"Andy had too much imagination to be honest. He used to devise schemes of money-getting so fraudulent and high-financial that they wouldn't have been allowed in the bylaws of a railroad rebate3 system.
"Myself, I never believed in taking any man's dollars unless I gave him something for it—something in the way of rolled gold jewelry4, garden seeds, lumbago lotion5, stock certificates, stove polish or a crack on the head to show for his money. I guess I must have had New England ancestors away back and inherited some of their stanch6 and rugged7 fear of the police.
"But Andy's family tree was in different kind. I don't think he could have traced his descent any further back than a corporation.
"One summer while we was in the middle West, working down the Ohio valley with a line of family albums, headache powders and roach destroyer, Andy takes one of his notions of high and actionable financiering.
"'Jeff,' says he, 'I've been thinking that we ought to drop these rutabaga fanciers and give our attention to something more nourishing and prolific9. If we keep on snapshooting these hinds10 for their egg money we'll be classed as nature fakers. How about plunging11 into the fastnesses of the skyscraper12 country and biting some big bull caribous in the chest?'
"'Well,' says I, 'you know my idiosyncrasies. I prefer a square, non-illegal style of business such as we are carrying on now. When I take money I want to leave some tangible13 object in the other fellow's hands for him to gaze at and to distract his attention from my spoor, even if it's only a Komical Kuss Trick Finger Ring for Squirting Perfume in a Friend's Eye. But if you've got a fresh idea, Andy,' says I, 'let's have a look at it. I'm not so wedded14 to petty graft15 that I would refuse something better in the way of a subsidy16.'
"'I was thinking,' says Andy, 'of a little hunt without horn, hound or camera among the great herd17 of the Midas Americanus, commonly known as the Pittsburg millionaires.'
"'In New York?' I asks.
"'No, sir,' says Andy, 'in Pittsburg. That's their habitat. They don't like New York. They go there now and then just because it's expected of 'em.'
"'A Pittsburg millionaire in New York is like a fly in a cup of hot coffee—he attracts attention and comment, but he don't enjoy it. New York ridicules18 him for "blowing" so much money in that town of sneaks19 and snobs20, and sneers21. The truth is, he don't spend anything while he is there. I saw a memorandum22 of expenses for a ten days trip to Bunkum Town made by a Pittsburg man worth $15,000,000 once. Here's the way he set it down:
R. R. fare to and from $ 21 00
Cab fare to and from hotel 2 00
Hotel bill @ $5 per day 50 00
Tips 5,750 00
________
Total $5,823 00
"'That's the voice of New York,' goes on Andy. 'The town's nothing but a head waiter. If you tip it too much it'll go and stand by the door and make fun of you to the hat check boy. When a Pittsburger wants to spend money and have a good time he stays at home. That's where we'll go to catch him.'
"Well, to make a dense23 story more condensed, me and Andy cached our paris green and antipyrine powders and albums in a friend's cellar, and took the trail to Pittsburg. Andy didn't have any especial prospectus24 of chicanery25 and violence drawn26 up, but he always had plenty of confidence that his immoral27 nature would rise to any occasion that presented itself.
"As a concession28 to my ideas of self-preservation and rectitude he promised that if I should take an active and incriminating part in any little business venture that we might work up there should be something actual and cognizant to the senses of touch, sight, taste or smell to transfer to the victim for the money so my conscience might rest easy. After that I felt better and entered more cheerfully into the foul29 play.
"'Andy,' says I, as we strayed through the smoke along the cinderpath they call Smithfield street, 'had you figured out how we are going to get acquainted with these coke kings and pig iron squeezers? Not that I would decry30 my own worth or system of drawing room deportment, and work with the olive fork and pie knife,' says I, 'but isn't the entree31 nous into the salons32 of the stogie smokers33 going to be harder than you imagined?'
"'If there's any handicap at all,' says Andy, 'it's our own refinement34 and inherent culture. Pittsburg millionaires are a fine body of plain, wholehearted, unassuming, democratic men.
"'They are rough but uncivil in their manners, and though their ways are boisterous35 and unpolished, under it all they have a great deal of impoliteness and discourtesy. Nearly every one of 'em rose from obscurity,' says Andy, 'and they'll live in it till the town gets to using smoke consumers. If we act simple and unaffected and don't go too far from the saloons and keep making a noise like an import duty on steel rails we won't have any trouble in meeting some of 'em socially.'
"Well Andy and me drifted about town three or four days getting our bearings. We got to knowing several millionaires by sight.
"One used to stop his automobile37 in front of our hotel and have a quart of champagne38 brought out to him. When the waiter opened it he'd turn it up to his mouth and drink it out of the bottle. That showed he used to be a glassblower before he made his money.
"One evening Andy failed to come to the hotel for dinner. About 11 o'clock he came into my room.
"'Landed one, Jeff,' says he. 'Twelve millions. Oil, rolling mills, real estate and natural gas. He's a fine man; no airs about him. Made all his money in the last five years. He's got professors posting him up now in education—art and literature and haberdashery and such things.
"'When I saw him he'd just won a bet of $10,000 with a Steel Corporation man that there'd be four suicides in the Allegheny rolling mills to-day. So everybody in sight had to walk up and have drinks on him. He took a fancy to me and asked me to dinner with him. We went to a restaurant in Diamond alley8 and sat on stools and had a sparkling Moselle and clam40 chowder and apple fritters.
"'Then he wanted to show me his bachelor apartment on Liberty street. He's got ten rooms over a fish market with privilege of the bath on the next floor above. He told me it cost him $18,000 to furnish his apartment, and I believe it.
"'He's got $40,000 worth of pictures in one room, and $20,000 worth of curios and antiques in another. His name's Scudder, and he's 45, and taking lessons on the piano and 15,000 barrels of oil a day out of his wells.'
"'All right,' says I. 'Preliminary canter satisfactory. But, kay vooly, voo? What good is the art junk to us? And the oil?'
"'Now, that man,' says Andy, sitting thoughtfully on the bed, 'ain't what you would call an ordinary scutt. When he was showing me his cabinet of art curios his face lighted up like the door of a coke oven. He says that if some of his big deals go through he'll make J. P. Morgan's collection of sweatshop tapestry41 and Augusta, Me., beadwork look like the contents of an ostrich's craw thrown on a screen by a magic lantern.
"'And then he showed me a little carving42,' went on Andy, 'that anybody could see was a wonderful thing. It was something like 2,000 years old, he said. It was a lotus flower with a woman's face in it carved out of a solid piece of ivory.
"Scudder looks it up in a catalogue and describes it. An Egyptian carver named Khafra made two of 'em for King Rameses II. about the year B.C. The other one can't be found. The junkshops and antique bugs43 have rubbered all Europe for it, but it seems to be out of stock. Scudder paid $2,000 for the one he has.'
"'Oh, well,' says I, 'this sounds like the purling of a rill to me. I thought we came here to teach the millionaires business, instead of learning art from 'em?'
"All the next morning Andy was out. I didn't see him until about noon. He came to the hotel and called me into his room across the hall. He pulled a roundish bundle about as big as a goose egg out of his pocket and unwrapped it. It was an ivory carving just as he had described the millionaire's to me.
"'I went in an old second hand store and pawnshop a while ago,' says Andy, 'and I see this half hidden under a lot of old daggers45 and truck. The pawnbroker46 said he'd had it several years and thinks it was soaked by some Arabs or Turks or some foreign dubs47 that used to live down by the river.
"'I offered him $2 for it, and I must have looked like I wanted it, for he said it would be taking the pumpernickel out of his children's mouths to hold any conversation that did not lead up to a price of $35. I finally got it for $25.
"'Jeff,' goes on Andy, 'this is the exact counterpart of Scudder's carving. It's absolutely a dead ringer for it. He'll pay $2,000 for it as quick as he'd tuck a napkin under his chin. And why shouldn't it be the genuine other one, anyhow, that the old gypsy whittled48 out?'
"'Why not, indeed?' says I. 'And how shall we go about compelling him to make a voluntary purchase of it?'
"Andy had his plan all ready, and I'll tell you how we carried it out.
"I got a pair of blue spectacles, put on my black frock coat, rumpled49 my hair up and became Prof. Pickleman. I went to another hotel, registered, and sent a telegram to Scudder to come to see me at once on important art business. The elevator dumped him on me in less than an hour. He was a foggy man with a clarion50 voice, smelling of Connecticut wrappers and naphtha.
"I rumpled my hair some more and gave him a blue glass stare.
"'Sir,' says I, 'are you Cornelius T. Scudder? Of Pittsburg, Pennsylvania?'
"'I am,' says he. 'Come out and have a drink.'
"'I've neither the time nor the desire,' says I, 'for such harmful and deleterious amusements. I have come from New York,' says I, 'on a matter of busi—on a matter of art.
"'I learned there that you are the owner of an Egyptian ivory carving of the time of Rameses II., representing the head of Queen Isis in a lotus flower. There were only two of such carvings51 made. One has been lost for many years. I recently discovered and purchased the other in a pawn—in an obscure museum in Vienna. I wish to purchase yours. Name your price.'
"'Well, the great ice jams, Profess!' says Scudder. 'Have you found the other one? Me sell? No. I don't guess Cornelius Scudder needs to sell anything that he wants to keep. Have you got the carving with you, Profess?'
"I shows it to Scudder. He examines it careful all over.
"'It's the article,' says he. 'It's a duplicate of mine, every line and curve of it. Tell you what I'll do,' he says. 'I won't sell, but I'll buy. Give you $2,500 for yours.'
"'Since you won't sell, I will,' says I. 'Large bills, please. I'm a man of few words. I must return to New York to-night. I lecture to-morrow at the aquarium52.'
"Scudder sends a check down and the hotel cashes it. He goes off with his piece of antiquity53 and I hurry back to Andy's hotel, according to arrangement.
"Andy is walking up and down the room looking at his watch.
"'Well?' he says.
"'Twenty-five hundred,' says I. 'Cash.'
"'We've got just eleven minutes,' says Andy, 'to catch the B. & O. westbound. Grab your baggage.'
"'What's the hurry,' says I. 'It was a square deal. And even if it was only an imitation of the original carving it'll take him some time to find it out. He seemed to be sure it was the genuine article.'
"'It was,' says Andy. 'It was his own. When I was looking at his curios yesterday he stepped out of the room for a moment and I pocketed it. Now, will you pick up your suit case and hurry?'
"'Then,' says I, 'why was that story about finding another one in the pawn—'
"'Oh,' says Andy, 'out of respect for that conscience of yours. Come on.'"
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1
legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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2
ethics
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| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
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3
rebate
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| v./n.折扣，回扣，退款；vt.给...回扣，给...打折扣 | |
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4
jewelry
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| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
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5
lotion
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| n.洗剂 | |
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stanch
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| v.止住（血等）；adj.坚固的；坚定的 | |
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7
rugged
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| adj.高低不平的，粗糙的，粗壮的，强健的 | |
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8
alley
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| n.小巷，胡同；小径，小路 | |
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9
prolific
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| adj.丰富的，大量的；多产的，富有创造力的 | |
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10
hinds
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| n.（常指动物腿）后面的( hind的名词复数 )；在后的；（通常与can或could连用）唠叨不停；滔滔不绝 | |
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11
plunging
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| adj.跳进的，突进的v.颠簸( plunge的现在分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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12
skyscraper
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| n.摩天大楼 | |
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13
tangible
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| adj.有形的，可触摸的，确凿的，实际的 | |
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14
wedded
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| adj.正式结婚的；渴望…的，执著于…的v.嫁，娶，（与…）结婚( wed的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
graft
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| n.移植，嫁接，艰苦工作，贪污；v.移植，嫁接 | |
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16
subsidy
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| n.补助金，津贴 | |
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herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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18
ridicules
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| n.嘲笑( ridicule的名词复数 )；奚落；嘲弄；戏弄v.嘲笑，嘲弄，奚落( ridicule的第三人称单数 ) | |
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19
sneaks
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| abbr.sneakers (tennis shoes) 胶底运动鞋（网球鞋）v.潜行( sneak的第三人称单数 )；偷偷溜走；（儿童向成人）打小报告；告状 | |
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20
snobs
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| （谄上傲下的）势利小人( snob的名词复数 )； 自高自大者，自命不凡者 | |
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21
sneers
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| 讥笑的表情（言语）( sneer的名词复数 ) | |
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memorandum
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| n.备忘录，便笺 | |
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23
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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24
prospectus
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| n.计划书；说明书；慕股书 | |
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chicanery
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| n.欺诈，欺骗 | |
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26
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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27
immoral
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| adj.不道德的，淫荡的，荒淫的，有伤风化的 | |
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28
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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29
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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30
decry
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| v.危难，谴责 | |
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entree
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| n.入场权，进入权 | |
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32
salons
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| n.（营业性质的）店( salon的名词复数 )；厅；沙龙（旧时在上流社会女主人家的例行聚会或聚会场所）；（大宅中的）客厅 | |
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33
smokers
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| 吸烟者( smoker的名词复数 ) | |
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34
refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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36
rift
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| n.裂口，隙缝，切口；v.裂开，割开，渗入 | |
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37
automobile
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| n.汽车，机动车 | |
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38
champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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39
profess
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| v.声称，冒称，以...为业，正式接受入教，表明信仰 | |
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clam
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| n.蛤，蛤肉 | |
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41
tapestry
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| n.挂毯，丰富多采的画面 | |
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42
carving
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| n.雕刻品，雕花 | |
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43
bugs
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| adj.疯狂的，发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 )；病菌；虫子；[计算机]（制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的）错误 | |
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44
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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45
daggers
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| 匕首，短剑( dagger的名词复数 ) | |
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46
pawnbroker
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| n.典当商，当铺老板 | |
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47
dubs
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| v.给…起绰号( dub的第三人称单数 )；把…称为；配音；复制 | |
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48
whittled
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| v.切，削（木头），使逐渐变小( whittle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
rumpled
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| v.弄皱，使凌乱( rumple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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50
clarion
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| n.尖音小号声；尖音小号 | |
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51
carvings
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| n.雕刻( carving的名词复数 )；雕刻术；雕刻品；雕刻物 | |
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52
aquarium
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| n.水族馆，养鱼池，玻璃缸 | |
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53
antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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