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Chapter IV
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 Without being able to give a satisfactory explanation of my feelings I grew unhappier from day to day, and at times when I was most sad I became conscious of a story in my head, and wrote it down, but tore the paper up again without ever showing it to anybody. My dearest wish was to be sent to Krems, so that I also might join the seminary for school-teachers, and I wondered in my heart of hearts whether Hilda would speak to me then. As a matter of course that secret longing1 was in vain.
 
The time when I was to leave school approached at last, and I hailed that event with great delight, for I rejoiced at the thought that in the future I should not be compelled to meet Leopoldine. I had time to spare now, but I did not help my mother with her housework any more than before. I did not like staying at home, and wanted to go away. But whenever I mentioned the subject my mother declared that she could not spare me yet, and that in any case I was too young to face the world alone. I felt exceedingly impatient, grew very discontented, silent towards my mother and my two bigger sisters, and spent, in spite of the noisy company around me, a very lonely life. My poems were the only joy I had; they used to come again and again, but I kept them as secret as before.
 
During the course of these events I had entered on my fifteenth year, and into my discontent and restlessness there began to twine2 themselves the thoughts, the dreams, and the wishes of a girl of my age. I knew that all the girls who had left school with me were already associating with young men, and I wondered which of the young men of the village I could love. But I soon discovered that there were none at all who pleased me, because they were all very rude, and constantly alluding3 to things which made me blush. Contempt and disgust were the only feelings they aroused within me, and it was clear to me that Langenau did not hold the hero of my dreams.
 
The young men themselves hated me. Whenever they spoke4 to me I responded shortly and tartly5, and if any of them tried to pinch my arm or stroke my cheek, I stepped back and uttered an angry exclamation6. After that they used to say that I had better not be so affected7, if they were good enough to look at me despite the fact that my people were deeply in debt. I was perfectly8 used to such words, and knew that those who spoke them were speaking the truth, since the same thing was said at home without anyone contradicting it.
 
Owing to the fact that my father could afford the fees no longer, my brother had been compelled to leave the High School, and was serving his time in a business.
 
I suffered under these conditions more than I can ever say. My only wish was to go away from Langenau and to live in some place where nobody knew me and where nobody could reproach me. But my mother would not hear of such a thing. Whenever I spoke about it she comforted me with the idea of getting away later, and I gave in, simply because I could do nothing else.
 
It was one of my daily occupations to chop up wood in a little shed. The shed was situated9 at the back of the house, and close to the wine-cellar that belonged to the landlord. Wealthy people from Vienna or the surroundings used to buy wine from our landlord, and not infrequently a gentleman went down into the cellar, and with the landlord sampled the different wines. One afternoon I was chopping wood again—I loved doing it merely because I was all alone in the shed, and my thoughts could come and go undisturbed. I stood with my back against the door, and was both chopping and thinking diligently10 when a shadow fell suddenly across the wooden sides of the shed; and turning round I saw one of the gentlemen who used to visit the wine-cellar. He smiled at me and started a conversation—whether the rough work pleased me, and so forth11. First I felt ashamed of having been observed, but his winning, open manner soon banished12 my shyness. While he was speaking he smiled and entered the shed. But in spite of his friendliness13 I felt all at once terribly afraid. I lifted the chopper as if to protect myself, and said: "Will you please go out?" He smiled with even more friendliness, and I saw that his teeth were white and even.
 
"How shy you are, little one! all I should like to have is a kiss."
 
I pressed myself hard against the wooden wall, set my lips tightly, and raised the chopper higher still. He must have read in my face something of my determination, because he started to whistle suddenly, and went out of the shed, going backwards14 as he left. I would have killed him had he dared to touch me.
 
A young man visited our village sometimes in order to collect sums of money due to a life insurance company. My parents were in no way insured, but every month the people next door received a call from him. One day, instead of the young fellow, a smartly-dressed man appeared who told our neighbours that he was the manager of the company, and that he himself was collecting on this occasion, because frauds had been discovered in connection with the young fellow who had collected previously15. After he had left them he knocked at our door, and entered in the politest fashion possible. He looked so very smart that my mother wiped a chair with her apron16 and invited him to sit down. It was summer, and very hot. The manager seemed to be tired, and asked for a glass of water. After my mother had filled one of her best glasses with clear and cool well-water, he emptied it at one draught17, after which he stretched his legs and glanced searchingly through our little room, that looked poor indeed but was kept very clean. My mother, who is but a plain woman, felt much flattered at the sight of his unmistakable comfort, and tried in her humble18 way to draw him into conversation.
 
"Dear madam," the manager said at last, "do you by any chance know of a young girl who could help my wife with her housework?"
 
I sat at the window with a half-knitted stocking in my hands, and slowly let it sink.
 
"What I need," continued the grand gentleman, "is a nice girl who will mind the children and make herself generally useful."
 
My mother was just going to say that at present she knew of nobody, but that she could make inquiries19 if the gentleman wished—or something of that sort—when I got up and, standing20 before the manager, said: "Perhaps I could be of some use to you?"
 
Scarcely had I uttered these words when I felt terrified at the courage I had shown, and thought that I must have said something very silly and rude. The manager, however, did not seem to have the same idea, because he smiled and nodded his head.
 
"That would be excellent," and, after a little pause, addressing himself to my mother, he asked, "When could she come?"
 
I was quite prepared to hear my mother reply that I could not go at all, or even to see her bursting into tears, and was therefore greatly surprised at what she replied: "If you really care to try her, I could send her next week."
 
At these words I scarcely managed to suppress a cry of delight. The gentleman then said that he lived at Krems, and that I could come home sometimes. The day of my arrival as well as a few other things having been settled, the manager bowed himself out. As soon as the door had closed behind him I glanced rather shyly at my mother, but she looked into my eyes steadily21 and said: "As you absolutely will not stay at home, it is best that you should go soon to see for yourself what the world is like." And after a moment she added: "Perhaps you will have good luck."
 
During the rest of the day I tried to do everything I could to please my mother. I sang the youngest child to sleep, and told the elder ones stories. In the evening when the children had gone to bed, I promised my mother that I would work hard and try to save up a little money. When my father came home and heard of my decision, all he said was that he hoped I could stand the hardship of service.
 
The week passed rapidly; my mother washed and ironed the few pieces of underclothing I possessed22, and I mended them as much as possible. I would have liked very much to buy a little trunk, but my father said that he had not enough money, so I packed my belongings23 into brown paper, and tied up the small parcel with a thick string.
 
The manager had arranged to come and fetch me himself. On the appointed day I stood in my Sunday dress and a faded straw hat, which I had decorated with a new bright ribbon, awaiting him in our best room. He arrived very soon; my mother had laid the table, and brought in the steaming hot coffee and some appetizing white bread. After the manager had helped himself to enormous portions, he prepared to depart. I had neither touched the coffee nor the bread, feeling sick at heart, although nothing could have induced me to make such a confession24. Several times I ran into the kitchen as if to fetch something, but in reality I wanted to wipe away the tears quickly and secretly. The parting came at last, a scene that could only be a simple one to such a simple woman as my mother, although behind her coloured frock the dear, faithful heart trembled and ached....
 
"Be good," she called after me, and I nodded back this time with tears in my eyes.
 

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 longing 98bzd     
n.(for)渴望
参考例句:
  • Hearing the tune again sent waves of longing through her.再次听到那首曲子使她胸中充满了渴望。
  • His heart burned with longing for revenge.他心中燃烧着急欲复仇的怒火。
2 twine vg6yC     
v.搓,织,编饰;(使)缠绕
参考例句:
  • He tied the parcel with twine.他用细绳捆包裹。
  • Their cardboard boxes were wrapped and tied neatly with waxed twine.他们的纸板盒用蜡线扎得整整齐齐。
3 alluding ac37fbbc50fb32efa49891d205aa5a0a     
提及,暗指( allude的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • He didn't mention your name but I was sure he was alluding to you. 他没提你的名字,但是我确信他是暗指你的。
  • But in fact I was alluding to my physical deficiencies. 可我实在是为自己的容貌寒心。
4 spoke XryyC     
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说
参考例句:
  • They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
  • The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。
5 tartly 0gtzl5     
adv.辛辣地,刻薄地
参考例句:
  • She finished by tartly pointing out that he owed her some money. 她最后刻薄地指出他欠她一些钱。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Kay said tartly, "And you're more Yankee than Italian. 恺酸溜溜他说:“可你哪,与其说是意大利人,还不如说是新英格兰人。 来自教父部分
6 exclamation onBxZ     
n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词
参考例句:
  • He could not restrain an exclamation of approval.他禁不住喝一声采。
  • The author used three exclamation marks at the end of the last sentence to wake up the readers.作者在文章的最后一句连用了三个惊叹号,以引起读者的注意。
7 affected TzUzg0     
adj.不自然的,假装的
参考例句:
  • She showed an affected interest in our subject.她假装对我们的课题感到兴趣。
  • His manners are affected.他的态度不自然。
8 perfectly 8Mzxb     
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
  • Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。
9 situated JiYzBH     
adj.坐落在...的,处于某种境地的
参考例句:
  • The village is situated at the margin of a forest.村子位于森林的边缘。
  • She is awkwardly situated.她的处境困难。
10 diligently gueze5     
ad.industriously;carefully
参考例句:
  • He applied himself diligently to learning French. 他孜孜不倦地学法语。
  • He had studied diligently at college. 他在大学里勤奋学习。
11 forth Hzdz2     
adv.向前;向外,往外
参考例句:
  • The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
  • He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。
12 banished b779057f354f1ec8efd5dd1adee731df     
v.放逐,驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • He was banished to Australia, where he died five years later. 他被流放到澳大利亚,五年后在那里去世。
  • He was banished to an uninhabited island for a year. 他被放逐到一个无人居住的荒岛一年。 来自《简明英汉词典》
13 friendliness nsHz8c     
n.友谊,亲切,亲密
参考例句:
  • Behind the mask of friendliness,I know he really dislikes me.在友善的面具后面,我知道他其实并不喜欢我。
  • His manner was a blend of friendliness and respect.他的态度友善且毕恭毕敬。
14 backwards BP9ya     
adv.往回地,向原处,倒,相反,前后倒置地
参考例句:
  • He turned on the light and began to pace backwards and forwards.他打开电灯并开始走来走去。
  • All the girls fell over backwards to get the party ready.姑娘们迫不及待地为聚会做准备。
15 previously bkzzzC     
adv.以前,先前(地)
参考例句:
  • The bicycle tyre blew out at a previously damaged point.自行车胎在以前损坏过的地方又爆开了。
  • Let me digress for a moment and explain what had happened previously.让我岔开一会儿,解释原先发生了什么。
16 apron Lvzzo     
n.围裙;工作裙
参考例句:
  • We were waited on by a pretty girl in a pink apron.招待我们的是一位穿粉红色围裙的漂亮姑娘。
  • She stitched a pocket on the new apron.她在新围裙上缝上一只口袋。
17 draught 7uyzIH     
n.拉,牵引,拖;一网(饮,吸,阵);顿服药量,通风;v.起草,设计
参考例句:
  • He emptied his glass at one draught.他将杯中物一饮而尽。
  • It's a pity the room has no north window and you don't get a draught.可惜这房间没北窗,没有过堂风。
18 humble ddjzU     
adj.谦卑的,恭顺的;地位低下的;v.降低,贬低
参考例句:
  • In my humble opinion,he will win the election.依我拙见,他将在选举中获胜。
  • Defeat and failure make people humble.挫折与失败会使人谦卑。
19 inquiries 86a54c7f2b27c02acf9fcb16a31c4b57     
n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听
参考例句:
  • He was released on bail pending further inquiries. 他获得保释,等候进一步调查。
  • I have failed to reach them by postal inquiries. 我未能通过邮政查询与他们取得联系。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
20 standing 2hCzgo     
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的
参考例句:
  • After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
  • They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。
21 steadily Qukw6     
adv.稳定地;不变地;持续地
参考例句:
  • The scope of man's use of natural resources will steadily grow.人类利用自然资源的广度将日益扩大。
  • Our educational reform was steadily led onto the correct path.我们的教学改革慢慢上轨道了。
22 possessed xuyyQ     
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的
参考例句:
  • He flew out of the room like a man possessed.他像着了魔似地猛然冲出房门。
  • He behaved like someone possessed.他行为举止像是魔怔了。
23 belongings oy6zMv     
n.私人物品,私人财物
参考例句:
  • I put a few personal belongings in a bag.我把几件私人物品装进包中。
  • Your personal belongings are not dutiable.个人物品不用纳税。
24 confession 8Ygye     
n.自白,供认,承认
参考例句:
  • Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
  • The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。


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