Pat’s psychology4 was, oddly, that of the masters and for the most part he was unworried even though he was off salary. But there was one large fly in the ointment5 — for the first time in his life he began to feel a loss of identity. Due to reasons that he did not quite understand, though it might have been traced to his conversation, a number of people began to address him as ‘Orson’.
Now to lose one’s identity is a careless thing in any case. But to lose it to an enemy, or at least to one who has become scapegoat6 for our misfortunes — that is a hardship. Pat was not Orson. Any resemblance must be faint and far-fetched and he was aware of the fact. The final effect was to make him, in that regard, something of an eccentric.
‘Pat,’ said Joe the barber, ‘Orson was in here today and asked me to trim his beard.’
‘I hope you set fire to it,’ said Pat.
‘I did,’ Joe winked7 at waiting customers over a hot towel. ‘He asked for a singe8 so I took it all off. Now his face is as bald as yours. In fact you look a bit alike.’
This was the morning the kidding was so ubiquitous that, to avoid it, Pat lingered in Mario’s bar across the street. He was not drinking — at the bar, that is, for he was down to his last thirty cents, but he refreshed himself frequently from a half-pint in his back pocket. He needed the stimulus9 for he had to make a touch presently and he knew that money was easier to borrow when one didn’t have an air of urgent need.
His quarry10, Jeff Boldini, was in an unsympathetic state of mind. He too was an artist, albeit11 a successful one, and a certain great lady of the screen had just burned him up by criticizing a wig12 he had made for her. He told the story to Pat at length and the latter waited until it was all out before broaching13 his request.
‘No soap,’ said Jeff. ‘Hell, you never paid me back what you borrowed last month.’
‘But I got a job now,’ lied Pat. ‘This is just to tide me over. I start tomorrow.’
‘If they don’t give the job to Orson Welles,’ said Jeff humorously.
Pat’s eyes narrowed but he managed to utter a polite, borrower’s laugh.
‘Hold it,’ said Jeff. ‘You know I think you look like him?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Honest. Anyhow I could make you look like him. I could make you a beard that would be his double.’
‘I wouldn’t be his double for fifty grand.’
With his head on one side Jeff regarded Pat.
‘I could,’ he said. ‘Come on in to my chair and let me see.’
‘Like hell.’
‘Come on. I’d like to try it. You haven’t got anything to do. You don’t work till tomorrow.’
‘I don’t want a beard.’
‘It’ll come off.’
‘I don’t want it.’
‘It won’t cost you anything. In fact I’ll be paying you — I’ll loan you the ten smackers if you’ll let me make you a beard.’
Half an hour later Jeff looked at his completed work.
‘It’s perfect,’ he said. ‘Not only the beard but the eyes and everything.’
‘All right. Now take it off,’ said Pat moodily14.
‘What’s the hurry? That’s a fine muff. That’s a work of art. We ought to put a camera on it. Too bad you’re working tomorrow — they’re using a dozen beards out on Sam Jones’ set and one of them went to jail in a homo raid. I bet with that muff you could get the job.’
It was weeks since Pat had heard the word job and he could not himself say how he managed to exist and eat. Jeff saw the light in his eye.
‘What say? Let me drive you out there just for fun,’ pleaded Jeff. ‘I’d like to see if Sam could tell it was a phony muff.’
‘I’m a writer, not a ham.’
‘Come on! Nobody would never know you back of that. And you’d draw another ten bucks15.’
As they left the make-up department Jeff lingered behind a minute. On a strip of cardboard he crayoned the name Orson Welles in large block letters. And outside, without Pat’s notice, he stuck it in the windshield of his car.
He did not go directly to the back lot. Instead he drove not too swiftly up the main studio street. In front of the administration building he stopped on the pretext16 that the engine was missing, and almost in no time a small but definitely interested crowd began to gather. But Jeff’s plans did not include stopping anywhere long, so he hopped17 in and they started on a tour around the commissary.
‘Where are we going?’ demanded Pat.
He had already made one nervous attempt to tear the beard from him, but to his surprise it did not come away.
He complained of this to Jeff.
‘Sure,’ Jeff explained. ‘That’s made to last. You’ll have to soak it off.’
The car paused momentarily at the door of the commissary. Pat saw blank eyes staring at him and he stared back at them blankly from the rear seat.
‘You’d think I was the only beard on the lot,’ he said gloomily.
‘You can sympathize with Orson Welles.’
‘To hell with him.’
This colloquy18 would have puzzled those without, to whom he was nothing less than the real McCoy.
Jeff drove on slowly up the street. Ahead of them a little group of men were walking — one of them, turning, saw the car and drew the attention of the others to it. Whereupon the most elderly member of the party threw up his arms in what appeared to be a defensive19 gesture, and plunged20 to the sidewalk as the car went past.
‘My God, did you see that?’ exclaimed Jeff. ‘That was Mr Marcus.’
He came to a stop. An excited man ran up and put his head in the car window.
‘Mr Welles, our Mr Marcus has had a heart attack. Can we use your car to get him to the infirmary?’
Pat stared. Then very quickly he opened the door on the other side and dashed from the car. Not even the beard could impede21 his streamlined flight. The policeman at the gate, not recognizing the incarnation, tried to have words with him but Pat shook him off with the ease of a triple-threat back and never paused till he reached Mario’s bar.
Three extras with beards stood at the rail, and with relief Pat merged22 himself into their corporate23 whiskers. With a trembling hand he took the hard-earned ten dollar bill from his pocket.
‘Set ’em up,’ he cried hoarsely24. ‘Every muff has a drink on me.’
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1
apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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2
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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3
inadequacy
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| n.无法胜任，信心不足 | |
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4
psychology
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| n.心理，心理学，心理状态 | |
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5
ointment
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| n.药膏，油膏，软膏 | |
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6
scapegoat
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| n.替罪的羔羊，替人顶罪者；v.使…成为替罪羊 | |
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7
winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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8
singe
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| v.(轻微地)烧焦；烫焦；烤焦 | |
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9
stimulus
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| n.刺激，刺激物，促进因素，引起兴奋的事物 | |
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10
quarry
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| n.采石场；v.采石；费力地找 | |
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11
albeit
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| conj.即使；纵使；虽然 | |
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12
wig
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| n.假发 | |
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13
broaching
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| n.拉削；推削；铰孔；扩孔v.谈起( broach的现在分词 )；打开并开始用；用凿子扩大（或修光）；（在桶上）钻孔取液体 | |
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14
moodily
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| adv.喜怒无常地；情绪多变地；心情不稳地；易生气地 | |
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15
bucks
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| n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 )；钱；（英国十九世纪初的）花花公子；（用于某些表达方式）责任v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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16
pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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17
hopped
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| 跳上[下]( hop的过去式和过去分词 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花 | |
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18
colloquy
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| n.谈话，自由讨论 | |
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19
defensive
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| adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的 | |
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20
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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21
impede
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| v.妨碍，阻碍，阻止 | |
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22
merged
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| （使）混合( merge的过去式和过去分词 )； 相融； 融入； 渐渐消失在某物中 | |
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23
corporate
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| adj.共同的，全体的；公司的，企业的 | |
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hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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