Yet that “certain other person” was unjust to Avdotia, seeing that the latter’s affection for Papa — the passionate7, devoted8 love of self-abandonment — revealed itself in her every look and word and movement. At the same time, that love in no way hindered her, not only from being averse10 to parting with her adored husband, but also from desiring to visit Madame Annette’s and order there a lovely cap, a hat trimmed with a magnificent blue ostrich11 feather, and a blue Venetian velvet12 bodice which was to expose to the public gaze the snowy, well shaped breast and arms which no one had yet gazed upon except her husband and maids. Of course Katenka sided with her mother and, in general, there became established between Avdotia and ourselves, from the day of her arrival, the most extraordinary and burlesque13 order of relations. As soon as she stepped from the carriage, Woloda assumed an air of great seriousness and ceremony, and, advancing towards her with much bowing and scraping, said in the tone of one who is presenting something for acceptance:
“I have the honour to greet the arrival of our dear Mamma, and to kiss her hand.”
“Ah, my dear son!” she replied with her beautiful, unvarying smile.
“And do not forget the younger son,” I said as I also approached her hand, with an involuntary imitation of Woloda’s voice and expression.
Had our stepmother and ourselves been certain of any mutual14 affection, that expression might have signified contempt for any outward manifestation15 of our love. Had we been ill-disposed towards one another, it might have denoted irony16, or contempt for pretence17, or a desire to conceal18 from Papa (standing1 by the while) our real relations, as well as many other thoughts and sentiments. But, as a matter of fact, that expression (which well consorted19 with Avdotia’s own spirit) simply signified nothing at all — simply concealed20 the absence of any definite relations between us. In later life I often had occasion to remark, in the case of other families whose members anticipated among themselves relations not altogether harmonious21, the sort of provisional, burlesque relations which they formed for daily use; and it was just such relations as those which now became established between ourselves and our stepmother. We scarcely ever strayed beyond them, but were polite to her, conversed22 with her in French, bowed and scraped before her, and called her “chere Maman”— a term to which she always responded in a tone of similar lightness and with her beautiful, unchanging smile. Only the lachrymose24 Lubotshka, with her goose feet and artless prattle25, really liked our stepmother, or tried, in her naive26 and frequently awkward way, to bring her and ourselves together: wherefore the only person in the world for whom, besides Papa, Avdotia had a spark of affection was Lubotshka. Indeed, Avdotia always treated her with a kind of grave admiration27 and timid deference28 which greatly surprised me.
From the first Avdotia was very fond of calling herself our stepmother and hinting that, since children and servants usually adopt an unjust and hostile attitude towards a woman thus situated29, her own position was likely to prove a difficult one. Yet, though she foresaw all the unpleasantness of her predicament, she did nothing to escape from it by (for instance) conciliating this one, giving presents to that other one, and forbearing to grumble30 — the last a precaution which it would have been easy for her to take, seeing that by nature she was in no way exacting31, as well as very good-tempered. Yet, not only did she do none of these things, but her expectation of difficulties led her to adopt the defensive32 before she had been attacked. That is to say, supposing that the entire household was designing to show her every kind of insult and annoyance33, she would see plots where no plots were, and consider that her most dignified34 course was to suffer in silence — an attitude of passivity as regards winning AFfection which of course led to DISaffection. Moreover, she was so totally lacking in that faculty35 of “apprehension” to which I have already referred as being highly developed in our household, and all her customs were so utterly36 opposed to those which had long been rooted in our establishment, that those two facts alone were bound to go against her. From the first, her mode of life in our tidy, methodical household was that of a person only just arrived there. Sometimes she went to bed late, sometimes early; sometimes she appeared at luncheon37, sometimes she did not; sometimes she took supper, sometimes she dispensed38 with it. When we had no guests with us she more often than not walked about the house in a semi-nude condition, and was not ashamed to appear before us — even before the servants — in a white chemise, with only a shawl thrown over her bare shoulders. At first this Bohemianism pleased me, but before very long it led to my losing the last shred39 of respect which I felt for her. What struck me as even more strange was the fact that, according as we had or had not guests, she was two different women. The one (the woman figuring in society) was a young and healthy, but rather cold, beauty, a person richly dressed, neither stupid nor clever, and unfailingly cheerful. The other woman (the one in evidence when no guests were present) was considerably41 past her first youth, languid, depressed42, slovenly43, and ennuyee, though affectionate. Frequently, as I looked at her when, smiling, rosy44 with the winter air, and happy in the consciousness of her beauty, she came in from a round of calls and, taking off her hat, went to look at herself in a mirror; or when, rustling45 in her rich, decollete ball dress, and at once shy and proud before the servants, she was passing to her carriage; or when, at one of our small receptions at home, she was sitting dressed in a high silken dress finished with some sort of fine lace about her soft neck, and flashing her unvarying, but lovely, smile around her — as I looked at her at such times I could not help wondering what would have been said by persons who had been ravished to behold46 her thus if they could have seen her as I often saw her, namely, when, waiting in the lonely midnight hours for her husband to return from his club, she would walk like a shadow from room to room, with her hair dishevelled and her form clad in a sort of dressing-jacket. Presently, she would sit down to the piano and, her brows all puckered47 with the effort, play over the only waltz that she knew; after which she would pick up a novel, read a few pages somewhere in the middle of it, and throw it aside. Next, repairing in person to the dining-room, so as not to disturb the servants, she would get herself a cucumber and some cold veal9, and eat it standing by the window-sill — then once more resume her weary, aimless, gloomy wandering from room to room. But what, above all other things, caused estrangement48 between us was that lack of understanding which expressed itself chiefly in the peculiar49 air of indulgent attention with which she would listen when any one was speaking to her concerning matters of which she had no knowledge. It was not her fault that she acquired the unconscious habit of bending her head down and smiling slightly with her lips only when she found it necessary to converse23 on topics which did not interest her (which meant any topic except herself and her husband); yet that smile and that inclination50 of the head, when incessantly51 repeated, could become unbearably52 wearisome. Also, her peculiar gaiety — which always sounded as though she were laughing at herself, at you, and at the world in general — was gauche53 and anything but infectious, while her sympathy was too evidently forced. Lastly, she knew no reticence54 with regard to her ceaseless rapturising to all and sundry55 concerning her love for Papa. Although she only spoke56 the truth when she said that her whole life was bound up with him, and although she proved it her life long, we considered such unrestrained, continual insistence57 upon her affection for him bad form, and felt more ashamed for her when she was descanting thus before strangers even than we did when she was perpetrating bad blunders in French. Yet, although, as I have said, she loved her husband more than anything else in the world, and he too had a great affection for her (or at all events he had at first, and when he saw that others besides himself admired her beauty), it seemed almost as though she purposely did everything most likely to displease58 him — simply to prove to him the strength of her love, her readiness to sacrifice herself for his sake, and the fact that her one aim in life was to win his affection! She was fond of display, and my father too liked to see her as a beauty who excited wonder and admiration; yet she sacrificed her weakness for fine clothes to her love for him, and grew more and more accustomed to remain at home in a plain grey blouse. Again, Papa considered freedom and equality to be indispensable conditions of family life, and hoped that his favourite Lubotshka and his kind-hearted young wife would become sincere friends; yet once again Avdotia sacrificed herself by considering it incumbent59 upon her to pay the “real mistress of the house,” as she called Lubotshka, an amount of deference which only shocked and annoyed my father. Likewise, he played cards a great deal that winter, and lost considerable sums towards the end of it, wherefore, unwilling60, as usual, to let his gambling61 affairs intrude62 upon his family life, he began to preserve complete secrecy63 concerning his play; yet Avdotia, though often ailing40, as well as, towards the end of the winter, enceinte, considered herself bound always to sit up (in a grey blouse, and with her hair dishevelled) for my father when, at, say, four or five o’clock in the morning, he returned home from the club ashamed, depleted64 in pocket, and weary. She would ask him absent-mindedly whether he had been fortunate in play, and listen with indulgent attention, little nods of her head, and a faint smile upon her face as he told her of his doings at the club and begged her, for about the hundredth time, never to sit up for him again. Yet, though Papa’s winnings or losings (upon which his substance practically depended) in no way interested her, she was always the first to meet him when he returned home in the small hours of the morning. This she was incited65 to do, not only by the strength of her devotion, but by a certain secret jealousy66 from which she suffered. No one in the world could persuade her that it was REALLY from his club, and not from a mistress’s, that Papa came home so late. She would try to read love secrets in his face, and, discerning none there, would sigh with a sort of enjoyment67 of her grief, and give herself up once more to the contemplation of her unhappiness.
As the result of these and many other constant sacrifices which occurred in Papa’s relations with his wife during the latter months of that winter (a time when he lost much, and was therefore out of spirits), there gradually grew up between the two an intermittent68 feeling of tacit hostility69 — of restrained aversion to the object of devotion of the kind which expresses itself in an unconscious eagerness to show the object in question every possible species of petty annoyance.
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1
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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alleged
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| a.被指控的，嫌疑的 | |
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averred
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| v.断言( aver的过去式和过去分词 )；证实；证明…属实；作为事实提出 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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accede
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| v.应允，同意 | |
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6
pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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8
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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veal
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| n.小牛肉 | |
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averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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ostrich
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| n.鸵鸟 | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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burlesque
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| v.嘲弄，戏仿；n.嘲弄，取笑，滑稽模仿 | |
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14
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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manifestation
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| n.表现形式；表明；现象 | |
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irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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17
pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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18
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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consorted
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| v.结伴( consort的过去式和过去分词 )；交往；相称；调和 | |
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20
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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21
harmonious
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| adj.和睦的，调和的，和谐的，协调的 | |
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22
conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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23
converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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24
lachrymose
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| adj.好流泪的，引人落泪的；adv.眼泪地，哭泣地 | |
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25
prattle
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| n.闲谈；v.（小孩般）天真无邪地说话；发出连续而无意义的声音 | |
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26
naive
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| adj.幼稚的，轻信的；天真的 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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28
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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29
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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30
grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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31
exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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32
defensive
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| adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的 | |
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33
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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34
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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35
faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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37
luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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38
dispensed
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| v.分配( dispense的过去式和过去分词 )；施与；配（药） | |
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39
shred
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| v.撕成碎片，变成碎片；n.碎布条，细片，些少 | |
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40
ailing
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| v.生病 | |
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41
considerably
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| adv.极大地；相当大地；在很大程度上 | |
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42
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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43
slovenly
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| adj.懒散的，不整齐的，邋遢的 | |
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44
rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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45
rustling
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| n. 瑟瑟声，沙沙声 adj. 发沙沙声的 | |
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46
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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47
puckered
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| v.（使某物）起褶子或皱纹( pucker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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48
estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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49
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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50
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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51
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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52
unbearably
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| adv.不能忍受地，无法容忍地；慌 | |
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53
gauche
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| adj.笨拙的，粗鲁的 | |
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54
reticence
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| n.沉默，含蓄 | |
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55
sundry
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| adj.各式各样的，种种的 | |
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56
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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57
insistence
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| n.坚持；强调；坚决主张 | |
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58
displease
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| vt.使不高兴，惹怒；n.不悦，不满，生气 | |
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59
incumbent
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| adj.成为责任的，有义务的；现任的，在职的 | |
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60
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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61
gambling
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| n.赌博；投机 | |
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62
intrude
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| vi.闯入；侵入；打扰，侵扰 | |
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63
secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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64
depleted
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| adj. 枯竭的, 废弃的 动词deplete的过去式和过去分词 | |
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65
incited
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| 刺激，激励，煽动( incite的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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66
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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67
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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68
intermittent
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| adj.间歇的，断断续续的 | |
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69
hostility
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| n.敌对，敌意；抵制［pl.］交战，战争 | |
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