"Kaliko, I think I shall make you the General of my armies."
"I think you won't," replied Kaliko, positively3.
"Because I'm your Chief Steward and know nothing of warfare," said Kaliko, preparing to dodge5 if anything were thrown at him. "I manage all the affairs of your kingdom better than you could yourself, and you'll never find another Steward as good as I am. But there are a hundred Nomes better fitted to command your army, and your Generals get thrown away so often that I have no desire to be one of them."
"Ah, there is some truth in your remarks, Kaliko," remarked the King, deciding not to throw the scepter. "Summon my army to assemble in the Great Cavern6."
Kaliko bowed and retired7, and in a few minutes returned to say that the army was assembled. So the King went out upon a balcony that overlooked the Great Cavern, where fifty thousand Nomes, all armed with swords and pikes, stood marshaled in military array.
When they were not required as soldiers all these Nomes were metal workers and miners, and they had hammered so much at the forges and dug so hard with pick and shovel8 that they had acquired great muscular strength. They were strangely formed creatures, rather round and not very tall. Their toes were curly and their ears broad and flat.
In time of war every Nome left his forge or mine and became part of the great army of King Roquat. The soldiers wore rock-colored uniforms and were excellently drilled.
The King looked upon this tremendous army, which stood silently arrayed before him, and a cruel smile curled the corners of his mouth, for he saw that his legions were very powerful. Then he addressed them from the balcony, saying:
"I have thrown away General Blug, because he did not please me. So I want another General to command this army. Who is next in command?"
"I am," replied Colonel Crinkle, a dapper-looking Nome, as he stepped forward to salute9 his monarch10.
The King looked at him carefully and said:
"I want you to march this army through an underground tunnel, which I am going to bore, to the Emerald City of Oz. When you get there I want you to conquer the Oz people, destroy them and their city, and bring all their gold and silver and precious stones back to my cavern. Also you are to recapture my Magic Belt and return it to me. Will you do this, General Crinkle?"
"Oh indeed!" exclaimed the King. Then he turned to his servants and said: "Please take General Crinkle to the torture chamber12. There you will kindly13 slice him into thin slices. Afterward14 you may feed him to the seven-headed dogs."
"Anything to oblige your Majesty," replied the servants, politely, and led the condemned15 man away.
When they had gone, the King addressed the army again.
"Listen!" said he. "The General who is to command my armies must promise to carry out my orders. If he fails he will share the fate of poor Crinkle. Now, then, who will volunteer to lead my hosts to the Emerald City?"
For a time no one moved and all were silent. Then an old Nome with white whiskers so long that they were tied around his waist to prevent their tripping him up, stepped out of the ranks and saluted16 the King.
"I'd like to ask a few questions, your Majesty," he said.
"Go ahead," replied the King.
"These Oz people are quite good, are they not?"
"As good as apple pie," said the King.
"And they are happy, I suppose?" continued the old Nome.
"Happy as the day is long," said the King.
"Very much so," said the King.
"Well, your Majesty," remarked he of the white whiskers, "I think I should like to undertake the job, so I'll be your General. I hate good people; I detest18 happy people; I'm opposed to any one who is contented and prosperous. That is why I am so fond of your Majesty. Make me your General and I'll promise to conquer and destroy the Oz people. If I fail I'm ready to be sliced thin and fed to the seven-headed dogs."
"Very good! Very good, indeed! That's the way to talk!" cried Roquat the Red, who was greatly pleased. "What is your name, General?"
"I'm called Guph, your Majesty."
"Well, Guph, come with me to my private cave, and we'll talk it over." Then he turned to the army. "Nomes and soldiers," said he, "you are to obey the commands of General Guph until he becomes dog-feed. Any man who fails to obey his new General will be promptly19 thrown away. You are now dismissed."
Guph went to the King's private cave and sat down upon an amethyst20 chair and put his feet on the arm of the King's ruby21 throne. Then he lighted his pipe and threw the live coal he had taken from his pocket upon the King's left foot and puffed22 the smoke into the King's eyes and made himself comfortable. For he was a wise old Nome, and he knew that the best way to get along with Roquat the Red was to show that he was not afraid of him.
"I'm ready for the talk, your Majesty," he said.
The King coughed and looked at his new General fiercely.
"Do you not tremble to take such liberties with your monarch?" he asked.
"Oh no," replied Guph, calmly, and he blew a wreath of smoke that curled around the King's nose and made him sneeze. "You want to conquer the Emerald City, and I'm the only Nome in all your dominions23 who can conquer it. So you will be very careful not to hurt me until I have carried out your wishes. After that--"
"Well, what then?" inquired the King.
"Then you will be so grateful to me that you won't care to hurt me," replied the General.
"That is a very good argument," said Roquat. "But suppose you fail?"
"Then it's the slicing machine. I agree to that," announced Guph. "But if you do as I tell you there will be no failure. The trouble with you, Roquat, is that you don't think carefully enough. I do. You would go ahead and march through your tunnel into Oz, and get defeated and driven back. I won't. And the reason I won't is because when I march I'll have all my plans made, and a host of allies to assist my Nomes."
"What do you mean by that?" asked the King.
"I'll explain, King Roquat. You're going to attack a fairy country, and a mighty24 fairy country, too. They haven't much of an army in Oz, but the Princess who ruled them has a fairy wand; and the little girl Dorothy has your Magic Belt; and at the North of the Emerald City lives a clever sorceress called Glinda the Good, who commands the spirits of the air. Also I have heard that there is a wonderful Wizard in Ozma's palace, who is so skillful that people used to pay him money in America to see him perform. So you see it will be no easy thing to overcome all this magic."
"We have fifty thousand soldiers!" cried the King proudly.
"Yes; but they are Nomes," remarked Guph, taking a silk handkerchief from the King's pocket and wiping his own pointed25 shoes with it. "Nomes are immortals26, but they are not strong on magic. When you lost your famous Belt the greater part of your own power was gone from you. Against Ozma you and your Nomes would have no show at all."
Roquat's eyes flashed angrily.
"Then away you go to the slicing machine!" he cried.
"What do you propose to do?" asked the monarch.
"I propose to obtain the power we need," answered Guph. "There are a good many evil creatures who have magic powers sufficient to destroy and conquer the Land of Oz. We will get them on our side, band them all together, and then take Ozma and her people by surprise. It's all very simple and easy when you know how. Alone, we should be helpless to injure the Ruler of Oz, but with the aid of the evil powers we can summon we shall easily succeed."
King Roquat was delighted with this idea, for he realized how clever it was.
"Surely, Guph, you are the greatest General I have ever had!" he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling with joy. "You must go at once and make arrangements with the evil powers to assist us, and meantime I'll begin to dig the tunnel."
"I thought you'd agree with me, Roquat," replied the new General. "I'll start this very afternoon to visit the Chief of the Whimsies28."
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1
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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steward
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| n.乘务员，服务员；看管人；膳食管理员 | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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sapphire
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| n.青玉，蓝宝石；adj.天蓝色的 | |
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dodge
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| v.闪开，躲开，避开；n.妙计，诡计 | |
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cavern
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| n.洞穴，大山洞 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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8
shovel
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| n.铁锨，铲子，一铲之量；v.铲，铲出 | |
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9
salute
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| vi.行礼，致意，问候，放礼炮；vt.向…致意，迎接，赞扬；n.招呼，敬礼，礼炮 | |
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monarch
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| n.帝王，君主，最高统治者 | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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12
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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15
condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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saluted
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| v.欢迎，致敬( salute的过去式和过去分词 )；赞扬，赞颂 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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detest
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| vt.痛恨，憎恶 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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amethyst
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| n.紫水晶 | |
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ruby
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| n.红宝石，红宝石色 | |
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puffed
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| adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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23
dominions
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| 统治权( dominion的名词复数 )； 领土； 疆土； 版图 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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immortals
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| 不朽的人物( immortal的名词复数 )； 永生不朽者 | |
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pouch
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| n.小袋，小包，囊状袋；vt.装...入袋中，用袋运输；vi.用袋送信件 | |
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28
whimsies
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| n.怪念头( whimsy的名词复数 )；异想天开；怪脾气；与众不同的幽默感 | |
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