The morning of the thirteenth of February, which the readers of this authentic2 narrative3 know, as well as we do, to have been the day immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs. Bardell’s action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Weller, who was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George and Vulture to Mr. Perker’s chambers5 and back again, from and between the hours of nine o’clock in the morning and two in the afternoon, both inclusive. Not that there was anything whatever to be done, for the consultation6 had taken place, and the course of proceeding7 to be adopted, had been finally determined8 on; but Mr. Pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement, persevered9 in constantly sending small notes to his attorney, merely containing the inquiry10, ‘Dear Perker. Is all going on well?’ to which Mr. Perker invariably forwarded the reply, ‘Dear Pickwick. As well as possible’; the fact being, as we have already hinted, that there was nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, until the sitting of the court on the following morning.
But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forcibly there, for the first time, may be allowed to labour under some temporary irritation11 and anxiety; and Sam, with a due allowance for the frailties12 of human nature, obeyed all his master’s behests with that imperturbable13 good-humour and unruffable composure which formed one of his most striking and amiable14 characteristics.
Sam had solaced15 himself with a most agreeable little dinner, and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which Mr. Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues16 of his morning’s walks, when a young boy of about three feet high, or thereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian17 overalls18, whose garb19 bespoke20 a laudable ambition to attain22 in time the elevation23 of an hostler, entered the passage of the George and Vulture, and looked first up the stairs, and then along the passage, and then into the bar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a commission; whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons of the establishment, accosted24 the boy with —
‘Now, young man, what do you want?’
‘Is there anybody here, named Sam?’ inquired the youth, in a loud voice of treble quality.
‘What’s the t’other name?’ said Sam Weller, looking round.
‘How should I know?’ briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy cap. ‘You’re a sharp boy, you are,’ said Mr. Weller; ‘only I wouldn’t show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case anybody took it off. What do you mean by comin’ to a hot-el, and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?’
‘‘Cos an old gen’l’m’n told me to,’ replied the boy.
‘What old gen’l’m’n?’ inquired Sam, with deep disdain25.
‘Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,’ rejoined the boy. ‘He told me yesterday mornin’ to come to the George and Wultur this arternoon, and ask for Sam.’
‘It’s my father, my dear,’ said Mr. Weller, turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar; ‘blessed if I think he hardly knows wot my other name is. Well, young brockiley sprout26, wot then?’
‘Why then,’ said the boy, ‘you was to come to him at six o’clock to our ‘ouse, ‘cos he wants to see you — Blue Boar, Leaden’all Markit. Shall I say you’re comin’?’
‘You may wenture on that ‘ere statement, Sir,’ replied Sam. And thus empowered, the young gentleman walked away, awakening27 all the echoes in George Yard as he did so, with several chaste28 and extremely correct imitations of a drover’s whistle, delivered in a tone of peculiar29 richness and volume.
Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick, who, in his then state of excitement and worry, was by no means displeased30 at being left alone, set forth31, long before the appointed hour, and having plenty of time at his disposal, sauntered down as far as the Mansion32 House, where he paused and contemplated33, with a face of great calmness and philosophy, the numerous cads and drivers of short stages who assemble near that famous place of resort, to the great terror and confusion of the old-lady population of these realms. Having loitered here, for half an hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his way towards Leadenhall Market, through a variety of by-streets and courts. As he was sauntering away his spare time, and stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze, it is by no means surprising that Mr. Weller should have paused before a small stationer’s and print-seller’s window; but without further explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale therein, than he gave a sudden start, smote34 his right leg with great vehemence35, and exclaimed, with energy, ‘if it hadn’t been for this, I should ha’ forgot all about it, till it was too late!’
The particular picture on which Sam Weller’s eyes were fixed36, as he said this, was a highly-coloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered37 together with an arrow, cooking before a cheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in modern attire38, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine39 gravel40 path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted41 as superintending the cooking; a representation of the spire42 of the church in Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; and the whole formed a ‘valentine,’ of which, as a written inscription43 in the window testified, there was a large assortment44 within, which the shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of, to his countrymen generally, at the reduced rate of one-and-sixpence each.
‘I should ha’ forgot it; I should certainly ha’ forgot it!’ said Sam; so saying, he at once stepped into the stationer’s shop, and requested to be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter-paper, and a hard-nibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter. These articles having been promptly45 supplied, he walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace, very different from his recent lingering one. Looking round him, he there beheld46 a signboard on which the painter’s art had delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline47 nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing48 that this was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and inquired concerning his parent.
‘He won’t be here this three-quarters of an hour or more,’ said the young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar.
‘Wery good, my dear,’ replied Sam. ‘Let me have nine-penn’oth o’ brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, will you, miss?’
The brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, having been carried into the little parlour, and the young lady having carefully flattened49 down the coals to prevent their blazing, and carried away the poker50 to preclude51 the possibility of the fire being stirred, without the full privity and concurrence52 of the Blue Boar being first had and obtained, Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove, and pulled out the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, and the hard-nibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it, and dusting down the table, so that there might be no crumbs53 of bread under the paper, Sam tucked up the cuffs54 of his coat, squared his elbows, and composed himself to write.
To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves practically to the science of penmanship, writing a letter is no very easy task; it being always considered necessary in such cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm, so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper, and, while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing, to form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond. These motions, although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition, retard55 in some degree the progress of the writer; and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a half writing words in small text, smearing56 out wrong letters with his little finger, and putting in new ones which required going over very often to render them visible through the old blots58, when he was roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of his parent.
‘Vell, Sammy,’ said the father.
‘Vell, my Prooshan Blue,’ responded the son, laying down his pen. ‘What’s the last bulletin about mother-in-law?’
‘Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommon59 perwerse, and unpleasant this mornin’. Signed upon oath, Tony Veller, Esquire. That’s the last vun as was issued, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller, untying60 his shawl.
‘No better yet?’ inquired Sam.
‘All the symptoms aggerawated,’ replied Mr. Weller, shaking his head. ‘But wot’s that, you’re a-doin’ of? Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties, Sammy?’
‘I’ve done now,’ said Sam, with slight embarrassment61; ‘I’ve been a-writin’.’
‘So I see,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘Not to any young ‘ooman, I hope, Sammy?’
‘Why, it’s no use a-sayin’ it ain’t,’ replied Sam; ‘it’s a walentine.’
‘A what!’ exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently62 horror-stricken by the word.
‘A walentine,’ replied Sam. ‘Samivel, Samivel,’ said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, ‘I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it. Arter the warnin’ you’ve had o’ your father’s wicious propensities63; arter all I’ve said to you upon this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein’ and bein’ in the company o’ your own mother-in-law, vich I should ha’ thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha’ forgotten to his dyin’ day! I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it, Sammy, I didn’t think you’d ha’ done it!’ These reflections were too much for the good old man. He raised Sam’s tumbler to his lips and drank off its contents.
‘Wot’s the matter now?’ said Sam.
‘Nev’r mind, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller, ‘it’ll be a wery agonisin’ trial to me at my time of life, but I’m pretty tough, that’s vun consolation64, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the London market.’
‘Wot’ll be a trial?’ inquired Sam. ‘To see you married, Sammy — to see you a dilluded wictim, and thinkin’ in your innocence65 that it’s all wery capital,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘It’s a dreadful trial to a father’s feelin’s, that ‘ere, Sammy —’
‘Nonsense,’ said Sam. ‘I ain’t a-goin’ to get married, don’t you fret66 yourself about that; I know you’re a judge of these things. Order in your pipe and I’ll read you the letter. There!’
We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect67 of the pipe, or the consolatory68 reflection that a fatal disposition69 to get married ran in the family, and couldn’t be helped, which calmed Mr. Weller’s feelings, and caused his grief to subside70. We should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained71 by combining the two sources of consolation, for he repeated the second in a low tone, very frequently; ringing the bell meanwhile, to order in the first. He then divested72 himself of his upper coat; and lighting73 the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire with his back towards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and recline against the mantel-piece at the same time, turned towards Sam, and, with a countenance74 greatly mollified by the softening75 influence of tobacco, requested him to ‘fire away.’
Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, and began with a very theatrical76 air —
‘“Lovely —”’
‘Stop,’ said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. ‘A double glass o’ the inwariable, my dear.’
‘Very well, Sir,’ replied the girl; who with great quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared.
‘They seem to know your ways here,’ observed Sam.
‘Yes,’ replied his father, ‘I’ve been here before, in my time. Go on, Sammy.’
‘“Lovely creetur,”’ repeated Sam.
‘‘Tain’t in poetry, is it?’ interposed his father.
‘No, no,’ replied Sam.
‘Wery glad to hear it,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Poetry’s unnat’ral; no man ever talked poetry ‘cept a beadle on boxin’-day, or Warren’s blackin’, or Rowland’s oil, or some of them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.’
Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced, and read as follows:
‘“Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned —”’ ‘That ain’t proper,’ said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth.
‘No; it ain’t “damned,”’ observed Sam, holding the letter up to the light, ‘it’s “shamed,” there’s a blot57 there —“I feel myself ashamed.”’
‘Wery good,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘Go on.’
‘“Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir77 —’ I forget what this here word is,’ said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, in vain attempts to remember.
‘Why don’t you look at it, then?’ inquired Mr. Weller.
‘So I am a-lookin’ at it,’ replied Sam, ‘but there’s another blot. Here’s a “c,” and a “i,” and a “d.”’
‘Circumwented, p’raps,’ suggested Mr. Weller.
‘No, it ain’t that,’ said Sam, ‘“circumscribed78”; that’s it.’
‘That ain’t as good a word as “circumwented,” Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller gravely.
‘Think not?’ said Sam.
‘Nothin’ like it,’ replied his father.
‘But don’t you think it means more?’ inquired Sam.
‘Vell p’raps it’s a more tenderer word,’ said Mr. Weller, after a few moments’ reflection. ‘Go on, Sammy.’
‘“Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a-dressin’ of you, for you are a nice gal79 and nothin’ but it.”’
‘That’s a wery pretty sentiment,’ said the elder Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the remark.
‘Yes, I think it is rayther good,’ observed Sam, highly flattered.
‘Wot I like in that ‘ere style of writin’,’ said the elder Mr. Weller, ‘is, that there ain’t no callin’ names in it — no Wenuses, nor nothin’ o’ that kind. Wot’s the good o’ callin’ a young ‘ooman a Wenus or a angel, Sammy?’
‘Ah! what, indeed?’ replied Sam.
‘You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn80, or a king’s arms at once, which is wery well known to be a collection o’ fabulous81 animals,’ added Mr. Weller.
‘Just as well,’ replied Sam.
‘Drive on, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller.
Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows; his father continuing to smoke, with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency, which was particularly edifying82.
‘“Afore I see you, I thought all women was alike.”’
‘So they are,’ observed the elder Mr. Weller parenthetically.
‘“But now,”’ continued Sam, ‘“now I find what a reg’lar soft-headed, inkred’lous turnip83 I must ha’ been; for there ain’t nobody like you, though I like you better than nothin’ at all.” I thought it best to make that rayther strong,’ said Sam, looking up.
Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed.
‘“So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear — as the gen’l’m’n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday — to tell you that the first and only time I see you, your likeness84 was took on my hart in much quicker time and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen (wich p’raps you may have heerd on Mary my dear) altho it DOES finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete, with a hook at the end to hang it up by, and all in two minutes and a quarter.”’
‘I am afeerd that werges on the poetical85, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller dubiously86.
‘No, it don’t,’ replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid contesting the point —
‘“Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what I’ve said. — My dear Mary I will now conclude.” That’s all,’ said Sam.
‘That’s rather a Sudden pull-up, ain’t it, Sammy?’ inquired Mr. Weller.
‘Not a bit on it,’ said Sam; ‘she’ll vish there wos more, and that’s the great art o’ letter-writin’.’
‘Well,’ said Mr. Weller, ‘there’s somethin’ in that; and I wish your mother-in-law ’ud only conduct her conwersation on the same gen-teel principle. Ain’t you a-goin’ to sign it?’
‘That’s the difficulty,’ said Sam; ‘I don’t know what to sign it.’
‘Sign it —“Veller”,’ said the oldest surviving proprietor87 of that name.
‘Won’t do,’ said Sam. ‘Never sign a walentine with your own name.’
‘Sign it “Pickwick,” then,’ said Mr. Weller; ‘it’s a wery good name, and a easy one to spell.’ ‘The wery thing,’ said Sam. ‘I COULD end with a werse; what do you think?’
‘I don’t like it, Sam,’ rejoined Mr. Weller. ‘I never know’d a respectable coachman as wrote poetry, ‘cept one, as made an affectin’ copy o’ werses the night afore he was hung for a highway robbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that’s no rule.’
But Sam was not to be dissuaded88 from the poetical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the letter —
‘Your love-sick
Pickwick.’
And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a downhill direction in one corner: ‘To Mary, Housemaid, at Mr. Nupkins’s, Mayor’s, Ipswich, Suffolk’; and put it into his pocket, wafered, and ready for the general post. This important business having been transacted89, Mr. Weller the elder proceeded to open that, on which he had summoned his son.
‘The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘He’s a-goin’ to be tried to-morrow, ain’t he?’
‘The trial’s a-comin’ on,’ replied Sam.
‘Vell,’ said Mr. Weller, ‘Now I s’pose he’ll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p’rhaps to prove a alleybi. I’ve been a-turnin’ the bis’ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I’ve got some friends as’ll do either for him, but my adwice ’ud be this here — never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing.’ Mr. Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler, winked90 over the top thereof, at his astonished son. ‘Why, what do you mean?’ said Sam; ‘you don’t think he’s a-goin’ to be tried at the Old Bailey, do you?’
‘That ain’t no part of the present consideration, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘Verever he’s a-goin’ to be tried, my boy, a alleybi’s the thing to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that ‘ere manslaughter, with a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldn’t save him. And my ‘pinion is, Sammy, that if your governor don’t prove a alleybi, he’ll be what the Italians call reg’larly flummoxed, and that’s all about it.’
As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme91 court of judicature in this country, and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever92, he totally disregarded the assurances and arguments of his son, tending to show that the alibi93 was inadmissible; and vehemently94 protested that Mr. Pickwick was being ‘wictimised.’ Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Sam changed the subject, and inquired what the second topic was, on which his revered95 parent wished to consult him.
‘That’s a pint96 o’ domestic policy, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller. ‘This here Stiggins —’
‘Red-nosed man?’ inquired Sam.
‘The wery same,’ replied Mr. Weller. ‘This here red-nosed man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and constancy I never see equalled. He’s sitch a friend o’ the family, Sammy, that wen he’s avay from us, he can’t be comfortable unless he has somethin’ to remember us by.’
‘And I’d give him somethin’ as ’ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for the next ten years or so, if I wos you,’ interposed Sam.
‘Stop a minute,’ said Mr. Weller; ‘I wos a-going to say, he always brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half, and fills it vith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay.’
‘And empties it afore he comes back, I s’pose?’ said Sam.
‘Clean!’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘never leaves nothin’ in it but the cork97 and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these here fellows, my boy, are a-goin’ to-night to get up the monthly meetin’ o’ the Brick Lane Branch o’ the United Grand Junction98 Ebenezer Temperance Association. Your mother-in-law wos a-goin’, Sammy, but she’s got the rheumatics, and can’t; and I, Sammy — I’ve got the two tickets as wos sent her.’ Mr. Weller communicated this secret with great glee, and winked so indefatigably99 after doing so, that Sam began to think he must have got the TIC DOLOUREUX in his right eyelid100.
‘Well?’ said that young gentleman. ‘Well,’ continued his progenitor101, looking round him very cautiously, ‘you and I’ll go, punctiwal to the time. The deputy-shepherd won’t, Sammy; the deputy-shepherd won’t.’ Here Mr. Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles102, which gradually terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman can, with safety, sustain.
‘Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,’ exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentleman’s back, hard enough to set him on fire with the friction103. ‘What are you a-laughin’ at, corpilence?’
‘Hush! Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, looking round him with increased caution, and speaking in a whisper. ‘Two friends o’ mine, as works the Oxford104 Road, and is up to all kinds o’ games, has got the deputy-shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he does come to the Ebenezer Junction (vich he’s sure to do: for they’ll see him to the door, and shove him in, if necessary), he’ll be as far gone in rum-and-water, as ever he wos at the Markis o’ Granby, Dorkin’, and that’s not sayin’ a little neither.’ And with this, Mr. Weller once more laughed immoderately, and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation105, in consequence.
Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Weller’s feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the red-nosed man; and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general post-office as they walked along.
The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room, pleasantly and airily situated106 at the top of a safe and commodious107 ladder. The president was the straight-walking Mr. Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, and occasionally an itinerant108 preacher; and the secretary was Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler’s shopkeeper, an enthusiastic and disinterested109 vessel110, who sold tea to the members. Previous to the commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and drank tea, till such time as they considered it expedient111 to leave off; and a large wooden money-box was conspicuously112 placed upon the green baize cloth of the business-table, behind which the secretary stood, and acknowledged, with a gracious smile, every addition to the rich vein113 of copper114 which lay concealed115 within.
On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller, senior, who, utterly116 regardless of all Sam’s admonitory nudgings, stared about him in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment117.
‘Sammy,’ whispered Mr. Weller, ‘if some o’ these here people don’t want tappin’ to-morrow mornin’, I ain’t your father, and that’s wot it is. Why, this here old lady next me is a-drowndin’ herself in tea.’ ‘Be quiet, can’t you?’ murmured Sam.
‘Sam,’ whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone of deep agitation119, ‘mark my vords, my boy. If that ‘ere secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he’ll blow hisself up with toast and water.’
‘Well, let him, if he likes,’ replied Sam; ‘it ain’t no bis’ness o’ yourn.’
‘If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, in the same low voice, ‘I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein’, to rise and address the cheer. There’s a young ‘ooman on the next form but two, as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and she’s a-swellin’ wisibly before my wery eyes.’
There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his benevolent120 intention into immediate4 execution, if a great noise, occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers, had not very fortunately announced that the tea-drinking was over. The crockery having been removed, the table with the green baize cover was carried out into the centre of the room, and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic121 man, with a bald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the ladder, at the imminent122 peril123 of snapping the two little legs incased in the drab shorts, and said —
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. Anthony Humm, into the chair.’
The ladies waved a choice selection of pocket-handkerchiefs at this proposition; and the impetuous little man literally124 moved Mr. Humm into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a mahogany-frame which had once represented that article of furniture. The waving of handkerchiefs was renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek125, white-faced man, in a perpetual perspiration126, bowed meekly127, to the great admiration128 of the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose and said — That, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and sisters, then and there present, the secretary would read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee; a proposition which was again received with a demonstration129 of pocket-handkerchiefs.
The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and the cough which always seizes an assembly, when anything particular is going to be done, having been duly performed, the following document was read:
‘REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION
‘Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following additional cases of converts to Temperance.
‘H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better circumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale and beer; says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week, for twenty years, taste “dog’s nose,” which your committee find upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg (a groan130, and ‘So it is!’ from an elderly female). Is now out of work and penniless; thinks it must be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the use of his right hand; is not certain which, but thinks it very likely that, if he had drunk nothing but water all his life, his fellow-workman would never have stuck a rusty131 needle in him, and thereby132 occasioned his accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to drink, and never feels thirsty (great applause).
‘Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out charing133 and washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, but knows her mother drank bottled stout134, and shouldn’t wonder if that caused it (immense cheering). Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained135 from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time (tremendous applause). Used, at every place she went to, to have eighteen-pence a day, a pint of porter, and a glass of spirits; but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three-and-sixpence (the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening136 enthusiasm).
‘Henry Beller was for many years toast-master at various corporation dinners, during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine; may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him; is not quite certain of that, but is sure if he did, that he drank the contents. Feels very low and melancholy137, is very feverish138, and has a constant thirst upon him; thinks it must be the wine he used to drink (cheers). Is out of employ now; and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance (tremendous plaudits).
‘Thomas Burton is purveyor139 of cat’s meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs, and several members of the Common Council (the announcement of this gentleman’s name was received with breathless interest). Has a wooden leg; finds a wooden leg expensive, going over the stones; used to wear second-hand140 wooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-and-water regularly every night — sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-hand wooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that their constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water (prolonged cheering). Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks nothing but water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do, and he attributes this solely141 to his temperate142 habits (triumphant cheers).’
Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale143 itself with a song. With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment144, Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of ‘Who hasn’t heard of a Jolly Young Waterman?’ to the tune145 of the Old Hundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing (great applause). He might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion146 that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the errors of his former life, had written that song to show the advantages of abstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). The neatness of the young man’s attire, the dexterity147 of his feathering, the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the poet, to
‘Row along, thinking of nothing at all,’
all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker (cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous148 jollity! (rapturous cheering). And what was the young man’s reward? Let all young men present mark this:
‘The maidens149 all flocked to his boat so readily.’
(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example! The sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman, and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance. But, was it the maidens of humble150 life only, who soothed151, consoled, and supported him? No!
‘He was always first oars152 with the fine city ladies.’
(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man — he begged pardon, to a female — rallied round the young waterman, and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane Branch brothers were watermen (cheers and laughter). That room was their boat; that audience were the maidens; and he (Mr. Anthony Humm), however unworthily, was ‘first oars’ (unbounded applause).
‘Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?’ inquired Mr. Weller, in a whisper.
‘The womin,’ said Sam, in the same tone.
‘He ain’t far out there, Sammy,’ replied Mr. Weller; ‘they MUST be a soft sex — a wery soft sex, indeed — if they let themselves be gammoned by such fellers as him.’
Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by the announcement of the song, which Mr. Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a time, for the information of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend. While it was being sung, the little man with the drab shorts disappeared; he returned immediately on its conclusion, and whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest importance. ‘My friends,’ said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner, to bespeak153 the silence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a line or two behind; ‘my friends, a delegate from the Dorking Branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, attends below.’
Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force than ever; for Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of Brick Lane.
‘He may approach, I think,’ said Mr. Humm, looking round him, with a fat smile. ‘Brother Tadger, let him come forth and greet us.’
The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother Tadger, bustled154 down the ladder with great speed, and was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend Mr. Stiggins.
‘He’s a-comin’, Sammy,’ whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the countenance with suppressed laughter.
‘Don’t say nothin’ to me,’ replied Sam, ‘for I can’t bear it. He’s close to the door. I hear him a-knockin’ his head again the lath and plaster now.’
As Sam Weller spoke21, the little door flew open, and Brother Tadger appeared, closely followed by the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, who no sooner entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, and stamping of feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of which manifestations155 of delight, Brother Stiggins returned no other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye, and a fixed smile, at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table, swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady and uncertain manner.
‘Are you unwell, Brother Stiggins?’ whispered Mr. Anthony Humm.
‘I am all right, Sir,’ replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance156; ‘I am all right, Sir.’
‘Oh, very well,’ rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a few paces.
‘I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right, Sir?’ said Mr. Stiggins.
‘Oh, certainly not,’ said Mr. Humm. ‘I should advise him not to, Sir; I should advise him not,’ said Mr. Stiggins.
By this time the audience were perfectly157 silent, and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of business.
‘Will you address the meeting, brother?’ said Mr. Humm, with a smile of invitation.
‘No, sir,’ rejoined Mr. Stiggins; ‘No, sir. I will not, sir.’
The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids158; and a murmur118 of astonishment ran through the room.
‘It’s my opinion, sir,’ said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, and speaking very loudly —‘it’s my opinion, sir, that this meeting is drunk, sir. Brother Tadger, sir!’ said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly increasing in ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts, ‘YOU are drunk, sir!’ With this, Mr. Stiggins, entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting, and to exclude therefrom all improper159 characters, hit Brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim, that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning. Brother Tadger had been knocked, head first, down the ladder.
Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal160 screaming; and rushing in small parties before their favourite brothers, flung their arms around them to preserve them from danger. An instance of affection, which had nearly proved fatal to Humm, who, being extremely popular, was all but suffocated161, by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck, and heaped caresses162 upon him. The greater part of the lights were quickly put out, and nothing but noise and confusion resounded163 on all sides.
‘Now, Sammy,’ said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat with much deliberation, ‘just you step out, and fetch in a watchman.’
‘And wot are you a-goin’ to do, the while?’ inquired Sam.
‘Never you mind me, Sammy,’ replied the old gentleman; ‘I shall ockipy myself in havin’ a small settlement with that ‘ere Stiggins.’ Before Sam could interfere164 to prevent it, his heroic parent had penetrated165 into a remote corner of the room, and attacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity.
‘Come off!’ said Sam.
‘Come on!’ cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation he gave the Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, and began dancing round him in a buoyant and cork-like manner, which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel166 to behold167.
Finding all remonstrances168 unavailing, Sam pulled his hat firmly on, threw his father’s coat over his arm, and taking the old man round the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and into the street; never releasing his hold, or permitting him to stop, until they reached the corner. As they gained it, they could hear the shouts of the populace, who were witnessing the removal of the Reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong lodgings169 for the night, and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association.
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1
retaliation
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| n.报复，反击 | |
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2
authentic
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| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
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3
narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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6
consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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7
proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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8
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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persevered
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| v.坚忍，坚持( persevere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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11
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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12
frailties
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| n.脆弱( frailty的名词复数 )；虚弱；（性格或行为上的）弱点；缺点 | |
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13
imperturbable
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| adj.镇静的 | |
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14
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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15
solaced
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| v.安慰，慰藉( solace的过去分词 ) | |
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16
fatigues
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| n.疲劳( fatigue的名词复数 )；杂役；厌倦；（士兵穿的）工作服 | |
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17
fustian
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| n.浮夸的；厚粗棉布 | |
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18
overalls
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| n.（复）工装裤；长罩衣 | |
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19
garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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20
bespoke
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| adj.（产品）订做的；专做订货的v.预定( bespeak的过去式 )；订（货）；证明；预先请求 | |
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21
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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22
attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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23
elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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24
accosted
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| v.走过去跟…讲话( accost的过去式和过去分词 )；跟…搭讪；（乞丐等）上前向…乞讨；（妓女等）勾搭 | |
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25
disdain
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| n.鄙视，轻视；v.轻视，鄙视，不屑 | |
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26
sprout
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| n.芽，萌芽；vt.使发芽，摘去芽；vi.长芽，抽条 | |
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27
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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28
chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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29
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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30
displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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31
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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32
mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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33
contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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34
smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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35
vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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36
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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37
skewered
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| v.（用串肉扦或类似物）串起，刺穿( skewer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38
attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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39
serpentine
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| adj.蜿蜒的，弯曲的 | |
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40
gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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41
depicted
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| 描绘，描画( depict的过去式和过去分词 )； 描述 | |
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42
spire
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| n.(教堂)尖顶，尖塔，高点 | |
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43
inscription
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| n.（尤指石块上的）刻印文字，铭文，碑文 | |
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44
assortment
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| n.分类，各色俱备之物，聚集 | |
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45
promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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46
beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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47
aquiline
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| adj.钩状的，鹰的 | |
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48
conjecturing
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| v. & n. 推测，臆测 | |
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49
flattened
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| [医]（水）平扁的，弄平的 | |
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50
poker
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| n.扑克；vt.烙制 | |
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51
preclude
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| vt.阻止，排除，防止；妨碍 | |
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52
concurrence
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| n.同意；并发 | |
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53
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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54
cuffs
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| n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打，拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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55
retard
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| n.阻止，延迟；vt.妨碍，延迟，使减速 | |
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56
smearing
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| 污点，拖尾效应 | |
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57
blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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58
blots
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| 污渍( blot的名词复数 )； 墨水渍； 错事； 污点 | |
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59
uncommon
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| adj.罕见的，非凡的，不平常的 | |
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60
untying
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| untie的现在分词 | |
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61
embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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62
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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63
propensities
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| n.倾向，习性( propensity的名词复数 ) | |
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64
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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65
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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66
fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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67
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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68
consolatory
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| adj.慰问的，可藉慰的 | |
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69
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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70
subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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71
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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72
divested
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| v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 )；脱去（衣服）；2。从…取去…；1。（给某人）脱衣服 | |
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73
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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74
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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75
softening
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| 变软，软化 | |
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76
theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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77
cir
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| abbr.circular 通知；circulation （货币，货物等的）流通；circle 圆；circa (Latin=about) （拉丁语）大约 | |
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78
circumscribed
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| adj.[医]局限的：受限制或限于有限空间的v.在…周围划线( circumscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；划定…范围；限制；限定 | |
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79
gal
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| n.姑娘，少女 | |
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80
unicorn
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| n.(传说中的)独角兽 | |
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81
fabulous
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| adj.极好的；极为巨大的；寓言中的，传说中的 | |
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82
edifying
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| adj.有教训意味的，教训性的，有益的v.开导，启发( edify的现在分词 ) | |
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83
turnip
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| n.萝卜，芜菁 | |
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84
likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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85
poetical
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| adj.似诗人的；诗一般的；韵文的；富有诗意的 | |
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86
dubiously
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| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
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87
proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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88
dissuaded
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| 劝（某人）勿做某事，劝阻( dissuade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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89
transacted
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| v.办理（业务等）( transact的过去式和过去分词 )；交易，谈判 | |
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90
winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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91
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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92
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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93
alibi
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| n.某人当时不在犯罪现场的申辩或证明；借口 | |
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94
vehemently
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| adv. 热烈地 | |
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95
revered
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| v.崇敬，尊崇，敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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96
pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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97
cork
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| n.软木，软木塞 | |
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98
junction
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| n.连接，接合；交叉点，接合处，枢纽站 | |
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99
indefatigably
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| adv.不厌倦地，不屈不挠地 | |
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100
eyelid
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| n.眼睑，眼皮 | |
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101
progenitor
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| n.祖先，先驱 | |
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102
chuckles
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的名词复数 ) | |
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103
friction
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| n.摩擦，摩擦力 | |
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104
Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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105
suffocation
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| n.窒息 | |
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106
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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107
commodious
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| adj.宽敞的；使用方便的 | |
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108
itinerant
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| adj.巡回的；流动的 | |
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109
disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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110
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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111
expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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112
conspicuously
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| ad.明显地，惹人注目地 | |
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113
vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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114
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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115
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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116
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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117
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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118
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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119
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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120
benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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121
emphatic
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| adj.强调的，着重的；无可置疑的，明显的 | |
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122
imminent
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| adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的 | |
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123
peril
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| n.(严重的)危险；危险的事物 | |
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124
literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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125
sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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126
perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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127
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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128
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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129
demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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130
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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131
rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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133
charing
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| n.炭化v.把…烧成炭，把…烧焦( char的现在分词 )；烧成炭，烧焦；做杂役女佣 | |
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abstained
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| v.戒（尤指酒），戒除( abstain的过去式和过去分词 )；弃权（不投票） | |
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deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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138
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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139
purveyor
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| n.承办商，伙食承办商 | |
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140
second-hand
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| adj.用过的，旧的，二手的 | |
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141
solely
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| adv.仅仅，唯一地 | |
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142
temperate
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| adj.温和的，温带的，自我克制的，不过分的 | |
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143
regale
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| v.取悦，款待 | |
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144
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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145
tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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146
persuasion
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| n.劝说；说服；持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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147
dexterity
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| n.(手的)灵巧，灵活 | |
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148
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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149
maidens
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| 处女( maiden的名词复数 )； 少女； 未婚女子； （板球运动）未得分的一轮投球 | |
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150
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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151
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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152
oars
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| n.桨，橹( oar的名词复数 )；划手v.划（行）( oar的第三人称单数 ) | |
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153
bespeak
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| v.预定；预先请求 | |
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154
bustled
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| 闹哄哄地忙乱，奔忙( bustle的过去式和过去分词 )； 催促 | |
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155
manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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156
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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157
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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158
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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159
improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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161
suffocated
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| （使某人）窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 )； （将某人）闷死； 让人感觉闷热； 憋气 | |
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162
caresses
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| 爱抚，抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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163
resounded
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| v.（指声音等）回荡于某处( resound的过去式和过去分词 )；产生回响；（指某处）回荡着声音 | |
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164
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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165
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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166
marvel
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| vi.(at)惊叹vt.感到惊异；n.令人惊异的事 | |
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167
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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168
remonstrances
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| n.抱怨，抗议( remonstrance的名词复数 ) | |
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169
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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