The Inspector was a big heavy man, big enough indeed to be a lot of people. Edward Albert watched him place a chair for himself in the middle of the room and adjust himself firmly to its creaking accommodation, rest his hands upon his thighs9 and stick out his elbows. “Edward Albert Tewler, I believe.” he said.
There is no hiding things from these detectives,
“Yes,” said Edward Albert and the word half choked him.
His mouth was dry with fear.
He glanced in hope of some moral support from Pip, but Pip appeared to be lost in admiration10 of Enfin seul.
“I’m told you engaged to marry my daughter and that at the very last moment when everything was prepared for the ceremony, you insulted her and everybody by absenting yourself, absenting yourself without leave, from the ceremony. Have I been correctly informed?”
“I really did ‘ave a temperature, Sir. Over 104 it was. Five degrees above normal.”
“Nothing to what you’ll have some day,” said the Inspector prosaically11.
“But Mr Chaser here knows — Reely, Sir.”
“We won’t argue about that. We won’t trouble Mr Chaser about that. I should say by the look of you she was well out of a thoroughly12 silly marriage, if it wasn’t —”
The Inspector stopped, unable to continue for a time. His face was suffused13, His mouth closed grimly and he appeared to be inhaling14 intensely. His eyes protruded15. He seemed to be swelling16. He must have been full of very highly compressed air. It looked as though he might explode at any moment, but as a matter of fact he was exercising self-control.
Mr Pip Chaser had stopped looking at the picture and had come round to a position from which to observe the Inspector better. Even his expression of expectant amusement was mitigated17 by a touch, of awe18. There was, if one may say so, a. sort of humming silence of apprehension19 throughout the room. What became: of all that air it is idle to speculate. It disappears from tills story. When the Inspector spoke20 his voice was calm and stern. He deflated21 imperceptibly.
“My daughter, if she is my daughter, was her mother’s child. That woman. — That woman brought disgrace upon my name. A wanton. A loose woman. And now. . . . Once again. No, I cannot have that sort of thing happen over again.”
“But I mean to marry her, Sir. I’m going to marry her.”
“You’d better. If you don’t —” And speaking as always, with the quiet dignity of a man accustomed to the use of studiously irreproachable22 language, he used these by no means irreproachable words: “I’ll bloody-well knock your silly block off for you! You understand me, Sir?”
“Yessir,” said Edward Albert.
“But then how are we going to do it? The mischief23 is done. Here’s everything disarranged and out of order. All her friends will know and talk. Well, Mr Chaser, you’ve a way of arranging things, she says, she says you can arrange Anything; and you know all these people better than I do. How you can arrange this now passes my imagination. What’s to be done?”
“Well,” said Pip. “If you ask me —~”
He came forward and stood for a moment with his mouth wide open, scratching his jaws24, “Hey”, he said, slowly and extensively. “Nothing irreparable has happened. First there’s this lie about the temperature.”
Edward Albert murmured a protest.
“Lie?” said the Inspector, looked hard at Edward Albert, and said no more.
“Pure lie,” said Pip, “I invented it and I ought to know. He hadn’t a temperature. He had — hey — cold feet. . . . Still, we ought to keep that up. And the sooner Evangeline shows anxiety about it, the better. We can say she’s been round already, in a dreadful state of mind. Oh, I know that’s not true, but — hey — we can say it. And then we can say there was a misunderstanding about the date. And I lost the ring and got confused. Blame it on to me. That’s what Best Men are for. Any old story, and the more stories there are, the better. We contradict vaguely26. We say to this man, ‘the fact of the matter is this’, and we say to that man, ‘the fact of the matter is that’. So everybody knows more than everybody else and we escape in the confusion. Just — hey — common sense, all that. The facts are bad. As you know, Sir, as your criminals know, the worse the facts are the more they have to be jumbled27 up. We aren’t going to have to be sifting28 the evidence, Sir, thank goodness. And the sooner we get the whole thing over, the better.”
“There I agree,” said the Inspector. “I stand by that firmly.”
“I’ll get busy,” said Puck–Pip. “I’ll do it.”
“But if there’s any more shilly-shally —”
“Block,” said Pip compactly, and turned to his client.
“You understand that, don’t you?”
Edward Albert nodded acquiescence29. The Inspector stood up slowly and towered over his prospective30 son-inlaw. He shook not so much a finger as the whole terror of Scotland Yard at him.
“That girl is going to be decently and properly married whether she likes it or not, whether you like it or not, whoever likes it or don’t like it”— he hesitated —“or not. Not twice will I have the honour of my family trailed in the mud. You marry her and you treat her properly. She’s got the temper of a vixen, I admit, but all the same she’s an educated young lady, and don’t you forget it. She’s a young lady and you’re no gentleman. . . . ”
He ceased to address Edward Albert. He soliloquised, looking over Pip’s head.
“I’ve often thought if perhaps I’d spanked31 her at times Or somebody had spanked her. I couldn’t have spanked her. . . . But there I was without a woman to care for her. . . . It’s no good crying over spilt milk. As a little kid. . . . If only she could have stayed always as a little kid. . . . She was such a bright little kid.”
The lament32 of the father through the ages. . . .
So in a confusion of explanations the wedding feast was restored to the calendar and in due course Edward Albert found himself standing25 with Evangeline before a clergyman of venerable appearance and rapid enunciation34. Pip stood behind Edward Albert like a ventriloquist behind his dummy35, and three small bridesmaids of unknown provenance36 upheld Evangeline’s train. In a front pew stood Inspector Birkenhead, meticulously37 observant, and evidently resolved to knock the bridegroom’s sanguinary block off at the slightest hint of hanky-panky.
The elderly clergyman went off at headlong speed.
“Debloved getggether ‘n sigh Gard ‘n face congation join togeth man this wum ho’ matmony onble sta stuted Gard time man’s ‘sincy. . . . dained remdy gainsin void forncation. . . . fever after holdis peace.”
More of that. . . .
Then suddenly Edward Albert found he was bring addressed. The quick-firing clergyman was saying, “Wilt have this Worn thy wed33 wife. . . . keep th’only unt her — s’long both sha’ live?”
“Eh?” said Edward Albert, trying to get it clear.
“Say ‘I will’"— from Pip.
“I will.”
He turned on Evangeline who answered very clearly;
“I will.”
“Who giv’ s’wom mad this man?”
Rapid exchange of glances between the Inspector and Pip. Assenting38 noise from the Inspector and something very like
“O.K.” from Mr Chaser, who reached over smartly and put Evangeline’s hand in the priest’s. There was a slight fumble39 and the priest, with an impatient tug40, joined the two right hands as he proceeded. He was already well away with
“Peat after me. Was name?”
“Edward Albert Tewler, Sir.”
“I, Edward Albert Tewler, take thee, was name?”
“Evangeline Birkenhead.”
“Vangline Birk’ned to wed wife . . . ”
Things drew to a climax41.
“Whe’s ring?” Senile impatience42 manifested. But young Chaser was fully43 up to his duties. “Here, Sir. Yes, Sir, all correct.”
“On her finger.”
“Fourth finger — you chump,” from Pip in an audible whisper, and found it for him. “Don’t drop it.”
“Teat aft me. . . . This ring Ivy44 wed.
“Kneel,” hissed45 Pip, with a slight but helpful kick.
And so the beautiful old ceremony drew to its end. Prayers and responses were mumbled46 by Edward Albert out of a prayer-book suddenly handed to him. There was more lightning discourse47 and then Edward Albert was walking down the aisle48, with Evangeline clinging firmly to his arm, to the supply organist’s interpretation49 of the Wedding March from Lohengrin.
“Splendid,” whispered Pip. “Splendid. I’m proud of you. Chin up!”
So far as he had any feeling left in him, Edward Albert was proud of himself.
A crowd of strange faces outside. Damn! He’d forgotten to let Leaseholds50 know. He’d forgotten to tell Bert. Pip was handing him his hat and helping51 him into the first carriage. It was a black-lined carriage, but the coal-black horses were mitigated by abundant white rosettes..
Edward Albert exhaled52 noisily. Evangeline remained perfectly53 still.
“Hey!” said Pip, realising that something had to be said about it: “That was — magnificent. Magnificent!”
“The flowers were beautiful,” said Evangeline.
“Pop,” said Pip.
Then they were going into the house of Pop Chaser. It was, Edward Albert realised, a stylish54 house, and it was doing itself in the best style. He had never seen such a lot of flowers except at a flower show before. And there were special maids in uniform caps and aprons55 to take hats and coats and things. A very young gentleman friend of the family dressed like a cadet shop-walker, acted as usher56. The bridesmaids reappeared as sisterlets of Pip’s. There was a roomful of people. “Reception,” said Pip. “Smile at ’em. That’s better. This way.”
Mrs Doober was saying something, then an unknown lady in an autobiographical mood was thrust aside. Then a big fat chap was kissing the bride with remarkable57 gusto. He disentangled himself and displayed a broad flushed face rather like Pip’s, but stuffed with intercalary matter, and he was white-haired. “And so this is the lucky man, eh?
“Congratulations, my boy. “Con-gratulations. You carry off my family treasure and I congratulate you. Well, s’long as she’s happy. . . . ”
He held out a capacious hand.
Edward Albert was at a loss for words. He allowed his hand to be shaken.
“You’re welcome,” said Pop Chaser. “And you’ve got the sunshine on your wedding.”
“I ‘ave got that,” said Edward Albert.
“I didn’t come to the church in person,” said Pop Chaser, “but I was there in spirit.”
“Your lovely flowers,” said Evangeline.
“And my lovely Son, eh?”
“I must say it’s a perfectly lovely wedding. Isn’t it, Teddy dear?”
“I’m enjoying it all right,” said Edward Albert.
“Aah!” said Mr Chaser, and held out his large hand to a vigorously dressed plump lady. “So glad you’ve come. Your flowers and my champagne58. . . . ”
Evangeline pulled her spouse59 aside.
“He’s doing it all splendidly. Isn’t he, darling? You ought to thank him. Perhaps if you put a sentence in your speech — just at the end.”
Edward Albert looked alarmed. “What d’you think? Feel I can’t sit down without a word of thanks?”
“Generosity and Hospitality,” whispered Evangeline,
“Perfect. You’re a dear.”
They were separated again.
Everything was moving very fast, after the fashion of wedding breakfasts. The dining-room was full of flowers again and champagne bottles had been liberally distributed about the board. A great clatter60 of knives and forks began. Corks61 popped and tongues were unloosed. But Edward Albert could not eat. His lips moved. “Lays and gem’n and you my dear Evangeline. I never made a speech’n my life,” He drank off the bubbling glass beside him and felt a rush of small needles to his nose. But it seemed to give him heart and confidence. Someone refilled his glass. “Not too much,” said Pip, close at hand and alert.
Nearer and nearer crept the moment.
“Ori,” he said, and stood up.
“Lays and gem’n, me dear Vanger. Nevangeline. You Nevangeline.” Pause.
Prompter: “Never made a speech in my life.”
Rapidly, “Ne-ma-speech m’life. Who?. . . .
“Now harsh too full. Go bless y’awl.”
Loud and sustained applause. “Siddown,” said Pip, but the bridegroom remained standing. His eye was fixed on the bride,
“Feel I carn sit down vout a word thanks. Pop. Pop Goose —”
Pip had bit him violently on the back and was standing up beside him.
“Hey” he neighed out at the top of his voice. “Magnificent speech. Magnificent. Excellent.” He forced Edward Albert down into his chair. He waved a glass of champagne dangerously, and spilt some down Edward Albert’s vest
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the bride and bridegroom. Our love to them, our good wishes. Hip62, Hip, Hurrah63.”
Confused applause followed. There seemed to be some hesitation64. Glasses were held towards Edward Albert and Evangeline. Old Mr Chaser was addressing his son in protesting tones. “Stick to the programme, Pip,” he was saying. “Where are we? What’s come over you? You ‘aven’t got drunk, my boy, by any chance, ‘ave you?”
“Sorry, Pop! Drunk with happiness. Hey, Happiness.”
A pause. Then old Chaser rose-to his feet prepared for oratory65. Some great danger — no one but Pip was quite clear what it was — had threatened the festival — and passed,
“Ladies and gen’men, Mr Tewler and my dear girl,” said old Chaser, “it gives me great pleasure today, to welcome and entertain you here today at the nuptials66, the nuptials, of one who is and will be I hope always dear to us all, my dear, bright, clever, good god-child Evangeline. I feel I am ‘anding over today a very loving and precious Treasure to my young friend Tewler, our young friend Tewler. . . . ”
“Did I say something wrong?” whispered Edward Albert to his faithful dragoman.
“Did you say something wrong? Lucky I haven’t a weak heart or I’d be dead this moment.” He neighed pianissimo.
“Listen to the speaker. Go easy, that champagne.”
Edward Albert turned a face of deliberate attention to the speech.
“There have been things said and insinuated67. The less said about that the better. There ‘ave been misunderstandings and they ‘ave, to put it plainly, been misunderstood. For all that and all that, all’s well that ends well. I am very ‘appy today to see ’ere at my table a very great and distinguished68 figure in our London life, no less a man than the celebrated69 Inspector Birkenhead.” Applause. “He stands for all that keeps us from being robbed and murdered in our beds. But. . . . Unhappily, unhappily —”
Pause of expectation.
“I ‘ave to report a new crime to ’im, a robbery.”
Sensation.
“‘Is own daughter, Evangeline, is the criminal. She ‘as stolen all our ‘carts and —”
The rest of the sentence was lost in riotous70 applause and table-banging. Somebody broke a glass unreproved. The only word audible was the concluding word, “Torquay.” Pop Chaser was radiant with oratorical71 success, and Pip Chaser was slapping him on the back. Apparently72 the old man had either not heard Edward Albert’s little slip of the tongue or forgotten it, and Edward Albert himself began to doubt whether it had really occurred. He drained a new-filled beaded glass towards his host before Pip could prevent him. . . .
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1
inspector
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| n.检查员，监察员，视察员 | |
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inspectors
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| n.检查员( inspector的名词复数 )；（英国公共汽车或火车上的）查票员；（警察）巡官；检阅官 | |
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begetter
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| n.生产者，父 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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thickets
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| n.灌木丛( thicket的名词复数 )；丛状物 | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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thighs
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| n.股，大腿( thigh的名词复数 )；食用的鸡（等的）腿 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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prosaically
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| adv.无聊地；乏味地；散文式地；平凡地 | |
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12
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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13
suffused
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| v.（指颜色、水气等）弥漫于，布满( suffuse的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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14
inhaling
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| v.吸入( inhale的现在分词 ) | |
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protruded
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| v.（使某物）伸出，（使某物）突出( protrude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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17
mitigated
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| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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21
deflated
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| adj. 灰心丧气的 | |
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22
irreproachable
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| adj.不可指责的，无过失的 | |
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23
mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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24
jaws
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| n.口部；嘴 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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27
jumbled
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| adj.混乱的；杂乱的 | |
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28
sifting
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| n.筛，过滤v.筛( sift的现在分词 )；筛滤；细查；详审 | |
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29
acquiescence
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| n.默许；顺从 | |
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30
prospective
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| adj.预期的，未来的，前瞻性的 | |
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spanked
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| v.用手掌打( spank的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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wed
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| v.娶，嫁，与…结婚 | |
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enunciation
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| n.清晰的发音；表明，宣言；口齿 | |
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dummy
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| n.假的东西；(哄婴儿的)橡皮奶头 | |
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provenance
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| n.出处；起源 | |
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meticulously
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| adv.过细地，异常细致地；无微不至；精心 | |
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38
assenting
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| 同意，赞成( assent的现在分词 ) | |
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39
fumble
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| vi.笨拙地用手摸、弄、接等，摸索 | |
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40
tug
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| v.用力拖(或拉)；苦干；n.拖；苦干；拖船 | |
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41
climax
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| n.顶点；高潮；v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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ivy
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| n.常青藤，常春藤 | |
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45
hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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leaseholds
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| n.租赁权，租赁期，租赁物( leasehold的名词复数 ) | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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52
exhaled
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| v.呼出，发散出( exhale的过去式和过去分词 )；吐出（肺中的空气、烟等），呼气 | |
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53
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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stylish
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| adj.流行的，时髦的；漂亮的，气派的 | |
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aprons
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| 围裙( apron的名词复数 )； 停机坪，台口（舞台幕前的部份） | |
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56
usher
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| n.带位员，招待员；vt.引导，护送；vi.做招待，担任引座员 | |
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57
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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58
champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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spouse
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| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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60
clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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corks
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| n.脐梅衣；软木( cork的名词复数 )；软木塞 | |
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hip
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| n.臀部，髋；屋脊 | |
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63
hurrah
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| int.好哇，万岁，乌拉 | |
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64
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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65
oratory
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| n.演讲术；词藻华丽的言辞 | |
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66
nuptials
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| n.婚礼；婚礼( nuptial的名词复数 ) | |
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insinuated
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| v.暗示( insinuate的过去式和过去分词 )；巧妙或迂回地潜入；（使）缓慢进入；慢慢伸入 | |
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68
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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70
riotous
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| adj.骚乱的；狂欢的 | |
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71
oratorical
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| adj.演说的，雄辩的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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