“IF the Lord had not been on my side,” said Mr Myame, “when men rose up against me, they had swallowed me up quick when their wrath1 was kindled2 against me. Then the waters had overwhelmed me, the stream had gone over my soul.
“Yes, but thou spared him, Lord. His weeping was turned to joy. Blessed be the Lord who hath not given us a prey3 to their teeth. Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare4 of the fowlers; the snare is broken and we are escaped. Blessed words. Oh blessed words! So thou dealtest with thy servant David! So thou dealest with all sinners that repent6. And now — do I cry in vain? Are not these blessed words for me? Are not these words for me? Out of the darkness I cry. Let my cry come unto thee.”
It was late at night and he was in his study in sore tribulation7 Wrestling with the Spirit. For some months he had been living in a state of great spiritual contentment. Now suddenly a terrible darkness had closed in upon him. His sense of Divine Guidance had departed from him. He delivered these long treasured words with profound emphasis and paused. But there came no answer to him in the stillness without or within.
“Hide not thy face from me,” he resumed, “in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: In the day when I call, answer me speedily. For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burnt as an hearth8. My heart is smitten9, and withered10 like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread. By reason of the voice of my groaning11 my bones cleave12 to my skin. I am like a pelican13 of die wilderness14: I am like an owl5 of the desert. I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top. Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me. For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled15 my drink with weeping, because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.
No comfort came to him.
On the table in front of him was the One Good Book, and in his distress16 and search for guidance Mr Myame had resorted to an old-fashioned expedient17, opening the precious volume with his eyes shut, running his finger down the page, and then taking the verse on which it rested as his message. But his first verse had been Genesis x, 23, and the words were: “And the children of Aram; Uz and Hul, and Gether, and Mash18.”
He had pondered, but there was no light in that, none whatever. He had tried again and got First Chronicles xii, 27. It was just as opaque19. “And Jehoiada was the leader of the Aaronites, and with him were three thousand and seven hundred.”
“Three thousand and seven hundred,” he reflected. “No. It’s nothing like that. It isn’t anything like that. Anyhow.”
Then he had resorted to his well stored memory for consolation20 and found no consolation, neither wind, nor thunder, nor a still small voice. He stood, at the end of his tether, bowed down, helpless, God-forsaken.
Penitence21 and prayer. He knelt before his fireside chair and prayed. Prayed for light, prayed that at least he might know why the Spirit had gone out of him. And at last, still on his knees, he confessed. “I have sinned, Oh Heavenly Father. I am no more worthy22 to be called thy Son.”
A vast load upon his shoulders seemed to lighten. “I have sinned. I have been presumptuous23. I have taken upon myself —” He weighed his words carefully. “More than I should. . . .
“Not my will but thy will be done. . . .
“I presumed and thou has chastened me. But thou who readest the heart, thou knowest that in my pride it seemed to me that thou hadst delivered this task into my hands, to take this poor evil-hearted treacherous24 child and lead him into the light, to mould his heart and mind, and make him one of thy Holy Saints, to take him as my partner and at last my successor in this thy-school — for to Thee alone be the praise. To make this School a school of souls, a real Preparatory School for thy service, a centre of light in this dark world. . . . ”
The Divine Spirit made no audible reply, but it seemed now to Mr Myame that he or it was listening. The good man searched further into the situation.
“But that was not Thy way, Oh Lord. That was not Thy Will and thou hast chastened me. Thou hast raised up a serpent in my bosom25. . . . ”
For some moments Mr Myame was at a loss for words.
“He hath sharpened his tongue like a serpent. Adder’s poison is under his lips. Adder’s poison. The proud have laid a snare for me and cords; they have spread a net by the wayside; they have set gins for me,. . . . Heap burning coals upon him. . . . ”
He paused lest there should be any mistake about this. Then he resumed, addressing himself more particularly to Edward Albert.
“What shall be given unto thee or what shall be done unto thee, thou false tongue? Sharp arrows of the mighty26, with coals of jumper. Yea indeed. Coals of juniper. Woe27 is me that I dwell in the tents of Kedar! My soul hath long dwelt with him that hateth peace. . . . But that, Oh Lord, is all over now. I cast him forth28, according to thy will. Verily I cast him forth to have his part with the wicked. Forgive him, Lord, for he is young and foolish. Remember his transgression29 that at last he may find grace. Chasten me, yes, because I did not prove a better shepherd for him, but chasten him also! Chasten him too, Oh Lord. Chasten him and bring him back in thine own good time to thy salvation30.”
He paused and sighed heavily. He felt he was being very generous and that the Holy Spirit would appreciate this. Bunyan’s burthen was palpably lighter31 on his shoulders, but still it was there.
He rose slowly to his feet and stood and gloomed. He mingled a certain element of soliloquy with his next address to the eternal.
“If it is thy Will that I abase32 myself, thy Will be done. But Lord how can I pay it back? Thou knowest how matters stand. If I humble33 myself. If thou shouldst soften34 their hearts. If, for instance, part of it could be made into a mortgage, a first mortgage. . . . ”
Men’s judgments35 of their fellow men are too often crude and rash. Mr Myame was no Chadband after the fashion of Dickens’ cruel portrait. He was a sincere, earnest Believer. He would have been the first to disclaim36 intellectual power, He pretended to no great learning. It was only the very simplest members of the congregation who imagined that he could read the Scriptures37 in the original Greek and Hebrew. But like most of that little church he was rich in the Gifts of the Spirit. What are intellectual powers and learning when it comes to the Gifts of the Spirit? Given those, you can teach anybody everything that matters, here and hereafter. That has been the strength of Believers ever since Religion began.
The Gifts of the Spirit are so copious38, the inheritance of our common Christianity is so vast and various, that practically anything in the way of belief except Monism and Atheism40 can be picked out of its limitless treasury41 of exalting42 but contradictory43 statements and traditions. The orthodoxies and heresies44 alike are all no more than choice selections from that stupendous abundance. All the priestly religions have found it expedient for their own stability to restrain reference to the Holy Scriptures. But the invention of paper and of printing from movable type, let loose an unexpected flood of Bibles upon Christendom, and the Anabaptists, the General Baptists, the Particular Baptists and a great multitude of other non — conformists ensued.
None of this, by the way, is dissertation45 or generalisation or “ideas” or anything of that sort. There is no breach46 of our undertaking47 here. This is a plain and simple exposition of the fundamental processes that were going on in Mr Myame’s poor troubled hairy beetling48 head. He had been born into the little Camden Town church, and he had obeyed the injunction to search the Scriptures very faithfully. What his group of believers searched them for were scraps49 and phrases, often incomplete sentences or misapplied interpolations, that fell in with their already firmly established line of thought. They picked these out and let the rest of that unmanageable abundance slide. They were blind to it. The Bible abounds51 in contradictions of the most varied52 sort, and though there are millions of Bible Readers, pledged to get through the Word about every year or so, yet their Faith burns so brightly in them that not one of them seems ever to observe an inconsistency.
Mr Myame was a Trinitarian Bible Christian39 to the bone, and he had no doubt whatever that the Holy Ghost, having wantonly chosen him for salvation out of the general multitude of the hopelessly damned, was now, with the assistance of Almighty53 Providence54 engaged in an edifying55 wrestling match catch as catch can, with him for the good of his soul. The stars, the gulf56 of time, the intricate wonder of things unknown, were just the highly impressive but relatively57 insignificant58 adornment59 of the garment of this God who was trying out Mr Myame so sorely that night. There was not a scrap50 of make-believe about this superb wrestling match. He wrestled60 with his Deity61 in perfect good faith.
He and the Spirit were still battling darkly when he went upstairs.
His wife coughed and woke up.
“You are very late, Abner,” she said. “Is anything the matter?”
“The hand of the Lord is very heavy upon me,” he said. “He has — I can’t tell you. But a great darkness has come upon my soul.”
He divested62 himself of his upper garments in silence, assumed his long grey-green flannel63 nightshirt and then in all modesty64 removed his shoes and trousers. That, by the way, was as much as she had ever seen of him, and he had seen even less of her.
“I have sinned. I have been presumptuous and God has punished my pride. That boy Tewler. . . . ”
He paused.
“I always thought there was something a little sneakish about him.”
“I pray God that some day I may be able to forgive him,” he said.
Terrible words to say.
And in the night he tossed and worried and talked in his sleep. Sometimes he was praying. He was praying that he might be humble, that God would temper this cup to his lips, that he might be comforted and restored to God’s favour. And sometimes he seemed to be doing sums. And anon he seemed to be addressing himself to Edward Albert in language which, though generally scriptural, was invariably unpleasant. Towards morning he seemed to come to a definite conclusion. He spoke65 as if he was wide awake. “As the Scotch66 say, I must ‘dree my weird’,” he said in an exceedingly loud voice, and became quite still.
And presently he fell asleep with his mouth wide open, and snored.
“He giveth his beloved sleep,” whispered his devoted67 wife. She had followed all these distressful68 phenomena69 with sympathetic interest. It seemed he had fought a good fight and won. She stifled70 a fit of coughing for his sake. Presently she also sank into slumber71.
Such was the deep spiritual conflict through which Mr Myame passed, because these two worldlings in their so — called Reform Club made a net for his feet and compassed him about, and, understanding nothing of the matter, called him “Chadband.” Would a Chadband, a deliberate hypocrite, have achieved the stern self-abandonment with which he now set himself to readjust Edward Albert’s affairs? That strains the Chadband theory. And would a mere72 self — regarding Chadband have displayed the same intensity73 of indignation at the wickedness as he conceived it, of Edward Albert’s behaviour? His wrath was not after the manner of a Chadband, or a Chadband–Squeers; his wrath and anger were the wrath and anger of David King of Israel — in humbler circumstances, of course.
I do not know precisely74 what they mean, but the only words that occur to me to round off this description are
“Chadband forsooth!”
So let it rest at that.
Beyond all question Mr Myame was of the stuff that Saints are made of. This is before all things a truthful75 novel, and that is the truth about him — and about them.
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1
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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4
snare
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| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
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owl
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| n.猫头鹰，枭 | |
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repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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7
tribulation
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| n.苦难，灾难 | |
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8
hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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9
smitten
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| 猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去分词 ) | |
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10
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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11
groaning
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| adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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12
cleave
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| v．(clave；cleaved)粘着，粘住；坚持；依恋 | |
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13
pelican
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| n.鹈鹕，伽蓝鸟 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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15
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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16
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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18
mash
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| n.麦芽浆，糊状物，土豆泥；v.把…捣成糊状，挑逗，调情 | |
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opaque
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| adj.不透光的；不反光的，不传导的；晦涩的 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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penitence
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| n.忏悔，赎罪；悔过 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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presumptuous
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| adj.胆大妄为的，放肆的，冒昧的，冒失的 | |
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24
treacherous
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| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
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25
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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transgression
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| n.违背；犯规；罪过 | |
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salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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32
abase
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| v.降低，贬抑 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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34
soften
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| v.(使)变柔软；(使)变柔和 | |
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judgments
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| 判断( judgment的名词复数 )； 鉴定； 评价； 审判 | |
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36
disclaim
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| v.放弃权利，拒绝承认 | |
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37
scriptures
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| 经文，圣典( scripture的名词复数 )； 经典 | |
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38
copious
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| adj.丰富的，大量的 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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40
atheism
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| n.无神论，不信神 | |
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41
treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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42
exalting
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| a.令人激动的，令人喜悦的 | |
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43
contradictory
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| adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立 | |
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44
heresies
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| n.异端邪说，异教( heresy的名词复数 ) | |
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45
dissertation
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| n.（博士学位）论文，学术演讲，专题论文 | |
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46
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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47
undertaking
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| n.保证，许诺，事业 | |
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48
beetling
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| adj.突出的，悬垂的v.快速移动( beetle的现在分词 ) | |
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49
scraps
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| 油渣 | |
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50
scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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51
abounds
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| v.大量存在，充满，富于( abound的第三人称单数 ) | |
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52
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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53
almighty
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| adj.全能的，万能的；很大的，很强的 | |
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54
providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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55
edifying
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| adj.有教训意味的，教训性的，有益的v.开导，启发( edify的现在分词 ) | |
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56
gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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57
relatively
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| adv.比较...地，相对地 | |
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58
insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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59
adornment
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| n.装饰；装饰品 | |
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60
wrestled
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| v.（与某人）搏斗( wrestle的过去式和过去分词 )；扭成一团；扭打；（与…）摔跤 | |
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61
deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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62
divested
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| v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 )；脱去（衣服）；2。从…取去…；1。（给某人）脱衣服 | |
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63
flannel
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| n.法兰绒；法兰绒衣服 | |
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64
modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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65
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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66
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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67
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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distressful
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| adj.苦难重重的，不幸的，使苦恼的 | |
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phenomena
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| n.现象 | |
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70
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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71
slumber
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| n.睡眠，沉睡状态 | |
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72
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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73
intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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74
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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75
truthful
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| adj.真实的，说实话的，诚实的 | |
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