Book 6 Chapter 10

HE KEPT UP his diary and this was what he was writing in it at that time:

“November 24.—I got up at eight o'clock, read the Scriptures, then went to my duties” (Pierre by the advice of Osip Alexyevitch was serving on one of the government committees), “came back to dinner, dined alone (the countess had a lot of guests whom I did not care for), ate and drank with moderation, and after dinner copied out passages for the brothers. In the evening I went down to the countess, and told a ridiculous story about B., and only bethought myself that I ought not to have done so, when every one was laughing loudly at it.

“I went to bed with a calm and happy spirit. Great Lord, help me to walk in Thy paths: (1) to flee anger by gentleness and deliberation; (2) to flee lust by self-restraint and loathing; (3) to escape from the turmoil of the world without cutting myself off from (a) the duties of my political work, (b) the cares of my household, (c) relations with my friends, and (d) the management of my finances.”

“November 27.—I got up late and lay a long while in bed after I was awake, giving way to sloth. My God, help me and strengthen me that I may walk in Thy ways. Read the Scriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came: talked of the cares of this world. He told me of the Tsar's new projects. I was beginning to criticise them, but remembered my principles and the words of my benefactor, that a true mason ought to be zealous in working for the state, when his aid is required, but should look on quietly at what he is not called upon to assist in. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G.V. and O. visited me; there was a conversation preliminary to the reception of a new brother. They lay upon me the duty of rhetor. I feel weak and unworthy. Then there was talk of the interpretation of the seven pillars and steps of the Temple, of the seven sciences, the seven virtues, the seven vices, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the reception took place. The new decoration of the building added a good deal to the magnificence of the spectacle. Boris Drubetskoy was admitted. I had proposed him, and I was the rhetor. A strange feeling troubled me all the time I was with him in the dark temple. I detected in myself a feeling of hatred, which I studiously strove to overcome. And I could sincerely have desired to save him from evil and to lead him into the way of truth, but evil thoughts of him never left me. The thought came to me that his object in entering the brotherhood was simply to gain the intimacy and favour of men in our lodge. Apart from the fact that he several times asked me whether N. or S. were not members of our lodge (a question I could not answer), he is incapable, so far as my observation goes, of feeling a reverence for our holy order, and is too much occupied, and too well satisfied with the outer man, to care much for the improvement of the spiritual man. I had no grounds for doubting of him, but he seemed to me insincere; and all the time I stood face to face with him in the dark temple I kept fancying he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I should have liked really to stab his bare chest with the sword I held pointed at it. I could not be eloquent, and could not sincerely communicate my doubts to the brothers and the Grand Master. O Great Architect of Nature, help me to find the true path that leads out of the labyrinth of falsehood!”

After this three pages of the diary were left blank, and then had been written:

“I had a long and instructive conversation with brother V., who advised me not to abandon brother A. Much was revealed to me, unworthy as I am. Adonai is the name of the creator of worlds. Elohim is the name of the ruler of all. The third name, the name unutterable, has the significance of the All. Talks with brother V. strengthen and refresh me and confirm me in the path of virtue. In his presence there is no room for doubt. I see clearly the distinction between the poor doctrine of mundane science and our sacred, all-embracing teaching. Human sciences dissect everything to understand it, and destroy everything to analyse it. In the sacred science of our order all is one, all is known for its combination and life. The trinity—the three elements of things—are sulphur, mercury, and salt. Sulphur is of an oily and fiery nature; in its combination with salt by its fiery quality it arouses a craving in it, by means of which it attracts mercury, fastens upon it, holds it, and in combination with it forms various substances. Mercury is the unsubstantial, floating, spiritual essence—Christ, the Holy Ghost, Him.”

“December 3.—I waked up late, read the Scripture, but was unmoved by it. Afterwards I went down and walked up and down the big hall. I tried to meditate; but instead of that my imagination brought before me an incident which occurred four years ago. Dolohov, meeting me after my duel in Moscow, said to me that he hoped I was now enjoying complete mental peace in spite of my wife's absence. At the time I made him no answer. Now I recalled all the details of that interview, and in my mind made him the most vindictive and biting retorts. I recovered myself and drove away that idea, only when I had caught myself in a passion of anger; but I did not repent of it sufficiently. Afterwards Boris Drubetskoy came and began describing various incidents. The moment he came in I felt amazed at his visit and said something horrid to him. He retorted. I got hot, and said a great deal to him that was disagreeable and even rude. He did not reply, and I checked myself only when it was too late. My God, I cannot get on with him at all. It is myself too that is to blame for it. I set myself above him, and so I become far inferior to him, for he is lenient to my rudeness, while I nourish a contempt for him. My God, grant me that in his presence I may see more clearly my own vileness and act so that it may be profitable to him too. After dinner I went to sleep, and just as I was falling asleep, I distinctly heard a voice saying in my left ear: ‘Thy day.'

“I dreamed I was walking along in the dark and was all of a sudden surrounded by dogs, but I went on undismayed; all at once one small dog seized me by the thigh with its teeth and would not let go. I tried to strangle it with my hands. And as soon as I tore it off, another, a bigger one, began to bite me. I lifted it up, and the more I lifted it up, the bigger and heavier it became. And suddenly brother A. came up, and taking me by the arm, led me away with him and brought me into a building, to enter which we had to pass over a narrow plank. I stepped on it, and the plank bent and gave way, and I began clambering on the fence, which I just managed to get hold of with my hands. After great efforts I dragged my body up, so that my legs were hanging over on one side and my body on the other. I looked round and saw brother A. standing on the fence and pointing out to me a great avenue and garden, and in the garden a great and beautiful building. I waked up. Lord, Great Architect of Nature, help me to tear away these dogs—my evil passions and especially the last—that unites in itself the violence of all the former ones, and aid me to enter that temple of virtue, of which I was vouchsafed a vision in my sleep.”

“December 7.—I dreamed that Osip Alexyevitch was sitting in my house, and I was very glad to see him and eager to entertain him. But in my dream I kept chattering away incessantly with other people, and all at once I bethought myself that this could not be to his liking and I wanted to come close to him and to embrace him. But as soon as I approached him, I saw that his face was transformed, and had grown young, and he said something to me softly, some doctrine of our order, but so softly that I could not catch it. Then we all seemed to go out of the room, and something strange happened. We were sitting or lying on the floor. He was telling me something. But in my dream I longed to show him my devotional feeling, and, not listening to his words, I began picturing to myself the state of my own inner man, and the grace of God sanctifying me. And tears came into my eyes, and I was glad that he noticed it. But he glanced at me with vexation, and jumped up, breaking off his conversation with me. I was abashed and asked him whether what he had been saying did not concern me. But he made no reply, but gave me a friendly look, and then all of a sudden we found ourselves in my bedroom, where stood a big double bed. He lay down on the edge of it, and I seemed to be filled with a desire to embrace him and to lie down too. And in my dream he asked me, ‘Tell me the truth, what is your chief temptation? Do you know it? I believe that you do know it.' Abashed at this question, I answered that sloth was my besetting temptation. He shook his head incredulously. And even more abashed, I told him that though I was living here with my wife, I was not living with her as a husband. To this he replied that I had no right to deprive my wife of my embraces, and gave me to understand that this was my duty. But I answered that I should be ashamed of it, and suddenly everything vanished. And I waked up, and in my mind there was the text of scripture: ‘And the life was the light of man, and the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.'

“The face of Osip Alexyevitch had been youthful and bright-looking. That day I received a letter from my benefactor, in which he wrote to me of my conjugal duties.

“December 9.—I had a dream from which I waked up with a throbbing heart. I dreamed I was in Moscow in my own house, in the big divan-room, and Osip Alexyevitch came out of the drawing-room. I dreamed that I knew at once that the process of regeneration had begun in him, and I rushed to meet him. I kissed his face and his hands, while he said: ‘Do you notice that my face is different?' I looked at him, still holding him in my arms, and I dreamed that I saw that his face was young, but he had no hair on his head and his features were quite different. And I dreamed that I said to him: ‘I should have recognised you if I had met you by chance'; and thought as I said it, ‘Am I telling the truth?' And all at once I saw him lying like a dead body; then he gradually came to himself again and went with me into the big study, holding a big folio book of manuscript. And I dreamed I said: ‘I wrote that.' And he answered me by an inclination of the head. I opened the book, and on all the pages were fine drawings. And in my dream I knew that these pictures depicted the soul's love adventures with its beloved. And I saw a beautiful presentment of a maiden in transparent garments and with a transparent body flying up to the clouds. And I seemed to know that this maiden was nothing else but the figure of the Song of Songs. And in my dream, as I looked at these pictures, I felt I was doing wrong and could not tear myself away from them. Lord, help me! My God, if Thy forsaking me is Thy doing, then Thy will be done; but if I am myself the cause, teach me what I am to do. I perish from my vileness as though Thou wast utterly forsaking me.”

他继续写他自己的日记，这就是他在这段时间内所写的日记：

“十一月二十四日。

八点钟起床，读圣书，然后去上班（皮埃尔遵从恩

主的忠告，到一个委员会去供职），午饭前回家，独自一人进午餐（伯爵夫人那里有许多我所厌恶的人），饮食有节制，午餐后替师兄师弟誊写圣书。夜晚到伯爵夫人那里去，叙述JI．的荒唐可笑的经历，当众人哈哈大笑时，我才想起我不应当这样做。

我满怀幸福和平静的心情就寝。伟大的主，你帮助

我走你的人生之路：（一）以宁静、从容之心克服愤怒；

（二）以节制和厌恶之心克服淫欲；（三）回避尘世的空虚，但是不应逃避：甲、国事；乙、家务；丙、友好关系；丁、经济事务。”

“十一月二十七日。

起来得很迟，睡醒之后，现出一副懒洋洋的样子，久久地躺在床上。我的天啊！帮助我吧，让我更坚定吧，使我能够走你的人生之路。我读着圣书，但缺乏应有的感情。师兄乌鲁索夫来了，我们谈论有关尘世的空虚。他叙述的是国王的新规划。我正要开始斥责，但是想到自己的行为准则和我们恩主讲的话：当国家需要真正的共济会员参与活动的时候，他应当是个热心的国事活动家，如果他没有这样的使命，他就应当是个头脑冷静的旁观者。我的舌头是我的敌人。T．B．和O．这几个师兄弟都来探望我了，为着接纳一个新师弟，事前举行了一次会商。他们要我承担教师的职务。我觉得自己缺乏能力，不配当教师。然后我们谈到圣殿的七柱和七级阶梯的说明，圣灵的七门科学，七大美德，七大罪恶和七大赏赐。

O．师兄能言善辩。晚上举行了接纳会员的仪式。这栋屋子的新颖的布局增添了许多壮丽的景色。鲍里斯·德鲁别茨科伊已被接纳为会员。我推荐他，由我来充当教师。

我和他在这间黑暗的神殿中停留时，有一种奇异的感觉使我忐忑不安。我自己心中忽然产生一种徒然力图克服的对他的仇恨。我诚心地想挽救他，使他摆脱邪恶，并且引导他走上真理之路，但是我无法抛弃我对他的不良的想法。我禁不住会想到，他加入共济会的目的只是想与人们接近，想受宠于我们分会的成员而已。他几次探听我们分会中是否有N．和S．（我不能回答他这个问题），除开这些根据而外，单凭我的观察，就知道他不善于尊重我们神圣的共济会，他过分注重外表，对外表感到满意，以致缺乏精神改善的意图，我没有理由对他表示怀疑，但是我仿佛觉得他不够诚实，当我和他单独地站在黑暗的神殿中时，我始终觉得，他对我所说的话报以轻蔑的微笑，我真想用我握在手中对准他的长剑刺伤他那袒露的胸膛。我没法说得头头是道，我也没法把我疑惑的心情如实地告诉师兄师弟的教头。大自然的建筑师，请你帮助我找到脱离虚伪的迷宫的真理之路。”

在此之后，日记中空出了三页，然后写了如下一段话：

“我和师兄B．两人单独地作了一次大有教益的长谈。他劝我和师兄A．继续保持联系。他的谈话使我这个不配做会员的人明白了很多事。阿多奈是创世主的名字。埃洛因是万物的主宰的名字。第三个名字是非言语所能表达的名字，它的含义是万物。我和师兄B．的谈话使我在获致高尚品德的道路上增强力量，振作精神，坚定自己的信念。在他面前没有什么值得猜疑的地方。我可以将社会科学的贫乏理论和我们神圣的无所不包的教理分辨得一清二楚。人类的科学为了理解而把一切加以划分，为了分析而使一切遭受扼杀。在共济会的神圣学理中，一切事物都是统一的，一切事物在它的总体和生活中加以认识。三位一体即是物质的三大要素：硫磺、水银和盐。琉璜含有橄榄油和火的特性，它与盐化合，凭藉火力能引起渴望，借助于这种渴望它能够吸引水银，粘住它，加以稳定，共同产生出单个的物体。水银是液体的、易于挥发的精神实体，即是基督、圣灵、他。”

“十二月三日。

醒来得很迟，读圣书，但缺乏感情，然后走出房间

来，在大厅里踱方步。想思索一下，但在脑海中浮现的竟是四年前的一件事。多洛霍夫先生和我决斗后在莫斯科和我会面了，他对我说，他抱有一个希望：目前在我身边尽管没有妻子，但他希望我充分地享受安乐。那时候我无话作答。而今我想到这次会面的详情细节，于是在心中对他说了极其恶毒的话，作出了讽刺性的回答。在我看见自己暴跳如雷的时候，我才清醒过来，抛弃了这个念头，但是这件事不足以使我后悔。嗣后鲍里斯·德鲁别茨科伊来访，他开始对我叙述了各种意外的事，他一进来我就对他这次来访感到很不满，并且对他讲了一些讨厌的话，他对我所说的话表示异议。我勃然大怒，对他说了许多刺耳的、甚至是粗鲁的话。他沉默不言，当我醒悟过来的时候，已经太晚了。我的天啊，我完全不会和他打交道。这是我的过分自尊所造成的。我将我自己凌驾于他之上，因此就变得比他恶劣得多，因为他对我的粗鲁行为百般地迁就，而我相反地，一向蔑视他。我的天啊，让我在他面前更多地看见我的龌龊行为，这样做，目的是要他从中获得裨益。午饭后我睡了一觉，当我快要睡熟的时候，我清晰地听见有人对着我的左耳说话的声音：‘你的一天。'

我梦见我在黑暗中前进，忽然间我被几只狗包围住

了，但是我毫无畏惧地走着，忽然间一只小狗咬住我的左大腿不放。我开始用两只手勒它的脖子。刚刚把它拖开了，另一只更大的狗开始咬我。我把它举起来，举得越高，它就变得越大越重。忽然师兄A．走来，挽起我的一只手，领着我向前走去，又把我领到一栋楼房前面，只有沿着一条狭窄的木板才能走进这栋楼房。我踩在木板上，木板向一边歪斜，倒塌了，我开始往那堵用两手勉强够得着的围墙爬上去。我花了很大的劲才挪动身子，爬越围墙，把两只脚悬在围墙的一边，把躯干悬在围墙的另一边。我环顾四周，看见师兄A．站在围墙上，向我指着那条宽大的林荫道和一座花园，花园里面有一幢雅致而高大的楼房。我睡醒了。天主啊，大自然的建筑师啊！帮助我挣脱这几只狗——我觉得可怕的狗，帮助我挣脱它们之中的那只把原先几只狗的力量聚集于一身的狗，帮助我步入我在梦中目睹的象征美德的神殿。”

“十二月七日。

我做了一个梦，仿佛梦见约瑟夫·阿列克谢耶维奇

坐在我家里，我非常高兴，很想款待他。我好像和几个闲人滔滔不绝地谈，我突然想到他不喜欢这一套，我想靠近他，并且拥抱他。但一向他靠近，我就望见，他的脸变样了，变得年轻了，他向我低声地说点什么引自共济会教义中的话，嗓音很低，我简直听不清楚。之后我们都好像从房里走出来了，这时候发生了一件古怪的事。

我们坐在地板上，或者躺在地板上。他对我说了几句什么话。可是我好像很想向他表示，我深受感动，我没有倾听他讲话，忽然想象到自己内心的状态以及上帝的恩典。我的泪水夺眶而出，他注意到了，我觉得满意。但他懊丧地瞟了我一眼，跳起来了，打断了谈话。我胆怯起来，问问他，那话儿是否是对我说的，但他一句话也不回答，向我显示着亲热的样子，紧接着，我们忽然不知不觉地走到我的那间放着一张双人床的卧室。他躺在床沿上，我好像充满着对他表示亲热的心情，在这儿躺下憩息一会儿。他好像问我：‘老实告诉我，您有什么主要的嗜好？您是否知道？我想，您体验到了。'这个问题使我感到困窘不安，我回答说懒惰是我的主要癖好。他不信任地摇摇头。我愈加感到不安，回答他，说我虽然根据他的忠告和妻子同居，但我不是我妻子的丈夫。他对此表示异议，说不应该使妻子得不到爱抚，让我感觉到，这是我的责任所在。但我回答说，这使我感到羞怯，忽然这一切消逝了。我睡醒了，想到了圣书上的一段话：‘·生·命·就·是·人·的·光，·光·在·黑·暗·中·照·亮，·黑·暗·笼·罩·不·住·它。'

约瑟夫·阿列克谢耶维奇的面孔显得年轻而明朗。这天他接获恩主的来函，他在书函中写到有关夫妇的责任。”

“十二月九日。

做了一个梦，从梦中醒来我不寒而栗，心里突突跳，仿佛梦见我呆在莫斯科住宅中的一间宽大的休息室中，约瑟夫·阿列克谢耶维奇从客厅中走出来。我好像立刻知道，他已经结束了获得新生的过程，我向前跑去迎接他。我仿佛吻了他的手，他对我说：‘你是否发觉，我的面孔已经变成了另一个样子？'我向他的面孔看了一眼，继续把他抱在自己怀里，我仿佛看见，他的面孔显得年轻，可是他头上没有头发了，而且面容完全不同了。我仿佛对他说：‘如果我虽然和您会面，我准会把您认出来。'与此同时我又想：‘我是否说了实话？'我突然看见他像死尸似的躺着，后来逐渐地恢复了知觉，他手中拿着用高级图画纸手写的一本大书，跟我一同走进大书斋。我仿佛对他说：‘这是我所素描的。'他垂下头来回答。我打开书本，在这本书里页页都素描得非常美观。我仿佛知道，这些图画的内容就是灵魂和它的情人恋爱的奇异经历。在这本书上我仿佛望见那个穿着透明的衣裳、身体也显得透明的、飞向云霄的美丽诱人的少女的画像。我仿佛知道，这个少女无非是《雅歌》的形象。我看着这些图画，我仿佛觉得我的行为恶劣，但我却不能把目光从这些图画上移开。主啊，请你帮助我吧！我的天，如果你把我抛弃，这是你所采取的行动，那就听你的便吧，如果我自己招致不幸，那么就请你指教，我该怎么办。如果你把我完全抛弃，那么我就要因为贪淫好色而毁灭。”