I am in a position to advance for the benefit of younger men of my own social rank, certain views which I think will not be unprofitable to them in this matter.
I will suppose my reader to be still upon the right side of thirty; to be the son of some professional man; to have been kept, at the expense of some anxiety to his parents, for five years or so at a public school, and to have proceeded to the University upon a loan.
With such a start he cannot fail, if he is in[Pg 199] any way lively or amiable2, to have made the acquaintance by the age of twenty-two of a whole group of men whose fathers may properly be called "The Great," and who themselves will inherit a similar distinction, unless they die prematurely3 of hard living or hereditary4 disease.
After such a beginning, common to many of my readers, the friendship and patronage5 of these people would seem to be secure; and yet we know from only too many fatal instances that it is nothing of the kind, and that of twenty young men who have scraped up acquaintance with their betters at Winchester or Magdalen (to take two names at random) not two are to be found at the age of forty still familiarly entering those London houses, which are rated at over £1000 a year.
The root cause of such failures is obvious enough.
The advantage of acquaintance with wealthy or important people would, so far as general opportunities go, be lost if one did not [Pg 200]advertise it; and here comes in a difficulty which has wrecked6 innumerable lives. For by a pretty paradox7 with which we are all of us only too well acquainted, the wealthy and important are particularly averse8 to the recitation of acquaintance with themselves.
Formerly—about seventy years ago—your man who would succeed recited upon the slightest grounds, in public and with emphasis, his friendship with the Great. It was one of Disraeli's methods of advancement9. The Great discovered the crude method, denounced it, vilified10 it, and towards the year 1860 it had already become impossible. William tells me he remembers his dear father warning me of this.
Those who would advance in the next generation were compelled to abandon methods so simple and to take refuge in allusion11. Thus a young fellow in the late sixties, the seventies, and the very early eighties was helped in his career by professing12 a profound dislike for such and such a notability and swearing that he[Pg 201] would not meet him. For to profess1 dislike was to profess familiarity with the world in which that notability moved.
Or, again, to analyse rather curiously13, and, on the whole, unfavourably, the character of some exceedingly wealthy man, was a method that succeeded well enough in hands of average ability. While a third way was to use Christian14 names, and yet to use them with a tone of indifference15, as though they belonged to acquaintances rather than friends.
But the Great are ever on the alert, and this habit of allusion was in its turn tracked down by their unfailing noses; so that in our own time it has been necessary to invent another. I do not promise it any long survival, I write only for the moment, and for the fashions of my time, but I think a young man is well advised in this second decade of the twentieth century to assume towards the Great an attitude of silent and sometimes weary familiarity, and very often to pretend to know them less well than he does.
[Pg 202]
Thus three men will be in a smoking room together. The one, let us say, will be the Master of the King's Billiard Room, an aged16 Jew who has lent money to some Cabinet Minister; the second a local squire17, well-to-do and about fifty years of age; the third is my young reader, whose father, let us say, was a successful dentist. The Master of the King's Billiard Room will say that he likes "Puffy." The squire will say he doesn't like him much because of such and such a thing; he will ask the young man for his opinion. Now, in my opinion, the young man will do well at this juncture18 to affect ignorance. Let him deliberately19 ask to have it explained to him who Puffy is (although the nickname may be familiar to every reader of a newspaper), and on hearing that it is a certain Lord Patterson he should put on an expression of no interest, and say that he has never met Lord Patterson.
Something of the same effect is produced when a man remains20 silent during a long conversation about a celebrity21, and then towards[Pg 203] the end of it says some really true and intimate thing about him, such as, that he rides in long stirrups, or that one cannot bear his double eyelids22 or that his gout is very amusing.
Another very good trick, which still possesses great force, is to repudiate23 any personal acquaintance with the celebrity in question, and treat him merely as some one whom one has read of in the newspapers; but next, as though following a train of thought, to begin talking of some much less distinguished24 relative of his with the grossest possible familiarity.
A common and not ineffective way (which I mention to conclude the list) is to pretend that you have only met the Great Man in the way of business, at large meetings or in public places, where he could not possibly remember you, and to pretend this upon all occasions and very often. But this method is only to be used when, as a matter of fact, you have not met the celebrity at all.
As for letting yourself be caught unawares and showing a real and naïf ignorance of the[Pg 204] Great, that is not only a fault against which I will not warn you, for I believe you to be incapable25 of it, but it is also one against which it is of no good to warn any one, for whoever commits it has no chance whatsoever26 of that advancement which it is the object of these notes to promote.
When you are found walking with the Great in the street (a thing which, as a rule, they feel a certain shyness in doing, at least in company with people of your position), it is as well, if your companion meets another of his own Order, to stand a little to one side, to profess interest in the objects of a neighbouring shop window, or the pattern of the railings. Such at least is the general rule to be laid down for those who have not the quickness or ability to seize at once the better method, which is as follows:
Catch if you can the distant approach of the Other Great before your Great has spotted27 him, then, upon some pretext28, preferably accompanied by the pulling out of your watch, depart:[Pg 205] for there is nothing that so annoys the Great during the conference of any two of them, as the presence of a third party of your station.
Since my remarks must be put into a brief compass (though I have much more to say upon this all-important subject) I will conclude with what is perhaps the soundest piece of advice of all.
Never under any occasion or temptation, bestow29 a gift even of the smallest value, upon the Great. Never let yourself be betrayed into a generous action, nor, if you can possibly prevent it, so much as a generous thought in their regard. They are not grateful. They think it impertinent. And it looks odd. There is a note of equality about such things (and this particularly applies to unbosoming yourself in correspondence) which is very odious30 and offensive. Moreover, as has been proved in the case of countless31 unhappy lives, when once a man of the middle class falls into the habit of asking the Great to meals, of giving them books or pictures or betraying towards them in any[Pg 206] fashion a spirit of true companionship, he bursts; and that, as a rule, after a delay quite incredibly short. Some men of fair substance have to my knowledge been wholly ruined in this manner within the space of one parliamentary session, a hunting season, or even a single week at Cowes, in the Isle32 of Wight; from which spot I send these presents, and where, by the way, at the time of writing, the stock of forage33 in the forecastle is extremely low, with no supplies forthcoming from the mainland.
God bless you!
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1
profess
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| v.声称，冒称，以...为业，正式接受入教，表明信仰 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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prematurely
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| adv.过早地，贸然地 | |
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hereditary
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| adj.遗传的，遗传性的，可继承的，世袭的 | |
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patronage
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| n.赞助，支援，援助；光顾，捧场 | |
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wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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paradox
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| n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物) | |
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8
averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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9
advancement
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| n.前进，促进，提升 | |
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10
vilified
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| v.中伤，诽谤( vilify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
allusion
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| n.暗示，间接提示 | |
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12
professing
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| 声称( profess的现在分词 )； 宣称； 公开表明； 信奉 | |
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13
curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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14
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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15
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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16
aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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squire
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| n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅 | |
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18
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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19
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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20
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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21
celebrity
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| n.名人，名流；著名，名声，名望 | |
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22
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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23
repudiate
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| v.拒绝，拒付，拒绝履行 | |
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24
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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25
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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27
spotted
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| adj.有斑点的，斑纹的，弄污了的 | |
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pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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29
bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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30
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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31
countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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32
isle
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| n.小岛，岛 | |
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forage
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| n.(牛马的)饲料，粮草；v.搜寻，翻寻 | |
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