All this time, I had gone on loving Dora, harder than ever. Her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress1, and made some amends2 to me, even for the loss of my friend. The more I pitied myself, or pitied others, the more I sought for consolation3 in the image of Dora. The greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble in the world, the brighter and the purer shone the star of Dora high above the world. I don't think I had any definite idea where Dora came from, or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings; but I am quite sure I should have scouted4 the notion of her being simply human, like any other young lady, with indignation and contempt.
If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely over head and ears in love with her, but I was saturated6 through and through. Enough love might have been wrung7 out of me, metaphorically8 speaking, to drown anybody in; and yet there would have remained enough within me, and all over me, to pervade9 my entire existence.
The first thing I did, on my own account, when I came back, was to take a night-walk to Norwood, and, like the subject of a venerable riddle10 of my childhood, to go 'round and round the house, without ever touching11 the house', thinking about Dora. I believe the theme of this incomprehensible conundrum12 was the moon. No matter what it was, I, the moon-struck slave of Dora, perambulated round and round the house and garden for two hours, looking through crevices13 in the palings, getting my chin by dint14 of violent exertion15 above the rusty16 nails on the top, blowing kisses at the lights in the windows, and romantically calling on the night, at intervals17, to shield my Dora - I don't exactly know what from, I suppose from fire. Perhaps from mice, to which she had a great objection.
My love was so much in my mind and it was so natural to me to confide19 in Peggotty, when I found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of industrial implements20, busily making the tour of my wardrobe, that I imparted to her, in a sufficiently21 roundabout way, my great secret. Peggotty was strongly interested, but I could not get her into my view of the case at all. She was audaciously prejudiced in my favour, and quite unable to understand why I should have any misgivings22, or be low-spirited about it. 'The young lady might think herself well off,' she observed, 'to have such a beau. And as to her Pa,' she said, 'what did the gentleman expect, for gracious sake!'
I observed, however, that Mr. Spenlow's proctorial gown and stiff cravat23 took Peggotty down a little, and inspired her with a greater reverence24 for the man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my eyes every day, and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect25 in Court among his papers, like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery26. And by the by, it used to be uncommonly27 strange to me to consider, I remember, as I sat in Court too, how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn't have cared for Dora, if they had known her; how they wouldn't have gone out of their senses with rapture28, if marriage with Dora had been proposed to them; how Dora might have sung, and played upon that glorified29 guitar, until she led me to the verge30 of madness, yet not have tempted31 one of those slow-goers an inch out of his road!
I despised them, to a man. Frozen-out old gardeners in the flower-beds of the heart, I took a personal offence against them all. The Bench was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer. The Bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it, than the bar of a public-house.
Taking the management of Peggotty's affairs into my own hands, with no little pride, I proved the will, and came to a settlement with the Legacy32 Duty-office, and took her to the Bank, and soon got everything into an orderly train. We varied33 the legal character of these proceedings34 by going to see some perspiring35 Wax-work, in Fleet Street (melted, I should hope, these twenty years); and by visiting Miss Linwood's Exhibition, which I remember as a Mausoleum of needlework, favourable36 to self-examination and repentance37; and by inspecting the Tower of London; and going to the top of St. Paul's. All these wonders afforded Peggotty as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy, under existing circumstances: except, I think, St. Paul's, which, from her long attachment38 to her work-box, became a rival of the picture on the lid, and was, in some particulars, vanquished39, she considered, by that work of art.
Peggotty's business, which was what we used to call 'common-form business' in the Commons (and very light and lucrative40 the common-form business was), being settled, I took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill. Mr. Spenlow had stepped out, old Tiffey said, to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage licence; but as I knew he would be back directly, our place lying close to the Surrogate's, and to the Vicar-General's office too, I told Peggotty to wait.
We were a little like undertakers, in the Commons, as regarded Probate transactions; generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up, when we had to deal with clients in mourning. In a similar feeling of delicacy41, we were always blithe42 and light-hearted with the licence clients. Therefore I hinted to Peggotty that she would find Mr. Spenlow much recovered from the shock of Mr. Barkis's decease; and indeed he came in like a bridegroom.
But neither Peggotty nor I had eyes for him, when we saw, in company with him, Mr. Murdstone. He was very little changed. His hair looked as thick, and was certainly as black, as ever; and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old.
'Ah, Copperfield?' said Mr. Spenlow. 'You know this gentleman, I believe?'
I made my gentleman a distant bow, and Peggotty barely recognized him. He was, at first, somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together; but quickly decided44 what to do, and came up to me.
'I hope,' he said, 'that you are doing well?'
'It can hardly be interesting to you,' said I. 'Yes, if you wish to know.'
We looked at each other, and he addressed himself to Peggotty.
'And you,' said he. 'I am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband.'
'It's not the first loss I have had in my life, Mr. Murdstone,' replied Peggotty, trembling from head to foot. 'I am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one, - nobody to answer for it.'
'Ha!' said he; 'that's a comfortable reflection. You have done your duty?'
'I have not worn anybody's life away,' said Peggotty, 'I am thankful to think! No, Mr. Murdstone, I have not worrited and frightened any sweet creetur to an early grave!'
He eyed her gloomily - remorsefully46 I thought - for an instant; and said, turning his head towards me, but looking at my feet instead of my face:
'We are not likely to encounter soon again; - a source of satisfaction to us both, no doubt, for such meetings as this can never be agreeable. I do not expect that you, who always rebelled against my just authority, exerted for your benefit and reformation, should owe me any good-will now. There is an antipathy47 between us -'
'An old one, I believe?' said I, interrupting him.
He smiled, and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes.
'It rankled48 in your baby breast,' he said. 'It embittered49 the life of your poor mother. You are right. I hope you may do better, yet; I hope you may correct yourself.'
Here he ended the dialogue, which had been carried on in a low voice, in a corner of the outer office, by passing into Mr. Spenlow's room, and saying aloud, in his smoothest manner:
'Gentlemen of Mr. Spenlow's profession are accustomed to family differences, and know how complicated and difficult they always are!' With that, he paid the money for his licence; and, receiving it neatly50 folded from Mr. Spenlow, together with a shake of the hand, and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady's, went out of the office.
I might have had more difficulty in constraining51 myself to be silent under his words, if I had had less difficulty in impressing upon Peggotty (who was only angry on my account, good creature!) that we were not in a place for recrimination, and that I besought52 her to hold her peace. She was so unusually roused, that I was glad to compound for an affectionate hug, elicited53 by this revival54 in her mind of our old injuries, and to make the best I could of it, before Mr. Spenlow and the clerks.
Mr. Spenlow did not appear to know what the connexion between Mr. Murdstone and myself was; which I was glad of, for I could not bear to acknowledge him, even in my own breast, remembering what I did of the history of my poor mother. Mr. Spenlow seemed to think, if he thought anything about the matter, that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family, and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else - so I gathered at least from what he said, while we were waiting for Mr. Tiffey to make out Peggotty's bill of costs.
'Miss Trotwood,' he remarked, 'is very firm, no doubt, and not likely to give way to opposition55. I have an admiration56 for her character, and I may congratulate you, Copperfield, on being on the right side. Differences between relations are much to be deplored57 - but they are extremely general - and the great thing is, to be on the right side': meaning, I take it, on the side of the moneyed interest.
'Rather a good marriage this, I believe?' said Mr. Spenlow.
I explained that I knew nothing about it.
'Indeed!' he said. 'Speaking from the few words Mr. Murdstone dropped - as a man frequently does on these occasions - and from what Miss Murdstone let fall, I should say it was rather a good marriage.'
'Do you mean that there is money, sir?' I asked.
'Yes,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I understand there's money. Beauty too, I am told.'
'Indeed! Is his new wife young?'
'Just of age,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'So lately, that I should think they had been waiting for that.'
'Lord deliver her!' said Peggotty. So very emphatically and unexpectedly, that we were all three discomposed; until Tiffey came in with the bill.
Old Tiffey soon appeared, however, and handed it to Mr. Spenlow, to look over. Mr. Spenlow, settling his chin in his cravat and rubbing it softly, went over the items with a deprecatory air - as if it were all Jorkins's doing - and handed it back to Tiffey with a bland58 sigh.
'Yes,' he said. 'That's right. Quite right. I should have been extremely happy, Copperfield, to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure59 out of pocket, but it is an irksome incident in my professional life, that I am not at liberty to consult my own wishes. I have a partner - Mr. Jorkins.'
As he said this with a gentle melancholy60, which was the next thing to making no charge at all, I expressed my acknowledgements on Peggotty's behalf, and paid Tiffey in banknotes. Peggotty then retired61 to her lodging62, and Mr. Spenlow and I went into Court, where we had a divorce-suit coming on, under an ingenious little statute63 (repealed now, I believe, but in virtue64 of which I have seen several marriages annulled), of which the merits were these. The husband, whose name was Thomas Benjamin, had taken out his marriage licence as Thomas only; suppressing the Benjamin, in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected. NOT finding himself as comfortable as he expected, or being a little fatigued65 with his wife, poor fellow, he now came forward, by a friend, after being married a year or two, and declared that his name was Thomas Benjamin, and therefore he was not married at all. Which the Court confirmed, to his great satisfaction.
I must say that I had my doubts about the strict justice of this, and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which reconciles all anomalies. But Mr. Spenlow argued the matter with me. He said, Look at the world, there was good and evil in that; look at the ecclesiastical law, there was good and evil in THAT. It was all part of a system. Very good. There you were!
I had not the hardihood to suggest to Dora's father that possibly we might even improve the world a little, if we got up early in the morning, and took off our coats to the work; but I confessed that I thought we might improve the Commons. Mr. Spenlow replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind, as not being worthy66 of my gentlemanly character; but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement I thought the Commons susceptible67?
Taking that part of the Commons which happened to be nearest to us - for our man was unmarried by this time, and we were out of Court, and strolling past the Prerogative68 Office - I submitted that I thought the Prerogative Office rather a queerly managed institution. Mr. Spenlow inquired in what respect? I replied, with all due deference69 to his experience (but with more deference, I am afraid, to his being Dora's father), that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the Registry of that Court, containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of Canterbury, for three whole centuries, should be an accidental building, never designed for the purpose, leased by the registrars71 for their Own private emolument72, unsafe, not even ascertained73 to be fire-proof, choked with the important documents it held, and positively74, from the roof to the basement, a mercenary speculation75 of the registrars, who took great fees from the public, and crammed76 the public's wills away anyhow and anywhere, having no other object than to get rid of them cheaply. That, perhaps, it was a little unreasonable77 that these registrars in the receipt of profits amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year (to say nothing of the profits of the deputy registrars, and clerks of seats), should not be obliged to spend a little of that money, in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them, whether they would or no. That, perhaps, it was a little unjust, that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent sinecures78, while the unfortunate working-clerks in the cold dark room upstairs were the worst rewarded, and the least considered men, doing important services, in London. That perhaps it was a little indecent that the principal registrar70 of all, whose duty it was to find the public, constantly resorting to this place, all needful accommodation, should be an enormous sinecurist79 in virtue of that post (and might be, besides, a clergyman, a pluralist, the holder80 of a staff in a cathedral, and what not), - while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen81 every afternoon when the office was busy, and which we knew to be quite monstrous82. That, perhaps, in short, this Prerogative Office of the diocese of Canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job, and such a pernicious absurdity83, that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of St. Paul's Churchyard, which few people knew, it must have been turned completely inside out, and upside down, long ago.
Mr. Spenlow smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject, and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other. He said, what was it after all? It was a question of feeling. If the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping, and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better, who was the worse for it? Nobody. Who was the better for it? All the Sinecurists. Very well. Then the good predominated. It might not be a perfect system; nothing was perfect; but what he objected to, was, the insertion of the wedge. Under the Prerogative Office, the country had been glorious. Insert the wedge into the Prerogative Office, and the country would cease to be glorious. He considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them; and he had no doubt the Prerogative Office would last our time. I deferred84 to his opinion, though I had great doubts of it myself. I find he was right, however; for it has not only lasted to the present moment, but has done so in the teeth of a great parliamentary report made (not too willingly) eighteen years ago, when all these objections of mine were set forth85 in detail, and when the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the accumulation of only two years and a half more. What they have done with them since; whether they have lost many, or whether they sell any, now and then, to the butter shops; I don't know. I am glad mine is not there, and I hope it may not go there, yet awhile.
I have set all this down, in my present blissful chapter, because here it comes into its natural place. Mr. Spenlow and I falling into this conversation, prolonged it and our saunter to and fro, until we diverged86 into general topics. And so it came about, in the end, that Mr. Spenlow told me this day week was Dora's birthday, and he would be glad if I would come down and join a little picnic on the occasion. I went out of my senses immediately; became a mere5 driveller next day, on receipt of a little lace-edged sheet of note-paper, 'Favoured by papa. To remind'; and passed the intervening period in a state of dotage87.
I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event. I turn hot when I remember the cravat I bought. My boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture. I provided, and sent down by the Norwood coach the night before, a delicate little hamper88, amounting in itself, I thought, almost to a declaration. There were crackers89 in it with the tenderest mottoes that could be got for money. At six in the morning, I was in Covent Garden Market, buying a bouquet90 for Dora. At ten I was on horseback (I hired a gallant91 grey, for the occasion), with the bouquet in my hat, to keep it fresh, trotting92 down to Norwood.
I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to see her, and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it, I committed two small fooleries which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed - because they came so very natural to me. But oh! when I DID find the house, and DID dismount at the garden-gate, and drag those stony-hearted boots across the lawn to Dora sitting on a garden-seat under a lilac tree, what a spectacle she was, upon that beautiful morning, among the butterflies, in a white chip bonnet93 and a dress of celestial94 blue! There was a young lady with her - comparatively stricken in years - almost twenty, I should say. Her name was Miss Mills. and Dora called her Julia. She was the bosom95 friend of Dora. Happy Miss Mills!
Jip was there, and Jip WOULD bark at me again. When I presented my bouquet, he gnashed his teeth with jealousy96. Well he might. If he had the least idea how I adored his mistress, well he might!
'Oh, thank you, Mr. Copperfield! What dear flowers!' said Dora.
I had had an intention of saying (and had been studying the best form of words for three miles) that I thought them beautiful before I saw them so near HER. But I couldn't manage it. She was too bewildering. To see her lay the flowers against her little dimpled chin, was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble ecstasy97. I wonder I didn't say, 'Kill me, if you have a heart, Miss Mills. Let me die here!'
Then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell. Then Jip growled98, and wouldn't smell them. Then Dora laughed, and held them a little closer to Jip, to make him. Then Jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his teeth, and worried imaginary cats in it. Then Dora beat him, and pouted99, and said, 'My poor beautiful flowers!' as compassionately100, I thought, as if Jip had laid hold of me. I wished he had!
'You'll be so glad to hear, Mr. Copperfield,' said Dora, 'that that cross Miss Murdstone is not here. She has gone to her brother's marriage, and will be away at least three weeks. Isn't that delightful101?'
I said I was sure it must be delightful to her, and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me. Miss Mills, with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence102, smiled upon us.
'She is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw,' said Dora. 'You can't believe how ill-tempered and shocking she is, Julia.'
'Yes, I can, my dear!' said Julia.
'YOU can, perhaps, love,' returned Dora, with her hand on julia's. 'Forgive my not excepting you, my dear, at first.'
I learnt, from this, that Miss Mills had had her trials in the course of a chequered existence; and that to these, perhaps, I might refer that wise benignity103 of manner which I had already noticed. i found, in the course of the day, that this was the case: Miss Mills having been unhappy in a misplaced affection, and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience, but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted hopes and loves of youth.
But now Mr. Spenlow came out of the house, and Dora went to him, saying, 'Look, papa, what beautiful flowers!' And Miss Mills smiled thoughtfully, as who should say, 'Ye Mayflies, enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life!' And we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage, which was getting ready.
I shall never have such a ride again. I have never had such another. There were only those three, their hamper, my hamper, and the guitar-case, in the phaeton; and, of course, the phaeton was open; and I rode behind it, and Dora sat with her back to the horses, looking towards me. She kept the bouquet close to her on the cushion, and wouldn't allow Jip to sit on that side of her at all, for fear he should crush it. She often carried it in her hand, often refreshed herself with its fragrance105. Our eyes at those times often met; and my great astonishment106 is that I didn't go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage.
There was dust, I believe. There was a good deal of dust, I believe. I have a faint impression that Mr. Spenlow remonstrated107 with me for riding in it; but I knew of none. I was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about Dora, but of nothing else. He stood up sometimes, and asked me what I thought of the prospect108. I said it was delightful, and I dare say it was; but it was all Dora to me. The sun shone Dora, and the birds sang Dora. The south wind blew Dora, and the wild flowers in the hedges were all Doras, to a bud. My comfort is, Miss Mills understood me. Miss Mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly109.
I don't know how long we were going, and to this hour I know as little where we went. Perhaps it was near Guildford. Perhaps some Arabian-night magician, opened up the place for the day, and shut it up for ever when we came away. It was a green spot, on a hill, carpeted with soft turf. There were shady trees, and heather, and, as far as the eye could see, a rich landscape.
It was a trying thing to find people here, waiting for us; and my jealousy, even of the ladies, knew no bounds. But all of my own sex - especially one impostor, three or four years my elder, with a red whisker, on which he established an amount of presumption110 not to be endured - were my mortal foes111.
We all unpacked112 our baskets, and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready. Red Whisker pretended he could make a salad (which I don't believe), and obtruded113 himself on public notice. Some of the young ladies washed the lettuces114 for him, and sliced them under his directions. Dora was among these. I felt that fate had pitted me against this man, and one of us must fall.
Red Whisker made his salad (I wondered how they could eat it. Nothing should have induced ME to touch it!) and voted himself into the charge of the wine-cellar, which he constructed, being an ingenious beast, in the hollow trunk of a tree. By and by, I saw him, with the majority of a lobster115 on his plate, eating his dinner at the feet of Dora!
I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this baleful object presented itself to my view. I was very merry, I know; but it was hollow merriment. I attached myself to a young creature in pink, with little eyes, and flirted116 with her desperately117. She received my attentions with favour; but whether on my account solely118, or because she had any designs on Red Whisker, I can't say. Dora's health was drunk. When I drank it, I affected119 to interrupt my conversation for that purpose, and to resume it immediately afterwards. I caught Dora's eye as I bowed to her, and I thought it looked appealing. But it looked at me over the head of Red Whisker, and I was adamant120.
The young creature in pink had a mother in green; and I rather think the latter separated us from motives121 of policy. Howbeit, there was a general breaking up of the party, while the remnants of the dinner were being put away; and I strolled off by myself among the trees, in a raging and remorseful45 state. I was debating whether I should pretend that I was not well, and fly - I don't know where - upon my gallant grey, when Dora and Miss Mills met me.
'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'you are dull.'
I begged her pardon. Not at all.
'And Dora,' said Miss Mills, 'YOU are dull.'
Oh dear no! Not in the least.
'Mr. Copperfield and Dora,' said Miss Mills, with an almost venerable air. 'Enough of this. Do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to wither122 the blossoms of spring, which, once put forth and blighted104, cannot be renewed. I speak,' said Miss Mills, 'from experience of the past - the remote, irrevocable past. The gushing123 fountains which sparkle in the sun, must not be stopped in mere caprice; the oasis124 in the desert of Sahara must not be plucked up idly.'
I hardly knew what I did, I was burning all over to that extraordinary extent; but I took Dora's little hand and kissed it - and she let me! I kissed Miss Mills's hand; and we all seemed, to my thinking, to go straight up to the seventh heaven. We did not come down again. We stayed up there all the evening. At first we strayed to and fro among the trees: I with Dora's shy arm drawn125 through mine: and Heaven knows, folly126 as it all was, it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal127 with those foolish feelings, and have stayed among the trees for ever!
But, much too soon, we heard the others laughing and talking, and calling 'where's Dora?' So we went back, and they wanted Dora to sing. Red Whisker would have got the guitar-case out of the carriage, but Dora told him nobody knew where it was, but I. So Red Whisker was done for in a moment; and I got it, and I unlocked it, and I took the guitar out, and I sat by her, and I held her handkerchief and gloves, and I drank in every note of her dear voice, and she sang to ME who loved her, and all the others might applaud as much as they liked, but they had nothing to do with it!
I was intoxicated128 with joy. I was afraid it was too happy to be real, and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently, and hear Mrs. Crupp clinking the teacups in getting breakfast ready. But Dora sang, and others sang, and Miss Mills sang - about the slumbering129 echoes in the caverns130 of Memory; as if she were a hundred years old - and the evening came on; and we had tea, with the kettle boiling gipsy-fashion; and I was still as happy as ever.
I was happier than ever when the party broke up, and the other people, defeated Red Whisker and all, went their several ways, and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light, with sweet scents131 rising up around us. Mr. Spenlow being a little drowsy132 after the champagne133 - honour to the soil that grew the grape, to the grape that made the wine, to the sun that ripened134 it, and to the merchant who adulterated it! - and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage, I rode by the side and talked to Dora. She admired my horse and patted him - oh, what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse! - and her shawl would not keep right, and now and then I drew it round her with my arm; and I even fancied that Jip began to see how it was, and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me.
That sagacious Miss Mills, too; that amiable135, though quite used up, recluse136; that little patriarch of something less than twenty, who had done with the world, and mustn't on any account have the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory awakened138; what a kind thing she did!
'Mr. Copperfield,' said Miss Mills, 'come to this side of the carriage a moment - if you can spare a moment. I want to speak to you.'
Behold139 me, on my gallant grey, bending at the side of Miss Mills, with my hand upon the carriage door!
'Dora is coming to stay with me. She is coming home with me the day after tomorrow. If you would like to call, I am sure papa would be happy to see you.' What could I do but invoke140 a silent blessing141 on Miss Mills's head, and store Miss Mills's address in the securest corner of my memory! What could I do but tell Miss Mills, with grateful looks and fervent142 words, how much I appreciated her good offices, and what an inestimable value I set upon her friendship!
Then Miss Mills benignantly dismissed me, saying, 'Go back to Dora!' and I went; and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me, and we talked all the rest of the way; and I rode my gallant grey so close to the wheel that I grazed his near fore43 leg against it, and 'took the bark off', as his owner told me, 'to the tune143 of three pun' sivin' - which I paid, and thought extremely cheap for so much joy. What time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon, murmuring verses- and recalling, I suppose, the ancient days when she and earth had anything in common.
Norwood was many miles too near, and we reached it many hours too soon; but Mr. Spenlow came to himself a little short of it, and said, 'You must come in, Copperfield, and rest!' and I consenting, we had sandwiches and wine-and-water. In the light room, Dora blushing looked so lovely, that I could not tear myself away, but sat there staring, in a dream, until the snoring of Mr. Spenlow inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave. So we parted; I riding all the way to London with the farewell touch of Dora's hand still light on mine, recalling every incident and word ten thousand times; lying down in my own bed at last, as enraptured144 a young noodle as ever was carried out of his five wits by love.
When I awoke next morning, I was resolute145 to declare my passion to Dora, and know my fate. Happiness or misery146 was now the question. There was no other question that I knew of in the world, and only Dora could give the answer to it. I passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness, torturing myself by putting every conceivable variety of discouraging construction on all that ever had taken place between Dora and me. At last, arrayed for the purpose at a vast expense, I went to Miss Mills's, fraught147 with a declaration.
How many times I went up and down the street, and round the square - painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old riddle than the original one - before I could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock, is no matter now. Even when, at last, I had knocked, and was waiting at the door, I had some flurried thought of asking if that were Mr. Blackboy's (in imitation of poor Barkis), begging pardon, and retreating. But I kept my ground.
Mr. Mills was not at home. I did not expect he would be. Nobody wanted HIM. Miss Mills was at home. Miss Mills would do.
I was shown into a room upstairs, where Miss Mills and Dora were. Jip was there. Miss Mills was copying music (I recollect148, it was a new song, called 'Affection's Dirge149'), and Dora was painting flowers. What were my feelings, when I recognized my own flowers; the identical Covent Garden Market purchase! I cannot say that they were very like, or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation; but I knew from the paper round them which was accurately150 copied, what the composition was.
Miss Mills was very glad to see me, and very sorry her papa was not at home: though I thought we all bore that with fortitude151. Miss Mills was conversational152 for a few minutes, and then, laying down her pen upon 'Affection's Dirge', got up, and left the room.
I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow.
'I hope your poor horse was not tired, when he got home at night,' said Dora, lifting up her beautiful eyes. 'It was a long way for him.'
I began to think I would do it today.
'It was a long way for him,' said I, 'for he had nothing to uphold him on the journey.'
'Wasn't he fed, poor thing?' asked Dora.
I began to think I would put it off till tomorrow.
'Ye-yes,' I said, 'he was well taken care of. I mean he had not the unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you.'
Dora bent153 her head over her drawing and said, after a little while - I had sat, in the interval18, in a burning fever, and with my legs in a very rigid154 state -
'You didn't seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself, at one time of the day.'
I saw now that I was in for it, and it must be done on the spot.
'You didn't care for that happiness in the least,' said Dora, slightly raising her eyebrows155, and shaking her head, 'when you were sitting by Miss Kitt.'
Kitt, I should observe, was the name of the creature in pink, with the little eyes.
'Though certainly I don't know why you should,' said Dora, or why you should call it a happiness at all. But of course you don't mean what you say. And I am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like. Jip, you naughty boy, come here!'
I don't know how I did it. I did it in a moment. I intercepted156 Jip. I had Dora in my arms. I was full of eloquence157. I never stopped for a word. I told her how I loved her. I told her I should die without her. I told her that I idolized and worshipped her. Jip barked madly all the time.
When Dora hung her head and cried, and trembled, my eloquence increased so much the more. If she would like me to die for her, she had but to say the word, and I was ready. Life without Dora's love was not a thing to have on any terms. I couldn't bear it, and I wouldn't. I had loved her every minute, day and night, since I first saw her. I loved her at that minute to distraction158. I should always love her, every minute, to distraction. Lovers had loved before, and lovers would love again; but no lover had loved, might, could, would, or should ever love, as I loved Dora. The more I raved159, the more Jip barked. Each of us, in his own way, got more mad every moment.
Well, well! Dora and I were sitting on the sofa by and by, quiet enough, and Jip was lying in her lap, winking160 peacefully at me. It was off my mind. I was in a state of perfect rapture. Dora and I were engaged.
I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage. We must have had some, because Dora stipulated161 that we were never to be married without her papa's consent. But, in our youthful ecstasy, I don't think that we really looked before us or behind us; or had any aspiration162 beyond the ignorant present. We were to keep our secret from Mr. Spenlow; but I am sure the idea never entered my head, then, that there was anything dishonourable in that.
Miss Mills was more than usually pensive163 when Dora, going to find her, brought her back; - I apprehend164, because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken137 the slumbering echoes in the caverns of Memory. But she gave us her blessing, and the assurance of her lasting165 friendship, and spoke166 to us, generally, as became a Voice from the Cloister167.
What an idle time it was! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish time it was!
When I measured Dora's finger for a ring that was to be made of Forget-me-nots, and when the jeweller, to whom I took the measure, found me out, and laughed over his order-book, and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy, with its blue stones - so associated in my remembrance with Dora's hand, that yesterday, when I saw such another, by chance, on the finger of my own daughter, there was a momentary168 stirring in my heart, like pain!
When I walked about, exalted169 with my secret, and full of my own interest, and felt the dignity of loving Dora, and of being beloved, so much, that if I had walked the air, I could not have been more above the people not so situated170, who were creeping on the earth!
When we had those meetings in the garden of the square, and sat within the dingy171 summer-house, so happy, that I love the London sparrows to this hour, for nothing else, and see the plumage of the tropics in their smoky feathers! When we had our first great quarrel (within a week of our betrothal), and when Dora sent me back the ring, enclosed in a despairing cocked-hat note, wherein she used the terrible expression that 'our love had begun in folly, and ended in madness!' which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair, and cry that all was over!
When, under cover of the night, I flew to Miss Mills, whom I saw by stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle172, and implored173 Miss Mills to interpose between us and avert174 insanity175. When Miss Mills undertook the office and returned with Dora, exhorting176 us, from the pulpit of her own bitter youth, to mutual177 concession178, and the avoidance of the Desert of Sahara!
When we cried, and made it up, and were so blest again, that the back kitchen, mangle and all, changed to Love's own temple, where we arranged a plan of correspondence through Miss Mills, always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day!
What an idle time! What an insubstantial, happy, foolish time! Of all the times of mine that Time has in his grip, there is none that in one retrospect179 I can smile at half so much, and think of half so tenderly.
收听单词发音 |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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amends
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| n. 赔偿 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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scouted
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| 寻找，侦察( scout的过去式和过去分词 )； 物色（优秀运动员、演员、音乐家等） | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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saturated
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| a.饱和的，充满的 | |
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wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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metaphorically
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| adv. 用比喻地 | |
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pervade
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| v.弥漫，遍及，充满，渗透，漫延 | |
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riddle
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| n.谜，谜语，粗筛；vt.解谜，给…出谜，筛，检查，鉴定，非难，充满于；vi.出谜 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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conundrum
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| n.谜语；难题 | |
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crevices
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| n.（尤指岩石的）裂缝，缺口( crevice的名词复数 ) | |
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dint
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| n.由于，靠；凹坑 | |
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exertion
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| n.尽力，努力 | |
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rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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implements
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| n.工具( implement的名词复数 )；家具；手段；[法律]履行（契约等）v.实现( implement的第三人称单数 )；执行；贯彻；使生效 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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cravat
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| n.领巾，领结；v.使穿有领结的服装，使结领结 | |
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reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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stationery
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| n.文具；(配套的)信笺信封 | |
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uncommonly
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| adv. 稀罕(极，非常) | |
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rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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glorified
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| 美其名的，变荣耀的 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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legacy
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| n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
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varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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perspiring
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| v.出汗，流汗( perspire的现在分词 ) | |
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favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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39
vanquished
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| v.征服( vanquish的过去式和过去分词 )；战胜；克服；抑制 | |
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40
lucrative
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| adj.赚钱的，可获利的 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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42
blithe
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| adj.快乐的，无忧无虑的 | |
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43
fore
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| adv.在前面；adj.先前的；在前部的；n.前部 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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45
remorseful
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| adj.悔恨的 | |
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remorsefully
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| adv.极为懊悔地 | |
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47
antipathy
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| n.憎恶；反感，引起反感的人或事物 | |
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48
rankled
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| v.（使）痛苦不已，（使）怨恨不已( rankle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
embittered
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| v.使怨恨，激怒( embitter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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50
neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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51
constraining
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| 强迫( constrain的现在分词 )； 强使； 限制； 约束 | |
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52
besought
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| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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53
elicited
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| 引出，探出( elicit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54
revival
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| n.复兴，复苏，（精力、活力等的）重振 | |
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55
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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56
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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57
deplored
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| v.悲叹，痛惜，强烈反对( deplore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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58
bland
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| adj.淡而无味的，温和的，无刺激性的 | |
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59
expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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60
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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61
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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62
lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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63
statute
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| n.成文法，法令，法规；章程，规则，条例 | |
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64
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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65
fatigued
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| adj. 疲乏的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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67
susceptible
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| adj.过敏的，敏感的；易动感情的，易受感动的 | |
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68
prerogative
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| n.特权 | |
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69
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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70
registrar
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| n.记录员，登记员；(大学的)注册主任 | |
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registrars
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| n.主管注册者( registrar的名词复数 )；记录者；登记员；注册主任 | |
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72
emolument
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| n.报酬，薪水 | |
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73
ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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75
speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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76
crammed
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| adj.塞满的，挤满的；大口地吃；快速贪婪地吃v.把…塞满；填入；临时抱佛脚( cram的过去式) | |
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77
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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78
sinecures
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| n.工作清闲但报酬优厚的职位，挂名的好差事( sinecure的名词复数 ) | |
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79
sinecurist
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| n.担任闲职的人员 | |
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80
holder
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| n.持有者，占有者；(台，架等)支持物 | |
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81
specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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82
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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83
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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84
deferred
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| adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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85
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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diverged
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| 分开( diverge的过去式和过去分词 )； 偏离； 分歧； 分道扬镳 | |
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87
dotage
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| n.年老体衰；年老昏聩 | |
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88
hamper
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| vt.妨碍，束缚，限制；n.(有盖的)大篮子 | |
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89
crackers
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| adj.精神错乱的，癫狂的n.爆竹( cracker的名词复数 )；薄脆饼干；（认为）十分愉快的事；迷人的姑娘 | |
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bouquet
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| n.花束，酒香 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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92
trotting
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| 小跑，急走( trot的现在分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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bonnet
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| n.无边女帽；童帽 | |
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celestial
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| adj.天体的；天上的 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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98
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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pouted
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| v.撅（嘴）( pout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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100
compassionately
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| adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地 | |
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101
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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102
benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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103
benignity
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| n.仁慈 | |
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104
blighted
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| adj.枯萎的，摧毁的 | |
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105
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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106
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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107
remonstrated
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| v.抗议( remonstrate的过去式和过去分词 )；告诫 | |
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108
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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109
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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110
presumption
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| n.推测，可能性，冒昧，放肆，[法律]推定 | |
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111
foes
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| 敌人，仇敌( foe的名词复数 ) | |
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112
unpacked
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| v.从（包裹等）中取出（所装的东西），打开行李取出( unpack的过去式和过去分词 )；拆包；解除…的负担；吐露（心事等） | |
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113
obtruded
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| v.强行向前，强行，强迫( obtrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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114
lettuces
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| n.莴苣，生菜（ lettuce的名词复数 ）；生菜叶 | |
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115
lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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116
flirted
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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117
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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118
solely
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| adv.仅仅，唯一地 | |
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119
affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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120
adamant
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| adj.坚硬的，固执的 | |
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121
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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122
wither
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| vt.使凋谢，使衰退，(用眼神气势等)使畏缩；vi.枯萎，衰退，消亡 | |
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123
gushing
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| adj.迸出的；涌出的；喷出的；过分热情的v.喷，涌( gush的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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124
oasis
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| n.（沙漠中的）绿洲，宜人的地方 | |
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125
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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126
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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127
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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128
intoxicated
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| 喝醉的，极其兴奋的 | |
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129
slumbering
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的现在分词形式） | |
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130
caverns
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| 大山洞，大洞穴( cavern的名词复数 ) | |
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131
scents
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| n.香水( scent的名词复数 )；气味；（动物的）臭迹；（尤指狗的）嗅觉 | |
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132
drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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133
champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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134
ripened
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| v.成熟，使熟( ripen的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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135
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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136
recluse
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| n.隐居者 | |
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137
awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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138
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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139
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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140
invoke
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| v.求助于(神、法律)；恳求，乞求 | |
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141
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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142
fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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143
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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144
enraptured
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| v.使狂喜( enrapture的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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145
resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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146
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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147
fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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148
recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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149
dirge
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| n.哀乐，挽歌，庄重悲哀的乐曲 | |
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150
accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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151
fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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152
conversational
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| adj.对话的，会话的 | |
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153
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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154
rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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155
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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156
intercepted
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| 拦截( intercept的过去式和过去分词 )； 截住； 截击； 拦阻 | |
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157
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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158
distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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159
raved
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| v.胡言乱语( rave的过去式和过去分词 )；愤怒地说；咆哮；痴心地说 | |
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160
winking
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| n.瞬眼，目语v.使眼色( wink的现在分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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161
stipulated
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| vt.& vi.规定；约定adj.[法]合同规定的 | |
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162
aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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163
pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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164
apprehend
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| vt.理解，领悟，逮捕，拘捕，忧虑 | |
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165
lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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166
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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167
cloister
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| n.修道院；v.隐退，使与世隔绝 | |
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168
momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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169
exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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170
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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171
dingy
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| adj.昏暗的，肮脏的 | |
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172
mangle
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| vt.乱砍，撕裂，破坏，毁损，损坏，轧布 | |
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173
implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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174
avert
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| v.防止，避免；转移(目光、注意力等) | |
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175
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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176
exhorting
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| v.劝告，劝说( exhort的现在分词 ) | |
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177
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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178
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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179
retrospect
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| n.回顾，追溯；v.回顾，回想，追溯 | |
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