It was time for me to go in any case. Otherwise I should lose my excursion ticket, and we had no money for an extra fare. I wrote to catch the mail to ‘Possum Gully, stating when I should be in Goulburn. I had two more days in Sydney.
There was also a letter from Big Ears telling me he was going over the Gap if I continued to spurn5 his undying love. This scared me stiff. There would be a dreadful scandal. I should be regarded as a murderer, and no one would have any sympathy for a girl so unsexed as to write books. I could not handle this alone. Mrs. Crasterton would not quite understand. I longed for a friend. Edmée was no good in that respect except for me to admire. It was all on my side. Her vanity would be upset that Big Ears had transferred his aberration6. She might blame me for being underhand. I shrank from Derek’s ridicule7. Zo?, I felt, would be a tower of strength, but she had gone to Brisbane for a holiday.
Dear old Gaddy! He would understand. He would not lecture me about the way I did not want to go. I was ashamed that I had not appreciated Gaddy until this moment. He had given the blue sash in such a way that I could accept it. He had “shouted” all the plays and concerts that I had seen. Like Sister Anne on the parapet, or wherever she took up her stance, I had been looking for a knightly9 lover and had disregarded Gaddy because he had a double-chin and a girth like the mayor-and-corporation, and breathed so that I could always hear him if the conversation died down a little. He could not be idealised as a lover, but there had been more pestiferation than pleasure in lovers as known to me; and Gaddy’s person was formed to buttress10 friendship. I was famishing for a friend. When all is said and done, friendship is the only trustworthy fabric11 of the affections. So-called LOVE is a delirious12 inhuman13 state of mind: when hot it substitutes indulgence for fair play; when cold it is cruel, but friendship is warmth in cold, firm ground in a bog14.
“Gaddy, come into the garden with me, like Maud,” I pled. “I love it and the Harbor so, but I’m not safe there without you.”
Gaddy always did what he was asked without fuss, and no one noticed how unselfish he was because he was fat and old. He waddled15 around the flower beds plucking me a masculine bouquet—a leafless mixture of bloom, short of stalks and tightly compressed, but it smelt16 of heaven.
I confessed my trouble with Big Ears, and Gaddy wanted to know could I not consider him. I said I’d rather earn my living as a nurse maid. “Well, then,” said Gaddy, “just don’t bother about him.”
“But supposing he should commit suicide!”
“I’ll tell Derek, he’ll knock sense into him.”
This brought relief mixed with fear of Derek’s ridicule. I then told Gaddy about the drought and Pa being ill, and that I had to go home. Gaddy said that that was no sort of a career for a girl like me. I said my literary career had entirely17 gone bung in Sydney. Gaddy wanted to know what this fellow Hardy18 had been doing to help me. “Is he putting you in a play or what? A fellow like that doesn’t waste his time without getting something out of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, a little bird told me that a certain AUNT was away.”
So it seemed there were crows and magpies19 in Sydney as well as in the bush. “He wanted me to turn into someone that I am not, and go to London, but we have no money for that.”
Gaddy snorted and walked about a bit. “It’s a shame,” he said. “You need a patron, who would let you be yourself, and then you would have a brilliant career. Or you should have some cushy job with plenty of cash and leisure: but those jobs are given to men with influence. It would never do to let women have them, or where would men get wives?” He said this with a grin which extracted the sting.
Things would be righted now that women had the vote, but it would not be in time to help me, and I had not the necessary education. Gaddy breathed around the drive a bit and then we sat on the sea wall and he said, “There is a way that it could be settled as tight as a trivet.”
“Tell me how?” I demanded eagerly. Gaddy looked strange, even apoplectic20, and his eyes bulged21 as if he were twisting his squint22 straight to look at me.
When a woman has warning she can obviate23 the conventional fable24 that a man stutters or mutters about loving her more than life or a good dinner, and which necessitates25 the companion fibs about being unworthy of his love combined with humble26 thanks for the honour he has offered her in the opportunity to be his wife, likewise drudge27, echo, unfailing flatterer and so on. I had no warning from Gaddy. He said that I needed time and leisure to develop my kind of genius, and as he had plenty of money for the job, and loved me better than all the flash and selfish exploiters of my youth and beauty put together were capable of doing, what about solving my problem and making him as proud and happy as a pup with two tails by becoming Mrs. Gad8.
It was a disgracefully crude thing to have done, but I put my fingers in my ears and fled to my room. No firm ground anywhere. “Oh, Gaddy, Gad!” I said in my grief. “How could you betray me so? How could you?” To lean on FRIENDSHIP and find treacherous28 AMOUR in its sheep’s wool! Old Grayling and Henry Beauchamp at ‘Possum Gully, and Big Ears and Gaddy in Sydney. My career had certainly gone bung at both ends and in the middle. Kerplunk! Bang!
I sat in the dusk and suffered my plight29. Mrs. Crasterton might think that I had led her brother astray. I folded the blue sash and put it on Gaddy’s desk and continued to sit in the dark. I had recently read an article about men with gooseberry eyes and big girths making splendid husbands, but that girls passed them over to throw themselves under the feet of the man who would make their lives a misery30 because he could grace a dress suit and top hat. Gad and Goring31. Goring had none of Gad’s unselfish generosity32. Gaddy might even be noble, yet so powerful is appearance that the phrases of AMOUR would have GLAMOUR33 from Goring while Gaddy was so fat that his protestations could be nothing but fatuous34. Such are the stupid tricks that NATURE plays. I wonder why.
It was Mrs. Crasterton’s At Home night. Wheeler coiffured the ladies. I heard Gaddy come in and dress across the corridor. Derek called to his mother, “Who’s coming tonight?”
She named three members of the Cabinet, a university professor of note, an editor, several social nonentities35, and the Chief justice.
“The usual rabble,” said Derek, “but I might look in to see the Chief.” Derek was designed for something brilliant in the law.
“That will be nice, darling,” cooed his mother. I sat and shrank and shrank in the dark and wished I were back at ‘Possum Gully. I was misplaced in SOCIETY. Think how Edmée carried off admirers! They all made a fool of me, but think how she made fools of them so that they were for ever muttering around town about her, and trying to make out that she pursued them.
I was worried about Big Ears, as no doubt Gaddy would now leave him on my hands.
Everybody went down. There was great asking where was I, and at length Mrs. Crasterton came and turned on the light and found me. I felt a terrible fool. I said everything had gone wrong. Poor old Pa was not well, and the drought terrible, and it was wicked to be in Sydney enjoying myself while Ma had been struggling at home. I was as bad as a man who went on the spree. I said that I had written of my departure.
Mrs. Crasterton was kind and consoling. I pled to go to bed, but she said that would be no way to get the best out of the opportunities that Ma had let me have, that I must come down and put my worries aside. Only amateurs of life let their set-backs be known. “I’ll send Wheeler to tie the sash. She is an artist with bows.”
I said if I appeared in the sash again it would seem as if I went to bed in it. Mrs. Crasterton said that helped my quaintness36.
I had to go down to dinner. Gaddy ate a large meal. He did not seem to be abashed37 or upset, whereas my food stuck in my throat. “The old toad38, to spoil friendship,” I kept thinking to myself. “The old toad!”
Derek was an exposition of style from his patent leather toes to his shining hair. He gurgled and chuckled39 and winked40 at me until I did not know which way to look. At least it seemed that Big Ears couldn’t be in danger of felo de se.
Derek took me aside at the end of dinner and said that he had taken up my case with Big Ears. “He must be given a penny and told to take his hurdy-gurdy to some other corner. We don’t like the noise here.”
“You won’t let him commit suicide?”
Derek laughed. “People with his make of ears never die for love. They propose to all the girls and at last one takes them and they rear a big family and praise God.”
Mrs. Crasterton here summoned him. The Chief Justice had come early to have a few words with me. Derek surprised me by presenting me to the lovely old man with a beautiful mop of white hair. “They’ve all tried to spoil her, but she’s full of wit and common sense and takes everyone out of winding41. She’s the richest thing I ever met. Her judgments42 of people would amuse you, Sir.”
Derek beamed upon me every now and again. Gaddy actually shone with feats43 of interestingness and attentiveness44 to all and sundry45. A couple of lieutenants46 from the Flagship engaged Edmée’s attention. They were so carried away by her that they wound up like a clock stopping when Mrs. Crasterton tried to put them in circulation. She remarked afterwards that so many young Englishmen reminded her of underdone suet dumplings.
A cabled item in the evening papers was discussed. A certain nobleman was suing for divorce from his wife and naming as co-respondent an officer of the Guards. It was infatuation for this lady, said the quid nuncs, which had resulted in Goring Hardy coming to Australia and remaining so long. He would be now free to return to London. They speculated whether or not he would marry Lady Hartlepool when she should be free, whether he had been writing during his visit or if his time had been entirely wasted. “Was there no Sydney young lady able to engage his fancy?” inquired Sir James Hobnob, making eyes at Edmée. She languished47 and got away splendidly with the suggestion that she had not exerted herself, that he was much, much too old for her.
“A fascinating chap,” brayed48 Sir James. “A real man of the world, and a great name in Australian literature.”
“You bet,” said Derek. “The only Australian literary name that cuts any figure on a cheque.”
To my consternation49 Big Ears was announced. He soon found his way to me and concentrated his gaze upon me until I thought I should go off into yelps50 of nervous laughter. The Lord be praised, Edmée came to the rescue. She needed someone to set against the naval51 boys, and Big Ears was the nearest insect.
“That’s what I call a wind in your favour,” said Derek, as he slipped into a seat beside me. “What’s this about you leaving us so soon? I had planned all sorts of things for you next week.”
“I should have been here next week,” I murmured. Then he said I was the jolliest little chum who had been in the house for ages. “All sorts of freaks impose on the Mater, but I have felt that perhaps she imposed on you, letting you carry all this social blither without any armour52, so to speak.”
I had heard him making fun of my lack of wardrobe and my unsophisticatedness. “I’ve felt that I was chasing you from home,” I said.
“I always go out as much as possible when Edmée comes to stay. She’d jolly well have me up for breach53 of promise, if I wasn’t too slippery. I warn Gaddy to put nothing in writing. I’m sick of her family too. It’s all a fellow can do to put up with the breadth and antiquity54 of his own without having someone else’s mouldy pedigree thrust down his throat with the breakfast bacon and dinner soup.”
“Oh, but I think Edmée is lovely.”
“So does she, but all but herself recover from the delusion55 in time. If she doesn’t soon hook a fish she’ll be passée. Let’s tackle Big Ears together. I’ll be best man if you like.”
This was too much of a finish on the day and I could not keep my lips from quivering. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’ll take the beastly little green-grocer out the back and we’ll give him the order of the turnip56.”
He beckoned57 to Big Ears and extracted me quietly through the hind58 door and took us upstairs to his own snuggery. I said I wanted to return safely into his own hands the lovely jewellery that Big Ears had so kindly59 lent me, as I was going home.
“And I’ve just been telling her not to take any notice of you,” chirped60 Derek, “that you are such a devil of a fellow with the girls, you have half-a-dozen on the string at once. Sybylla is as serious as a pest, so I hope you have not been flirting62 with her.”
Derek was an audacious wag. I left the situation to him. He represented me as too young and simple to be pestiferated with the confisticated boredom63 of marriage. “Why, even I would not dare to flirt61 with Sybylla. I’m letting her mature unmolested. I love her as a sister, but no larks64 with such a clever young lady.” If only he had flirted65 with me just a little, how delightful66 it would have been. He was so full of fun that he amused everyone. People always helped him laugh, but anyone who attempted to laugh at him came a cropper.
“You wait till she comes to town a year hence,” advised Derek. “And what’s more, my beauty, you’re going into training for our tennis tournament. I mean to make a champion of you.”
“A champion at paying all the loose ends of expenses,” murmured Big Ears.
“Well, you’ll have your portrait painted for that as soon as you get a tummy to fill the middle of a canvas. When training, the first rule is that you must not think of a lady. Nothing so puts a man out of condition.”
“That’s pugilists,” protested Big Ears.
“What will put the punch into pugilists is good enough to give a forehand wallop to your serving. Now, assure Sybylla that she mustn’t have any spoony drivel for a whole year at least. You are as free as air. So is she. In a year’s time, we shall see.”
I gave Big Ears his bracelets67. He began to discuss the possibility of getting into a first-class game, and we three returned to the drawing-room together.
The people dribbled68 away rather early that night. The Editor stopped a moment on the doormat talking to Mrs. Crasterton and promised to ring up in the morning.
Gad insisted upon my having a talk with him in his study as I went up to retire. I did not feel too easy, but did not know how to escape.
“Dear, dear,” said Gaddy, “so you have returned the sash like a novelette. You take life too hard altogether. Cuss it, I don’t think it will hurt either of us for you to keep that piece of rag. So my little bit of spoof69 scared you! I did not understand what an inexperienced child you are. I’m awfully70 sorry that I upset you, because I have no other feeling but one of friendship.”
Waves of shame swept all over me to find what a fool I had made of myself, but I was learning the technique of dissimulation71 hour by hour. If only I had kept my head and applied72 Zo?‘s recipe!
“Oh, Gaddy, I really thought for a moment that you were in earnest, because others have been, you know, or thought they were for an hour or two, and you were such a lovely friend that it was sad to have you turn spoony.”
“That’s what we are always going to be, I hope—friends.”
On this note we separated, I with the sash in my hand.
I had a tortured sleepless73 night. I roamed into Edmée’s room. She was sleeping as soundly as Mrs. Crasterton, and as audibly. All the lovers raging for Edmée or misconstruing her actions did not agitate74 her. A beauty, no doubt, early grows accustomed to that sort of thing. I envied Edmée her royal self-satisfaction. She had been adulated75 all her life so that her ears caught only approval, while mine, supersensitive and directed to concentrate on shortcomings, accumulated and retained only wounds and let the plaudits go.
I was disturbed by the antics of Big Ears and by Derek’s intervention76; and Gad’s case was more botched-up than happily erased77. I could not be sure that he had been joking. Even had he been, the worry was merely transferred to my being the fool. Derek too added to my humiliation78 by emphasising his brotherliness. Did I appear to him as absurd as a figure of romance as Gaddy did to me? Could I have had just one evening dress and dancing lessons I could have had some fun among people of my own age.
I should be relieved to escape to ‘Possum Gully and leave my measley little pig-dog career behind me in Sydney.
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1
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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villa
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| n.别墅，城郊小屋 | |
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rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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gauge
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| v.精确计量；估计；n.标准度量；计量器 | |
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spurn
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| v.拒绝，摈弃；n.轻视的拒绝；踢开 | |
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aberration
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| n.离开正路，脱离常规，色差 | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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gad
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| n.闲逛；v.闲逛 | |
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knightly
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| adj. 骑士般的 adv. 骑士般地 | |
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buttress
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| n.支撑物；v.支持 | |
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fabric
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| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
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delirious
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| adj.不省人事的，神智昏迷的 | |
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inhuman
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| adj.残忍的，不人道的，无人性的 | |
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bog
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| n.沼泽；室...陷入泥淖 | |
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waddled
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| v.（像鸭子一样）摇摇摆摆地走( waddle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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hardy
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| adj.勇敢的，果断的，吃苦的；耐寒的 | |
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magpies
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| 喜鹊（magpie的复数形式） | |
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apoplectic
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| adj.中风的；愤怒的；n.中风患者 | |
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bulged
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| 凸出( bulge的过去式和过去分词 )； 充满； 塞满（某物） | |
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squint
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| v. 使变斜视眼, 斜视, 眯眼看, 偏移, 窥视; n. 斜视, 斜孔小窗; adj. 斜视的, 斜的 | |
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obviate
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| v.除去，排除，避免，预防 | |
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fable
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| n.寓言；童话；神话 | |
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necessitates
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| 使…成为必要，需要( necessitate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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drudge
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| n.劳碌的人；v.做苦工，操劳 | |
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treacherous
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| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
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plight
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| n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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goring
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| v.（动物）用角撞伤，用牙刺破( gore的现在分词 ) | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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glamour
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| n.魔力，魅力；vt.迷住 | |
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fatuous
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| adj.愚昧的；昏庸的 | |
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nonentities
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| n.无足轻重的人( nonentity的名词复数 )；蝼蚁 | |
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quaintness
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| n.离奇有趣，古怪的事物 | |
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abashed
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| adj.窘迫的，尴尬的v.使羞愧，使局促，使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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toad
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| n.蟾蜍，癞蛤蟆 | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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judgments
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| 判断( judgment的名词复数 )； 鉴定； 评价； 审判 | |
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feats
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| 功绩，伟业，技艺( feat的名词复数 ) | |
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attentiveness
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| [医]注意 | |
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sundry
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| adj.各式各样的，种种的 | |
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lieutenants
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| n.陆军中尉( lieutenant的名词复数 )；副职官员；空军；仅低于…官阶的官员 | |
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47
languished
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| 长期受苦( languish的过去式和过去分词 )； 受折磨； 变得（越来越）衰弱； 因渴望而变得憔悴或闷闷不乐 | |
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48
brayed
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| v.发出驴叫似的声音( bray的过去式和过去分词 )；发嘟嘟声；粗声粗气地讲话（或大笑）；猛击 | |
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49
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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50
yelps
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| n.（因痛苦、气愤、兴奋等的）短而尖的叫声( yelp的名词复数 )v.发出短而尖的叫声( yelp的第三人称单数 ) | |
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51
naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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52
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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53
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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54
antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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55
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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56
turnip
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| n.萝卜，芜菁 | |
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57
beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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chirped
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| 鸟叫，虫鸣( chirp的过去式 ) | |
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flirt
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| v.调情，挑逗，调戏；n.调情者，卖俏者 | |
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flirting
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的现在分词 ) | |
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boredom
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| n.厌烦，厌倦，乏味，无聊 | |
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larks
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| n.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的名词复数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了v.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的第三人称单数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了 | |
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flirted
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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bracelets
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| n.手镯，臂镯( bracelet的名词复数 ) | |
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dribbled
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| v.流口水( dribble的过去式和过去分词 )；（使液体）滴下或作细流；运球，带球 | |
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spoof
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| n.诳骗，愚弄，戏弄 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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dissimulation
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| n.掩饰，虚伪，装糊涂 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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agitate
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| vi.(for,against)煽动，鼓动；vt.搅动 | |
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adulated
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| v.谄媚，奉承( adulate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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intervention
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| n.介入，干涉，干预 | |
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erased
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| v.擦掉( erase的过去式和过去分词 )；抹去；清除 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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