Well, it is not for him that I write; there are books and books, and even chapters and chapters, just as there are people and people. I myself avoid books dealing9 with health and disease. I used when younger to be unable to resist the temptation of a medical book; but now I am wiser, and if I sometimes yield to the temptation, it is with a backward glancing eye and a cautious step. And I will say that I generally put back the book with a snap, in a moment, as though a snake had[215] stung me. But there will be no pathology here—nothing but a patient effort to look a failing in the face, and to suggest a remedy.
Fears
I speak to the initiated10, to those who have gone down into the dark cave, and seen the fire burn low in the shrine11, and watched aghast the formless, mouldering12 things—hideous implements13 are they, or mere weapons?—that hang upon the walls.
Do you know what it is to dwell, perhaps for days together, under the shadow of a fear? Perhaps a definite fear—a fear of poverty, or a fear of obloquy14, or a fear of harshness, or a fear of pain, or a fear of disease—or, worse than all, a boding15, misshapen, sullen16 dread17 which has no definite cause, and is therefore the harder to resist.
Dreams
These moods, I say it with gratitude18 for myself and for the encouragement of others, tend to diminish in acuteness and in frequency as I grow older. They are now, as ever, preluded19 by dreams of a singular kind, dreams of rapid and confused action, dreams of a romantic and exaggerated pictorial21 character—huge mountain ranges, lofty and venerable buildings, landscapes of incredible beauty, gardens of unimaginable luxuriance, which[216] pass with incredible rapidity before the mind. I will indicate two of these in detail. I was in a vessel22 like a yacht, armed with a massive steel prow23 like a ram2, which moved in some aerial fashion over a landscape, skimming it seemed to me but a few feet above the ground. A tall man of benignant aspect stood upon the bridge, and directed the operations of the unseen navigator. We ascended24 a heathery valley, and presently encountered snow-drifts, upon which the vessel seemed to settle down to her full speed; at last we entered a prodigious25 snowfield, with vast ridged snow-waves extending in every direction for miles; the vessel ran not over but through these waves, sending up huge spouts26 of snow which fell in cool showers upon my head and hands, while the tinkle27 of dry ice fragments made a perpetual low music. At last we stopped and I descended28 on to the plateau. Far ahead, through rolling clouds, I saw the black snow-crowned heights of a mountain, loftier than any seen by human eye, and for leagues round me lay the interminable waste of snow. I was aroused from my absorption by a voice behind me; the vessel started again on her course with a leap like a porpoise29, and though I screamed[217] aloud to stop her, I saw her, in a few seconds, many yards ahead, describing great curves as she ran, with the snow spouting30 over her like a fountain.
The second was a very different scene. I was in the vine-clad alleys31 of some Italian garden; against the still blue air a single stone pine defined itself; I walked along a path, and turning a corner an exquisite32 conventual building of immense size, built of a light brown stone, revealed itself. From all the alleys round emerged troops of monastic figures in soft white gowns, and a mellow33 chime of exceeding sweetness floated from the building. I saw that I too was robed like the rest; but the gliding34 figures outstripped35 me; and arriving last at a great iron portal I found it closed, and the strains of a great organ came drowsily36 from within.
Then into the dream falls a sudden sense of despair like an ashen37 cloud; a feeling of incredible agony, intensified38 by the beauty of the surrounding scene, that agony which feverishly39 questions as to why so dark a stroke should fall when the mind seems at peace with itself and lost in dreamy wonder at the loveliness all about it. Then the vision closes, and[218] for a time the mind battles with dark waves of anguish40, emerging at last, like a diver from a dim sea, into the waking consciousness. The sickly daylight filters through the window curtains and the familiar room swims into sight. The first thought is one of unutterable relief, which is struck instantly out of the mind by the pounce41 of the troubled mood; and then follows a ghastly hour, when every possibility of horror and woe42 intangible presses in upon the battling mind. At such moments a definite difficulty, a practical problem would be welcome—but there is none; the misery44 is too deep for thought, and even, when after long wrestling, the knowledge comes that it is all a subjective45 condition, and that there is no adequate cause in life or circumstances for this unmanning terror—even then it can only be silently endured, like the racking of some fierce physical pain.
Woe
The day that succeeds to such a waking mood is almost the worst part of the experience. Shaken and dizzied by the inrush of woe, the mind straggles wearily through hour after hour; the familiar duties are intolerable; food has no savour; action and thought no interest; and if for an hour the tired head is[219] diverted by some passing event, or if, oppressed with utter exhaustion46, it sinks into an unrefreshing slumber47, repose48 but gives the strength to suffer—the accursed mood leaps again, as from an unseen lair49, upon the unnerved consciousness, and tears like some strange beast the helpless and palpitating soul.
When first, at Cambridge, I had the woeful experiences above recorded, I was so unused to endurance, so bewildered by suffering, that I think for awhile I was almost beside myself. I recollect50 going down with some friends, in a brief lull51 of misery, to watch a football match, when the horror seized me in the middle of a cheerful talk with such vehemence52, that I could only rush off with a muttered word, and return to my rooms, in which I immured53 myself to spend an hour in an agony of prayer. Again I recollect sitting with some of the friends of my own age after hall; we were smoking and talking peacefully enough—for some days my torment54 had been suspended—when all at once, out of the secret darkness the terror leapt upon me, and after in vain resisting it for a few moments, I hurried away, having just enough self-respect to glance at my watch and mutter something[220] about a forgotten engagement. But worst of all was a walk taken with my closest friend on a murky55 November day. We started in good spirits, when in a moment the accursed foe56 was upon me; I hardly spoke57 except for fitful questions. Our way led us to a level crossing, beside a belt of woodland, where a huge luggage train was jolting58 and bumping backwards59 and forewards. We hung upon the gate; and then, and then only, came upon me in a flash an almost irresistible60 temptation to lay my head beneath the ponderous61 wheels, and end it all; I could only pray in silence, and hurry from the spot in speechless agitation62. What wonder if I heard on the following day that my friend complained that I was altering for the worse—that I had become so sullen and morose63 that it was no use talking to me.
Gradually, very gradually, the aching frost of the soul broke up and thawed64; little trifling65 encouraging incidents—a small success or two, an article accepted by a magazine, a friendship, an athletic66 victory, raised me step by step out of the gloom. One benefit, even at the time, it brought me—an acute sensitiveness to beauty both of sight and sound. I used to steal at even-song into the dark nave67 of[221] King’s Chapel68, and the sight of the screen, the flood of subdued69 light overflowing70 from the choir71, the carven angels with their gilded72 trumpets73, penetrated74 into the soul with an exquisite sweetness; and still more the music—whether the low prelude20 with the whispering pedals, the severe monotone breaking into freshets of harmony, the swing and richness of the chants, or the elaborate beauty of some familiar magnificat or anthem—all fell like showers upon the arid75 sense. The music at King’s had one characteristic that I have never heard elsewhere; the properties of the building are such that the echo lingers without blurring76 the successive chords—not “loth to die,” I used to think, as Wordsworth says, but sinking as it were from consciousness to dream, and from dream to death.
The Brotherhood77 of Sorrow
One further gain—the greater—was that my suffering did not, I think, withdraw me wholly into myself and fence me from the world; rather it gave me a sense of the brotherhood of grief. I was one with all the agonies that lie silent in the shadow of life; and though my suffering had no tangible43 cause, yet I was initiated into the fellowship of those who bear. I understood;—weak,[222] faithless, and faulty as I was, I was no longer in the complacent78 isolation79 of the strong, the successful, the selfish, and even in my darkest hour I had strength to thank God for that.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
temperament
|
|
| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
ram
|
|
| (random access memory)随机存取存储器 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
serene
|
|
| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
contented
|
|
| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
mere
|
|
| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
smothered
|
|
| （使）窒息， （使）透不过气( smother的过去式和过去分词 )； 覆盖； 忍住； 抑制 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
morbid
|
|
| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
sordid
|
|
| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
dealing
|
|
| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
initiated
|
|
| n. 创始人 adj. 新加入的 vt. 开始，创始，启蒙，介绍加入 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
shrine
|
|
| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
mouldering
|
|
| v.腐朽( moulder的现在分词 )；腐烂，崩塌 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
implements
|
|
| n.工具( implement的名词复数 )；家具；手段；[法律]履行（契约等）v.实现( implement的第三人称单数 )；执行；贯彻；使生效 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
obloquy
|
|
| n.斥责，大骂 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
boding
|
|
| adj.凶兆的，先兆的n.凶兆，前兆，预感v.预示，预告，预言( bode的现在分词 )；等待，停留( bide的过去分词 )；居住；（过去式用bided）等待 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
sullen
|
|
| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
dread
|
|
| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
gratitude
|
|
| adj.感激，感谢 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
preluded
|
|
| v.为…作序，开头（prelude的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
prelude
|
|
| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
pictorial
|
|
| adj.绘画的；图片的；n．画报 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
vessel
|
|
| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
prow
|
|
| n.(飞机)机头，船头 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
ascended
|
|
| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
prodigious
|
|
| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
spouts
|
|
| n.管口( spout的名词复数 )；（喷出的）水柱；（容器的）嘴；在困难中v.（指液体）喷出( spout的第三人称单数 )；滔滔不绝地讲；喋喋不休地说；喷水 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
tinkle
|
|
| vi.叮当作响；n.叮当声 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
descended
|
|
| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
porpoise
|
|
| n.鼠海豚 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
spouting
|
|
| n.水落管系统v.（指液体）喷出( spout的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地讲；喋喋不休地说；喷水 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
alleys
|
|
| 胡同，小巷( alley的名词复数 )； 小径 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
exquisite
|
|
| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
mellow
|
|
| adj.柔和的；熟透的；v.变柔和；(使)成熟 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
gliding
|
|
| v. 滑翔 adj. 滑动的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
outstripped
|
|
| v.做得比…更好，（在赛跑等中）超过( outstrip的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
drowsily
|
|
| adv.睡地，懒洋洋地，昏昏欲睡地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
ashen
|
|
| adj.灰的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
intensified
|
|
| v.（使）增强， （使）加剧( intensify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
feverishly
|
|
| adv. 兴奋地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
anguish
|
|
| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
pounce
|
|
| n.猛扑；v.猛扑，突然袭击，欣然同意 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
woe
|
|
| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
tangible
|
|
| adj.有形的，可触摸的，确凿的，实际的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
misery
|
|
| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
subjective
|
|
| a.主观(上)的，个人的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
exhaustion
|
|
| n.耗尽枯竭，疲惫，筋疲力尽，竭尽，详尽无遗的论述 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
slumber
|
|
| n.睡眠，沉睡状态 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
repose
|
|
| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
lair
|
|
| n.野兽的巢穴；躲藏处 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
recollect
|
|
| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
lull
|
|
| v.使安静，使入睡，缓和，哄骗；n.暂停，间歇 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
vehemence
|
|
| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
immured
|
|
| v.禁闭，监禁( immure的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
torment
|
|
| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
murky
|
|
| adj.黑暗的，朦胧的；adv.阴暗地，混浊地；n.阴暗；昏暗 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
foe
|
|
| n.敌人，仇敌 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
spoke
|
|
| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
jolting
|
|
| adj.令人震惊的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
59
backwards
|
|
| adv.往回地，向原处，倒，相反，前后倒置地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
60
irresistible
|
|
| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
61
ponderous
|
|
| adj.沉重的，笨重的，(文章)冗长的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
62
agitation
|
|
| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
63
morose
|
|
| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
64
thawed
|
|
| 解冻 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
65
trifling
|
|
| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
66
athletic
|
|
| adj.擅长运动的，强健的；活跃的，体格健壮的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
67
nave
|
|
| n.教堂的中部；本堂 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
68
chapel
|
|
| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
69
subdued
|
|
| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
70
overflowing
|
|
| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
71
choir
|
|
| n.唱诗班，唱诗班的席位，合唱团，舞蹈团；v.合唱 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
72
gilded
|
|
| a.镀金的，富有的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
73
trumpets
|
|
| 喇叭( trumpet的名词复数 )； 小号； 喇叭形物； （尤指）绽开的水仙花 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
74
penetrated
|
|
| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
75
arid
|
|
| adj.干旱的；(土地)贫瘠的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
76
blurring
|
|
| n.模糊，斑点甚多，（图像的）混乱v.（使）变模糊( blur的现在分词 )；（使）难以区分 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
77
brotherhood
|
|
| n.兄弟般的关系，手中情谊 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
78
complacent
|
|
| adj.自满的；自鸣得意的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
79
isolation
|
|
| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |