Darya Alexandrovna carried out her intention and went to see Anna. She was sorry to annoy her sister and to do anything Levin disliked. She quite understood how right the Levins were in not wishing to have anything to do with Vronsky. But she felt she must go and see Anna, and show her that her feelings could not be changed, in spite of the change in her position. That she might be independent of the Levins in this expedition, Darya Alexandrovna sent to the village to hire horses for the drive; but Levin learning of it went to her to protest.
"What makes you suppose that I dislike your going? But, even if I did dislike it, I should still more dislike your not taking my horses," he said. "You never told me that you were going for certain. Hiring horses in the village is disagreeable to me, and, what's of more importance, they'll undertake the job and never get you there. I have horses. And if you don't want to wound me, you'll take mine."
Darya Alexandrovna had to consent, and on the day fixed1 Levin had ready for his sister-in-law a set of four horses and relays, getting them together from the farm- and saddle-horses--not at all a smart-looking set, but capable of taking Darya Alexandrovna the whole distance in a single day. At that moment, when horses were wanted for the princess, who was going, and for the midwife, it was a difficult matter for Levin to make up the number, but the duties of hospitality would not let him allow Darya Alexandrovna to hire horses when staying in his house. Moreover, he was well aware that the twenty roubles that would be asked for the journey were a serious matter for her; Darya Alexandrovna's pecuniary2 affairs, which were in a very unsatisfactory state, were taken to heart by the Levins as if they were their own.
Darya Alexandrovna, by Levin's advice, started before daybreak. The road was good, the carriage comfortable, the horses trotted3 along merrily, and on the box, besides the coachman, sat the counting-house clerk, whom Levin was sending instead of a groom5 for greater security. Darya Alexandrovna dozed6 and waked up only on reaching the inn where the horses were to be changed.
After drinking tea at the same well-to-do peasant's with whom Levin had stayed on the way to Sviazhsky's, and chatting with the women about their children, and with the old man about Count Vronsky, whom the latter praised very highly, Darya Alexandrovna, at ten o'clock, went on again. At home, looking after her children, she had no time to think. So now, after this journey of four hours, all the thoughts she had suppressed before rushed swarming7 into her brain, and she thought over all her life as she never had before, and from the most different points of view. Her thoughts seemed strange even to herself. At first she thought about the children, about whom she was uneasy, although the princess and Kitty (she reckoned more upon her) had promised to look after them. "If only Masha does not begin her naughty tricks, if Grisha isn't kicked by a horse, and Lily's stomach isn't upset again!" she thought. But these questions of the present were succeeded by questions of the immediate8 future. She began thinking how she had to get a new flat in Moscow for the coming winter, to renew the drawing room furniture, and to make her elder girl a cloak. Then questions of the more remote future occurred to her: how she was to place her children in the world. 'The girls are all right," she thought; "but the boys?"
"It's very well that I'm teaching Grisha, but of course that's only because I am free myself now, I'm not with child. Stiva, of course, there's no counting on. And with the help of good-natured friends I can bring them up; but if there's another baby coming?..." And the thought struck her how untruly it was said that the curse laid on woman was that in sorrow she should bring forth9 children.
"The birth itself, that's nothing; but the months of carrying the child--that's what's so intolerable," she thought, picturing to herself her last pregnancy10, and the death of the last baby. And she recalled the conversation she had just had with the young woman at the inn. On being asked whether she had any children, the handsome young woman had answered cheerfully:
"I had a girl baby, but God set me free; I buried her last Lent."
"Well, did you grieve very much for her?" asked Darya Alexandrovna.
"Why grieve? The old man has grandchildren enough as it is. It was only a trouble. No working, nor nothing. Only a tie."
This answer had struck Darya Alexandrovna as revolting in spite of the good-natured and pleasing face of the young woman; but now she could not help recalling these words. In those cynical11 words there was indeed a grain of truth.
"Yes, altogether," thought Darya Alexandrovna, looking back over her whole existence during those fifteen years of her married life, "pregnancy, sickness, mental incapacity, indifference12 to everything, and most of all--hideousness. Kitty, young and pretty as she is, even Kitty has lost her looks; and I when I'm with child become hideous13, I know it. The birth, the agony, the hideous agonies, that last moment...then the nursing, the sleepless14 nights, the fearful pains...."
Darya Alexandrovna shuddered15 at the mere16 recollection of the pain from sore breasts which she had suffered with almost every child. "Then the children's illnesses, that everlasting17 apprehension18; then bringing them up; evil propensities19" (she thought of little Masha's crime among the raspberries), "education, Latin--it's all so incomprehensible and difficult. And on the top of it all, the death of these children." And there rose again before her imagination the cruel memory, that always tore her mother's heart, of the death of her last little baby, who had died of croup; his funeral, the callous20 indifference of all at the little pink coffin21, and her own torn heart, and her lonely anguish22 at the sight of the pale little brow with its projecting temples, and the open, wondering little mouth seen in the coffin at the moment when it was being covered with the little pink lid with a cross braided on it.
"And all this, what's it for? What is to come of it all? That I'm wasting my life, never having a moment's peace, either with child, or nursing a child, forever irritable23, peevish24, wretched myself and worrying others, repulsive25 to my husband, while the children are growing up unhappy, badly educated, and penniless. Even now, if it weren't for spending the summer at the Levins', I don't know how we should be managing to live. Of course Kostya and Kitty have so much tact26 that we don't feel it; but it can't go on. They'll have children, they won't be able to keep us; it's a drag on them as it is. How is papa, who has hardly anything left for himself, to help us? So that I can't even bring the children up by myself, and may find it hard with the help of other people, at the cost of humiliation27. Why, even if we suppose the greatest good luck, that the children don't die, and I bring them up somehow. At the very best they'll simply be decent people. That's all I can hope for. And to gain simply that--what agonies, what toil28!... One's whole life ruined!" Again she recalled what the young peasant woman had said, and again she was revolted at the thought; but she could not help admitting that there was a grain of brutal29 truth in the words.
"Is it far now, Mihail?" Darya Alexandrovna asked the counting house clerk, to turn her mind from thoughts that were frightening her.
"From this village, they say, it's five miles." The carriage drove along the village street and onto a bridge. On the bridge was a crowd of peasant women with coils of ties for the sheaves on their shoulders, gaily30 and noisily chattering31. They stood still on the bridge, staring inquisitively32 at the carriage. All the faces turned to Darya Alexandrovna looked to her healthy and happy, making her envious33 of their enjoyment34 of life. "They're all living, they're all enjoying life," Darya Alexandrovna still mused35 when she had passed the peasant women and was driving uphill again at a trot4, seated comfortably on the soft springs of the old carriage, "while I, let out, as it were from prison, from the world of worries that fret36 me to death, am only looking about me now for an instant. They all live; those peasant women and my sister Natalia and Varenka and Anna, whom I am going to see--all, but not I.
"And they attack Anna. What for? am I any better? I have, anyway, a husband I love--not as I should like to love him, still I do love him, while Anna never loved hers. How is she to blame? She wants to live. God has put that in our hearts. Very likely I should have done the same. Even to this day I don't feel sure I did right in listening to her at that terrible time when she came to me in Moscow. I ought then to have cast off my husband and have begun my life fresh. I might have loved and have been loved in reality. And is it any better as it is? I don't respect him. He's necessary to me," she thought about her husband, "and I put up with him. Is that any better? At that time I could still have been admired, I had beauty left me still," Darya Alexandrovna pursued her thoughts, and she would have liked to look at herself in the looking glass. She had a traveling looking glass in her handbag, and she wanted to take it out; but looking at the backs of the coachman and the swaying counting house clerk, she felt that she would be ashamed if either of them were to look round, and she did not take out the glass.
But without looking in the glass, she thought that even now it was not too late; and she thought of Sergey Ivanovitch, who was always particularly attentive37 to her, of Stiva's good-hearted friend, Turovtsin, who had helped her nurse her children through the scarlatina, and was in love with her. And there was someone else, a quite young man, who--her husband had told her it as a joke--thought her more beautiful than either of her sisters. And the most passionate38 and impossible romances rose before Darya Alexandrovna's imagination. "Anna did quite right, and certainly I shall never reproach her for it. She is happy, she makes another person happy, and she's not broken down as I am, but most likely just as she always was, bright, clever, open to every impression," thought Darya Alexandrovna,--and a sly smile curved her lips, for, as she pondered on Anna's love affair, Darya Alexandrovna constructed on parallel lines an almost identical love affair for herself, with an imaginary composite figure, the ideal man who was in love with her. She, like Anna, confessed the whole affair to her husband. And the amazement39 and perplexity of Stepan Arkadyevitch at this avowal40 made her smile.
In such daydreams41 she reached the turning of the highroad that led to Vozdvizhenskoe.
收听单词发音 |
1
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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3
trotted
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| 小跑，急走( trot的过去分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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dozed
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| v.打盹儿，打瞌睡( doze的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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swarming
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| 密集( swarm的现在分词 )； 云集； 成群地移动； 蜜蜂或其他飞行昆虫成群地飞来飞去 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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pregnancy
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| n.怀孕，怀孕期 | |
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cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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13
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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14
sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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propensities
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| n.倾向，习性( propensity的名词复数 ) | |
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callous
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| adj.无情的，冷淡的，硬结的，起老茧的 | |
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coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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irritable
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| adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的 | |
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peevish
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| adj.易怒的，坏脾气的 | |
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repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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tact
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| n.机敏，圆滑，得体 | |
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27
humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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31
chattering
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| n. （机器振动发出的）咔嗒声，(鸟等)鸣，啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的，啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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32
inquisitively
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| 过分好奇地； 好问地 | |
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envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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34
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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35
mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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36
fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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37
attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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38
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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39
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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40
avowal
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| n.公开宣称，坦白承认 | |
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41
daydreams
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| n.白日梦( daydream的名词复数 )v.想入非非，空想( daydream的第三人称单数 ) | |
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