"Well, Skinner, my man," said Jimmy, "how goes it?"Mr. Crocker looked about him cautiously. Then his priestly mannerfell from him like a robe, and he bounded forward.
"Jimmy!" he exclaimed, seizing his son's hand and shaking itviolently. "Say, it's great seeing you again, Jim!"Jimmy drew himself up haughtily.
"Skinner, my good menial, you forget yourself strangely! You willbe getting fired if you mitt the handsome guest in this chummyfashion!" He slapped his father on the back. "Dad, this is great!
How on earth do you come to be here? What's the idea? Why thebuttling? When did you come over? Tell me all!"Mr. Crocker hoisted himself nimbly onto the writing-desk, and satthere, beaming, with dangling legs.
"It was your letter that did it, Jimmy. Say, Jim, there wasn'tany need for you to do a thing like that just for me.""Well, I thought you would have a better chance of being a peerwithout me around. By the way, dad, how did my step-mother takethe Lord Percy episode?"A shadow fell upon Mr. Crocker's happy face.
"I don't like to do much thinking about your step-mother," hesaid. "She was pretty sore about Percy. And she was pretty soreabout your lighting out for America. But, gee! what she must befeeling like now that I've come over, I daren't let myselfthink.""You haven't explained that yet. Why did you come over?""Well, I'd been feeling homesick--I always do over there in thebaseball season--and then talking with Pett made it worse--""Talking with Pett? Did you see him, then, when he was inLondon?""See him? I let him in!""How?""Into the house, I mean. I had just gone to the front door to seewhat sort of a day it was--I wanted to know if there had beenenough rain in the night to stop my having to watch that cricketgame--and just as I got there the bell rang. I opened the door.""A revoltingly plebeian thing to do! I'm ashamed of you, dad!
They won't stand for that sort of thing in the House of Lords!""Well, before I knew what was happening they had taken me for thebutler. I didn't want your step-mother to know I'd been openingdoors--you remember how touchy she was always about it so I justlet it go at that and jollied them along. But I just couldn'thelp asking the old man how the pennant race was making out, andthat tickled him so much that he offered me a job here as butlerif I ever wanted to make a change. And then your note came sayingthat you were going to New York, and--well, I couldn't helpmyself. You couldn't have kept me in London with ropes. I sneakedout next day and bought a passage on the _Carmantic_--she sailedthe Wednesday after you left--and came straight here. They gaveme this job right away." Mr. Crocker paused, and a holy light ofenthusiasm made his homely features almost beautiful. "Say, Jim,I've seen a ball-game every darned day since I landed! Say, twodays running Larry Doyle made home-runs! But, gosh! that guy Klemis one swell robber! See here!" Mr. Crocker sprang down from thedesk, and snatched up a handful of books, which he proceeded todistribute about the floor. "There were two men on bases in thesixth and What's-his-name came to bat. He lined one out tocentre-field--where this book is--and--""Pull yourself together, Skinner! You can't monkey about with theemployer's library like that." Jimmy restored the books to theirplaces. "Simmer down and tell me more. Postpone the gossip fromthe diamond. What plans have you made? Have you considered thefuture at all? You aren't going to hold down this buttling jobforever, are you? When do you go back to London?"The light died out of Mr. Crocker's face.
"I guess I shall have to go back some time. But how can I yet,with the Giants leading the league like this?""But did you just light out without saying anything?""I left a note for your step-mother telling her I had gone toAmerica for a vacation. Jimmy, I hate to think what she's goingto do to me when she gets me back!""Assert yourself, dad! Tell her that woman's place is the homeand man's the ball-park! Be firm!"Mr. Crocker shook his head dubiously.
"It's all very well to talk that way when you're three thousandmiles from home, but you know as well as I do, Jim, that yourstep-mother, though she's a delightful woman, isn't the sort youcan assert yourself with. Look at this sister of hers here. Iguess you haven't been in the house long enough to have noticed,but she's very like Eugenia in some ways. She's the boss allright, and old Pett does just what he's told to. I guess it's thesame with me, Jim. There's a certain type of man that's just bornto have it put over on him by a certain type of woman. I'm thatsort of man and your stepmother's that sort of woman. No, I guessI'm going to get mine all right, and the only thing to do is tokeep it from stopping me having a good time now."There was truth in what he said, and Jimmy recognised it. Hechanged the subject.
"Well, never mind that. There's no sense in worrying oneselfabout the future. Tell me, dad, where did you get all the'dinner-is-served, madam' stuff? How did you ever learn to be abutler?""Bayliss taught me back in London. And, of course, I've playedbutlers when I was on the stage."Jimmy did not speak for a moment.
"Did you ever play a kidnapper, dad?" he asked at length.
"Sure. I was Chicago Ed. in a crook play called 'This Way Out.'
Why, surely you saw me in that? I got some good notices."Jimmy nodded.
"Of course. I knew I'd seen you play that sort of part some time.
You came on during the dark scene and--""--switched on the lights and--""--covered the bunch with your gun while they were stillblinking! You were great in that part, dad.""It was a good part," said Mr. Crocker modestly. "It had fat. I'dlike to have a chance to play a kidnapper again. There's a lot ofpep to kidnappers.""You _shall_ play one again," said Jimmy. "I am putting on a littlesketch with a kidnapper as the star part.""Eh? A sketch? You, Jim? Where?""Here. In this house. It is entitled 'Kidnapping Ogden' and opensto-night."Mr. Crocker looked at his only son in concern. Jimmy appeared tohim to be rambling.
"Amateur theatricals?" he hazarded.
"In the sense that there is no pay for performing, yes. Dad, youknow that kid Ogden upstairs? Well, it's quite simple. I want youto kidnap him for me."Mr. Crocker sat down heavily. He shook his head.
"I don't follow all this.""Of course not. I haven't begun to explain. Dad, in your ramblesthrough this joint you've noticed a girl with glorious red-goldhair, I imagine?""Ann Chester?""Ann Chester. I'm going to marry her.""Jimmy!""But she doesn't know it yet. Now, follow me carefully, dad. Fiveyears ago Ann Chester wrote a book of poems. It's on that deskthere. You were using it a moment back as second-base orsomething. Now, I was working at that time on the _Chronicle_. Iwrote a skit on those poems for the Sunday paper. Do you begin tofollow the plot?""She's got it in for you? She's sore?""Exactly. Get that firmly fixed in your mind, because it's thesource from which all the rest of the story springs."Mr. Crocker interrupted.
"But I don't understand. You say she's sore at you. Well, how isit that you came in together looking as if you were good friendswhen I let you in this morning?""I was waiting for you to ask that. The explanation is that shedoesn't know that I am Jimmy Crocker.""But you came here saying that you were Jimmy Crocker.""Quite right. And that is where the plot thickens. I made Ann'sacquaintance first in London and then on the boat. I had foundout that Jimmy Crocker was the man she hated most in the world,so I took another name. I called myself Bayliss.""Bayliss!""I had to think of something quick, because the clerk at theshipping office was waiting to fill in my ticket. I had just beentalking to Bayliss on the phone and his was the only name thatcame into my mind. You know how it is when you try to think of aname suddenly. Now mark the sequel. Old Bayliss came to see meoff at Paddington. Ann was there and saw me. She said 'Goodevening, Mr. Bayliss' or something, and naturally old Baylissreplied 'What ho!' or words to that effect. The only way tohandle the situation was to introduce him as my father. I did so.
Ann, therefore, thinks that I am a young man named Bayliss whohas come over to America to make his fortune. We now come to thethird reel. I met Ann by chance at the Knickerbocker and took herto lunch. While we were lunching, that confirmed congenitalidiot, Reggie Bartling, who happened to have come over to Americaas well, came up and called me by my name. I knew that, if Anndiscovered who I really was, she would have nothing more to dowith me, so I gave Reggie the haughty stare and told him that hehad made a mistake. He ambled away--and possibly committedsuicide in his anguish at having made such a bloomer--leaving Anndiscussing with me the extraordinary coincidence of my beingJimmy Crocker's double. Do you follow the story of my life sofar?"Mr. Crocker, who had been listening with wrinkled brow and othersigns of rapt attention, nodded.
"I understand all that. But how did you come to get into thishouse?""That is reel four. I am getting to that. It seems that Ann, whois the sweetest girl on earth and always on the lookout to dosome one a kindness, had decided, in the interests of the boy'sfuture, to remove young Ogden Ford from his present sphere, wherehe is being spoiled and ruined, and send him down to a man onLong Island who would keep him for awhile and instil the firstprinciples of decency into him. Her accomplice in this admirablescheme was Jerry Mitchell.""Jerry Mitchell!""Who, as you know, got fired yesterday. Jerry was to have donethe rough work of the job. But, being fired, he was no longeravailable. I, therefore, offered to take his place. So here Iam.""You're going to kidnap that boy?""No. You are.""Me!""Precisely. You are going to play a benefit performance of yourworld-famed success, Chicago Ed. Let me explain further. Owing tocircumstances which I need not go into, Ogden has found out thatI am really Jimmy Crocker, so he refuses to have anything more todo with me. I had deceived him into believing that I was aprofessional kidnapper, and he came to me and offered to let mekidnap him if I would go fifty-fifty with him in the ransom!""Gosh!""Yes, he's an intelligent child, full of that sort of brightideas. Well, now he has found that I am not all his fancy paintedme, he wouldn't come away with me; and I want you to understudyme while the going is good. In the fifth reel, which will bereleased to-night after the household has retired to rest, youwill be featured. It's got to be tonight, because it has justoccurred to me that Ogden, knowing that Lord Wisbeach is a crook,may go to him with the same proposal that he made to me.""Lord Wisbeach a crook!""Of the worst description. He is here to steal that explosivestuff of Willie Partridge's. But as I have blocked that play, hemay turn his attention to Ogden.""But, Jimmy, if that fellow is a crook--how do you know he is?""He told me so himself.""Well, then, why don't you expose him?""Because in order to do so, Skinner my man, I should have toexplain that I was really Jimmy Crocker, and the time is not yetripe for that. To my thinking, the time will not be ripe till youhave got safely away with Ogden Ford. I can then go to Ann andsay 'I may have played you a rotten trick in the past, but I havedone you a good turn now, so let's forget the past!' So you seethat everything now depends on you, dad. I'm not asking you to doanything difficult. I'll go round to the boarding-house now andtell Jerry Mitchell about what we have arranged, and have himwaiting outside here in a car. Then all you will have to do is togo to Ogden, play a short scene as Chicago Ed., escort him to thecar, and then go back to bed and have a good sleep. Once Ogdenthinks you are a professional kidnapper, you won't have anydifficulty at all. Get it into your head that he wants to bekidnapped. Surely you can tackle this light and attractive job?
Why, it will be a treat for you to do a bit of character actingonce more!"Jimmy had struck the right note. His father's eyes began to gleamwith excitement. The scent of the footlights seemed to dilate hisnostrils.
"I was always good at that rough-neck stuff," he murmuredmeditatively. "I used to eat it!""Exactly," said Jimmy. "Look at it in the right way, and I amdoing you a kindness in giving you this chance."Mr. Crocker rubbed his cheek with his forefinger.
"You'd want me to make up for the part?" he asked wistfully.
"Of course!""You want me to do it to-night?""At about two in the morning, I thought.""I'll do it, Jim!"Jimmy grasped his hand.
"I knew I could rely on you, dad."Mr. Crocker was following a train of thought.
"Dark wig . . . blue chin . . . heavy eyebrows . . . I guess Ican't do better than my old Chicago Ed. make-up. Say, Jimmy, howam I to get to the kid?""That'll be all right. You can stay in my room till the timecomes to go to him. Use it as a dressing-room.""How am I to get him out of the house?""Through this room. I'll tell Jerry to wait out on theside-street with the car from two o'clock on."Mr. Crocker considered these arrangements.
"That seems to be about all," he said.
"I don't think there's anything else.""I'll slip downtown and buy the props.""I'll go and tell Jerry."A thought struck Mr. Crocker.
"You'd better tell Jerry to make up, too. He doesn't want the kidrecognising him and squealing on him later."Jimmy was lost in admiration of his father's resource.
"You think of everything, dad! That wouldn't have occurred to me.
You certainly do take to Crime in the most wonderful way. Itseems to come naturally to you!"Mr. Crocker smirked modestly.
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