But it is time to get at my subject. As soon as I heard of the late fiery10 outbreak between M. Gambetta and M. Fourtou in the French Assembly, I knew that trouble must follow. I knew it because a long personal friendship with M. Gambetta revealed to me the desperate and implacable nature of the man. Vast as are his physical proportions, I knew that the thirst for revenge would penetrate12 to the remotest frontiers of his person.
I did not wait for him to call on me, but went at once to him. As I had expected, I found the brave fellow steeped in a profound French calm. I say French calm, because French calmness and English calmness have points of difference.
He was moving swiftly back and forth13 among the debris14 of his furniture, now and then staving chance fragments of it across the room with his foot; grinding a constant grist of curses through his set teeth; and halting every little while to deposit another handful of his hair on the pile which he had been building of it on the table.
He threw his arms around my neck, bent15 me over his stomach to his breast, kissed me on both cheeks, hugged me four or five times, and then placed me in his own arm-chair. As soon as I had got well again, we began business at once.
I said I supposed he would wish me to act as his second, and he said, “Of course.” I said I must be allowed to act under a French name, so that I might be shielded from obloquy16 in my country, in case of fatal results. He winced17 here, probably at the suggestion that dueling was not regarded with respect in America. However, he agreed to my requirement. This accounts for the fact that in all the newspaper reports M. Gambetta’s second was apparently18 a Frenchman.
First, we drew up my principal’s will. I insisted upon this, and stuck to my point. I said I had never heard of a man in his right mind going out to fight a duel without first making his will. He said he had never heard of a man in his right mind doing anything of the kind. When he had finished the will, he wished to proceed to a choice of his “last words.” He wanted to know how the following words, as a dying exclamation19, struck me:
“I die for my God, for my country, for freedom of speech, for progress, and the universal brotherhood20 of man!”
I objected that this would require too lingering a death; it was a good speech for a consumptive, but not suited to the exigencies21 of the field of honor. We wrangled22 over a good many ante-mortem outbursts, but I finally got him to cut his obituary23 down to this, which he copied into his memorandum-book, purposing to get it by heart:
“I DIE THAT FRANCE MIGHT LIVE.”
I said that this remark seemed to lack relevancy; but he said relevancy was a matter of no consequence in last words, what you wanted was thrill.
The next thing in order was the choice of weapons. My principal said he was not feeling well, and would leave that and the other details of the proposed meeting to me. Therefore I wrote the following note and carried it to M. Fourtou’s friend:
Sir: M. Gambetta accepts M. Fourtou’s challenge, and authorizes24 me to propose Plessis-Piquet as the place of meeting; tomorrow morning at daybreak as the time; and axes as the weapons.
I am, sir, with great respect,
Mark Twain.
M. Fourtou’s friend read this note, and shuddered25. Then he turned to me, and said, with a suggestion of severity in his tone:
“Have you considered, sir, what would be the inevitable26 result of such a meeting as this?”
“Well, for instance, what would it be?”
“Bloodshed!”
“That’s about the size of it,” I said. “Now, if it is a fair question, what was your side proposing to shed?”
I had him there. He saw he had made a blunder, so he hastened to explain it away. He said he had spoken jestingly. Then he added that he and his principal would enjoy axes, and indeed prefer them, but such weapons were barred by the French code, and so I must change my proposal.
I walked the floor, turning the thing over in my mind, and finally it occurred to me that Gatling-guns at fifteen paces would be a likely way to get a verdict on the field of honor. So I framed this idea into a proposition.
But it was not accepted. The code was in the way again. I proposed rifles; then double-barreled shotguns; then Colt’s navy revolvers. These being all rejected, I reflected awhile, and sarcastically28 suggested brickbats at three-quarters of a mile. I always hate to fool away a humorous thing on a person who has no perception of humor; and it filled me with bitterness when this man went soberly away to submit the last proposition to his principal.
He came back presently and said his principal was charmed with the idea of brickbats at three-quarters of a mile, but must decline on account of the danger to disinterested29 parties passing between them. Then I said:
“Well, I am at the end of my string, now. Perhaps you would be good enough to suggest a weapon? Perhaps you have even had one in your mind all the time?”
“Oh, without doubt, monsieur!”
So he fell to hunting in his pockets—pocket after pocket, and he had plenty of them—muttering all the while, “Now, what could I have done with them?”
At last he was successful. He fished out of his vest pocket a couple of little things which I carried to the light and ascertained33 to be pistols. They were single-barreled and silver-mounted, and very dainty and pretty. I was not able to speak for emotion. I silently hung one of them on my watch-chain, and returned the other. My companion in crime now unrolled a postage-stamp containing several cartridges34, and gave me one of them. I asked if he meant to signify by this that our men were to be allowed but one shot apiece. He replied that the French code permitted no more. I then begged him to go and suggest a distance, for my mind was growing weak and confused under the strain which had been put upon it. He named sixty-five yards. I nearly lost my patience. I said:
“Sixty-five yards, with these instruments? Squirt-guns would be deadlier at fifty. Consider, my friend, you and I are banded together to destroy life, not make it eternal.”
But with all my persuasions35, all my arguments, I was only able to get him to reduce the distance to thirty-five yards; and even this concession36 he made with reluctance37, and said with a sigh, “I wash my hands of this slaughter38; on your head be it.”
There was nothing for me but to go home to my old lion-heart and tell my humiliating story. When I entered, M. Gambetta was laying his last lock of hair upon the altar. He sprang toward me, exclaiming:
“You have made the fatal arrangements—I see it in your eye!”
“I have.”
His face paled a trifle, and he leaned upon the table for support. He breathed thick and heavily for a moment or two, so tumultuous were his feelings; then he hoarsely39 whispered:
“The weapon, the weapon! Quick! what is the weapon?”
“This!” and I displayed that silver-mounted thing. He cast but one glance at it, then swooned ponderously40 to the floor.
When he came to, he said mournfully:
“The unnatural41 calm to which I have subjected myself has told upon my nerves. But away with weakness! I will confront my fate like a man and a Frenchman.”
He rose to his feet, and assumed an attitude which for sublimity42 has never been approached by man, and has seldom been surpassed by statues. Then he said, in his deep bass43 tones:
“Behold, I am calm, I am ready; reveal to me the distance.”
“Thirty-five yards.” ...
I could not lift him up, of course; but I rolled him over, and poured water down his back. He presently came to, and said:
“Thirty-five yards—without a rest? But why ask? Since murder was that man’s intention, why should he palter with small details? But mark you one thing: in my fall the world shall see how the chivalry44 of France meets death.”
After a long silence he asked:
“Was nothing said about that man’s family standing45 up with him, as an offset46 to my bulk? But no matter; I would not stoop to make such a suggestion; if he is not noble enough to suggest it himself, he is welcome to this advantage, which no honorable man would take.”
He now sank into a sort of stupor47 of reflection, which lasted some minutes; after which he broke silence with:
“Dawn, tomorrow.”
He seemed greatly surprised, and immediately said:
“Insanity! I never heard of such a thing. Nobody is abroad at such an hour.”
“That is the reason I named it. Do you mean to say you want an audience?”
“It is no time to bandy words. I am astonished that M. Fourtou should ever have agreed to so strange an innovation. Go at once and require a later hour.”
I ran downstairs, threw open the front door, and almost plunged49 into the arms of M. Fourtou’s second. He said:
“I have the honor to say that my principal strenuously50 objects to the hour chosen, and begs you will consent to change it to half past nine.”
“Any courtesy, sir, which it is in our power to extend is at the service of your excellent principal. We agree to the proposed change of time.”
“I beg you to accept the thanks of my client.” Then he turned to a person behind him, and said, “You hear, M. Noir, the hour is altered to half past nine.” Whereupon M. Noir bowed, expressed his thanks, and went away. My accomplice51 continued:
“If agreeable to you, your chief surgeons and ours shall proceed to the field in the same carriage as is customary.”
“It is entirely52 agreeable to me, and I am obliged to you for mentioning the surgeons, for I am afraid I should not have thought of them. How many shall I want? I supposed two or three will be enough?”
“Two is the customary number for each party. I refer to ‘chief’ surgeons; but considering the exalted53 positions occupied by our clients, it will be well and decorous that each of us appoint several consulting surgeons, from among the highest in the profession. These will come in their own private carriages. Have you engaged a hearse?"
“Bless my stupidity, I never thought of it! I will attend to it right away. I must seem very ignorant to you; but you must try to overlook that, because I have never had any experience of such a swell54 duel as this before. I have had a good deal to do with duels55 on the Pacific coast, but I see now that they were crude affairs. A hearse—sho! we used to leave the elected lying around loose, and let anybody cord them up and cart them off that wanted to. Have you anything further to suggest?”
“Nothing, except that the head undertakers shall ride together, as is usual. The subordinates and mutes will go on foot, as is also usual. I will see you at eight o’clock in the morning, and we will then arrange the order of the procession. I have the honor to bid you a good day.”
I returned to my client, who said, “Very well; at what hour is the engagement to begin?”
“Half past nine.”
“Very good indeed. Have you sent the fact to the newspapers?”
“Sir! If after our long and intimate friendship you can for a moment deem me capable of so base a treachery—”
“Tut, tut! What words are these, my dear friend? Have I wounded you? Ah, forgive me; I am overloading56 you with labor57. Therefore go on with the other details, and drop this one from your list. The bloody-minded Fourtou will be sure to attend to it. Or I myself—yes, to make certain, I will drop a note to my journalistic friend, M. Noir—”
“Oh, come to think of it, you may save yourself the trouble; that other second has informed M. Noir.”
“H’m! I might have known it. It is just like that Fourtou, who always wants to make a display."
At half past nine in the morning the procession approached the field of Plessis-Piquet in the following order: first came our carriage—nobody in it but M. Gambetta and myself; then a carriage containing M. Fourtou and his second; then a carriage containing two poet-orators58 who did not believe in God, and these had MS. funeral orations59 projecting from their breast pockets; then a carriage containing the head surgeons and their cases of instruments; then eight private carriages containing consulting surgeons; then a hack60 containing a coroner; then the two hearses; then a carriage containing the head undertakers; then a train of assistants and mutes on foot; and after these came plodding61 through the fog a long procession of camp followers62, police, and citizens generally. It was a noble turnout, and would have made a fine display if we had had thinner weather.
There was no conversation. I spoke27 several times to my principal, but I judge he was not aware of it, for he always referred to his note-book and muttered absently, “I die that France might live.”
Arrived on the field, my fellow-second and I paced off the thirty-five yards, and then drew lots for choice of position. This latter was but an ornamental63 ceremony, for all the choices were alike in such weather. These preliminaries being ended, I went to my principal and asked him if he was ready. He spread himself out to his full width, and said in a stern voice, “Ready! Let the batteries be charged.”
The loading process was done in the presence of duly constituted witnesses. We considered it best to perform this delicate service with the assistance of a lantern, on account of the state of the weather. We now placed our men.
At this point the police noticed that the public had massed themselves together on the right and left of the field; they therefore begged a delay, while they should put these poor people in a place of safety.
The request was granted.
The police having ordered the two multitudes to take positions behind the duelists, we were once more ready. The weather growing still more opaque64, it was agreed between myself and the other second that before giving the fatal signal we should each deliver a loud whoop65 to enable the combatants to ascertain32 each other’s whereabouts.
I now returned to my principal, and was distressed66 to observe that he had lost a good deal of his spirit. I tried my best to hearten him. I said, “Indeed, sir, things are not as bad as they seem. Considering the character of the weapons, the limited number of shots allowed, the generous distance, the impenetrable solidity of the fog, and the added fact that one of the combatants is one-eyed and the other cross-eyed and near-sighted, it seems to me that this conflict need not necessarily be fatal. There are chances that both of you may survive. Therefore, cheer up; do not be downhearted.”
This speech had so good an effect that my principal immediately stretched forth his hand and said, “I am myself again; give me the weapon.”
I laid it, all lonely and forlorn, in the center of the vast solitude67 of his palm. He gazed at it and shuddered. And still mournfully contemplating68 it, he murmured in a broken voice:
I heartened him once more, and with such success that he presently said, “Let the tragedy begin. Stand at my back; do not desert me in this solemn hour, my friend.”
I gave him my promise. I now assisted him to point his pistol toward the spot where I judged his adversary70 to be standing, and cautioned him to listen well and further guide himself by my fellow-second’s whoop. Then I propped71 myself against M. Gambetta’s back, and raised a rousing “Whoop-ee!” This was answered from out the far distances of the fog, and I immediately shouted:
“One—two—three—FIRE!”
Two little sounds like spit! spit! broke upon my ear, and in the same instant I was crushed to the earth under a mountain of flesh. Bruised72 as I was, I was still able to catch a faint accent from above, to this effect:
“I die for... for ... perdition take it, what is it I die for? ... oh, yes—France! I die that France may live!”
The surgeons swarmed73 around with their probes in their hands, and applied74 their microscopes to the whole area of M. Gambetta’s person, with the happy result of finding nothing in the nature of a wound. Then a scene ensued which was in every way gratifying and inspiriting.
The two gladiators fell upon each other’s neck, with floods of proud and happy tears; that other second embraced me; the surgeons, the orators, the undertakers, the police, everybody embraced, everybody congratulated, everybody cried, and the whole atmosphere was filled with praise and with joy unspeakable.
It seems to me then that I would rather be a hero of a French duel than a crowned and sceptered monarch8.
When the commotion75 had somewhat subsided76, the body of surgeons held a consultation77, and after a good deal of debate decided78 that with proper care and nursing there was reason to believe that I would survive my injuries. My internal hurts were deemed the most serious, since it was apparent that a broken rib79 had penetrated80 my left lung, and that many of my organs had been pressed out so far to one side or the other of where they belonged, that it was doubtful if they would ever learn to perform their functions in such remote and unaccustomed localities. They then set my left arm in two places, pulled my right hip11 into its socket81 again, and re-elevated my nose. I was an object of great interest, and even admiration82; and many sincere and warm-hearted persons had themselves introduced to me, and said they were proud to know the only man who had been hurt in a French duel in forty years.
I was placed in an ambulance at the very head of the procession; and thus with gratifying ‘eclat I was marched into Paris, the most conspicuous83 figure in that great spectacle, and deposited at the hospital.
The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred upon me. However, few escape that distinction.
I have no complaints to make against any one. I acted for myself, and I can stand the consequences.
Without boasting, I think I may say I am not afraid to stand before a modern French duelist, but as long as I keep in my right mind I will never consent to stand behind one again.
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1
duel
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| n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争 | |
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ridiculed
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| v.嘲笑，嘲弄，奚落( ridicule的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inveterate
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| adj.积习已深的，根深蒂固的 | |
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invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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dueling
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| n. 决斗, 抗争(=duelling) 动词duel的现在分词形式 | |
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draughts
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| n. <英>国际跳棋 | |
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monarchs
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| 君主，帝王( monarch的名词复数 ) | |
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monarch
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| n.帝王，君主，最高统治者 | |
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immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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hip
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| n.臀部，髋；屋脊 | |
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penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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debris
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| n.瓦砾堆，废墟，碎片 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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obloquy
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| n.斥责，大骂 | |
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winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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brotherhood
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| n.兄弟般的关系，手中情谊 | |
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exigencies
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| n.急切需要 | |
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wrangled
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| v.争吵，争论，口角( wrangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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obituary
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| n.讣告，死亡公告；adj.死亡的 | |
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authorizes
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| 授权，批准，委托( authorize的名词复数 ) | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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sarcastically
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| adv.挖苦地，讽刺地 | |
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disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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alacrity
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| n.敏捷，轻快，乐意 | |
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ascertain
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| vt.发现，确定，查明，弄清 | |
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ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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cartridges
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| 子弹( cartridge的名词复数 )； （打印机的）墨盒； 录音带盒； （唱机的）唱头 | |
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persuasions
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| n.劝说，说服（力）( persuasion的名词复数 )；信仰 | |
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concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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slaughter
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| n.屠杀，屠宰；vt.屠杀，宰杀 | |
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hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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ponderously
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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sublimity
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| 崇高，庄严，气质高尚 | |
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bass
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| n.男低音(歌手)；低音乐器；低音大提琴 | |
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chivalry
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| n.骑士气概，侠义；（男人）对女人彬彬有礼，献殷勤 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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offset
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| n.分支，补偿；v.抵消，补偿 | |
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stupor
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| v.昏迷；不省人事 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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strenuously
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| adv.奋发地，费力地 | |
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accomplice
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| n.从犯，帮凶，同谋 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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duels
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| n.两男子的决斗( duel的名词复数 )；竞争，斗争 | |
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overloading
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| 过载，超载，过负载 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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orators
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| n.演说者，演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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orations
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| n.（正式仪式中的）演说，演讲( oration的名词复数 ) | |
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hack
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| n.劈，砍，出租马车；v.劈，砍，干咳 | |
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plodding
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| a.proceeding in a slow or dull way | |
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followers
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| 追随者( follower的名词复数 )； 用户； 契据的附面； 从动件 | |
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ornamental
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| adj.装饰的；作装饰用的；n.装饰品；观赏植物 | |
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opaque
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| adj.不透光的；不反光的，不传导的；晦涩的 | |
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whoop
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| n.大叫，呐喊，喘息声；v.叫喊，喘息 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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69
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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adversary
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| adj.敌手，对手 | |
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propped
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| 支撑，支持，维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的，瘀紫的 | |
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swarmed
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| 密集( swarm的过去式和过去分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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rib
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| n.肋骨，肋状物 | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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socket
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| n.窝，穴，孔，插座，插口 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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