I was about eleven years old at the time of Ananta's betrothal2. Mother was in Calcutta, joyously3 supervising the wedding preparations. Father and I alone remained at our home in Bareilly in northern India, whence Father had been transferred after two years at Lahore.
I had previously4 witnessed the splendor5 of nuptial6 rites7 for my two elder sisters, Roma and Uma; but for Ananta, as the eldest8 son, plans were truly elaborate. Mother was welcoming numerous relatives, daily arriving in Calcutta from distant homes. She lodged9 them comfortably in a large, newly acquired house at 50 Amherst Street. Everything was in readiness-the banquet delicacies10, the gay throne on which Brother was to be carried to the home of the bride-to-be, the rows of colorful lights, the mammoth11 cardboard elephants and camels, the English, Scottish and Indian orchestras, the professional entertainers, the priests for the ancient rituals.
Father and I, in gala spirits, were planning to join the family in time for the ceremony. Shortly before the great day, however, I had an ominous12 vision.
It was in Bareilly on a midnight. As I slept beside Father on the piazza13 of our bungalow14, I was awakened16 by a peculiar17 flutter of the mosquito netting over the bed. The flimsy curtains parted and I saw the beloved form of my mother.
"Awaken15 your father!" Her voice was only a whisper. "Take the first available train, at four o'clock this morning. Rush to Calcutta if you would see me!" The wraithlike18 figure vanished.
"Father, Father! Mother is dying!" The terror in my tone aroused him instantly. I sobbed19 out the fatal tidings.
"Never mind that hallucination of yours." Father gave his characteristic negation20 to a new situation. "Your mother is in excellent health. If we get any bad news, we shall leave tomorrow."
"You shall never forgive yourself for not starting now!" Anguish21 caused me to add bitterly, "Nor shall I ever forgive you!"
The melancholy22 morning came with explicit23 words: "Mother dangerously ill; marriage postponed24; come at once."
Father and I left distractedly. One of my uncles met us en route at a transfer point. A train thundered toward us, looming26 with telescopic increase. From my inner tumult27, an abrupt28 determination arose to hurl29 myself on the railroad tracks. Already bereft30, I felt, of my mother, I could not endure a world suddenly barren to the bone. I loved Mother as my dearest friend on earth. Her solacing31 black eyes had been my surest refuge in the trifling32 tragedies of childhood.
"Does she yet live?" I stopped for one last question to my uncle.
"Of course she is alive!" He was not slow to interpret the desperation in my face. But I scarcely believed him.
When we reached our Calcutta home, it was only to confront the stunning33 mystery of death. I collapsed34 into an almost lifeless state. Years passed before any reconciliation35 entered my heart. Storming the very gates of heaven, my cries at last summoned the Divine Mother. Her words brought final healing to my suppurating wounds:
"It is I who have watched over thee, life after life, in the tenderness of many mothers! See in My gaze the two black eyes, the lost beautiful eyes, thou seekest!"
Father and I returned to Bareilly soon after the crematory rites for the well-beloved. Early every morning I made a pathetic memorial- pilgrimage to a large sheoli tree which shaded the smooth, green-gold lawn before our bungalow. In poetical36 moments, I thought that the white sheoli flowers were strewing37 themselves with a willing devotion over the grassy38 altar. Mingling39 tears with the dew, I often observed a strange other-worldly light emerging from the dawn. Intense pangs40 of longing41 for God assailed42 me. I felt powerfully drawn44 to the Himalayas.
One of my cousins, fresh from a period of travel in the holy hills, visited us in Bareilly. I listened eagerly to his tales about the high mountain abode45 of yogis and swamis. 2-1
"Let us run away to the Himalayas." My suggestion one day to Dwarka Prasad, the young son of our landlord in Bareilly, fell on unsympathetic ears. He revealed my plan to my elder brother, who had just arrived to see Father. Instead of laughing lightly over this impractical46 scheme of a small boy, Ananta made it a definite point to ridicule47 me.
"Where is your orange robe? You can't be a swami without that!"
But I was inexplicably48 thrilled by his words. They brought a clear picture of myself roaming about India as a monk49. Perhaps they awakened memories of a past life; in any case, I began to see with what natural ease I would wear the garb50 of that anciently-founded monastic order.
Chatting one morning with Dwarka, I felt a love for God descending51 with avalanchic force. My companion was only partly attentive52 to the ensuing eloquence53, but I was wholeheartedly listening to myself.
I fled that afternoon toward Naini Tal in the Himalayan foothills. Ananta gave determined54 chase; I was forced to return sadly to Bareilly. The only pilgrimage permitted me was the customary one at dawn to the sheoli tree. My heart wept for the lost Mothers, human and divine.
The rent left in the family fabric55 by Mother's death was irreparable. Father never remarried during his nearly forty remaining years. Assuming the difficult role of Father-Mother to his little flock, he grew noticeably more tender, more approachable. With calmness and insight, he solved the various family problems. After office hours he retired56 like a hermit57 to the cell of his room, practicing Kriya Yoga in a sweet serenity58. Long after Mother's death, I attempted to engage an English nurse to attend to details that would make my parent's life more comfortable. But Father shook his head.
mother
My Mother
"Service to me ended with your mother." His eyes were remote with a lifelong devotion. "I will not accept ministrations from any other woman."
Fourteen months after Mother's passing, I learned that she had left me a momentous60 message. Ananta was present at her deathbed and had recorded her words. Although she had asked that the disclosure be made to me in one year, my brother delayed. He was soon to leave Bareilly for Calcutta, to marry the girl Mother had chosen for him. 2-2 One evening he summoned me to his side.
"Mukunda, I have been reluctant to give you strange tidings." Ananta's tone held a note of resignation. "My fear was to inflame62 your desire to leave home. But in any case you are bristling63 with divine ardor64. When I captured you recently on your way to the Himalayas, I came to a definite resolve. I must not further postpone25 the fulfillment of my solemn promise." My brother handed me a small box, and delivered Mother's message.
"Let these words be my final blessing65, my beloved son Mukunda!" Mother had said. "The hour is here when I must relate a number of phenomenal events following your birth. I first knew your destined66 path when you were but a babe in my arms. I carried you then to the home of my guru in Benares. Almost hidden behind a throng67 of disciples68, I could barely see Lahiri Mahasaya as he sat in deep meditation69.
"While I patted you, I was praying that the great guru take notice and bestow70 a blessing. As my silent devotional demand grew in intensity71, he opened his eyes and beckoned72 me to approach. The others made a way for me; I bowed at the sacred feet. My master seated you on his lap, placing his hand on your forehead by way of spiritually baptizing you.
"'Little mother, thy son will be a yogi. As a spiritual engine, he will carry many souls to God's kingdom.'
"My heart leaped with joy to find my secret prayer granted by the omniscient73 guru. Shortly before your birth, he had told me you would follow his path.
"Later, my son, your vision of the Great Light was known to me and your sister Roma, as from the next room we observed you motionless on the bed. Your little face was illuminated74; your voice rang with iron resolve as you spoke75 of going to the Himalayas in quest of the Divine.
"In these ways, dear son, I came to know that your road lies far from worldly ambitions. The most singular event in my life brought further confirmation-an event which now impels76 my deathbed message.
"It was an interview with a sage61 in the Punjab. While our family was living in Lahore, one morning the servant came precipitantly into my room.
"'Mistress, a strange sadhu 2-3 is here. He insists that he "see the mother of Mukunda."'
"These simple words struck a profound chord within me; I went at once to greet the visitor. Bowing at his feet, I sensed that before me was a true man of God.
"'Mother,' he said, 'the great masters wish you to know that your stay on earth will not be long. Your next illness shall prove to be your last.' 2-4 There was a silence, during which I felt no alarm but only a vibration77 of great peace. Finally he addressed me again:
"'You are to be the custodian78 of a certain silver amulet79. I will not give it to you today; to demonstrate the truth in my words, the talisman80 shall materialize in your hands tomorrow as you meditate81. On your deathbed, you must instruct your eldest son Ananta to keep the amulet for one year and then to hand it over to your second son. Mukunda will understand the meaning of the talisman from the great ones. He should receive it about the time he is ready to renounce82 all worldly hopes and start his vital search for God. When he has retained the amulet for some years, and when it has served its purpose, it shall vanish. Even if kept in the most secret spot, it shall return whence it came.'
"I proffered83 alms 2-5 to the saint, and bowed before him in great reverence84. Not taking the offering, he departed with a blessing. The next evening, as I sat with folded hands in meditation, a silver amulet materialized between my palms, even as the sadhu had promised. It made itself known by a cold, smooth touch. I have jealously guarded it for more than two years, and now leave it in Ananta's keeping. Do not grieve for me, as I shall have been ushered85 by my great guru into the arms of the Infinite. Farewell, my child; the Cosmic Mother will protect you."
A blaze of illumination came over me with possession of the amulet; many dormant86 memories awakened. The talisman, round and anciently quaint87, was covered with Sanskrit characters. I understood that it came from teachers of past lives, who were invisibly guiding my steps. A further significance there was, indeed; but one does not reveal fully43 the heart of an amulet.
How the talisman finally vanished amidst deeply unhappy circumstances of my life; and how its loss was a herald88 of my gain of a guru, cannot be told in this chapter.
But the small boy, thwarted89 in his attempts to reach the Himalayas, daily traveled far on the wings of his amulet.
2-1: Sanskrit root meaning of swami is "he who is one with his Self (Swa)." Applied90 to a member of the Indian order of monks91, the title has the formal respect of "the reverend."
2-2: The Indian custom, whereby parents choose the life-partner for their child, has resisted the blunt assaults of time. The percentage is high of happy Indian marriages.
2-3: An anchorite; one who pursues a sadhana or path of spiritual discipline.
2-4: When I discovered by these words that Mother had possessed92 secret knowledge of a short life, I understood for the first time why she had been insistent93 on hastening the plans for Ananta's marriage. Though she died before the wedding, her natural maternal94 wish had been to witness the rites.
2-5: A customary gesture of respect to sadhus .
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1
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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betrothal
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| n. 婚约, 订婚 | |
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joyously
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| ad.快乐地, 高兴地 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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nuptial
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| adj.婚姻的，婚礼的 | |
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rites
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| 仪式，典礼( rite的名词复数 ) | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 )；暂住；埋入；（权利、权威等）归属 | |
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delicacies
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| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
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mammoth
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| n.长毛象；adj.长毛象似的，巨大的 | |
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ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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piazza
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| n.广场；走廊 | |
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bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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15
awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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wraithlike
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sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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negation
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| n.否定；否认 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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explicit
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| adj.详述的，明确的；坦率的；显然的 | |
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postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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postpone
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| v.延期，推迟 | |
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looming
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| n.上现蜃景（光通过低层大气发生异常折射形成的一种海市蜃楼）v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的现在分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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tumult
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| n.喧哗；激动，混乱；吵闹 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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hurl
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| vt.猛投，力掷，声叫骂 | |
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bereft
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| adj.被剥夺的 | |
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solacing
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| v.安慰，慰藉( solace的现在分词 ) | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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stunning
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| adj.极好的；使人晕倒的 | |
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collapsed
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| adj.倒塌的 | |
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reconciliation
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| n.和解，和谐，一致 | |
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poetical
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| adj.似诗人的；诗一般的；韵文的；富有诗意的 | |
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strewing
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| v.撒在…上( strew的现在分词 )；散落于；点缀；撒满 | |
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grassy
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| adj.盖满草的；长满草的 | |
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mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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pangs
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| 突然的剧痛( pang的名词复数 )； 悲痛 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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assailed
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| v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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45
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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impractical
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| adj.不现实的，不实用的，不切实际的 | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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inexplicably
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| adv.无法说明地，难以理解地，令人难以理解的是 | |
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monk
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| n.和尚，僧侣，修道士 | |
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50
garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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51
descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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52
attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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53
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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54
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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fabric
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| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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hermit
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| n.隐士，修道者；隐居 | |
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58
serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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59
disciple
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| n.信徒，门徒，追随者 | |
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momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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sage
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| n.圣人，哲人；adj.贤明的，明智的 | |
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inflame
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| v.使燃烧；使极度激动；使发炎 | |
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bristling
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| a.竖立的 | |
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ardor
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| n.热情，狂热 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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disciples
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| n.信徒( disciple的名词复数 )；门徒；耶稣的信徒；（尤指）耶稣十二门徒之一 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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omniscient
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| adj.无所不知的；博识的 | |
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illuminated
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| adj.被照明的；受启迪的 | |
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75
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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impels
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| v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的第三人称单数 ) | |
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vibration
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| n.颤动，振动；摆动 | |
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custodian
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| n.保管人，监护人；公共建筑看守 | |
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amulet
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| n.护身符 | |
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talisman
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| n.避邪物，护身符 | |
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meditate
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| v.想，考虑，（尤指宗教上的）沉思，冥想 | |
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82
renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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proffered
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| v.提供，贡献，提出( proffer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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86
dormant
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| adj.暂停活动的；休眠的；潜伏的 | |
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87
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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88
herald
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| vt.预示...的来临，预告，宣布，欢迎 | |
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89
thwarted
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| 阻挠( thwart的过去式和过去分词 )； 使受挫折； 挫败； 横过 | |
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90
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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91
monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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92
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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93
insistent
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| adj.迫切的，坚持的 | |
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maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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