"I remember one summer when me and my partner, Andy Tucker, tried to take a layoff2 from our professional and business duties; but it seems that our work followed us wherever we went.
"Now, with a preacher it's different. He can throw off his responsibilities and enjoy himself. On the 31st of May he wraps mosquito netting and tin foil around the pulpit, grabs his niblick, breviary and fishing pole and hikes for Lake Como or Atlantic City according to the size of the loudness with which he has been called by his congregation. And, sir, for three months he don't have to think about business except to hunt around in Deuteronomy and Proverbs and Timothy to find texts to cover and exculpate3 such little midsummer penances4 as dropping a couple of looey door on rouge5 or teaching a Presbyterian widow to swim.
"But I was going to tell you about mine and Andy's summer vacation that wasn't one.
"We was tired of finance and all the branches of unsanctified ingenuity6. Even Andy, whose brain rarely ever stopped working, began to make noises like a tennis cabinet.
"'Heigh ho!' says Andy. 'I'm tired. I've got that steam up the yacht Corsair and ho for the Riviera! feeling. I want to loaf and indict7 my soul, as Walt Whittier says. I want to play pinochle with Merry del Val or give a knouting to the tenants8 on my Tarrytown estates or do a monologue9 at a Chautauqua picnic in kilts or something summery and outside the line of routine and sand-bagging.'
"'Patience,' says I. 'You'll have to climb higher in the profession before you can taste the laurels10 that crown the footprints of the great captains of industry. Now, what I'd like, Andy,' says I, 'would be a summer sojourn11 in a mountain village far from scenes of larceny12, labor13 and overcapitalization. I'm tired, too, and a month or so of sinlessness ought to leave us in good shape to begin again to take away the white man's burdens in the fall.'
"Andy fell in with the rest cure at once, so we struck the general passenger agents of all the railroads for summer resort literature, and took a week to study out where we should go. I reckon the first passenger agent in the world was that man Genesis. But there wasn't much competition in his day, and when he said: 'The Lord made the earth in six days, and all very good,' he hadn't any idea to what extent the press agents of the summer hotels would plagiarize14 from him later on.
"When we finished the booklets we perceived, easy, that the United States from Passadumkeg, Maine, to El Paso, and from Skagway to Key West was a paradise of glorious mountain peaks, crystal lakes, new laid eggs, golf, girls, garages, cooling breezes, straw rides, open plumbing15 and tennis; and all within two hours' ride.
"So me and Andy dumps the books out the back window and packs our trunk and takes the 6 o'clock Tortoise Flyer for Crow Knob, a kind of a dernier resort in the mountains on the line of Tennessee and North Carolina.
"We was directed to a kind of private hotel called Woodchuck Inn, and thither16 me and Andy bent17 and almost broke our footsteps over the rocks and stumps18. The Inn set back from the road in a big grove19 of trees, and it looked fine with its broad porches and a lot of women in white dresses rocking in the shade. The rest of Crow Knob was a post office and some scenery set an angle of forty-five degrees and a welkin.
"Well, sir, when we got to the gate who do you suppose comes down the walk to greet us? Old Smoke-'em-out Smithers, who used to be the best open air painless dentist and electric liver pad faker in the Southwest.
"Old Smoke-'em-out is dressed clerico-rural, and has the mingled20 air of a landlord and a claim jumper. Which aspect he corroborates21 by telling us that he is the host and perpetrator of Woodchuck Inn. I introduces Andy, and we talk about a few volatile22 topics, such as will go around at meetings of boards of directors and old associates like us three were. Old Smoke-'em-out leads us into a kind of summer house in the yard near the gate and took up the harp23 of life and smote24 on all the chords with his mighty25 right.
"'Gents,' says he, 'I'm glad to see you. Maybe you can help me out of a scrape. I'm getting a bit old for street work, so I leased this dogdays emporium so the good things would come to me. Two weeks before the season opened I gets a letter signed Lieut. Peary and one from the Duke of Marlborough, each wanting to engage board for part of the summer.
"'Well, sir, you gents know what a big thing for an obscure hustlery it would be to have for guests two gentlemen whose names are famous from long association with icebergs26 and the Coburgs. So I prints a lot of handbills announcing that Woodchuck Inn would shelter these distinguished27 boarders during the summer, except in places where it leaked, and I sends 'em out to towns around as far as Knoxville and Charlotte and Fish Dam and Bowling28 Green.
"'And now look up there on the porch, gents,' says Smoke-'em-out, 'at them disconsolate29 specimens30 of their fair sex waiting for the arrival of the Duke and the Lieutenant31. The house is packed from rafters to cellar with hero worshippers.
"'There's four normal school teachers and two abnormal; there's three high school graduates between 37 and 42; there's two literary old maids and one that can write; there's a couple of society women and a lady from Haw River. Two elocutionists are bunking32 in the corn crib, and I've put cots in the hay loft33 for the cook and the society editress of the Chattanooga Opera Glass. You see how names draw, gents.'
"'Well,' says I, 'how is it that you seem to be biting your thumbs at good luck? You didn't use to be that way.'
"'I ain't through,' says Smoke-'em-out. 'Yesterday was the day for the advent34 of the auspicious35 personages. I goes down to the depot36 to welcome 'em. Two apparently37 animate38 substances gets off the train, both carrying bags full of croquet mallets and these magic lanterns with pushbuttons.
"I compares these integers with the original signatures to the letters—and, well, gents, I reckon the mistake was due to my poor eyesight. Instead of being the Lieutenant, the daisy chain and wild verbena explorer was none other than Levi T. Peevy, a soda39 water clerk from Asheville. And the Duke of Marlborough turned out to be Theo. Drake of Murfreesborough, a bookkeeper in a grocery. What did I do? I kicked 'em both back on the train and watched 'em depart for the lowlands, the low.
"'Now you see the fix I'm in, gents,' goes on Smoke-'em-out Smithers. 'I told the ladies that the notorious visitors had been detained on the road by some unavoidable circumstances that made a noise like an ice jam and an heiress, but they would arrive a day or two later. When they find out that they've been deceived,' says Smoke-'em-out, 'every yard of cross barred muslin and natural waved switch in the house will pack up and leave. It's a hard deal,' says old Smoke-'em-out.
"'Friend,' says Andy, touching40 the old man on the æsophagus, 'why this jeremiad41 when the polar regions and the portals of Blenheim are conspiring42 to hand you prosperity on a hall-marked silver salver. We have arrived.'
"A light breaks out on Smoke-'em-out's face.
"'Can you do it, gents?' he asks. 'Could ye do it? Could ye play the polar man and the little duke for the nice ladies? Will ye do it?'
"I see that Andy is superimposed with his old hankering for the oral and polyglot43 system of buncoing. That man had a vocabulary of about 10,000 words and synonyms44, which arrayed themselves into contraband45 sophistries46 and parables47 when they came out.
"'Listen,' says Andy to old Smoke-'em-out. 'Can we do it? You behold48 before you, Mr. Smithers, two of the finest equipped men on earth for inveigling49 the proletariat, whether by word of mouth, sleight-of-hand or swiftness of foot. Dukes come and go, explorers go and get lost, but me and Jeff Peters,' says Andy, 'go after the come-ons forever. If you say so, we're the two illustrious guests you were expecting. And you'll find,' says Andy, 'that we'll give you the true local color of the title rôles from the aurora50 borealis to the ducal portcullis.'
"Old Smoke-'em-out is delighted. He takes me and Andy up to the inn by an arm apiece, telling us on the way that the finest fruits of the can and luxuries of the fast freights should be ours without price as long as we would stay.
"On the porch Smoke-'em-out says: 'Ladies, I have the honor to introduce His Gracefulness51 the Duke of Marlborough and the famous inventor of the North Pole, Lieut. Peary.'
"The skirts all flutter and the rocking chairs squeak52 as me and Andy bows and then goes on in with old Smoke-'em-out to register. And then we washed up and turned our cuffs53, and the landlord took us to the rooms he'd been saving for us and got out a demijohn of North Carolina real mountain dew.
"I expected trouble when Andy began to drink. He has the artistic54 metempsychosis which is half drunk when sober and looks down on airships when stimulated56.
"After lingering with the demijohn me and Andy goes out on the porch, where the ladies are to begin to earn our keep. We sit in two special chairs and then the schoolma'ams and literaterrers hunched57 their rockers close around us.
"One lady says to me: 'How did that last venture of yours turn out, sir?'
"Now, I'd clean forgot to have an understanding with Andy which I was to be, the duke or the lieutenant. And I couldn't tell from her question whether she was referring to Arctic or matrimonial expeditions. So I gave an answer that would cover both cases.
"'Well, ma'am,' says I, 'it was a freeze out—right smart of a freeze out, ma'am.'
"And then the flood gates of Andy's perorations58 was opened and I knew which one of the renowned59 ostensible60 guests I was supposed to be. I wasn't either. Andy was both. And still furthermore it seemed that he was trying to be the mouthpiece of the whole British nobility and of Arctic exploration from Sir John Franklin down. It was the union of corn whiskey and the conscientious61 fictional62 form that Mr. W. D. Howletts admires so much.
"'Ladies,' says Andy, smiling semicircularly, 'I am truly glad to visit America. I do not consider the magna charta,' says he, 'or gas balloons or snow-shoes in any way a detriment63 to the beauty and charm of your American women, skyscrapers64 or the architecture of your icebergs. The next time,' says Andy, 'that I go after the North Pole all the Vanderbilts in Greenland won't be able to turn me out in the cold—I mean make it hot for me.'
"'Tell us about one of your trips, Lieutenant,' says one of the normals.
"'Sure,' says Andy, getting the decision over a hiccup65. 'It was in the spring of last year that I sailed the Castle of Blenheim up to latitude66 87 degrees Fahrenheit67 and beat the record. Ladies,' says Andy, 'it was a sad sight to see a Duke allied68 by a civil and liturgical69 chattel70 mortgage to one of your first families lost in a region of semiannual days.' And then he goes on, 'At four bells we sighted Westminster Abbey, but there was not a drop to eat. At noon we threw out five sandbags, and the ship rose fifteen knots higher. At midnight,' continues Andy, 'the restaurants closed. Sitting on a cake of ice we ate seven hot dogs. All around us was snow and ice. Six times a night the boatswain rose up and tore a leaf off the calendar, so we could keep time with the barometer71. At 12,' says Andy, with a lot of anguish72 on his face, 'three huge polar bears sprang down the hatchway, into the cabin. And then—'
"'What then, Lieutenant?' says a schoolma'am, excitedly.
"'The Duchess shook me,' he cries out, and slides out of the chair and weeps on the porch.
"Well, of course, that fixed73 the scheme. The women boarders all left the next morning. The landlord wouldn't speak to us for two days, but when he found we had money to pay our way he loosened up.
"So me and Andy had a quiet, restful summer after all, coming away from Crow Knob with $1,100, that we enticed74 out of old Smoke-'em-out playing seven up."
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1
watts
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| （电力计量单位）瓦，瓦特( watt的名词复数 ) | |
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layoff
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| n.临时解雇，操作停止，活动停止期间，失业期 | |
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exculpate
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| v.开脱，使无罪 | |
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penances
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| n.（赎罪的）苦行，苦修( penance的名词复数 ) | |
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rouge
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| n.胭脂，口红唇膏；v.(在…上)擦口红 | |
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6
ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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indict
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| v.起诉，控告，指控 | |
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tenants
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| n.房客( tenant的名词复数 )；佃户；占用者；占有者 | |
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monologue
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| n.长篇大论，（戏剧等中的）独白 | |
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laurels
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| n.桂冠，荣誉 | |
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sojourn
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| v./n.旅居，寄居；逗留 | |
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12
larceny
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| n.盗窃（罪） | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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14
plagiarize
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| v.剽窃，抄袭（别人学说、著作） | |
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15
plumbing
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| n.水管装置；水暖工的工作；管道工程v.用铅锤测量（plumb的现在分词）；探究 | |
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16
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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17
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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18
stumps
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| （被砍下的树的）树桩( stump的名词复数 )； 残肢； （板球三柱门的）柱； 残余部分 | |
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19
grove
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| n.林子，小树林，园林 | |
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20
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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21
corroborates
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| v.证实，支持（某种说法、信仰、理论等）( corroborate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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22
volatile
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| adj.反复无常的，挥发性的，稍纵即逝的，脾气火爆的；n.挥发性物质 | |
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23
harp
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| n.竖琴；天琴座 | |
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smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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icebergs
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| n.冰山，流冰( iceberg的名词复数 ) | |
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27
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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bowling
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| n.保龄球运动 | |
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disconsolate
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| adj.忧郁的，不快的 | |
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30
specimens
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| n.样品( specimen的名词复数 )；范例；（化验的）抽样；某种类型的人 | |
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31
lieutenant
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| n.陆军中尉，海军上尉；代理官员，副职官员 | |
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32
bunking
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| v.（车、船等倚壁而设的）铺位( bunk的现在分词 )；空话，废话 | |
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loft
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| n.阁楼，顶楼 | |
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advent
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| n.(重要事件等的)到来，来临 | |
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auspicious
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| adj.吉利的；幸运的，吉兆的 | |
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36
depot
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| n.仓库，储藏处；公共汽车站；火车站 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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38
animate
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| v.赋于生命，鼓励；adj.有生命的，有生气的 | |
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39
soda
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| n.苏打水；汽水 | |
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40
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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41
jeremiad
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| n.悲欢；悲诉 | |
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42
conspiring
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| 密谋( conspire的现在分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致 | |
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43
polyglot
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| adj.通晓数种语言的；n.通晓多种语言的人 | |
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44
synonyms
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| 同义词( synonym的名词复数 ) | |
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45
contraband
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| n.违禁品，走私品 | |
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46
sophistries
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| n.诡辩术( sophistry的名词复数 )；（一次）诡辩 | |
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47
parables
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| n.（圣经中的）寓言故事( parable的名词复数 ) | |
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48
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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49
inveigling
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| v.诱骗，引诱( inveigle的现在分词 ) | |
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50
aurora
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| n.极光 | |
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51
gracefulness
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52
squeak
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| n.吱吱声，逃脱；v.（发出）吱吱叫，侥幸通过；（俚）告密 | |
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53
cuffs
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| n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打，拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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54
artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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55
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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56
stimulated
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| a.刺激的 | |
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57
hunched
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| （常指因寒冷、生病或愁苦）耸肩弓身的，伏首前倾的 | |
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58
perorations
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| n.（演说等的）结束语，结论( peroration的名词复数 )；夸夸其谈的演说 | |
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59
renowned
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| adj.著名的，有名望的，声誉鹊起的 | |
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60
ostensible
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| adj.(指理由)表面的，假装的 | |
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61
conscientious
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| adj.审慎正直的，认真的，本着良心的 | |
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62
fictional
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| adj.小说的，虚构的 | |
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63
detriment
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| n.损害；损害物，造成损害的根源 | |
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64
skyscrapers
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| n.摩天大楼 | |
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65
hiccup
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| n.打嗝 | |
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66
latitude
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| n.纬度，行动或言论的自由(范围)，(pl.)地区 | |
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67
Fahrenheit
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| n./adj.华氏温度；华氏温度计(的) | |
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68
allied
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| adj.协约国的；同盟国的 | |
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69
liturgical
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| adj.礼拜仪式的 | |
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70
chattel
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| n.动产；奴隶 | |
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71
barometer
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| n.气压表，睛雨表，反应指标 | |
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72
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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73
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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74
enticed
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| 诱惑，怂恿( entice的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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