“Where’s the car?” she asked.
“I left it in Arles. I didn’t feel like driving any more.”
“I thought from your note that you’d be several days.”
“I ran into a mistral and some rain.”
“Did you have fun?”
“Just as much fun as anybody has running away from things. I drove Rosemary as far as Avignon and put her on her train there.” They walked toward the terrace together, where he deposited his bag. “I didn’t tell you in the note because I thought you’d imagine a lot of things.”
“That was very considerate of you.” Nicole felt surer of herself now.
“I wanted to find out if she had anything to offer — the only way was to see her alone.”
“Did she have — anything to offer?”
“Rosemary didn’t grow up,” he answered. “It’s probably better that way. What have you been doing?”
She felt her face quiver like a rabbit’s.
“I went dancing last night — with Tommy Barban. We went —”
He winced1, interrupting her.
“Don’t tell me about it. It doesn’t matter what you do, only I don’t want to know anything definitely.”
“There isn’t anything to know.”
“All right, all right.” Then as if he had been away a week: “How are the children?”
The phone rang in the house.
“If it’s for me I’m not home,” said Dick turning away quickly. “I’ve got some things to do over in the work-room.”
Nicole waited till he was out of sight behind the well; then she went into the house and took up the phone.
“Nicole, comment vas-tu?”
“Dick’s home.”
He groaned2.
“Meet me here in Cannes,” he suggested. “I’ve got to talk to you.”
“I can’t.”
“Tell me you love me.” Without speaking she nodded at the receiver; he repeated, “Tell me you love me.”
“Oh, I do,” she assured him. “But there’s nothing to be done right now.”
“Of course there is,” he said impatiently. “Dick sees it’s over between you two — it’s obvious he has quit. What does he expect you to do?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to —” She stopped herself from saying “— to wait until I can ask Dick,” and instead finished with: “I’ll write and I’ll phone you to-morrow.”
She wandered about the house rather contentedly3, resting on her achievement. She was a mischief4, and that was a satisfaction; no longer was she a huntress of corralled game. Yesterday came back to her now in innumerable detail — detail that began to overlay her memory of similar moments when her love for Dick was fresh and intact. She began to slight that love, so that it seemed to have been tinged5 with sentimental6 habit from the first. With the opportunistic memory of women she scarcely recalled how she had felt when she and Dick had possessed7 each other in secret places around the corners of the world, during the month before they were married. Just so had she lied to Tommy last night, swearing to him that never before had she so entirely8, so completely, so utterly9 . . . .
. . . then remorse10 for this moment of betrayal, which so cavalierly belittled11 a decade of her life, turned her walk toward Dick’s sanctuary12.
Approaching noiselessly she saw him behind his cottage, sitting in a steamer chair by the cliff wall, and for a moment she regarded him silently. He was thinking, he was living a world completely his own and in the small motions of his face, the brow raised or lowered, the eyes narrowed or widened, the lips set and reset13, the play of his hands, she saw him progress from phase to phase of his own story spinning out inside him, his own, not hers. Once he clenched14 his fists and leaned forward, once it brought into his face an expression of torment15 and despair — when this passed its stamp lingered in his eyes. For almost the first time in her life she was sorry for him — it is hard for those who have once been mentally afflicted16 to be sorry for those who are well, and though Nicole often paid lip service to the fact that he had led her back to the world she had forfeited17, she had thought of him really as an inexhaustible energy, incapable18 of fatigue19 — she forgot the troubles she caused him at the moment when she forgot the troubles of her own that had prompted her. That he no longer controlled her — did he know that? Had he willed it all? — she felt as sorry for him as she had sometimes felt for Abe North and his ignoble20 destiny, sorry as for the helplessness of infants and the old.
She went up putting her arm around his shoulder and touching21 their heads together said:
“Don’t be sad.”
He looked at her coldly.
“Don’t touch me!” he said.
Confused she moved a few feet away.
“Excuse me,” he continued abstractedly. “I was just thinking what I thought of you —”
“Why not add the new classification to your book?”
“I have thought of it —‘Furthermore and beyond the psychoses and the neuroses —’”
“I didn’t come over here to be disagreeable.”
“Then why DID you come, Nicole? I can’t do anything for you any more. I’m trying to save myself.”
“From my contamination?”
“Profession throws me in contact with questionable22 company sometimes.”
She wept with anger at the abuse.
“You’re a coward! You’ve made a failure of your life, and you want to blame it on me.”
While he did not answer she began to feel the old hypnotism of his intelligence, sometimes exercised without power but always with substrata of truth under truth which she could not break or even crack. Again she struggled with it, fighting him with her small, fine eyes, with the plush arrogance23 of a top dog, with her nascent24 transference to another man, with the accumulated resentment25 of years; she fought him with her money and her faith that her sister disliked him and was behind her now; with the thought of the new enemies he was making with his bitterness, with her quick guile26 against his wine-ing and dine-ing slowness, her health and beauty against his physical deterioration27, her unscrupulousness against his moralities — for this inner battle she used even her weaknesses — fighting bravely and courageously28 with the old cans and crockery and bottles, empty receptacles of her expiated29 sins, outrages30, mistakes. And suddenly, in the space of two minutes she achieved her victory and justified31 herself to herself without lie or subterfuge32, cut the cord forever. Then she walked, weak in the legs, and sobbing33 coolly, toward the household that was hers at last.
Dick waited until she was out of sight. Then he leaned his head forward on the parapet. The case was finished. Doctor Diver was at liberty.
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收听单词发音
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1
winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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3
contentedly
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| adv.心满意足地 | |
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mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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7
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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8
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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belittled
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| 使显得微小，轻视，贬低( belittle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12
sanctuary
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| n.圣所，圣堂，寺庙；禁猎区，保护区 | |
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13
reset
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| v.重新安排，复位；n.重新放置；重放之物 | |
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14
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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16
afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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17
forfeited
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| （因违反协议、犯规、受罚等）丧失，失去( forfeit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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19
fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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20
ignoble
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| adj.不光彩的，卑鄙的；可耻的 | |
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21
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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22
questionable
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| adj.可疑的，有问题的 | |
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23
arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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24
nascent
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| adj.初生的，发生中的 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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26
guile
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| n.诈术 | |
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27
deterioration
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| n.退化；恶化；变坏 | |
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28
courageously
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| ad.勇敢地，无畏地 | |
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29
expiated
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| v.为（所犯罪过）接受惩罚，赎（罪）( expiate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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30
outrages
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| 引起…的义愤，激怒( outrage的第三人称单数 ) | |
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31
justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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32
subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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33
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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