Ye canes1 athwart the hapless hands that write,
Ye critic chiefs,-permit me to relate
The mystic wonders of your silent state!
VIRGIL, AEneid, book vi.
Fortune had smiled upon Mr. MacGrawler since he first undertook the tuition of Mrs. Lobkins’s protege. He now inhabited a second-floor, and defied the sheriff and his evil spirits. It was at the dusk of evening that Paul found him at home and alone.
Before the mighty2 man stood a pot of London porter; a candle, with an unregarded wick, shed its solitary3 light upon his labours; and an infant cat played sportively at his learned feet, beguiling4 the weary moments with the remnants of the spiral cap wherewith, instead of laurel, the critic had hitherto nightly adorned5 his brows.
So soon as MacGrawler, piercing through the gloomy mist which hung about the chamber6, perceived the person of the intruder, a frown settled upon his brow.
“Have I not told you, youngster,” he growled7, “never to enter a gentleman’s room without knocking? I tell you, sir, that manners are no less essential to human happiness than virtue8; wherefore, never disturb a gentleman in his avocations9, and sit yourself down without molesting10 the cat!”
Paul, who knew that his respected tutor disliked any one to trace the source of the wonderful spirit which he infused into his critical compositions, affected11 not to perceive the pewter Hippocrene, and with many apologies for his want of preparatory politeness, seated himself as directed. It was then that the following edifying13 conversation ensued.
“The ancients,” quoth Paul, “were very great men, Mr. MacGrawler.”
“They were so, sir,” returned the critic; “we make it a rule in our profession to assert that fact.”
“But, sir,” said Paul, “they were wrong now and then.”
“Never, Ignoramus; never!”
“They praised poverty, Mr. MacGrawler!” said Paul, with a sigh.
“Hem!” quoth the critic, a little staggered; but presently recovering his characteristic, acumen15, he observed, “It is true, Paul; but that was the poverty of other people.”
There was a slight pause. “Criticism,” renewed Paul, “must be a most difficult art.”
“A-hem! And what art is there, sir, that is not difficult — at least, to become master of?”
“True,” sighed Paul; “or else —”
“Or else what, boy?” repeated Mr. MacGrawler, seeing that Paul hesitated, either from fear of his superior knowledge, as the critic’s vanity suggested, or from (what was equally likely) want of a word to express his meaning.
“Why, I was thinking, sir,” said Paul, with that desperate courage which gives a distinct and loud intonation16 to the voice of all who set, or think they set, their fate upon a cast — “I was thinking that I should like to become a critic myself!”
“W-h-e-w!” whistled MacGrawler, elevating his eyebrows17; “w-h-e-w! great ends have come of less beginnings!”
Encouraging as this assertion was, coming as it did from the lips of so great a man and so great a critic, at the very moment too when nothing short of an anathema18 against arrogance19 and presumption20 was expected to issue from those portals of wisdom, yet such is the fallacy of all human hopes, that Paul’s of a surety would have been a little less elated, had he, at the same time his ears drank in the balm of these gracious words, been able to have dived into the source whence they emanated21.
“Know thyself!” was a precept22 the sage23 MacGrawler had endeavoured to obey; consequently the result of his obedience24 was that even by himself he was better known than trusted. Whatever he might appear to others, he had in reality no vain faith in the infallibility of his own talents and resources; as well might a butcher deem himself a perfect anatomist from the frequent amputation25 of legs of mutton, as the critic of “The Asinaeum” have laid “the flattering unction to his soul” that he was really skilled in the art of criticism, or even acquainted with one of its commonest rules, because he could with all speed cut up and disjoint any work, from the smallest to the greatest, from the most superficial to the most superior; and thus it was that he never had the want of candour to deceive himself as to his own talents. Paul’s wish therefore was no sooner expressed than a vague but golden scheme of future profit illumined the brain of MacGrawler — in a word, he resolved that Paul should henceforward share the labour of his critiques; and that he, MacGrawler, should receive the whole profits in return for the honour thereby26 conferred on his coadjutor.
Looking therefore at our hero with a benignant air, Mr. MacGrawler thus continued:—
“Yes, I repeat — great ends have come from less beginnings! Rome was not built in a day; and I, Paul, I myself was not always the editor of ‘The Asinaeum.’ You say wisely, criticism is a great science, a very great science; and it maybe divided into three branches — namely, ‘to tickle27, to slash28, and to plaster.’ In each of these three I believe without vanity I am a profound adept29! I will initiate30 you into all. Your labours shall begin this very evening. I have three works on my table; they must be despatched by tomorrow night. I will take the most arduous31; I abandon to you the others. The three consist of a Romance, an Epic32 in twelve books, and an Inquiry33 into the Human Mind, in three volumes. I, Paul, will tickle the Romance; you this very evening shall plaster the Epic, and slash the Inquiry!”
“Heavens, Mr. MacGrawler!” cried Paul, in consternation34, “what do you mean? I should never be able to read an epic in twelve books, and I should fall asleep in the first page of the Inquiry. No, no, leave me the Romance, and take the other two under your own protection!”
Although great genius is always benevolent35, Mr. MacGrawler could not restrain a smile of ineffable36 contempt at the simplicity37 of his pupil.
“Know, young gentleman,” said he, solemnly, “that the Romance in question must be tickled38; it is not given to raw beginners to conquer that great mystery of our science.”
“Before we proceed further, explain the words of the art,” said Paul, impatiently.
“Listen, then,” rejoined MacGrawler; and as he spoke39, the candle cast an awful glimmering40 on his countenance41. “To slash is, speaking grammatically, to employ the accusative, or accusing case; you must cut up your book right and left, top and bottom, root and branch. To plaster a book is to employ the dative, or giving case; and you must bestow42 on the work all the superlatives in the language — you must lay on your praise thick and thin, and not leave a crevice43 untrowelled. But to tickle, sir, is a comprehensive word, and it comprises all the infinite varieties that fill the interval44 between slashing45 and plastering. This is the nicety of the art, and you can only acquire it by practice; a few examples will suffice to give you an idea of its delicacy46.
“We will begin with the encouraging tickle: ‘Although this work is full of faults — though the characters are unnatural47, the plot utterly48 improbable, the thoughts hackneyed, and the style ungrammatical — yet we would by no means discourage the author from proceeding49; and in the mean while we confidently recommend his work to the attention of the reading public.”
“Take, now, the advising tickle: ‘There is a good deal of merit in these little volumes, although we must regret the evident haste in which they were written. The author might do better — we recommend him a study of the best writers;’ then conclude by a Latin quotation50, which you may take from one of the mottoes in the ‘Spectator.’
“Now, young gentleman, for a specimen51 of the metaphorical52 tickle: ‘We beg this poetical53 aspirant54 to remember the fate of Pyrenaeus, who, attempting to pursue the Muses55, forgot that he had not the wings of the goddesses, flung himself from the loftiest ascent56 he could reach, and perished.’
“This you see, Paul, is a loftier and more erudite sort of tickle, and may be reserved for one of the Quarterly Reviews. Never throw away a simile57 unnecessarily.
“Now for a sample of the facetious58 tickle: ‘Mr. —— has obtained a considerable reputation! Some fine ladies think him a great philosopher, and he has been praised in our hearing by some Cambridge Fellows for his knowledge of fashionable society.’
“For this sort of tickle we generally use the dullest of our tribe; and I have selected the foregoing example from the criticisms of a distinguished59 writer in ‘The Asinaeum,’ whom we call, par12 excellence60, the Ass14.
“There is a variety of other tickles61 — the familiar, the vulgar, the polite, the good-natured, the bitter; but in general all tickles may be supposed to signify, however disguised, one or other of these meanings: ‘This book would be exceedingly good if it were not exceedingly bad;’ or, ‘this book would be exceedingly bad if it were not exceedingly good.’
“You have now, Paul, a general idea of the superior art required by the tickle?”
Our hero signified his assent62 by a sort of hysterical63 sound between a laugh and a groan64. MacGrawler continued:—
“There is another grand difficulty attendant on this class of criticism. — it is generally requisite65 to read a few pages of the work; because we seldom tickle without extracting, and it requires some judgment66 to make the context agree with the extract. But it is not often necessary to extract when you slash or when you plaster; when you slash, it is better in general to conclude with: ‘After what we have said, it is unnecessary to add that we cannot offend the taste of our readers by any quotation from this execrable trash.’ And when you plaster, you may wind up with: ‘We regret that our limits will not allow us to give any extracts from this wonderful and unrivalled work. We must refer our readers to the book itself.’
“And now, sir, I think I have given you a sufficient outline of the noble science of Scaliger and MacGrawler. Doubtless you are reconciled to the task I have allotted67 you; and while I tickle the Romance, you will slash the Inquiry and plaster the Epic!”
“I will do my best, sir!” said Paul, with that modest yet noble simplicity which becomes the virtuously68 ambitious; and MacGrawler forthwith gave him pen and paper, and set him down to his undertaking70.
He had the good fortune to please MacGrawler, who, after having made a few corrections in style, declared he evinced a peculiar71 genius in that branch of composition. And then it was that Paul, made conceited72 by praise, said, looking contemptuously in the face of his preceptor, and swinging his legs to and fro —
“And what, sir, shall I receive for the plastered Epic and the slashed73 Inquiry?”
As the face of the school-boy who, when guessing, as he thinks rightly, at the meaning of some mysterious word in Cornelius Nepos, receiveth not the sugared epithet74 of praise, but a sudden stroke across the os humerosve [Face or shoulders] even so, blank, puzzled, and thunder-stricken, waxed the face of Mr. MacGrawler at the abrupt75 and astounding76 audacity77 of Paul.
“Receive!” he repeated — “receive! Why, you impudent78, ungrateful puppy, would you steal the bread from your old master? If I can obtain for your crude articles an admission into the illustrious pages of ‘The Asinaeum,’ will you not be sufficiently79 paid, sir, by the honour? Answer me that. Another man, young gentleman, would have charged you a premium80 for his instructions; and here have I, in one lesson, imparted to you all the mysteries of the science, and for nothing! And you talk to me of ‘receive! — receive!’ Young gentleman, in the words of the immortal81 bard82, ‘I would as lief you had talked to me of ratsbane!’”
“In fine, then, Mr. MacGrawler, I shall get nothing for my trouble?” said Paul.
“To be sure not, sir; the very best writer in ‘The Asinaeum’ only gets three shillings an article!” Almost more than he deserves, the critic might have added; for he who writes for nobody should receive nothing!
“Then, sir,” quoth the mercenary Paul, profanely83, and rising, he kicked with one kick the cat, the Epic, and the Inquiry to the other end of the room — “then, sir, you may all go to the devil!”
We do not, O gentle reader! seek to excuse this hasty anathema. The habits of childhood will sometimes break forth69 despite of the after blessings84 of education; and we set not up Paul for thine imitation as that model of virtue and of wisdom which we design thee to discover in MacGrawler.
When that great critic perceived Paul had risen and was retreating in high dudgeon towards the door, he rose also, and repeating Paul’s last words, said —
“‘Go to the devil!’ Not so quick, young gentleman — festinca lente — all in good time. What though I did, astonished at your premature85 request, say that you should receive nothing; yet my great love for you may induce me to bestir myself on your behalf. The ‘Asinaeum,’ I it is true, only gives three shillings an article in general; but I am its editor, and will intercede86 with the proprietors87 on your behalf. Yes, yes; I will see what is to be done. Stop a bit, my boy.”
Paul, though very irascible, was easily pacified88; he reseated himself, and taking MacGrawler’s hand, said —
“Forgive me for my petulance89, my dear sir; but, to tell you the honest truth, I am very low in the world just at present, and must get money in some way or another — in short, I must either pick pockets or write (not gratuitously) for ‘The Asinaeum. ‘”
And without further preliminary Paul related his present circumstances to the critic, declared his determination not to return to the Mug, and requested, at least, from the friendship of his old preceptor the accommodation of shelter for that night.
MacGrawler was exceedingly disconcerted at hearing so bad an account of his pupil’s finances as well as prospects90, for he had secretly intended to regale91 himself that evening with a bowl of punch, for which he purposed that Paul should pay; but as he knew the quickness of parts possessed92 by the young gentleman, as also the great affection entertained for him by Mrs. Lobkins, who in all probability would solicit93 his return the next day, he thought it not unlikely that Paul would enjoy the same good fortune as that presiding over his feline94 companion, which, though it had just been kicked to the other end of the apartment, was now resuming its former occupation, unhurt, and no less merrily than before. He therefore thought it would be imprudent to discard his quondam pupil, despite of his present poverty; and, moreover, although the first happy project of pocketing all the profits derivable95 from Paul’s industry was now abandoned, he still perceived great facility in pocketing a part of the same receipts. He therefore answered Paul very warmly, that he fully96 sympathized with him in his present melancholy97 situation; that, so far as he was concerned, he would share his last shilling with his beloved pupil, but that he regretted at that moment he had only eleven-pence halfpenny in his pocket; that he would, however, exert himself to the utmost in procuring98 an opening for Paul’s literary genius; and that, if Paul liked to take the slashing and plastering part of the business on himself, he would willingly surrender it to him, and give him all the profits whatever they might be. En attendant, he regretted that a violent rheumatism99 prevented his giving up his own bed to his pupil, but that he might, with all the pleasure imaginable, sleep upon the rug before the fire. Paul was so affected by this kindness in the worthy100 man, that, though not much addicted101 to the melting mood, he shed tears of gratitude102. He insisted, however, on not receiving the whole reward of his labours; and at length it was settled, though with a noble reluctance103 on the part of MacGrawler, that it should be equally shared between the critic and the critic’s protege — the half profits being reasonably awarded to MacGrawler for his instructions and his recommendation.
点击收听单词发音
1 canes | |
n.(某些植物,如竹或甘蔗的)茎( cane的名词复数 );(用于制作家具等的)竹竿;竹杖 | |
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2 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
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3 solitary | |
adj.孤独的,独立的,荒凉的;n.隐士 | |
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4 beguiling | |
adj.欺骗的,诱人的v.欺骗( beguile的现在分词 );使陶醉;使高兴;消磨(时间等) | |
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5 adorned | |
[计]被修饰的 | |
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6 chamber | |
n.房间,寝室;会议厅;议院;会所 | |
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7 growled | |
v.(动物)发狺狺声, (雷)作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 );低声咆哮着说 | |
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8 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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9 avocations | |
n.业余爱好,嗜好( avocation的名词复数 );职业 | |
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10 molesting | |
v.骚扰( molest的现在分词 );干扰;调戏;猥亵 | |
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11 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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12 par | |
n.标准,票面价值,平均数量;adj.票面的,平常的,标准的 | |
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13 edifying | |
adj.有教训意味的,教训性的,有益的v.开导,启发( edify的现在分词 ) | |
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14 ass | |
n.驴;傻瓜,蠢笨的人 | |
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15 acumen | |
n.敏锐,聪明 | |
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16 intonation | |
n.语调,声调;发声 | |
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17 eyebrows | |
眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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18 anathema | |
n.诅咒;被诅咒的人(物),十分讨厌的人(物) | |
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19 arrogance | |
n.傲慢,自大 | |
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20 presumption | |
n.推测,可能性,冒昧,放肆,[法律]推定 | |
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21 emanated | |
v.从…处传出,传出( emanate的过去式和过去分词 );产生,表现,显示 | |
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22 precept | |
n.戒律;格言 | |
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23 sage | |
n.圣人,哲人;adj.贤明的,明智的 | |
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24 obedience | |
n.服从,顺从 | |
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25 amputation | |
n.截肢 | |
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26 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
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27 tickle | |
v.搔痒,胳肢;使高兴;发痒;n.搔痒,发痒 | |
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28 slash | |
vi.大幅度削减;vt.猛砍,尖锐抨击,大幅减少;n.猛砍,斜线,长切口,衣衩 | |
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29 adept | |
adj.老练的,精通的 | |
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30 initiate | |
vt.开始,创始,发动;启蒙,使入门;引入 | |
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31 arduous | |
adj.艰苦的,费力的,陡峭的 | |
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32 epic | |
n.史诗,叙事诗;adj.史诗般的,壮丽的 | |
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33 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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34 consternation | |
n.大为吃惊,惊骇 | |
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35 benevolent | |
adj.仁慈的,乐善好施的 | |
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36 ineffable | |
adj.无法表达的,不可言喻的 | |
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37 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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38 tickled | |
(使)发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)愉快,逗乐 | |
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39 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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40 glimmering | |
n.微光,隐约的一瞥adj.薄弱地发光的v.发闪光,发微光( glimmer的现在分词 ) | |
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41 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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42 bestow | |
v.把…赠与,把…授予;花费 | |
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43 crevice | |
n.(岩石、墙等)裂缝;缺口 | |
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44 interval | |
n.间隔,间距;幕间休息,中场休息 | |
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45 slashing | |
adj.尖锐的;苛刻的;鲜明的;乱砍的v.挥砍( slash的现在分词 );鞭打;割破;削减 | |
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46 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
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47 unnatural | |
adj.不自然的;反常的 | |
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48 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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49 proceeding | |
n.行动,进行,(pl.)会议录,学报 | |
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50 quotation | |
n.引文,引语,语录;报价,牌价,行情 | |
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51 specimen | |
n.样本,标本 | |
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52 metaphorical | |
a.隐喻的,比喻的 | |
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53 poetical | |
adj.似诗人的;诗一般的;韵文的;富有诗意的 | |
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54 aspirant | |
n.热望者;adj.渴望的 | |
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55 muses | |
v.沉思,冥想( muse的第三人称单数 );沉思自语说(某事) | |
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56 ascent | |
n.(声望或地位)提高;上升,升高;登高 | |
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57 simile | |
n.直喻,明喻 | |
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58 facetious | |
adj.轻浮的,好开玩笑的 | |
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59 distinguished | |
adj.卓越的,杰出的,著名的 | |
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60 excellence | |
n.优秀,杰出,(pl.)优点,美德 | |
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61 tickles | |
(使)发痒( tickle的第三人称单数 ); (使)愉快,逗乐 | |
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62 assent | |
v.批准,认可;n.批准,认可 | |
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63 hysterical | |
adj.情绪异常激动的,歇斯底里般的 | |
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64 groan | |
vi./n.呻吟,抱怨;(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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65 requisite | |
adj.需要的,必不可少的;n.必需品 | |
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66 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
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67 allotted | |
分配,拨给,摊派( allot的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68 virtuously | |
合乎道德地,善良地 | |
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69 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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70 undertaking | |
n.保证,许诺,事业 | |
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71 peculiar | |
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的 | |
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72 conceited | |
adj.自负的,骄傲自满的 | |
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73 slashed | |
v.挥砍( slash的过去式和过去分词 );鞭打;割破;削减 | |
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74 epithet | |
n.(用于褒贬人物等的)表述形容词,修饰语 | |
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75 abrupt | |
adj.突然的,意外的;唐突的,鲁莽的 | |
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76 astounding | |
adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊,使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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77 audacity | |
n.大胆,卤莽,无礼 | |
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78 impudent | |
adj.鲁莽的,卑鄙的,厚颜无耻的 | |
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79 sufficiently | |
adv.足够地,充分地 | |
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80 premium | |
n.加付款;赠品;adj.高级的;售价高的 | |
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81 immortal | |
adj.不朽的;永生的,不死的;神的 | |
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82 bard | |
n.吟游诗人 | |
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83 profanely | |
adv.渎神地,凡俗地 | |
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84 blessings | |
n.(上帝的)祝福( blessing的名词复数 );好事;福分;因祸得福 | |
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85 premature | |
adj.比预期时间早的;不成熟的,仓促的 | |
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86 intercede | |
vi.仲裁,说情 | |
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87 proprietors | |
n.所有人,业主( proprietor的名词复数 ) | |
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88 pacified | |
使(某人)安静( pacify的过去式和过去分词 ); 息怒; 抚慰; 在(有战争的地区、国家等)实现和平 | |
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89 petulance | |
n.发脾气,生气,易怒,暴躁,性急 | |
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90 prospects | |
n.希望,前途(恒为复数) | |
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91 regale | |
v.取悦,款待 | |
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92 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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93 solicit | |
vi.勾引;乞求;vt.请求,乞求;招揽(生意) | |
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94 feline | |
adj.猫科的 | |
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95 derivable | |
adj.可引出的,可推论的,可诱导的 | |
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96 fully | |
adv.完全地,全部地,彻底地;充分地 | |
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97 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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98 procuring | |
v.(努力)取得, (设法)获得( procure的现在分词 );拉皮条 | |
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99 rheumatism | |
n.风湿病 | |
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100 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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101 addicted | |
adj.沉溺于....的,对...上瘾的 | |
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102 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
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103 reluctance | |
n.厌恶,讨厌,勉强,不情愿 | |
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