AS soon as he had handed over his work to Frazer and closed his office for the day, Scobie started out for the Nissen. He drove with his eyes half-closed, looking straight ahead: he told himself, now, today, I am going to clean up, whatever the cost. Life is going to start again: this nightmare of love is finished. It seemed to him that it had died for ever the previous night under the petrol drums. The sun blazed down on his hands, which were stuck to the wheel by sweat
His mind was so concentrated on what had to come - the opening of a door, a few words, and closing a door again for ever - that he nearly passed Helen on the road. She was walking down the hill towards him, hatless. She didn’t even see the car. He had to run after her and catch her up. When she turned it was the face he had seen at Pende carried past him - defeated, broken, as ageless as a smashed glass.
‘What are you doing here? In the sun, without a hat.’
She said vaguely1, ‘I was looking for you,’ standing2 there, dithering on the laterite.
‘Come back to the car. You’ll get sunstroke.’ A look of cunning came into her eyes. ‘Is it as easy as all that?’ she asked, but she obeyed him.
They sat side by side in the car. There seemed to be no object in driving farther: one could say good-bye here as easily as there. She said, ‘I heard this morning about Ali. Did you do it?’
‘I didn’t cut his throat myself,’ he said. ‘But he died because I existed.’
‘Do you know who did?’
‘I don’t know who held the knife. A wharf3 rat, I suppose,
Yusef s boy who was with him has disappeared. Perhaps he did it or perhaps he’s dead too. We will never prove anything, I doubt if Yusef intended it’
‘You know,’ she said, ‘this is the end for us. I can’t go on ruining you any more. Don’t speak. Let me speak. I never thought it would be like this. Other people seem to have love affairs which start and end and are happy, but with us it doesn’t work. It seems to be all or nothing. So it’s got to be nothing. Please don’t speak. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks. I’m going to go away - right right away.’
‘Where to?’
‘I told you not to speak. Don’t ask questions.’ He could see in the windscreen a pale reflection of her desperation. It seemed to him as though he were being torn apart. ‘Darling,’ she said, ‘don’t think it’s easy. I’ve never done anything so hard. It would be so much easier to die. You come into every’ thing. I can never again see a Nissen hut - or a Morris car. Or taste a pink gin. See a black face. Even a bed ... one has to steep in a bed. I don’t know where I’ll get away from you. It’s no use saying in a year it will be all right It’s a year I’ve got to get through. All the time knowing you are somewhere. I could send a telegram or a letter and you’d have to read it, even if you didn’t reply.’ He thought: how much easier it would be for her if I were dead. ‘But I mustn’t write,’ she said. She wasn’t crying: her eyes when he took a quick glance were dry and red, as he remembered them in hospital, exhausted4. ‘Waking up will be the worst. There’s always a moment when one forgets that everything’s different.’
He said, ‘I came up here to say good-bye too. But there are things I can’t do.’
‘Don’t talk, darling. Dm being good. Can’t you see I’m being good? You don’t have to go away from me - I’m going away from you. You won’t ever know where to. I hope I won’t be too much of a slut’
‘No,’ he said, ‘no.’
‘Be quiet darling. You are going to be all right you’ll see. You’ll be able to clean up. You’ll be a Catholic again - that’s what you really want, isn’t it, not a pack of women?’
‘I want to stop giving pain,’ he said.
‘You want peace, dear. You’ll have peace. You’ll see. Everything will be all right.’ She put her hand on his knee and began at last to weep in this effort to comfort him. He thought: where did she pick up this heartbreaking tenderness? Where do they learn to be so old so quickly?
‘Look, dear. Don’t come up to the hut. Open the car door for me. It’s stiff. Well say good-bye here, and you’ll just drive home - or to the office if you’d rather. That’s so much easier. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right’ He thought I missed that one death and now I’m having them all. He leant over her and wrenched5 at the car door: her tears touched his cheek. He could feel the mark like a burn. ‘There’s no objection to a farewell kiss. We haven’t quarrelled. There hasn’t been a scene. There’s no bitterness.’ As they kissed he was aware of pain under his mouth like the beating of a bird’s heart. They sat still, silent and the door of the car lay open. A few black labourers passing down the hill looked curiously6 hi.
She said, ‘I can’t believe that this is the last time: that I’ll get out and you’ll drive away, and we won’t see each other again ever. I won’t go outside more than I can help till I get right away. I’ll be up here and you’ll be down there. Oh, God, I wish I hadn’t got the furniture you brought me.’
‘It’s just official furniture.’
‘The cane7 is broken in one of the chairs where you sat down too quickly.’
‘Dear, dear, this isn’t the way.’
‘Don’t speak, darling. I’m really being quite good, but I can’t say these things to another living soul. In books there’s always a confidant. But I haven’t got a confidant. I must say them all once.’ He thought again: if I were dead, she would be free of me. One forgets the dead quite quickly; one doesn’t wonder about the dead - what is he doing now, who is he with? This for her is the hard way.
‘Now, darling, I’m going to do it. Shut your eyes. Count three hundred slowly, and I won’t be in sight Turn the car quickly and drive like hell. I don’t want to see you go. And I’ll stop my ears. I don’t want to hear you change gear at the bottom of the hill. Cars do that a hundred times a day. I don’t want to hear you change gear.’
O God, he prayed, his hands dripping over the wheel, kill me now, now. My God, you’ll never have more complete contrition8. What a mess I am. I carry suffering with me like a body smell. Kill me. Put an end to me. Vermin don’t have to exterminate9 themselves. Kill me. Now. Now. Now.
‘Shut your eyes, darling. This is the end. Really the end.’ She said hopelessly, ‘It seems so silly though.’
He said, ‘I won’t shut my eyes. I won’t leave you. I promised that.’
‘You aren’t leaving me. I’m leaving you.’
‘It won’t work. We love each other. It won’t work. I’d be up this evening to see how you were. I couldn’t steep...’
‘You can always sleep. I’ve never known such a sleeper10. Oh, my dear, look. I’m beginning to laugh at you again just as though we weren’t saying good-bye.’
‘We aren’t. Not yet.’
‘But I’m only ruining you. I can’t give you any happiness,’
‘Happiness isn’t the point.’
‘I’d made up my mind.’
‘So had I.’
‘But, darling, what do we do?’ She surrendered completely. ‘I don’t mind going on as we are. I don’t mind the lies. Anything.’
‘Just leave it to me. I’ve got to think.’ He leant over her and closed the door of the car. Before the lock had clicked he had made his decision.
2
Scobie watched the small boy as he cleared away the evening meal, watched him come in and go out, watched the bare feet flap the floor. Louise said, ‘I know it’s a terrible thing, dear, but you’ve got to put it behind you. You can’t help Ali now.’ A new parcel of books had come from England and he watched her cutting the leaves of a volume of verse. There was more grey in her hair than when she had left for South Africa, but she looked, it seemed to him, yean younger because she was paying more attention to make-up: her dressing-table was Uttered with the pots and bottles and tubes she had brought back from the south. Ali’s death meant little to her: why should it? It was the sense of guilt11 that made it so important. Otherwise one didn’t grieve for a death. When he was young, he had thought love had something to do with understanding, but with age he knew that no human being understood another. Love was the wish to understand, and presently with constant failure the wish died, and love died too perhaps or changed into this painful affection, loyalty12, pity ... She sat there, reading poetry, and she was a thousand miles away from the torment13 that shook his hand and dried his mouth. She would understand, he thought, if I were in a book, but would I understand her if she were just a character? I don’t read that sort of book.
‘Haven’t you anything to read, dear?’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t feel much like reading.’
She closed her book, and it occurred to him that after all she had her own effort to make: she tried to help. Sometimes he wondered with horror whether perhaps she knew everything, whether that complacent14 face which she had worn since her return masked misery15. She said, ‘Let’s talk about Christmas.’
‘It’s still a long way off,’ he said quickly.
‘Before you know it will be on us. I was wondering whether we could give a party. We’ve always been out to dinner: it ‘would be fun to have people here. Perhaps on Christmas Eve.’
‘Just what you like.’
‘We could all go on then to Midnight Mass. Of course you and I would have to remember to drink nothing after ten - but the others could do as they pleased.’
He looked up at her with momentary16 hatred17 as she sat so cheerfully there, so smugly, it seemed to him, arranging his further damnation. He was going to be Commissioner18. She had what she wanted - her sort of success, everything was all right with her now. He thought: it was the hysterical19 woman who felt the world laughing behind her back that I loved. I love failure: I can’t love success. And how successful she looks, sitting there, one of the saved, and he saw laid across that wide face like a news-screen the body of Ali under the black drums, the exhausted eyes of Helen, and an the faces of the lost, his companions in exile, the unrepentant thief, the soldier with the sponge. Thinking of what he had done and was going to do, he thought, even God is a failure. ‘What is it, Ticki? Are you still worrying...?’ But he couldn’t tell her the entreaty20 that was on his lips: let me pity you again, be disappointed, unattractive, be a failure so that I can love you once more without this bitter gap between us. Time is short. I want to love you too at the end. He said slowly, ‘It’s the pain. It’s over now. When it comes -’ he remembered the phrase of the textbook - ‘it’s like a vice21.’
‘You must see the doctor, Ticki.’
‘I’ll see him tomorrow. I was going to anyway because of my sleeplessness22.’
‘Your sleeplessness? But, Ticki, you sleep like a log.’
‘Not the last week.’
‘You’re imagining it.’
‘No. I wake up about two and can’t sleep again - till just before we are called. Don’t worry. I’ll get some tablets.’
‘I hate drugs.’
‘I won’t go on long enough to form a habit’
‘We must get you right for Christmas, Ticki.’
‘I’ll be all right by Christmas.’ He came stiffly across the room to her, imitating the bearing of a man who fears that pain may return again, and put his hand against her breast. ‘Don’t worry.’ Hatred went out of him at the touch - she wasn’t as successful as all that: she would never be married to the Commissioner of Police.
After she had gone to bed he took out his diary. In this record at least he had never lied. At the worst he had omitted. He had checked his temperatures as carefully as a sea captain making up his log. He had never exaggerated or minimized, and he had never indulged in speculation23. All he had written here was fact. November 1, Early Mass with Louise. Spent morning on larceny24 case at Mrs Onoko’s. Temperature 91° at 2. Saw Y. at his office. Ali found murdered. The statement was as plain and simple as that other time when he had written: C. died.
‘November 2.’ He sat a long while with that date in front of him, so long that presently Louise called down to him. He replied carefully, ‘Go to sleep, dear. If I sit up late, I may be able to steep properly.’ But already, exhausted by the day and by all the plans that had to be laid, he was near to nodding at the table. He went to his ice-box and wrapping a piece of ice in his handkerchief rested it against his forehead until sleep receded25. November 2. Again he picked up his pen: this was his death-warrant he was signing. He wrote: Saw Helen for a few minutes. (It was always safer to leave no facts for anyone else to unearth26.) Temperature at 2, 92°. In the evening return of pain. Fear angina. He looked up the pages of the entries for a week back and added an occasional note. Slept very badly. Bad night. Sleeplessness continues. He read the entries over carefully: they would be read later by the coroner, by the insurance inspectors27. They seemed to him to be in his usual manner. Then he put the ice back on his forehead to drive sleep away. It was still only half after midnight: it would be better not to go to bed before two.
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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wharf
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| n.码头，停泊处 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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wrenched
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| v.（猛力地）扭( wrench的过去式和过去分词 )；扭伤；使感到痛苦；使悲痛 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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7
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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8
contrition
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| n.悔罪，痛悔 | |
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9
exterminate
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| v.扑灭，消灭，根绝 | |
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sleeper
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| n.睡眠者，卧车，卧铺 | |
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11
guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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complacent
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| adj.自满的；自鸣得意的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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17
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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commissioner
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| n.（政府厅、局、处等部门）专员，长官，委员 | |
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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entreaty
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| n.恳求，哀求 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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22
sleeplessness
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| n.失眠，警觉 | |
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23
speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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24
larceny
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| n.盗窃（罪） | |
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25
receded
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| v.逐渐远离( recede的过去式和过去分词 )；向后倾斜；自原处后退或避开别人的注视；尤指问题 | |
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26
unearth
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| v.发掘，掘出，从洞中赶出 | |
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27
inspectors
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| n.检查员( inspector的名词复数 )；（英国公共汽车或火车上的）查票员；（警察）巡官；检阅官 | |
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