He meant the whole matter, from Mr. Oliver's letter about Miriam to this young lady's ultimate depressing visit; but in his heart he was thinking more of things and a person that came in between; and he glanced in wonder at his wife, who for once had missed an opening to loosen her lips and rail at that person and those things.
They were driving into Melbourne, the old couple together, and such a thing was rare. Moreover, the proposal had been Mrs. Teesdale's, which was rarer still. But rarest of all was her reason, namely, that there were several little odds1 and ends which she wanted to buy for herself. They had been married thirty-five years, but she had never been known deliberately2 to buy herself any odds or ends before.
"Fallals?" said David chuckling3.
"No such thing; you know nothing about it, David."
"Ribbons?"
"Rubbish," said Mrs. Teesdale; and David looked at her again, for there was no edge on the word, and, after thirty-five years, there was a something in the woman which was new and puzzling to the man.
What was it? A week and more had passed since Miriam Oliver left them, with undisguised relief in her eyes and the coldest of cold farewells upon her lips, which not even Mrs. Teesdale, who half attempted it, was allowed to kiss in memory of her parents. Since that day Mrs. T. had not been herself; but David was only now beginning to perceive it. When one has lived thirty-five years with another the master-spirit of the pair, it must be hard indeed for the weaker to discern the first false ring, telling of the first flaw in the stronger vessel5. And the weaker vessel need not necessarily be the woman, that is the worst of it; in the Teesdales' case it was certainly plain enough which, was which. So the feeble and indolent old man was slow to see infirmity in the active, energetic body, his wife; indeed, the infirmity did not show itself as such quite immediately. It came out first of all in snapping and storming, in continual irritation6, culminating in furies as insane as the rage of babes and sucklings. In this stage she would take and tear the unforgotten Missy into little pieces when other irritating matter chanced to flag; and once boxed Arabella's ears for daring to hint that the ways of the genuine Miriam were themselves not absolutely perfect. The name of Missy, whom she could not abuse too roundly, had the excellent effect upon her of taking off the steam; that of Miriam caused certain explosion, because for her Mrs. Teesdale would stick up with her lips while resenting most bitterly in her secret heart every remembered word and look of this young lady. The memory of both girls was gall7 and wormwood to her. There was only this difference, that she lost her temper in defending Miriam, and found it again in reviling8 Missy. But now, after not many days, that temper was much less readily lost and found; the sharpness was gone from the tongue to the face; all at once the woman was grown old; and he who had aged9 before her, though by her side, was the last to realise that she had caught him up.
She could milk no longer. One afternoon she got up from her stool with a very white face and left the shed, walking unsteadily. She never went back to it. She had ceased to be a wonderful woman. It was the very next day that she made David drive her into Melbourne to buy those little odds and ends.
On the way, in the buggy, under a merciless sun, the husband, looking often at his wife, saw at last what manner of changes had taken place. They were outward and visible; they made her look old and ill. It was the worry of recent events, no more, no less. David had been worried himself, he truly said; but there was no sense in anybody's worrying any more about what couldn't be helped, being over and done with, for good and all.
"It's been a bad job," he said again before they got to Melbourne; "a very bad job, as it is. If you let it make you ill, my dear, with thinking about what can't be mended, it'll be a worse job than ever."
He wanted to accompany Mrs. T. upon her unwonted little flutter among the shops. They had put up the mare10 at their old servant's inn. The landlord had remarked of his former mistress, and to her face, that she was not looking at all well, but, in fact, very poorly. And as David now thought the same, he was very anxious indeed to go with her and hold the odds while she bought the ends. She would not hear of it; but instead of sharply ordering, she entreated11 him to mind his own business and stay at the inn; so he stayed there, marvelling12, for a time. Then a thought struck him.
He went to the pawnbroker's and saw his watch. It was all right. He had it in his hands, and wound it up, and set it right, and listened to its tick as to the beating of some loving heart, while his own went loud and quick with emotion. Then he left, and wandered along the street with eyes that were absent and distraught until they rested for a moment upon a passing face full of misery13. He looked again—it was his wife.
They met with a mutual14 guilty start—hers the guiltier of the two—so that all the questioning came from him.
"Where have you been, my dear?"
"Collins Street."
"And what have you bought, and where is it?"
"Nowhere; I've bought nothing at all. I—I couldn't find what I wanted."
"Not find what you wanted? Not in Melbourne? Nonsense, my dear! You've been to the wrong places; you must take me with you after all. What was it that you wanted most particularly?"
"Nothing, David; I want nothing now. I only want to go home to the farm—only home now, David. There were little things, but—but I couldn't get 'em, and now they don't matter. I am disappointed, but that doesn't matter either. Yes, I am disappointed; but now I only want to get home—to get home!"
She was so disappointed, this tough old woman with the weather-beaten face that was now and suddenly so aged and haggard, that her eyes were full of tears even there in the street; and she let them run over when David forged ahead to push the way; and wiped them up before she took his arm again. This taking of his arm, too, was done more tenderly, more dependently, than ever, perhaps, in their married life before. And David must have felt this himself, for he held up his head and shouldered his way through the crowd like a very brave old gentleman, and drove back to the farm for once the lord and master of his wife—he who had quitted it with less authority than their children.
He was not, of course, exactly aware of it He was conscious of something, but not so much as all that. He did not know enough to keep him awake that night. But the window-blind took shape out of the darkness, and the wife at David's side saw it with eyes that had never closed. And the gray dawn filled the room: and daylight whitened the face and beard of the sleeping man: and the wife at his side raised herself in the bed and looked long upon David, and wept, and kissed the bedclothes where they covered him, because she was frightened of his waking if she kissed him. But he went on sleeping like a child.
Then Mrs. Teesdale lay back and stared at the ceiling, thinking hard. She thought of their long married life together; and had she been a good wife to David? She thought of the easy-going, sweet-tempered young man who had made laughing love to her long ago in some Yorkshire lane; of the middle-aged16 philosopher who had found it rather amusing than otherwise to watch worse men making their fortunes while he stood still and chuckled17; of the frail18, white-haired sleeper19 who would presently awake with a smile to one day more of indolence and unsuccess. She still envied that sweet temperament20, as she had envied it when a girl, though she knew now what no girl could have dreamt, that two such natures linked together would have found themselves hand in hand at the poor-house door in very much shorter time than thirty-five years. He had had no vices21, this poor dear David of hers. Neither drink nor cards, nor the racecourse, nor another woman, had ever tempted4 him from their own hearthstone, which was the place he had loved best through all the years. Through all the years he had never spoken a harsh word to wife or child. He was full of affection and incapable23 of unkindness; but he was equally incapable of making a strong man's way in the world. Therefore she had played the man's part, which had been thrust upon her; and if this had hardened her could she help it? Was it not natural? Hard labour hardens not the hands alone, but the mind, the eye, the face, the tongue, and the heart most of all. It had hardened her; she realised that now, when the strength was gone out of her, and she at last knew what it was to feel soft, and weak, and to need the support which she had hitherto given.
She tried to be just, however. Perhaps the support had not been all on her side through all the years. Perhaps with his even-minded placidity24, his unfailing philosophy, David had all along done very nearly as much for her as she for him. Certainly he had never complained, and the life they had led would have been impossible with a complaining man. In their greatest straits he had stood up to her with a smile and a kiss; he had never depressed26 her with his own depression. That kiss and smile might have seemed impertinent to her at the time, in the actual circumstances, but now she knew how they had helped her by freeing her mind of special care on his account. So after all he had been a good husband to her; nay27, the very best; for what other would have borne with her temper as he had done? What other would have been as calm, and kind, and contented28? But he was not fit to be by himself. That was the dreadful part of it. He was not fit to be left alone.
To be sure, there were the children. They were still children to their mother, and young children, too; their minds seemed to have grown no older for so many years. Their mother saw the possibility of their marrying one day—as though that day might not have come any time those ten years and more. She saw it still; and what would become of David then? Arabella would not so much matter; she was just such another as her poor father; but John William——
Here Mrs. Teesdale's thoughts left the main track for a very ugly turning indeed. She had taken this turning once or twice before, but it was so ugly that she had never followed it very far. Now, however, she followed it until not another moment could she lie in bed, but must jump up and speak to her son with the matter hot in her head.
It was quite late enough. She was going out a-milking no more, either morning or evening, and that was another thing which John William must be told. Mrs. Teesdale, like everybody else, was glad to have more things than one to speak about, when the one was so difficult, and even dangerous. She partially29 dressed, and left the room as quietly as possible. The first gray light was penetrating30 into the passage as she stole along it. When she reached John William's door, there was a noise within; when she opened it, she stood like a rock on the threshold—because she had been a plucky31 woman all her life—and a man was in the act of getting in by the window.
His middle was across the sill, and the crown of his hat was presented to the door.
"Who are you," said Mrs. Teesdale sternly, "and what do you want?"
The man raised his head instantly; and it was John William himself.
"Holloa, mother!"
"Where have you been?" said Mrs. Teesdale.
"I didn't want to wake you before your time, so I thought I'd come in like this. That's better!"
He landed lightly on the floor; but his feet jingled32; he was spurred as well as booted, and dressed, moreover, in his drab tweed suit.
"Where have you been?" said Mrs. Teesdale.
His bed had not been slept in.
"Been? There was something I had to do. No time during the day. So I've just got it done before——"
"Where have you been?" said Mrs. Teesdale.
The young man stared. His mother had repeated the question thrice, each time in exactly the same tone, without raising her voice or moving a muscle as she stood on the threshold, with the brass33 door-handle still between her fingers.
"What business is it of yours, mother?" he said sullenly34. "Surely to goodness I'm old enough to do what I like? I'm not what you'd exactly call a boy."
"You are my boy. Where have you been?"
"In Melbourne—since you so very much want to know."
He had lost patience, and adopted defiance35.
"I was sure of it," said Mrs. Teesdale, coming into the room now, and quietly shutting the door behind her. "I was sure of it."
Then, very slowly and deliberately, she raised her left arm, until one lean finger pointed15 to the wall at his left, and through that wall, as it were, into the room which had been occupied by each of the two visitors. Her eyes flashed into her son's. The lean finger trembled. But she said no word.
"What does that mean?" he asked at last, with an uneasy laugh.
"You have been—with—that woman!"
"I wish I had," said John William.
"You have!" cried his mother.
"I have not. With her? Why, I haven't set eyes on her since the day you took and—the day she left us," said the angered man, ending quietly. "Then what have you been doing?"
"I have been looking for her."
"For that woman?"
"Yes."
"Looking in Melbourne?"
"Yes."
"In the streets?—in the streets?"
"Yes."
"And you have never seen her since——"
"Never."
"But this isn't the first time! You've been looking night after night! So that's why you ran up them other horses? That's why you're half dead unless you get some sleep of afternoons?"
"Mother," he said, "it is."
"Oh, my God!" cried Mrs. Teesdale, reeling, and breaking down very suddenly. "Oh, my God!"
In an instant strong arms were round her; but she would not have them; she freed herself and sat down on the chair that was by the bedside, warding36 him off with one hand while with the other she covered her face. It cut him to the heart to hear her sobs37; to note the tears trickling38 through the old fingers, gnarled and knotted by a long life of hard work; to see the light strong frame, that had seemed all bone and muscle, like a hawk39, so shaken. But because of her other hand, which forbade him to touch her, he could only stand aloof40 with his beard upon his chest and his thick arms folded. At length she calmed herself; and sat looking up at him with both hands in her lap. Her poor feet were bare; he had snatched a pillow from the bed and pushed it under them while she was still beside herself; and now, when she saw what he had done, she looked at him more kindly41; and when she spoke22, her voice was softer than ever he had heard it, boy or man.
"John William, you must give this up."
"Mother, we shall break each other's hearts, you and I. I cannot—I cannot!"
"But I know you will. You will give up looking for that girl; you will promise me this before I leave the room. Why should you look for her? How can you expect to find her? You don't know that she is in Melbourne at all. Why should you think of her——"
"Because I've got to think of her, as long as I've a head on my shoulders and a heart in my body."
Mrs. Teesdale had her woman's quick instincts, after all. Hence her very singular omission42, on this occasion, to apply a single hard name to the enemy whose deadliest thrust of all was only now coming home to her.
"Very well," she said; "but you must promise to give up looking for her in Melbourne, by night or by day, at any rate while your mother is alive."
"It is all that I can do! It is the only chance!" cried the young man, miserably43. "Why should I promise to give up my one chance——"
"Only while I live," interposed the mother.
"But why should I?"
"Because I shall not live very long. Don't look like that—listen to me. I have been ailing25 for months; never mind how. Whether it was the worry of lately, or what it was, I don't know; but it's only this last week or two that I've felt too poorly to bide44 it any longer. I never said a word to anybody—I wouldn't have said a word to you—not this morning, but now I must. And you are not to say a word to anybody—least of all to your father—till I give you leave. But the night before last I felt like dying where I sat milking; so I made your father take me into Melbourne, to buy some odds and ends. So I told him, poor man. But a doctor's opinion was all I wanted; that was my odds and ends. And I got it! No, let me tell you first; I went to Dr. James Murray, in Collins Street East. I had heard of him. So I went to him for the worst; but I never thought it would be the very worst; and it was—it was!"
There was an interruption here.
"My boy! Nay you mustn't fret45; I'm sixty-three come August, and it's not a bad age isn't that. I may see August, he says. He says I may live a good few months yet. Nay, never mind what it is that's the matter with me; you'll know soon enough. He says he'll come and see me for nothing. It's an interesting case, he says; wanted me to go into a hospital and be under his eye, he did But that I wouldn't, so he thinks he must come and see me. Nay, never mind—never mind! Only promise not to look for that girl—any more—till I am gone."
The promise was given. John William had long been kneeling at his mother's feet, and kissing her hands, her face, her neck, her eyes. That was the interruption which had taken place. Now he was crying like a child.
Mr. Teesdale awoke as his wife reopened their bedroom door.
"My dear," said he, sweetly, "you've been going about with bare feet! You'll be catching46 your death of cold!"
He was not to be told just yet; and because Mrs. Teesdale's eyes were full of tears, which he must not see, she made answer in her very sharpest manner.
"Mind your own business, and go to sleep again, do!"
David only smiled.
"All right, my dear, you know best. But if you did catch your death o' cold, it'd be a bad job for the lot of us; it'd be the worst job of all, would that!"
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1
odds
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| n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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chuckling
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的现在分词 ) | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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6
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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gall
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| v.使烦恼，使焦躁，难堪；n.磨难 | |
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reviling
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| v.辱骂，痛斥( revile的现在分词 ) | |
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aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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entreated
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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marvelling
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| v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的现在分词 ) | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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sleeper
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| n.睡眠者，卧车，卧铺 | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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21
vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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22
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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placidity
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| n.平静，安静，温和 | |
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ailing
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| v.生病 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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penetrating
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| adj.（声音）响亮的，尖锐的adj.（气味）刺激的adj.（思想）敏锐的，有洞察力的 | |
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31
plucky
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| adj.勇敢的 | |
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jingled
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| 喝醉的 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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sullenly
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| 不高兴地，绷着脸，忧郁地 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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36
warding
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| 监护，守护（ward的现在分词形式） | |
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sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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38
trickling
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| n.油画底色含油太多而成泡沫状突起v.滴( trickle的现在分词 )；淌；使)慢慢走；缓慢移动 | |
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39
hawk
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| n.鹰，骗子；鹰派成员 | |
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40
aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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41
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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42
omission
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| n.省略，删节；遗漏或省略的事物，冗长 | |
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43
miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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44
bide
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| v.忍耐；等候；住 | |
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45
fret
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| v.(使)烦恼；(使)焦急；(使)腐蚀，(使)磨损 | |
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46
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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