While marriage, regardless of whatever form it may assume, has always been mentioned in this book as unavoidably related to love, we must not blink the fact that marriage and love are two absolutely different things forced into frequent association by social and economic necessity.
Love is an involuntary and compulsory1 craving2 which draws a male and a female into the closest possible union for the purpose of mutual3 sexual gratification, generally followed by conception and reproduction.
Marriage a Compromise. Marriage on the other hand is merely a compromise between the positive individual cravings which demand the most complete and frequent gratification of the love urge, regardless of its consequences, and the negative feeling which causes the community to shirk all possible responsibilities incurred4 by the individual,[Pg 316] among others, the support of pregnant or lactating females and of helpless infants.
Unless the community owns mother and child and can exploit their labor5 or receive their cash value (slavery system), it demands that their owner, the impregnator of the woman and procreator of the child, supply food and shelter for both.
Marriage is also a compromise between two individual cravings which may not be synchronised, as the male's desire for the female may subside6 before her desire for him does, or reciprocally.
Through the institution of marriage the community protects itself against new burdens directly by penalties (sentences against wife deserters or those who abandon children) and indirectly7 by protecting the mates against their own cravings for whose duration they are not responsible (laws against bigamy or adultery, etc.).
Considering the Artificial Character of the Marriage union, and at the same time the psychological importance of its durability8 as far as the mental health of the off-spring is concerned, one of the most pressing duties of the community (and one which it never performs), should be to devise all the possible ways and means whereby the sex crav[Pg 317]ings of both mates could be helped to retain their freshness and strength as long as possible.
Attractiveness an Asset. The first thought which should be forced into the minds of modern men and women is that attractiveness is a positive asset not only to woman but to man. In classic Greece, a man could not be merely good, he had to be beautiful too. By "good" the Greek meant "fit" but in the compound word which implied both qualities, kalos, beauty came first.
Cravings being awakened9 and kept alive by certain fetishes, the individual should be trained to recognize his and his mate's fetishism and to make all possible efforts to retain, if necessary by artificial means, the fetishes which lead to the awakening11 of erotism between him and his mate.
The Average Man or Woman of Forty is a Sorry Sight. Yet a little intelligence would compel them to retain or regain12 the physical idiosyncrasies they exhibited at the time of their marriage.
Too many women consider it sinful to devote much time to their physical appearance and the care of their body. In a man, any attempt to make himself attractive is considered in stupid middle-class circles as a stigma13 of effeminacy.
[Pg 318]
The "pretty" man has always been despised by men and women, and endocrinology has confirmed their judgment14 by revealing to us that he is a glandular15 weakling. Between the pretty man and the attractive man, however, there is a far cry.
While the American movies, generally speaking, are catering16 to the weak-minded and the unimaginative, they have, in their search for a bait where-with to catch audiences, rendered mankind a signal service by starring the kind of man which would have passed muster18 in ancient Greece, beautiful and fit.
Athletic19, if not Acrobatic, Movie Idols20 present to the female part of the audience a complex of physical qualities which women will gradually demand from their mates. It is regrettable that women should not attend prize fights in large numbers, for the sight of the godlike participants in those affrays would force them to institute enlightening comparisons between professional fighters and the average male.
Besides retaining or regaining21 their fetishes, human beings should make a special effort not to let those fetishes lose their power.
The Worst Foe22 of Married Happiness. Balzac in his "Physiology23 of Marriage" says that the[Pg 319] married have to wage a constant fight with a monster which devours24 everything: Habit. Every stimulus25, as we know, pleasant or unpleasant, loses its power when applied26 continuously or too frequently.
It is only for the first minute or so that the ice cold shower causes our naked skin to tingle27 with excitement. As soon as the reaction sets in and the capillaries28 fill with red blood, the pleasant sensation of the water needles becomes dulled.
After holding our hand for a minute in hot water, we no longer realise the high temperature of the liquid and in order to continue to experience the feeling of heat we must continually raise the temperature of the water.
And likewise we may grow so accustomed to one source of erotic stimulation29 that we become indifferent to it.
Friendship May Survive the Death of Sexual Love, provided the sex desire has died in both mates at the same time. When desire dies off in the wife first and is not replaced by aversion, the situation may be very simple for she can still satisfy her more ardent30 mate and derive31 some gratification therefrom.
When the man's desire dies first, on the other[Pg 320] hand, there may arise unpleasant complications. A man may be impotent with a woman whom he loves tenderly but no longer desires sexually and yet be potent32 with some other woman to whom he is not completely "accustomed."
Jealousy33 on the part of the wife may then prevent the advent34 of the platonic35 friendship which is not uncommon36 between old married mates, altho Montaigne denies the possibility of its existence.
Modern mates, conscious of that danger, have now and then devised ways and means to combat Balzac's monster.
Not so long ago a well-known woman writer announced that she was planning to marry a certain man with whom, however, she did not intend to live day after day. The experiment has many chances of success if jealousy does not complicate37 the situation.
I suggested to reporters last summer, when two famous artists parted company, that their union might have been of longer duration if one of them had lived at the Plaza38 while the other was stopping at the St. Regis.
[Pg 321]
Married People Should Separate for Periods of Variable Duration in order that a fresh stimulation may emanate39 from their fetishes when they meet again. By leading more individual lives and having separate sets of friends, they would, besides, bring to each other a new sort of mental pabulum and stimulation day after day. Conversation becomes futile40 and unnecessary between a husband and wife who always pay and receive calls together, attend the same spectacles and hence always see the same side of life. Now and then we read of couples who separate and a few years later remarry. Those few years spent apart from each other mean for both new experiences which enrich their mind and their conversation and make them again interesting to each other.
The Play Function of Love. Another factor which the monstrous41 hypocrisy42 of puritanism makes very difficult to discuss openly and honestly and which wrecks43 many promising44 unions is the ignorance, more common than we suspect among married couples, of what Maurice Parmelee in his "Personality and Behavior" has called the Play Function of Love, a term which has been given a broader meaning by Havelock Ellis in an article for the Medical Review of Reviews for March 1921.
The average man or woman is tragically45 ignorant of the mission of sex.
The average man, as Ellis writes, has two aims:[Pg 322] "to prove that he is a man and to relieve a sexual tension.
"He too often considers himself, from traditional habits, as the active partner in love and his own pleasure as the prime motive46 of the sex communion.
"His wife, naturally adopts the complementary attitude, regards herself as the passive partner and her pleasure as negligible.
"She has not mastered the art of love, with the result that her whole nature remains47 ill-developed and unharmonized, and that she is incapable48 of bringing her personality (having indeed no achieved personality to bring) to bear effectively on the problems of society and the world around her."
I have described in "Sex Happiness" the tragedies which result from that form of ignorance, especially the tragedy of the unsatisfied wife, her restlessness, her gradual dislike of her mate, her curiosity as to what feelings she might experience if married to another man, when some other man seems to awaken10 her erotism, and then the dilemma49, repression50 leading to neurosis, or indulgence leading into the divorce court.
[Pg 323]
Psychoanalysis to the Rescue. "In this matter," Ellis writes, "we may learn a lesson from the psychoanalysts of today without any implication that psychoanalysis is necessarily a desirable or even possible way of attaining51 the revelation of love. The wiser psychoanalysts insist that the process of liberating53 the individual from outer and inner influences that repress or deform54 his energies and impulses is effected by removing the inhibitions on the free play of his nature.
"It is a process of education in the true sense, not of the suppression of natural impulses nor even of the instillation55 of sound rules and maxims56 for their control, not of the pressing in but of the leading out of the individual's special tendencies.
"It removes inhibitions, even inhibitions that were placed upon the individual, or that he consciously or unconsciously placed upon himself, with the best moral intentions, and by so doing it allows a larger and freer and more natively spontaneous morality to come into play.
"It has this influence above all in the sphere of sex, where such inhibitions have been most powerfully laid on the native impulses, where the natural tendencies have been most surrounded by taboos57 and terrors, most tinged58 with artificial stains of impurity59 and degradation60 derived61 from alien and antiquated62 traditions.
[Pg 324]
"Thus the therapeutical63 experience of the psychoanalysts reinforce the lessons we learn from physiology and psychology64 and the intimate experiences of life."
Wounded Egotism. Love in marriage is endangered from another quarter: The greatest foe of sexual desire, as I have stated several times in this book, is wounded egotism.
A perfect matrimonial adjustment does not mean the modification66 of either mate's personality. We have seen in the chapters on glands67 that the normal personality is practically inadaptable, that is, nothing short of serious sickness or a surgical69 operation can transform an active person into a sluggish70 one and vice17 versa.
It is only the neurotic71 personality which can be adapted by the removal of certain unconscious fears which prevent it from attaining social and biological balance and happiness.
All psychoanalysis does in such cases is to teach the patient to accept everything which is biologically normal in his personality.
We must then have an absolute respect for personality in ourselves and others. We must find a socially acceptable outlet72 for all our idiosyncrasies, a difficult, but never impossible task.
[Pg 325]
Lack of an outlet means a neurotic disturbance73. The so-called adaptable68 people are those who succeed in repressing temporarily their cravings and denying their existence, a result which they attain52 at the cost of much suffering to themselves and, indirectly, to their environment.
Democracy in the Home is the prerequisite74 of every perfect matrimonial adjustment.
The autocratic government of the home by a male bully75 of a female nag76 leads to either a revolution (divorce) or to the destruction of human material after a bitter strife77, (neurotic ailments).
The bullied78 wife and the henpecked husband fill the offices of neurologists, gynaecologists, psychoanalysts and sexologists. This is the way in which the wounded ego65 of the defeated mate avenges79 itself.
The defeated mate becomes sexually disabled.
The results of maladjustment of the mates are strikingly summed up by Kempf in his monumental work "Psychopathology":
[Pg 326]
"Upon marriage a subtle if not overt80 struggle occurs between the mates for the dominant81 position in the contract. The big, aggressive wife and the timid, little husband attest82 to the importance of organic superiority in the adjustment, but the average marriage does not show such organic differences. The sadistic83 or masochistic husband and the masochistic or sadistic wife will certainly adjust to please their reciprocating84 cravings, no matter what influence this may have upon their children, and a sadistic wife and sadistic husband, although both are cruel in their pleasures, will divorce each other on the charge of the other being cruel; but it is the commonplace adjustment which interests us most, because it is most predominant.
"Nature places an unerring punishment upon the woman, who, by incessantly85 using every whim86, scheme or artifice87, finally succeeds in dominating her husband. By forcing him to submit to her thousand and one demands and coercions, within a few years, he unconsciously becomes a submissive type and loses his sexual potency88 with her as the love-object. If he does not have secret love interests which stimulate89 him to strive for power, he finally loses his initiative and sexual potency completely and must live always at a commonplace level, the servant of more virile90 men: the counterpart of the subdued91 impotent males of the animal herd93.
"His more aggressive, selfish mate, if periodically heterosexually erotic, will become neurotic if her moral restraints are insurpassable, or seek a new mate whom she will again attempt to subdue92. Never is she able to realise that her selfishness makes her sexually unattractive. The psychopathologist meets many such women whose husbands have evaded94 domination by secretly depending upon the affections of another more suitably adjusted woman."
[Pg 327]
In "The New Horizon in Love and Life," Mrs. Havelock Ellis writes "It is more than probable that the evolved relationship of the future will be monogamy—but a monogamy wider and more beautiful than the present caricature of it, as the sea is wider and more delicious than a duck pond.
"The lifelong, faithful love of one man for one woman is the exception and not the rule. The law of affinity95 being as subtle and as indefinable as the law of gravitation, we may, by and by, find it worth while to give it its complete opportunity in those realms where it can manifest itself most potently96. We are on the wrong bridge if we imagine that laxity is the easiest way to freedom. The bridge which will bear us must be strong enough to support us while experiments are tried.
"What is the gospel in this matter of sexual emancipation97 for men and women in the new world where love has actually come of age? It is surely the complete economic independence of women. While man is economically free and woman still a slave, either physically98, financially or spiritually, mankind as a whole must act as if blindness, maimness and deafness constituted health.
[Pg 328]
"The complete independence of husband and wife is the gospel of the new era of marriage. This is the actual matter which philosophers, parents, philanthropists and pioneers so often ignore when teaching the new ideals of morality. When a woman is kept by a man she is not a free individuality either as child, wife or mistress. Imagine for a moment a man kept by a woman as women are kept by men and a sense of humor illuminates99 the absurdity100 of the situation between any class of evolved human beings."
As a clever patient of mine whom I regret I cannot mention by name said one day: "married happiness, to be lasting101, requires more than sexual cooperation of both mates, it must resolve itself into cooperative egotism."
The End
The End
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compulsory
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| n.强制的，必修的；规定的，义务的 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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incurred
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| [医]招致的，遭受的； incur的过去式 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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indirectly
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| adv.间接地，不直接了当地 | |
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durability
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| n.经久性，耐用性 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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regain
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| vt.重新获得，收复，恢复 | |
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stigma
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| n.耻辱，污名；(花的)柱头 | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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glandular
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catering
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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muster
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| v.集合，收集，鼓起，激起；n.集合，检阅，集合人员，点名册 | |
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athletic
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| adj.擅长运动的，强健的；活跃的，体格健壮的 | |
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idols
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| 偶像( idol的名词复数 )； 受崇拜的人或物； 受到热爱和崇拜的人或物； 神像 | |
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regaining
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| 复得( regain的现在分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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foe
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physiology
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| n.生理学，生理机能 | |
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devours
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| 吞没( devour的第三人称单数 )； 耗尽； 津津有味地看； 狼吞虎咽地吃光 | |
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stimulus
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applied
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tingle
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| vi.感到刺痛，感到激动；n.刺痛，激动 | |
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capillaries
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stimulation
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| n.刺激，激励，鼓舞 | |
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ardent
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，强烈的，烈性的 | |
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derive
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| v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自 | |
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potent
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| adj.强有力的，有权势的；有效力的 | |
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jealousy
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advent
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platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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uncommon
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complicate
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| vt.使复杂化，使混乱，使难懂 | |
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plaza
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| n.广场，市场 | |
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emanate
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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hypocrisy
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wrecks
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| n.沉船( wreck的名词复数 )；（事故中）遭严重毁坏的汽车（或飞机等）；（身体或精神上）受到严重损伤的人；状况非常糟糕的车辆（或建筑物等）v.毁坏[毁灭]某物( wreck的第三人称单数 )；使（船舶）失事，使遇难，使下沉 | |
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promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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tragically
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motive
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remains
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incapable
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dilemma
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repression
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| n.镇压，抑制，抑压 | |
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attaining
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的现在分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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liberating
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deform
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| vt.损坏…的形状；使变形，使变丑；vi.变形 | |
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instillation
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maxims
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| n.格言，座右铭( maxim的名词复数 ) | |
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taboos
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| 禁忌( taboo的名词复数 )； 忌讳； 戒律； 禁忌的事物（或行为） | |
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tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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impurity
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degradation
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derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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antiquated
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therapeutical
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psychology
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| n.心理，心理学，心理状态 | |
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ego
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| n.自我，自己，自尊 | |
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modification
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| n.修改，改进，缓和，减轻 | |
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glands
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| n.腺( gland的名词复数 ) | |
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adaptable
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| adj.能适应的，适应性强的，可改编的 | |
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surgical
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| adj.外科的，外科医生的，手术上的 | |
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sluggish
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| adj.懒惰的，迟钝的，无精打采的 | |
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neurotic
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| adj.神经病的，神经过敏的；n.神经过敏者，神经病患者 | |
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outlet
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| n.出口/路；销路；批发商店；通风口；发泄 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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prerequisite
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| n.先决条件；adj.作为前提的，必备的 | |
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75
bully
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| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
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nag
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| v.(对…)不停地唠叨；n.爱唠叨的人 | |
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strife
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| n.争吵，冲突，倾轧，竞争 | |
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bullied
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| adj.被欺负了v.恐吓，威逼( bully的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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79
avenges
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| v.为…复仇，报…之仇( avenge的第三人称单数 )；为…报复 | |
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overt
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| adj.公开的，明显的，公然的 | |
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81
dominant
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| adj.支配的，统治的；占优势的；显性的；n.主因，要素，主要的人(或物)；显性基因 | |
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82
attest
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| vt.证明，证实；表明 | |
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83
sadistic
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| adj.虐待狂的 | |
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84
reciprocating
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| adj.往复的；来回的；交替的；摆动的v.报答，酬答( reciprocate的现在分词 )；（机器的部件）直线往复运动 | |
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85
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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86
whim
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| n.一时的兴致，突然的念头；奇想，幻想 | |
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artifice
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| n.妙计，高明的手段；狡诈，诡计 | |
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potency
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| n. 效力，潜能 | |
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89
stimulate
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| vt.刺激，使兴奋；激励，使…振奋 | |
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virile
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| adj.男性的；有男性生殖力的；有男子气概的；强有力的 | |
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91
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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subdue
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| vt.制服，使顺从，征服；抑制，克制 | |
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93
herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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evaded
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| 逃避( evade的过去式和过去分词 )； 避开； 回避； 想不出 | |
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affinity
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| n.亲和力，密切关系 | |
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potently
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emancipation
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| n.（从束缚、支配下）解放 | |
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98
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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99
illuminates
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| v.使明亮( illuminate的第三人称单数 )；照亮；装饰；说明 | |
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100
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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101
lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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