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chapter 19
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 The days settled into a routine. When they rose in the morning a colored woman "did" their room while they went down to the chop saloon for breakfast. Returning, Quidmore threw himself on his bed again. He did this after each meal, poking1 his nose deep into the limp pillow. Hardly ever speaking, he now and then uttered a low moan.
Tom watched patiently, ready to tell him the time or bring him a drink of water. When the day grew too hot he fanned him with an old newspaper.
"Why don't we go home, dad?" he asked anxiously on the third day. "I could get you there as easy as anything."
"I'm not well enough."
"You don't seem very sick to me. You don't have any pain and you can eat all right."
"It isn't that kind of bein' sick. It's—" he sought for a name—"it's like nervous prostration2."
More nearly than he knew he had named his malady3. In his own words, he was all in; and he was all in to the end of the letter of the term. Of that moral force which is most of what any man has to live upon some experience had drained him. He had spent his gift of vitality4. All in was precisely5 the phrase to apply to him. He had cashed the last cent of whatever he had inherited or saved in the way of inner strength, and now he could not go on.
[Pg 150]
"What's the good of it anyhow?" he asked of Tom in the night. "There's nothin' to it, not when you come to think of it. You run after something as if you couldn't live without it; and then when you get it you curse your God that you ever run."
Tom shuddered6 in his bed, but he was used to doing that. There was hardly a night when he was not wakened by a nightmare. If it was not by a nightmare, it was by the soft complaining voice.
"Are you awake, Tom?"
"Yes, dad. Can I get you anything?"
"No; I only wanted to know if you was awake."
Tom kept awake as long as he could, because he knew the poor wretch7 was afraid of lying sleepless8 in the dark. To keep him awake, perhaps for less selfish reasons, too, the soft voice would take this opportunity of giving him advice.
"Don't you ever go to wanting anything too much, boy. That's what's done for me. You can want things if you like; but one of the tricks in the game is to know how to be disappointed. I never did know, not even when I was a little chap. If I cried for the moon I wouldn't stop till I got it. When I was about as old as you, not gettin' what I wanted made me throw a fit. If I couldn't get things by fair means I had to get 'em by foul9; but I got 'em. It don't do you no good, boy. If I could go back again over the last six months...."
For fear of a confession10 Tom stopped his ears, but no confession ever came. The tortured soul could dribble11 its betrayals, but it couldn't face itself squarely.
[Pg 151]
"Look out for women," he said, gently, on another night. "You're old enough now to know how they'll play the Dutch with you. When I was your age there was nothing I didn't understand, and I guess it's the same with you. Don't ever let 'em get you. They got me before I was—well, I don't hardly know what age I was, but it was pretty young. Look out for 'em, boy. If you ever damn your soul for one of 'em, she'll do you dirt in the end. If it hadn't been for her...."
To keep this from going further, the boy broke in with the first subject he could think of. "I wonder if they'll remember to pick the new peas. They'll be ready by this time. Do you suppose they'll ...?"
"I don't care a hang what they do." After a brief silence he continued: "I'd 'a left the place to you, boy, only my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, has a mortgage on the place that'd eat up most of the value, so I've left it to her. That'll fix 'em both. I wish I could 'a done more for you."
"You've done a lot for me, as it is."
"You don't know."
There was another silence. It might have lasted ten minutes. The boy was falling once more into a doze12 when the soft voice lisped again,
"Tom."
He did his best to drag himself back from sleep. "Yes, dad? Do you want to know what time it is? I'll get up and look."
"No, stay where you are. There's somethin' I want to say. I've been a skunk13 to you."
"Oh, cut it, dad...."
[Pg 152]
"I won't cut it. I want to say it out. When I—when I first took you, it wasn't—it wasn't so much that I'd took a fancy to you...."
"I know it wasn't, dad. You wanted a boy to pick the berries. Let's drop it there."
But the fevered conscience couldn't drop it there. "Yes; at first. And then—and then it come into my mind that you might be—might be the one that'd do somethin' I didn't want to do myself. I thought—I thought that if you done it we might get by on it. We got by on it all right—or up to now we've got by—but I didn't get real fond of you till—till...."
"Oh, dad, let's go to sleep."
"All right. Let's. I just wanted to say that much. I was glad afterward14 that...."
The boy breathed heavily, pretending that he was asleep. He was soon asleep in earnest, and for the rest of the night was undisturbed. In the morning his father didn't get up, and Tom went down to the chop saloon to bring up something that would serve as breakfast. He did the same at midday, and the same in the evening. It was a summer's evening, with a long twilight15. As it began to grow dark Quidmore seemed to rouse himself. He needed tooth paste, shaving cream, other small necessities. Sitting up on the bed, he made out a list of things, giving Tom the money with which to pay for them. If he went to the pharmacy16 in Hudson Street he would be back in half an hour.
"All right, dad. I know the way. I'm an old hand in New York by this time."
[Pg 153]
He was at the door when Quidmore called him back.
"Say, boy. Give us a kiss."
Tom was stupefied. He had kissed his adopted mother often enough, but he had never been asked to do this. Quidmore laughed, pulling him close.
"Ah, come along! I don't ask you often. You're a fine boy, Tom. You must know as well as I do what's been...."
The words were suspended by a hug; but once he was free Tom fled away like a small young wild thing, released from human hands. Having reached the street, he began to feel frightened, prescient, awed17. Something was going to happen, he could not imagine what. He made his purchases hurriedly, and then delayed his return. He could be tender with the man; he could be loving; but he couldn't share his secrets.
But he had to go back. In the dim upper hall outside the door he paused to pump up courage to go in. He was not afraid in the common way of fear; he was only overcome with apprehension18 at having a knowledge he rejected forced on him.
The first thing he noticed was that no light came through the crack beneath the door. The room was apparently19 dark. That was strange because his father dreaded20 darkness, except when he was there to keep him company. He crept to the door and listened. There was no sound. He pushed the door open. The lights were out. In panic at what he might discover, he switched on the electricity.
[Pg 154]
But he only found the room empty. That was so far a relief. His father had gone out, and would be back again. Closing the door behind him, he advanced into the room.
It seemed more than empty. It felt abandoned, as if something had gone which would not return. He remembered that sensation afterward. He stood still to wonder, to conjecture21. The Red Indian gleamed with his bronze leer.
The next thing the boy noticed was an odd little pile on the table. It was money—notes. On top of the notes there was silver and copper22. He stooped over them, touching23 them with his forefinger24, pushing them. He pushed them as he might have pushed an insect to see whether or not it was alive.
Lastly he noticed a paper, on which the money had been placed. There was something scribbled25 on it with a pencil. He held it under the dim lamp. "For Tom—with a real love."
The tears gushed26 to his eyes, as they always did when people showed that they loved him. But he didn't actually cry; he only stood still and wondered. He couldn't make it out. That his father should have gone out and forgotten all his money was unusual enough, but that he should have left these penciled words was puzzling. It was easy to count the money. There were seven fifty-dollar bills, with twenty-eight dollars and fifty-four cents in smaller bills and change. He seemed to remember that his father had drawn27 four hundred dollars for the Wilmington expenses, with a margin28 for purchases.
[Pg 155]
He stood wondering. He could never recall how long he stood wondering. The rest of the night became more or less a blank to him; for, to the best of the boy's knowledge, the man who had adopted him was never seen again.

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 poking poking     
n. 刺,戳,袋 vt. 拨开,刺,戳 vi. 戳,刺,捅,搜索,伸出,行动散慢
参考例句:
  • He was poking at the rubbish with his stick. 他正用手杖拨动垃圾。
  • He spent his weekends poking around dusty old bookshops. 他周末都泡在布满尘埃的旧书店里。
2 prostration e23ec06f537750e7e1306b9c8f596399     
n. 平伏, 跪倒, 疲劳
参考例句:
  • a state of prostration brought on by the heat 暑热导致的虚脱状态
  • A long period of worrying led to her nervous prostration. 长期的焦虑导致她的神经衰弱。
3 malady awjyo     
n.病,疾病(通常做比喻)
参考例句:
  • There is no specific remedy for the malady.没有医治这种病的特效药。
  • They are managing to control the malady into a small range.他们设法将疾病控制在小范围之内。
4 vitality lhAw8     
n.活力,生命力,效力
参考例句:
  • He came back from his holiday bursting with vitality and good health.他度假归来之后,身强体壮,充满活力。
  • He is an ambitious young man full of enthusiasm and vitality.他是个充满热情与活力的有远大抱负的青年。
5 precisely zlWzUb     
adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地
参考例句:
  • It's precisely that sort of slick sales-talk that I mistrust.我不相信的正是那种油腔滑调的推销宣传。
  • The man adjusted very precisely.那个人调得很准。
6 shuddered 70137c95ff493fbfede89987ee46ab86     
v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 );发抖;(机器、车辆等)突然震动;颤动
参考例句:
  • He slammed on the brakes and the car shuddered to a halt. 他猛踩刹车,车颤抖着停住了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I shuddered at the sight of the dead body. 我一看见那尸体就战栗。 来自《简明英汉词典》
7 wretch EIPyl     
n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人
参考例句:
  • You are really an ungrateful wretch to complain instead of thanking him.你不但不谢他,还埋怨他,真不知好歹。
  • The dead husband is not the dishonoured wretch they fancied him.死去的丈夫不是他们所想象的不光彩的坏蛋。
8 sleepless oiBzGN     
adj.不睡眠的,睡不著的,不休息的
参考例句:
  • The situation gave her many sleepless nights.这种情况害她一连好多天睡不好觉。
  • One evening I heard a tale that rendered me sleepless for nights.一天晚上,我听说了一个传闻,把我搞得一连几夜都不能入睡。
9 foul Sfnzy     
adj.污秽的;邪恶的;v.弄脏;妨害;犯规;n.犯规
参考例句:
  • Take off those foul clothes and let me wash them.脱下那些脏衣服让我洗一洗。
  • What a foul day it is!多么恶劣的天气!
10 confession 8Ygye     
n.自白,供认,承认
参考例句:
  • Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
  • The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。
11 dribble DZTzb     
v.点滴留下,流口水;n.口水
参考例句:
  • Melted wax dribbled down the side of the candle.熔化了的蜡一滴滴从蜡烛边上流下。
  • He wiped a dribble of saliva from his chin.他擦掉了下巴上的几滴口水。
12 doze IsoxV     
v.打瞌睡;n.打盹,假寐
参考例句:
  • He likes to have a doze after lunch.他喜欢午饭后打个盹。
  • While the adults doze,the young play.大人们在打瞌睡,而孩子们在玩耍。
13 skunk xERzE     
n.臭鼬,黄鼠狼;v.使惨败,使得零分;烂醉如泥
参考例句:
  • That was a rotten thing to do, you skunk!那种事做得太缺德了,你这卑鄙的家伙!
  • The skunk gives off an unpleasant smell when attacked.受到攻击时臭鼬会发出一种难闻的气味。
14 afterward fK6y3     
adv.后来;以后
参考例句:
  • Let's go to the theatre first and eat afterward. 让我们先去看戏,然后吃饭。
  • Afterward,the boy became a very famous artist.后来,这男孩成为一个很有名的艺术家。
15 twilight gKizf     
n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期
参考例句:
  • Twilight merged into darkness.夕阳的光辉融于黑暗中。
  • Twilight was sweet with the smell of lilac and freshly turned earth.薄暮充满紫丁香和新翻耕的泥土的香味。
16 pharmacy h3hzT     
n.药房,药剂学,制药业,配药业,一批备用药品
参考例句:
  • She works at the pharmacy.她在药房工作。
  • Modern pharmacy has solved the problem of sleeplessness.现代制药学已经解决了失眠问题。
17 awed a0ab9008d911a954b6ce264ddc63f5c8     
adj.充满敬畏的,表示敬畏的v.使敬畏,使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • The audience was awed into silence by her stunning performance. 观众席上鸦雀无声,人们对他出色的表演感到惊叹。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I was awed by the huge gorilla. 那只大猩猩使我惊惧。 来自《简明英汉词典》
18 apprehension bNayw     
n.理解,领悟;逮捕,拘捕;忧虑
参考例句:
  • There were still areas of doubt and her apprehension grew.有些地方仍然存疑,于是她越来越担心。
  • She is a girl of weak apprehension.她是一个理解力很差的女孩。
19 apparently tMmyQ     
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎
参考例句:
  • An apparently blind alley leads suddenly into an open space.山穷水尽,豁然开朗。
  • He was apparently much surprised at the news.他对那个消息显然感到十分惊异。
20 dreaded XuNzI3     
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)
参考例句:
  • The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
  • He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》
21 conjecture 3p8z4     
n./v.推测,猜测
参考例句:
  • She felt it no use to conjecture his motives.她觉得猜想他的动机是没有用的。
  • This conjecture is not supported by any real evidence.这种推测未被任何确切的证据所证实。
22 copper HZXyU     
n.铜;铜币;铜器;adj.铜(制)的;(紫)铜色的
参考例句:
  • The students are asked to prove the purity of copper.要求学生们检验铜的纯度。
  • Copper is a good medium for the conduction of heat and electricity.铜是热和电的良导体。
23 touching sg6zQ9     
adj.动人的,使人感伤的
参考例句:
  • It was a touching sight.这是一幅动人的景象。
  • His letter was touching.他的信很感人。
24 forefinger pihxt     
n.食指
参考例句:
  • He pinched the leaf between his thumb and forefinger.他将叶子捏在拇指和食指之间。
  • He held it between the tips of his thumb and forefinger.他用他大拇指和食指尖拿着它。
25 scribbled de374a2e21876e209006cd3e9a90c01b     
v.潦草的书写( scribble的过去式和过去分词 );乱画;草草地写;匆匆记下
参考例句:
  • She scribbled his phone number on a scrap of paper. 她把他的电话号码匆匆写在一张小纸片上。
  • He scribbled a note to his sister before leaving. 临行前,他给妹妹草草写了一封短信。
26 gushed de5babf66f69bac96b526188524783de     
v.喷,涌( gush的过去式和过去分词 );滔滔不绝地说话
参考例句:
  • Oil gushed from the well. 石油从井口喷了出来。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
  • Clear water gushed into the irrigational channel. 清澈的水涌进了灌溉渠道。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
27 drawn MuXzIi     
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的
参考例句:
  • All the characters in the story are drawn from life.故事中的所有人物都取材于生活。
  • Her gaze was drawn irresistibly to the scene outside.她的目光禁不住被外面的风景所吸引。
28 margin 67Mzp     
n.页边空白;差额;余地,余裕;边,边缘
参考例句:
  • We allowed a margin of 20 minutes in catching the train.我们有20分钟的余地赶火车。
  • The village is situated at the margin of a forest.村子位于森林的边缘。


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