Book 15 Chapter 16

“SHE has come to stay with me,” said Princess Marya. “The count and the countess will be here in a few days. The countess is in a terrible state. But Natasha herself had to see the doctors. They made her come away with me.”

“Yes. Is there a family without its own sorrow?” said Pierre, turning to Natasha. “You know it happened the very day we were rescued. I saw him. What a splendid boy he was!”

Natasha looked at him, and, in answer to his words, her eyes only opened wider and grew brighter.

“What can one say, or think, to give comfort?” said Pierre. “Nothing. Why had he to die, such a noble boy, so full of life?”

“Yes; in these days it would be hard to live without faith …” said Princess Marya.

“Yes, yes. That is true, indeed,” Pierre put in hurriedly.

“How so?” Natasha asked, looking intently into Pierre's eyes.

“How so?” said Princess Marya. “Why, only the thought of what awaits …”

Natasha, not heeding Princess Marya's words, looked again inquiringly at Pierre.

“And because,” Pierre went on, “only one who believes that there is a God guiding our lives can bear such a loss as hers, and … yours,” said Pierre.

Natasha opened her mouth, as though she would say something, but she suddenly stopped.

Pierre made haste to turn away from her, and to address Princess Marya again with a question about the last days of his friend's life. Pierre's embarrassment had by now almost disappeared, but at the same time he felt that all his former freedom had vanished too. He felt that there was now a judge criticising every word, every action of his; a judge whose verdict was of greater consequence to him than the verdict of all the people in the world. As he talked now he was considering the impression his words were making on Natasha as he uttered them. He did not intentionally say what might please her; but whatever he said, he looked at himself from her point of view.

With the unwillingness usual in such cases, Princess Marya began telling Pierre of the position in which she had found her brother. But Pierre's questions, his eagerly restless glance, his face quivering with emotion, gradually induced her to go into details which she shrank, for her own sake, from recalling to her imagination.

“Yes, yes, …” said Pierre, bending forward over Princess Marya, and eagerly drinking in her words. “Yes, yes. So he found peace? He was softened? He was always striving with his whole soul for one thing only: to be entirely good, so that he could not dread death. The defects that were in him—if he had any—did not come from himself. So he was softened?” he said.

“What a happy thing that he saw you again,” he said to Natasha, turning suddenly to her, and looking at her with eyes full of tears.

Natasha's face quivered. She frowned, and for an instant dropped her eyes. For a moment she hesitated whether to speak or not to speak.

“Yes, it was a great happiness,” she said in a low, deep voice; “for me it was certainly a great happiness.” She paused. “And he … he … he told me he was longing for it the very moment I went in to him …” Natasha's voice broke. She flushed, squeezed her hands against her knees and suddenly, with an evident effort to control herself, she lifted her head and began speaking rapidly:

“We knew nothing about it when we were leaving Moscow. I did not dare ask about him. And all at once Sonya told me he was with us. I could think of nothing, I had no conception in what state he was; all I wanted was to see him—to be with him,” she said, trembling and breathless. And not letting them interrupt her, she told all that she had never spoken of to any one before; all she had gone through in those three weeks of their journey and their stay in Yaroslavl.

Pierre heard her with parted lips and eyes full of tears fastened upon her. As he listened to her, he was not thinking of Prince Andrey, nor of death, nor of what she was saying. He heard her voice and only pitied her for the anguish she was feeling now in telling him.

The princess, frowning in the effort to restrain her tears, sat by Natasha's side and heard for the first time the story of those last days of her brother's and Natasha's love.

To speak of that agonising and joyous time was evidently necessary to Natasha.

She talked on, mingling up the most insignificant details with the most secret feelings of her heart, and it seemed as though she could never finish. Several times she said the same thing twice.

Dessalle's voice was heard at the door asking whether Nikolushka might come in to say good-night. “And that is all, all …” said Natasha. She got up quickly at the moment Nikolushka was coming in, and almost running to the door, knocked her head against it as it was hidden by the portière, and with a moan, half of pain, half of sorrow, she rushed out of the room.

Pierre gazed at the door by which she had gone out, and wondered why he felt suddenly alone in the wide world.

Princess Marya roused him from his abstraction, calling his attention to her nephew who had just come into the room.

The face of Nikolushka, so like his father, had such an effect on Pierre at this moment of emotional tension, that, after kissing the child, he got up himself, and taking out his handkerchief, walked away to the window. He would have taken leave, but Princess Marya would not let him go.

“No, Natasha and I often do not go to bed till past two, please stay a little longer. We will have supper. Go downstairs, we will come in a moment.”

Before Pierre went down, the princess said to him: “It is the first time she has talked of him like this.”

“她是来这里做客的，”玛利亚公爵小姐说，“伯爵和伯爵夫人近几天内就要到来，伯爵夫人的健康状况很不好。而娜塔莎本人也需要延医诊治，他们强迫她和我一起来的。”

“是啊，难道有哪一个家庭能免遭不幸的吗？”皮埃尔转过脸对着娜塔莎说。“您要知道，这件事就发生在我们得救的那一天，我看到他了，一个多么可爱的孩子！”

娜塔莎望着他，她把眼睛睁得更大更亮，以比作为她的回答。

“还能说出什么可以安慰的话和还能想出什么值得安慰的事呢？”皮埃尔说。“什么也没有。为什么非要让那么可爱、生命力那么旺盛的孩子死去呢？”

“是的，在我们这个时代，如果没有信仰的话，就很难活下去……”玛丽亚公爵小姐说。

“是的，是的。这是千真万确的真理。”皮埃尔赶忙接过去说。

“为什么？”娜塔莎聚精会神地盯着皮埃尔问道。

“怎么——为什么？”玛丽亚公爵小姐说。“只要想到那等着我们的……”

娜塔莎不等听完玛丽亚公爵小姐的话，又用试探的目光望了一眼皮埃尔。

“那是因为，”皮埃尔继续说道，“只要你相信有一个能主宰我们的上帝，才能忍受像她的……您的这样的损失。”皮埃尔说。

娜塔莎刚刚张嘴想说话，但是突然停住了口。皮埃尔赶忙掉转身子，又一次向玛丽亚公爵小姐询问起他的朋友在他的生命的最后的那一段时光的情况。皮埃尔的窘困和局促不安现在已几乎完全消失了；但与此同时他感觉到，他先前的完全自由的感觉也消失了。他感到，现在有一位法官监督着他的一言一行，而这位法官的裁决对于他来说，比世界上任何人的裁决都更加珍贵。他现在一说话，就立刻会考虑到他的话会给她造成什么印象。他并不说一些故意使她欢喜的话；

但是，他无论说什么话，他都要以她的观点来评判自己。

这种情形像以往那样，玛丽亚公爵小姐不太乐意地讲述她见到安得烈公爵时的情形。但是，对皮埃尔所提出的一些问题，他那异常不安的眼神和他那激动得发抖的面孔，渐渐地迫使她说起那些对她自己来说连想都不敢想的详情细节。

“是啊，是啊，是这样，是这样……”皮埃尔边说边向玛丽亚公爵小姐俯过身去，全神贯注地倾听她的讲述。“是啊，是啊，那么，他平静了吗？变得温和了吗？他就是这样全心全意地经常寻找一件东西：成为一个十全十美的人，一个不怕死的人。他身上存在的缺点，如果说他有缺点的话，那也不是出于他自身的原因，那么说，他变得温和了吗？”皮埃尔说。“他见到了您是多么幸福啊！”他突然转向娜塔莎，满含着眼泪望着她，对她说道。

娜塔莎的脸抽搐了一下。她皱起眉头，低垂了一下眼睑，一下子拿不定主见：是说呢，还是不说。

“是的，这是幸福的。”她用低沉的胸音说，“对我来说，这大概是幸福的，”她顿了一顿，“而他……他……他说，他正期待着这个呢，在我刚一进门见到他时，他这样说……“娜塔莎的声音突然中断了。她双手紧按在膝盖上，脸涨得通红，突然，她明显是在尽力克制住自己，她抬起头，急急忙忙地说道：

“我们从莫斯科出来时，什么也不知道。我不敢问及他的情况。索尼娅突然对我说，他要和我们一道走。我什么都没有想，我不能想象他当时所处的情况，我只想见到他，同他在一起，”她声音颤抖，喘着气说。接着，她不让别人打断她的话，她讲述了她从来没有向任何人说过的事情：讲述了她们在旅途中和在雅罗斯拉夫尔三个星期生活中的所有事情。

皮埃尔张着嘴听她讲话，他那满含眼泪的眼睛注视着她。他在听她讲述的时候，既没有想到安德烈公爵，也没有想到死亡，也没有想及她所讲述的事情。在听她讲述的时候，他只有对她在现时讲述这些情况时所表现出来的痛苦的同情。

公爵小姐由于强忍住盈眶的热泪而皱紧眉头，她靠近娜塔莎身旁坐着，第一次听到他哥哥在生命的最后时刻和娜塔莎的爱情故事。

这个既苦涩又甜蜜的故事，虽然对娜塔莎来说是她所需要的。

她在讲述这段往事时把一些最详细的情节和内心深处的秘密交织在一起，好像是永远都讲不完的故事。有许多次她把已经讲过的又重复一遍。

门外传来德萨尔的声音，他问，可不可以让尼古卢什卡进来道晚安。

“就这些了，就这些了……”娜塔莎说。在尼古卢什卡进来的时候，她迅速站起身，几乎是朝门口跑过去，她的头碰在挂有门帘的门上，不知道是由于疼痛还是由于悲哀，她呻吟着跑出房去。

皮埃尔望着她跑出去的那扇门，他弄不明白为什么突然间在这个世界上就只剩下他一个人了。

玛丽亚公爵小姐把他从恍惚的精神状态中唤醒，让他看一下进来的小侄子。

尼古卢什卡那张脸酷似他的父亲，皮埃尔的心肠变软了，深受感动，他吻了一下尼古卢什卡，就连忙站起身，掏出手帕，走向窗口。他想向玛丽亚公爵小姐告辞，但是她留住了他。

“不，我和娜塔莎有时到凌晨三点钟都还没睡呢；再坐一会，我叫准备晚餐。请下楼吧；我就来。”

在皮埃尔走出房间之前，公爵小姐对他说道：

“这是她第一次讲起他。”