THE INVENTOR OF THE PATENT PERRYAN PEN.
“In this good work, Penn appears the greatest, usefullest of God’s instruments. Firm and unbending when the exigency1 requires it—soft and yielding when rigid2 inflexibility3 is not a desideratum, fluent and flowing, at need, for eloquent5 rapidity—slow and retentive6 in cases of deliberation—never spluttering or by amplification7 going wide of the mark—never splitting, if it can be helped, with any one, but ready to wear itself out rather in their service—all things as it were with all men, ready to embrace the hand of Jew, Christian8 or Mahometan,—heavy with the German, light with the Italian, oblique9 with the English, upright with the Roman, backward in coming forward with the Hebrew,—in short, for flexibility4, amiability10, constitutional durability11, general ability, and universal utility, it would be hard to find a parallel to the great Penn.”
PERRY’S CHARACTERISTICS OF A SETTLER.
I.
O! Patent, Pen-inventing Perrian Perry!
Friend of the Goose and Gander,
That now unplucked of their quill12-feathers wander,
Cackling, and gabbling, dabbling13, making merry,
About the happy Fen14,
Untroubled for one penny-worth of pen,
For which they chant thy praise all Britain through,
From Goose-Green unto Gander-Cleugh!—
II.
Friend to all Author-kind—
Whether of Poet or of Proser,—
Thou art composer unto the composer
Of pens,—yea, patent vehicles for Mind
To carry it on jaunts15, or more extensive
Perrygrinations through the realms of Thought;
Each plying16 from the Comic to the Pensive17,
An Omnibus of intellectual sort!
[Pg 133]
III.
Modern Improvements in their course we feel;
And while to iron-railroads heavy wares18,
Dry goods, and human bodies, pay their fares,
Mind flies on steel,
To Penrith, Penrhyn, even to Penzance.
Nay19, penetrates20, perchance,
To Pennsylvania, or without rash vaunts,
To where the Penguin21 haunts!
IV.
In times bygone, when each man cut his quill
With little Perryan skill,
What horrid22, awkward, bungling23 tools of trade
Appear’d the writing implements24 home-made!
What Pens were sliced, hew’d, hack’d, and haggled25 out,
Slit26 or unslit, with many a various snout,
Aquiline27, Roman, crooked28, square, and snubby,
Stumpy and stubby;
Some capable of ladye-billets neat,
Some only fit for Ledger-keeping Clerk,
And some to grub down Peter Stubbs his mark,
Or smudge through some illegible30 receipt;
Others in florid caligraphic plans,
Equal to Ships, and wiggy Heads, and Swans!
V.
To try in any common inkstands, then,
With all their miscellaneous stocks,
To find a decent pen,
Was like a dip into a lucky box:
You drew,—and got one very curly,
And split like endive in some hurly-burly;
[Pg 134]
The next, unslit, and square at end, a spade;
The third, incipient31 pop-gun, not yet made;
The fourth a broom; the fifth of no avail,
Turn’d upwards32, like a rabbit’s tail;
And last, not least, by way of a relief,
A stump29 that Master Richard, James, or John,
Had tried his candle-cookery upon,
Making “roast-beef!”
VI.
Not so thy Perryan Pens!
True to their M’s and N’s,
They do not with a whizzing zig-zag split,
Straddle, turn up their noses, sulk, and spit,
Or drop large dots,
Huge fullstop blots33,
Where even semicolons were unfit.
They will not frizzle up, or, broom-like, drudge34
In sable35 sludge—
Nay, bought at proper “Patent Perryan” shops,
They write good grammar, sense, and mind their stops;
Compose both prose and verse, the sad or merry—
For when the Editor, whose pains compile
The grown-up Annual, or the Juvenile36,
Vaunteth his articles, not women’s, men’s,
But lays “by the most celebrated37 Pens,”
What means he but thy Patent Pens, my Perry?
VII.
Pleasant they are to feel!
So firm! so flexible! composed of steel
So finely temper’d—fit for tenderest Miss
To give her passion breath,
Or Kings to sign the warrant stern of death—
[Pg 135]
But their supremest merit still is this,
Write with them all your days,
Tragedy, Comedy, all kinds of plays—
(No Dramatist should ever be without ’em)—
And, just conceive the bliss,—
There is so little of the goose aboot ’em,
One’s safe from any hiss38!
VIII.
Ah! who can paint that first great awful night,
Big with a blessing39 or a blight40,
When the poor Dramatist, all fume41 and fret42,
Fuss, fidget, fancy, fever, funking, fright,
Ferment43, fault-fearing, faintness—more f’s yet:
Flushed, frigid44, flurried, flinching45, fitful, flat,—
Add famished46, fuddled, and fatigued47, to that;
Funeral, fate-foreboding—sits in doubt,
Or rather doubt with hope, a wretched marriage,
To see his Play upon the stage come out;
No stage to him! it is Thalia’s carriage,
And he is sitting on the spikes48 behind it,
Striving to look as if he didn’t mind it!
IX.
Witness how Beazley vents49 upon his hat
His nervousness, meanwhile his fate is dealt:
He kneads, moulds, pummels it, and sits it flat,
Squeezes and twists it up, until the felt
That went a Beaver50 in, comes out a Rat!
Miss Mitford had mis-givings, and in fright,
Upon Rienzi’s night,
Gnaw’d up one long kid glove, and all her bag,
Quite to a rag.
[Pg 136]
Knowles has confess’d he trembled as for life
Afraid of his own “Wife;”
Poole told me that he felt a monstrous51 pail
Of water backing him, all down his spine,—
“The ice-brook’s temper”—pleasant to the chine!
For fear that Simpson and his Co. should fail.
Did Lord Glengall not frame a mental pray’r,
Wishing devoutly52 he was Lord knows where?
Nay, did not Jerrold, in enormous drouth,
While doubtful of Nell Gwynne’s eventful luck,
Squeeze out and suck
More oranges with his one fevered mouth,
Than Nelly had to hawk53 from North to South?
Yea, Buckstone, changing colour like a mullet,
Refused, on an occasion, once, twice, thrice,
From his best friend, an ice,
Lest it should hiss in his own red-hot gullet.
X.
Doth punning Peake not sit upon the points
Of his own jokes, and shake in all his joints54,
During their trial?
’Tis past denial.
And does not Pocock, feeling, like a peacock,
All eyes upon him, turn to very meacock?
And does not Planché, tremulous and blank,
Meanwhile his personages tread the boards,
Seem goaded55 by sharp swords,
And call’d upon himself to “walk the plank56?”
As for the Dances, Charles and George to boot,
What have they more
Of ease and rest, for sole of either foot,
Than bear that capers57 on a hotted floor?
[Pg 137]
XI.
Thus pending—does not Mathews, at sad shift
For voice, croak58 like a frog in waters fenny59?—
Serle seem upon the surly seas adrift?—
And Kenny think he’s going to Kilkenny?—
Haynes Bayly feel Old ditto, with the note
Of Cotton in his ear, a mortal grapple
About his arms, and Adam’s apples
Big as a fine Dutch codling in his throat?
Did Rodwell, on his chimney-piece, desire
Or not to take a jump into the fire?
Did Wade60 feel as composed as music can?
And was not Bernard his own Nervous Man?
Lastly, don’t Farley, a bewildered elf,
Quake at the Pantomime he loves to cater61,
And ere its changes ring, transform himself?—
A frightful62 mug of human delf?
A spirit-bottle—empty of “the cratur”?
A leaden-platter ready for the shelf?
A thunderstruck dumb-waiter?
XII.
To clench63 the fact,
Myself once guilty, of one small rash act,
Committed at the Surrey
Quite in a hurry,
Felt all this flurry,
Corporal worry,
And spiritual scurry64,
Dram-devil—attic curry65!
All going well
From prompter’s bell,
Until befel
[Pg 138]
A hissing66 at some dull imperfect dunce—
There’s no denying,
I felt in all four elements at once!
My head was swimming, while my arms were flying,
My legs for running—all the rest was frying!
点击收听单词发音
1 exigency | |
n.紧急;迫切需要 | |
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2 rigid | |
adj.严格的,死板的;刚硬的,僵硬的 | |
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3 inflexibility | |
n.不屈性,顽固,不变性;不可弯曲;非挠性;刚性 | |
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4 flexibility | |
n.柔韧性,弹性,(光的)折射性,灵活性 | |
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5 eloquent | |
adj.雄辩的,口才流利的;明白显示出的 | |
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6 retentive | |
v.保留的,有记忆的;adv.有记性地,记性强地;n.保持力 | |
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7 amplification | |
n.扩大,发挥 | |
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8 Christian | |
adj.基督教徒的;n.基督教徒 | |
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9 oblique | |
adj.斜的,倾斜的,无诚意的,不坦率的 | |
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10 amiability | |
n.和蔼可亲的,亲切的,友善的 | |
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11 durability | |
n.经久性,耐用性 | |
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12 quill | |
n.羽毛管;v.给(织物或衣服)作皱褶 | |
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13 dabbling | |
v.涉猎( dabble的现在分词 );涉足;浅尝;少量投资 | |
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14 fen | |
n.沼泽,沼池 | |
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15 jaunts | |
n.游览( jaunt的名词复数 ) | |
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16 plying | |
v.使用(工具)( ply的现在分词 );经常供应(食物、饮料);固定往来;经营生意 | |
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17 pensive | |
a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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18 wares | |
n. 货物, 商品 | |
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19 nay | |
adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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20 penetrates | |
v.穿过( penetrate的第三人称单数 );刺入;了解;渗透 | |
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21 penguin | |
n.企鹅 | |
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22 horrid | |
adj.可怕的;令人惊恐的;恐怖的;极讨厌的 | |
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23 bungling | |
adj.笨拙的,粗劣的v.搞糟,完不成( bungle的现在分词 );笨手笨脚地做;失败;完不成 | |
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24 implements | |
n.工具( implement的名词复数 );家具;手段;[法律]履行(契约等)v.实现( implement的第三人称单数 );执行;贯彻;使生效 | |
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25 haggled | |
v.讨价还价( haggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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26 slit | |
n.狭长的切口;裂缝;vt.切开,撕裂 | |
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27 aquiline | |
adj.钩状的,鹰的 | |
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28 crooked | |
adj.弯曲的;不诚实的,狡猾的,不正当的 | |
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29 stump | |
n.残株,烟蒂,讲演台;v.砍断,蹒跚而走 | |
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30 illegible | |
adj.难以辨认的,字迹模糊的 | |
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31 incipient | |
adj.起初的,发端的,初期的 | |
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32 upwards | |
adv.向上,在更高处...以上 | |
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33 blots | |
污渍( blot的名词复数 ); 墨水渍; 错事; 污点 | |
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34 drudge | |
n.劳碌的人;v.做苦工,操劳 | |
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35 sable | |
n.黑貂;adj.黑色的 | |
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36 juvenile | |
n.青少年,少年读物;adj.青少年的,幼稚的 | |
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37 celebrated | |
adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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38 hiss | |
v.发出嘶嘶声;发嘘声表示不满 | |
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39 blessing | |
n.祈神赐福;祷告;祝福,祝愿 | |
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40 blight | |
n.枯萎病;造成破坏的因素;vt.破坏,摧残 | |
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41 fume | |
n.(usu pl.)(浓烈或难闻的)烟,气,汽 | |
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42 fret | |
v.(使)烦恼;(使)焦急;(使)腐蚀,(使)磨损 | |
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43 ferment | |
vt.使发酵;n./vt.(使)激动,(使)动乱 | |
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44 frigid | |
adj.寒冷的,凛冽的;冷淡的;拘禁的 | |
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45 flinching | |
v.(因危险和痛苦)退缩,畏惧( flinch的现在分词 ) | |
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46 famished | |
adj.饥饿的 | |
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47 fatigued | |
adj. 疲乏的 | |
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48 spikes | |
n.穗( spike的名词复数 );跑鞋;(防滑)鞋钉;尖状物v.加烈酒于( spike的第三人称单数 );偷偷地给某人的饮料加入(更多)酒精( 或药物);把尖状物钉入;打乱某人的计划 | |
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49 vents | |
(气体、液体等进出的)孔、口( vent的名词复数 ); (鸟、鱼、爬行动物或小哺乳动物的)肛门; 大衣等的)衩口; 开衩 | |
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50 beaver | |
n.海狸,河狸 | |
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51 monstrous | |
adj.巨大的;恐怖的;可耻的,丢脸的 | |
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52 devoutly | |
adv.虔诚地,虔敬地,衷心地 | |
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53 hawk | |
n.鹰,骗子;鹰派成员 | |
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54 joints | |
接头( joint的名词复数 ); 关节; 公共场所(尤指价格低廉的饮食和娱乐场所) (非正式); 一块烤肉 (英式英语) | |
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55 goaded | |
v.刺激( goad的过去式和过去分词 );激励;(用尖棒)驱赶;驱使(或怂恿、刺激)某人 | |
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56 plank | |
n.板条,木板,政策要点,政纲条目 | |
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57 capers | |
n.开玩笑( caper的名词复数 );刺山柑v.跳跃,雀跃( caper的第三人称单数 ) | |
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58 croak | |
vi.嘎嘎叫,发牢骚 | |
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59 fenny | |
adj.沼泽的;沼泽多的;长在沼泽地带的;住在沼泽地的 | |
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60 wade | |
v.跋涉,涉水;n.跋涉 | |
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61 cater | |
vi.(for/to)满足,迎合;(for)提供饮食及服务 | |
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62 frightful | |
adj.可怕的;讨厌的 | |
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63 clench | |
vt.捏紧(拳头等),咬紧(牙齿等),紧紧握住 | |
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64 scurry | |
vi.急匆匆地走;使急赶;催促;n.快步急跑,疾走;仓皇奔跑声;骤雨,骤雪;短距离赛马 | |
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65 curry | |
n.咖哩粉,咖哩饭菜;v.用咖哩粉调味,用马栉梳,制革 | |
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66 hissing | |
n. 发嘶嘶声, 蔑视 动词hiss的现在分词形式 | |
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