Is it generally known, for instance, that in the State of Utah there is a statute2 which makes it a misdemeanor to purchase, sell or smoke cigarettes? One may not puff3 in a public place; yet one may do so in private, the law contends. The Mormon Church is opposed not only to drinking and smoking, but to coffee-drinking as well; and as the elders in that church are the big property owners in Salt Lake City, controlling the hotels and other public buildings, when I went there not long ago I wondered if I would be permitted to light a weed.
With soda-fountains gracing the lobbies of the smartest caravanseries, I had my doubts; but when I casually4 asked where the cigar-stand was, I was directed to a garish5 counter, and beneath gleaming glass cases I saw, to my amazement6, all brands of cigarettes on sale. I asked how this could be.
“You don’t take this law seriously?” a native said to me.
18 “I am getting so that I cannot take any law seriously,” was my natural answer—as it undoubtedly7 would have been yours, dear reader. Yet you and I call ourselves perfectly8 decent, God-fearing American citizens, do we not?
I hadn’t the slightest trouble in purchasing everything that I wanted; yet a new fear possessed9 me. After dinner, would it be possible to smoke in the main dining-room?
To make a long story short—it was. Everyone was doing it, just as though a law had never been heard of; and I saw Mormons consuming coffee, too. Think of it!
For almost two years now the farce10 has gone on. No one thinks it curious any more that the mandate11 is not obeyed.
They told me of a case recently tried out there. A small tobacco merchant—an Italian, if I recall correctly—was arrested for selling a package of cigarettes to a detective. (To remind people of the august legislature and to give the tax-payers another reason for being taxed, a minion12 of the law must go about now and then, on a fat salary, to investigate conditions.) At the trial, the package in evidence was placed on a large green-covered table, in the presence of the jury and the Court. It was all very incriminating. The prosecuting13 attorney worked himself into a fine fury of eloquence14, denouncing the pitiful little culprit in high-faluting language that the wretch15 on trial could not possibly understand.19 The majesty16 of the law must be upheld. This was terrible; it was atrocious—though nothing was said of the fact that down in the heart of the city, every hour of the day, this same law was openly violated. The judge solemnly charged the jury—and hastened out to luncheon17.
But the twelve good men and true were out only a few moments. They brought in a verdict of not guilty.
“How can this be?” cried the Court, in wrath18. And the counsel for the people tore his hair, metaphorically19, if not literally20. The detective looked blank. Then the foreman arose and said that the jury had had no evidence presented to them that cigarettes had been sold, as the package covering the alleged21 malignant22 little weeds had never been opened.
And so the money of the good citizens of Utah is being spent on such opera-bouffé trials—and they continue to stand for it.
A delightful23 state of affairs, my masters. Such incidents should get into the papers more frequently. For we can all stand anything but ridicule24. And when the law is thus made ridiculous, it is to laugh, isn’t it?
Or should one remain serious in the face of such nonsense—as of course the reformers would have us do.
Well, I am afraid they will have to pass laws against smiling before I can be brought to terms.20 And even then I may break another law—and go to jail for it. Or more likely remain peacefully at home, as I do now, breaking so many that I have stopped counting them.
I fear that I break the speed laws—as do you. I am afraid that most of us do. Yet I am not conscious of good ladies of any N. S. L. S. (National Speed Law Society) giving up tea-parties that they may get out on the highways to watch us, and report us, and, if need be, arrest us themselves. Yet when you and I dine at a restaurant in a city like New York, we are apt to note a policeman in uniform standing25 in the doorway26, his eagle eye upon us, to see that we do not take flasks27 from our pockets. I wonder what would happen if, under the very nose of this representative of law and order, one should pour from a bottle some harmless iced-tea. Alas28! I fear that the law is not to be trifled with in that way. The dignity of our jurisprudence must not be disturbed. One might be hauled up and arraigned29 for disorderly conduct, or for some such trumped-up charge.
But it is a pretty picture, isn’t it, to see perfectly good tax-payers watched and spied upon while they eat their meals? Ye gods! and in a supposedly free country! How our ancestors must turn in their graves—they who wrote something, didn’t they, about “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”?
Who shall define that last phrase today? I wonder21 what it means—what anything means—in these topsy-turvy times.
Not long ago, in solemn conclave30 in an eastern city, a holy body of men and women aroused the whole country to its first volume of fury by suggesting that gatling-guns be used to enforce obedience31 to the Prohibition32 law. In their fanatical zeal34, they were seriously for murdering a number of us, and they saw no humor in their announcement. What were a few lives, if the LAW was upheld?—a law, by the way, which millions of thinking people do not believe should ever have been put upon our statutes35. No more shameful36 resolution was ever made at a public meeting; yet I would not have been surprised had it been passed, to such a state of imbecility have we come. Why stop where we are? Let the digging in go on; let the teeth of the law sink into your flesh until we groan37 in agony. Let the busybodies and the cranks become as thick as flies and locusts38 in time of pestilence39. Let them gather in battalions40 around us, sting us, flay41 us, torture us—until at last the vestige42 of manhood which is left in us may cause us to turn upon them.
I fear that the law which makes it illegal for a minor43 to be admitted to a theater or a motion-picture palace is broken every day in every city of our broad and beneficent land. Yet I do not find pickets44 from Children’s Societies, standing about to see that the letter of the law is obeyed. We pretend to be deeply interested in the welfare of the coming generation—so22 interested, in fact, that the present generation is forced to give up its harmless toddy, that the children of tomorrow may be robust45 supermen and superwomen.
The Fifteenth? Oh; why talk of it? The South knows its problems, and can cope with them. Besides ... well ... Ahem!... That’s another matter, and has no bearing upon the issue at hand.
Why hasn’t it? Yet if you ask ten people in the street what the Fifteenth Amendment is the chances are that only one will be able to tell you.
If the negro was enfranchised46, he was enfranchised, and should be permitted to vote. That is the law of the land. It is part of our glorious Constitution.
But do you hear anyone raising a row over the fact that no one pays any attention to it in certain parts of the South? Few zealots work for the rights of negro voters—none, I should say. It matters little to us that they are denied that privilege which belongs to every citizen here, whether he is black or white, or what his previous condition of servitude.
Why should we respect one Amendment to the Constitution, and be allowed to hold in contempt another?
Truly, the logic47 of the fanatic is hard to follow. If one of them reads these words, he will merely smile and pass on, and do nothing at all about it.23 For just now he is fearfully concerned over Mr. Volstead and the carrying out of his policies. One thing at a time, please.
His interest may keep him busy for so many years to come that he will have the excuse of no free moment to study the Fifteenth Amendment. But all the Amendments48 should be enforced, or wiped off the books.
Riding in a train once through the sanctified State of Kansas, where long they have refused to let you and me buy a cigarette, I asked for a package in the dining-car.
“Then why don’t you inform passengers before we cross the State line, in order that they may stock up?” I inquired—humanly enough, I thought.
“They should look out for themselves,” was his rather unkind reply.
I thought a moment. I did want a smoke, and I was determined50 to have one, despite all the laws in Christendom. I told my feelings to the steward. He saw that I was in earnest. In fact, he came to see the justice of my suggestion that passengers, unaccustomed at that time to so many restrictions51 (this happened in the halcyon52, prehistoric53 days before Prohibition) should be given some hint of the approach of the State line.
He came over and whispered in my ear, first looking about him—as we are all doing nowadays,24 the while we laugh at Russia and Prussia: “Say, if you’ll drop a quarter on the floor, I’ll pick it up; and there’ll be a package of cigarettes under your napkin in a minute.”
Thus was another holy law disobeyed.
And it is done every day, O proud fanatics54, who think you are cleaning us up. And it always will be done. For poor old frail55 human nature is just what it is; and spiritual reformation can never come, as you would have it, from without, in. We must all work out our own destinies, from within, out. Somehow we like the little battles with our souls. They add a piquancy56 to life. They give a spice and zest57 to the level days. Our appetites are our own affairs. The moderate drinker is not a drunkard; and to place restrictions upon him, in order to cure the ne’er-do-well is as unjust as it would be to put the petit larceny58 prisoner in the death chair along with the murderer.
Gertrude Atherton, who is wise and broad-minded, once wrote an article against Prohibition, which began with these sharp, incisive59 sentences:
“I am a woman. I never drink. But I am against Prohibition.”
My own sentiments, exactly.
Temperance—yes; but never absolute restrictions. And if we continue to place them upon the people, we shall have nothing but broken, shattered laws all down the line; and finally something else will be broken and shattered.
25 I mean the dream of this great Republic. I mean the illusion which all of us had that we were not to live under despots. I mean the hope of a race which believed in democracy, and finds itself suddenly in the grasp and under the domination of bitter tyrants60, who seek to chain us, and imprison61 not only our bodies, but our very souls.

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1
amendment
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n.改正,修正,改善,修正案 | |
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2
statute
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n.成文法,法令,法规;章程,规则,条例 | |
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3
puff
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n.一口(气);一阵(风);v.喷气,喘气 | |
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casually
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adv.漠不关心地,无动于衷地,不负责任地 | |
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garish
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adj.华丽而俗气的,华而不实的 | |
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amazement
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n.惊奇,惊讶 | |
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undoubtedly
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adv.确实地,无疑地 | |
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perfectly
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adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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possessed
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adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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farce
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n.闹剧,笑剧,滑稽戏;胡闹 | |
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mandate
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n.托管地;命令,指示 | |
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minion
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n.宠仆;宠爱之人 | |
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prosecuting
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检举、告发某人( prosecute的现在分词 ); 对某人提起公诉; 继续从事(某事物); 担任控方律师 | |
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eloquence
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n.雄辩;口才,修辞 | |
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wretch
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n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
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majesty
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n.雄伟,壮丽,庄严,威严;最高权威,王权 | |
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luncheon
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n.午宴,午餐,便宴 | |
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wrath
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n.愤怒,愤慨,暴怒 | |
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metaphorically
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adv. 用比喻地 | |
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literally
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adv.照字面意义,逐字地;确实 | |
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21
alleged
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a.被指控的,嫌疑的 | |
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malignant
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adj.恶性的,致命的;恶意的,恶毒的 | |
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delightful
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adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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ridicule
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v.讥讽,挖苦;n.嘲弄 | |
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25
standing
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n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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doorway
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n.门口,(喻)入门;门路,途径 | |
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flasks
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n.瓶,长颈瓶, 烧瓶( flask的名词复数 ) | |
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alas
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int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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arraigned
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v.告发( arraign的过去式和过去分词 );控告;传讯;指责 | |
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conclave
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n.秘密会议,红衣主教团 | |
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obedience
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n.服从,顺从 | |
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prohibition
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n.禁止;禁令,禁律 | |
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33
fanatic
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n.狂热者,入迷者;adj.狂热入迷的 | |
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zeal
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n.热心,热情,热忱 | |
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statutes
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成文法( statute的名词复数 ); 法令; 法规; 章程 | |
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shameful
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adj.可耻的,不道德的 | |
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groan
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vi./n.呻吟,抱怨;(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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locusts
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n.蝗虫( locust的名词复数 );贪吃的人;破坏者;槐树 | |
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pestilence
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n.瘟疫 | |
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40
battalions
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n.(陆军的)一营(大约有一千兵士)( battalion的名词复数 );协同作战的部队;军队;(组织在一起工作的)队伍 | |
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flay
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vt.剥皮;痛骂 | |
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vestige
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n.痕迹,遗迹,残余 | |
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minor
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adj.较小(少)的,较次要的;n.辅修学科;vi.辅修 | |
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pickets
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罢工纠察员( picket的名词复数 ) | |
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robust
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adj.强壮的,强健的,粗野的,需要体力的,浓的 | |
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enfranchised
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v.给予选举权( enfranchise的过去式和过去分词 );(从奴隶制中)解放 | |
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47
logic
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n.逻辑(学);逻辑性 | |
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48
amendments
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(法律、文件的)改动( amendment的名词复数 ); 修正案; 修改; (美国宪法的)修正案 | |
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49
steward
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n.乘务员,服务员;看管人;膳食管理员 | |
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50
determined
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adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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restrictions
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约束( restriction的名词复数 ); 管制; 制约因素; 带限制性的条件(或规则) | |
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52
halcyon
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n.平静的,愉快的 | |
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prehistoric
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adj.(有记载的)历史以前的,史前的,古老的 | |
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54
fanatics
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狂热者,入迷者( fanatic的名词复数 ) | |
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55
frail
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adj.身体虚弱的;易损坏的 | |
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piquancy
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n.辛辣,辣味,痛快 | |
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zest
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n.乐趣;滋味,风味;兴趣 | |
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58
larceny
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n.盗窃(罪) | |
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59
incisive
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adj.敏锐的,机敏的,锋利的,切入的 | |
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60
tyrants
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专制统治者( tyrant的名词复数 ); 暴君似的人; (古希腊的)僭主; 严酷的事物 | |
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61
imprison
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vt.监禁,关押,限制,束缚 | |
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