—Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
The starting point of this lecturing-trip around the world was Paris, where we had been living a year or two.
We sailed for America, and there made certain preparations. This took but little time. Two members of my family elected to go with me. Also a carbuncle. The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is out of place in a dictionary.
We started westward1 from New York in midsummer, with Major Pond to manage the platform-business as far as the Pacific. It was warm work, all the way, and the last fortnight of it was suffocatingly2 smoky, for in Oregon and British Columbia the forest fires were raging. We had an added week of smoke at the seaboard, where we were obliged to wait awhile for our ship. She had been getting herself ashore3 in the smoke, and she had to be docked and repaired.
We sailed at last; and so ended a snail-paced march across the continent, which had lasted forty days.
We moved westward about mid-afternoon over a rippled4 and sparkling summer sea; an enticing5 sea, a clean and cool sea, and apparently6 a welcome sea to all on board; it certainly was to me, after the distressful7 dustings and smokings and swelterings of the past weeks. The voyage would furnish a three-weeks holiday, with hardly a break in it. We had the whole Pacific Ocean in front of us, with nothing to do but do nothing and be comfortable. The city of Victoria was twinkling dim in the deep heart of her smoke-cloud, and getting ready to vanish and now we closed the field-glasses and sat down on our steamer chairs contented8 and at peace. But they went to wreck9 and ruin under us and brought us to shame before all the passengers. They had been furnished by the largest furniture-dealing house in Victoria, and were worth a couple of farthings a dozen, though they had cost us the price of honest chairs. In the Pacific and Indian Oceans one must still bring his own deck-chair on board or go without, just as in the old forgotten Atlantic times—those Dark Ages of sea travel.
Ours was a reasonably comfortable ship, with the customary sea-going fare—plenty of good food furnished by the Deity10 and cooked by the devil. The discipline observable on board was perhaps as good as it is anywhere in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. The ship was not very well arranged for tropical service; but that is nothing, for this is the rule for ships which ply11 in the tropics. She had an over-supply of cockroaches12, but this is also the rule with ships doing business in the summer seas—at least such as have been long in service. Our young captain was a very handsome man, tall and perfectly13 formed, the very figure to show up a smart uniform’s finest effects. He was a man of the best intentions and was polite and courteous14 even to courtliness. There was a soft and grace and finish about his manners which made whatever place he happened to be in seem for the moment a drawing room. He avoided the smoking room. He had no vices15. He did not smoke or chew tobacco or take snuff; he did not swear, or use slang or rude, or coarse, or indelicate language, or make puns, or tell anecdotes16, or laugh intemperately17, or raise his voice above the moderate pitch enjoined18 by the canons of good form. When he gave an order, his manner modified it into a request. After dinner he and his officers joined the ladies and gentlemen in the ladies’ saloon, and shared in the singing and piano playing, and helped turn the music. He had a sweet and sympathetic tenor19 voice, and used it with taste and effect. After the music he played whist there, always with the same partner and opponents, until the ladies’ bedtime. The electric lights burned there as late as the ladies and their friends might desire; but they were not allowed to burn in the smoking-room after eleven. There were many laws on the ship’s statute20 book of course; but so far as I could see, this and one other were the only ones that were rigidly21 enforced. The captain explained that he enforced this one because his own cabin adjoined the smoking-room, and the smell of tobacco smoke made him sick. I did not see how our smoke could reach him, for the smoking-room and his cabin were on the upper deck, targets for all the winds that blew; and besides there was no crack of communication between them, no opening of any sort in the solid intervening bulkhead. Still, to a delicate stomach even imaginary smoke can convey damage.
The captain, with his gentle nature, his polish, his sweetness, his moral and verbal purity, seemed pathetically out of place in his rude and autocratic vocation22. It seemed another instance of the irony23 of fate.
He was going home under a cloud. The passengers knew about his trouble, and were sorry for him. Approaching Vancouver through a narrow and difficult passage densely24 befogged with smoke from the forest fires, he had had the ill-luck to lose his bearings and get his ship on the rocks. A matter like this would rank merely as an error with you and me; it ranks as a crime with the directors of steamship26 companies. The captain had been tried by the Admiralty Court at Vancouver, and its verdict had acquitted27 him of blame. But that was insufficient28 comfort. A sterner court would examine the case in Sydney—the Court of Directors, the lords of a company in whose ships the captain had served as mate a number of years. This was his first voyage as captain.
The officers of our ship were hearty29 and companionable young men, and they entered into the general amusements and helped the passengers pass the time. Voyages in the Pacific and Indian Oceans are but pleasure excursions for all hands. Our purser was a young Scotchman who was equipped with a grit30 that was remarkable31. He was an invalid32, and looked it, as far as his body was concerned, but illness could not subdue33 his spirit. He was full of life, and had a gay and capable tongue. To all appearances he was a sick man without being aware of it, for he did not talk about his ailments34, and his bearing and conduct were those of a person in robust35 health; yet he was the prey36, at intervals37, of ghastly sieges of pain in his heart. These lasted many hours, and while the attack continued he could neither sit nor lie. In one instance he stood on his feet twenty-four hours fighting for his life with these sharp agonies, and yet was as full of life and cheer and activity the next day as if nothing had happened.
The brightest passenger in the ship, and the most interesting and felicitous38 talker, was a young Canadian who was not able to let the whisky bottle alone. He was of a rich and powerful family, and could have had a distinguished39 career and abundance of effective help toward it if he could have conquered his appetite for drink; but he could not do it, so his great equipment of talent was of no use to him. He had often taken the pledge to drink no more, and was a good sample of what that sort of unwisdom can do for a man—for a man with anything short of an iron will. The system is wrong in two ways: it does not strike at the root of the trouble, for one thing, and to make a pledge of any kind is to declare war against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is always clanking and reminding the wearer of it that he is not a free man.
I have said that the system does not strike at the root of the trouble, and I venture to repeat that. The root is not the drinking, but the desire to drink. These are very different things. The one merely requires will—and a great deal of it, both as to bulk and staying capacity—the other merely requires watchfulness—and for no long time. The desire of course precedes the act, and should have one’s first attention; it can do but little good to refuse the act over and over again, always leaving the desire unmolested, unconquered; the desire will continue to assert itself, and will be almost sure to win in the long run. When the desire intrudes40, it should be at once banished41 out of the mind. One should be on the watch for it all the time—otherwise it will get in. It must be taken in time and not allowed to get a lodgment. A desire constantly repulsed42 for a fortnight should die, then. That should cure the drinking habit. The system of refusing the mere25 act of drinking, and leaving the desire in full force, is unintelligent war tactics, it seems to me. I used to take pledges—and soon violate them. My will was not strong, and I could not help it. And then, to be tied in any way naturally irks an otherwise free person and makes him chafe43 in his bonds and want to get his liberty. But when I finally ceased from taking definite pledges, and merely resolved that I would kill an injurious desire, but leave myself free to resume the desire and the habit whenever I should choose to do so, I had no more trouble. In five days I drove out the desire to smoke and was not obliged to keep watch after that; and I never experienced any strong desire to smoke again. At the end of a year and a quarter of idleness I began to write a book, and presently found that the pen was strangely reluctant to go. I tried a smoke to see if that would help me out of the difficulty. It did. I smoked eight or ten cigars and as many pipes a day for five months; finished the book, and did not smoke again until a year had gone by and another book had to be begun.
I can quit any of my nineteen injurious habits at any time, and without discomfort44 or inconvenience. I think that the Dr. Tanners and those others who go forty days without eating do it by resolutely45 keeping out the desire to eat, in the beginning, and that after a few hours the desire is discouraged and comes no more.
Once I tried my scheme in a large medical way. I had been confined to my bed several days with lumbago. My case refused to improve. Finally the doctor said,—
“My remedies have no fair chance. Consider what they have to fight, besides the lumbago. You smoke extravagantly47, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You take coffee immoderately?”
“Yes.”
“And some tea?”
“Yes.”
“You eat all kinds of things that are dissatisfied with each other’s company?”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Very well, there you see what I have to contend against. We can’t make progress the way the matter stands. You must make a reduction in these things; you must cut down your consumption of them considerably49 for some days.”
“I can’t, doctor.”
“Why can’t you.”
He said that that would answer, and said he would come around in twenty-four hours and begin work again. He was taken ill himself and could not come; but I did not need him. I cut off all those things for two days and nights; in fact, I cut off all kinds of food, too, and all drinks except water, and at the end of the forty-eight hours the lumbago was discouraged and left me. I was a well man; so I gave thanks and took to those delicacies51 again.
It seemed a valuable medical course, and I recommended it to a lady. She had run down and down and down, and had at last reached a point where medicines no longer had any helpful effect upon her. I said I knew I could put her upon her feet in a week. It brightened her up, it filled her with hope, and she said she would do everything I told her to do. So I said she must stop swearing and drinking, and smoking and eating for four days, and then she would be all right again. And it would have happened just so, I know it; but she said she could not stop swearing, and smoking, and drinking, because she had never done those things. So there it was. She had neglected her habits, and hadn’t any. Now that they would have come good, there were none in stock. She had nothing to fall back on. She was a sinking vessel52, with no freight in her to throw overbpard and lighten ship withal. Why, even one or two little bad habits could have saved her, but she was just a moral pauper53. When she could have acquired them she was dissuaded54 by her parents, who were ignorant people though reared in the best society, and it was too late to begin now. It seemed such a pity; but there was no help for it. These things ought to be attended to while a person is young; otherwise, when age and disease come, there is nothing effectual to fight them with.
When I was a youth I used to take all kinds of pledges, and do my best to keep them, but I never could, because I didn’t strike at the root of the habit—the desire; I generally broke down within the month. Once I tried limiting a habit. That worked tolerably well for a while. I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious55 time with it. But desire persecuted56 me every day and all day long; so, within the week I found myself hunting for larger cigars than I had been used to smoke; then larger ones still, and still larger ones. Within the fortnight I was getting cigars made for me—on a yet larger pattern. They still grew and grew in size. Within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions that I could have used it as a crutch57. It now seemed to me that a one-cigar limit was no real protection to a person, so I knocked my pledge on the head and resumed my liberty.
To go back to that young Canadian. He was a “remittance58 man,” the first one I had ever seen or heard of. Passengers explained the term to me. They said that dissipated ne’er-do-wells belonging to important families in England and Canada were not cast off by their people while there was any hope of reforming them, but when that last hope perished at last, the ne’er-do-well was sent abroad to get him out of the way. He was shipped off with just enough money in his pocket—no, in the purser’s pocket—for the needs of the voyage—and when he reached his destined59 port he would find a remittance awaiting him there. Not a large one, but just enough to keep him a month. A similar remittance would come monthly thereafter. It was the remittance-man’s custom to pay his month’s board and lodging60 straightway—a duty which his landlord did not allow him to forget—then spree away the rest of his money in a single night, then brood and mope and grieve in idleness till the next remittance came. It is a pathetic life.
We had other remittance-men on board, it was said. At least they said they were R. M.’s. There were two. But they did not resemble the Canadian; they lacked his tidiness, and his brains, and his gentlemanly ways, and his resolute46 spirit, and his humanities and generosities61. One of them was a lad of nineteen or twenty, and he was a good deal of a ruin, as to clothes, and morals, and general aspect. He said he was a scion62 of a ducal house in England, and had been shipped to Canada for the house’s relief, that he had fallen into trouble there, and was now being shipped to Australia. He said he had no title. Beyond this remark he was economical of the truth. The first thing he did in Australia was to get into the lockup, and the next thing he did was to proclaim himself an earl in the police court in the morning and fail to prove it.
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1
westward
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| n.西方，西部；adj.西方的，向西的；adv.向西 | |
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suffocatingly
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| 令人窒息地 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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rippled
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| 使泛起涟漪（ripple的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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enticing
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| adj.迷人的；诱人的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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distressful
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| adj.苦难重重的，不幸的，使苦恼的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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ply
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| v.(搬运工等)等候顾客，弯曲 | |
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cockroaches
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| n.蟑螂( cockroach的名词复数 ) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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14
courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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15
vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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anecdotes
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| n.掌故，趣闻，轶事( anecdote的名词复数 ) | |
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intemperately
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| adv.过度地，无节制地，放纵地 | |
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enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tenor
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| n.男高音（歌手），次中音（乐器），要旨，大意 | |
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20
statute
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| n.成文法，法令，法规；章程，规则，条例 | |
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rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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24
densely
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| ad.密集地；浓厚地 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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steamship
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| n.汽船，轮船 | |
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27
acquitted
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| 宣判…无罪( acquit的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（自己）作出某种表现 | |
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28
insufficient
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| adj.(for，of)不足的，不够的 | |
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29
hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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30
grit
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| n.沙粒，决心，勇气；v.下定决心，咬紧牙关 | |
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31
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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32
invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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subdue
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| vt.制服，使顺从，征服；抑制，克制 | |
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ailments
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| 疾病（尤指慢性病），不适( ailment的名词复数 ) | |
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robust
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| adj.强壮的，强健的，粗野的，需要体力的，浓的 | |
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prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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37
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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38
felicitous
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| adj.恰当的，巧妙的；n.恰当，贴切 | |
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39
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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40
intrudes
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| v.侵入，侵扰，打扰( intrude的第三人称单数 )；把…强加于 | |
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41
banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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42
repulsed
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| v.击退( repulse的过去式和过去分词 )；驳斥；拒绝 | |
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43
chafe
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| v.擦伤；冲洗；惹怒 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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45
resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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47
extravagantly
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| adv.挥霍无度地 | |
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48
scotches
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| n.伤口，刻痕( scotch的名词复数 )；阻止车轮滑动的木块v.阻止( scotch的第三人称单数 )；制止（车轮）转动；弄伤；镇压 | |
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49
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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50
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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51
delicacies
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| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
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52
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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53
pauper
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| n.贫民，被救济者，穷人 | |
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54
dissuaded
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| 劝（某人）勿做某事，劝阻( dissuade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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55
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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56
persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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57
crutch
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| n.T字形拐杖；支持，依靠，精神支柱 | |
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58
remittance
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| n.汇款，寄款，汇兑 | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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generosities
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| n.慷慨( generosity的名词复数 )；大方；宽容；慷慨或宽容的行为 | |
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scion
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| n.嫩芽，子孙 | |
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