XLV I Come to Grief

At length the first examination — on differentials and integrals — drew near, but I continued in a vague state which precluded¹ me from forming any clear idea of what was awaiting me. Every evening, after consorting² with Zuchin and the rest, the thought would occur to me that there was something in my convictions which I must change — something wrong and mistaken; yet every morning the daylight would find me again satisfied to be “comme il faut,” and desirous of no change whatsoever³.

Such was the frame of mind in which I attended for the first examination. I seated myself on the bench where the princes, counts, and barons⁴ always sat, and began talking to them in French, with the not unnatural⁶ result that I never gave another thought to the answers which I was shortly to return to questions in a subject of which I knew nothing. I gazed supinely at other students as they went up to be examined, and even allowed myself to chaff⁷ some of them.

“Well, Grap,” I said to Ilinka (who, from our first entry into the University, had shaken off my influence, had ceased to smile when I spoke⁸ to him, and always remained ill-disposed towards me), “have you survived the ordeal⁹?”

“Yes,” retorted Ilinka. “Let us see if YOU can do so.”

I smiled contemptuously at the answer, notwithstanding that the doubt which he had expressed had given me a momentary¹⁰ shock. Once again, however, indifference¹¹ overlaid that feeling, and I remained so entirely¹² absent-minded and supine that, the very moment after I had been examined (a mere¹³ formality for me, as it turned out) I was making a dinner appointment with Baron⁵ Z. When called out with Ikonin, I smoothed the creases¹⁴ in my uniform, and walked up to the examiner’s table with perfect sang froid.

True, a slight shiver of apprehension¹⁵ ran down my back when the young professor — the same one as had examined me for my matriculation — looked me straight in the face as I reached across to the envelope containing the tickets. Ikonin, though taking a ticket with the same plunge¹⁶ of his whole body as he had done at the previous examinations, did at least return some sort of an answer this time, though a poor one. I, on the contrary, did just as he had done on the two previous occasions, or even worse, since I took a second ticket, yet for a second time returned no answer. The professor looked me compassionately¹⁷ in the face, and said in a quiet, but determined¹⁹, voice:

“You will not pass into the second course, Monsieur Irtenieff. You had better not complete the examinations. The faculty²⁰ must be weeded out. The same with you, Monsieur Ikonin.”

Ikonin implored²¹ leave to finish the examinations, as a great favour, but the professor replied that he (Ikonin) was not likely to do in two days what he had not succeeded in doing in a year, and that he had not the smallest chance of passing. Ikonin renewed his humble²², piteous appeals, but the professor was inexorable.

“You can go, gentlemen,” he remarked in the same quiet, resolute²³ voice.

I was only too glad to do so, for I felt ashamed of seeming, by my silent presence, to be joining in Ikonin’s humiliating prayers for grace. I have no recollection of how I threaded my way through the students in the hall, nor of what I replied to their questions, nor of how I passed into the vestibule and departed home. I was offended, humiliated²⁴, and genuinely unhappy.

For three days I never left my room, and saw no one, but found relief in copious²⁵ tears. I should have sought a pistol to shoot myself if I had had the necessary determination for the deed. I thought that Ilinka Grap would spit in my face when he next met me, and that he would have the right to do so; that Operoff would rejoice at my misfortune, and tell every one of it; that Kolpikoff had justly shamed me that night at the restaurant; that my stupid speeches to Princess Kornikoff had had their fitting result; and so on, and so on. All the moments in my life which had been for me most difficult and painful recurred²⁶ to my mind. I tried to blame some one for my calamity²⁷, and thought that some one must have done it on purpose — must have conspired²⁸ a whole intrigue²⁹ against me. Next, I murmured against the professors, against my comrades, Woloda, Dimitri, and Papa (the last for having sent me to the University at all). Finally, I railed at Providence³⁰ for ever having let me see such ignominy. Believing myself ruined for ever in the eyes of all who knew me, I besought³¹ Papa to let me go into the hussars or to the Caucasus. Naturally, Papa was anything but pleased at what had happened; yet, on seeing my passionate¹⁸ grief, he comforted me by saying that, though it was a bad business, it might yet be mended by my transferring to another faculty. Woloda, who also saw nothing very terrible in my misfortune, added that at least I should not be put out of countenance³² in a new faculty, since I should have new comrades there. As for the ladies of the household, they neither knew nor cared what either an examination or a plucking meant, and condoled³³ with me only because they saw me in such distress³⁴. Dimitri came to see me every day, and was very kind and consolatory³⁵ throughout; but for that very reason he seemed to me to have grown colder than before. It always hurt me and made me feel uncomfortable when he came up to my room and seated himself in silence beside me, much as a doctor might scat himself by the bedside of an awkward patient. Sophia Ivanovna and Varenika sent me books for which I had expressed a wish, as also an invitation to go and see them, but in that very thoughtfulness of theirs I saw only proud, humiliating condescension³⁶ to one who had fallen beyond forgiveness. Although, in three days’ time, I grew calmer, it was not until we departed for the country that I left the house, but spent the time in nursing my grief and wandering, fearful of all the household, through the various rooms.

One evening, as I was sitting deep in thought and listening to Avdotia playing her waltz, I suddenly leapt to my feet, ran upstairs, got out the copy-book whereon I had once inscribed³⁷ “Rules of My Life,” opened it, and experienced my first moment of repentance³⁸ and moral resolution. True, I burst into tears once more, but they were no longer tears of despair. Pulling myself together, I set about writing out a fresh set of rules, in the assured conviction that never again would I do a wrong action, waste a single moment on frivolity³⁹, or alter the rules which I now decided⁴⁰ to frame.

How long that moral impulse lasted, what it consisted of, and what new principles I devised for my moral growth I will relate when speaking of the ensuing and happier portion of my early manhood.

The End

1 precluded   

v.阻止( preclude的过去式和过去分词 )；排除；妨碍；使…行不通

参考例句：

• Abdication is precluded by the lack of a possible successor. 因为没有可能的继承人，让位无法实现。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The bad weather precluded me from attending the meeting. 恶劣的天气使我不能出席会议。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

2 consorting   

v.结伴( consort的现在分词 )；交往；相称；调和

参考例句：

• He' d been consorting with known criminals. 他一直与那些臭名昭着的罪犯有交往。 来自辞典例句
• Mr. Berlusconi's wife publicly accused him of 'consorting with minors' and demanded a divorce. 贝卢斯科尼的妻子公开指责他“与未成年人交往”，并提出离婚。 来自互联网

3 whatsoever   

adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么

参考例句：

• There's no reason whatsoever to turn down this suggestion.没有任何理由拒绝这个建议。
• All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you,do ye even so to them.你想别人对你怎样，你就怎样对人。

4 barons   

男爵( baron的名词复数 )； 巨头； 大王； 大亨

参考例句：

• The barons of Normandy had refused to countenance the enterprise officially. 诺曼底的贵族们拒绝正式赞助这桩买卖。
• The barons took the oath which Stephen Langton prescribed. 男爵们照斯蒂芬？兰顿的指导宣了誓。

5 baron   

n.男爵；(商业界等)巨头，大王

参考例句：

• Henry Ford was an automobile baron.亨利·福特是一位汽车业巨头。
• The baron lived in a strong castle.男爵住在一座坚固的城堡中。

6 unnatural   

adj.不自然的；反常的

参考例句：

• Did her behaviour seem unnatural in any way?她有任何反常表现吗？
• She has an unnatural smile on her face.她脸上挂着做作的微笑。

7 chaff   

v.取笑，嘲笑；n.谷壳

参考例句：

• I didn't mind their chaff.我不在乎他们的玩笑。
• Old birds are not caught with chaff.谷糠难诱老雀。

8 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

9 ordeal   

n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验

参考例句：

• She managed to keep her sanity throughout the ordeal.在那场磨难中她始终保持神志正常。
• Being lost in the wilderness for a week was an ordeal for me.在荒野里迷路一星期对我来说真是一场磨难。

10 momentary   

adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的

参考例句：

• We are in momentary expectation of the arrival of you.我们无时无刻不在盼望你的到来。
• I caught a momentary glimpse of them.我瞥了他们一眼。

11 indifference   

n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎

参考例句：

• I was disappointed by his indifference more than somewhat.他的漠不关心使我很失望。
• He feigned indifference to criticism of his work.他假装毫不在意别人批评他的作品。

12 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。

13 mere   

adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过

参考例句：

• That is a mere repetition of what you said before.那不过是重复了你以前讲的话。
• It's a mere waste of time waiting any longer.再等下去纯粹是浪费时间。

14 creases   

（使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的第三人称单数 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹

参考例句：

• She smoothed the creases out of her skirt. 她把裙子上的皱褶弄平。
• She ironed out all the creases in the shirt. 她熨平了衬衣上的所有皱褶。

15 apprehension   

n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑

参考例句：

• There were still areas of doubt and her apprehension grew.有些地方仍然存疑，于是她越来越担心。
• She is a girl of weak apprehension.她是一个理解力很差的女孩。

16 plunge   

v.跳入，(使)投入，(使)陷入；猛冲

参考例句：

• Test pool's water temperature before you plunge in.在你跳入之前你应该测试水温。
• That would plunge them in the broil of the two countries.那将会使他们陷入这两国的争斗之中。

17 compassionately   

adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地

参考例句：

• The man at her feet looked up at Scarlett compassionately. 那个躺在思嘉脚边的人同情地仰望着她。 来自飘（部分）
• Then almost compassionately he said,"You should be greatly rewarded." 接着他几乎带些怜悯似地说：“你是应当得到重重酬报的。” 来自辞典例句

18 passionate   

adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的

参考例句：

• He is said to be the most passionate man.据说他是最有激情的人。
• He is very passionate about the project.他对那个项目非常热心。

19 determined   

adj.坚定的；有决心的

参考例句：

• I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
• He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。

20 faculty   

n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员

参考例句：

• He has a great faculty for learning foreign languages.他有学习外语的天赋。
• He has the faculty of saying the right thing at the right time.他有在恰当的时候说恰当的话的才智。

21 implored   

恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• She implored him to stay. 她恳求他留下。
• She implored him with tears in her eyes to forgive her. 她含泪哀求他原谅她。

22 humble   

adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低

参考例句：

• In my humble opinion,he will win the election.依我拙见，他将在选举中获胜。
• Defeat and failure make people humble.挫折与失败会使人谦卑。

23 resolute   

adj.坚决的，果敢的

参考例句：

• He was resolute in carrying out his plan.他坚决地实行他的计划。
• The Egyptians offered resolute resistance to the aggressors.埃及人对侵略者作出坚决的反抗。

24 humiliated   

感到羞愧的

参考例句：

• Parents are humiliated if their children behave badly when guests are present. 子女在客人面前举止失当，父母也失体面。
• He was ashamed and bitterly humiliated. 他感到羞耻，丢尽了面子。

25 copious   

adj.丰富的，大量的

参考例句：

• She supports her theory with copious evidences.她以大量的例证来充实自己的理论。
• Every star is a copious source of neutrinos.每颗恒星都是丰富的中微子源。

26 recurred   

再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈

参考例句：

• Old memories constantly recurred to him. 往事经常浮现在他的脑海里。
• She always winced when he recurred to the subject of his poems. 每逢他一提到他的诗作的时候，她总是有点畏缩。

27 calamity   

n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件

参考例句：

• Even a greater natural calamity cannot daunt us. 再大的自然灾害也压不垮我们。
• The attack on Pearl Harbor was a crushing calamity.偷袭珍珠港(对美军来说)是一场毁灭性的灾难。

28 conspired   

密谋( conspire的过去式和过去分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致

参考例句：

• They conspired to bring about the meeting of the two people. 他们共同促成了两人的会面。
• Bad weather and car trouble conspired to ruin our vacation. 恶劣的气候连同汽车故障断送了我们的假日。

29 intrigue   

vt.激起兴趣，迷住；vi.耍阴谋；n.阴谋，密谋

参考例句：

• Court officials will intrigue against the royal family.法院官员将密谋反对皇室。
• The royal palace was filled with intrigue.皇宫中充满了勾心斗角。

30 providence   

n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝

参考例句：

• It is tempting Providence to go in that old boat.乘那艘旧船前往是冒大险。
• To act as you have done is to fly in the face of Providence.照你的所作所为那样去行事，是违背上帝的意志的。

31 besought   

v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词)

参考例句：

• The prisoner besought the judge for mercy/to be merciful. 囚犯恳求法官宽恕[乞求宽大]。 来自辞典例句
• They besought him to speak the truth. 他们恳求他说实话. 来自辞典例句

32 countenance   

n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同

参考例句：

• At the sight of this photograph he changed his countenance.他一看见这张照片脸色就变了。
• I made a fierce countenance as if I would eat him alive.我脸色恶狠狠地，仿佛要把他活生生地吞下去。

33 condoled   

v.表示同情，吊唁( condole的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He condoled with me upon the death of my father. 我父亲死了，他向我表示吊唁。 来自辞典例句
• Her friends condoled with her when her husband had lost a leg in the accident. 她的丈夫在这次事故中失掉一条腿，她的朋友们都向她表示慰问。 来自辞典例句

34 distress   

n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛

参考例句：

• Nothing could alleviate his distress.什么都不能减轻他的痛苦。
• Please don't distress yourself.请你不要忧愁了。

35 consolatory   

adj.慰问的，可藉慰的

参考例句：

• Action is consolatory. It is the enemy of thought and the friend of flattering illusions. 行动是可以慰藉的。它是思想的敌人，是幻想的朋友。 来自互联网
• Action is consolatory. It is the enemy of thought and the friend of glittering illusions. 行动是令人安慰的，它是思想的敌人，是美好幻想的朋友。 来自互联网

36 condescension   

n.自以为高人一等，贬低(别人)

参考例句：

• His politeness smacks of condescension. 他的客气带有屈尊俯就的意味。
• Despite its condescension toward the Bennet family, the letter begins to allay Elizabeth's prejudice against Darcy. 尽管这封信对班纳特家的态度很高傲，但它开始消除伊丽莎白对达西的偏见。

37 inscribed   

v.写，刻( inscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；内接

参考例句：

• His name was inscribed on the trophy. 他的名字刻在奖杯上。
• The names of the dead were inscribed on the wall. 死者的名字被刻在墙上。 来自《简明英汉词典》

38 repentance   

n.懊悔

参考例句：

• He shows no repentance for what he has done.他对他的所作所为一点也不懊悔。
• Christ is inviting sinners to repentance.基督正在敦请有罪的人悔悟。

39 frivolity   

n.轻松的乐事，兴高采烈；轻浮的举止

参考例句：

• It was just a piece of harmless frivolity. 这仅是无恶意的愚蠢行为。
• Hedonism and frivolity will diffuse hell tnrough all our days. 享乐主义和轻薄浮佻会将地狱扩展到我们的整个日子之中。 来自辞典例句

40 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。