It was partly at such junctures14 as these and partly at quite different ones that, with the turn my matters had now taken, my predicament, as I have called it, grew most sensible. The fact that the days passed for me without another encounter ought, it would have appeared, to have done something toward soothing15 my nerves. Since the light brush, that second night on the upper landing, of the presence of a woman at the foot of the stair, I had seen nothing, whether in or out of the house, that one had better not have seen. There was many a corner round which I expected to come upon Quint, and many a situation that, in a merely sinister16 way, would have favored the appearance of Miss Jessel. The summer had turned, the summer had gone; the autumn had dropped upon Bly and had blown out half our lights. The place, with its gray sky and withered17 garlands, its bared spaces and scattered18 dead leaves, was like a theater after the performance—all strewn with crumpled19 playbills. There were exactly states of the air, conditions of sound and of stillness, unspeakable impressions of the kind of ministering moment, that brought back to me, long enough to catch it, the feeling of the medium in which, that June evening out of doors, I had had my first sight of Quint, and in which, too, at those other instants, I had, after seeing him through the window, looked for him in vain in the circle of shrubbery. I recognized the signs, the portents—I recognized the moment, the spot. But they remained unaccompanied and empty, and I continued unmolested; if unmolested one could call a young woman whose sensibility had, in the most extraordinary fashion, not declined but deepened. I had said in my talk with Mrs. Grose on that horrid20 scene of Flora21’s by the lake—and had perplexed22 her by so saying—that it would from that moment distress23 me much more to lose my power than to keep it. I had then expressed what was vividly24 in my mind: the truth that, whether the children really saw or not—since, that is, it was not yet definitely proved—I greatly preferred, as a safeguard, the fullness of my own exposure. I was ready to know the very worst that was to be known. What I had then had an ugly glimpse of was that my eyes might be sealed just while theirs were most opened. Well, my eyes were sealed, it appeared, at present—a consummation for which it seemed blasphemous25 not to thank God. There was, alas26, a difficulty about that: I would have thanked him with all my soul had I not had in a proportionate measure this conviction of the secret of my pupils.
How can I retrace27 today the strange steps of my obsession28? There were times of our being together when I would have been ready to swear that, literally29, in my presence, but with my direct sense of it closed, they had visitors who were known and were welcome. Then it was that, had I not been deterred30 by the very chance that such an injury might prove greater than the injury to be averted31, my exultation32 would have broken out. “They’re here, they’re here, you little wretches33,” I would have cried, “and you can’t deny it now!” The little wretches denied it with all the added volume of their sociability34 and their tenderness, in just the crystal depths of which—like the flash of a fish in a stream—the mockery of their advantage peeped up. The shock, in truth, had sunk into me still deeper than I knew on the night when, looking out to see either Quint or Miss Jessel under the stars, I had beheld35 the boy over whose rest I watched and who had immediately brought in with him—had straightway, there, turned it on me—the lovely upward look with which, from the battlements above me, the hideous36 apparition37 of Quint had played. If it was a question of a scare, my discovery on this occasion had scared me more than any other, and it was in the condition of nerves produced by it that I made my actual inductions38. They harassed39 me so that sometimes, at odd moments, I shut myself up audibly to rehearse—it was at once a fantastic relief and a renewed despair—the manner in which I might come to the point. I approached it from one side and the other while, in my room, I flung myself about, but I always broke down in the monstrous40 utterance41 of names. As they died away on my lips, I said to myself that I should indeed help them to represent something infamous42, if, by pronouncing them, I should violate as rare a little case of instinctive43 delicacy44 as any schoolroom, probably, had ever known. When I said to myself: “They have the manners to be silent, and you, trusted as you are, the baseness to speak!” I felt myself crimson45 and I covered my face with my hands. After these secret scenes I chattered46 more than ever, going on volubly enough till one of our prodigious47, palpable hushes48 occurred—I can call them nothing else—the strange, dizzy lift or swim (I try for terms!) into a stillness, a pause of all life, that had nothing to do with the more or less noise that at the moment we might be engaged in making and that I could hear through any deepened exhilaration or quickened recitation or louder strum of the piano. Then it was that the others, the outsiders, were there. Though they were not angels, they “passed,” as the French say, causing me, while they stayed, to tremble with the fear of their addressing to their younger victims some yet more infernal message or more vivid image than they had thought good enough for myself.
What it was most impossible to get rid of was the cruel idea that, whatever I had seen, Miles and Flora saw more—things terrible and unguessable and that sprang from dreadful passages of intercourse49 in the past. Such things naturally left on the surface, for the time, a chill which we vociferously50 denied that we felt; and we had, all three, with repetition, got into such splendid training that we went, each time, almost automatically, to mark the close of the incident, through the very same movements. It was striking of the children, at all events, to kiss me inveterately51 with a kind of wild irrelevance52 and never to fail—one or the other—of the precious question that had helped us through many a peril53. “When do you think he will come? Don’t you think we ought to write?”—there was nothing like that inquiry54, we found by experience, for carrying off an awkwardness. “He” of course was their uncle in Harley Street; and we lived in much profusion55 of theory that he might at any moment arrive to mingle56 in our circle. It was impossible to have given less encouragement than he had done to such a doctrine57, but if we had not had the doctrine to fall back upon we should have deprived each other of some of our finest exhibitions. He never wrote to them—that may have been selfish, but it was a part of the flattery of his trust of me; for the way in which a man pays his highest tribute to a woman is apt to be but by the more festal celebration of one of the sacred laws of his comfort; and I held that I carried out the spirit of the pledge given not to appeal to him when I let my charges understand that their own letters were but charming literary exercises. They were too beautiful to be posted; I kept them myself; I have them all to this hour. This was a rule indeed which only added to the satiric58 effect of my being plied12 with the supposition that he might at any moment be among us. It was exactly as if my charges knew how almost more awkward than anything else that might be for me. There appears to me, moreover, as I look back, no note in all this more extraordinary than the mere fact that, in spite of my tension and of their triumph, I never lost patience with them. Adorable they must in truth have been, I now reflect, that I didn’t in these days hate them! Would exasperation59, however, if relief had longer been postponed60, finally have betrayed me? It little matters, for relief arrived. I call it relief, though it was only the relief that a snap brings to a strain or the burst of a thunderstorm to a day of suffocation61. It was at least change, and it came with a rush.
点击收听单词发音
1 ironic | |
adj.讽刺的,有讽刺意味的,出乎意料的 | |
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2 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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3 alleys | |
胡同,小巷( alley的名词复数 ); 小径 | |
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4 delightful | |
adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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5 chatter | |
vi./n.喋喋不休;短促尖叫;(牙齿)打战 | |
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6 strings | |
n.弦 | |
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7 afterward | |
adv.后来;以后 | |
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8 pertinence | |
n.中肯 | |
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9 sociable | |
adj.好交际的,友好的,合群的 | |
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10 reminders | |
n.令人回忆起…的东西( reminder的名词复数 );提醒…的东西;(告知该做某事的)通知单;提示信 | |
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11 celebrated | |
adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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12 plied | |
v.使用(工具)( ply的过去式和过去分词 );经常供应(食物、饮料);固定往来;经营生意 | |
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13 pony | |
adj.小型的;n.小马 | |
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14 junctures | |
n.时刻,关键时刻( juncture的名词复数 );接合点 | |
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15 soothing | |
adj.慰藉的;使人宽心的;镇静的 | |
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16 sinister | |
adj.不吉利的,凶恶的,左边的 | |
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17 withered | |
adj. 枯萎的,干瘪的,(人身体的部分器官)因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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18 scattered | |
adj.分散的,稀疏的;散步的;疏疏落落的 | |
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19 crumpled | |
adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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20 horrid | |
adj.可怕的;令人惊恐的;恐怖的;极讨厌的 | |
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21 flora | |
n.(某一地区的)植物群 | |
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22 perplexed | |
adj.不知所措的 | |
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23 distress | |
n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
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24 vividly | |
adv.清楚地,鲜明地,生动地 | |
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25 blasphemous | |
adj.亵渎神明的,不敬神的 | |
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26 alas | |
int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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27 retrace | |
v.折回;追溯,探源 | |
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28 obsession | |
n.困扰,无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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29 literally | |
adv.照字面意义,逐字地;确实 | |
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30 deterred | |
v.阻止,制止( deter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31 averted | |
防止,避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 ); 转移 | |
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32 exultation | |
n.狂喜,得意 | |
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33 wretches | |
n.不幸的人( wretch的名词复数 );可怜的人;恶棍;坏蛋 | |
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34 sociability | |
n.好交际,社交性,善于交际 | |
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35 beheld | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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36 hideous | |
adj.丑陋的,可憎的,可怕的,恐怖的 | |
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37 apparition | |
n.幽灵,神奇的现象 | |
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38 inductions | |
归纳(法)( induction的名词复数 ); (电或磁的)感应; 就职; 吸入 | |
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39 harassed | |
adj. 疲倦的,厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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40 monstrous | |
adj.巨大的;恐怖的;可耻的,丢脸的 | |
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41 utterance | |
n.用言语表达,话语,言语 | |
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42 infamous | |
adj.声名狼藉的,臭名昭著的,邪恶的 | |
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43 instinctive | |
adj.(出于)本能的;直觉的;(出于)天性的 | |
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44 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
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45 crimson | |
n./adj.深(绯)红色(的);vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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46 chattered | |
(人)喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 ); 唠叨; (牙齿)打战; (机器)震颤 | |
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47 prodigious | |
adj.惊人的,奇妙的;异常的;巨大的;庞大的 | |
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48 hushes | |
n.安静,寂静( hush的名词复数 ) | |
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49 intercourse | |
n.性交;交流,交往,交际 | |
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50 vociferously | |
adv.喊叫地,吵闹地 | |
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51 inveterately | |
adv.根深蒂固地,积习地 | |
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52 irrelevance | |
n.无关紧要;不相关;不相关的事物 | |
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53 peril | |
n.(严重的)危险;危险的事物 | |
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54 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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55 profusion | |
n.挥霍;丰富 | |
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56 mingle | |
vt.使混合,使相混;vi.混合起来;相交往 | |
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57 doctrine | |
n.教义;主义;学说 | |
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58 satiric | |
adj.讽刺的,挖苦的 | |
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59 exasperation | |
n.愤慨 | |
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60 postponed | |
vt.& vi.延期,缓办,(使)延迟vt.把…放在次要地位;[语]把…放在后面(或句尾)vi.(疟疾等)延缓发作(或复发) | |
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61 suffocation | |
n.窒息 | |
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