——
“Past and to come seem best; things present worst.”—Shakespeare.
In my time I believe Whist has on the whole deteriorated,[58] it mistakes means for ends, is more tricky2, more difficult, more cantankerous3; with regard to common mistakes—inability to hold a few cards without dropping them on the table, or to play them one at a time; inability to count[106] thirteen, to recollect4 the best card, or whether it was your opponents, your partner, or yourself who first led a suit; winning your partner’s trick, or not winning your adversary’s; leading out of turn, revoking5, and so on—there is not much difference.
As long as I can recollect, Whist has been gorged6 with these, and neither the hydraulic7 ram8 nor any other of the improved mechanical appliances of the present day can squeeze into a thing more than it will hold. Architects of card-rooms are to blame for a good deal of this bad Whist; it is impossible to play in a badly lighted, or a badly ventilated room. Whist players have often told me exactly what they require, and it is very odd they cannot have it.
With a large fire, the room hermetically sealed, and everybody smoking, the temperature should never exceed sixty-one-and-a-half degrees, nor be below sixty. There must be neither doors (they admit draughts) nor windows: windows are open—allow me to withdraw that offensive word—windows are exposed to two objections, (1) some scoundrel, regardless of consequences, might lower or raise the sash; (2) instead of being placed in the ceiling or the floor—where you would naturally expect to find them—they are always at the side of the room, and no whist player can see a card with the windows in such a position.
Candles do not give sufficient light, and gas is unbearable9; a suggestion to try an attic10 with a[107] skylight fell through (not through the skylight—I mean the suggestion failed), because no one was able to go upstairs; a lift would overcome that objection, but the temperature difficulty remained.
This only applies to clubs; curiously11 enough, in small stuffy12 back-rooms in private houses, gas never causes head-ache, and neither a mephitic atmosphere nor a temperature of 120° is at all disagreeable.
Joking apart, the fons et origo mali is Law 91, and not only the head and front of the offending, but its barrel and hind13 quarters as well.[59]
Since the introduction of signalling, the subsequent petrolatry, and all the elaborate functions of that cultus, an exaggerated importance (increasing in geometric ratio with every additional convention) has been attached to the last trick—the only place where, by universal consent, anything can reasonably be “looked for”—and if you, after seeing the cards played, informing your partner which is yours (of course, in answer to his enquiry), gathering14 the trick and arranging it neatly15, should imagine you have done with it, you will be the victim of a fond delusion—using “fond” in the old acceptation of the word. First, your partner will ask to see it at least twice, then your opponents, one or both, will probably grab at it without asking, and put it back[108] in a dishevelled condition; it is useless to specify16 what their mental state must be, and unfortunately, by the time all these irritating performances have been gone through and you have again arranged the trick symmetrically, you will find yours is not all you could wish. You can avoid some of these annoyances17 by allowing your partner to gather the tricks, but from his slovenly18 mode of doing so, you will never be able to see how many he has; and just as you are endeavouring to concentrate your attention at a critical point, it will be distracted by your having to make an intricate calculation how the game stands, the data being the cards remaining in your hand, and two confused heaps on the table; as long as this is permitted, whist is out of the question, and you feel inclined to say with the Divine Williams,
“Let him have a table by himself.”
One of the principal uses of the new method of suspended animation19 will turn out to be, that all decent whist players will have to submit themselves to it, and remain, arranged in rows on shelves, until that law is abrogated20.
The number of shelves required will not appreciably21 affect the timber trade.[60]
[109]
In the good time coming, promised by the poet to those of you who wait a little longer, when the present inspired, convention-ridden, and last-trick-inspecting generation is in the silent tomb or cremated22, as the case may be, and a new school—basing its play on common sense and attention—has arisen, there may be an improvement; but as I am not an optimist23 I cannot join in the aspiration24 of the little girl whose world was hollow and whose doll was stuffed with sawdust; therefore, though this improvement, like the millennium25, may be looming26 in the more or less remote future, I see no sign of it at present.
If “to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the sun,” also “a time to lose and a time to cast away.”—Ecclesiastes, chap. 1, verse 1-6: it seems clear to me there must be a time for bumblepuppy.
Some people deny this, they say that the argument proves too much; they point out that Shakespeare says there are
“Tongues in trees, books in the running brooks27,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything.”
and that as this could not apply to bumblepuppy, these passages only show that it was unknown when they were written.
Another argument of theirs against the antiquity28 of bumblepuppy, based on the passage “in all labour there is profit,” is altogether fallacious and[110] unworthy of consideration; they admit the labour but deny the profit. This must have had its origin east of Temple Bar, where it is held there is no profit unless it assumes a pecuniary29 form. But the repressing your innate30 tendency to profane31 swearing, curbing32 your evil passions generally, and the cultivation—under considerable difficulties—of nearly all the cardinal33 virtues34, as inuring35 to your moral well-being36, are a profit of the most positive kind;[61] to be able to give a definite answer to the long-standing conundrum37 “is life worth living?” is something.
However, you can draw your own conclusion, the extract from Shakespeare is—I confess—difficult to get over, still, when Solomon makes use of these remarkable38 words “a time to lose and a time to cast away,” I fail to see what he could have had in his mind, unless it was this very game.
At any rate one thing is clear, bumblepuppy exists now, and is not a pretty game (there can be no two opinions about that); neither—judging from the demeanour and language of its exponents—is it a pleasant game. I append a hand, which is, I think, the finest specimen39 of it I ever saw.[111] Judge for yourself. I had jotted40 down a few further remarks on this repulsive41 subject, but on reading them over, they seem to be not only inconsistent with that extreme reverence42 which is due to the young, but absolutely unfit for publication.
“Quod factu f?dum est, idem est et dictu turpe.”
R. I. P.
The two games are now before you, let me conclude the lecture with one more extract from my favourite classic.
Utrum horum mavis accipe.
——
SPECIMEN OF BUMBLEPUPPY IN EXCELSIS.
“Here’s a pretty state of things! Here’s a how-de-do!”
Score love all. Trumps44 diamond 9. Z is a bumblepuppist with the highest opinion of himself.
A. Y. B. Z.
1 H5 H6 H2 H4
2 D2 D5 D4 DK!
3 S3 SK SA S4!!
4 S7 SJ S2 SQ
5 D8 D10 S10 S9!!!
6 D3 D7 D6 DQ!!!!
7 C3 DJ DA D9!!!!!
8 C4 H8 S8 C2
9 C6 C8 S6 C9
10 C7 HQ S5 CJ
11 H10 HA H3 H9
12 H8 CA C5 CK
13 HJ CQ C10 HK
[112]
This is the worst hand ever played, without exception; it is a microcosm, complete in itself, and contains examples of stupidity, selfishness, duplicity, defiance45 of all recognized principles, and every conceivable villainy.
Trick 2.—The misplaced ingenuity46 in deceiving Y as to the position of the Qn is worth notice.
Trick 3.—The lead of the only weak suit, in preference to the strong suit of clubs, playing up to declared weakness in hearts, or returning the trump43 is very neat.
Trick 5.—The force here of the trump leader, inducing him to believe that Z at any rate holds the remaining spades, an illusion carefully fostered by B, is especially good.
Trick 7.—The return of the trump at this point with the best trump (probably) and three long spades (certainly) declared against him in one hand, is a real gem47.
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1
deterioration
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| n.退化；恶化；变坏 | |
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tricky
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| adj.狡猾的，奸诈的；(工作等)棘手的，微妙的 | |
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cantankerous
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| adj.爱争吵的，脾气不好的 | |
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recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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revoking
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| v.撤销，取消，废除( revoke的现在分词 ) | |
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gorged
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| v.（用食物把自己）塞饱，填饱( gorge的过去式和过去分词 )；作呕 | |
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hydraulic
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| adj.水力的；水压的，液压的；水力学的 | |
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ram
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| (random access memory)随机存取存储器 | |
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unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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stuffy
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| adj.不透气的，闷热的 | |
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hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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specify
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| vt.指定，详细说明 | |
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annoyances
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| n.恼怒( annoyance的名词复数 )；烦恼；打扰；使人烦恼的事 | |
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slovenly
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| adj.懒散的，不整齐的，邋遢的 | |
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animation
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| n.活泼，兴奋，卡通片／动画片的制作 | |
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abrogated
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| 废除（法律等）( abrogate的过去式和过去分词 )； 取消； 去掉； 抛开 | |
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appreciably
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| adv.相当大地 | |
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cremated
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| v.火葬，火化（尸体）( cremate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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optimist
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| n.乐观的人，乐观主义者 | |
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aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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millennium
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| n.一千年，千禧年；太平盛世 | |
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looming
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| n.上现蜃景（光通过低层大气发生异常折射形成的一种海市蜃楼）v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的现在分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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brooks
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| n.小溪( brook的名词复数 ) | |
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antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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innate
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| adj.天生的，固有的，天赋的 | |
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profane
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| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
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curbing
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| n.边石，边石的材料v.限制，克制，抑制( curb的现在分词 ) | |
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cardinal
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| n.(天主教的)红衣主教；adj.首要的，基本的 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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inuring
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| v.使习惯（于）( inure的现在分词 ) | |
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well-being
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| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
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conundrum
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| n.谜语；难题 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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jotted
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| v.匆忙记下( jot的过去式和过去分词 )；草草记下，匆匆记下 | |
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repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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42
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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43
trump
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| n.王牌，法宝；v.打出王牌，吹喇叭 | |
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44
trumps
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| abbr.trumpets 喇叭；小号；喇叭形状的东西；喇叭筒v.（牌戏）出王牌赢（一牌或一墩）( trump的过去式 )；吹号公告，吹号庆祝；吹喇叭；捏造 | |
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45
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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46
ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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gem
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| n.宝石，珠宝；受爱戴的人 [同]jewel | |
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