GUT1 UND BOSE UND LUST2 UND LEID UND ICH UND DU.
NIETZSCHE
“I’m nothing of the sort!” threw back Laura indignantly. “You’re one yourself.— What does she mean, Evvy?” she asked getting out of earshot of the speaker.
“Goodness knows. Don’t mind her, Poppet.”
It was an oppressive evening: all day long a hot north wind had scoured4 the streets, veiling things and people in clouds of gritty dust; the sky was still like the prolonged reflection of a great fire. The hoped-for change had not come, and the girls who strolled the paths of the garden were white and listless. They walked in couples, with interlaced arms; and members of the Matriculation Class carried books with them, the present year being one of much struggling and heartburning, and few leisured moments. Mary Pidwall and Cupid were together under an acacia tree at the gate of the tennis-court; and it was M. P. who had cast the above gibe5 at Laura. At least Laura took it as a gibe, and scowled6 darkly; for she could never grow hardened to ridicule7.
As she and Evelyn re-passed this spot in their perambulation, a merry little lump of a girl called Lolo, who darted8 her head from side to side when she spoke9, with the movements of a watchful10 bird — this Lolo called: “Evelyn, come here, I want to tell you something.”
“Yes, what is it?” asked Evelyn, but without obeying the summons; for she felt Laura’s grip of her arm tighten11.
“It’s a secret. You must come over here.”
“Hold on a minute, Poppet,” said Evelyn persuasively12, and crossed the lawn with her characteristically lazy saunter. Minutes went by; she did not return.
“Look at her Laura-ship!” said a saucebox to her partner. The latter made “Hee-haw, hee-haw!” and both laughed derisively13.
The object of their scorn stood at the farther end of the wire-net fence: all five fingers of her right hand were thrust through the holes of the netting, and held oddly and unconsciously outspread; she stood on one leg, and with her other foot rubbed up and down behind her ankle; mouth and brow were sullen14, her black eyes bent15 wrathfully on her faithless friend.
“A regular moon-calf!” said Cupid, looking up from THE TEMPEST, which was balanced breast-high on the narrow wooden top of the fence.
“Mark my words, that child’ll be plucked in her ‘tests’,” observed M. P.
“Serve her right, say I, for playing the billy-ass,” returned Cupid, and killed a giant mosquito with such a whack16 that her wrist was stained with its blood. “Ugh, you brute17! . . . gorging18 yourself on me. But I’m dashed if I know how Evelyn can be bothered to have her always dangling19 round.”
“She’s a cipher,” repeated Mary, in so judicial20 a tone that it closed the conversation.
Laura, not altogether blind to externals, saw that her companions made fun of her. But at the present pass, the strength of her feelings quite out-ran her capacity for self-control; she was unable to disguise what she felt, and though it made her the laughing-stock of the school. What scheme was the birdlike Lolo hatching against her? Why did Evelyn not come back?— these were the thoughts that buzzed round inside her head, as the mosquitoes buzzed outside.— And meanwhile the familiar, foolish noises of the garden at evening knocked at her ear. On the other side of the hedge a batch21 of third-form girls were whispering, with choked laughter, a doggerel22 rhyme which was hard to say, and which meant something quite different did the tongue trip over a certain letter. Of two girls who were playing tennis in half-hearted fashion, the one next Laura said ‘Oh, damn!’ every time she missed a ball. And over the parched23, dusty grass the hot wind blew, carrying with it, from the kitchens, a smell of cabbage, of fried onions, of greasy24 dish-water.
Then Evelyn returned, and a part, a part only of the cloud lifted from Laura’s brow.
“What did she want?”
“Oh, nothing much.”
“Then you’re not going to tell me?”
I can’t.
“What business has she to have secrets with you?” said Laura furiously. And for a full round of the garden she did not open her lips.
Her companions were not alone in eyeing this lopsided friendship with an amused curiosity. The governesses also smiled at it, and were surprised at Evelyn’s endurance of the tyranny into which Laura’s liking25 had degenerated26. On this particular evening, two who were sitting on the verandah-bench came back to the subject.
“Just look at that Laura Rambotham again, will you?” said Miss Snodgrass in her tart27 way. “Sulking for all she’s worth. What a little fool she is!”
“I’m sure I wonder Mrs. Gurley hasn’t noticed how badly she’s working just now,” said Miss Chapman; and her face wore it best-meaning, but most uncertain smile.
“Oh, you know very well if Mrs. Gurley doesn’t want to see a thing she doesn’t,” retorted Miss Snodgrass. “A regular talent for going blind, I call it — especially where Evelyn Souttar’s concerned.”
“Oh, I don’t think you should talk like that,” urged Miss Chapman nervously28.
“I say what I think,” asserted Miss Snodgrass. “And if I had my way, I’d give Laura Rambotham something she wouldn’t forget. That child’ll come to a bad end yet.— How do you like that colour, Miss C.?” She had a nest of cloth-patterns in her lap, and held one up as she spoke.
“Oh, you shouldn’t say such things,” remonstrated29 Miss Chapman. “There’s many a true word said in jest.” She settled her glasses on her nose. “It’s very nice, but I think I like a bottle-green better.”
“Of course, I don’t mean she’ll end on the gallows30, if that’s what troubles you. But she’s frightfully unbalanced, and, to my mind, ought to have some sense knocked into her before it’s too late.— That’s a better shade, isn’t it?”
“Poor little Laura,” said Miss Chapman, and drew a sigh. “Yes, I like that. Where did you say you were going to have the dress made?”
Miss Snodgrass named, not without pride, one of the first warehouses31 in the city. “I’ve been saving up my screw for it, and I mean to have something decent this time. Besides, I know one of the men in the shop, and I’m going to make them do it cheap.” And here they fell to discussing price and cut.
Thus the onlookers32 laughed and quizzed and wondered; no one was bold enough to put an open question to Evelyn, and Evelyn did not offer to take anyone into her confidence. She held even hints and allusions33 at bay, with her honeyed laugh; which was HER shield against the world. Laura was the only person who ever got behind this laugh, and what she discovered there, she did not tell. As it was, varying motives34 were suggested for Evelyn’s long-suffering, nobody being ready to believe that it could really be fondness, on her part, for the Byronic atom of humanity she had attracted to her.
However that might be, the two girls, the big fair one and the little dark one, were, outside class-hours, seldom apart. Evelyn did not often, as in the case of the birdlike Lolo, give her young tyrant35 cause for offence; if she sometimes sought another’s company, it was done in a roguish spirit — from a feminine desire to tease. Perhaps, too, she was at heart not averse36 to Laura’s tantrums, or to testing her own power in quelling37 them. On the whole, though, she was very careful of her little friend’s sensitive spots. She did not repeat the experiment of taking Laura out with her; as her stay at school drew to a close she went out less frequently herself; for the reason that, no matter how late it was on her getting back, she would find Laura obstinately38 sitting up in bed, wide-awake. And it went against the grain in her to keep the pale-faced girl from sleep.
On such occasions, while she undid39 her pretty muslin dress, unpinned the flowers she was never without, and loosened her gold-brown hair, which she had put up for the evening: while she undressed, Evelyn had to submit to a rigorous cross-examination. Laura demanded to know where she had been, what she had done, whom she had spoken to; and woe40 to her if she tried to shirk a question. Laura was not only jealous, she was extraordinarily41 suspicious; and the elder girl had need of all her laughing kindness to steer42 her way through the shallows of distrust. For a great doubt of Evelyn’s sincerity43 had implanted itself in Laura’s mind: she could not forget the incident of the “mostly fools”; and, after an evening of this kind, she never felt quite sure that Evelyn was not deceiving her afresh out of sheer goodness of heart, of course — by assuring her that she had had a “horrid44 time”, been bored to death, and would have much preferred to stay with her; when the truth was that, in the company of some moustached idiot or other, she had enjoyed herself to the top of her bent.
On the night Laura learned that her friend had again met the loathly “Jim”, there was a great to-do. In vain Evelyn laughed, reasoned, expostulated. Laura was inconsolable.
“Look here, Poppet,” said Evelyn at last, and was so much in earnest that she laid her hairbrush down, and took Laura by both her bony little shoulders. “Look here, you surely don’t expect me to be an old maid, do you?— ME?” The pronoun signified all she might not say: it meant wealth, youth, beauty, and an unbounded capacity for pleasure.
“Evvy, you’re not going to MARRY that horrid man?”
“Of course not, goosey. But that doesn’t mean that I’m never going to marry at all, does it?”
Laura supposed not — with a tremendous sniff45.
“Well, then, what IS all the fuss about?”
It was not so easy to say. She was of course reconciled, she sobbed46, to Evelyn marrying some day: only plain and stupid girls were left to be old maids: but it must not happen for years and years and years to come, and when it did, it must be to some one much older than herself, some one she did not greatly care for: in short, Evelyn was to marry only to escape the odium of the single life.
Having drawn47 this sketch48 of her future word by word from the weeping Laura, Evelyn fell into a fit of laughter which she could not stifle49. “Well, Poppet,” she said when she could speak, “if that’s your idea of happiness for me, we’ll postpone50 it just as long as ever we can. I’m all there. For I mean to have a good time first — a jolly good time — before I tie myself up for ever, world without end, amen.”
“That’s just what I hate so — your good time, as you call it,” retorted Laura, smarting under the laughter.
“Everyone does, child. You’ll be after it yourself when you’re a little older.”
“Me?— never!”
“Oh, yes, indeed you will.”
“I won’t. I hate men and I always shall. And oh, I thought”— with an upward, sobbing51 breath —“I thought you liked me best.”
“Of course I like you, you silly child! But that’s altogether different. And I don’t like you any less because I enjoy having some fun with them, too.”
“I don’t want your old leavings!” said Laura savagely52. It hurt, almost as much as having a tooth pulled out, did this knowledge that your friend’s affection was wholly yours only as long as no man was in question. And out of the sting, Laura added: “Wait till I’m grown up, and I’ll show them what I think of them — the pigs!”
This time Evelyn had to hold her hand in front of her mouth. “No, no, I don’t mean to laugh at you. Come, be good now,” she petted. “And you really must go to bed, Laura. It’s past twelve o’clock, and that infernal machine’ll be going off before you’ve had any sleep at all.”
The “machine” was Laura’s alarum, which ran down every night just now at two o’clock. For, if one thing was sure, it was that affairs with Laura were in a sorry muddle53. In this, the last and most momentous54 year of her school life, at the close of which, like a steep wall to be scaled, rose the university examination, she was behindhand with her work, and occupied a mediocre55 place in her class. So steadfastly56 was her attention pitched on Evelyn that she could link it to nothing else: in the middle of an important task, her thoughts would stray to contemplate57 her friend or wonder what she was doing; while, if Evelyn were out for the evening, Laura gave up her meagre pretence58 of study altogether, and moodily59 propped60 her head in her hand. This was why she had hit on the small hours for the necessary cramming61; then, there were no distractions62: the great house was as still as an empty church; and Evelyn lay safe and sound before her. So, punctually at two o’clock Laura was startled, with a pounding heart, out of her first sleep; and lighting63 the gas she sat up in bed and pored over her books. Evelyn was not disturbed by the light, or at least she did not complain; and it was certainly a famous time for committing things to memory: the subsequent hours of sleep seemed rather to etch the facts into your brain than to blur64 them.
You cannot however rob Peter to pay Paul, with impunity65, and in the weeks that followed, despite her nightly industry, Laura made no headway.
As the term tapered66 to an end, things went from bad to worse with her; and since, besides, the parting with Evelyn was at the door, she was often to be seen with red-rimmed eyelids67, which she did not even try to conceal68.
“As if she’d lost her nearest relation!” laughed her school-fellows. And did they meet her privately69, on the stairs or in a house-corridor, they crossed their hands on their breasts and turned up their eyes, in tragedy-fashion.
Laura hardly saw them; for once in her life ridicule could not have her. The nearer the time drew, the more completely did the coming loss of Evelyn push other considerations into the background. It was bitter to reflect that her present dear friendship had no more strength to endure than the thin pretences70 of friendship she had hitherto played at. Evelyn and she would, no doubt, from time to time meet and take pleasure in each other again; but their homes lay hundreds of miles apart; and the intimacy71 of the schooldays was passing away, never to return. And no one could be held to blame for this. Evelyn’s mother and father thought, rightly enough, that it was time for their daughter to leave school — but that was all. They did not really miss her, or need her. No, it was just a stupid, crushing piece of ill-luck, which happened one did not know why. The ready rebel in Laura sprang into being again; and she fought hard against the lesson that there are events in life — bitter, grim, and grotesque72 events — beneath which one can only bow one’s head.— A further effect of the approaching separation was to bring home to her a sense of the fleetingness of things; she began to grasp that, everywhere and always, even while you revelled73 in them, things were perpetually rushing to a close; and the fact of them being things you loved, or enjoyed, was powerless to diminish the speed at which they escaped you.
Of course, though, these were sensations rather than thoughts; and they did not hinder Laura from going on her knees to Evelyn, to implore74 her to remain. Day after day Evelyn kindly75 and patiently explained why this could not be; and if she sometimes drew a sigh at the child’s persistence76, it was too faint to be audible. Now Laura knew that it was possible to kill animal-pets by surfeiting77 them; and, towards the end, a suspicion dawned on her that you might perhaps damage feelings in the same way. It stood to reason: no matter how fond two people were of each other, the one who was about to emerge, like a butterfly from its sheath, could not be asked to regret her release; and, at moments — when Laura lay sobbing face downwards78 on her bed, or otherwise vented79 her pertinacious80 and disruly grief — at these moments she thought she scented81 a dash of relief in Evelyn, at the prospect82 of deliverance.
But such delicate hints on the part of the hidden self are rarely able to gain a hearing; and, as the days dropped off one by one, like over-ripe fruit, Laura surrendered herself more and more blindly to her emotions. The consequence was, M. P.‘s prediction came true: in the test-examinations which took place at midwinter, Laura, together with the few dunces of her class, was ignominiously83 plucked. And still staggering under this blow, she had to kiss Evelyn good-bye, and to set her face for home.
收听单词发音 |
1
gut
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| n.[pl.]胆量；内脏；adj.本能的；vt.取出内脏 | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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cipher
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| n.零；无影响力的人；密码 | |
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scoured
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| 走遍（某地）搜寻（人或物）( scour的过去式和过去分词 )； （用力）刷； 擦净； 擦亮 | |
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gibe
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| n.讥笑；嘲弄 | |
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scowled
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| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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darted
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| v.投掷，投射( dart的过去式和过去分词 )；向前冲，飞奔 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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watchful
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| adj.注意的，警惕的 | |
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tighten
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| v.(使)变紧；(使)绷紧 | |
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persuasively
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| adv.口才好地；令人信服地 | |
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derisively
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| adv. 嘲笑地，嘲弄地 | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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whack
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| v.敲击，重打，瓜分；n.重击，重打，尝试，一份 | |
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brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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gorging
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| v.（用食物把自己）塞饱，填饱( gorge的现在分词 )；作呕 | |
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dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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judicial
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| adj.司法的，法庭的，审判的，明断的，公正的 | |
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batch
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| n.一批(组，群)；一批生产量 | |
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doggerel
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| n.拙劣的诗，打油诗 | |
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parched
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| adj.焦干的；极渴的；v.（使）焦干 | |
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greasy
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| adj. 多脂的，油脂的 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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degenerated
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| 衰退，堕落，退化( degenerate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tart
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| adj.酸的；尖酸的，刻薄的；n.果馅饼；淫妇 | |
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nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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remonstrated
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| v.抗议( remonstrate的过去式和过去分词 )；告诫 | |
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gallows
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| n.绞刑架，绞台 | |
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warehouses
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| 仓库，货栈( warehouse的名词复数 ) | |
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onlookers
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| n.旁观者，观看者( onlooker的名词复数 ) | |
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allusions
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| 暗指，间接提到( allusion的名词复数 ) | |
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motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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tyrant
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| n.暴君，专制的君主，残暴的人 | |
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averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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quelling
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| v.（用武力）制止，结束，镇压( quell的现在分词 ) | |
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obstinately
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| ad.固执地，顽固地 | |
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Undid
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| v. 解开, 复原 | |
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woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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steer
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| vt.驾驶，为…操舵；引导；vi.驾驶 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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45
sniff
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| vi.嗅…味道；抽鼻涕；对嗤之以鼻，蔑视 | |
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46
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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47
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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48
sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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49
stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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50
postpone
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| v.延期，推迟 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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52
savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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53
muddle
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| n.困惑，混浊状态；vt.使混乱，使糊涂，使惊呆；vi.胡乱应付，混乱 | |
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54
momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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mediocre
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| adj.平常的，普通的 | |
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steadfastly
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| adv.踏实地，不变地；岿然；坚定不渝 | |
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57
contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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58
pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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moodily
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| adv.喜怒无常地；情绪多变地；心情不稳地；易生气地 | |
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propped
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| 支撑，支持，维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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cramming
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| n.塞满，填鸭式的用功v.塞入( cram的现在分词 )；填塞；塞满；（为考试而）死记硬背功课 | |
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62
distractions
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| n.使人分心的事[人]( distraction的名词复数 )；娱乐，消遣；心烦意乱；精神错乱 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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blur
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| n.模糊不清的事物；vt.使模糊，使看不清楚 | |
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impunity
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| n.(惩罚、损失、伤害等的)免除 | |
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tapered
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| adj. 锥形的，尖削的，楔形的，渐缩的，斜的 动词taper的过去式和过去分词 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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pretences
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| n.假装( pretence的名词复数 )；作假；自命；自称 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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revelled
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| v.作乐( revel的过去式和过去分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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implore
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| vt.乞求，恳求，哀求 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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persistence
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| n.坚持，持续，存留 | |
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surfeiting
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| v.吃得过多( surfeit的现在分词 )；由于过量而厌腻 | |
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downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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vented
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| 表达，发泄（感情，尤指愤怒）( vent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pertinacious
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| adj.顽固的 | |
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scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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ignominiously
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| adv.耻辱地，屈辱地，丢脸地 | |
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