My time was my own after the afternoon board, Saturdays, and I was accustomed to put it in on a little sail-boat on the bay. One day I ventured too far, and was carried out to sea. Just at nightfall, when hope was about gone, I was picked up by a small brig which was bound for London. It was a long and stormy voyage, and they made me work my passage without pay, as a common sailor. When I stepped ashore3 in London my clothes were ragged4 and shabby, and I had only a dollar in my pocket. This money fed and 2sheltered me twenty-four hours. During the next twenty-four I went without food and shelter.
About ten o’clock on the following morning, seedy and hungry, I was dragging myself along Portland Place, when a child that was passing, towed by a nursemaid, tossed a luscious5 big pear—minus one bite—into the gutter6. I stopped, of course, and fastened my desiring eye on that muddy treasure. My mouth watered for it, my stomach craved7 it, my whole being begged for it. But every time I made a move to get it some passing eye detected my purpose, and of course I straightened up, then, and looked indifferent, and pretended that I hadn’t been thinking about the pear at all. This same thing kept happening and happening, and I couldn’t get the pear. I was just getting desperate enough to brave all the shame, and to seize it, when a window behind me was raised, and a gentleman spoke8 out of it, saying:
‘Step in here, please.’
I was admitted by a gorgeous flunkey, and shown into a sumptuous9 room where a couple of elderly gentlemen were sitting. They sent away the servant, and made me sit down. They had just finished their breakfast, and the sight of the 3remains of it almost overpowered me. I could hardly keep my wits together in the presence of that food, but as I was not asked to sample it, I had to bear my trouble as best I could.
Now, something had been happening there a little before, which I did not know anything about until a good many days afterwards, but I will tell you about it now. Those two old brothers had been having a pretty hot argument a couple of days before, and had ended by agreeing to decide it by a bet, which is the English way of settling everything.
You will remember that the Bank of England once issued two notes of a million pounds each, to be used for a special purpose connected with some public transaction with a foreign country. For some reason or other only one of these had been used and cancelled; the other still lay in the vaults10 of the Bank. Well, the brothers, chatting along, happened to get to wondering what might be the fate of a perfectly11 honest and intelligent stranger who should be turned adrift in London without a friend, and with no money but that million-pound bank-note, and no way to account for his being in possession of it. Brother A said he would starve to death; Brother B said he wouldn’t. Brother A said he couldn’t offer it at a bank or anywhere else, because he would be arrested on the spot. So they went on disputing till Brother B said he would bet twenty thousand pounds that the man would live thirty days, any way, on that million, and keep out of jail, too. Brother A took him up. Brother B went down to the Bank and bought that note. Just like an Englishman, you see; pluck to the backbone12. Then he dictated13 a letter, which one of his clerks wrote out in a beautiful round hand, and then the two brothers sat at the window a whole day watching for the right man to give it to.
They saw many honest faces go by that were not intelligent enough; many that were intelligent but not honest enough; many that were both, but the possessors were not poor enough, or, if poor enough, were not strangers. There was always a defect, until I came along; but they agreed that I filled the bill all around; so they elected me unanimously, and there I was, now, waiting to know why I was called in. They began to ask me questions about myself, and pretty soon they had my story. Finally they told me I would answer their purpose. I said I was sincerely glad, and asked what it was. Then one of them handed me an envelope, and said I would find the explanation inside. I was going 5to open it, but he said no; take it to my lodgings14, and look it over carefully, and not be hasty or rash. I was puzzled, and wanted to discuss the matter a little further, but they didn’t; so I took my leave, feeling hurt and insulted to be made the butt15 of what was apparently16 some kind of a practical joke, and yet obliged to put up with it, not being in circumstances to resent affronts17 from rich and strong folk.
I would have picked up the pear, now, and eaten it before all the world, but it was gone; so I had lost that by this unlucky business, and the thought of it did not soften18 my feeling towards those men. As soon as I was out of sight of that house I opened my envelope, and saw that it contained money! My opinion of those people changed, I can tell you! I lost not a moment, but shoved note and money into my vest-pocket, and broke for the nearest cheap eating-house. Well, how I did eat! When at last I couldn’t hold any more, I took out my money and unfolded it, took one glimpse and nearly fainted. Five millions of dollars! Why, it made my head swim.
I must have sat there stunned19 and blinking at the note as much as a minute before I came rightly to myself again. The first thing I noticed, then, 6was the landlord. His eye was on the note, and he was petrified20. He was worshipping, with all his body and soul, but he looked as if he couldn’t stir hand or foot. I took my cue in a moment, and did the only rational thing there was to do. I reached the note towards him, and said carelessly:
‘Give me the change, please.’
Then he was restored to his normal condition, and made a thousand apologies for not being able to break the bill, and I couldn’t get him to touch it. He wanted to look at it, and keep on looking at it; he couldn’t seem to get enough of it to quench21 the thirst of his eye, but he shrank from touching22 it as if it had been something too sacred for poor common clay to handle. I said:
‘I am sorry if it is an inconvenience, but I must insist. Please change it; I haven’t anything else.’
But he said that wasn’t any matter; he was quite willing to let the trifle stand over till another time. I said I might not be in his neighbourhood again for a good while; but he said it was of no consequence, he could wait, and, moreover, I could have anything I wanted, any time I chose, and let the account run as long as I pleased. He said he hoped he wasn’t afraid to trust as rich a gentleman as I was, merely because I was of a merry disposition24, and chose to play larks25 on the public in the matter of dress. By this time another customer was entering, and the landlord hinted to me to put the monster out of sight; then he bowed me all the way to the door, and I started straight for that house and those brothers, to correct the mistake which had been made before the police should hunt me up, and help me do it. I was pretty nervous, in fact pretty badly frightened, though, of course, I was no way in fault; but I knew men well enough to know that when they find they’ve given a tramp a million-pound bill when they thought it was a one-pounder, they are in a frantic26 rage against him instead of quarrelling with their own near-sightedness, as they ought. As I approached the house my excitement began to abate27, for all was quiet there, which made me feel pretty sure the blunder was not discovered yet. I rang. The same servant appeared. I asked for those gentlemen.
‘They are gone.’ This in the lofty, cold way of that fellow’s tribe.
‘Gone? Gone where?’
‘On a journey.’
‘But whereabouts?’
‘To the Continent, I think.’
8‘The Continent?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Which way—by what route?’
‘I can’t say, sir.’
‘When will they be back?’
‘In a month, they said.’
‘A month! Oh, this is awful! Give me some sort of idea of how to get a word to them. It’s of the last importance.’
‘I can’t, indeed. I’ve no idea where they’ve gone, sir.’
‘Then I must see some member of the family.’
‘Family’s away too; been abroad months—in Egypt and India, I think.’
‘Man, there’s been an immense mistake made. They’ll be back before night. Will you tell them I’ve been here, and that I will keep coming till it’s all made right, and they needn’t be afraid?’
‘I’ll tell them, if they come back, but I am not expecting them. They said you would be here in an hour to make inquiries28, but I must tell you it’s all right, they’ll be here on time and expect you.’
So I had to give it up and go away. What a riddle29 it all was! I was like to lose my mind. They would be here ‘on time.’ What could that 9mean? Oh, the letter would explain, maybe. I had forgotten the letter; I got it out and read it. This is what it said:
‘You are an intelligent and honest man, as one may see by your face. We conceive you to be poor and a stranger. Enclosed you will find a sum of money. It is lent to you for thirty days, without interest. Report at this house at the end of that time. I have a bet on you. If I win it you shall have any situation that is in my gift—any, that is, that you shall be able to prove yourself familiar with and competent to fill.’
No signature, no address, no date.
Well, here was a coil to be in! You are posted on what had preceded all this, but I was not. It was just a deep, dark puzzle to me. I hadn’t the least idea what the game was, nor whether harm was meant me or a kindness. I went into a park, and sat down to try to think it out, and to consider what I had best do.
At the end of an hour, my reasonings had crystallised into this verdict.
Maybe those men mean me well, maybe they mean me ill; no way to decide that—let it go. They’ve got a game, or a scheme, or an experiment of some kind on hand; no way to determine what 10it is—let it go. There’s a bet on me; no way to find out what it is—let it go. That disposes of the indeterminable quantities; the remainder of the matter is tangible30, solid, and may be classed and labelled with certainty. If I ask the Bank of England to place this bill to the credit of the man it belongs to, they’ll do it, for they know him, although I don’t; but they will ask me how I came in possession of it, and if I tell the truth, they’ll put me in the asylum31, naturally, and a lie will land me in jail. The same result would follow if I tried to bank the bill anywhere or to borrow money on it. I have got to carry this immense burden around until those men come back, whether I want to or not. It is useless to me, as useless as a handful of ashes, and yet I must take care of it, and watch over it, while I beg my living. I couldn’t give it away, if I should try, for neither honest citizen nor highwayman would accept it or meddle32 with it for anything. Those brothers are safe. Even if I lose their bill, or burn it, they are still safe, because they can stop payment, and the Bank will make them whole; but meantime, I’ve got to do a month’s suffering without wages or profit—unless I help win that bet, whatever it may be, and get that situation that I am promised. I 11should like to get that; men of their sort have situations in their gift that are worth having.
I got to thinking a good deal about that situation. My hopes began to rise high. Without doubt the salary would be large. It would begin in a month; after that I should be all right. Pretty soon I was feeling first-rate. By this time I was tramping the streets again. The sight of a tailor-shop gave me a sharp longing33 to shed my rags, and to clothe myself decently once more. Could I afford it? No; I had nothing in the world but a million pounds. So I forced myself to go on by. But soon I was drifting back again. The temptation persecuted34 me cruelly. I must have passed that shop back and forth35 six times during that manful struggle. At last I gave in; I had to. I asked if they had a misfit suit that had been thrown on their hands. The fellow I spoke to nodded his head towards another fellow, and gave me no answer. I went to the indicated fellow, and he indicated another fellow with his head, and no words. I went to him, and he said:
‘’Tend to you presently.’
I waited till he was done with what he was at, then he took me into a back room, and overhauled36 a pile of rejected suits, and selected the rattiest one 12for me. I put it on. It didn’t fit, and wasn’t in any way attractive, but it was new, and I was anxious to have it; so I didn’t find any fault, but said with some diffidence:
‘It would be an accommodation to me if you could wait some days for the money. I haven’t any small change about me.’
‘Oh, you haven’t? Well, of course, I didn’t expect it. I’d only expect gentlemen like you to carry large change.’
‘My friend, you shouldn’t judge a stranger always by the clothes he wears. I am quite able to pay for this suit; I simply didn’t wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large note.’
He modified his style a little at that, and said, though still with something of an air:
‘I didn’t mean any particular harm, but as long as rebukes40 are going, I might say it wasn’t quite your affair to jump to the conclusion that we couldn’t change any note that you might happen to be carrying around. On the contrary, we can.’
I handed the note to him, and said:
‘Oh, very well; I apologise.’
13He received it with a smile, one of those large smiles which goes all around over, and has folds in it, and wrinkles, and spirals, and looks like the place where you have thrown a brick in a pond; and then in the act of his taking a glimpse of the bill this smile froze solid, and turned yellow, and looked like those wavy41, wormy spreads of lava42 which you find hardened on little levels on the side of Vesuvius. I never before saw a smile caught like that, and perpetuated43. The man stood there holding the bill, and looking like that, and the proprietor44 hustled45 up to see what was the matter, and said briskly:
‘Well, what’s up? what’s the trouble? what’s wanting?’
I said, ‘There isn’t any trouble. I’m waiting for my change.’
‘Come, come; get him his change, Tod; get him his change.’
Tod retorted: ‘Get him his change! It’s easy to say, sir; but look at the bill yourself.’
The proprietor took a look, gave a low, eloquent46 whistle, then made a dive for the pile of rejected clothing, and began to snatch it this way and that, talking all the time excitedly, and as if to himself:
‘Sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable 14suit as that! Tod’s a fool—a born fool. Always doing something like this. Drives every millionaire away from this place, because he can’t tell a millionaire from a tramp, and never could. Ah, here’s the thing I’m after. Please get those things off, sir, and throw them in the fire. Do me the favour to put on this shirt and this suit; it’s just the thing, the very thing—plain, rich, modest, and just ducally nobby; made to order for a foreign prince—you may know him, sir, his Serene47 Highness the Hospodar of Halifax; had to leave it with us and take a mourning-suit because his mother was going to die—which she didn’t. But that’s all right; we can’t always have things the way we—that is, the way they—there! trousers all right, they fit you to a charm, sir; now the waistcoat: aha, right again! now the coat—lord! look at that, now! Perfect, the whole thing! I never saw such a triumph in all my experience.’
I expressed my satisfaction.
‘Quite right, sir, quite right; it’ll do for a makeshift, I’m bound to say. But wait till you see what we’ll get up for you on your own measure. Come, Tod, book and pen; get at it. Length of leg, 32’—and so on. Before I could get in a word he had measured me, and was giving orders for dress-suits, 15morning suits, shirts, and all sorts of things. When I got a chance I said:
‘But, my dear sir, I can’t give these orders, unless you can wait indefinitely, or change the bill.’
‘Indefinitely! It’s a weak word, sir, a weak word. Eternally—that’s the word, sir. Tod, rush these things through, and send them to the gentleman’s address without any waste of time. Let the minor48 customers wait. Set down the gentleman’s address and——’
‘I’m changing my quarters. I will drop in and leave the new address.’
‘Quite right, sir, quite right. One moment—let me show you out, sir. There—good day, sir, good day.’
Well, don’t you see what was bound to happen? I drifted naturally into buying whatever I wanted, and asking for change. Within a week I was sumptuously49 equipped with all needful comforts and luxuries, and was housed in an expensive private hotel in Hanover Square. I took my dinners there, but for breakfast I stuck by Harris’s humble50 feeding-house, where I had got my first meal on my million-pound bill. I was the making of Harris. The fact had gone all abroad that the 16foreign crank who carried million-pound bills in his vest-pocket was the patron saint of the place. That was enough. From being a poor, struggling, little hand-to-mouth enterprise, it had become celebrated51, and overcrowded with customers. Harris was so grateful that he forced loans upon me, and would not be denied; and so, pauper52 as I was, I had money to spend, and was living like the rich and the great. I judged that there was going to be a crash by and by, but I was in, now, and must swim across or drown. You see there was just that element of impending53 disaster to give a serious side, a sober side, yes, a tragic54 side, to a state of things which would otherwise have been purely55 ridiculous. In the night, in the dark, the tragedy part was always to the front, and always warning, always threatening; and so I moaned and tossed, and sleep was hard to find. But in the cheerful daylight the tragedy element faded out and disappeared, and I walked on air, and was happy to giddiness, to intoxication56, you may say.
And it was natural; for I had become one of the notorieties of the metropolis57 of the world, and it turned my head, not just a little, but a good deal. You could not take up a newspaper, English, Scotch58, or Irish, without finding in it one or more 17references to the ‘vest-pocket million-pounder’ and his latest doings and sayings. At first, in these mentions, I was at the bottom of the personal gossip column; next, I was listed above the knights59, next above the baronets, next above the barons60, and so on, and so on, climbing steadily61, as my notoriety augmented62, until I reached the highest altitude possible, and there I remained, taking precedence of all dukes not royal, and of all ecclesiastics63 except the Primate64 of all England. But, mind, this was not fame; as yet I had achieved only notoriety. Then came the climaxing65 stroke—the accolade66, so to speak—which in a single instance transmuted67 the perishable68 dross69 of notoriety into the enduring gold of fame: ‘Punch’ caricatured me! Yes, I was a made man, now: my place was established. I might be joked about still, but reverently70, not hilariously71, not rudely; I could be smiled at, but not laughed at. The time for that had gone by. ‘Punch’ pictured me all a-flutter with rags, dickering with a beefeater for the Tower of London. Well, you can imagine how it was with a young fellow who had never been taken notice of before, and now all of a sudden couldn’t say a thing that wasn’t taken up and repeated everywhere; couldn’t stir abroad without constantly 18overhearing the remark flying from lip to lip, ‘There he goes; that’s him!’ couldn’t take his breakfast without a crowd to look on; couldn’t appear in an opera-box without concentrating there the fire of a thousand lorgnettes. Why, I just swam in glory all day long—that is the amount of it.
You know, I even kept my old suit of rags, and every now and then appeared in them, so as to have the old pleasure of buying trifles, and being insulted, and then shooting the scoffer72 dead with the million-pound bill. But I couldn’t keep that up. The illustrated73 papers made the outfit74 so familiar that when I went out in it I was at once recognised and followed by a crowd, and if I attempted a purchase the man would offer me his whole shop on credit before I could pull my note on him.
About the tenth day of my fame I went to fulfil my duty to my flag by paying my respects to the American minister. He received me with the enthusiasm proper in my case, upbraided75 me for being so tardy76 in my duty, and said that there was only one way to get his forgiveness, and that was to take the seat at his dinner-party that night made vacant by the illness of one of his guests. I said I 19would, and we got to talking. It turned out that he and my father had been schoolmates in boyhood, Yale students together later, and always warm friends up to my father’s death. So then he required me to put in at his house all the odd time I might have to spare, and I was very willing, of course.
In fact I was more than willing; I was glad. When the crash should come, he might somehow be able to save me from total destruction; I didn’t know how, but he might think of a way, maybe. I couldn’t venture to unbosom myself to him at this late date, a thing which I would have been quick to do in the beginning of this awful career of mine in London. No, I couldn’t venture it now; I was in too deep; that is, too deep for me to be risking revelations to so new a friend, though not clear beyond my depth, as I looked at it. Because, you see, with all my borrowing, I was carefully keeping within my means—I mean within my salary. Of course I couldn’t know what my salary was going to be, but I had a good enough basis for an estimate in the fact that, if I won the bet, I was to have choice of any situation in that rich old gentleman’s gift provided I was competent—and I should certainly prove competent; I hadn’t any doubt about 20that. And as to the bet, I wasn’t worrying about that; I had always been lucky. Now, my estimate of the salary was six hundred to a thousand a year; say, six hundred for the first year, and so on up year by year, till I struck the upper figure by proved merit. At present I was only in debt for my first year’s salary. Everybody had been trying to lend me money, but I had fought off the most of them on one pretext77 or another; so this indebtedness represented only £300 borrowed money, the other £300 represented my keep and my purchases. I believed my second year’s salary would carry me through the rest of the month if I went on being cautious and economical, and I intended to look sharply out for that. My month ended, my employer back from his journey, I should be all right once more, for I should at once divide the two years’ salary among my creditors78 by assignment, and get right down to my work.
It was a lovely dinner party of fourteen. The Duke and Duchess of Shoreditch, and their daughter the Lady Anne-Grace-Eleanor-Celeste-and-so-forth-and-so-forth-de-Bohun, the Earl and Countess of Newgate, Viscount Cheapside, Lord and Lady Blatherskite, some untitled people of both sexes, the minister and his wife and daughter, and his 21daughter’s visiting friend, an English girl of twenty-two, named Portia Langham, whom I fell in love with in two minutes, and she with me—I could see it without glasses. There was still another guest, an American—but I am a little ahead of my story. While the people were still in the drawing-room, whetting79 up for dinner, and coldly inspecting the late comers, the servant announced:
‘Mr. Lloyd Hastings.’
The moment the usual civilities were over, Hastings caught sight of me, and came straight with cordially outstretched hand; then stopped short when about to shake, and said with an embarrassed look:
‘I beg your pardon, sir, I thought I knew you.’
‘Why, you do know me, old fellow.’
‘No! Are you the—the——?’
‘Vest-pocket monster? I am, indeed. Don’t be afraid to call me by my nickname; I’m used to it.’
‘Well, well, well, this is a surprise. Once or twice I’ve seen your own name coupled with the nickname, but it never occurred to me that you could be the Henry Adams referred to. Why, it isn’t six months since you were clerking away for Blake Hopkins in Frisco on a salary, and sitting up nights on an extra allowance, helping80 me arrange and verify the 22Gould and Curry81 Extension papers and statistics. The idea of your being in London, and a vast millionaire, and a colossal82 celebrity83! Why, it’s the Arabian Nights come again. Man, I can’t take it in at all; can’t realise it; give me time to settle the whirl in my head.’
‘The fact is, Lloyd, you are no worse off than I am. I can’t realise it myself.’
‘Dear me, it is stunning84, now, isn’t it? Why, it’s just three months to-day since we went to the Miners’ restaurant——’
‘No; the What Cheer.’
‘Right, it was the What Cheer; went there at two in the morning, and had a chop and coffee after a hard six hours’ grind over those Extension papers, and I tried to persuade you to come to London with me, and offered to get leave of absence for you and pay all your expenses, and give you something over if I succeeded in making the sale; and you would not listen to me, said I wouldn’t succeed, and you couldn’t afford to lose the run of business and be no end of time getting the hang of things again when you got back home. And yet here you are. How odd it all is! How did you happen to come, and whatever did give you this incredible start?’
‘Oh, just an accident. It’s a long story—a 23romance, a body may say. I’ll tell you all about it, but not now.
‘When?’
‘The end of this month.’
‘That’s more than a fortnight yet. It’s too much of a strain on a person’s curiosity. Make it a week.’
‘I can’t. You’ll know why, by and by. But how’s the trade getting along?’
His cheerfulness vanished like a breath, and he said with a sigh:
‘You were a true prophet, Hal, a true prophet. I wish I hadn’t come. I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘But you must. You must come and stop with me to-night, when we leave here, and tell me all about it.’
‘Oh, may I? Are you in earnest?’ and the water showed in his eyes.
‘Yes; I want to hear the whole story, every word.’
‘I’m so grateful! Just to find a human interest once more, in some voice and in some eye, in me and affairs of mine, after what I’ve been through here—lord! I could go down on my knees for it!’
24He gripped my hand hard, and braced85 up, and was all right and lively after that for the dinner—which didn’t come off. No; the usual thing happened, the thing that is always happening under that vicious and aggravating86 English system—the matter of precedence couldn’t be settled, and so there was no dinner. Englishmen always eat dinner before they go out to dinner, because they know the risks they are running; but nobody ever warns the stranger, and so he walks placidly87 into the trap. Of course nobody was hurt this time, because we had all been to dinner, none of us being novices88 except Hastings, and he having been informed by the minister at the time that he invited him that in deference89 to the English custom he had not provided any dinner. Everybody took a lady and processioned down to the dining-room, because it is usual to go through the motions; but there the dispute began. The Duke of Shoreditch wanted to take precedence, and sit at the head of the table, holding that he outranked a minister who represented merely a nation and not a monarch90; but I stood for my rights, and refused to yield. In the gossip column I ranked all dukes not royal, and said so, and claimed precedence of this one. It couldn’t be settled, of course, struggle 25as we might and did, he finally (and injudiciously) trying to play birth and antiquity92, and I ‘seeing’ his Conqueror93 and ‘raising’ him with Adam, whose direct posterity94 I was, as shown by my name, while he was of a collateral95 branch, as shown by his, and by his recent Norman origin; so we all processioned back to the drawing-room again and had a perpendicular96 lunch—plate of sardines97 and a strawberry, and you group yourself and stand up and eat it. Here the religion of precedence is not so strenuous98; the two persons of highest rank chuck up a shilling, the one that wins has first go at his strawberry, and the loser gets the shilling. The next two chuck up, then the next two, and so on. After refreshment99, tables were brought, and we all played cribbage, sixpence a game. The English never play any game for amusement. If they can’t make something or lose something—they don’t care which—they won’t play.
We had a lovely time; certainly two of us had, Miss Langham and I. I was so bewitched with her that I couldn’t count my hands if they went above a double sequence; and when I struck home I never discovered it, and started up the outside row again, and would have lost the game every 26time, only the girl did the same, she being in just my condition, you see; and consequently neither of us ever got out, or cared to wonder why we didn’t; we only just knew we were happy, and didn’t wish to know anything else, and didn’t want to be interrupted. And I told her—I did indeed—told her I loved her; and she—well, she blushed till her hair turned red, but she liked it; she said she did. Oh, there was never such an evening! Every time I pegged100 I put on a postscript101; every time she pegged she acknowledged receipt of it, counting the hands the same. Why, I couldn’t even say, ‘Two for his heels,’ without adding, ‘My, how sweet you do look!’ And she would say, ‘Fifteen two, fifteen four, fifteen six, and a pair are eight, and eight are sixteen—do you think so?’ peeping out aslant102 from under her lashes103, you know, so sweet and cunning. Oh, it was just too-too!
Well, I was perfectly honest and square with her; told her I hadn’t a cent in the world but just the million-pound note she’d heard so much talk about, and it didn’t belong to me; and that started her curiosity, and then I talked low, and told her the whole history right from the start, and it nearly killed her, laughing. What in the nation she 27could find to laugh about, I couldn’t see, but there it was; every half minute some new detail would fetch her, and I would have to stop as much as a minute and a half to give her a chance to settle down again. Why, she laughed herself lame104, she did indeed; I never saw anything like it. I mean I never saw a painful story—a story of a person’s troubles and worries and fears—produce just that kind of effect before. So I loved her all the more, seeing she could be so cheerful when there wasn’t anything to be cheerful about; for I might soon need that kind of wife, you know, the way things looked. Of course I told her we should have to wait a couple of years, till I could catch up on my salary; but she didn’t mind that, only she hoped I would be as careful as possible in the matter of expenses, and not let them run the least risk of trenching on our third year’s pay. Then she began to get a little worried, and wondered if we were making any mistake, and starting the salary on a higher figure for the first year than I would get. This was good sense, and it made me feel a little less confident than I had been feeling before; but it gave me a good business idea, and I brought it frankly105 out.
‘Portia, dear, would you mind going with 28me that day, when I confront those old gentlemen?’
She shrank a little, but said:
‘N-o; if my being with you would help hearten you. But—would it be quite proper, do you think?’
‘No, I don’t know that it would; in fact, I’m afraid it wouldn’t; but, you see, there’s so much dependent upon it that——’
‘Then I’ll go anyway, proper or improper,’ she said, with a beautiful and generous enthusiasm. ‘Oh, I shall be so happy to think I’m helping.’
‘Helping, dear? Why, you’ll be doing it all. You’re so beautiful, and so lovely, and so winning, that with you there I can pile our salary up till I break those good old fellows, and they’ll never have the heart to struggle.’
Sho! you should have seen the rich blood mount, and her happy eyes shine!
‘You wicked flatterer! There isn’t a word of truth in what you say, but still I’ll go with you. Maybe it will teach you not to expect other people to look with your eyes.’
Were my doubts dissipated? Was my confidence restored? You may judge by this fact: privately106 I raised my salary to twelve hundred the 29first year on the spot. But I didn’t tell her; I saved it for a surprise.
All the way home I was in the clouds, Hastings talking, I not hearing a word. When he and I entered my parlour he brought me to myself with his fervent107 appreciations108 of my manifold comforts and luxuries.
‘Let me just stand here a little and look my fill! Dear me, it’s a palace; it’s just a palace! And in it everything a body could desire, including cozy109 coal fire and supper standing110 ready. Henry, it doesn’t merely make me realise how rich you are; it makes me realise to the bone, to the marrow111, how poor I am—how poor I am—and how miserable112, how defeated, routed, annihilated113!’
Plague take it! this language gave me the cold shudders114. It scared me broad awake, and made me comprehend that I was standing on a half-inch crust, with a crater115 underneath116. I didn’t know I had been dreaming—that is, I hadn’t been allowing myself to know it for a while back; but now—oh, dear! Deep in debt, not a cent in the world, a lovely girl’s happiness or woe117 in my hands, and nothing in front of me but a salary which might never—oh, would never—materialise! Oh, oh, oh, I am ruined past hope; nothing can save me!
‘Oh, my daily income! Here, down with this hot Scotch, and cheer up your soul. Here’s with you! Or, no—you’re hungry; sit down and——’
‘Not a bite for me; I’m past it. I can’t eat, these days; but I’ll drink with you till I drop. Come!’
‘Barrel for barrel, I’m with you! Ready! Here we go! Now, then, Lloyd, unreel your story while I brew118.’
‘Unreel it? What, again?’
‘Again? What do you mean by that?’
‘Why, I mean do you want to hear it over again?’
‘Do I want to hear it over again? This is a puzzler. Wait; don’t take any more of that liquid. You don’t need it.’
‘Look here, Henry, you alarm me. Didn’t I tell you the whole story on the way here?’
‘You?’
‘Yes, I.’
‘I’ll be hanged if I heard a word of it.’
‘Henry, this is a serious thing. It troubles me. What did you take up yonder at the minister’s?’
31Then it all flashed on me, and I owned up, like a man.
‘I took the dearest girl in this world—prisoner!’
So then he came with a rush, and we shook, and shook, and shook till our hands ached; and he didn’t blame me for not having heard a word of a story which had lasted while we walked three miles. He just sat down then, like the patient, good fellow he was, and told it all over again. Synopsised, it amounted to this: He had come to England with what he thought was a grand opportunity; he had an ‘option’ to sell the Gould and Curry Extension for the ‘locators’ of it, and keep all he could get over a million dollars. He had worked hard, had pulled every wire he knew of, had left no honest expedient119 untried, had spent nearly all the money he had in the world, had not been able to get a solitary120 capitalist to listen to him, and his option would run out at the end of the month. In a word, he was ruined. Then he jumped up and cried out:
‘Henry, you can save me! You can save me, and you’re the only man in the universe that can. Will you do it? Won’t you do it?’
‘Tell me how. Speak out, my boy.’
32‘Give me a million and my passage home for my ‘option’! Don’t, don’t refuse!’
I was in a kind of agony. I was right on the point of coming out with the words, ‘Lloyd, I’m a pauper myself—absolutely penniless, and in debt!’ But a white-hot idea came flaming through my head, and I gripped my jaws121 together, and calmed myself down till I was as cold as a capitalist. Then I said, in a commercial and self-possessed way:
‘I will save you, Lloyd——’
‘Then I’m already saved! God be merciful to you for ever! If ever I——’
‘Let me finish, Lloyd. I will save you, but not in that way; for that would not be fair to you, after your hard work, and the risks you’ve run. I don’t need to buy mines; I can keep my capital moving, in a commercial centre like London, without that; it’s what I’m at, all the time; but here is what I’ll do. I know all about that mine, of course; I know its immense value, and can swear to it if anybody wishes it. You shall sell out inside of the fortnight for three millions cash, using my name freely, and we’ll divide, share and share alike.’
Do you know, he would have danced the furniture to kindling-wood, in his insane joy, and broken 33everything on the place, if I hadn’t tripped him up and tied him.
Then he lay there, perfectly happy, saying:
‘I may use your name! Your name—think of it! Man, they’ll flock in droves, these rich Londoners; they’ll fight for that stock! I’m a made man, I’m a made man for ever, and I’ll never forget you as long as I live!’
In less than twenty-four hours London was abuzz! I hadn’t anything to do, day after day, but sit at home, and say to all comers:
‘Yes; I told him to refer to me. I know the man and I know the mine. His character is above reproach, and the mine is worth far more than he asks for it.’
Meantime I spent all my evenings at the minister’s with Portia. I didn’t say a word to her about the mine; I saved it for a surprise. We talked salary; never anything but salary and love; sometimes love, sometimes salary, sometimes love and salary together. And my! the interest the minister’s wife and daughter took in our little affair, and the endless ingenuities122 they invented to save us from interruption, and to keep the minister in the dark and unsuspicious—well, it was just lovely of them!
34When the month was up, at last, I had a million dollars to my credit in the London and County Bank, and Hastings was fixed123 in the same way. Dressed at my level best, I drove by the house in Portland Place, judged by the look of things that my birds were home again, went on towards the minister’s and got my precious, and we started back, talking salary with all our might. She was so excited and anxious that it made her just intolerably beautiful. I said:
‘Dearie, the way you’re looking it’s a crime to strike for a salary a single penny under three thousand a year.’
‘Henry, Henry, you’ll ruin us!’
‘Don’t you be afraid. Just keep up those looks, and trust to me. It’ll all come out right.’
So, as it turned out, I had to keep bolstering124 up her courage all the way. She kept pleading with me, and saying:
‘Oh, please remember that if we ask for too much we may get no salary at all; and then what will become of us, with no way in the world to earn our living?’
We were ushered125 in by that same servant, and there they were, the two old gentlemen. Of course 35they were surprised to see that wonderful creature with me, but I said:
‘It’s all right, gentlemen; she is my future stay and helpmate.’
And I introduced them to her, and called them by name. It didn’t surprise them; they knew I would know enough to consult the directory. They seated us, and were very polite to me, and very solicitous126 to relieve her from embarrassment127, and put her as much at her ease as they could. Then I said:
‘Gentlemen, I am ready to report.’
‘We are glad to hear it,’ said my man, ‘for now we can decide the bet which my brother Abel and I made. If you have won for me, you shall have any situation in my gift. Have you the million-pound note?’
‘Here it is, sir,’ and I handed it to him.
‘I’ve won!’ he shouted, and slapped Abel on the back. ‘Now what do you say, brother?’
‘I say he did survive, and I’ve lost twenty thousand pounds. I never would have believed it.’
‘I’ve a further report to make,’ I said, ‘and a pretty long one. I want you to let me come soon, and detail my whole month’s history; and I 36promise you it’s worth hearing. Meantime, take a look at that.’
‘What, man! Certificate of deposit for £200,000? Is it yours?’
‘Mine! I earned it by thirty days’ judicious91 use of that little loan you let me have. And the only use I made of it was to buy trifles and offer the bill in change.’
‘Come, this is astonishing! It’s incredible, man!’
‘Never mind, I’ll prove it. Don’t take my word unsupported.’
But now Portia’s turn was come to be surprised. Her eyes were spread wide, and she said:
‘Henry, is that really your money? Have you been fibbing to me?’
‘I have indeed, dearie. But you’ll forgive me, I know.’
‘Don’t you be so sure. You are a naughty thing to deceive me so!’
‘Oh, you’ll get over it, sweetheart, you’ll get over it; it was only fun, you know. Come, let’s be going.’
‘But wait, wait! The situation, you know. I want to give you the situation,’ said my man.
37‘Well,’ I said, ‘I’m just as grateful as I can be, but really I don’t want one.’
‘But you can have the very choicest one in my gift.’
‘Thanks again, with all my heart; but I don’t even want that one.’
‘Henry, I’m ashamed of you. You don’t half thank the good gentleman. May I do it for you?’
‘Indeed you shall, dear, if you can improve it. Let us see you try.’
She walked to my man, got up in his lap, put her arm round his neck, and kissed him right on the mouth. Then the two old gentlemen shouted with laughter, but I was dumfounded, just petrified, as you may say. Portia said:
‘Papa, he has said you haven’t a situation in your gift that he’d take; and I feel just as hurt as——’
‘My darling! is that your papa?’
‘Yes; he’s my step-papa, and the dearest one that ever was. You understand now, don’t you, why I was able to laugh when you told me at the minister’s, not knowing my relationships, what trouble and worry papa’s and Uncle Abel’s scheme was giving you?’
38Of course I spoke right up, now, without any fooling, and went straight to the point.
‘Oh, my dearest dear sir, I want to take back what I said. You have got a situation open that I want.’
‘Name it.’
‘Son-in-law.’
‘Well, well, well! But you know, if you haven’t ever served in that capacity, you of course can’t furnish recommendations of a sort to satisfy the conditions of the contract, and so——’
‘Try me—oh, do, I beg of you! Only just try me thirty or forty years, and if——’
‘Oh, well, all right; it’s but a little thing to ask. Take her along.’
Happy, we too? There are not words enough in the unabridged to describe it. And when London got the whole history, a day or two later, of my month’s adventures with that bank-note, and how they ended, did London talk, and have a good time? Yes.
My Portia’s papa took that friendly and hospitable129 bill back to the Bank of England and cashed it; then the Bank cancelled it and made him a present of it, and he gave it to us at our wedding, and it has always hung in its frame in the sacredest place in our home, ever since. For it gave me my Portia. But for it I could not have remained in London, would not have appeared at the minister’s, never should have met her. And so I always say, ‘Yes, it’s a million-pounder, as you see; but it never made but one purchase in its life, and then got the article for only about a tenth part of its value.’
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1
eventual
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| adj.最后的，结局的，最终的 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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ragged
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| adj.衣衫褴褛的，粗糙的，刺耳的 | |
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luscious
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| adj.美味的；芬芳的；肉感的，引与性欲的 | |
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gutter
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| n.沟，街沟，水槽，檐槽，贫民窟 | |
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craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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sumptuous
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| adj.豪华的，奢侈的，华丽的 | |
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vaults
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| n.拱顶( vault的名词复数 )；地下室；撑物跳高；墓穴 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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backbone
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| n.脊骨，脊柱，骨干；刚毅，骨气 | |
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dictated
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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affronts
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| n.（当众）侮辱，（故意）冒犯( affront的名词复数 )v.勇敢地面对( affront的第三人称单数 )；相遇 | |
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18
soften
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| v.(使)变柔软；(使)变柔和 | |
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stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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petrified
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| adj.惊呆的；目瞪口呆的v.使吓呆，使惊呆；变僵硬；使石化(petrify的过去式和过去分词) | |
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quench
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| vt.熄灭，扑灭；压制 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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larks
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| n.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的名词复数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了v.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的第三人称单数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了 | |
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frantic
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| adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的 | |
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abate
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| vi.(风势，疼痛等)减弱，减轻，减退 | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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riddle
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| n.谜，谜语，粗筛；vt.解谜，给…出谜，筛，检查，鉴定，非难，充满于；vi.出谜 | |
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tangible
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asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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32
meddle
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| v.干预，干涉，插手 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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overhauled
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| v.彻底检查( overhaul的过去式和过去分词 )；大修；赶上；超越 | |
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sarcastic
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| adj.讥讽的，讽刺的，嘲弄的 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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nettled
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| v.拿荨麻打，拿荨麻刺（nettle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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rebukes
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| 责难或指责( rebuke的第三人称单数 ) | |
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wavy
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| adj.有波浪的，多浪的，波浪状的，波动的，不稳定的 | |
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lava
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| n.熔岩，火山岩 | |
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43
perpetuated
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| vt.使永存（perpetuate的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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hustled
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| 催促（hustle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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48
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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sumptuously
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| 奢侈地，豪华地 | |
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50
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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52
pauper
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| n.贫民，被救济者，穷人 | |
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53
impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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54
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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55
purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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56
intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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knights
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| 骑士； （中古时代的）武士( knight的名词复数 )； 骑士； 爵士； （国际象棋中）马 | |
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barons
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| 男爵( baron的名词复数 )； 巨头； 大王； 大亨 | |
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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Augmented
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| adj.增音的 动词augment的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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ecclesiastics
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| n.神职者，教会，牧师( ecclesiastic的名词复数 ) | |
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primate
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| n.灵长类（目）动物，首席主教；adj.首要的 | |
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climaxing
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| vt.& vi.达到顶点（climax的现在分词形式） | |
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accolade
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| n.推崇备至，赞扬 | |
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67
transmuted
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| v.使变形，使变质，把…变成…( transmute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68
perishable
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| adj.（尤指食物）易腐的，易坏的 | |
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dross
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| n.渣滓；无用之物 | |
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70
reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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hilariously
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72
scoffer
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| 嘲笑者 | |
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illustrated
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| adj. 有插图的，列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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upbraided
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| v.责备，申斥，谴责( upbraid的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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76
tardy
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| adj.缓慢的，迟缓的 | |
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77
pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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78
creditors
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| n.债权人，债主( creditor的名词复数 ) | |
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79
whetting
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| v.（在石头上）磨（刀、斧等）( whet的现在分词 )；引起，刺激（食欲、欲望、兴趣等） | |
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80
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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81
curry
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| n.咖哩粉，咖哩饭菜；v.用咖哩粉调味，用马栉梳，制革 | |
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82
colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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83
celebrity
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| n.名人，名流；著名，名声，名望 | |
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84
stunning
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| adj.极好的；使人晕倒的 | |
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85
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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86
aggravating
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| adj.恼人的，讨厌的 | |
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87
placidly
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| adv.平稳地，平静地 | |
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88
novices
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| n.新手( novice的名词复数 )；初学修士（或修女）；（修会等的）初学生；尚未赢过大赛的赛马 | |
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89
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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90
monarch
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| n.帝王，君主，最高统治者 | |
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judicious
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| adj.明智的，明断的，能作出明智决定的 | |
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antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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93
conqueror
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| n.征服者，胜利者 | |
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posterity
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| n.后裔，子孙，后代 | |
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95
collateral
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| adj.平行的；旁系的；n.担保品 | |
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perpendicular
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| adj.垂直的，直立的；n.垂直线，垂直的位置 | |
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sardines
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| n. 沙丁鱼 | |
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98
strenuous
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| adj.奋发的，使劲的；紧张的；热烈的，狂热的 | |
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refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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pegged
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| v.用夹子或钉子固定( peg的过去式和过去分词 )；使固定在某水平 | |
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101
postscript
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| n.附言，又及；(正文后的)补充说明 | |
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102
aslant
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| adv.倾斜地；adj.斜的 | |
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103
lashes
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| n.鞭挞( lash的名词复数 )；鞭子；突然猛烈的一击；急速挥动v.鞭打( lash的第三人称单数 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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104
lame
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| adj.跛的，(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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106
privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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108
appreciations
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| n.欣赏( appreciation的名词复数 )；感激；评定；（尤指土地或财产的）增值 | |
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109
cozy
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| adj.亲如手足的，密切的，暖和舒服的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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111
marrow
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| n.骨髓；精华；活力 | |
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112
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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annihilated
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| v.（彻底）消灭( annihilate的过去式和过去分词 )；使无效；废止；彻底击溃 | |
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114
shudders
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| n.颤动，打颤，战栗( shudder的名词复数 )v.战栗( shudder的第三人称单数 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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115
crater
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| n.火山口，弹坑 | |
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116
underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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117
woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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118
brew
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| v.酿造，调制 | |
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119
expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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120
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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121
jaws
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| n.口部；嘴 | |
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122
ingenuities
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| 足智多谋，心灵手巧( ingenuity的名词复数 ) | |
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123
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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124
bolstering
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| v.支持( bolster的现在分词 )；支撑；给予必要的支持；援助 | |
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125
ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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126
solicitous
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| adj.热切的，挂念的 | |
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127
embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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128
pout
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| v.撅嘴；绷脸；n.撅嘴；生气，不高兴 | |
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129
hospitable
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| adj.好客的；宽容的；有利的，适宜的 | |
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