—Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
WEDNESDAY, Sept. 11. In this world we often make mistakes of judgment2. We do not as a rule get out of them sound and whole, but sometimes we do. At dinner yesterday evening-present, a mixture of Scotch3, English, American, Canadian, and Australasian folk—a discussion broke out about the pronunciation of certain Scottish words. This was private ground, and the non-Scotch nationalities, with one exception, discreetly4 kept still. But I am not discreet5, and I took a hand. I didn’t know anything about the subject, but I took a hand just to have something to do. At that moment the word in dispute was the word three. One Scotchman was claiming that the peasantry of Scotland pronounced it three, his adversaries6 claimed that they didn’t—that they pronounced it ‘thraw’. The solitary7 Scot was having a sultry time of it, so I thought I would enrich him with my help. In my position I was necessarily quite impartial8, and was equally as well and as ill equipped to fight on the one side as on the other. So I spoke9 up and said the peasantry pronounced the word three, not thraw. It was an error of judgment. There was a moment of astonished and ominous10 silence, then weather ensued. The storm rose and spread in a surprising way, and I was snowed under in a very few minutes. It was a bad defeat for me—a kind of Waterloo. It promised to remain so, and I wished I had had better sense than to enter upon such a forlorn enterprise. But just then I had a saving thought—at least a thought that offered a chance. While the storm was still raging, I made up a Scotch couplet, and then spoke up and said:
“Very well, don’t say any more. I confess defeat. I thought I knew, but I see my mistake. I was deceived by one of your Scotch poets.”
“A Scotch poet! O come! Name him.”
“Robert Burns.”
It is wonderful the power of that name. These men looked doubtful—but paralyzed, all the same. They were quite silent for a moment; then one of them said—with the reverence11 in his voice which is always present in a Scotchman’s tone when he utters the name.
“Does Robbie Burns say—what does he say?”
“This is what he says:
‘There were nae bairns but only three—
Ane at the breast, twa at the knee.’”
It ended the discussion. There was no man there profane12 enough, disloyal enough, to say any word against a thing which Robert Burns had settled. I shall always honor that great name for the salvation13 it brought me in this time of my sore need.
It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation14, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a superstition15; there are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.
We are moving steadily16 southward-getting further and further down under the projecting paunch of the globe. Yesterday evening we saw the Big Dipper and the north star sink below the horizon and disappear from our world. No, not “we,” but they. They saw it—somebody saw it—and told me about it. But it is no matter, I was not caring for those things, I am tired of them, any way. I think they are well enough, but one doesn’t want them always hanging around. My interest was all in the Southern Cross. I had never seen that. I had heard about it all my life, and it was but natural that I should be burning to see it. No other constellation17 makes so much talk. I had nothing against the Big Dipper—and naturally couldn’t have anything against it, since it is a citizen of our own sky, and the property of the United States—but I did want it to move out of the way and give this foreigner a chance. Judging by the size of the talk which the Southern Cross had made, I supposed it would need a sky all to itself.
But that was a mistake. We saw the Cross to-night, and it is not large. Not large, and not strikingly bright. But it was low down toward the horizon, and it may improve when it gets up higher in the sky. It is ingeniously named, for it looks just as a cross would look if it looked like something else. But that description does not describe; it is too vague, too general, too indefinite. It does after a fashion suggest a cross—a cross that is out of repair—or out of drawing; not correctly shaped. It is long, with a short cross-bar, and the cross-bar is canted out of the straight line.
It consists of four large stars and one little one. The little one is out of line and further damages the shape. It should have been placed at the intersection18 of the stem and the cross-bar. If you do not draw an imaginary line from star to star it does not suggest a cross—nor anything in particular.
One must ignore the little star, and leave it out of the combination—it confuses everything. If you leave it out, then you can make out of the four stars a sort of cross—out of true; or a sort of kite—out of true; or a sort of coffin19-out of true.
Constellations20 have always been troublesome things to name. If you give one of them a fanciful name, it will always refuse to live up to it; it will always persist in not resembling the thing it has been named for. Ultimately, to satisfy the public, the fanciful name has to be discarded for a common-sense one, a manifestly descriptive one. The Great Bear remained the Great Bear—and unrecognizable as such—for thousands of years; and people complained about it all the time, and quite properly; but as soon as it became the property of the United States, Congress changed it to the Big Dipper, and now every body is satisfied, and there is no more talk about riots. I would not change the Southern Cross to the Southern Coffin, I would change it to the Southern Kite; for up there in the general emptiness is the proper home of a kite, but not for coffins21 and crosses and dippers. In a little while, now—I cannot tell exactly how long it will be—the globe will belong to the English-speaking race; and of course the skies also. Then the constellations will be re-organized, and polished up, and re-named—the most of them “Victoria,” I reckon, but this one will sail thereafter as the Southern Kite, or go out of business. Several towns and things, here and there, have been named for Her Majesty22 already.
In these past few days we are plowing23 through a mighty24 Milky25 Way of islands. They are so thick on the map that one would hardly expect to find room between them for a canoe; yet we seldom glimpse one. Once we saw the dim bulk of a couple of them, far away, spectral26 and dreamy things; members of the Horne-Alofa and Fortuna. On the larger one are two rival native kings—and they have a time together. They are Catholics; so are their people. The missionaries27 there are French priests.
From the multitudinous islands in these regions the “recruits” for the Queensland plantations28 were formerly29 drawn30; are still drawn from them, I believe. Vessels31 fitted up like old-time slavers came here and carried off the natives to serve as laborers32 in the great Australian province. In the beginning it was plain, simple man-stealing, as per testimony33 of the missionaries. This has been denied, but not disproven. Afterward34 it was forbidden by law to “recruit” a native without his consent, and governmental agents were sent in all recruiting vessels to see that the law was obeyed—which they did, according to the recruiting people; and which they sometimes didn’t, according to the missionaries. A man could be lawfully35 recruited for a three-years term of service; he could volunteer for another term if he so chose; when his time was up he could return to his island. And would also have the means to do it; for the government required the employer to put money in its hands for this purpose before the recruit was delivered to him.
Captain Wawn was a recruiting ship-master during many years. From his pleasant book one gets the idea that the recruiting business was quite popular with the islanders, as a rule. And yet that did not make the business wholly dull and uninteresting; for one finds rather frequent little breaks in the monotony of it—like this, for instance:
“The afternoon of our arrival at Leper Island the schooner36 was lying almost becalmed under the lee of the lofty central portion of the island, about three-quarters of a mile from the shore. The boats were in sight at some distance. The recruiter-boat had run into a small nook on the rocky coast, under a high bank, above which stood a solitary hut backed by dense37 forest. The government agent and mate in the second boat lay about 400 yards to the westward38.
“Suddenly we heard the sound of firing, followed by yells from the natives on shore, and then we saw the recruiter-boat push out with a seemingly diminished crew. The mate’s boat pulled quickly up, took her in tow, and presently brought her alongside, all her own crew being more or less hurt. It seems the natives had called them into the place on pretence39 of friendship. A crowd gathered about the stern of the boat, and several fellows even got into her. All of a sudden our men were attacked with clubs and tomahawks. The recruiter escaped the first blows aimed at him, making play with his fists until he had an opportunity to draw his revolver. ‘Tom Sayers,’ a Mare40 man, received a tomahawk blow on the head which laid the scalp open but did not penetrate41 his skull42, fortunately. ‘Bobby Towns,’ another Mare boatman, had both his thumbs cut in warding43 off blows, one of them being so nearly severed44 from the hand that the doctors had to finish the operation. Lihu, a Lifu boy, the recruiter’s special attendant, was cut and pricked45 in various places, but nowhere seriously. Jack46, an unlucky Tanna recruit, who had been engaged to act as boatman, received an arrow through his forearm, the head of which—apiece of bone seven or eight inches long—was still in the limb, protruding47 from both sides, when the boats returned. The recruiter himself would have got off scot-free had not an arrow pinned one of his fingers to the loom48 of the steering-oar just as they were getting off. The fight had been short but sharp. The enemy lost two men, both shot dead.”
The truth is, Captain Wawn furnishes such a crowd of instances of fatal encounters between natives and French and English recruiting-crews (for the French are in the business for the plantations of New Caledonia), that one is almost persuaded that recruiting is not thoroughly49 popular among the islanders; else why this bristling50 string of attacks and bloodcurdling slaughter51? The captain lays it all to “Exeter Hall influence.” But for the meddling52 philanthropists, the native fathers and mothers would be fond of seeing their children carted into exile and now and then the grave, instead of weeping about it and trying to kill the kind recruiters.
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1
asteroid
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| n.小行星；海盘车(动物) | |
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2
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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3
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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4
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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6
adversaries
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| n.对手，敌手( adversary的名词复数 ) | |
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7
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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8
impartial
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| adj.(in,to)公正的，无偏见的 | |
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9
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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10
ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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11
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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12
profane
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| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
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13
salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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14
quotation
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| n.引文，引语，语录；报价，牌价，行情 | |
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15
superstition
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| n.迷信，迷信行为 | |
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16
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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17
constellation
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| n.星座n.灿烂的一群 | |
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18
intersection
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| n.交集，十字路口，交叉点；[计算机] 交集 | |
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coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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constellations
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| n.星座( constellation的名词复数 )；一群杰出人物；一系列（相关的想法、事物）；一群（相关的人） | |
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21
coffins
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| n.棺材( coffin的名词复数 )；使某人早亡[死，完蛋，垮台等]之物 | |
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22
majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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23
plowing
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| v.耕( plow的现在分词 )；犁耕；费力穿过 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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25
milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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26
spectral
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| adj.幽灵的，鬼魂的 | |
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27
missionaries
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| n.传教士( missionary的名词复数 ) | |
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28
plantations
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| n.种植园，大农场( plantation的名词复数 ) | |
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29
formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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30
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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31
vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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32
laborers
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| n.体力劳动者，工人( laborer的名词复数 )；（熟练工人的）辅助工 | |
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33
testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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34
afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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35
lawfully
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| adv.守法地，合法地；合理地 | |
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36
schooner
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| n.纵帆船 | |
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37
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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38
westward
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| n.西方，西部；adj.西方的，向西的；adv.向西 | |
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39
pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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40
mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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41
penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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42
skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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43
warding
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| 监护，守护（ward的现在分词形式） | |
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44
severed
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| v.切断，断绝( sever的过去式和过去分词 )；断，裂 | |
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45
pricked
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| 刺，扎，戳( prick的过去式和过去分词 )； 刺伤； 刺痛； 使剧痛 | |
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46
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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47
protruding
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| v.（使某物）伸出，（使某物）突出( protrude的现在分词 )；凸 | |
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48
loom
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| n.织布机，织机；v.隐现，(危险、忧虑等)迫近 | |
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49
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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50
bristling
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| a.竖立的 | |
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51
slaughter
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| n.屠杀，屠宰；vt.屠杀，宰杀 | |
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52
meddling
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| v.干涉，干预（他人事务）( meddle的现在分词 ) | |
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