |
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24
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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25
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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26
likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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27
emblems
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| n.象征，标记( emblem的名词复数 ) | |
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28
lawful
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| adj.法律许可的，守法的，合法的 | |
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29
recoils
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| n.（尤指枪炮的）反冲，后坐力( recoil的名词复数 )v.畏缩( recoil的第三人称单数 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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30
nettled
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| v.拿荨麻打，拿荨麻刺（nettle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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31
sarcasm
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| n.讥讽，讽刺，嘲弄，反话 （adj.sarcastic） | |
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32
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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33
eloquently
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| adv. 雄辩地(有口才地, 富于表情地) | |
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34
lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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35
accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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36
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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transcript
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| n.抄本，誊本，副本，肄业证书 | |
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38
blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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39
persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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40
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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41
supplication
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| n.恳求，祈愿，哀求 | |
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42
imploring
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| 恳求的，哀求的 | |
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43
thaw
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| v.（使）融化，（使）变得友善；n.融化，缓和 | |
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44
momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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45
wringing
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| 淋湿的，湿透的 | |
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46
pastor
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| n.牧师，牧人 | |
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47
forfeited
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| （因违反协议、犯规、受罚等）丧失，失去( forfeit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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48
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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49
rebuke
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| v.指责，非难，斥责 [反]praise | |
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50
obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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51
subservient
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| adj.卑屈的，阿谀的 | |
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52
follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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53
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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54
petulant
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| adj.性急的，暴躁的 | |
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55
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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56
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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57
intelligible
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| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
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58
entreaties
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| n.恳求，乞求( entreaty的名词复数 ) | |
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59
remonstrance
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| n抗议，抱怨 | |
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60
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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61
resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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62
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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64
pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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65
discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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66
beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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67
wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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68
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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70
sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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71
receding
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| v.逐渐远离( recede的现在分词 )；向后倾斜；自原处后退或避开别人的注视；尤指问题 | |
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72
exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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73
solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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74
converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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75
meditations
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| 默想( meditation的名词复数 )； 默念； 沉思； 冥想 | |
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76
misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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77
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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78
omission
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| n.省略，删节；遗漏或省略的事物，冗长 | |
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