I HAD THE SENSE THAT I'D BEEN ASLEEP FOR A VERY long time—my body was stiff, like Ihadn't moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorfuldreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. Thehorrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble1. There was sharp impatience2 and fear,both part of that frustrating3 dream where your feet can't move fast enough… And there were plenty ofmonsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was stillstrong—I could even remember the names. But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not thehorror. It was the angel that was most clear.
It was hard to let him go and wake up. This dream did not want to be shoved away into the vault4 ofdreams I refused to revisit. I struggled with it as my mind became more alert, focusing on reality. Icouldn't remember what day of the week it was, but I was sure Jacob or school or work or somethingwas waiting for me. I inhaled5 deeply, wondering how to face another day.
Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.
I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. I was still dreaming, it seemed, and it felt abnormally real. I was soclose to waking… any second now, and it would be gone.
But I realized that it felt too real, too real to be good for me. The stone arms I imagined wrapped around me were far too substantial. If I let this go any further, I'd be sorry for it later. With a resigned sigh, Iwrenched back my eyelids6 to dispel7 the illusion.
"Oh!" I gasped8, and threw my fists over my eyes.
Well, clearly, I'd gone too far; it must have been a mistake to let my imagination get so out of hand.
Okay, so "let" was the wrong word. I'd forced it to get out of hand—pretty much stalked myhallucinations—and now my mind had snapped.
It took less than half a second for me to realize that, as long as I was truly insane now, I might as wellenjoy the delusions9 while they were pleasant.
I opened my eyes again—and Edward was still there, his perfect face just inches away from mine.
"Did I frighten you?" His low voice was anxious. This was very good, as delusions went. The face, thevoice, the scent10, everything—it was so much better than drowning. The beautiful figment of myimagination watched my changing expressions, with alarm. His irises11 were pitch-black, with bruise-likeshadows under them. This surprised me; my hallucinatory Edwards were usually better fed.
I blinked twice, desperately12 trying to remember the last thing that I was sure was real. Alice was part ofmy dream, and I wondered if she had really come back at all, or if that was just the preamble13. I thoughtshe'd returned the day I'd nearly drowned…"Oh, crap" I croaked14. My throat was thick with sleeping.
"What's wrong, Bella?"I frowned at him unhappily. His face was even more anxious than before.
"I'm dead, right?" I moaned. "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."Edward frowned, too. "You're not dead.""Then why am I not waking up?" I challenged, raising my eyebrows16.
"You are awake, Bella."I shook my head. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I dowake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee andJake…" I trailed off in horror at what I had done.
"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." His short-lived smile was grim. "But I can'timagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"I grimaced17. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."He sighed.
My head was getting clearer. My eyes flickered18 away from his face—unwillingly—for one second, to thedark, open window, and then back to him. I started to remember details… and I felt a faint, unfamiliarblush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was really, truly here with me,and I was wasting time being an idiot.
"Did all of that really happen, then?" It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldn'twrap my head around the concept.
"That depends." Edward's smile was still hard. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy,then, yes.""How strange," I mused20. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east thanAlbuquerque?"He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent.""I'm not tired anymore." It was all coming clear now. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?""It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."I stretched as he spoke21. I was so stiff.
"Charlie?" I asked.
Edward frowned. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, nottechnically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But,still, the intent was clear.""Charlie banned you from the house?" I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.
His eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it would be a good timeto remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood22. It didn't matter so much, of course, except inprinciple. All too soon there would be no reason for the prohibition23. I turned my thoughts to less painfulavenues.
"What's the story?" I asked, genuinely curious, but also trying desperately to keep the conversationcasual, to keep a firm grip on myself, so I wouldn't scare him away with the frantic24, gnawing25 craving26 thatwas raging inside me.
"What do you mean?""What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?" Itried to count the hours in my head.
"Just three days." His eyes tightened27, but he smiled more naturally this time. "Actually, I was hoping youmight have a good explanation. I've got nothing."I groaned28. "Fabulous29.""Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," he offered, trying to comfort me.
And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that he was here—soclose, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clock—was precious andnot to be wasted.
"So," I began, picking the least important—though still vitally interesting—question to start with. I wassafely delivered home, and he might decide to leave at any moment. I had to keep him talking. Besides,this temporary heaven wasn't entirely30 complete without the sound of his voice. "What have you beendoing, up until three days ago?"His face turned wary31 in an instant. "Nothing terribly exciting." "Of course not," I mumbled32.
"Why are you making that face?""Well…" I pursed my lips, considering. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thingyou would say. My imagination must be used up."He sighed. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?""Nightmare!" I repeated scornfully. He waited for my answer. "Maybe," I said after a second of thought.
"If you tell me.""I was… hunting.""Is that the best you can do?" I criticized. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."He hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing his words with care. "I wasn't hunting fot food… I wasactually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it.""What were you tracking?" I asked, intrigued33.
"Nothing of consequence." His words didn't match his expression; he looked upset, uncomfortable.
"I don't understand."He hesitated; his face, shining with an odd green cast from the light of the clock, was torn.
"I—" He took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more thanthat. But you have to know,"—the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spokesometimes when he was agitated34, that I really had to concentrate to catch them all—"that I had no idea. Ididn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea thatVictoria,"—his lips curled back when he said the name—"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw herthat one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had thiskind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sureof him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded herfeelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what shesaw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature35, volatile,the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered36 and the gush37 of words halted for a shortsecond. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I cansee and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable38 excuse for—""Stop," I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized39 eyes, and I tried to find the right words—thewords that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain. They were veryhard words to say. I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking down. But I had to try to do itright. I didn't want to be a source of guilt40 and anguish41 in his life. He should be happy, no matter what itcost me.
I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end somuch sooner.
Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie, I kept my face smooth.
"Edward," I said. His name burned my throat a little on the way out. I could feel the ghost of the hole,waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared. I didn't quite see how I was going to survive itthis time. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault,it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have torealize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel badthat you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, andnot your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can'tlet that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—"I was on the edge of losing it. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set himfree. I had to make sure this never happened again.
"Isabella Marie Swan," he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad.
"Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"I could feel the blank incomprehension on my face. "Didn't you?""Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend.""Then… what are you saying? I don't understand.""Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," he said, voice soft, eyes fierce. "Even ifI'd had no hand in your death"—he shuddered as he whispered the last word—"even if it wasn't myfault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken toAlice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed tothink when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds42?
"The odds…" he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasn't sure I beard it right. "The oddsare always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again.""But I still don't understand," I said. "That's my whole point. So what?""Excuse me?""So what if I was dead?"He stared at me dubiously43 for a long moment before answering. "Don't you remember anything I told youbefore?""I remember everything that you told me." Including the words that had negated44 all the rest.
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip. "Bella, you seem to be under amisapprehension." He closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth45 with half a smile on his beautifulface. It wasn't a happy smile. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world whereyou don't exist.""I am…" My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. "Confused." That worked. I couldn'tmake sense of what he was saying.
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. "I'm a good liar19, Bella, I have to be."I froze, my muscles locking down as if for impact. The fault line in my chest rippled46; the pain of it took mybreath away.
He shook my shoulder, trying to loosen my rigid47 pose. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you tobelieve me so quickly." He winced48. "That was… excruciating."I waited, still frozen.
"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—"I didn't allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.
"You weren't going to let go," he whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it wouldkill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would justtake you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so wouldyou.""A clean break," I whispered through unmoving lips.
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—thatyou would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant theseed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was aworthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didn't work.
I'm sorry.
"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you letone word break your faith in me?"I didn't answer. I was too shocked to form a rational response.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd,ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without needing you!"I was still frozen. His words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible.
He shook my shoulder again, not hard, but enough that my teeth rattled49 a little.
"Bella," he sighed. "Really, what were you thinking!"And so I started to cry. The tears welled up and then gushed50 miserably51 down my cheeks.
"I knew it," I sobbed52. "I knew I was dreaming.""You're impossible," he said, and he laughed once—a hard laugh, frustrated53. "How can I put this so thatyou'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always lovedyou, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that Iwas away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy54."I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze55 from the corners of my eyes.
"You don't believe me, do you?" he whispered, his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that evenin the dim light. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?""It never made sense for you to love me," I explained, my voice breaking twice. "I always knew that."His eyes narrowed, his jaw56 tightened.
"I'll prove you're awake," he promised.
He caught my face securely between his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my headaway.
"Please don't," I whispered.
He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine.
"Why not?" he demanded. His breath blew into my face, making my head whirl.
"When I wake up"—He opened his mouth to protest, so I revised—"okay, forget that one—when youleave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."He pulled back an inch, to stare at my face.
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need toknow why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, asI meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare myfeelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you.
Can you?" he whispered.
"What kind of an idiotic57 question is that?""Just answer it. Please."I stared at him darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I loveyou—and there's nothing you can do about it!""That's all I needed to hear."His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn't fight him. Not because he was so many thousand timesstronger than me, but because my will crumbled58 into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quiteas careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, Imight as well get as much in trade as possible.
So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned topanting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine,and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world that would have justifiedmissing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief secondswhen his lips were free, he whispered my name.
When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.
I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping59 to slow and quiet.
"By the way," he said in a casual tone. "I'm not leaving you."I didn't say anything, and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence.
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," he added moreseriously.
"I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. Icould see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you awayfrom the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had todo something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what Iwanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strongenough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't besafe, no matter how many miles I put between us.""Don't promise me anything," I whispered. If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing… that would killme. Where all those merciless vampires60 had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job.
Anger glinted metallic61 in his black eyes. "You think I'm lying to you now?""No—not lying." I shook my head, trying to think it through coherently. To examine the hypothesis thathe did love me, while staying objective, clinical, so I wouldn't fall into the trap of hoping. "You couldmean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the firstplace? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"He flinched62.
I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me, tried to see them through the filter ofwhat he was telling me now. From that perspective, imagining that he'd left me while loving me, left mefor me, his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning. "It isn't as if you hadn't thought thefirst decision through, is it?" I guessed. "You'll end up doing what you think is right.""I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much tome; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to livethrough one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was onlya matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take meback. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."I grimaced. "Be serious, please.""Oh, I am," he insisted, glaring now. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let meattempt to explain what you mean to me?"He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of lightand reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; therewas brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon,everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see thestars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other wayaround.
"Your eyes will adjust," I mumbled.
"That's just the problem—they can't.""What about your distractions64?"He laughed without a trace of humor. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction63 from the… theagony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart wasgone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." "That's funny," I muttered.
He arched one perfect eyebrow15. "Funny? ""I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able toreally breathe in so long." I filled my lungs, luxuriating in the sensation. "And my heart. That was definitelylost."He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again. I let my cheek press against his hair, felt thetexture of it on my skin, smelled the delicious scent of him.
"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" I asked, curious, and also needing to distract myself. I was verymuch in danger of hoping. I wouldn't be able to stop myself for long. My heart throbbed65, singing in mychest.
"No." He sighed. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.""What does that mean?""It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get awaywith… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false leaddown to Brazil—and really she came here." He groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all thewhile, worse than my worst fears—""You were hunting Victoria?" I half-shrieked as soon as I could find my voice, shooting through twooctaves.
Charlie's distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.
"Not well," Edward answered, studying my outraged66 expression with a confused look. "But I'll do betterthis time. She won't be tainting67 perfectly68 good air by breathing in and out for much longer.""That is… out of the question," I managed to choke out. Insanity69. Even if he had Emmett or Jasper helphim. Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help. It was worse than my other imaginings: Jacob Blackstanding across a small space from Victoria's vicious and feline70 figure. I couldn't bear to picture Edwardthere, even though he was so much more durable71 than my half-human best friend.
"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"I interrupted him again, trying to sound calm. "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" Iasked, fighting the words as I said them, nor letting them plant themselves in my heart. "That isn't exactlycompatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"He frowned. A snarl72 began to build low in his chest. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria"—thesnarl became more pronounced—"is going to die. Soon.""Let's not be hasty," I said, trying to hide my panic. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probablyscared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems thanVictoria."Edward's eyes narrowed, but he nodded. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."I snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescentwolves getting themselves into trouble." Edward looked as if he were about to say something, and then thought better of it. His teeth clickedtogether, and he spoke through them. "Really?" he asked. "Then what would be your greatest problem?
That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?""How about the second greatest?" I hedged.
"All right," he agreed, suspicious.
I paused. I wasn't sure I could say the name. "There are others who are coming to look for me," Ireminded him in a subdued73 whisper.
He sighed, but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after his response to Victoria.
"The Volturi are only the second greatest?""You don't seem that upset about it," I noted74.
"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than itdoes to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you werethirty before you crossed their minds again," he added lightly.
Horror washed through me.
Thirty.
So his promises meant nothing, in the end. If I were going to turn thirty someday, then he couldn't beplanning on staying long. The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize that I'd already begun tohope, without giving myself permission to do 5.0.
"You don't have to be afraid," he said, anxious as he watched the tears dew up again on the rims75 of myeyes. "I won't let them hurt you.""While you're here." Not that I cared what happened to me when he left.
He took my face between his two stone hands, holding it tightly while his midnight eyes glared into minewith the gravitational force of a black hole. "I will never leave you again.""But you said thirty," I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. "What? You're going to stay, but letme get all old anyway? Right."His eyes softened76, while his mouth went hard. "That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I?
I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.""Is this really…" I tried to keep my voice even, but this question was too hard. I remembered his facewhen Aro had almost begged him to consider making me immortal77. The sick look there. Was this fixationwith keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasn't sure that he wanted me aroundthat long?
"Yes?" he asked, waiting for my question.
I asked a different one. Almost—but not quite—as hard.
"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" My voicewas pale with revulsion—I could see Gran's face again in the dream mirror.
His whole face was soft now. He brushed the tears from my cheek with his lips. "That doesn't meananything to me," he breathed against my skin. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world.
Of course…" He hesitated, flinching78 slightly. "If you outgrew79 me—if you wanted something more—Iwould understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly80 sincere. He spoke as if he'd put endless amounts of thought into thisasinine plan.
"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" I demanded.
He'd thought about this part, too. "I'll follow after as soon as I can.""That is seriously…"I looked for the right word. "Sick.""Bella, it's the only right way left—""Let's just back up for a minute," I said; feeling angry made it so much easier to be clear, decisive. "Youdo remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of metillI'm thirty"—I hissed81 the word—"do you really think they'll forget?""No," he answered slowly, shaking his head. "They won't forget. But…""But?"He grinned while I stared at him warily82. Maybe I wasn't the only crazy one.
"I have a few plans.""And these plans," I said, my voice getting more acidic with each word. "These plans all center aroundme staying human."My attitude hardened his expression. "Naturally." His tone was brusque, his divine face arrogant83.
We glowered84 at each other for a long minute.
Then I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I pushed his arms away so that I could sit up.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, and it made my heart flutter to see that this idea hurt him, thoughhe tried not to show it.
"No," I told him. "I'm leaving."He watched me suspiciously as I climbed out of the bed and fumbled85 around in the dark room, lookingfor my shoes.
"May I ask where you are going.'" he asked.
"I'm going to your house," I told him, still feeling around blindly.
He got up and came to my side. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?""My truck.""That will probably wake Charlie," he offered as a deterrent86.
I sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really getin?""None. He'll blame me, not you.""If you have a better idea, I'm all ears.""Stay here," he suggested, but his expression wasn't hopeful.
"No dice87. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," I encouraged, surprised at how natural myteasing sounded, and headed for the door.
He was there before me, blocking my way.
I frowned, and turned for the window. It wasn't really that far to the ground, and it was mostly grassbeneath…"Okay," he sighed. "I'll give you a ride."I shrugged88. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too.""And why is that?""Because you're extraordinarily89 opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views.""My views on which subject?" He asked through his teeth.
"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." My own personaluniverse was, of course, a different story. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over somethingas stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.""A say in what?" he asked, each word distinct.
"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."
23 真相
我感觉我已经睡了很久了——我的身体都僵硬了。就好像我一直都没有动过一下。我的思想很恍惚，而且迟钝。奇怪的，混乱的梦——梦和无法摆脱的恐惧——在我脑里不停的旋转，让人头晕眼花。他们是如此生动，可怕的和神圣的，都混在了一切形成了怪诞的大杂烩。有锐利的急躁和恐惧。也有一部分令人沮丧的梦，在某个地方，你的双脚不能走的够快。。。
而且有很多的怪物，在他们的上流社会中，红眼睛的恶魔全都更苍白恐怖。梦还很清晰—我几乎能记住那些名字。但是最强大，最清晰的部分不是恐惧。是最洁净的天使。
很难让他离开并且醒来。这个梦不想被乱堆进我拒绝再临的梦的墓穴。我与它搏斗着当我的思想变得越来越警觉，聚焦真实。我想不起来今天是星期几。但是我确定雅各布或者学校或者工作或者其他的什么事在等着我。我深深地吸了口气，想着怎样面对新的一天。
什么冰冷的东西轻柔地碰了碰我前额
我的眼睛闭的更紧了，我还在做梦，并且感觉异常真实。我是如此接近醒来。。让你和现在一秒，都将逝去。
但是我一直到它感觉太真实了，对我而言真实的太好了。我想象着的包裹着我的石质的手臂太真实了。如果我让思绪走的更远一些的话，我不久就会后悔的。随着一声顺从的叹气。我猛的睁开了眼睛来驱散这些幻觉。
“哦！”我喘着气，将拳头丢向眼睛。
好吧，显然我走的太远了。让我的幻想这么信马由缰的行走实在是个错误。好吧。“让”是个错误的词。我强迫他逃脱控制——悄悄的跟着我的幻觉很美妙——而现在，我的思绪已经被折断了。
看起来我是在不到半秒前才意识到的，如果我现在真的疯了，我兴许也会享受着那些愉快的错觉。
我再一次睁开了眼睛，爱德华还在那里，他完美的脸距离我的脸只有几英寸。
“我吓到你了吗？“他低沉的声音很急切。这棒极了，就像幻觉那样。那张脸，那声音，那声音，那气味，所有的东西——比溺死要好多了。我幻觉中的美丽的人观察着我不断变化的表情，忧虑极了。他的虹膜时深黑的，还有一圈一圈的阴影在下面。这让我很惊讶，我幻想中的爱德华通常都是精神奕奕的。
我眨了两下眼，拼命的想要想起来我确实真实的最后一样事。爱丽丝是我梦中的一部分，并且我想知道她到底有米有真的回来过，还是那只是序言。我想她在我快要溺死的那一天回来了。
“哦，大便” 我发牢骚。我的嗓子睡得很粗。
“怎么了，贝拉?”
我皱着眉不开心的望着他。他的脸比之前更急切了。
“我死了，对吗？”我抱怨道。“我溺死了，大便！这会杀了查理!”
爱德华也皱眉了，“你没有死。”
“那为什么我还没有醒来？” 我质问他，挑起了眉毛。
“你醒了，贝拉”
我摇了摇头。“当然，当然。那是你想让我想的事。当我确实醒了之后会更糟。如果我醒了，我当然不会，因为我死了。这是很难受的。可怜的查理,蕾妮和JAKE。。。”我为我所做的事情陷入了深深的恐惧中。
“我知道你可能把我和噩梦搞混了”他短暂的微笑变得憨严厉。“但是我不能想象你能做了什么会落到地狱里。在我不在的时候你犯下了很多凶杀案吗？”
我做了个鬼脸。“当然没有了。如果我在地狱，你就会不会和我在一起了。”
他叹了一口气。
我的头脑越来越清晰了。我的眼睛闪烁着离开了他的脸——极不情愿的——有那么一秒，面对黑暗，打开窗户，然后又回到了他那儿。我开始回忆细节。。然后我感觉到微弱的，不熟悉的，让人脸红的温暖了我颧骨的皮肤，这时我慢慢意识到爱德华是真实的，真的和我在这儿，而卧却像个傻瓜一样在浪费时间。
“那所有的一切都真的发生了吗?”很难让人相信我的梦居然时真实的。我不能总结我脑里的那些概念。
“那分情况了”爱德华的微笑还是很严厉。“如果你指的是我们在意大利几乎要被杀的事，那么是真的”
他转了转眼睛。“或许你应该再睡一觉。你的头脑不是很清楚。”
“我一点儿都不累。” 现在一切都清楚了。“现在几点了？我已经睡了多久？”
“只是第三天的早上，所以，差不多14个小时。”
当他说话的时候我展了展腰，我实在太僵硬了。
“查理?”我问
爱德华皱起了眉。“睡觉的呢。你应该或许知道我已经打破了规定。好吧，不是从技术层面上讲，因为他说我不准再踏进他的们，而我从窗户进来的。。。但是，目的很明显。”
“查理不准你进房子？”我问，不相信很快转变称了愤怒。
他的眼神很悲伤。“你还期待别的什么吗？”
我的眼神充满怒火。我准备去和我爸爸谈谈——也许这是个好时候去提醒他我已经成年了。这米什么大不了，当然，除了在原则上。不管怎么说，都没有理由颁发什么禁令。我扭转我的想法，尽量少一些伤害。
“故事是什么？”我问，由衷的好奇，但是也尽力的想保持听谈话的漫不经心，我牢牢的控制住自己，这样我就不会害怕他被我体内汹涌的纷乱的痛苦的欲望给吓走了。
“你指什么?”
“我该告诉查理什么呢？我失踪的理由时什么？不管怎么说，我走了多久？” 我试图计算出时间。
“只有三天。”他的眼睛绷紧了，但是他这次笑的更自然了。“实际上，我希望你有一个好的解释。我什么都没有。”
我抱怨道，“太好了~！”
“恩，或许爱丽丝可以想出点儿什么。”他建议说，试图安慰我。
现在我感觉很好。谁在乎我以后要面对什么呢？他在这里的每一秒——如此接近，他的完美的脸在从我的闹钟上的数字发出的昏暗光线下显得光辉而美好——这是如此珍贵而不能舍弃。
“所以”我说道，选择最不重要的——尽管仍然极为有趣的问题去开始。我被安全的解救回家，而他可能在任何一个时刻选择离开。我不得不和他继续谈话。此外，这暂时的天堂没有了他的声音并不完整。“直到三天前，你究竟都在干什么？”
他的脸在一瞬间变得小心翼翼。“不可怕，也不令人兴奋。”
“当然不了”我嘟哝着。
“你为什么做出那个样子？”
“恩。。。”我皱起嘴唇，考虑着。“如果你是，终究只是一场梦，那确实是你会说的话。我的幻想一定被用完了。”
他叹了口气，“如果我告诉了你，希望你最终会相信你不是做了一场噩梦？”
“噩梦！”我轻蔑的重复着。他在等我的回答。“也许，”我考虑了几秒钟说道。“如果你告诉我。”
“我。。。去捕猎了。”
“那就是你能做的最好的事了吗？”我对他非难。“那确切的说并不证明我是醒着的。”
他犹豫着，慢慢说道，用他关切的词语。“我不是在捕猎食物。。。我实际上是在试图跟踪。。。我并不是很擅长。”
“你在跟踪什么呢？”我问道，这激起了我的兴趣。
“没什么结果。”他的话并不搭配他的表情。他看起来很不安，很不舒服。
“我不明白。”
他犹豫着，他的脸，在闹钟的墨绿色光线的投影下，一闪一闪的。被撕扯开。
“我——”他深呼吸了一口。“我欠你一个道歉。不，当然我欠你很多，比那更多。但是你必须知道”——话语开始流动的很快，在我记忆中有时当他很焦虑时会这么说话，我真正不得不集中精神去听他说话。“我不知道。我没有意识到我所留下的困境。我以为你在这里是安全的，这么安全。我不知道维多利亚”当他说道那个名字时，他的嘴唇卷起来了。“会回来。我承认，当我看到她那次时，我把过多的注意放到詹姆斯的想法上了。但是我只是没看到她会这样答复。她竟然和他有这样的联系。我想我意识到为什么现在——她如此确信他，他思想的失灵没有发生在她身上。 这是她过度自信的感觉笼罩了他——那使我看不到深处，那儿的联系。”
“那不是我留你去面对那一切的理由。当我听到你告诉爱丽丝的——她自己所看见的——当我意识到你不得不将自己的生命交付给浪人，不成熟的，易变的，在那儿除了维多利亚之外的最坏的东西——他战栗着，喷涌而出的话语也停顿了几秒钟。”请你相信我不知道这一切。我感觉生病了一样，病入膏肓，哪怕是现在，可以看见你，可以感觉到你安全的在我的臂弯之中时。我是最可怜的借口——”
“停下来”我打断了他。他用极其痛苦的目光凝视着我，我想要找到哪句话——那句能够让他从让他如此痛苦的设想中的责任中解脱的话。这些很难说出口。我不知道我是否能消除它们而不破坏什么。但是我尽力正确的去做。我不想成为他生命中内疚和痛苦的根源。他应该高兴，不管我为之付出了什么。
我确实希望能够延迟我们的最后一次谈话。它将把事情如此之快的带向结尾。
我利用几个月的练习和努力想对查理表现的正常一些，我的嘴变得很流利。
“爱德华”我说。他的名字灼烧着我的喉咙快要废了。我可以感觉到孔眼里的幽灵，正等着当他一消失就把它撕扯的更大。我完全不知道我这次要怎么去拯救它。“现在不得不停止了。你不能那样想事情。你不能让这。。。这罪恶感。。。左右的人生。你不能为我在这儿发生的事情负责。这不是你的错，这只是生活给我的一部分。因此，如果我被一辆公车撞到了或者下次发生了什么，你必须意识到承担指责并不是你的工作。你不能就这样跑去意大利仅仅因为你没有救我而感到伤心。即使我跳下悬崖死了，那也是我的选择，并不是你的错。我知道那是你。。。你的天性去承担所有事情的罪责，但是你实在不应该让它把你逼的这么过分！这是非常不负责任的——想象埃斯梅和卡莱尔和——我快要失去它了。我停下来深吸一口气，想要镇静下来。我必须解救他，我必须确定这不会再发生了。
“ISABELLA MARIE SWAN”他耳语道，他的脸上掠过最奇怪的表情。他看起来几乎疯了。“你相信我请求VOLTURI 处死我因为我感到内疚吗？”
“感到内疚？强烈的是这样。比你能理解的要多。”
“那么。。。你说什么？我不明白。”
“贝拉，我去VOLTURI那儿时因为我以为你死了。”他说，声音很柔和，眼神狂热。“即使我没有导致你的死亡”——他颤抖着当他说最后一个单词时——“即使那不是我的错，我也会去意大利。很显然，我应该更仔细，我应该直接和爱丽丝说话，比从罗莎莉那儿知道来的强。但是，事实上，当那个男孩说查理在葬礼上时我应该怎么想呢？几率是多少？”
“几率。。。”他喃喃自语，恍惚着。他的嗓音如此低沉，我不确定挺的对不对。“几率总是成堆的摆在我们面前，错误紧接着错误。我不会再责怪罗莎莉了。”
“但是我还是不明白”我说。“那是我的事。那有怎么样呢？”
“什么？”、
“我死了又怎么样呢？”
他怀疑的盯着我看了好长时间才回答。“你难道不记得我以前告诉过你的事情了吗？”
“我记得每一件你所告诉我的事情。“包括那些否定了其他的的话。”
他刷着他冰冷的指尖对着我的下嘴唇。“贝拉，你看起来误解什么了。” 他闭上眼睛，来回摇着头，脸上挂着一半微笑。那不是高兴的笑容。“我以为我已经解释的很清楚了。贝拉，我不能生活在没有的世界。”
“我。。。”我的头开始眩晕当我寻找合适的词时。“糊涂了。”是的，我无法理解他所说的。
他的目光直射入我的眼睛，真挚而热切。“我是一个好的说谎者，贝拉，我必须是。”
我像被冻结了，我的力量好像被抽空了一样。我胸口泛起错乱的波纹，它的痛苦带走了我的呼吸。
他摇晃着我的肩膀，尽力放松我僵硬的姿势。“让我说完！我是个好的说谎者，但是仍然，对于你而言相信我太快了。”他退缩着。“那。。很痛苦。”
我等着，仍然觉得被冻结了。
“当我们在森林的时候，当我和你说再见时——”
我不允许自己去想起。我尽力使自己只注意当前的这一秒。
“你不准备让我走。”他耳语着。“我能看出来。我不想那么做，那么做像是杀了我一样，但我知道如果我不能使你信服我不再爱你了，那只会让你花费更长的时间去适应你的生活。我希望那样，如果你认为我走开了，那你也会。”
“干净的分手”我没嘴低语着。
“确实。但是我从未幻想过这很容易做到！我认为这几乎不可能——你会如此相信我对你说的数个小时的谎言，甚至把怀疑的种子种到了你的脑中。我说谎了，我是如此抱歉——因为我伤害了你，因为这是无价值的努力。我抱歉我不能保护你。我撒谎说我是在救你，但是这不起作用。我真的很抱歉。”
“但是你怎么会相信我呢？在我说了上千遍的我爱你之后，你怎么会让一句话打破了你对我的信任呢？”
我没有回答。我太震惊了，没法形成一个合理的答复。
“我可以从你的眼里看到，你诚实地相信我不再想要你了。最荒谬的，最不可思议的事——就像我有什么办法能让我不需要你而活下去！”
我仍然感觉像被冻结了。他的话这么不可思议，因为它们太不可能了。
他再一次摇晃着我的肩膀，不很用力，但足以让我的牙齿来回碰撞。
“贝拉”他叹息着，“你到底在想什么！”
我哭了起来。眼泪像泉水般涌出来，滔滔不绝的流过我的面颊。
“我知道”我哭着说。“我知道我在做梦。”
“这是不可能的”他说着，最终笑了起来——僵硬的笑，灰心丧气的。“我该怎么做你才能相信我？你不是在睡觉，你也没有死。而我很爱你。我一直都那么爱你，并将一直爱下去。我成天都在想着你，在我不在的日子里，我每一秒都在脑海中念着你。当我告诉你我不想要你时，那是最黑暗最可耻的亵渎。”
眼泪不停的从眼角里渗出，我狠狠的摇了摇头。
“你不相信我，是吗？”他耳语着，他的脸比平常更苍白了。——甚至时在昏暗的灯光下我都可以看见。“为什么你可以相信谎言，却不相信事实呢？”
“对你而言，没有任何意义来爱我。”我解释道，我的声音破碎了两次。“我一直都知道”
他的眼睛紧缩着，下颚变紧了。
“我会证明你是醒着的”他保证道。
他把我的脸安全地捧在他像烙铁一样的手间，我想要扭过头去，他却完全无视我的挣扎。
“请不要”我低声说。
他停下了，他的嘴唇只离我的有半英寸。
“为什么不？”他询问，他的呼吸喷在我脸上，我的头一阵眩晕。
“当我醒来时”——他张开嘴要抗议，因此我改口说“好吧，忘了吧——当你再次离开，没有这些我也已经够难熬了。”
他向后退了一英寸，盯着我的脸。
“昨天，当我想碰你的时候，你也是这样。。犹豫，这么小心，现在也一样我必须知道为什么。是因为我太迟了吗？因为你变心了。就像我对你而言一样？那将是。。。非常公平。我不会辩驳你的决定。所以别试着分享我的感情，请——告诉我你现在是否还能爱我，在经过了我对你做的这些事后，你能吗？”他耳语着。
“这是多么愚蠢的问题啊？”
“回答它，求你。”
我长时间的深深的凝望着他。“我对你的感情永远都不会变。我当然爱你——你做什么都阻止不了我！”
“这就是我想要听的全部”
他的嘴唇覆上了我的，而我不能抗拒他。并不是因为他比我强壮一千倍，而是因为当我们嘴唇相碰的那一刹那，我的意志就瓦解的烟消云散了。这个吻并不像我记忆里的吻那样小心翼翼，极好的配合我。如果我想把自己进一步撕裂的话，我也许同样会索取尽可能多来交易。
因此我回吻他，我的心怦怦的猛跳出杂乱的节奏，我的呼吸变成了喘息，手指也贪婪的移到了他的脸上。我可以感觉到他大理石般的身体紧贴着我身体的每一条曲线，而我时如此开心他没有听到我——这个世界上没有痛苦可以大过错过这些。他的手记下了我脸的轮廓，我也以相同的方式追寻着他，在短短的几秒钟后，当他的嘴松开，就地狱着我的名字。
当我感到眩晕时，他移动了。只把耳朵贴在我的心上。
我躺在那儿，有点恍惚，等着我的喘息平静下来。
“顺便说一句”他随意地说道，“我不会再离开你。”
我什么也没说，他似乎在听我沉默中的怀疑态度。
他抬起脸使得我只能望着他。“我哪儿也不去。没有你我那儿也不去。”他又严肃的加了一句。
“我只把你放在首位因为我想你有机会过一种正常的，高兴的，人类的生活。我看见了我对你做了什么——持续不断的吧你推向危险的边缘，把你带出你所属于的世界，我和你在一起的每一秒都在威胁着你的生命。因此我只好试试。我不能不做些什么，而看起来，离开时唯一的方法。如果我不是认为你会过的更好，我永远都不会让自己离开的。我实在是太自私了。只有你比我所想要的更重要。。。我所需要的。我所需要的就是和你在一起。而且我明白我永远不会强大到能够再次离开。我有太多的理由要留下了——感谢上帝！无论我离你多远，你都不会安全的。”
“不要向我保证任何事。”我低声说。如果我让自己有希望，那么我就会失望。。。。那会杀了我的。那些残忍的吸血鬼不会完结我的生命，但希望会。
愤怒在他的眼里闪耀着金属般的光芒.“你是说我在骗你了？”
“不——不是骗”我摇着头，试图连贯地想清楚。我要保持客观的，临床的检验他确实爱我的这个假设，这样我才不会掉进希望的圈套中。“你可以想。。。现在。但是明天会怎么样？当你考虑让你留在这儿的所有理由的首位时？或者下个月，当JASPER 咬我时？”
他退缩了。
我又回想起在他离开我之前的最后的那段日子，想要从他现在告诉我的话中过滤出那些时光。从那个视角看来，想象他爱着我却离开了我，为了我而离开我，他的沉思和冷漠都有了不一样的意义。“这不是好像你没有考虑过第一个决定的通过，是吗？”我猜道“你最终会做你所认为时正确的。”
“我不像你所信任的那么强大”他说。“对与错对我来讲已经没什么意义了，不管怎样我回来了。在ROSALIE告诉我消息之前，我已经在想方设法的熬过每一个星期，甚至是每一天。我在斗争着去度过每一个独自一人的小时。这只是时间的问题——并且不会很久——在我来到你窗前并乞求你带我回来之前.我现在很高兴乞求，如果你喜欢那样。”
我扮出苦相。“请严肃点儿”
“哦，我会的。”他强调，现在怒视着我。“你会乐意听到我要告诉你的吗？你会让我解释你对我来说意味着什么吗？”
他等着，研究着我的脸，以确定当他说话的时候我在听。
“在你之前，贝拉，我的生活就像时没有月亮的深夜。非常黑暗，但是有星星——星星点点的光亮和理由。。。。然而，你划过我的天空就像是流星一样。突然一切都被点燃了，我拥有了灿烂，拥有了美丽。可当你消失之后，当流星落在了地平线上，一切都归于黑暗之中。没有什么被改变了，但是我的眼睛却被那光亮灼吓了。我再也看不见星星了。而世间的任何事情也再也没有理由。”
我想要相信他。但是这是他所描述的我没有他的日子，不是相反的他的。
“你的眼睛会适应的。”我嘟囔着。
“这就是问题所在——他们适应不了。”
“那你平常消遣吗？”
、他大笑起来，没有一点儿幽默的痕迹。“只是谎言的一部分，亲爱的。没有消遣来自于。。痛苦。我的心已经跳动了快九十年了，但是这不一样。就好像我的心不见了，好像我是个空壳。就像我把心里的一切都留在这里陪着你。“
“那很有趣。”我轻声低语。
他弓起了一边完美的眉毛，“有趣？”
“我是说很奇怪——我以为这应该是我。我被分成了很多块，也不见了。我事实上不能真正的呼吸这么久。”我鼓起我的肺部，沉迷于这样的感觉中。“还有我的心。它的确是不见了。”
他闭上了眼睛把耳朵再一次贴在了我的心上。我的脸轻轻靠在他的头发上，感受着那贴在我肌肤上的感觉，闻着他身上芬芳的味道。
“跟踪不是你的一项消遣吗？“我问道，好奇的，也想要让自己转移注意力。我沉浸在希望中太危险了。我无法长时间的阻止自己，我的心在跳动，在我的胸腔中歌唱。
“不”他叹息道。“那绝不是消遣。那是责任。”
“那是什么意思？”
“意思是，尽管我不盼望由维多利亚所带来的危险，我也不准备让他逃脱。。。恩，就像我说的，这对我而言糟糕透了。我跟踪她直到德克萨斯州，但是我跟随错误的引导去了巴西——事实上她却到了这里。“他抱怨着。“我几乎不在正确的那个州！并且始终比我最大的恐惧还要坏——”
“你在捕捉维多利亚?”我半尖叫着，当我发现我的声音居然跨越了两个八度。
查理在远处的打鼾声停顿了，然后又以一个均称的节奏再次响起。
“不是很好”爱德华回答说，研究着我脸上困惑和震惊的表情。“但是我这次会做的更好，她不会再以一进一出的呼吸来污染洁净的空气太长时间了。”
“那是。。。。绝对做不到的” 我快要窒息了。太疯狂了。即使他有埃美特和贾斯帕帮忙。这比我其他的幻想要糟糕多了：雅各布站在离恶毒的像猫一样的维多利亚不远的整个小空间里。我不能忍受想象爱德华站在那里，即使他比我那个半人好朋友更持久。
“对她来说已经太晚了。我可能会让其他的时间溜走，担不是现在，不是在经过——”
我又一次打断了他，尽力让自己听起来很镇定。“你不是刚刚承诺过你不会离开吗？”我问他，当我说这些字母的时候努力赶走他们，而不是让他们在我心里生根发芽。“那和不断眼神的跟踪探险队是不匹配的，不是吗？”
他皱起了眉。他的胸中响起了一阵低沉的怒吼。“我会遵守诺言的，贝拉。但是维多利亚”——怒吼更明显了——“必须要死，尽快。”
“我们不要这么草率。”我说，极力掩饰我的惊慌。“也许她不会再回来了。JAKE的队伍可能把她吓走了呢。实在没有必要去寻找她了。另外，我已经遇到了比维多利亚更大的麻烦。”
爱德华的眼睛缩紧了，但是他点了点头。“是这样。狼人是个麻烦。”
我哼着鼻子说，“我说的不是雅各布。我的麻烦比那糟糕多了，是一小撮青春期狼人正在把他们自己陷入麻烦中。”
爱德华看起来似乎想要对此说些什么，但最后想了想作罢了。他的牙齿发出咔哒咔哒的声音，而他通过它们说出了话。“真的吗？”他问道，“那什么是你最大的麻烦呢？与之相比，维多利亚的归来对你而言会这么微不足道？”
“第二大的怎么样？”我遮掩道。
“好吧”他怀疑的同意了。
我暂停了。我不确定我可以说那个名字。“还有别人在寻找我。”我抑制着声音提醒他。
他叹了口气，但是在我看到他对维多利亚的反应之后，他的回响并不像我想的那么强烈。
“维多利亚只是第二重要的？”
“你看起来并不是很担心嘛”我注意到。
“好吧，我们有很长的时间去彻底的全面考虑。时间对于他们而言时非常不同的，相当于你，甚至是我来讲。他们数年就像你数日子。我丝毫不会觉得惊讶，如果你再一次遇到了他们，那时候你已经过了30了”他轻微的补充说。
恐惧又一次淹没了我。
三十岁。
所以他的承诺一文不值。最终，如果我有一天三十岁了，那么他不可能计划呆在我身边更长久。了解这个所带来的严厉的痛楚让我意识到我还没有取得自己的允许就已经开始在希望了。
“你用不着害怕。”他说，看到我的眼泪又一次从眼眶中奔涌而出，他看起来焦虑极了。“我不会让他们伤害你的。”
“当你在这儿的时候。”不是我所在乎的当他离开之后所发生在我身上的事。
他用石质一般的手臂捧起我的脸，紧紧地托住。他那午夜时分的眼睛散发着耀眼的强光直射我眼底，就像是受重力影响的黑洞一样吸引着我。“我永远不会再离开你了。”
“你是你说了三十岁”我低语着。泪水又涌上眼眶。“什么？你是要留下，却看着我渐渐的变老? ”
“ 对。” 他的眼神变得柔和，但他的嘴却变得僵硬起来。“那就是我准备要做的事。我有选择吗？我不能失去你，但是我绝不会摧毁你的灵魂。”
“这真实。。。”我努力克制自己的声音，但这个问题太残酷了。我还记得当阿罗几近恳求的要他考虑让我不死时，他的脸是怎样的。那是病人的脸色。究竟是保持我人类的身份真的会关系到我的灵魂，还是因为他根本不确定他愿意让我在他身边待上那么久？
“怎么了？”他问我，等着我的问题。
我问了一个别的问题。几乎——不那么——一样残酷。
“但是当我变得非尝老以至于人们觉得我是你的母亲该怎么办呢？你的祖母？”我的声音如此苍白并且发生的巨变。我又看见在梦境里奶奶的那张脸了。
他整张脸现在都变得柔和了起来。他用嘴唇吻掉了我脸上的泪珠。“那对我来说没有任何意义”他呼出的气喷到我的皮肤上。“在我的世界里，你永远时最美好的事物。当然。。”他踌躇着，轻微的退缩着。“如果你看起来比我年长——如果你想要别的什么的话——我会理解的，BELLA。我保证如果你想要离开我，我不会阻挡你的。”
他的眼睛像晶莹的玛瑙，十分地诚恳。他那么说着好像已经把最后的想法加进了他那该死的蠢主意里了。
“你已经意识到了我最终会死亡的，对吗？”我询问道。
他也已经想到了他的那部分。“我会一直跟随你，尽我所能。”
“这是很严重的。。。”我在寻找恰当的词“病态”
“贝拉，这是我们唯一剩下的路——”
“让我们都退一步，歇个一分钟吧”我说道，感觉愤怒让事情变得很容易清晰了，这是决定性的。“你记得VOLTURI，对吗？我不能作为人活一辈子，他们会杀了我的。即使他们到了我三十岁时还没有想起我——我发出嘶嘶声以表不满——“你真的认为他们会忘记吗？”
“不”他缓慢的回答说，摇了摇头。“他们不会忘记的，但是。。”
“但是？”
我小心翼翼的看着他，他咧开嘴笑了。也许我不是唯一疯了的那一个。
“我有一些计划”
“并且这些计划”我说道，我每说一个字，声音都变得更酸。“这些计划全都围绕着我作为一个人类”
我的态度使他的表情变得僵硬了。“当然”他的语气是那么唐突，那张神一样的面孔在此刻显得如此的狂妄自大。
我们盯着彼此看了好几分钟。
我深呼吸了一次，挺直我的双肩。我推开了他的手臂这样我可以坐起来。
“你想要我走吗？”他问我，这让我紧张的发现我的做法伤害了他，尽管他努力在掩饰。
“不”我告诉他，“我走”
他怀疑的看着我爬下床并在黑暗的房间里摸索着找我的鞋。
“我能问你你要去哪儿吗？”
“我要去你家”我告诉他，仍然觉得四周黑糊糊的。
他站起来走到了我身边。“这是你的鞋。你准备怎么去那儿呢？”
“我的卡车”“那样可能会吵醒查理”他威慑性的提议。
我叹了口气。“我知道，但是老实说，如果我那么做了我将会被监禁好几个星期的。我到底能惹上多少麻烦？”
“不会的。他会职责我，而不是你。”
“如果你有个好一点儿的主意，我会洗耳恭听的。”
“呆在这儿”他建议我，但是他的表情不是那么希望的。
“没门儿,但是你要大胆向前并使你自己呆在家里，”我鼓励道，惊讶的发现我戏弄的语气时多么自然，并且正向门走去。
他比我先到那儿，堵住了我的道儿。
我皱起了眉，随即象窗户走去。它离地面其实并不是那么高，而下方几乎全都覆盖着厚厚的草。。。
“好吧”他叹了口气，“我会载你一程。”
我耸了耸肩，“怎么都好，但是你可能也应该在那儿。”
“为什么？”
“因为你尤其固执己见，我确定你想找个机会陈述观点”
“我哪方面的意见？”他垫着牙问我
“反正和你无关，你知道，你并不是宇宙的中心。”我的小宇宙，当然，是一个不同寻常的故事。“如果你准备愚蠢的让我保持人类的身份而去打到VOLTURI的话，那么你的家人应该说些什么。”
“说什么？”他问倒，每一个字都很清楚。
“我的死亡概率。我准备弄一个投票。”
收听单词发音 |
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jumble
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| vt.使混乱，混杂；n.混乱；杂乱的一堆 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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frustrating
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| adj.产生挫折的，使人沮丧的，令人泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的现在分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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vault
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| n.拱形圆顶，地窖，地下室 | |
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inhaled
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| v.吸入( inhale的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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dispel
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| vt.驱走，驱散，消除 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 )；谬见；错觉；妄想 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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irises
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| n.虹( iris的名词复数 )；虹膜；虹彩；鸢尾（花） | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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preamble
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| n.前言；序文 | |
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croaked
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| v.呱呱地叫( croak的过去式和过去分词 )；用粗的声音说 | |
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eyebrow
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| n.眉毛，眉 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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grimaced
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| v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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flickered
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| （通常指灯光）闪烁，摇曳( flicker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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adulthood
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| n.成年，成人期 | |
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prohibition
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| n.禁止；禁令，禁律 | |
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frantic
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| adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的 | |
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gnawing
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| a.痛苦的，折磨人的 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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fabulous
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| adj.极好的；极为巨大的；寓言中的，传说中的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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wary
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| adj.谨慎的，机警的，小心的 | |
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mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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intrigued
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| adj.好奇的，被迷住了的v.搞阴谋诡计(intrigue的过去式)；激起…的兴趣或好奇心；“intrigue”的过去式和过去分词 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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immature
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| adj.未成熟的，发育未全的，未充分发展的 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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gush
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| v.喷，涌；滔滔不绝(说话)；n.喷，涌流；迸发 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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agonized
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| v.使（极度）痛苦，折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 )；苦斗；苦苦思索；感到极度痛苦 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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42
odds
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| n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别 | |
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dubiously
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| adv.可疑地，怀疑地 | |
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negated
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| v.取消( negate的过去式和过去分词 )；使无效；否定；否认 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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rippled
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| 使泛起涟漪（ripple的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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gushed
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| v.喷，涌( gush的过去式和过去分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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53
frustrated
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| adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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54
blasphemy
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| n.亵渎，渎神 | |
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55
ooze
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| n.软泥，渗出物；vi.渗出，泄漏；vt.慢慢渗出，流露 | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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crumbled
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| （把…）弄碎， （使）碎成细屑( crumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 衰落； 坍塌； 损坏 | |
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gasping
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| adj. 气喘的, 痉挛的 动词gasp的现在分词 | |
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vampires
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| n.吸血鬼( vampire的名词复数 )；吸血蝠；高利贷者；（舞台上的）活板门 | |
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metallic
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| adj.金属的；金属制的；含金属的；产金属的；像金属的 | |
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flinched
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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distractions
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| n.使人分心的事[人]( distraction的名词复数 )；娱乐，消遣；心烦意乱；精神错乱 | |
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throbbed
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| 抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 )； （心脏、脉搏等）跳动 | |
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outraged
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| a.震惊的，义愤填膺的 | |
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tainting
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| v.使变质( taint的现在分词 )；使污染；败坏；被污染，腐坏，败坏 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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feline
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| adj.猫科的 | |
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durable
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| adj.持久的，耐久的 | |
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snarl
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| v.吼叫，怒骂，纠缠，混乱；n.混乱，缠结，咆哮 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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rims
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| n.（圆形物体的）边( rim的名词复数 )；缘；轮辋；轮圈 | |
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softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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flinching
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的现在分词 ) | |
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outgrew
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| 长[发展] 得超过（某物）的范围( outgrow的过去式 )； 长[发展]得不能再要（某物）； 长得比…快； 生长速度超过 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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81
hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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warily
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| adv.留心地 | |
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arrogant
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| adj.傲慢的，自大的 | |
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84
glowered
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| v.怒视( glower的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85
fumbled
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| （笨拙地）摸索或处理（某事物）( fumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 乱摸，笨拙地弄； 使落下 | |
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86
deterrent
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| n.阻碍物，制止物；adj.威慑的，遏制的 | |
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87
dice
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| n.骰子；vt.把（食物）切成小方块，冒险 | |
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88
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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89
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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