NATURALLY, the question which concerns us is, how the spiritual discoveries made in this new institution in a far-away city of Italy, can be used to benefit our own children, in our own everyday, American family life. It must be stated uncompromisingly, to begin with, that they can be applied1 to our daily lives only if we experience a “change of heart.” The use of the vernacular2 of religion in this connection is not inappropriate, for what we are facing, in these new principles, is a new phase of the religion of humanity. We are simply, at last, to include children in humanity, and since despotism, even the most enlightened varieties of it, has been proved harmful to humanity, we are to abstain3 from being their despots, even their paternal4, wise, and devoted5 despots. This does not mean that they are not to live under some form of government of which we are the head. We have as much right to safeguard their interests against their own weaknesses as society has to safeguard ours, in forbidding grade railways in big cities for instance, but we have no more right than society has to interfere[128] with inoffensive individual tastes, preferences, needs, and, above all, initiative.
At this point I can hear in my mind’s ear a chorus of indignant parents’ voices, crying out that nothing is further from their theory or practice than despotism over the children, and that, so far from ruling their little ones, they are the absolute slaves of their offspring (forgetting that in many cases there is no more despotic master than a slave of old standing). To answer this natural protest I wish here to be allowed a digression for the purpose of attempting a brief analysis of a trait of human egotism, the understanding of which bears closely on this phase of the relations of parent and child. I refer to the instinctive6 pleasure taken by us all in the dependence7 of someone upon us.
This is so closely connected with benevolence8 that it is usually wholly unrecognized as a separate and quite different characteristic. Even when it is seen, it is identified only by those who suffer from it, and any intimation of its existence on their part savors9 so nearly of ingratitude10 that they have not, as a rule, ventured to complain of what is frequently an almost intolerable tyranny. Just as it is the spiteful member of a family who is the only one to blurt11 out home-truths which run counter to the traditional family illusions, so it is only a thoroughly12 bad-tempered13 analyst14, one who takes a malicious15 pleasure in dwelling16 on human meannesses, who can perform[129] the useful function of diagnosing this little suspected, very prevalent, human vice17.
Here is the sardonic18 Hazlitt, derisively19 relieving his mind on the subject of benefactors20. “... Benefits are often conferred out of ostentation21 or pride. As the principle of action is a love of power, the complacency in the object of friendly regard ceases with the opportunity or the necessity for the manifest display of power; and when the unfortunate protégé is just coming to land and expects a last helping22 hand, he is, to his surprise, pushed back in order that he may be saved from drowning once more. You are not haled ashore23 as you had supposed by those kind friends, as a mutual24 triumph, after all your struggles and their exertions25 on your behalf. It is a piece of presumption26 in you to be seen walking on terra firma; you are required at the risk of their friendship to be always swimming in troubled waters that they may have the credit of throwing out ropes and sending out life-boats to you without ever bringing you ashore. The instant you can go alone, or can stand on your own ground, you are discarded.”
Now the majority of us in these piping times of mediocrity have no grounds, fancied or real, for assuming the r?le of tyrannical Providence27 to other people. But the instinct, in spite of the decreased opportunity for its exercise, is none the less alive in our hearts; and when chance throws in our way a little child, our primitive28, instinctive affection for[130] whom confuses in our minds the motives29 underlying30 our pseudo-benevolent actions, do we not wreak31 upon it unconsciously all that latent desire to be depended upon, to be the stronger, to be looked up to, to gloat over the weakness of another?
If this seems an exaggerated statement, consider for a moment the real significance of the feeling expressed by the mothers we have all met, when they cry, “Oh, I can’t bear to have the babies grow up!” and when they refuse to correct the pretty, lisping, inarticulate baby talk. I have been one of those mothers myself, and I certainly would have regarded as malicious and spiteful any person who had told me that my feelings sprang from almost unadulterated egotism, and that I “couldn’t bear to have the babies grow up” because I wanted to continue longer in my complacent32, self-assumed r?le of God, that I wished to be surrounded by little sycophants33 who, knowing no standard but my personality, could not judge me as anything but infallible, and that I was wilfully34 keeping the children granted me by a kind Heaven as weak and dependent on me as possible that they might continue to secrete35 more food for my egotism.
What I now see to be a plain statement of the ugly truth underlying my sentimental36 reluctance37 to have the babies grow up would have seemed to me the most heartless attack on mother-love. It now occurs to me that mother-love should be something infinitely38 more searching and subtle. Modern[131] society with its enforced drains and vaccinations39 and milk inspection40 and pure-food laws does much of the physical protecting which used to fall to the lot of mothers. Our part should not be, like bewildered bees, to live idly on the accumulation of virtues41 achieved for us by the hard won battles of our ancestors against their lower physical instincts; but to catch up the standard and advance into the harder battle against the hidden, treacherous43 ambushes44 of egotism, to conceive a new, high devotion for our children, a devotion which has in it courage for them as well as care for them; which is made up of faith in their better, stronger natures, as well as love for them, and which begins by the ruthless slaughter45, so far as we can reach it, of the selfishness which makes us take pleasure in their dependence on us, rather than in seeing them grow (even though it may mean away from us) in the ability wisely to regulate their own lives. We must take care that we mothers do not treat our children as we reproach men for having treated women, with patronizing, enfeebling protection. We must learn to wish, above all things, to see the babies grow up since there is no condition (for any creature not a baby) more revolting than babyishness, just as there is no state more humiliating (for any but a child) than childishness. Let us learn to be ashamed of our too imperious care, which deprives them of every chance for action, for self-reliance, for fighting down their own weaknesses, which[132] snatches away from them every opportunity to strengthen themselves by overcoming obstacles. We must learn to see in a little child not only a much-loved little body, informed by a will more or less pliable46 to our own, but a valiant47 spirit, longing48 for the exercise of its own powers, powers which are different from ours, from those of every human being who has ever existed.
There is no danger that in combating this subtle vice, we will fall back into the grosser one of physical tyranny over women, children, or the poor. That step forward has been taken conclusively49. That question has been settled for all time and has been crystallized in popular opinion. We may still tyrannize coarsely over the weak, but we are quite conscious that we are doing something to be ashamed of. We can therefore, without fear of reactionary50 setbacks, devote ourselves to creating a popular consciousness of the sin of moral and intellectual tyranny.
Now all this reasoning has been conducted by means of abstract ideas and big words. It may seem hardly applicable to the relations of an affectionate parent with his three-year-old child. How, practically, concretely, at once, to-day, can we begin to avoid paternal despotism over little children?
To begin with, by giving them the practical training necessary to physical independence of life. Anyone who knows a woman who lived in the South during the old régime must have heard stories of the pathetic, grotesque51 helplessness to which the rich white population[133] was reduced by the presence and personal service of the slaves ... the grown women who could not button their own shoes, the grown men who had never in their lives assembled all the articles necessary for a complete toilet. Dr. Montessori says, “The paralytic52 who cannot take off his boots because of a pathological fact, and the prince who dare not take them off because of a social fact, are in reality reduced to the same condition.” How many mothers whose willing fingers linger lovingly over the buttons and strings53 and hooks and eyes of the little costume are putting themselves in the pernicious attitude of the slave? How many other bustling54, competent, quick-stepping mothers, dressing55 and undressing, washing and feeding and regulating their children, as though they were little automata, because “it’s so much easier to do it for them than to bother to teach them how to do it,” are reducing the little ones to a state of practical paralysis56? As if ease were the aim of a mother in her relations to her child! It would be easier, as far as that is concerned, to eat the child’s meals for it; and a study of the “competent” brand of mother almost leads one to suspect that only the physical impossibility of this substituted activity keeps it from being put into practice. The too loving mother, the one who is too competent, the one who is too wedded57 to the regularity58 of her household routine, the impatient mother, the one who is “no teacher and never can tell anybody how to do things,” all these diverse personalities59, though actuated[134] by quite differing motives, are doing the same thing, unconsciously, benevolently60, overbearingly insisting upon living the child’s life for him.
But it is evident that simply keeping our hands off is not enough. To begin with the process of dressing himself, the first in order of the day’s routine, a child of three, with no training, turned loose with the usual outfit61 of clothes, could never dress himself in the longest day of the year. And here, with a serious problem to be solved, we are back beside the buttoning boy of the Children’s Home. The child must learn how to be independent, as he must learn how to be anything else that is worth being, and the only excuse for existence of a parent is the possibility of his furnishing the means for the child to acquire this information with all speed. Let us take a long look at the buttoning boy over there in Rome and return to our own three-year-old for a more systematic62 survey of his problem, which is none other than the beginning of his emancipation63 from the prison of babyishness. Let him learn the different ways of fastening garments together on the Montessori frames if you have them, or in any other way your ingenuity64 can devise. Old garments of your own, put on a cheap dress form, are not a bad substitute for that part of the Montessori apparatus65, or the large doll suggested on page 115 may serve.
Then apply your mind, difficult as that process is for all of us, to the simplification of the child’s costumes, even if you are led into such an unheard-of[135] innovation as fastening the little waists and dresses up the front. Let me wonder, parenthetically, why children’s clothes should all be fastened at the back? Men manage to protect themselves from the weather on the opposite principle.
Then, finally, give him time to learn and to practise the new process; and time is one of the necessary elements of life most often denied to little children, who always take vastly longer than we do to complete a given process. I am myself a devoted adherent66 of the clock, and cannot endure the formless irregularity of a daily life without fixed67 hours, so that I do not speak without a keen realization68 of the fact that time cannot be granted to little children to live their own lives, without our undergoing considerable inconvenience, no matter how ingeniously we arrange the matter. We must feel a whole-hearted willingness to forego a superfluity in life for the sake of safeguarding an essential of life. When I feel the temptation, into which my impatient temperament69 is constantly leading me, to perform some action for a child which he would better do for himself, because his slowness interferes70 with my household schedule, I bring rigorously to mind the Montessori teacher who did not tuck in the child’s napkin. And I severely71 scrutinize72 the household process, the regularity of which is being upset, to see if that regularity is really worth a check to the child’s growth in self-dependence.
Once in a while it really does seem to me, on[136] mature consideration, that regularity is worth that sacrifice, but so seldom as to be astonishing. One of the few instances is the regularity of the three meals a day. This seems to be an excellent means of inculcating real social feeling in the child, of making him understand the necessity for occasional sacrifices of individual desires to benefit the common weal. One should take care not to neglect or pass over the few genuine opportunities in the life of a little child, when he may feel that in common with the rest of the family he is making a sacrifice which counts for the sake of the common good.
But most other situations yield very different results when analyzed74. For instance, if a child must dress in a cold room it is better for an adult to stuff the little arms and legs into the clothes with all haste, rather than run the risk of chilling the child. But as a rule, if the conditions are really honestly examined, these two alternatives are seen not to be the only ones. He is set perhaps to dress in a cold room because we have a tradition that it is “messy” and “common” to have dressing and undressing going on anywhere except in a bedroom. The question I must then ask myself is no longer, “Is there not danger that the child will take cold if I give him time to dress himself?” but, “Is the ordered respectability of my warm parlor75 worth a check to my child’s normal growth?”
And it is to some such quite unexpected question that one is constantly led by the attempt really to[137] analyze73 the various restrictions76 we put upon the child’s freedom to live his own life. These restrictions multiply in such a perverse78 ratio with the material prosperity and conventionality of our lives that it is a truism that the children of the very poor fare better than ours in the opportunities offered them for the development of self-reliance, self-control, and independence, almost the most valuable outfit for the battle of life a human being can have.
It is impossible, of course, to consider here all the processes of the child’s day in as minute detail as this question of his morning toilet. But the same procedure of “hands off” should be followed, because help that is not positively79 necessary is a hindrance80 to a growing organism. It is well to put strings for your vines to climb up, but it does them no good to have you try to “help” them by pulling on the tips of the tendrils. The little child should be allowed time to wash his own face and hands, to brush his teeth, and to feed himself, although it would be quicker to continue our Strasbourg goose tradition of stuffing him ourselves. He should, as soon as possible, learn to put on and take off his own wraps, hat, and rubbers. He should carry his own playthings, should learn to open and shut doors, go up and down stairs freely, hang up his own clothes (hooks placed low must not be forgotten), and look himself for articles he has misplaced.
Adults who, for the first time, try this régime with little children are astonished to find that it is[138] not the patience of the little child, but their own, which is inadequate81. A child (if he is young enough not to have acquired the invalid’s habit of being waited upon) will persevere82 unendingly through a series of grotesquely83 awkward attempts, for instance, to climb upon an adult’s chair. The sight of this laborious84 attempt to accomplish a perfectly85 easy feat86 reduces his quick-stepping, competent mother to nervous fidgets, requiring all her self-control to resist. She is almost irresistibly87 driven to rushing forward and lifting him up. If she does, she is very apt to see him slide to the floor and begin all over again. It is not elevation88 to the chair which he desires. It is the capacity to attain89 it himself, unaided, which is his goal, a goal like all others in his life which his mother cannot reach for him.
And if all this sounds too troublesome and complicated, let it be remembered that the Children’s Home looms90 close at hand, ominously91 ready to devote itself to making conditions exactly right for the child’s growth, never impatient, with no other aim in life and no other occupation but to do what is best for the child. If we are to be allowed to keep our children with us, we must prove worthy92 the sacred trust.
Materials for Teaching Rough and Smooth.
Copyright 1912, by Carl R. Byoir
For, practically, the highly successful existence of the Casa dei Bambini, keeping the children as it does all day, takes for granted that the average parent cannot or will not make the average home into a place really suited for the development of[139] small children. It is visibly apparent that, as far as physical surroundings are concerned, he is Gulliver struggling with the conditions of Brobdingnag. He eats his meals from a table as high for him as the mantelpiece would be for us, he climbs up and down stairs with the painful effort we expend93 on the ascent94 of the Pyramids, he gets into an armchair as we would climb into a tree, and he can no more alter the position of it than we could that of the tree.
As for the conduct of life, he is considered “naughty” if he interferes with adult occupations, which, going on all about him all the time and being entirely95 incomprehensible to him, are very difficult to avoid; and he is “good” like the “good Indian” according to the degree of his silent passivity. When we return after a brief absence and inquire of a little child, “Have you been a good child?” do we not mean simply, “Have you been as little inconvenient96 as possible to your elders?” To most of us who are honest with ourselves it comes as rather a surprise that this standard of virtue42 should not be the natural and inevitable97 one.
I leave to the last chapter the question, a most searching and painful one for me, as to whether the Casa dei Bambini will not ultimately be the Home for all our children, and here confine myself to the statement, which no unprejudiced mind can deny, that such an institution, arranged as it has been with the most single-hearted desire to further the children’s interests, is now better adapted for child-life[140] than our average homes, into which children may be welcomed lovingly, but which are adapted in every detail of their material, intellectual, and spiritual life for adults only. It is my firm conviction that, in my own case, a working compromise may be effected, thanks to my alarmed jealousy98 of the greater perfection of the Montessori Children’s Home; but I realize that it required the alarming sight and study of that institution to make me see that I was forcing my children to live under a great many unnecessary restrictions. And, if there is one thing above all others to be kept in mind by a convert to these new ideas it is that an unnecessary restriction77 in a child’s life is a crime. The most puritanical99 soul among us must see that there are quite enough necessary restrictions for the child, if they are all recognized and rigorously obeyed, to serve as disciplinary forces to the most turbulent nature.
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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vernacular
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| adj.地方的，用地方语写成的；n.白话；行话；本国语；动植物的俗名 | |
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abstain
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| v.自制，戒绝，弃权，避免 | |
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paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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savors
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| v.意味，带有…的性质( savor的第三人称单数 )；给…加调味品；使有风味；品尝 | |
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ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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blurt
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| vt.突然说出，脱口说出 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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bad-tempered
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| adj.脾气坏的 | |
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analyst
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| n.分析家，化验员；心理分析学家 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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sardonic
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| adj.嘲笑的，冷笑的，讥讽的 | |
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derisively
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| adv. 嘲笑地，嘲弄地 | |
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benefactors
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| n.捐助者，施主( benefactor的名词复数 )；恩人 | |
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ostentation
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| n.夸耀，卖弄 | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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exertions
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| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
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presumption
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| n.推测，可能性，冒昧，放肆，[法律]推定 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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underlying
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| adj.在下面的，含蓄的，潜在的 | |
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wreak
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| v.发泄；报复 | |
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complacent
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| adj.自满的；自鸣得意的 | |
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sycophants
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| n.谄媚者，拍马屁者( sycophant的名词复数 ) | |
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wilfully
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| adv.任性固执地；蓄意地 | |
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secrete
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| vt.分泌；隐匿，使隐秘 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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vaccinations
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| n.种痘，接种( vaccination的名词复数 )；牛痘疤 | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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treacherous
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| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
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ambushes
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| n.埋伏( ambush的名词复数 )；伏击；埋伏着的人；设埋伏点v.埋伏( ambush的第三人称单数 )；埋伏着 | |
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slaughter
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| n.屠杀，屠宰；vt.屠杀，宰杀 | |
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pliable
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| adj.易受影响的；易弯的；柔顺的，易驾驭的 | |
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valiant
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| adj.勇敢的，英勇的；n.勇士，勇敢的人 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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conclusively
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| adv.令人信服地，确凿地 | |
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reactionary
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| n.反动者，反动主义者；adj.反动的，反动主义的，反对改革的 | |
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grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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paralytic
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| adj. 瘫痪的 n. 瘫痪病人 | |
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strings
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| n.弦 | |
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bustling
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| adj.喧闹的 | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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paralysis
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| n.麻痹(症)；瘫痪(症) | |
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wedded
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| adj.正式结婚的；渴望…的，执著于…的v.嫁，娶，（与…）结婚( wed的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
regularity
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| n.规律性，规则性；匀称，整齐 | |
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personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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benevolently
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| adv.仁慈地，行善地 | |
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outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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systematic
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| adj.有系统的，有计划的，有方法的 | |
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emancipation
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| n.（从束缚、支配下）解放 | |
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ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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adherent
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| n.信徒，追随者，拥护者 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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interferes
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| vi. 妨碍，冲突，干涉 | |
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severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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scrutinize
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| n.详细检查，细读 | |
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analyze
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| vt.分析，解析 (=analyse) | |
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analyzed
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| v.分析( analyze的过去式和过去分词 )；分解；解释；对…进行心理分析 | |
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parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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restrictions
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| 约束( restriction的名词复数 )； 管制； 制约因素； 带限制性的条件（或规则） | |
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restriction
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| n.限制，约束 | |
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perverse
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| adj.刚愎的；坚持错误的，行为反常的 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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hindrance
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| n.妨碍，障碍 | |
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inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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persevere
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| v.坚持，坚忍，不屈不挠 | |
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grotesquely
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| adv. 奇异地,荒诞地 | |
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laborious
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| adj.吃力的，努力的，不流畅 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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irresistibly
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| adv.无法抵抗地，不能自持地；极为诱惑人地 | |
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elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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looms
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| n.织布机( loom的名词复数 )v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的第三人称单数 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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ominously
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| adv.恶兆地，不吉利地；预示地 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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expend
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| vt.花费，消费，消耗 | |
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ascent
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| n.(声望或地位)提高；上升，升高；登高 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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inconvenient
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| adj.不方便的，令人感到麻烦的 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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puritanical
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| adj.极端拘谨的；道德严格的 | |
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