SAID I, one night, when I had conquered myself, ‘Mr. Granville,’ — Mr. Granville Wharton his name was, — ‘I doubt if you have ever yet so much as seen Miss Fareway.’
‘Well, sir,’ returned he, laughing, ‘you see her so much yourself, that you hardly leave another fellow a chance of seeing her.’
‘I am her tutor, you know,’ said I.
And there the subject dropped for that time. But I so contrived1 as that they should come together shortly afterwards. I had previously2 so contrived as to keep them asunder4; for while I loved her, — I mean before I had determined5 on my sacrifice, — a lurking6 jealousy7 of Mr. Granville lay within my unworthy breast.
It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fareway Park but they talked easily together for some time: like takes to like, and they had many points of resemblance. Said Mr. Granville to me, when he and I sat at our supper that night, ‘Miss Fareway is remarkably8 beautiful, sir, remarkably engaging. Don’t you think so?’ ‘I think so,’ said I. And I stole a glance at him, and saw that he had reddened and was thoughtful. I remember it most vividly9, because the mixed feeling of grave pleasure and acute pain that the slight circumstance caused me was the first of a long, long series of such mixed impressions under which my hair turned slowly gray.
I had not much need to feign10 to be subdued11; but I counterfeited12 to be older than I was in all respects (Heaven knows! my heart being all too young the while), and feigned13 to be more of a recluse14 and bookworm than I had really become, and gradually set up more and more of a fatherly manner towards Adelina. Likewise I made my tuition less imaginative than before; separated myself from my poets and philosophers; was careful to present them in their own light, and me, their lowly servant, in my own shade. Moreover, in the matter of apparel I was equally mindful; not that I had ever been dapper that way; but that I was slovenly15 now.
As I depressed16 myself with one hand, so did I labour to raise Mr. Granville with the other; directing his attention to such subjects as I too well knew interested her, and fashioning him (do not deride17 or misconstrue the expression, unknown reader of this writing; for I have suffered!) into a greater resemblance to myself in my solitary18 one strong aspect. And gradually, gradually, as I saw him take more and more to these thrown-out lures19 of mine, then did I come to know better and better that love was drawing him on, and was drawing her from me.
So passed more than another year; every day a year in its number of my mixed impressions of grave pleasure and acute pain; and then these two, being of age and free to act legally for themselves, came before me hand in hand (my hair being now quite white), and entreated20 me that I would unite them together. ‘And indeed, dear tutor,’ said Adelina, ‘it is but consistent in you that you should do this thing for us, seeing that we should never have spoken together that first time but for you, and that but for you we could never have met so often afterwards.’ The whole of which was literally21 true; for I had availed myself of my many business attendances on, and conferences with, my lady, to take Mr. Granville to the house, and leave him in the outer room with Adelina.
I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for her daughter, or to any marriage that was other than an exchange of her for stipulated22 lands, goods, and moneys. But looking on the two, and seeing with full eyes that they were both young and beautiful; and knowing that they were alike in the tastes and acquirements that will outlive youth and beauty; and considering that Adelina had a fortune now, in her own keeping; and considering further that Mr. Granville, though for the present poor, was of a good family that had never lived in a cellar in Preston; and believing that their love would endure, neither having any great discrepancy23 to find out in the other, — I told them of my readiness to do this thing which Adelina asked of her dear tutor, and to send them forth24, husband and wife, into the shining world with golden gates that awaited them.
It was on a summer morning that I rose before the sun to compose myself for the crowning of my work with this end; and my dwelling25 being near to the sea, I walked down to the rocks on the shore, in order that I might behold26 the sun in his majesty27.
The tranquillity28 upon the deep, and on the firmament29, the orderly withdrawal30 of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, the rosy31 suffusion32 of the sky and waters, the ineffable33 splendour that then burst forth, attuned34 my mind afresh after the discords35 of the night. Methought that all I looked on said to me, and that all I heard in the sea and in the air said to me, ‘Be comforted, mortal, that thy life is so short. Our preparation for what is to follow has endured, and shall endure, for unimaginable ages.’
I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I placed it on their hands clasped together; but the words with which I had to accompany the action I could say without faltering36, and I was at peace.
They being well away from my house and from the place after our simple breakfast, the time was come when I must do what I had pledged myself to them that I would do, — break the intelligence to my lady.
I went up to the house, and found my lady in her ordinary business- room. She happened to have an unusual amount of commissions to intrust to me that day; and she had filled my hands with papers before I could originate a word.
‘My lady,’ I then began, as I stood beside her table.
‘Why, what’s the matter?’ she said quickly, looking up.
‘Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have prepared yourself, and considered a little.’
‘Prepared myself; and considered a little! You appear to have prepared YOURSELF but indifferently, anyhow, Mr. Silverman.’ This mighty37 scornfully, as I experienced my usual embarrassment38 under her stare.
Said I, in self-extenuation once for all, ‘Lady Fareway, I have but to say for myself that I have tried to do my duty.’
‘For yourself?’ repeated my lady. ‘Then there are others concerned, I see. Who are they?’
I was about to answer, when she made towards the bell with a dart39 that stopped me, and said, ‘Why, where is Adelina?’
‘Forbear! be calm, my lady. I married her this morning to Mr. Granville Wharton.’
She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, raised her right hand, and smote40 me hard upon the cheek.
‘Give me back those papers! give me back those papers!’ She tore them out of my hands, and tossed them on her table. Then seating herself defiantly41 in her great chair, and folding her arms, she stabbed me to the heart with the unlooked-for reproach, ‘You worldly wretch42!’
‘Worldly?’ I cried. ‘Worldly?’
‘This, if you please,’ — she went on with supreme43 scorn, pointing me out as if there were some one there to see, — ‘this, if you please, is the disinterested44 scholar, with not a design beyond his books! This, if you please, is the simple creature whom any one could overreach in a bargain! This, if you please, is Mr. Silverman! Not of this world; not he! He has too much simplicity45 for this world’s cunning. He has too much singleness of purpose to be a match for this world’s double-dealing. What did he give you for it?’
‘For what? And who?’
‘How much,’ she asked, bending forward in her great chair, and insultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on the palm of her left, — ‘how much does Mr. Granville Wharton pay you for getting him Adelina’s money? What is the amount of your percentage upon Adelina’s fortune? What were the terms of the agreement that you proposed to this boy when you, the Rev3. George Silverman, licensed46 to marry, engaged to put him in possession of this girl? You made good terms for yourself, whatever they were. He would stand a poor chance against your keenness.’
Bewildered, horrified47, stunned48 by this cruel perversion49, I could not speak. But I trust that I looked innocent, being so.
‘Listen to me, shrewd hypocrite,’ said my lady, whose anger increased as she gave it utterance50; ‘attend to my words, you cunning schemer, who have carried this plot through with such a practised double face that I have never suspected you. I had my projects for my daughter; projects for family connection; projects for fortune. You have thwarted51 them, and overreached me; but I am not one to be thwarted and overreached without retaliation52. Do you mean to hold this living another month?’
‘Do you deem it possible, Lady Fareway, that I can hold it another hour, under your injurious words?’
‘Is it resigned, then?’
‘It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago.’
Don’t equivocate53, sir. IS it resigned?’
‘A cordial response from me to THAT wish, Mr. Silverman! But take this with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would have had you deprived of it. And though you have resigned it, you will not get quit of me as easily as you think for. I will pursue you with this story. I will make this nefarious55 conspiracy56 of yours, for money, known. You have made money by it, but you have at the same time made an enemy by it. YOU will take good care that the money sticks to you; I will take good care that the enemy sticks to you.’
Then said I finally, ‘Lady Fareway, I think my heart is broken. Until I came into this room just now, the possibility of such mean wickedness as you have imputed57 to me never dawned upon my thoughts. Your suspicions — ’
‘Suspicions! Pah!’ said she indignantly. ‘Certainties.’
‘Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your suspicions as I call them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid58 of foundation in fact. I can declare no more; except that I have not acted for my own profit or my own pleasure. I have not in this proceeding59 considered myself. Once again, I think my heart is broken. If I have unwittingly done any wrong with a righteous motive60, that is some penalty to pay.’
She received this with another and more indignant ‘Pah!’ and I made my way out of her room (I think I felt my way out with my hands, although my eyes were open), almost suspecting that my voice had a repulsive61 sound, and that I was a repulsive object.
There was a great stir made, the bishop62 was appealed to, I received a severe reprimand, and narrowly escaped suspension. For years a cloud hung over me, and my name was tarnished63.
But my heart did not break, if a broken heart involves death; for I lived through it.
They stood by me, Adelina and her husband, through it all. Those who had known me at college, and even most of those who had only known me there by reputation, stood by me too. Little by little, the belief widened that I was not capable of what was laid to my charge. At length I was presented to a college-living in a sequestered64 place, and there I now pen my explanation. I pen it at my open window in the summer-time, before me, lying in the churchyard, equal resting-place for sound hearts, wounded hearts, and broken hearts. I pen it for the relief of my own mind, not foreseeing whether or no it will ever have a reader.
The End
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1
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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rev
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| v.发动机旋转，加快速度 | |
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asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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9
vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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feign
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| vt.假装，佯作 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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12
counterfeited
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| v.仿制，造假( counterfeit的过去分词 ) | |
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13
feigned
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| a.假装的，不真诚的 | |
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recluse
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| n.隐居者 | |
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slovenly
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| adj.懒散的，不整齐的，邋遢的 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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deride
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| v.嘲弄，愚弄 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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19
lures
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| 吸引力，魅力（lure的复数形式） | |
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entreated
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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22
stipulated
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| vt.& vi.规定；约定adj.[法]合同规定的 | |
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discrepancy
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| n.不同；不符；差异；矛盾 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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tranquillity
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| n. 平静, 安静 | |
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firmament
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| n.苍穹；最高层 | |
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withdrawal
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| n.取回，提款；撤退，撤军；收回，撤销 | |
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31
rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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suffusion
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| n.充满 | |
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33
ineffable
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| adj.无法表达的，不可言喻的 | |
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34
attuned
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| v.使协调( attune的过去式和过去分词 )；调音 | |
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discords
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| 不和（discord的复数形式） | |
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faltering
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| 犹豫的，支吾的，蹒跚的 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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dart
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| v.猛冲，投掷；n.飞镖，猛冲 | |
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smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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41
defiantly
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| adv.挑战地，大胆对抗地 | |
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42
wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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43
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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44
disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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45
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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licensed
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| adj.得到许可的v.许可，颁发执照(license的过去式和过去分词) | |
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47
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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48
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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49
perversion
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| n.曲解；堕落；反常 | |
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50
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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51
thwarted
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| 阻挠( thwart的过去式和过去分词 )； 使受挫折； 挫败； 横过 | |
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52
retaliation
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| n.报复，反击 | |
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53
equivocate
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| v.模棱两可地，支吾其词 | |
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54
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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55
nefarious
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| adj.恶毒的，极坏的 | |
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56
conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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57
imputed
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| v.把（错误等）归咎于( impute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
devoid
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| adj.全无的，缺乏的 | |
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59
proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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60
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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61
repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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62
bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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63
tarnished
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| （通常指金属）（使）失去光泽，（使）变灰暗( tarnish的过去式和过去分词 )； 玷污，败坏 | |
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64
sequestered
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| adj.扣押的；隐退的；幽静的；偏僻的v.使隔绝，使隔离( sequester的过去式和过去分词 )；扣押 | |
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