1
I come to the most evasive and difficult part of my story, which is to tell how Isabel and I have made a common wreck2 of our joint3 lives.
It is not the telling of one simple disastrous4 accident. There was a vein5 in our natures that led to this collapse6, gradually and at this point and that it crept to the surface. One may indeed see our destruction--for indeed politically we could not be more extinct if we had been shot dead--in the form of a catastrophe8 as disconnected and conclusive9 as a meteoric10 stone falling out of heaven upon two friends and crushing them both. But I do not think that is true to our situation or ourselves. We were not taken by surprise. The thing was in us and not from without, it was akin11 to our way of thinking and our habitual12 attitudes; it had, for all its impulsive13 effect, a certain necessity. We might have escaped no doubt, as two men at a hundred yards may shoot at each other with pistols for a considerable time and escape. But it isn't particularly reasonable to talk of the contrariety of fate if they both get hit.
Isabel and I were dangerous to each other for several years of friendship, and not quite unwittingly so.
In writing this, moreover, there is a very great difficulty in steering14 my way between two equally undesirable15 tones in the telling. In the first place I do not want to seem to confess my sins with a penitence16 I am very doubtful if I feel. Now that I have got Isabel we can no doubt count the cost of it and feel unquenchable regrets, but I am not sure whether, if we could be put back now into such circumstances as we were in a year ago, or two years ago, whether with my eyes fully17 open I should not do over again very much as I did. And on the other hand I do not want to justify18 the things we have done. We are two bad people--if there is to be any classification of good and bad at all, we have acted badly, and quite apart from any other considerations we've largely wasted our own very great possibilities. But it is part of a queer humour that underlies19 all this, that I find myself slipping again and again into a sentimental20 treatment of our case that is as unpremeditated as it is insincere. When I am a little tired after a morning's writing I find the faint suggestion getting into every other sentence that our blunders and misdeeds embodied21, after the fashion of the prophet Hosea, profound moral truths. Indeed, I feel so little confidence in my ability to keep this altogether out of my book that I warn the reader here that in spite of anything he may read elsewhere in the story, intimating however shyly an esoteric and exalted22 virtue23 in our proceedings24, the plain truth of this business is that Isabel and I wanted each other with a want entirely25 formless, inconsiderate, and overwhelming. And though I could tell you countless26 delightful27 and beautiful things about Isabel, were this a book in her praise, I cannot either analyse that want or account for its extreme intensity28.
I will confess that deep in my mind there is a belief in a sort of wild rightness about any love that is fraught29 with beauty, but that eludes30 me and vanishes again, and is not, I feel, to be put with the real veracities31 and righteousnesses and virtues32 in the paddocks and menageries of human reason....
We have already a child, and Margaret was childless, and I find myself prone33 to insist upon that, as if it was a justification34. But, indeed, when we became lovers there was small thought of Eugenics between us. Ours was a mutual35 and not a philoprogenitive passion. Old Nature behind us may have had such purposes with us, but it is not for us to annex36 her intentions by a moralising afterthought. There isn't, in fact, any decent justification for us whatever--at that the story must stand.
But if there is no justification there is at least a very effective excuse in the mental confusedness of our time. The evasion37 of that passionately38 thorough exposition of belief and of the grounds of morality, which is the outcome of the mercenary religious compromises of the late Vatican period, the stupid suppression of anything but the most timid discussion of sexual morality in our literature and drama, the pervading40 cultivated and protected muddle41-headedness, leaves mentally vigorous people with relatively42 enormous possibilities of destruction and little effective help. They find themselves confronted by the habits and prejudices of manifestly commonplace people, and by that extraordinary patched-up Christianity, the cult1 of a "Bromsteadised" deity43, diffused44, scattered45, and aimless, which hides from examination and any possibility of faith behind the plea of good taste. A god about whom there is delicacy46 is far worse than no god at all. We are FORCED to be laws unto ourselves and to live experimentally. It is inevitable47 that a considerable fraction of just that bolder, more initiatory48 section of the intellectual community, the section that can least be spared from the collective life in a period of trial and change, will drift into such emotional crises and such disaster as overtook us. Most perhaps will escape, but many will go down, many more than the world can spare. It is the unwritten law of all our public life, and the same holds true of America, that an honest open scandal ends a career. England in the last quarter of a century has wasted half a dozen statesmen on this score; she would, I believe, reject Nelson now if he sought to serve her. Is it wonderful that to us fretting49 here in exile this should seem the cruellest as well as the most foolish elimination50 of a necessary social element? It destroys no vice51; for vice hides by nature. It not only rewards dullness as if it were positive virtue, but sets an enormous premium52 upon hypocrisy53. That is my case, and that is why I am telling this side of my story with so much explicitness54.
2
Ever since the Kinghamstead election I had maintained what seemed a desultory55 friendship with Isabel. At first it was rather Isabel kept it up than I. Whenever Margaret and I went down to that villa56, with its three or four acres of garden and shrubbery about it, which fulfilled our election promise to live at Kinghamstead, Isabel would turn up in a state of frank cheerfulness, rejoicing at us, and talk all she was reading and thinking to me, and stay for all the rest of the day. In her shameless liking58 for me she was as natural as a savage59. She would exercise me vigorously at tennis, while Margaret lay and rested her back in the afternoon, or guide me for some long ramble60 that dodged61 the suburban62 and congested patches of the constituency with amazing skill. She took possession of me in that unabashed, straight-minded way a girl will sometimes adopt with a man, chose my path or criticised my game with a motherly solicitude63 for my welfare that was absurd and delightful. And we talked. We discussed and criticised the stories of novels, scraps64 of history, pictures, social questions, socialism, the policy of the Government. She was young and most unevenly65 informed, but she was amazingly sharp and quick and good. Never before in my life had I known a girl of her age, or a woman of her quality. I had never dreamt there was such talk in the world. Kinghamstead became a lightless place when she went to Oxford66. Heaven knows how much that may not have precipitated67 my abandonment of the seat!
She went to Ridout College, Oxford, and that certainly weighed with me when presently after my breach68 with the Liberals various little undergraduate societies began to ask for lectures and discussions. I favoured Oxford. I declared openly I did so because of her. At that time I think we neither of us suspected the possibility of passion that lay like a coiled snake in the path before us. It seemed to us that we had the quaintest69, most delightful friendship in the world; she was my pupil, and I was her guide, philosopher, and friend. People smiled indulgently--even Margaret smiled indulgently--at our attraction for one another.
Such friendships are not uncommon70 nowadays--among easy-going, liberal-minded people. For the most part, there's no sort of harm, as people say, in them. The two persons concerned are never supposed to think of the passionate39 love that hovers71 so close to the friendship, or if they do, then they banish72 the thought. I think we kept the thought as permanently73 in exile as any one could do. If it did in odd moments come into our heads we pretended elaborately it wasn't there.
Only we were both very easily jealous of each other's attention, and tremendously insistent74 upon each other's preference.
I remember once during the Oxford days an intimation that should have set me thinking, and I suppose discreetly75 disentangling myself. It was one Sunday afternoon, and it must have been about May, for the trees and shrubs76 of Ridout College were gay with blossom, and fresh with the new sharp greens of spring. I had walked talking with Isabel and a couple of other girls through the wide gardens of the place, seen and criticised the new brick pond, nodded to the daughter of this friend and that in the hammocks under the trees, and picked a way among the scattered tea-parties on the lawn to our own circle on the grass under a Siberian crab77 near the great bay window. There I sat and ate great quantities of cake, and discussed the tactics of the Suffragettes. I had made some comments upon the spirit of the movement in an address to the men in Pembroke, and it had got abroad, and a group of girls and women dons were now having it out with me.
I forget the drift of the conversation, or what it was made Isabel interrupt me. She did interrupt me. She had been lying prone on the ground at my right hand, chin on fists, listening thoughtfully, and I was sitting beside old Lady Evershead on a garden seat. I turned to Isabel's voice, and saw her face uplifted, and her dear cheeks and nose and forehead all splashed and barred with sunlight and the shadows of the twigs78 of the trees behind me. And something--an infinite tenderness, stabbed me. It was a keen physical feeling, like nothing I had ever felt before. It had a quality of tears in it. For the first time in my narrow and concentrated life another human being had really thrust into my being and gripped my very heart.
Our eyes met perplexed80 for an extraordinary moment. Then I turned back and addressed myself a little stiffly to the substance of her intervention81. For some time I couldn't look at her again.
From that time forth82 I knew I loved Isabel beyond measure.
Yet it is curious that it never occurred to me for a year or so that this was likely to be a matter of passion between us. I have told how definitely I put my imagination into harness in those matters at my marriage, and I was living now in a world of big interests, where there is neither much time nor inclination83 for deliberate love-making. I suppose there is a large class of men who never meet a girl or a woman without thinking of sex, who meet a friend's daughter and decide: "Mustn't get friendly with her--wouldn't DO," and set invisible bars between themselves and all the wives in the world. Perhaps that is the way to live. Perhaps there is no other method than this effectual annihilation of half--and the most sympathetic and attractive half--of the human beings in the world, so far as any frank intercourse84 is concerned. I am quite convinced anyhow that such a qualified85 intimacy86 as ours, such a drifting into the sense of possession, such untrammeled conversation with an invisible, implacable limit set just where the intimacy glows, it is no kind of tolerable compromise. If men and women are to go so far together, they must be free to go as far as they may want to go, without the vindictive87 destruction that has come upon us. On the basis of the accepted codes the jealous people are right, and the liberal-minded ones are playing with fire. If people are not to love, then they must be kept apart. If they are not to be kept apart, then we must prepare for an unprecedented88 toleration of lovers.
Isabel was as unforeseeing as I to begin with, but sex marches into the life of an intelligent girl with demands and challenges far more urgent than the mere89 call of curiosity and satiable desire that comes to a young man. No woman yet has dared to tell the story of that unfolding. She attracted men, and she encouraged them, and watched them, and tested them, and dismissed them, and concealed90 the substance of her thoughts about them in the way that seems instinctive91 in a natural-minded girl. There was even an engagement--amidst the protests and disapproval92 of the college authorities. I never saw the man, though she gave me a long history of the affair, to which I listened with a forced and insincere sympathy. She struck me oddly as taking the relationship for a thing in itself, and regardless of its consequences. After a time she became silent about him, and then threw him over; and by that time, I think, for all that she was so much my junior, she knew more about herself and me than I was to know for several years to come.
We didn't see each other for some months after my resignation, but we kept up a frequent correspondence. She said twice over that she wanted to talk to me, that letters didn't convey what one wanted to say, and I went up to Oxford pretty definitely to see her--though I combined it with one or two other engagements--somewhere in February. Insensibly she had become important enough for me to make journeys for her.
But we didn't see very much of one another on that occasion. There was something in the air between us that made a faint embarrassment93; the mere fact, perhaps, that she had asked me to come up.
A year before she would have dashed off with me quite unscrupulously to talk alone, carried me off to her room for an hour with a minute of chaperonage to satisfy the rules. Now there was always some one or other near us that it seemed impossible to exorcise.
We went for a walk on the Sunday afternoon with old Fortescue, K. C., who'd come up to see his two daughters, both great friends of Isabel's, and some mute inglorious don whose name I forget, but who was in a state of marked admiration94 for her. The six of us played a game of conversational95 entanglements96 throughout, and mostly I was impressing the Fortescue girls with the want of mental concentration possible in a rising politician. We went down Carfex, I remember, to Folly97 Bridge, and inspected the Barges98, and then back by way of Merton to the Botanic Gardens and Magdalen Bridge. And in the Botanic Gardens she got almost her only chance with me.
"Last months at Oxford," she said.
"And then?" I asked.
"I'm coming to London," she said.
"To write?"
She was silent for a moment. Then she said abruptly99, with that quick flush of hers and a sudden boldness in her eyes: "I'm going to work with you. Why shouldn't I?"
3
Here, again, I suppose I had a fair warning of the drift of things. I seem to remember myself in the train to Paddington, sitting with a handful of papers--galley proofs for the BLUE WEEKLY, I suppose--on my lap, and thinking about her and that last sentence of hers, and all that it might mean to me.
It is very hard to recall even the main outline of anything so elusive100 as a meditation101. I know that the idea of working with her gripped me, fascinated me. That my value in her life seemed growing filled me with pride and a kind of gratitude102. I was already in no doubt that her value in my life was tremendous. It made it none the less, that in those days I was obsessed103 by the idea that she was transitory, and bound to go out of my life again. It is no good trying to set too fine a face upon this complex business, there is gold and clay and sunlight and savagery104 in every love story, and a multitude of elvish elements peeped out beneath the fine rich curtain of affection that masked our future. I've never properly weighed how immensely my vanity was gratified by her clear preference for me. Nor can I for a moment determine how much deliberate intention I hide from myself in this affair.
Certainly I think some part of me must have been saying in the train: "Leave go of her. Get away from her. End this now." I can't have been so stupid as not to have had that in my mind....
If she had been only a beautiful girl in love with me, I think I could have managed the situation. Once or twice since my marriage and before Isabel became of any significance in my life, there had been incidents with other people, flashes of temptation--no telling is possible of the thing resisted. I think that mere beauty and passion would not have taken me. But between myself and Isabel things were incurably105 complicated by the intellectual sympathy we had, the jolly march of our minds together. That has always mattered enormously. I should have wanted her company nearly as badly if she had been some crippled old lady; we would have hunted shoulder to shoulder, as two men. Only two men would never have had the patience and readiness for one another we two had. I had never for years met any one with whom I could be so carelessly sure of understanding or to whom I could listen so easily and fully. She gave me, with an extraordinary completeness, that rare, precious effect of always saying something fresh, and yet saying it so that it filled into and folded about all the little recesses107 and corners of my mind with an infinite, soft familiarity. It is impossible to explain that. It is like trying to explain why her voice, her voice heard speaking to any one--heard speaking in another room--pleased my ears.
She was the only Oxford woman who took a first that year. She spent the summer in Scotland and Yorkshire, writing to me continually of all she now meant to do, and stirring my imagination. She came to London for the autumn session. For a time she stayed with old Lady Colbeck, but she fell out with her hostess when it became clear she wanted to write, not novels, but journalism108, and then she set every one talking by taking a flat near Victoria and installing as her sole protector an elderly German governess she had engaged through a scholastic109 agency. She began writing, not in that copious110 flood the undisciplined young woman of gifts is apt to produce, but in exactly the manner of an able young man, experimenting with forms, developing the phrasing of opinions, taking a definite line. She was, of course, tremendously discussed. She was disapproved111 of, but she was invited out to dinner. She got rather a reputation for the management of elderly distinguished112 men. It was an odd experience to follow Margaret's soft rustle113 of silk into some big drawing-room and discover my snub-nosed girl in the blue sack transformed into a shining creature in the soft splendour of pearls and ivory-white and lace, and with a silver band about her dusky hair.
For a time we did not meet very frequently, though always she professed114 an unblushing preference for my company, and talked my views and sought me out. Then her usefulness upon the BLUE WEEKLY began to link us closelier. She would come up to the office, and sit by the window, and talk over the proofs of the next week's articles, going through my intentions with a keen investigatory scalpel. Her talk always puts me in mind of a steel blade. Her writing became rapidly very good; she had a wit and a turn of the phrase that was all her own. We seemed to have forgotten the little shadow of embarrassment that had fallen over our last meeting at Oxford. Everything seemed natural and easy between us in those days; a little unconventional, but that made it all the brighter.
We developed something like a custom of walks, about once a week or so, and letters and notes became frequent. I won't pretend things were not keenly personal between us, but they had an air of being innocently mental. She used to call me "Master" in our talks, a monstrous115 and engaging flattery, and I was inordinately116 proud to have her as my pupil. Who wouldn't have been? And we went on at that distance for a long time--until within a year of the Handitch election.
After Lady Colbeck threw her up as altogether too "intellectual" for comfortable control, Isabel was taken up by the Balfes in a less formal and compromising manner, and week-ended with them and their cousin Leonora Sparling, and spent large portions of her summer with them in Herefordshire. There was a lover or so in that time, men who came a little timidly at this brilliant young person with the frank manner and the Amazonian mind, and, she declared, received her kindly117 refusals with manifest relief. And Arnold Shoesmith struck up a sort of friendship that oddly imitated mine. She took a liking to him because he was clumsy and shy and inexpressive; she embarked119 upon the dangerous interest of helping120 him to find his soul. I had some twinges of jealousy121 about that. I didn't see the necessity of him. He invaded her time, and I thought that might interfere122 with her work. If their friendship stole some hours from Isabel's writing, it did not for a long while interfere with our walks or our talks, or the close intimacy we had together.
4
Then suddenly Isabel and I found ourselves passionately in love.
The change came so entirely without warning or intention that I find it impossible now to tell the order of its phases. What disturbed pebble123 started the avalanche124 I cannot trace. Perhaps it was simply that the barriers between us and this masked aspect of life had been wearing down unperceived.
And there came a change in Isabel. It was like some change in the cycle of nature, like the onset125 of spring--a sharp brightness, an uneasiness. She became restless with her work; little encounters with men began to happen, encounters not quite in the quality of the earlier proposals; and then came an odd incident of which she told me, but somehow, I felt, didn't tell me completely. She told me all she was able to tell me. She had been at a dance at the Ropers', and a man, rather well known in London, had kissed her. The thing amazed her beyond measure. It was the sort of thing immediately possible between any man and any woman, that one never expects to happen until it happens. It had the surprising effect of a judge generally known to be bald suddenly whipping off his wig79 in court. No absolutely unexpected revelation could have quite the same quality of shock. She went through the whole thing to me with a remarkable126 detachment, told me how she had felt--and the odd things it seemed to open to her.
"I WANT to be kissed, and all that sort of thing," she avowed127. "I suppose every woman does."
She added after a pause: "And I don't want any one to do it."
This struck me as queerly expressive118 of the woman's attitude to these things. "Some one presently will--solve that," I said.
"Some one will perhaps."
I was silent.
"Some one will," she said, almost viciously. "And then we'll have to stop these walks and talks of ours, dear Master.... I'll be sorry to give them up."
"It's part of the requirements of the situation," I said, "that he should be--oh, very interesting! He'll start, no doubt, all sorts of new topics, and open no end of attractive vistas128.... You can't, you know, always go about in a state of pupillage."
"I don't think I can," said Isabel. "But it's only just recently I've begun to doubt about it."
I remember these things being said, but just how much we saw and understood, and just how far we were really keeping opaque129 to each other then, I cannot remember. But it must have been quite soon after this that we spent nearly a whole day together at Kew Gardens, with the curtains up and the barriers down, and the thing that had happened plain before our eyes. I don't remember we ever made any declaration. We just assumed the new footing....
It was a day early in that year--I think in January, because there was thin, crisp snow on the grass, and we noted130 that only two other people had been to the Pagoda131 that day. I've a curious impression of greenish colour, hot, moist air and huge palm fronds132 about very much of our talk, as though we were nearly all the time in the Tropical House. But I also remember very vividly133 looking at certain orange and red spray-like flowers from Patagonia, which could not have been there. It is a curious thing that I do not remember we made any profession of passionate love for one another; we talked as though the fact of our intense love for each other had always been patent between us. There was so long and frank an intimacy between us that we talked far more like brother and sister or husband and wife than two people engaged in the war of the sexes. We wanted to know what we were going to do, and whatever we did we meant to do in the most perfect concert. We both felt an extraordinary accession of friendship and tenderness then, and, what again is curious, very little passion. But there was also, in spite of the perplexities we faced, an immense satisfaction about that day. It was as if we had taken off something that had hindered our view of each other, like people who unvizored to talk more easily at a masked ball.
I've had since to view our relations from the standpoint of the ordinary observer. I find that vision in the most preposterous134 contrast with all that really went on between us. I suppose there I should figure as a wicked seducer135, while an unprotected girl succumbed136 to my fascinations137. As a matter of fact, it didn't occur to us that there was any personal inequality between us. I knew her for my equal mentally; in so many things she was beyond comparison cleverer than I; her courage outwent mine. The quick leap of her mind evoked138 a flash of joy in mine like the response of an induction139 wire; her way of thinking was like watching sunlight reflected from little waves upon the side of a boat, it was so bright, so mobile, so variously and easily true to its law. In the back of our minds we both had a very definite belief that making love is full of joyous140, splendid, tender, and exciting possibilities, and we had to discuss why we shouldn't be to the last degree lovers.
Now, what I should like to print here, if it were possible, in all the screaming emphasis of red ink, is this: that the circumstances of my upbringing and the circumstances of Isabel's upbringing had left not a shadow of belief or feeling that the utmost passionate love between us was in itself intrinsically WRONG. I've told with the fullest particularity just all that I was taught or found out for myself in these matters, and Isabel's reading and thinking, and the fierce silences of her governesses and the breathless warnings of teachers, and all the social and religious influences that had been brought to bear upon her, had worked out to the same void of conviction. The code had failed with us altogether. We didn't for a moment consider anything but the expediency141 of what we both, for all our quiet faces and steady eyes, wanted most passionately to do.
Well, here you have the state of mind of whole brigades of people, and particularly of young people, nowadays. The current morality hasn't gripped them; they don't really believe in it at all. They may render it lip-service, but that is quite another thing. There are scarcely any tolerable novels to justify its prohibitions142; its prohibitions do, in fact, remain unjustified amongst these ugly suppressions. You may, if you choose, silence the admission of this in literature and current discussion; you will not prevent it working out in lives. People come up to the great moments of passion crudely unaware144, astoundingly unprepared as no really civilised and intelligently planned community would let any one be unprepared. They find themselves hedged about with customs that have no organic hold upon them, and mere discretions all generous spirits are disposed to despise.
Consider the infinite absurdities146 of it! Multitudes of us are trying to run this complex modern community on a basis of "Hush147" without explaining to our children or discussing with them anything about love and marriage at all. Doubt and knowledge creep about in enforced darknesses and silences. We are living upon an ancient tradition which everybody doubts and nobody has ever analysed. We affect a tremendous and cultivated shyness and delicacy about imperatives148 of the most arbitrary appearance. What ensues? What did ensue with us, for example? On the one hand was a great desire, robbed of any appearance of shame and grossness by the power of love, and on the other hand, the possible jealousy of so and so, the disapproval of so and so, material risks and dangers. It is only in the retrospect149 that we have been able to grasp something of the effectual case against us. The social prohibition143 lit by the intense glow of our passion, presented itself as preposterous, irrational150, arbitrary, and ugly, a monster fit only for mockery. We might be ruined! Well, there is a phase in every love affair, a sort of heroic hysteria, when death and ruin are agreeable additions to the prospect151. It gives the business a gravity, a solemnity. Timid people may hesitate and draw back with a vague instinctive terror of the immensity of the oppositions152 they challenge, but neither Isabel nor I are timid people.
We weighed what was against us. We decided153 just exactly as scores of thousands of people have decided in this very matter, that if it were possible to keep this thing to ourselves, there was nothing against it. And so we took our first step. With the hunger of love in us, it was easy to conclude we might be lovers, and still keep everything to ourselves. That cleared our minds of the one persistent154 obstacle that mattered to us--the haunting presence of Margaret.
And then we found, as all those scores of thousands of people scattered about us have found, that we could not keep it to ourselves. Love will out. All the rest of this story is the chronicle of that. Love with sustained secrecy155 cannot be love. It is just exactly the point people do not understand.
5
But before things came to that pass, some months and many phases and a sudden journey to America intervened.
"This thing spells disaster," I said. "You are too big and I am too big to attempt this secrecy. Think of the intolerable possibility of being found out! At any cost we have to stop--even at the cost of parting."
"Just because we may be found out!"
"Just because we may be found out."
"Master, I shouldn't in the least mind being found out with you. I'm afraid--I'd be proud."
"Wait till it happens."
There followed a struggle of immense insincerity between us. It is hard to tell who urged and who resisted.
She came to me one night to the editorial room of the BLUE WEEKLY, and argued and kissed me with wet salt lips, and wept in my arms; she told me that now passionate longing156 for me and my intimate life possessed157 her, so that she could not work, could not think, could not endure other people for the love of me....
I fled absurdly. That is the secret of the futile158 journey to America that puzzled all my friends.
I ran away from Isabel. I took hold of the situation with all my strength, put in Britten with sketchy159, hasty instructions to edit the paper, and started headlong and with luggage, from which, among other things, my shaving things were omitted, upon a tour round the world.
Preposterous flight that was! I remember as a thing almost farcical my explanations to Margaret, and how frantically160 anxious I was to prevent the remote possibility of her coming with me, and how I crossed in the TUSCAN, a bad, wet boat, and mixed seasickness161 with ungovernable sorrow. I wept--tears. It was inexpressibly queer and ridiculous--and, good God! how I hated my fellow-passengers!
New York inflamed162 and excited me for a time, and when things slackened, I whirled westward163 to Chicago--eating and drinking, I remember, in the train from shoals of little dishes, with a sort of desperate voracity164. I did the queerest things to distract myself--no novelist would dare to invent my mental and emotional muddle. Chicago also held me at first, amazing lapse7 from civilisation165 that the place is! and then abruptly, with hosts expecting me, and everything settled for some days in Denver, I found myself at the end of my renunciations, and turned and came back headlong to London.
Let me confess it wasn't any sense of perfect and incurable166 trust and confidence that brought me back, or any idea that now I had strength to refrain. It was a sudden realisation that after all the separation might succeed; some careless phrasing in one of her jealously read letters set that idea going in my mind--the haunting perception that I might return to London and find it empty of the Isabel who had pervaded167 it. Honour, discretion145, the careers of both of us, became nothing at the thought. I couldn't conceive my life resuming there without Isabel. I couldn't, in short, stand it.
I don't even excuse my return. It is inexcusable. I ought to have kept upon my way westward--and held out. I couldn't. I wanted Isabel, and I wanted her so badly now that everything else in the world was phantom-like until that want was satisfied. Perhaps you have never wanted anything like that. I went straight to her.
But here I come to untellable things. There is no describing the reality of love. The shapes of things are nothing, the actual happenings are nothing, except that somehow there falls a light upon them and a wonder. Of how we met, and the thrill of the adventure, the curious bright sense of defiance168, the joy of having dared, I can't tell--I can but hint of just one aspect, of what an amazing LARK--it's the only word--it seemed to us. The beauty which was the essence of it, which justifies169 it so far as it will bear justification, eludes statement.
What can a record of contrived170 meetings, of sundering171 difficulties evaded172 and overcome, signify here? Or what can it convey to say that one looked deep into two dear, steadfast173 eyes, or felt a heart throb174 and beat, or gripped soft hair softly in a trembling hand? Robbed of encompassing175 love, these things are of no more value than the taste of good wine or the sight of good pictures, or the hearing of music,--just sensuality and no more. No one can tell love--we can only tell the gross facts of love and its consequences. Given love--given mutuality176, and one has effected a supreme177 synthesis and come to a new level of life--but only those who know can know. This business has brought me more bitterness and sorrow than I had ever expected to bear, but even now I will not say that I regret that wilful178 home-coming altogether. We loved--to the uttermost. Neither of us could have loved any one else as we did and do love one another. It was ours, that beauty; it existed only between us when we were close together, for no one in the world ever to know save ourselves.
My return to the office sticks out in my memory with an extreme vividness, because of the wild eagle of pride that screamed within me. It was Tuesday morning, and though not a soul in London knew of it yet except Isabel, I had been back in England a week. I came in upon Britten and stood in the doorway179.
"GOD!" he said at the sight of me.
"I'm back," I said.
He looked at my excited face with those red-brown eyes of his. Silently I defied him to speak his mind.
"Where did you turn back?" he said at last.
6
I had to tell what were, so far as I can remember my first positive lies to Margaret in explaining that return. I had written to her from Chicago and again from New York, saying that I felt I ought to be on the spot in England for the new session, and that I was coming back--presently. I concealed the name of my boat from her, and made a calculated prevarication180 when I announced my presence in London. I telephoned before I went back for my rooms to be prepared. She was, I knew, with the Bunting Harblows in Durham, and when she came back to Radnor Square I had been at home a day.
I remember her return so well.
My going away and the vivid secret of the present had wiped out from my mind much of our long estrangement181. Something, too, had changed in her. I had had some hint of it in her letters, but now I saw it plainly. I came out of my study upon the landing when I heard the turmoil182 of her arrival below, and she came upstairs with a quickened gladness. It was a cold March, and she was dressed in unfamiliar183 dark furs that suited her extremely and reinforced the delicate flush of her sweet face. She held out both her hands to me, and drew me to her unhesitatingly and kissed me.
"So glad you are back, dear," she said. "Oh! so very glad you are back."
I returned her kiss with a queer feeling at my heart, too undifferentiated to be even a definite sense of guilt184 or meanness. I think it was chiefly amazement--at the universe--at myself.
"I never knew what it was to be away from you," she said.
I perceived suddenly that she had resolved to end our estrangement. She put herself so that my arm came caressingly185 about her.
"These are jolly furs," I said.
"I got them for you."
The parlourmaid appeared below dealing186 with the maid and the luggage cab.
"Tell me all about America," said Margaret. "I feel as though you'd been away six year's."
We went arm in arm into our little sitting-room187, and I took off the fur's for her and sat down upon the chintz-covered sofa by the fire. She had ordered tea, and came and sat by me. I don't know what I had expected, but of all things I had certainly not expected this sudden abolition188 of our distances.
"I want to know all about America," she repeated, with her eyes scrutinising me. "Why did you come back?"
I repeated the substance of my letters rather lamely189, and she sat listening.
"But why did you turn back--without going to Denver?"
"I wanted to come back. I was restless."
"Restlessness," she said, and thought. "You were restless in Venice. You said it was restlessness took you to America."
Again she studied me. She turned a little awkwardly to her tea things, and poured needless water from the silver kettle into the teapot. Then she sat still for some moments looking at the equipage with expressionless eyes. I saw her hand upon the edge of the table tremble slightly. I watched her closely. A vague uneasiness possessed me. What might she not know or guess?
She spoke190 at last with an effort. "I wish you were in Parliament again," she said. "Life doesn't give you events enough."
"If I was in Parliament again, I should be on the Conservative side."
"I know," she said, and was still more thoughtful.
"Lately," she began, and paused. "Lately I've been reading--you."
I didn't help her out with what she had to say. I waited.
"I didn't understand what you were after. I had misjudged. I didn't know. I think perhaps I was rather stupid." Her eyes were suddenly shining with tears. "You didn't give me much chance to understand."
She turned upon me suddenly with a voice full of tears.
"Husband," she said abruptly, holding her two hands out to me, "I want to begin over again!"
I took her hands, perplexed beyond measure. "My dear!" I said.
"I want to begin over again."
I bowed my head to hide my face, and found her hand in mine and kissed it.
"Ah!" she said, and slowly withdrew her hand. She leant forward with her arm on the sofa-back, and looked very intently into my face. I felt the most damnable scoundrel in the world as I returned her gaze. The thought of Isabel's darkly shining eyes seemed like a physical presence between us....
"Tell me," I said presently, to break the intolerable tension, "tell me plainly what you mean by this."
I sat a little away from her, and then took my teacup in hand, with an odd effect of defending myself. "Have you been reading that old book of mine?" I asked.
"That and the paper. I took a complete set from the beginning down to Durham with me. I have read it over, thought it over. I didn't understand--what you were teaching."
There was a little pause.
"It all seems so plain to me now," she said, "and so true."
I was profoundly disconcerted. I put down my teacup, stood up in the middle of the hearthrug, and began talking. "I'm tremendously glad, Margaret, that you've come to see I'm not altogether perverse," I began. I launched out into a rather trite191 and windy exposition of my views, and she sat close to me on the sofa, looking up into my face, hanging on my words, a deliberate and invincible192 convert.
"Yes," she said, "yes."...
I had never doubted my new conceptions before; now I doubted them profoundly. But I went on talking. It's the grim irony193 in the lives of all politicians, writers, public teachers, that once the audience is at their feet, a new loyalty194 has gripped them. It isn't their business to admit doubt and imperfections. They have to go on talking. And I was now so accustomed to Isabel's vivid interruptions, qualifications, restatements, and confirmations195....
Margaret and I dined together at home. She made me open out my political projects to her. "I have been foolish," she said. "I want to help."
And by some excuse I have forgotten she made me come to her room. I think it was some book I had to take her, some American book I had brought back with me, and mentioned in our talk. I walked in with it, and put it down on the table and turned to go.
"Husband!" she cried, and held out her slender arms to me. I was compelled to go to her and kiss her, and she twined them softly about my neck and drew me to her and kissed me. I disentangled them very gently, and took each wrist and kissed it, and the backs of her hands.
"Good-night," I said. There came a little pause. "Good-night, Margaret," I repeated, and walked very deliberately196 and with a kind of sham57 preoccupation to the door.
I did not look at her, but I could feel her standing106, watching me. If I had looked up, she would, I knew, have held out her arms to me....
At the very outset that secret, which was to touch no one but Isabel and myself, had reached out to stab another human being.
7
The whole world had changed for Isabel and me; and we tried to pretend that nothing had changed except a small matter between us. We believed quite honestly at that time that it was possible to keep this thing that had happened from any reaction at all, save perhaps through some magically enhanced vigour197 in our work, upon the world about us! Seen in retrospect, one can realise the absurdity198 of this belief; within a week I realised it; but that does not alter the fact that we did believe as much, and that people who are deeply in love and unable to marry will continue to believe so to the very end of time. They will continue to believe out of existence every consideration that separates them until they have come together. Then they will count the cost, as we two had to do.
I am telling a story, and not propounding199 theories in this book; and chiefly I am telling of the ideas and influences and emotions that have happened to me--me as a sort of sounding board for my world. The moralist is at liberty to go over my conduct with his measure and say, "At this point or at that you went wrong, and you ought to have done"--so-and-so. The point of interest to the statesman is that it didn't for a moment occur to us to do so-and-so when the time for doing it came. It amazes me now to think how little either of us troubled about the established rights or wrongs of the situation. We hadn't an atom of respect for them, innate200 or acquired. The guardians201 of public morals will say we were very bad people; I submit in defence that they are very bad guardians--provocative guardians.... And when at last there came a claim against us that had an effective validity for us, we were in the full tide of passionate intimacy.
I had a night of nearly sleepless202 perplexity after Margaret's return. She had suddenly presented herself to me like something dramatically recalled, fine, generous, infinitely203 capable of feeling. I was amazed how much I had forgotten her. In my contempt for vulgarised and conventionalised honour I had forgotten that for me there was such a reality as honour. And here it was, warm and near to me, living, breathing, unsuspecting. Margaret's pride was my honour, that I had had no right even to imperil.
I do not now remember if I thought at that time of going to Isabel and putting this new aspect of the case before her. Perhaps I did. Perhaps I may have considered even then the possibility of ending what had so freshly and passionately begun. If I did, it vanished next day at the sight of her. Whatever regrets came in the darkness, the daylight brought an obstinate204 confidence in our resolution again. We would, we declared, "pull the thing off." Margaret must not know. Margaret should not know. If Margaret did not know, then no harm whatever would be done. We tried to sustain that....
For a brief time we had been like two people in a magic cell, magically cut off from the world and full of a light of its own, and then we began to realise that we were not in the least cut off, that the world was all about us and pressing in upon us, limiting us, threatening us, resuming possession of us. I tried to ignore the injury to Margaret of her unreciprocated advances. I tried to maintain to myself that this hidden love made no difference to the now irreparable breach between husband and wife. But I never spoke of it to Isabel or let her see that aspect of our case. How could I? The time for that had gone....
Then in new shapes and relations came trouble. Distressful205 elements crept in by reason of our unavoidable furtiveness206; we ignored them, hid them from each other, and attempted to hide them from ourselves. Successful love is a thing of abounding207 pride, and we had to be secret. It was delightful at first to be secret, a whispering, warm conspiracy208; then presently it became irksome and a little shameful209. Her essential frankness of soul was all against the masks and falsehoods that many women would have enjoyed. Together in our secrecy we relaxed, then in the presence of other people again it was tiresome210 to have to watch for the careless, too easy phrase, to snatch back one's hand from the limitless betrayal of a light, familiar touch.
Love becomes a poor thing, at best a poor beautiful thing, if it develops no continuing and habitual intimacy. We were always meeting, and most gloriously loving and beginning--and then we had to snatch at remorseless ticking watches, hurry to catch trains, and go back to this or that. That is all very well for the intrigues211 of idle people perhaps, but not for an intense personal relationship. It is like lighting212 a candle for the sake of lighting it, over and over again, and each time blowing it out. That, no doubt, must be very amusing to children playing with the matches, but not to people who love warm light, and want it in order to do fine and honourable213 things together. We had achieved--I give the ugly phrase that expresses the increasing discolouration in my mind--"illicit intercourse." To end at that, we now perceived, wasn't in our style. But where were we to end?...
Perhaps we might at this stage have given it up. I think if we could have seen ahead and around us we might have done so. But the glow of our cell blinded us.... I wonder what might have happened if at that time we had given it up.... We propounded214 it, we met again in secret to discuss it, and our overpowering passion for one another reduced that meeting to absurdity....
Presently the idea of children crept between us. It came in from all our conceptions of life and public service; it was, we found, in the quality of our minds that physical love without children is a little weak, timorous215, more than a little shameful. With imaginative people there very speedily comes a time when that realisation is inevitable. We hadn't thought of that before--it isn't natural to think of that before. We hadn't known. There is no literature in English dealing with such things.
There is a necessary sequence of phases in love. These came in their order, and with them, unanticipated tarnishings on the first bright perfection of our relations. For a time these developing phases were no more than a secret and private trouble between us, little shadows spreading by imperceptible degrees across that vivid and luminous216 cell.
8
The Handitch election flung me suddenly into prominence217.
It is still only two years since that struggle, and I will not trouble the reader with a detailed218 history of events that must be quite sufficiently219 present in his mind for my purpose already. Huge stacks of journalism have dealt with Handitch and its significance. For the reader very probably, as for most people outside a comparatively small circle, it meant my emergence220 from obscurity. We obtruded221 no editor's name in the BLUE WEEKLY; I had never as yet been on the London hoardings. Before Handitch I was a journalist and writer of no great public standing; after Handitch, I was definitely a person, in the little group of persons who stood for the Young Imperialist movement. Handitch was, to a very large extent, my affair. I realised then, as a man comes to do, how much one can still grow after seven and twenty. In the second election I was a man taking hold of things; at Kinghamstead I had been simply a young candidate, a party unit, led about the constituency, told to do this and that, and finally washed in by the great Anti-Imperialist flood, like a starfish rolling up a beach.
My feminist223 views had earnt the mistrust of the party, and I do not think I should have got the chance of Handitch or indeed any chance at all of Parliament for a long time, if it had not been that the seat with its long record of Liberal victories and its Liberal majority of 3642 at the last election, offered a hopeless contest. The Liberal dissensions and the belated but by no means contemptible224 Socialist225 candidate were providential interpositions. I think, however, the conduct of Gane, Crupp, and Tarvrille in coming down to fight for me, did count tremendously in my favour. "We aren't going to win, perhaps," said Crupp, "but we are going to talk." And until the very eve of victory, we treated Handitch not so much as a battlefield as a hoarding222. And so it was the Endowment of Motherhood as a practical form of Eugenics got into English politics.
Plutus, our agent, was scared out of his wits when the thing began.
"They're ascribing all sorts of queer ideas to you about the Family," he said.
"I think the Family exists for the good of the children," I said; "is that queer?"
"Not when you explain it--but they won't let you explain it. And about marriage--?"
"I'm all right about marriage--trust me."
"Of course, if YOU had children," said Plutus, rather inconsiderately....
They opened fire upon me in a little electioneering rag call the HANDITCH SENTINEL, with a string of garbled226 quotations227 and misrepresentations that gave me an admirable text for a speech. I spoke for an hour and ten minutes with a more and more crumpled228 copy of the SENTINEL in my hand, and I made the fullest and completest exposition of the idea of endowing motherhood that I think had ever been made up to that time in England. Its effect on the press was extraordinary. The Liberal papers gave me quite unprecedented space under the impression that I had only to be given rope to hang myself; the Conservatives cut me down or tried to justify me; the whole country was talking. I had had a pamphlet in type upon the subject, and I revised this carefully and put it on the book-stalls within three days. It sold enormously and brought me bushels of letters. We issued over three thousand in Handitch alone. At meeting after meeting I was heckled upon nothing else. Long before polling day Plutus was converted.
"It's catching229 on like old age pensions," he said. "We've dished the Liberals! To think that such a project should come from our side!"
But it was only with the declaration of the poll that my battle was won. No one expected more than a snatch victory, and I was in by over fifteen hundred. At one bound Cossington's papers passed from apologetics varied230 by repudiation231 to triumphant232 praise. "A renascent233 England, breeding men," said the leader in his chief daily on the morning after the polling, and claimed that the Conservatives had been ever the pioneers in sanely234 bold constructive235 projects.
I came up to London with a weary but rejoicing Margaret by the night train.
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cult
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| n.异教，邪教；时尚，狂热的崇拜 | |
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wreck
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joint
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disastrous
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vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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collapse
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| vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷 | |
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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conclusive
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| adj.最后的，结论的；确凿的，消除怀疑的 | |
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meteoric
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| adj.流星的，转瞬即逝的，突然的 | |
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akin
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| adj.同族的，类似的 | |
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habitual
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| adj.习惯性的；通常的，惯常的 | |
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impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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steering
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| n.操舵装置 | |
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undesirable
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| adj.不受欢迎的，不良的，不合意的，讨厌的；n.不受欢迎的人，不良分子 | |
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penitence
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| n.忏悔，赎罪；悔过 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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underlies
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| v.位于或存在于（某物）之下( underlie的第三人称单数 )；构成…的基础（或起因），引起 | |
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sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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embodied
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| v.表现( embody的过去式和过去分词 )；象征；包括；包含 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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eludes
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| v.（尤指机敏地）避开( elude的第三人称单数 )；逃避；躲避；使达不到 | |
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veracities
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| n.诚实，真实( veracity的名词复数 ) | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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prone
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| adj.(to)易于…的，很可能…的；俯卧的 | |
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justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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annex
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| vt.兼并，吞并；n.附属建筑物 | |
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evasion
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| n.逃避，偷漏(税) | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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pervading
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| v.遍及，弥漫( pervade的现在分词 ) | |
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muddle
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| n.困惑，混浊状态；vt.使混乱，使糊涂，使惊呆；vi.胡乱应付，混乱 | |
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relatively
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| adv.比较...地，相对地 | |
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deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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diffused
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| 散布的，普及的，扩散的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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initiatory
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| adj.开始的；创始的；入会的；入社的 | |
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fretting
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| n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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elimination
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| n.排除，消除，消灭 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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premium
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| n.加付款；赠品；adj.高级的；售价高的 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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explicitness
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desultory
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| adj.散漫的，无方法的 | |
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villa
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| n.别墅，城郊小屋 | |
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sham
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| n./adj.假冒(的)，虚伪(的) | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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ramble
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dodged
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| v.闪躲( dodge的过去式和过去分词 )；回避 | |
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suburban
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solicitude
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scraps
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unevenly
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66
Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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67
precipitated
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| v.（突如其来地）使发生( precipitate的过去式和过去分词 )；促成；猛然摔下；使沉淀 | |
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68
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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69
quaintest
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| adj.古色古香的( quaint的最高级 )；少见的，古怪的 | |
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70
uncommon
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| adj.罕见的，非凡的，不平常的 | |
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71
hovers
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| 鸟( hover的第三人称单数 )； 靠近（某事物）； （人）徘徊； 犹豫 | |
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72
banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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73
permanently
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| adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地 | |
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74
insistent
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| adj.迫切的，坚持的 | |
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75
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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76
shrubs
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| 灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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77
crab
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| n.螃蟹，偏航，脾气乖戾的人，酸苹果；vi.捕蟹，偏航，发牢骚；vt.使偏航，发脾气 | |
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78
twigs
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| 细枝，嫩枝( twig的名词复数 ) | |
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79
wig
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| n.假发 | |
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80
perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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81
intervention
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| n.介入，干涉，干预 | |
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82
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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83
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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84
intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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85
qualified
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| adj.合格的，有资格的，胜任的，有限制的 | |
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86
intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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87
vindictive
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| adj.有报仇心的，怀恨的，惩罚的 | |
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88
unprecedented
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| adj.无前例的，新奇的 | |
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89
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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90
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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91
instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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92
disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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93
embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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94
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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95
conversational
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| adj.对话的，会话的 | |
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96
entanglements
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| n.瓜葛( entanglement的名词复数 )；牵连；纠缠；缠住 | |
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97
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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98
barges
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| 驳船( barge的名词复数 ) | |
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99
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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100
elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的 | |
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101
meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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102
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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103
obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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104
savagery
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| n.野性 | |
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105
incurably
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| ad.治不好地 | |
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106
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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107
recesses
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| n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 )；（工作或业务活动的）中止或暂停期间；学校的课间休息；某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 )；将（墙）做成凹形，在（墙）上做壁龛；休息，休会，休庭 | |
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108
journalism
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| n.新闻工作，报业 | |
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109
scholastic
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| adj.学校的，学院的，学术上的 | |
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110
copious
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| adj.丰富的，大量的 | |
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111
disapproved
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| v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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112
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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113
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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114
professed
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| 公开声称的，伪称的，已立誓信教的 | |
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115
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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116
inordinately
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| adv.无度地，非常地 | |
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117
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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118
expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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119
embarked
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| 乘船( embark的过去式和过去分词 )； 装载； 从事 | |
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120
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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121
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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122
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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123
pebble
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| n.卵石，小圆石 | |
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124
avalanche
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| n.雪崩，大量涌来 | |
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125
onset
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| n.进攻，袭击，开始，突然开始 | |
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126
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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127
avowed
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| adj.公开声明的，承认的v.公开声明，承认( avow的过去式和过去分词) | |
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128
vistas
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| 长条形景色( vista的名词复数 )； 回顾； 展望； （未来可能发生的）一系列情景 | |
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129
opaque
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| adj.不透光的；不反光的，不传导的；晦涩的 | |
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130
noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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131
pagoda
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| n.宝塔（尤指印度和远东的多层宝塔），（印度教或佛教的）塔式庙宇 | |
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132
fronds
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| n.蕨类或棕榈类植物的叶子( frond的名词复数 ) | |
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133
vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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134
preposterous
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| adj.荒谬的，可笑的 | |
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135
seducer
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| n.诱惑者,骗子,玩弄女性的人 | |
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136
succumbed
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| 不再抵抗（诱惑、疾病、攻击等）( succumb的过去式和过去分词 )； 屈从； 被压垮； 死 | |
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137
fascinations
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| n.魅力( fascination的名词复数 )；有魅力的东西；迷恋；陶醉 | |
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138
evoked
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| [医]诱发的 | |
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139
induction
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| n.感应，感应现象 | |
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140
joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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141
expediency
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| n.适宜；方便；合算；利己 | |
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142
prohibitions
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| 禁令，禁律( prohibition的名词复数 )； 禁酒； 禁例 | |
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143
prohibition
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| n.禁止；禁令，禁律 | |
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144
unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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145
discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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146
absurdities
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| n.极端无理性( absurdity的名词复数 )；荒谬；谬论；荒谬的行为 | |
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147
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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148
imperatives
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| n.必要的事( imperative的名词复数 )；祈使语气；必须履行的责任 | |
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149
retrospect
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| n.回顾，追溯；v.回顾，回想，追溯 | |
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150
irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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151
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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152
oppositions
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| （强烈的）反对( opposition的名词复数 )； 反对党； （事业、竞赛、游戏等的）对手； 对比 | |
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153
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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154
persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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155
secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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156
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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157
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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158
futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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159
sketchy
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| adj.写生的，写生风格的，概略的 | |
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160
frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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161
seasickness
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| n.晕船 | |
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162
inflamed
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| adj.发炎的，红肿的v.（使）变红，发怒，过热( inflame的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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163
westward
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| n.西方，西部；adj.西方的，向西的；adv.向西 | |
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164
voracity
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| n.贪食，贪婪 | |
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165
civilisation
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| n.文明，文化，开化，教化 | |
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166
incurable
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| adj.不能医治的，不能矫正的，无救的；n.不治的病人，无救的人 | |
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167
pervaded
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| v.遍及，弥漫( pervade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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168
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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169
justifies
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| 证明…有理( justify的第三人称单数 )； 为…辩护； 对…作出解释； 为…辩解（或辩护） | |
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170
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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171
sundering
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| v.隔开，分开( sunder的现在分词 ) | |
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172
evaded
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| 逃避( evade的过去式和过去分词 )； 避开； 回避； 想不出 | |
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173
steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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174
throb
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| v.震颤，颤动；(急速强烈地)跳动，搏动 | |
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175
encompassing
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| v.围绕( encompass的现在分词 )；包围；包含；包括 | |
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176
mutuality
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| n.相互关系，相互依存 | |
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177
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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178
wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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179
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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180
prevarication
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| n.支吾；搪塞；说谎；有枝有叶 | |
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181
estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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182
turmoil
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| n.骚乱，混乱，动乱 | |
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183
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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184
guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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185
caressingly
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| 爱抚地，亲切地 | |
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186
dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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187
sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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188
abolition
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| n.废除，取消 | |
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189
lamely
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| 一瘸一拐地，不完全地 | |
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190
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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191
trite
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| adj.陈腐的 | |
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192
invincible
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| adj.不可征服的，难以制服的 | |
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193
irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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194
loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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195
confirmations
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| 证实( confirmation的名词复数 )； 证据； 确认； （基督教中的）坚信礼 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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197
vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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propounding
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| v.提出（问题、计划等）供考虑[讨论]，提议( propound的现在分词 ) | |
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innate
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| adj.天生的，固有的，天赋的 | |
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guardians
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| 监护人( guardian的名词复数 )； 保护者，维护者 | |
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202
sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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203
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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204
obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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distressful
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| adj.苦难重重的，不幸的，使苦恼的 | |
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206
furtiveness
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| 偷偷摸摸，鬼鬼祟祟 | |
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abounding
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| adj.丰富的，大量的v.大量存在，充满，富于( abound的现在分词 ) | |
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conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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209
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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210
tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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intrigues
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| n.密谋策划( intrigue的名词复数 )；神秘气氛；引人入胜的复杂情节v.搞阴谋诡计( intrigue的第三人称单数 )；激起…的好奇心 | |
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212
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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propounded
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| v.提出（问题、计划等）供考虑[讨论]，提议( propound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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215
timorous
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| adj.胆怯的，胆小的 | |
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216
luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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217
prominence
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| n.突出；显著；杰出；重要 | |
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218
detailed
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| adj.详细的，详尽的，极注意细节的，完全的 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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emergence
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| n.浮现，显现，出现，（植物）突出体 | |
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221
obtruded
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| v.强行向前，强行，强迫( obtrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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222
hoarding
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| n.贮藏；积蓄；临时围墙；囤积v.积蓄并储藏（某物）( hoard的现在分词 ) | |
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223
feminist
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| adj.主张男女平等的，女权主义的 | |
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224
contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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225
socialist
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| n.社会主义者；adj.社会主义的 | |
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226
garbled
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| adj.（指信息）混乱的，引起误解的v.对（事实）歪曲，对（文章等）断章取义，窜改( garble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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227
quotations
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| n.引用( quotation的名词复数 )；[商业]行情（报告）；（货物或股票的）市价；时价 | |
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228
crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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229
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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230
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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231
repudiation
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| n.拒绝；否认；断绝关系；抛弃 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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233
renascent
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| adj.新生的 | |
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234
sanely
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| ad.神志清楚地 | |
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235
constructive
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| adj.建设的，建设性的 | |
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