The officer's name was Salino, and he came around every year. He was portly, wore no gun or vest, no Mace1 or nightstick, no flashlight or silver bullets, no handcuffs or radio, none of the mandatory2 gadgetry3 that his brethren loved to affix4 to their belts and bodies. Salino looked bad in his uniform, but he'd been looking bad for so long that no one cared. He patrolled the southeast, the neighborhoods around Hemlock6, the affluent7 suburbs where the only crime was an occasional stolen bike or a speeding car.
Salino's partner for the evening was a beefy, lockjawed young lad with a roll of muscle bulging8 from the collar of his navy shirt. Treen was his name, and Treen wore every device and doohickey that Salino did not.
When Luther saw them through the blinds on his front door, standing9 there pressing his doorbell, he instantly thought of Frohmeyer. Frohmeyer could summon the police to Hemlock faster than the Chief himself.
He opened the door, made the obligatory10 hellos and good evenings, then asked them to step inside. He didn't want them inside, but he knew they would not leave until they completed the ritual. Treen was grasping a plain white tube that held the calendar.
Nora, who just seconds ago had been watching television with her husband, had suddenly vanished, though Luther knew she was just beyond the French doors, hiding in the kitchen, missing not a word.
Salino did all the talking. Luther figured this was because his hulking partner probably possessed11 a limited vocabulary. The Police Benevolent12 Association was once again working at full throttle13 to do all sorts of wonderful things for the community. Toys for tots. Christmas baskets for the less Fortunate. Visits by Santa. Ice skating adventures. Trips to the zoo. And they were delivering gifts to the old folks in the nursing homes and to the veterans tucked away in wards14. Salino had perfected his presentation. Luther had heard it before.
To help defray the costs of their worthy15 projects this year, the Police Benevolent Association had once again put together a handsome calendar for next year, one that again featured some of its members in action shots as they served the people. Treen on cue whipped out Luther's calendar, unrolled it, and flipped16 the rather large sheets as Salino did the play by play. For January it was a traffic cop with a warm smile waving little kindergartners across the street. For February, it was a cop even beefier than Treen helping17 a stranded18 motorist change a tire. Somehow in the midst of the effort the policeman had managed a smile. For March it was a rather tense scene at a nighttime accident with lights flashing all around and three men in blue conferring with frowns.
Luther admired the photos and artwork without a word as the months marched along.
What about the leopard19 print briefs? he wanted to ask. Or the steam room? Or the lifeguard with just a towel around his waist? Three years earlier, the PBA had succumbed20 to trendier tastes and published a calendar filled with photos of its leaner and younger members, all clad in virtually nothing, half grinning goofily at the camera, the other half straining with the tortured I-hate-modeling veneer21 of contemporary fashion. Practically R-rated, a big story about it made the front page.
Quite a brouhaha erupted overnight. The Mayor was incensed22 as complaints flooded city hall. The director of the PBA got fired. The undistributed calendars were pulled and burned while the local TV station recorded it Live!
Nora kept theirs in the basement, where she secretly enjoyed it all year.
The beefcake calendar was a financial disaster for all concerned, but it created more interest the following Christmas. Sales almost doubled.
Luther bought one every year, but only because it was expected. Oddly, there was no price attached to the calendars, at least not to the ones delivered personally by the likes of Salino and Treen. Their personal touch cost something more, an additional layer of goodwill23 that people like Luther were expected to fork over simply because that was the way it was done. It was this coerced24, above-the-table bribery26 that Luther hated. Last year he'd written a check for a hundred bucks27 to the PBA, but not this year.
When the presentation was over, Luther stood tall and said, "I don't need one." Salino cocked his head to one side as if he'd misunderstood. Treen's neck puffed28 out another inch.
Salino's face turned into a smirk29. You may not need one, the smirk said, but you'll buy it anyway. "Why's that?" he said.
"I already have calendars for next year." That was news to Nora, who was biting a fingernail and holding her breath.
"But not like this," Treen managed to grunt30. Salino shot him a look that said, "Be quiet!"
"I have two calendars in my office and two on my desk," Luther said. "We have one by the phone in the kitchen. My watch tells me precisely31 what day it is, as does my computer. Haven't missed a day in years."
"We're raising money for crippled children, Mr. Krank," Salino said, his voice suddenly soft and scratchy. Nora felt a tear coming.
"We give to crippled children, Officer," Luther shot back. "Through the United Way and our church and our taxes we give to every needy32 group you can possibly name."
"You're not proud of your policemen?" Treen said roughly, no doubt repeating a line he'd heard Salino use on others.
Luther caught himself for a second and allowed his anger to settle in. As if buying a calendar was the only measure of his pride in the local police force. As if forking over a bribe25 in the middle of his living room was proof that he, Luther Krank, stood solidly behind the boys in blue.
"I paid thirteen hundred bucks in city taxes last year," Luther said, his eyes flashing hot and settling on young Treen. "A portion of which went to pay your salary. Another portion went to pay the firemen, the ambulance drivers, the schoolteachers, the sanitation33 workers, the street cleaners, the Mayor and his rather comprehensive staff, the judges, the bailiffs, the jailers, all those clerks down at city hall, all those folks down at Mercy Hospital. They do a great job. You, sir, do a great job. I'm proud of all our city employees. But what's a calendar got to do with anything?"
Of course Treen had never had it put to him in such a logical manner, and he had no response. Salino either, for that matter. A tense pause followed.
Since Treen could think of no intelligent retort, he grew hot too and decided34 he would get Krank's license35 plate number and lie in ambush36 somewhere, maybe catch him speeding or sneaking37 through a stop sign. Pull him over, wait for a sarcastic38 comment, yank him out, sprawl39 him across the hood5 while cars eased by, slap the handcuffs on him, haul him to jail.
Such pleasant thoughts made Treen smile. Salino, however, was not smiling. He'd heard the rumors40 about Luther Krank and his goofy plans for Christmas. Frohmeyer'd told him. He'd driven by the night before and seen the handsome undecorated house with no Frosty, just sitting alone, peacefully yet oddly so different.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Salino said, sadly. "We're just trying to raise a little extra to help needy kids."
Nora wanted to burst through the door and say, "Here's a check! Give me the calendar!
But she didn't, because the aftermath would not be pleasant.
Luther nodded with jaws41 clenched42, eyes unflinching, and Treen began a rather dramatic rerolling of the calendar that would now be hawked43 to someone else. Under the weight of his large paws it popped and crinkled as it became smaller and smaller. Finally, it was as narrow as a broomstick and Treen slid it back into its tube and stuck a cap on the end. Ceremony over, it was time for them to leave.
"Merry Christmas, Salino said.
"Do the police still sponsor that softball team for orphans44?" Luther asked.
"We certainly do," Treen replied.
"Then come back in the spring and I'll give you a hundred bucks for uniforms."
This did nothing to appease45 the officers. They couldn't bring themselves to say, "Thanks." Instead, they nodded and looked at each other.
Things were stiff as Luther got them out the door, nothing said, just the irritating sound of Treen tapping the tube against his leg, like a bored cop with a nightstick looking for a head to bash.
"It was only a hundred dollars," Nora said sharply as she reentered the room. Luther was peeking46 around the curtains, making sure they were indeed leaving.
"No, dear, it was much more," he said smugly, as if the situation had been complex and only he had the full grasp of it. "How about some yogurt?"
To the starving, the prospect47 of food erased48 all other thoughts. Each night they rewarded themselves with a small container of bland49, fat-free, imitation fruit yogurt, which they savored50 like a last meal. Luther was down seven pounds and Nora six.
They were touring the neighborhood in a pickup51 truck, looking for targets. Ten of them were in the back, resting on bales of hay, singing as they rolled along. Under the quilts hands were being held and thighs52 groped, but harmless fun, at least for the moment. They were, after all, from the Lutheran church. Their leader was behind the wheel, and next to her was the minister's wife, who also played the organ on Sunday mornings.
The truck turned onto Hemlock, and the target quickly became obvious. They slowed as they neared the unadorned home of the Kranks. Luckily, Walt Scheel was outside wrestling with an extension cord that lacked about eight feet in connecting the electricity from his garage to his boxwoods, around which he had carefully woven four hundred new green lights. Since Krank wasn't decorating, he, Scheel, had decided to do so with extra gusto.
"Are those folks home?" the driver asked Walt as the truck came to a stop. She was nodding at the Kranks' place.
"Yes. Why?"
"Oh, we're out caroling. We got a youth group here from the Lutheran church, St. Mark's."
Walt suddenly smiled and dropped the extension cord. How lovely, he thought. Krank just thinks he can run from Christmas.
"Are they Jewish?" she asked.
"No."
"Buddhist53 or anything like that?"
"No, not at all. Methodist actually. They're trying to avoid Christmas this year."
"Do what?"
"You heard me." Walt was standing next to the driver's door, all smiles. "He's kind of a weird54 one. Skipping Christmas so he can save his money for a cruise."
The driver and the minister's wife looked long and hard at the Krank home across the street. The kids in the back had stopped singing and were listening to every word. Wheels were turning.
"I think some Christmas carolers would do them good, Scheel added helpfully. "Go on."
The truck emptied as the choir55 rushed onto the sidewalk. They stopped near the Kranks' mailbox. "Closer, Scheel yelled. "They won't mind."
They lined up near the house, next to Luther's favorite flower bed. Scheel ran to his front door and told Bev to call Frohmeyer.
Luther was scraping the sides of his yogurt container when a racket commenced very close to him. The carolers struck quick and loud with the opening stanza56 of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," and the Kranks ducked for cover. Then they darted57 from the kitchen, staying low, Luther in the lead with Nora on his back, into the living room and close to the front window, where, thankfully, the curtains were closed.
The choir waved excitedly when Luther was spotted58 peeking out.
"Christmas carolers," Luther hissed59, taking a step back, "Right out there next to our junipers."
"How lovely," Nora said very quietly.
"Lovely? They're trespassing60 on our property. It's a setup."
"They're not trespassing."
"Of course they are. They're on our property without being invited. Someone told them to come, probably Frohmeyer or Scheel."
"Christmas carolers are not trespassers," Nora insisted, practically whispering.
"I know what I'm talking about."
"Then call your friends down at the police department."
"I might do that," Luther mused61, peeking out again.
"Not too late to buy a calendar."
The entire Frohmeyer clan62 came running, Spike63 leading the pack on a skateboard, and by the time they fell in behind the carolers the Trogdons had heard the noise and were joining the commotion64. Then the Beckers with the mother-in-law in tow and Rocky the dropout65 lagging behind her.
"Jingle66 Bells" was next, a lively and loud rendition, no doubt inspired by the excitement being created. The choir director motioned for the neighbors to join in, which they happily did, and by the time they began "Silent Night" their number had ballooned to at least thirty. The carolers hit most of their notes; the neighbors couldn't have cared less. They sang loudly so that old Luther in there would squirm.
After twenty minutes, Nora's nerves gave way, and she went to the shower. Luther pretended to read a magazine in his easy chair, but each carol was louder than the last. He fumed67 and cursed under his breath. The last time he peeked68 out there were people all over his front lawn, everyone smiling and shrieking69 at his house.
When they started with "Frosty the Snowman," he went to his office in the basement and found the cognac.
1 mace | |
n.狼牙棒,豆蔻干皮 | |
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2 mandatory | |
adj.命令的;强制的;义务的;n.受托者 | |
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3 gadgetry | |
n.小机械,小器具 | |
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4 affix | |
n.附件,附录 vt.附贴,盖(章),签署 | |
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5 hood | |
n.头巾,兜帽,覆盖;v.罩上,以头巾覆盖 | |
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6 hemlock | |
n.毒胡萝卜,铁杉 | |
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7 affluent | |
adj.富裕的,富有的,丰富的,富饶的 | |
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8 bulging | |
膨胀; 凸出(部); 打气; 折皱 | |
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9 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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10 obligatory | |
adj.强制性的,义务的,必须的 | |
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11 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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12 benevolent | |
adj.仁慈的,乐善好施的 | |
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13 throttle | |
n.节流阀,节气阀,喉咙;v.扼喉咙,使窒息,压 | |
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14 wards | |
区( ward的名词复数 ); 病房; 受监护的未成年者; 被人照顾或控制的状态 | |
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15 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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16 flipped | |
轻弹( flip的过去式和过去分词 ); 按(开关); 快速翻转; 急挥 | |
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17 helping | |
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的 | |
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18 stranded | |
a.搁浅的,进退两难的 | |
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19 leopard | |
n.豹 | |
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20 succumbed | |
不再抵抗(诱惑、疾病、攻击等)( succumb的过去式和过去分词 ); 屈从; 被压垮; 死 | |
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21 veneer | |
n.(墙上的)饰面,虚饰 | |
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22 incensed | |
盛怒的 | |
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23 goodwill | |
n.善意,亲善,信誉,声誉 | |
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24 coerced | |
v.迫使做( coerce的过去式和过去分词 );强迫;(以武力、惩罚、威胁等手段)控制;支配 | |
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25 bribe | |
n.贿赂;v.向…行贿,买通 | |
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26 bribery | |
n.贿络行为,行贿,受贿 | |
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27 bucks | |
n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 );钱;(英国十九世纪初的)花花公子;(用于某些表达方式)责任v.(马等)猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 );抵制;猛然震荡;马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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28 puffed | |
adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 );喷着汽(或烟)移动;吹嘘;吹捧 | |
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29 smirk | |
n.得意地笑;v.傻笑;假笑着说 | |
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30 grunt | |
v.嘟哝;作呼噜声;n.呼噜声,嘟哝 | |
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31 precisely | |
adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地 | |
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32 needy | |
adj.贫穷的,贫困的,生活艰苦的 | |
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33 sanitation | |
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34 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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35 license | |
n.执照,许可证,特许;v.许可,特许 | |
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36 ambush | |
n.埋伏(地点);伏兵;v.埋伏;伏击 | |
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37 sneaking | |
a.秘密的,不公开的 | |
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38 sarcastic | |
adj.讥讽的,讽刺的,嘲弄的 | |
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39 sprawl | |
vi.躺卧,扩张,蔓延;vt.使蔓延;n.躺卧,蔓延 | |
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40 rumors | |
n.传闻( rumor的名词复数 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷v.传闻( rumor的第三人称单数 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷 | |
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41 jaws | |
n.口部;嘴 | |
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42 clenched | |
v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43 hawked | |
通过叫卖主动兜售(hawk的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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44 orphans | |
孤儿( orphan的名词复数 ) | |
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45 appease | |
v.安抚,缓和,平息,满足 | |
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46 peeking | |
v.很快地看( peek的现在分词 );偷看;窥视;微露出 | |
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47 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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48 erased | |
v.擦掉( erase的过去式和过去分词 );抹去;清除 | |
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49 bland | |
adj.淡而无味的,温和的,无刺激性的 | |
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50 savored | |
v.意味,带有…的性质( savor的过去式和过去分词 );给…加调味品;使有风味;品尝 | |
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51 pickup | |
n.拾起,获得 | |
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52 thighs | |
n.股,大腿( thigh的名词复数 );食用的鸡(等的)腿 | |
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53 Buddhist | |
adj./n.佛教的,佛教徒 | |
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54 weird | |
adj.古怪的,离奇的;怪诞的,神秘而可怕的 | |
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55 choir | |
n.唱诗班,唱诗班的席位,合唱团,舞蹈团;v.合唱 | |
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56 stanza | |
n.(诗)节,段 | |
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57 darted | |
v.投掷,投射( dart的过去式和过去分词 );向前冲,飞奔 | |
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58 spotted | |
adj.有斑点的,斑纹的,弄污了的 | |
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59 hissed | |
发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 ); 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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60 trespassing | |
[法]非法入侵 | |
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61 mused | |
v.沉思,冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 );沉思自语说(某事) | |
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62 clan | |
n.氏族,部落,宗族,家族,宗派 | |
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63 spike | |
n.长钉,钉鞋;v.以大钉钉牢,使...失效 | |
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64 commotion | |
n.骚动,动乱 | |
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65 dropout | |
n.退学的学生;退学;退出者 | |
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66 jingle | |
n.叮当声,韵律简单的诗句;v.使叮当作响,叮当响,押韵 | |
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67 fumed | |
愤怒( fume的过去式和过去分词 ); 大怒; 发怒; 冒烟 | |
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68 peeked | |
v.很快地看( peek的过去式和过去分词 );偷看;窥视;微露出 | |
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69 shrieking | |
v.尖叫( shriek的现在分词 ) | |
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