‘Dull’s no name for it,’ said the Clerk of Petty Sessions; ‘this is the awfullest hole I ever was in.’
‘Never knew it so bad,’ chimed in the Chemist and the Saddler, who were on this frosty night drinking whisky hot in the snug2 parlour of the Shamrock Inn in the little township of Crupperton.
‘I tell you what,’ said the C.P.S. presently; ‘I see by the paper they’ve started a football club at Cantleville. Why shouldn’t we do the same? It’ll help to pass away the time, anyhow.’
‘A capital idea,’ said he, ‘and, although I never have played, I’ll go in for it. It’s simple enough, I should imagine.’
‘Simple!’ said the C.P.S., who had once seen a match in Sydney. ‘It’s as easy as tea-drinking. There’s no expense, except the first one of the ball. It’s not like cricket, you know, where you’re always putting your hands in your pockets for something or other.’
137‘I’ll give ten shillings, Mr Brown,’ said the Doctor softly.
‘Same here,’ said the Chemist.
‘How do you play it?’ asked the Saddler, and the Blacksmith, and the Constable4, who had just dropped in for a warm and a yarn5 that chilly6 evening.
‘Well,’ explained the C.P.S., who had ideas, ‘first you get your ball. Then you put up a couple of sticks with a cross one on the top of ’em. Then you measure a distance, say one hundred yards by, say, fifty, on a level bit of ground, and put up another set of sticks. Then you get your men, and pick sides, and pop the ball down in the middle, and wade7 in. For instance,’ he continued, ‘s’pose we’re playing Saddlestrap. Well, then, d’ye see, we’ve got one goal—that’s what they call the sticks—and they’ve got the other. We’ve to try and block ’em from kicking the ball over our cross-bar, and do our best, meantime, to send it over theirs. It’s just a splendid game for this weather, and nothing could well be simpler.’
More men came in, the idea caught; a club was formed, and that very night the C.P.S. wrote to the capital for a ball ‘of the best make and the latest fashion.’
But it was a very long way to the capital. So, in the interval8, the C.P.S., who was an enterprising young Native, procured9 and erected10 goal-posts and cross-bars of barked pine; and very business-like they looked with a little pink flag fluttering from the summit of each.
138At last the new ball arrived. But, to the secret astonishment11 of the C.P.S., in place of being round it was oval. However, he was not going to expose his ignorance and imperil the reputation already earned as an exponent12 of the game, so he only said,—
‘I sent for the very best they had, and I can see we’ve got our money’s worth. I’ll take her home and blow her up ready for to-morrow.’
For a long time the ball seemed to go in any direction but the right one, kick they never so hardly; whilst, as a rule, the strongest and most terrific kickers produced the least effect.
They tried the aggravating13 thing in every position they could think of, and, for a considerable period, without much success.
It was a sight worth seeing to watch the Blacksmith, after scooping14 a little hollow in the ground and placing the ball perpendicularly15 therein, retire and prepare for action. Opening his shoulders and spitting on his hands, he would come heavily charging down, and putting the whole force of fifteen stone into his right foot, deliver a tremendous kick; then stand amazed to see the ball, after twirling meekly16 up for a few yards, drop on his head instead of soaring between the posts as it should have done.
‘I’m out of practice myself—haven’t played for years, in fact,’ said the C.P.S. when explanation as to this erratic17 behaviour was demanded. ‘It’s simply a matter of practice, you know, like everything else.’
But all the same for a long time, deep down in 139his heart, there was a horrible misgiving18 that the thing was not a football at all—that it should have been round. At last, by dint19 of constant perseverance20, some of the men began to kick fairly well—kick goals even from a good distance.
The first difficulty arose from a lack of side-boundaries. Hence, at times, a kicking, struggling, shouting mob might be seen half-a-mile away, at the far end of the main street, whereas it should have been in front of the post-office.
To remedy this state of affairs, the C.P.S. drove in pegs21 at what was voted ‘a fair thing’ to serve as guides. When the ball was sent beyond the pegs no one pursued, and little boys stationed there kicked it back again. Also, the cows, pigs and goats of Crupperton, who must have imagined that a lunatic asylum22 had taken possession of their feeding grounds, returned, and henceforth fed peacefully about the grass-grown streets and allotments at the lower end of the township. Presently, to vary the monotony, the Cruppertonians got up a match amongst themselves for drinks—East versus24 West was the title of it. But it never went beyond the first scrimmage, if that can be called a first where all was one big scrimmage, caused by two compact bodies of men fighting for the possession of a ball. Out of this quickly emerged the Chemist with, as he averred25, a fractured wrist. Anyhow, he wore a bandage, and played no more.
Then the Blacksmith accused the Saddler of kicking him on the shins, wilfully26 and of malice27 prepense. For 140some time past there had been bad blood between these two, and the fight that ensued was so gorgeous that the game was quite forgotten in the excitement of it.
Presently, the village of Saddlestrap, a little lower down the river, in emulation28 of its larger neighbour, started football also.
The Saddlestraps mostly got their living by tankmaking, were locally known as ‘Thicklegs,’ and were a pretty rough lot. So that, when a match was arranged between the two places, fun was foretold29.
The rules of the Saddlestrap club were, like those of the Crupperton one, simplicity30 itself, consisting, as they did, of the solitary31 axiom—‘Kick whatever or wherever you can, only kick.’
Therefore, as remarked, fun was expected. The C.P.S. chose his team carefully, and with an eye to weight and size. Superior fleetness, he rightly imagined, would have but little to do with the result of the day’s sport.
With the exception of half-a-dozen of the townspeople, the Crupperton players consisted of young fellows from a couple of stations adjoining. Therefore, the Saddlestraps somewhat contemptuously dubbed32 their opponents ‘Pastorialites.’
For a while the play was somewhat weak and desultory35, and lacking in effect. The ball was continually being sent outside the pegs, and the urchins36 stationed 141there were kept busy. But, at length, to the delight of the spectators, consisting of the entire population of the two townships, there was a hot scrimmage. ‘For all the world like a lot o’ dorgs a-worryin’ a ’possum!’ as one excited bystander yelled, whilst the crowd surged around the mixed-up heap of humanity, the outside ring of which was frantically37 kicking and shoving at the prostrate38 inner one, serving friend and foe39 alike.
‘A very manly40 and interesting game,’ remarked the Doctor, placidly41 ringing his bell for ‘Spell, oh!’ whilst the Chemist ran to his shop for plaster and bandage.
Presently, the undermost man of all was dragged out, torn and gory42, and spitting teeth from a broken jaw43.
Him the Doctor caused to be carried to the nearest house, and, after attending to his wounds, returned hurriedly to the field, where his coadjutor was looking to the minor44 casualties, and both teams were refreshing45 themselves with rum, and boasting of their prowess.
The Doctor rang his bell, and play was resumed. It was, he explained, unhealthy to dawdle46 about in such weather and after severe exertion47.
As the C.P.S. pointed34 out very eloquently48 that night at the banquet, football was a game in which people must learn to give and take, and that, until this had been fully1 understood and practised, the game would never get beyond an initial stage.
This was probably the reason that on a Saddlestrap in full pursuit of the ball being deliberately49 tripped up by a ‘Pastorialite,’ and sent headlong to mother earth, which 142was hard and knobby, in place of rising and going on with the game, he began to punch the tripper.
Five minutes afterwards might be seen the curious spectacle of a ball lying neglected in the centre of the ground, whilst outside raged a big fight of thirty.
For a time the trouble was strictly50 confined to the two teams. But when it was observed that Crupperton was getting the worst of it, partisans51 quickly peeled off and took sides; so that, directly, both townships were up to their eyes in fight, and the Doctor seriously contemplated52 sending for professional assistance to Cantleville.
For some time victory hovered53 in the balance. But men fight well on their own ground, and at last the Saddlestraps broke and fled for their horses and buggies. Those who stayed behind did so simply because there was no doctor in their native village.
A banquet for both teams had been prepared at the leading (and only) hotel. But there was only a remnant of one side that felt like banqueting, so the gaps were filled by residents who had been prominent in the fray54.
The C.P.S., with a couple of beautifully blackened eyes, took the chair. At the other end of the table presided the Constable, whose features presented a curiously55 intricate study in diachylon, many of the Saddlestraps having seized a mean opportunity of wiping off old scores.
Speeches and toasts were made and drunk, and football enthusiastically voted the king of all games. 143As the Blacksmith—whose arm was in a sling—observed, ‘It was a fair an’ square game. A man know’d what he’d got to do at it. There wasn’t no tiddleywinkin’ in the thing.’
The Doctor had been too busy to come early; but he dropped in for a minute or so during the evening, and with great fire, and amidst much applause, made a splendid speech. In its course he quoted Gordon’s well-known lines—‘A game’s not worth a rap for a rational man to play,’ etc.; and also adapted that saying of the ‘Iron Duke’s’ about the battle of Waterloo being won upon the British football grounds.
It was decidedly the ‘speech of the evening,’ and was greeted with hearty56 cheers as, concluding, he retired57 to look after his patients.
But Crupperton was very sore next morning; and for a whole week there was no more football. Then they looked about them for more victims to their prowess. But they found none at all near home.
At last, in despair, and in defiance58 of the advice of the C.P.S., the executive challenged Cantleville itself—agreeing to journey thither59. In due course, and after the C.F.C. had recovered from its surprise, and consulted a ‘Gazetteer,’ it accepted.
Cantleville was a very long distance away. Moreover, it was the ‘City’ of those inland parts, and the headquarters of the Civil Service therein. Therefore the C.P.S. and the Constable discreetly60 refused to accompany their fellows. One of the pair, at least, had 144doubts as to whether Cantleville played the Crupperton game.
So the Blacksmith was elected Captain. ‘You’d better stay at home,’ said the C.P.S., ‘the chaps over there are regular swells61, up to all the latest dodges62, and they wear uniforms. Besides they may not quite understand our rules.’
‘Then we’ll teach ’em,’ said the Blacksmith. But the question of a uniform troubled him. So he took counsel with his now fast friend the Saddler, and the result was that everyone packed a stiffly-starched white shirt and a pair of black trousers into his valise.
‘How about your uniforms now?’ said the Blacksmith, ‘nothin’ can’t be neater’n that.’
So they went forth23 to battle, accompanied by the good wishes of the populace; but neither by Doctor nor Chemist. There were plenty of both at Cantleville. Also they were wise in their generation, and had doubts.
Communication in these days was limited. Cantleville news arrived via Sydney, and the newspapers were a week old when delivered. So that the team brought its own tidings home. They had not had a good time. They had also been heavily fined, and they proposed to go afield no more. The Blacksmith and the Saddler, who had ‘taken it out,’ were the last to appear.
‘I suppose you play Rugby rules?’ had asked blandly63 the Secretary of the C.F.C., as he curiously surveyed the ‘Bushies’ on their arrival.
‘No, we don’t,’ said the Blacksmith. ‘We plays 145Crupperton,’ and no more questions were asked. But when it was seen what Crupperton rules meant, backs, half-backs, forwards, and all the rest of it, struck and refused to continue. Instead, they took to chaffing the ‘black and white magpies64.’
Whereupon, Crupperton, putting the question of football on one side, went at its opponents à la Saddlestrap. Their places, however, they presently found taken by policemen. These latter every man handled to the best of his ability, and had to pay for accordingly.
‘Shoo!’ said the Blacksmith, as he finished. ‘They’re nothin’ but a lot o’ tiddleywinkers up there. Let’s have another match with Saddlestrap.’
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1
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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snug
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| adj.温暖舒适的，合身的，安全的；v.使整洁干净，舒适地依靠，紧贴；n.（英）酒吧里的私房 | |
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3
pricked
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| 刺，扎，戳( prick的过去式和过去分词 )； 刺伤； 刺痛； 使剧痛 | |
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constable
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| n.(英国)警察，警官 | |
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yarn
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| n.纱，纱线，纺线；奇闻漫谈，旅行轶事 | |
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chilly
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| adj.凉快的，寒冷的 | |
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7
wade
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| v.跋涉，涉水；n.跋涉 | |
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8
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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9
procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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10
ERECTED
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| adj. 直立的，竖立的，笔直的 vt. 使 ... 直立，建立 | |
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11
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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12
exponent
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| n.倡导者，拥护者；代表人物；指数，幂 | |
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13
aggravating
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| adj.恼人的，讨厌的 | |
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14
scooping
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| n.捞球v.抢先报道( scoop的现在分词 )；（敏捷地）抱起；抢先获得；用铲[勺]等挖（洞等） | |
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15
perpendicularly
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| adv. 垂直地, 笔直地, 纵向地 | |
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16
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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17
erratic
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| adj.古怪的，反复无常的，不稳定的 | |
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misgiving
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕 | |
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19
dint
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| n.由于，靠；凹坑 | |
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perseverance
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| n.坚持不懈，不屈不挠 | |
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21
pegs
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| n.衣夹( peg的名词复数 )；挂钉；系帐篷的桩；弦钮v.用夹子或钉子固定( peg的第三人称单数 )；使固定在某水平 | |
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asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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versus
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| prep.以…为对手，对；与…相比之下 | |
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25
averred
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| v.断言( aver的过去式和过去分词 )；证实；证明…属实；作为事实提出 | |
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wilfully
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| adv.任性固执地；蓄意地 | |
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malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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emulation
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| n.竞争；仿效 | |
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foretold
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| v.预言，预示( foretell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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30
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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dubbed
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| v.给…起绰号( dub的过去式和过去分词 )；把…称为；配音；复制 | |
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33
exemption
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| n.豁免，免税额，免除 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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desultory
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| adj.散漫的，无方法的 | |
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urchins
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| n.顽童( urchin的名词复数 )；淘气鬼；猬；海胆 | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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foe
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| n.敌人，仇敌 | |
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manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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placidly
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| adv.平稳地，平静地 | |
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gory
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| adj.流血的；残酷的 | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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45
refreshing
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| adj.使精神振作的，使人清爽的，使人喜欢的 | |
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46
dawdle
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| vi.浪费时间；闲荡 | |
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exertion
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| n.尽力，努力 | |
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48
eloquently
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| adv. 雄辩地(有口才地, 富于表情地) | |
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49
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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50
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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51
partisans
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| 游击队员( partisan的名词复数 )； 党人； 党羽； 帮伙 | |
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52
contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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53
hovered
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| 鸟( hover的过去式和过去分词 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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54
fray
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| v.争吵；打斗；磨损，磨破；n.吵架；打斗 | |
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55
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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56
hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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57
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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58
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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59
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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60
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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61
swells
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| 增强( swell的第三人称单数 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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62
dodges
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| n.闪躲( dodge的名词复数 )；躲避；伎俩；妙计v.闪躲( dodge的第三人称单数 )；回避 | |
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63
blandly
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| adv.温和地，殷勤地 | |
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64
magpies
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| 喜鹊（magpie的复数形式） | |
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