More exactly, perhaps, it made definite the aim he had been vaguely2 conscious of already. What he felt was not new; it was only more fixed3 and clear. He knew what he meant to do, even though he didn't see how he was to do it. He might never accomplish anything; very likely he never would; but at least he had a state of mind, and he was not going to be in a hurry. If for the ills he saw he was to work out a cure, or help to work out a cure, or even dream of working out a cure, he must first diagnose the disease; and diagnosis4 would take a good part of his lifetime. He was twenty-three, according to his count, but, again according to his count he had the seriousness of forty. With the advantage of a varied5 experience and an early maturity6, he had also that of age.
His achievements in the war had given him the kind of importance interesting to newspapers. They
[Pg 411]
had begun writing him up from the days of the action at Belleau Wood. His picture had appeared in their Sunday editions as on the staff of General Pershing during his visit to the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg. To Tom himself the only satisfaction in this was the possible diminishing of the distance between him and Hildred Ansley. It would not have been the first time in history when war had helped a lover out of his obscurity to put him on the level of the loved one. To Hildred herself it would make no difference; but by her father and mother, especially by her mother, a son-in-law who had worn with some credit his country's uniform might be pardoned his presumption7.
Public approval also brought him one other consideration that meant much to him. The man who thought he might be his father wrote to him. He wrote to him often. He wrote to him partly as a friend might write, partly as a father might write to his son. Between the lines it was not difficult to read a yearning8 and sense of comfort. The yearning was plainly for assurance; just as plainly the sense of comfort lay in the knowledge that somewhere in the world there was a heart that beat to the measure of his own. It was as if he had written the words: "My two acknowledged children are of no help to me; my wife is crushed by her sorrow; you and I, even if there is no drop of common blood between us, understand each other. Whether or not we are father and son, we could work together as if we were."
The letters were full of a fatherly affection strange in view of the slight degree of their acquaintanceship.
[Pg 412]
The man's heart cleared that obstacle with a bound. Tom's heart cleared it with an equal ease. To be needed was the call to which, with his strong infusion9 of the feminine, he never failed to answer instantaneously. As readily as the banker divined him, he divined the banker. If there was no fatherhood or sonship in fact there was both sonship and fatherhood in essence.
Whitelaw wrote as if he had been writing to his boy for years, with a matter-of-course solicitude10, with offers of money, with scraps11 of news. He talked freely of the family, as if Tom would care to hear of them. A few words in one of his letters showed that he knew more than Tom had hitherto supposed.
"If Tad and Lily have been uncivil to you it was not because of personal dislike. In their situation some hostility12 toward the outsider, as they would call him, whom they might be forced to acknowledge as their older brother must be forgiven as not unnatural13."
During all the three years of Tom's soldiering this was the only reference to the question that had been left suspended by the war. Whether or not it would ever be taken up again Tom had no idea. He hoped it would not be. For him an undetermined situation was enough.
Though during this period Henry Whitelaw was frequently in London and Paris they never met. When the one proposed that he should use his influence to get the other leave, Tom thought it wiser to stay, as he expressed it, on the job. Only once did he ask permission to run up for forty-eight hours to Paris, and that was to see Hildred.
[Pg 413]
She was then helping14 to nurse Guy, who, while working with the Y.M.C.A., had come down with typhoid fever. Convalescent by this time, he would sail for America in a month or two, Hildred going with him. Tom himself being on the eve of marching into Germany, the moment was one to be seized.
They dined in a little restaurant near the Madeleine. With the table between them they scanned each other's faces for the traces left by nearly two years of separation. Except that she was tired Tom found little change in her. Always lacking in temporary, girlish prettiness, her distinction of line and poise15 was that which the years affect but slowly, and experience enhances. He could only say of her that she was less the young girl he had last seen in Boston, and more the woman of the world who, having seen the things that happen as they happen most brutally16, has grown a little heartsick, and more than a little weary.
"It's all so futile17, Tom. It's such waste. It should never have been asked of the people of the world."
His lips had the dim disillusioned18 smile which had taken the place of the radiance of even a year or two earlier.
"What about the war to end war? What about making the world safe for democracy?"
She put up a hand in protest. "Oh, don't! I hate that clap-trap. The salt which was good enough to put on birds' tails is sickening when you see the poor creatures lying with their necks wrung19. Oh, Tom, what can we do about it if we ever get home?"
"Do about what?"
[Pg 414]
"About the whole thing, about this poor pitiful, pitiable human race that's got itself into such an awful mess?"
"The human race is a pretty big problem to handle."
"Yes, but you don't think the bigness ought to stop us, do you?"
"Stop us from—?"
"From trying to keep the world from going on with its frightful20 policy of destruction. Isn't there anyone to show us that you can't destroy one without by that much destroying all; that you can't make it easier for one without by that much making it easier for everyone? Are we never going to be anything but fools?"
His dim smile came and went again. "We'll talk about that when I get home. We can't do it now. Even if we could it's no us trying to reason with a world that's gone insane. We must let it have time to recover. I want to hear about you."
She threw herself back in her chair, nervously21 crumbling22 a bit of bread. "Oh, I'm all right. Never better, as far as that goes. I've only grown an awful coward. Now that the fighting's over I seem to be more afraid than when it was going on. As far as pep goes I'm a rag."
"It'll do you good to get home."
"Oh, I want to get farther away than home. I want to get somewhere—to a desert island perhaps—where there won't be any people—"
"None?"
"Oh, well, dad and mother and Guy and—"
"And nobody else?"
[Pg 415]
"Yes, and you. I see you want me to say it, so I might as well. I want you there—and then nobody else—not a soul—not the shadow of a soul—except servants, of course—"
He grew daring as he had never been before. "Perhaps before many years we may find that island—with the servants all the time—but with your father and mother and Guy as visitors—very frequent visitors—but—"
"Oh, don't talk about it. It's too heavenly for a world like this." She looked him in the eyes, despairingly. "Do you suppose it ever could come true?"
"Stranger things have."
"But better things haven't."
He put down his knife and fork to gaze at her. "Hildred, do you really feel like that?"
"Well, don't you?" Her tone was a little indignant. "If you don't for pity's sake tell me, so that I shan't go on giving myself away."
"Of course, I feel that way, only it seems to me queer that you should."
"Why queer?"
"Because you're you, and I'm only me."
"You can't reason in that way. You can't really reason about the thing at all. The most freakish thing in the world is whom people'll fall in love with."
"It must be," he said humbly23.
"Oh, cheer up; it isn't as bad as all that. There's no disgrace in my being in love with you. If you'll just be in love with me I'll take care of myself."
They laughed like children. To neither was it strange to have taken their love for granted, since
[Pg 416]
they had done it for so long. It was as if it had grown with them, as if it had been born with them. Its flowers had opened because it was their springtime; there was nothing else for it to do. It was a stormy springtime, with only the rarest bursts of sunshine; but for that very reason they must make the most of such sunshine as there was. They had not met for two years; it might be two years more before they met again. They could only throw their hearts wide open.
She talked of her work. In her mood of reaction it seemed to her now a stupid, foolish work, not because it hadn't done good, but because it had done good for such useless purposes. A New York woman whom she knew, whose son had been killed fighting with the British in the earlier part of the war, had opened a sort of club for the cheering up of young fellows passing through Paris, or there for a short leave.
"We bucked24 them up so that they'd be willing to go back again, and be blown to bits. It was like giving the good breakfast and the cigarette to the man going out to the electric chair. My God, what a nerve we had, we girls! We'd laugh and dance with those poor young chaps, who a few days later would be in their graves, if the shells left anything to bury. We didn't think much about it then. It's only now that it comes over me. I feel as if I'd been their executioner."
"You're tired. You need a rest."
"Rest won't reconcile me to belonging to a race of wild beasts. Oh, Tom, couldn't we make a little life
[Pg 417]
for ourselves away from everyone, and from all this cheap vindictiveness25? I shouldn't care how humble26 or obscure it was."
He laughed, quietly. "There are a good many hurdles27 to take before we come even to the humble and obscure."
"Hurdles? What kind of hurdles?"
"Your father and mother for one."
She admitted the importance of this. "But you won't find that hurdle28 hard to take if you're Harry29 Whitelaw."
"But if I'm not?"
"I'm sure from what mother writes that you can be."
"And I'm sure from what I feel that I can't."
"Oh, but you haven't tried." She hurried on from this to give him the gist30 of her mother's letters on the subject. "She and Mr. Whitelaw have the most tremendous confabs about you, every time he comes to Boston. The fact that he can't talk to Mrs. Whitelaw—she's all nerves the minute you're mentioned—throws him back on mother. That flatters the dear old lady like anything. She begins to think now she adopted you in infancy31. You were her discovery. She gave you your first leg-up. And after all, you know, we've got to admit that during the whole of these seven years she might have been a great deal worse."
He agreed with her gratefully.
"As a matter of fact," she went on, in her judicial32 tone, "you must hand it to us Boston people that, while we can be the most awful snobs33, we're not such
[Pg 418]
snobs that we don't know a good thing when we see it. It's only the second-cut among us, those who don't really belong, who are supercilious34. Once you concede that we're as superior as we think ourselves, we can be pretty generous. If you've got it in you to climb up we not only won't kick you down, but we'll put out our hands and pull you. That's Boston; that's dad and mother. When you've made all the fun of them you like, the poor dears still have that much left which you can't take away from them."
Something of this Tom was to test by the time he and Hildred met again. It was not another two years before they did that, but it was a year. Demobilized in Washington, he traveled straight to Boston. He had made his plans. Before seeing Hildred again he would see her father. "It's the only straight thing to do," he told himself. After all the years in which they had been good to him he couldn't begin again to go in and out of their house while they were ignorant of what he hoped for. Hildred might have told them something; he didn't know; but the details of most importance were those which only he himself could give them.
Having written for a very private appointment, Ansley had told him to come to his office immediately on his arrival in Boston. He reached that city by half-past three; he was at the office by a little after four.
It was a large office, covering most of a floor of an imposing35 office building. On a glass door were the names of the partners, that of Philip Ansley standing36 first on the list and in bigger letters than the rest. In
[Pg 419]
the anteroom an impersonal37 young lady reading a magazine said, by telephone, "Mr. Whitelaw to see Mr. Ansley."
The business of the day was over. As Tom passed through a corridor from which most of the private offices opened he saw that they were empty. The only one still occupied was at the most distant end, and there he found Philip Ansley. He found also his wife. The purpose of Tom's visit having been made clear by letter, both of Hildred's parents were concerned in it.
They welcomed him cordially, making the comments permissible38 to old friends on his improved personal appearance. They asked for his news; they gave their own. Guy was back at Harvard at the Law School; Hildred was at home, somewhat at loose ends. Like most girls who had worked in France, she found a life of leisure tedious.
"Eating her head off," Ansley complained. "Can't settle down again."
Mrs. Ansley was more heroic. "We accept it. It's part of what we offered up to the Great Cause. We gave our all, and though all was not taken from us we should not have murmured if it had been."
Taking advantage of this turn of the talk, Tom launched into his appeal. For the last time in his life, as he hoped, he told the story of his mother. As he had told it to Hildred and to Henry Whitelaw so now he gave it to Philip and Sunshine Ansley. Hating the task, he was upheld in carrying it through by the knowledge that everyone who had a right to know it knew it now.
[Pg 420]
He finished with the minute at which Guy first spoke40 to him. From that point onward41 they had been able to follow the course of his life for themselves. They had in a measure entered into it, and helped him to his opportunities. He thanked them; but before he could accept their goodwill42 again he wanted them to know exactly what he had sprung from. Hildred did know. She had known it for several years. It had made no difference to her; he hoped so to make good in the future that it would make no difference to them.
They listened attentively43, with no sign of being shocked. Now and then, at such points as the stealing of the first little book, or the final arrest, one or the other would murmur39 a "Dear me!" but sympathy and pity were plainly their sentiments. They didn't condemn44 him; they didn't even blame him. He had been an unfortunate child. There was nothing to be thought of him but that.
After he had finished there was a silence that seemed long. Ansley sat at his desk, leaning back in his revolving45 chair. Mrs. Ansley was near a window, where she could to some extent shield herself by looking out. She left to her husband the duty of speaking the first word.
"It all depends, my dear fellow, on your being accepted by Henry Whitelaw as his son."
There was another silence. "Is that final, sir?"
"I'm afraid it is."
"Is there no way by which I can be taken as myself?"
Mrs. Ansley turned from her contemplation of the
[Pg 421]
Lion and the Unicorn46 on the Old State House. "No one is ever taken as himself. We all have to be taken with the circumstances that surround us."
Ansley enlarged on this, leaning forward and toying with a paperweight. "My wife is quite right. Nobody in the world is just a human being pure and simple. He's a human being plus the conditions which go to make him up. You can't separate the conditions from the man, nor the man from the conditions. If you're Henry Whitelaw's son, stolen and brought up in circumstances no matter how poor and criminal, you're one person; if you're the son of this—this woman, whom I shan't condemn any more than I can help, you're another. You see that, don't you?"
"Can't I be—what I've made myself?"
"You can't make yourself anything but what you've been from the beginning. You can correct and improve and modify; but you can't change."
"So that if I'm the son of—of this woman, you wouldn't want me. Is that it?"
"How could we?" came from Mrs. Ansley. "But I know from Mr. Whitelaw himself that—"
Ansley smiled, paternally47. "Suppose we leave it there. After all, the last word rests with him."
"I don't think so, sir. It rests with me."
This could be dismissed as of no importance. "Oh, with you, of course, in a certain sense. They can't force you. But if they're satisfied that you're—"
"And if I'm not satisfied?"
"Oh, but, my dear fellow, you wouldn't make yourself difficult on that score."
[Pg 422]
"It's not a question of being difficult; it's one of what I can do."
They got no farther than that. Tom's reluctance48 to deny the woman he had always regarded as his mother was not only hard for them to seize, it was hard for him to explain. He couldn't make them see that the creature who for them was only a common shoplifter was for him the source of tender and sacred memories. To accuse her of a greater crime than theft would be to desecrate49 the shrine50 which he himself had built of love and pity; but he was unable to put it into words, as they were unable to understand it. He himself worded it as plainly as he could when, rising, he said:
"So that I must renounce51 my mother or renounce Hildred."
Ansley also rose. "That's not quite the way to express it. If she was your mother, there can be no question of your renouncing52 her. But then, too, there can be no question of—of Hildred. I'm sure you must see."
"And if I see, would Hildred also see?"
Leaving her window, Mrs. Ansley, bulbous and quivering, lilted forward. "We must leave that to your sense of honor. In a way we're in your hands. It's within your power to make us suffer."
"I should never do that," he assured her, hastily. "Hildred wouldn't want me to. After all you've done for me neither she nor I—"
"Quite so, my dear fellow, quite so." Ansley held out his hand. "We trust you both. But the situation is clear, I think. If you come back to us as Harry
[Pg 423]
Whitelaw, you'll find us eager to welcome you. If you don't, or if you can't—"
A wave of the hand, a shrug53 of the shoulders, expressing the rest, Tom could only bow himself out.
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1
armistice
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| n.休战，停战协定 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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diagnosis
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| n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断 | |
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varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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presumption
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| n.推测，可能性，冒昧，放肆，[法律]推定 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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infusion
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solicitude
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scraps
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hostility
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| n.敌对，敌意；抵制［pl.］交战，战争 | |
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unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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helping
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poise
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| vt./vi. 平衡，保持平衡；n.泰然自若，自信 | |
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brutally
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| adv.残忍地，野蛮地，冷酷无情地 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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disillusioned
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| a.不再抱幻想的，大失所望的，幻想破灭的 | |
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wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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frightful
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nervously
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crumbling
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humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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bucked
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| adj.快v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的过去式和过去分词 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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vindictiveness
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humble
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hurdles
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hurdle
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| n.跳栏，栏架；障碍，困难；vi.进行跨栏赛 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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gist
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infancy
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| n.婴儿期；幼年期；初期 | |
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judicial
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| adj.司法的，法庭的，审判的，明断的，公正的 | |
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snobs
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| （谄上傲下的）势利小人( snob的名词复数 )； 自高自大者，自命不凡者 | |
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supercilious
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imposing
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standing
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impersonal
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permissible
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murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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onward
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| adj.向前的，前进的；adv.向前，前进，在先 | |
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goodwill
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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unicorn
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| n.(传说中的)独角兽 | |
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paternally
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| adv.父亲似地；父亲一般地 | |
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reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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desecrate
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shrine
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| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
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renounce
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| v.放弃；拒绝承认，宣布与…断绝关系 | |
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renouncing
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的现在分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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shrug
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| v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等) | |
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