Chapter 8

The last rehearsal¹ was over, a tedious dress rehearsal which had lasted all day and exhausted² the patience of every one who had to do with it. When Hilda had dressed for the street and came out of her dressing³-room, she found Hugh MacConnell waiting for her in the corridor.

“The fog’s thicker than ever, Hilda. There have been a great many accidents today. It’s positively⁴ unsafe for you to be out alone. Will you let me take you home?”

“How good of you, Mac. If you are going with me, I think I’d rather walk. I’ve had no exercise today, and all this has made me nervous.”

“I shouldn’t wonder,” said MacConnell dryly. Hilda pulled down her veil and they stepped out into the thick brown wash that submerged St. Martin’s Lane. MacConnell took her hand and tucked it snugly⁵ under his arm. “I’m sorry I was such a savage⁶. I hope you didn’t think I made an ass⁷ of myself.”

“Not a bit of it. I don’t wonder you were peppery. Those things are awfully⁸ trying. How do you think it’s going?”

“Magnificently. That’s why I got so stirred up. We are going to hear from this, both of us. And that reminds me; I’ve got news for you. They are going to begin repairs on the theatre about the middle of March, and we are to run over to New York for six weeks. Bennett told me yesterday that it was decided⁹.”

Hilda looked up delightedly at the tall gray figure beside her. He was the only thing she could see, for they were moving through a dense¹⁰ opaqueness¹¹, as if they were walking at the bottom of the ocean.

“Oh, Mac, how glad I am! And they love your things over there, don’t they?”

“Shall you be glad for — any other reason, Hilda?”

MacConnell put his hand in front of her to ward¹² off some dark object. It proved to be only a lamp-post, and they beat in farther from the edge of the pavement.

“What do you mean, Mac?” Hilda asked nervously¹³.

“I was just thinking there might be people over there you’d be glad to see,” he brought out awkwardly. Hilda said nothing, and as they walked on MacConnell spoke¹⁴ again, apologetically: “I hope you don’t mind my knowing about it, Hilda. Don’t stiffen¹⁵ up like that. No one else knows, and I didn’t try to find out anything. I felt it, even before I knew who he was. I knew there was somebody, and that it wasn’t I.”

They crossed Oxford¹⁶ Street in silence, feeling their way. The busses had stopped running and the cab-drivers were leading their horses. When they reached the other side, MacConnell said suddenly, “I hope you are happy.”

“Terribly, dangerously happy, Mac,” — Hilda spoke quietly, pressing the rough sleeve of his greatcoat with her gloved hand.

“You’ve always thought me too old for you, Hilda, — oh, of course you’ve never said just that, — and here this fellow is not more than eight years younger than I. I’ve always felt that if I could get out of my old case I might win you yet. It’s a fine, brave youth I carry inside me, only he’ll never be seen.”

“Nonsense, Mac. That has nothing to do with it. It’s because you seem too close to me, too much my own kind. It would be like marrying Cousin Mike, almost. I really tried to care as you wanted me to, away back in the beginning.”

“Well, here we are, turning out of the Square. You are not angry with me, Hilda? Thank you for this walk, my dear. Go in and get dry things on at once. You’ll be having a great night tomorrow.”

She put out her hand. “Thank you, Mac, for everything. Good-night.”

MacConnell trudged¹⁷ off through the fog, and she went slowly upstairs. Her slippers¹⁸ and dressing gown were waiting for her before the fire. “I shall certainly see him in New York. He will see by the papers that we are coming. Perhaps he knows it already,” Hilda kept thinking as she undressed. “Perhaps he will be at the dock. No, scarcely that; but I may meet him in the street even before he comes to see me.” Marie placed the tea-table by the fire and brought Hilda her letters. She looked them over, and started as she came to one in a handwriting that she did not often see; Alexander had written to her only twice before, and he did not allow her to write to him at all. “Thank you, Marie. You may go now.”

Hilda sat down by the table with the letter in her hand, still unopened. She looked at it intently, turned it over, and felt its thickness with her fingers. She believed that she sometimes had a kind of second-sight about letters, and could tell before she read them whether they brought good or evil tidings. She put this one down on the table in front of her while she poured her tea. At last, with a little shiver of expectancy¹⁹, she tore open the envelope and read:—

Boston, February —

MY DEAR HILDA:—

It is after twelve o’clock. Every one else is in bed and I am sitting alone in my study. I have been happier in this room than anywhere else in the world. Happiness like that makes one insolent²⁰. I used to think these four walls could stand against anything. And now I scarcely know myself here. Now I know that no one can build his security upon the nobleness of another person. Two people, when they love each other, grow alike in their tastes and habits and pride, but their moral natures (whatever we may mean by that canting expression) are never welded. The base one goes on being base, and the noble one noble, to the end.

The last week has been a bad one; I have been realizing how things used to be with me. Sometimes I get used to being dead inside, but lately it has been as if a window beside me had suddenly opened, and as if all the smells of spring blew in to me. There is a garden out there, with stars overhead, where I used to walk at night when I had a single purpose and a single heart. I can remember how I used to feel there, how beautiful everything about me was, and what life and power and freedom I felt in myself. When the window opens I know exactly how it would feel to be out there. But that garden is closed to me. How is it, I ask myself, that everything can be so different with me when nothing here has changed? I am in my own house, in my own study, in the midst of all these quiet streets where my friends live. They are all safe and at peace with themselves. But I am never at peace. I feel always on the edge of danger and change.

I keep remembering locoed horses I used to see on the range when I was a boy. They changed like that. We used to catch them and put them up in the corral, and they developed great cunning. They would pretend to eat their oats like the other horses, but we knew they were always scheming to get back at the loco.

It seems that a man is meant to live only one life in this world. When he tries to live a second, he develops another nature. I feel as if a second man had been grafted²¹ into me. At first he seemed only a pleasure-loving simpleton, of whose company I was rather ashamed, and whom I used to hide under my coat when I walked the Embankment, in London. But now he is strong and sullen²², and he is fighting for his life at the cost of mine. That is his one activity: to grow strong. No creature ever wanted so much to live. Eventually, I suppose, he will absorb me altogether. Believe me, you will hate me then.

And what have you to do, Hilda, with this ugly story? Nothing at all. The little boy drank of the prettiest brook²³ in the forest and he became a stag. I write all this because I can never tell it to you, and because it seems as if I could not keep silent any longer. And because I suffer, Hilda. If any one I loved suffered like this, I’d want to know it. Help me, Hilda!

B.A.

1 rehearsal   

n.排练，排演；练习

参考例句：

• I want to play you a recording of the rehearsal.我想给你放一下彩排的录像。
• You can sharpen your skills with rehearsal.排练可以让技巧更加纯熟。

2 exhausted   

adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的

参考例句：

• It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长，到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
• Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。

3 dressing   

n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料

参考例句：

• Don't spend such a lot of time in dressing yourself.别花那么多时间来打扮自己。
• The children enjoy dressing up in mother's old clothes.孩子们喜欢穿上妈妈旧时的衣服玩。

4 positively   

adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实

参考例句：

• She was positively glowing with happiness.她满脸幸福。
• The weather was positively poisonous.这天气着实讨厌。

5 snugly   

adv.紧贴地；贴身地；暖和舒适地；安适地

参考例句：

• Jamie was snugly wrapped in a white woolen scarf. 杰米围着一条白色羊毛围巾舒适而暖和。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The farmyard was snugly sheltered with buildings on three sides. 这个农家院三面都有楼房，遮得很严实。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 savage   

adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人

参考例句：

• The poor man received a savage beating from the thugs.那可怜的人遭到暴徒的痛打。
• He has a savage temper.他脾气粗暴。

7 ass   

n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人

参考例句：

• He is not an ass as they make him.他不象大家猜想的那样笨。
• An ass endures his burden but not more than his burden.驴能负重但不能超过它能力所负担的。

8 awfully   

adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地

参考例句：

• Agriculture was awfully neglected in the past.过去农业遭到严重忽视。
• I've been feeling awfully bad about it.对这我一直感到很难受。

9 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

10 dense   

a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的

参考例句：

• The general ambushed his troops in the dense woods. 将军把部队埋伏在浓密的树林里。
• The path was completely covered by the dense foliage. 小路被树叶厚厚地盖了一层。

11 opaqueness   

[化] 不透明性，不透明度

参考例句：

• Saudi Arabia obscures its vulnerability by opaqueness. 沙特阿拉伯人以其神秘莫测来掩饰其脆弱。 来自辞典例句
• It has exposed the fragility of the foundations of private finance: opaqueness, hazard and sometimes fraud. 它暴露出了私人金融根基的脆弱性——不透明、冒险、甚至有时还有欺诈行为。 来自互联网

12 ward   

n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开

参考例句：

• The hospital has a medical ward and a surgical ward.这家医院有内科病房和外科病房。
• During the evening picnic,I'll carry a torch to ward off the bugs.傍晚野餐时，我要点根火把，抵挡蚊虫。

13 nervously   

adv.神情激动地，不安地

参考例句：

• He bit his lip nervously,trying not to cry.他紧张地咬着唇，努力忍着不哭出来。
• He paced nervously up and down on the platform.他在站台上情绪不安地走来走去。

14 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

15 stiffen   

v.(使)硬，(使)变挺，(使)变僵硬

参考例句：

• The blood supply to the skin is reduced when muscles stiffen.当肌肉变得僵硬时，皮肤的供血量就减少了。
• I was breathing hard,and my legs were beginning to stiffen.这时我却气吁喘喘地开始感到脚有点僵硬。

16 Oxford   

n.牛津（英国城市）

参考例句：

• At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
• This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。

17 trudged   

vt.& vi.跋涉，吃力地走（trudge的过去式与过去分词形式）

参考例句：

• He trudged the last two miles to the town. 他步履艰难地走完最后两英里到了城里。
• He trudged wearily along the path. 他沿着小路疲惫地走去。 来自《简明英汉词典》

18 slippers   

n. 拖鞋

参考例句：

• a pair of slippers 一双拖鞋
• He kicked his slippers off and dropped on to the bed. 他踢掉了拖鞋，倒在床上。

19 expectancy   

n.期望，预期，（根据概率统计求得）预期数额

参考例句：

• Japanese people have a very high life expectancy.日本人的平均寿命非常长。
• The atomosphere of tense expectancy sobered everyone.这种期望的紧张气氛使每个人变得严肃起来。

20 insolent   

adj.傲慢的，无理的

参考例句：

• His insolent manner really got my blood up.他那傲慢的态度把我的肺都气炸了。
• It was insolent of them to demand special treatment.他们要求给予特殊待遇，脸皮真厚。

21 grafted   

移植( graft的过去式和过去分词 )； 嫁接； 使（思想、制度等）成为（…的一部份）； 植根

参考例句：

• No art can be grafted with success on another art. 没有哪种艺术能成功地嫁接到另一种艺术上。
• Apples are easily grafted. 苹果树很容易嫁接。

22 sullen   

adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的

参考例句：

• He looked up at the sullen sky.他抬头看了一眼阴沉的天空。
• Susan was sullen in the morning because she hadn't slept well.苏珊今天早上郁闷不乐，因为昨晚没睡好。

23 brook   

n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让

参考例句：

• In our room we could hear the murmur of a distant brook.在我们房间能听到远处小溪汩汩的流水声。
• The brook trickled through the valley.小溪涓涓流过峡谷。