"Thus while Thy several mercies plot
And work on me, now cold, now hot,
The work goes on and slacketh not."
—VAUGHAN.
Willie was away more than ever after this, and I became so bored and lonely that I told him that I must join him in London if he meant to be there so much. He then proposed to give up the Patcham house and move the small household to Harrow Road, London, temporarily, till we had time to find something less depressing.
In going we also hoped to shake off an acquaintance who haunted us at Brighton and Patcham, a Mr. D., but he soon found us out, and, realizing that I was determined1 to be "not at home" to him, he took to leaving gifts of beautiful Spanish lace at the door, directed to me, and only the words "from Romeo" inside.
This man had lived most of his life in Spain, and was a remarkably2 good judge of Spanish lace, and I must confess I was tempted3 to keep the rich creamy-white stuff that arrived anonymously4. This "Romeo" was more than middle-aged5, and, when he wrote that for "safety's sake" he would address messages to me through the "agony" column of the newspapers, Willie's wrath6 was unbounded.
He wrote to poor "Romeo" in sarcastic7 vein8, alluding9 to his age and figure, his insolence10 in addressing "a young and beautiful" woman with his "pestilent" twaddle. He told him, too, that he withdrew from all business transactions {35} with him, and would have much pleasure in kicking "Romeo" if he dared call at the house again. I was almost sorry for the foolish old man; but that was wasted on him, for he continued, undeterred by Willie's anger, to address "Juliet" in prose and verse in the daily papers. As he said, the "Daily Press was open to all, and the Captain could not stop that!" I used to laugh helplessly as Willie opened the morning paper at breakfast, and, first gravely turning to the "agony" column, would read the latest message to "Juliet" from her devoted11 "Romeo," becoming so angry that breakfast was spoiled to him. The sudden cessation of our acquaintance prevented our making that of Mme. Adelina Patti though "Romeo" had arranged a dinner in order that I should meet her.
A few weeks after we arrived in Harrow Road Willie began to complain of feeling ill, and a swelling12 that had formed on his neck became very painful. He was confined to bed, and after great suffering for weeks, Mr. Edgar Barker, who was constantly in attendance, said he must operate to save Willie's life. I had no nurse, as at this time we were in such financial straits that I really did not know which way to turn, and Willie was too ill to be asked about anything. Mr. Barker said to me, "You must hold his head perfectly13 still, and not faint." So he operated, and all went well, in spite of my inexperience in surgical14 nursing. Mr. Barker, for whose kindness at this time I can never be sufficiently15 grateful, helped me in every way, and would not allow even Willie's mother and sister to do so, as their presence irritated the patient so intensely.
During this time of trouble a Mr. Calasher, a money-lender, called to have some acceptances of Willie's met. I left Willie's bedside for a few minutes to see him, and he was kindness itself, agreeing to a renewal16 on my signature {36} alone, and most kindly17 sending in some little delicacies18 that he thought Willie might fancy. When Willie had recovered and went to see Mr. Calasher about the bills, it being then more than ever impossible to meet them, he (Mr. Calasher) would not consent to a further renewal, but tore the bills across and gave them back to Willie, saying, "Don't worry yourself, Captain O'Shea, but pay me when you can, and add six per cent. interest if you are able." I am glad to say we did this within the year. His courtesy about these bills was a great relief to me, as Willie was far too ill to be spoken to about business, and I was at my wits' end for money to meet everyday expenses. The accommodating Jew who lends the indiscreet Christian19 his money—naturally with a businesslike determination to increase it—has so much said against him that I am glad to be able to speak my little word of gratitude20 of one who was considerate and chivalrous21 to Willie as well as myself, to his own detriment22.
Better circumstances arising on Willie's recovery of health, we were anxious to get away from the depressions of Harrow Road, with its constant procession of hearses and mourners on the way to Kensal Green Cemetery23. After a weary hunt we finally decided24 upon a house in Beaufort Gardens. My French maid rejoiced in returning to her light duties as lady's maid, and reigned25 over a staff of maids in unison26 with the butler. Selby, at last convinced that race-horses were out of the question with us, left us, with mutual27 expressions of esteem28, to seek more congenial surroundings.
We went to Beaufort Gardens in 1872, and Willie insisted upon my making many new acquaintances. We soon found ourselves in a social swirl29 of visits, visitors and entertainments. I had always disliked society, as such. {37} Willie, however, thoroughly30 enjoyed this life, and as he was always worrying me to dress in the latest fashion, and would have a Frenchman in to dress my hair before every party, I became very rebellious31.
Here my eldest32 daughter was born, and I was glad of the rest from parties and balls—even though so many people I did not care to see came "to cheer me up!" As soon as I was about again the life I found so wearisome recommenced. After escorting me home from a dance or reception that I had not wanted to go to, Willie would go off again to "finish up the night," and one night, when in terror I was seeking for burglars, I found a policeman sitting on the stairs. He explained genially33 that the door was open, and he thought it better to come inside and guard the door for the Captain's return!
Alfred Austin—not then Poet Laureate—was a great friend and constant visitor of ours at that time. He had been at school—at Oscott—with Willie, and he was, I remember, extremely sensitive to criticism. "Owen Meredith," Lord Lytton, was also a frequent visitor, especially when my sister Anna was with us—she being sympathetic to his genius.
I think Willie and I were beginning to jar upon one another a good deal now, and I loved to get away for long walks by myself through the parks of London. Kensington Gardens was a great solace34 to me in all seasons and weathers, and I spent much of my time there. I often turned into the Brompton Oratory35 on my way home for a few minutes' peace and rest of body and soul, and these quiet times were a comfort to me when suffering from the fret36 and worry of my domestic life.
I first made my way to the Oratory when my daughter Norah was baptized, and some little time afterwards one {38} of the Fathers called on me. Finally Father —— undertook to call regularly to instruct me in the Catholic religion. He and the other priests lent me any books I wanted, and "The Threshold of the Catholic Faith," and one other I have now. That I never got beyond the "Threshold" was no fault of these good Fathers, who taught me with endless patience and uncompromising directness. But I had before me two types of Catholic in Willie and his mother and sister, and both were to me stumbling-blocks. The former was, as I knew, what they call a "careless Catholic," and I thought that if he who had been born in that faith that means so much made so little of it, perhaps it was more of a beautiful dream than a reality of life. Yet when I turned and considered those "good Catholics," his mother and sister, I found such a fierce bigotry37 and deadly dullness of outlook, such an immense piety38 and so small a charity, that my whole being revolted against such a belittling39 of God-given life. Now, I know that Mary and the Comtesse disliked me personally, and also that my temperament40 was antagonistic41 to theirs, as indeed to Willie's, though the affection he and I had for one another eased the friction42 between us; but youth judges so much by results, and my excursion into the Catholic religion ended in abrupt43 revolt against all forms and creeds44. This feeling was intensified45 when my second little girl, Carmen, was born and christened at the Oratory. I would not go in, but stood waiting in the porch, where I had so often marked tired men and women passing in to pray after their hard and joyless day of toil46, and I felt that my children were taken from me, and that I was very lonely.
My Uncle William, Lord Hatherley, was Lord High Chancellor47 at this time, and we were a good deal at his house, both at "functions" and privately48. His great {39} friend, Dean Stanley, was very kind to me; Dean Hook came, too, and many other Churchmen were continually in and out in their train. My cousin, William Stephens, who afterwards became Dean of Winchester, was then a very good-looking and agreeable young man; he followed my uncle about like a shadow, and my uncle and Aunt Charlotte were devoted to him. But my uncle gathered other society than that of Churchmen about him, and it amused me to watch for the pick of the intellectual world of the day as they swarmed49 up and down the stairs at the receptions, with the necessary make-weight of people who follow and pose in the wake of the great.
Willie insisted upon his wife being perfectly gowned on these occasions, and as he so often got out of going to those functions and insisted on my going alone, certain other relations of Lord Hatherley's would hover50 round me with their spiteful remarks of: "Dear Katie, alone again I poor dear girl, where does he go? How odd that you are so often alone—how little you know!" I was fond of my old uncle and he of me, but these little amenities51 did not make me like these social functions better, especially as his wife, my Aunt Charlotte, had a most irritating habit of shutting her eyes when greeting me, and, with her head slightly to one side, saying, "Poor dear! Poor lovely lamb!"
This winter, following the birth of my second girl, was bitterly cold, and my health, which had not been good for some time before her birth, caused much anxiety. After a consultation52 between Sir William Gull53, Sir William Jenner, and my usual doctor, it was decided that we should go to Niton, Isle54 of Wight, as I was too weak to travel far. My dear old aunt, Mrs. Benjamin Wood, sent her own doctor to me, and he recommended me to inject opium—an {40} expression of opinion that horrified55 Sir William Jenner into saying, "That man's mad, or wants to get rid of you!"
Our pecuniary56 affairs were again causing us considerable anxiety, but my dear aunt played the fairy godmother once more, and sent Willie a cheque so that we could go to Niton without worry or anxiety, and stop there until my health should be re-established. We were delighted with the summer warmth of the sun, and spent a happy Christmas basking57 in it. Since the hotel was very expensive, Willie established me in lodgings58 with the children and nurses in Ventnor, and, finding the place decidedly dull, returned to London.
The local doctor at Ventnor, who had been put in charge of my shattered health, was not satisfied that it was in any way improving, and, finding one day that I was in the habit of taking sleeping draughts59, he snorted angrily off to the chemist and returned with a large tin of meat extract, with which he presented me, adding the intimation that it was worth a dozen bottles of my draught—which happened to be a powder—and that my London doctors were bereft60 of intelligence. I was too tired to argue the point and contented61 myself with the observation that all doctors save the one in attendance were fellows in intelligence—a sentiment he considered suspiciously for some moments before snorting away like the amiable62 little steam engine he was. His specific for sleeplessness63 was much more wholesome64 than drugs, and I have always found it so since then.
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1
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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anonymously
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| ad.用匿名的方式 | |
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middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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7
sarcastic
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| adj.讥讽的，讽刺的，嘲弄的 | |
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vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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alluding
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| 提及，暗指( allude的现在分词 ) | |
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10
insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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12
swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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13
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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14
surgical
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| adj.外科的，外科医生的，手术上的 | |
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15
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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16
renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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17
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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18
delicacies
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| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
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19
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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20
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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21
chivalrous
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| adj.武士精神的；对女人彬彬有礼的 | |
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22
detriment
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| n.损害；损害物，造成损害的根源 | |
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23
cemetery
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| n.坟墓，墓地，坟场 | |
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24
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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25
reigned
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| vi.当政，统治（reign的过去式形式） | |
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unison
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| n.步调一致，行动一致 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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29
swirl
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| v.(使)打漩，(使)涡卷；n.漩涡，螺旋形 | |
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30
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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31
rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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32
eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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genially
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| adv.亲切地，和蔼地；快活地 | |
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34
solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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oratory
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| n.演讲术；词藻华丽的言辞 | |
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fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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bigotry
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| n.偏见，偏执，持偏见的行为[态度]等 | |
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38
piety
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| n.虔诚，虔敬 | |
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39
belittling
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| 使显得微小，轻视，贬低( belittle的现在分词 ) | |
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40
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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41
antagonistic
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| adj.敌对的 | |
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42
friction
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| n.摩擦，摩擦力 | |
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43
abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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44
creeds
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| （尤指宗教）信条，教条( creed的名词复数 ) | |
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45
intensified
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| v.（使）增强， （使）加剧( intensify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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47
chancellor
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| n.(英)大臣；法官；(德、奥)总理；大学校长 | |
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48
privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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49
swarmed
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| 密集( swarm的过去式和过去分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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50
hover
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| vi.翱翔，盘旋；徘徊；彷徨，犹豫 | |
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51
amenities
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| n.令人愉快的事物；礼仪；礼节；便利设施；礼仪( amenity的名词复数 )；便利设施；（环境等的）舒适；（性情等的）愉快 | |
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52
consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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53
gull
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| n.鸥；受骗的人；v.欺诈 | |
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54
isle
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| n.小岛，岛 | |
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55
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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56
pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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57
basking
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| v.晒太阳，取暖( bask的现在分词 )；对…感到乐趣；因他人的功绩而出名；仰仗…的余泽 | |
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58
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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59
draughts
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| n. <英>国际跳棋 | |
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60
bereft
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| adj.被剥夺的 | |
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61
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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62
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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63
sleeplessness
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| n.失眠，警觉 | |
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64
wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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