This was not until she had very nearly walked into the Yarra itself; it was only then that she came to know what she was doing, to consider what she must do next, and to recall coherently the circumstances of her last and final expulsion from the farmhouse1 of the Teesdales. Already it seemed to have happened hours ago, instead of minutes. The hat and jacket she had snatched up from the sofa were still upon her arm; she put them on now, because suddenly she had turned cold. Another moment and she could not have said on which arm she had carried them, she had carried them so short a time. Yet the deathly face and the deathlier voice of Mrs. Teesdale were as a horror of old standing3; there was something so familiar about them; they seemed to have dwelt in her memory so long. But, indeed, her mind was in a mist, through which the remote and the immediate4 past loomed5 equally indistinct and far away.
The mist parted suddenly. One face shone through it with a baleful light. It was the dreadful face of Mrs. Teesdale.
"Dying!" exclaimed Missy, eyeing the face judicially6 in her mind. "Dying? Not she—not now! She may have been dying; but she won't die now. No, I've saved her by dragging her off her deathbed to curse me and turn me out! I've heard of folks turning the corner like that. She was right enough, though. You can't blame her and call her unkind. The others are more to blame for going on being kind to one of my sort. No, she'd better not die now, she'd much better leave that to me."
Her mind was in a mist. She tried to see ahead. She must live somewhere, and she must do something for her living. But what—but where?
There was one matter about which she had not spoken the truth even now; neither to Arabella, nor to John William, nor to Mr. Teesdale himself. That was the matter of her new home in the Dandenong Ranges, where she said she had been so happy, they didn't know! It was no home at all. She was particularly wretched there. She had stayed on with one object alone; now that this was accomplished7 there would be no object at all in going back. She had not intended ever to return, when leaving; but then her intentions had gone no further than the paying back to Mr. Teesdale of the twenty pounds obtained from him once upon a time by fraud. This had been the be-all and end-all of her existence for many months past. It was strange to be without it now; but to go back without it, to that farm in the ranges, would be terrible Yet go somewhere she must; and there was the work which she could do. They would give her that work again, and readily, as before; they would overwork her, bully8 her, speak hardly to her—but clothe her decently, feed her well, and pay her ten shillings a week, all as before. She must do some work somewhere. Then what and where else?
Her mind was in a mist.
She saw no future for herself at all, or none that would be tolerable now. If she had dreamt once of unanimous forgiveness at the farm—of getting work there in the kitchen, in the cow-shed—that dream had come to such utter annihilation that even the memory of it entered her head no more. And she wanted no work elsewhere. So why work at all? She had done enough. Rest was all she wanted now. It was the newborn desire of her heart; rest, and nothing more.
And here was the river at her feet; but that thought did not stay or crystallise just yet.
Before it came the thought of Melbourne and the old life, which parted the mind's mist with a lurid10 light. That old life need not necessarily be an absolutely wicked one. There were points about that old life, wicked or otherwise. It had warmth, colour, jingle11 and glare, abundant variety, and superabundant gaiety. But rest? And rest was all she wanted now—all. And the mist gathered again in her mind; but the river still ran at her feet.
The river! How little heed12 she had taken of it until this moment! She had watched without seeing it, but she noted13 everything now. That the rain must have stopped before her banishment14 from the house, since her dry clothes were dry still; that overhead there was more clear sky than clouds; that the clouds were racing15 past a sickle16 moon, overwhelming it now and then, like white waves and a glistening17 rock; that the wind was shivering and groaning18 through the river-timber, and that it had loosened her own hair; that the river itself was strong, full, noisy and turbulent, and so close, so very close to her own feet.
She stooped, she knelt, she reached and touched it with her fingers. The river was certainly very cold and of so full a current that it swept the finger-tips out of the water as soon as they touched it. But this was only in winter-time. In summer it was a very different thing.
In summer-time the river was low and still and warm to the hand; the grass upon the banks was dry and yellow; the bottle-green trees were spotted19 and alive with the vivid reds, emeralds, and yellows of parrot, parrakeet, and cherry-picker; and the blue sky pressed upon the interlacing branches, not only over one's head but under one's feet, if one stood where Missy was standing now and looked where she was looking.
She was imagining all these things, as she had heard and seen and felt them many a time last summer. Last Christmas Day was the one she had especially in mind. It was so very hard to realise that it was the same place. Yet there was no getting over that fact. And Missy was closer than she knew to the spot where she had cast herself upon the ground and shut out sight and hearing until poor John William arrived upon the spot and brought about a little scene which she remembered more vividly20 than many a more startling one of her own unaided making. Poor Jack2, indeed! Since that day he had been daily in her thoughts, and always as poor Jack. Because he had got it into his head that he was in love—and with her—that was why he was to be pitied; or rather, it was why she had pitied him so long, whom she pitied no longer. To-night—now, at any rate, as she stood by the river—of the two she pitied only herself.
To-night she had seen him again; to-night he had carried her in his arms, but spoken no word of love to her; to-night he had stood aside and allowed her to be turned out of the house by his mother who was not dying—not she.
It was as it should be; it was also as she had prayed that it might be. He did not care. That was all. She only regretted she had so long tormented22 herself with the thought that he might, nay23, that he did care. She felt the need of that torment21 now as keenly as though it had been a comfort. Without it, she was lonely and alone, and more than ever in need of rest.
Then, suddenly, she remembered how that very day—last Christmas Day—in the gorgeous summer-time, but in this selfsame spot—the idea had come to her which was with her now. And her soul rose up in arms against herself for what she had not done last Christmas Day.
"If only I had," she cried, "the trouble would have been over when it seems it was only just beginning. I shouldn't have disgusted them as I did on purpose that very afternoon. A lot of good it did me! And they would all have forgiven me, when they found out. Even Mrs. Teesdale would have forgiven me then. And Jack—Jack—I shouldn't have lived to know you never cared."
She clasped her hands in front of her and looked up steadily24 at the moon. It was clear of the clouds now—a keen-edged sickle against a slatey sky; and such light as it shed fell full enough upon the thin brown face and fearless eyes of the nameless girl whom, as Missy, two or three simple honest folk had learnt to like so well that they could think of her kindly25 even when the black worst was known of her. Her lips moved—perhaps in prayer for those two or three—perhaps to crave26 forgiveness for herself; but they never trembled. Neither did her knees, though suddenly she knelt. And now her eyes were shut; and it seems, or she must have heard him, her ears also. She opened her eyes again, however, to look her last at sky and moon. But her eyes were full of tears. So she shut them tight, and, putting her hands in front of her, swung slowly forward.
It was then that John William stooped forward and caught her firmly by the waist; but, after a single shrill27 scream, the spirit left her as surely as it must had he never been there.... Only, it came back.
He had taken off his coat. She was lying upon it, while he knelt over her. The narrow moon was like a glory over his head.
"Why did you do it?" she asked him. "You might have let me get to rest when—when you didn't care!"
"I do care!" he answered; "and I mean you to rest now all the days of your life—your new life, Missy. I have cared all the time. But now I care more than ever."
"Your father and 'Bella——"
"Care as much as I do, pretty nearly, in their own way. Missy, dear, don't you care, too,—for me?"
She looked at him gratefully through her starting tears. "How can I help it? You picked me up out of the gutter28 between you; but it was you alone that kept me out of it, after I'd gone; because I sort of felt all the time that you cared. But oh, you must never marry me. I am thinking so of your mother! She will never, never forgive me; I couldn't expect it; and she is going to get quite better, you know—I feel sure that she is better already."
He put his hand upon the hair that was only golden in the moonshine: he peered into the wan9 face with infinite sadness: for here it was that Missy was both right and wrong.
The End
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1
farmhouse
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| n.农场住宅（尤指主要住房） | |
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2
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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5
loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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judicially
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| 依法判决地，公平地 | |
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7
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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8
bully
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| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
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9
wan
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| (wide area network)广域网 | |
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10
lurid
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| adj.可怕的；血红的；苍白的 | |
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11
jingle
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| n.叮当声，韵律简单的诗句；v.使叮当作响，叮当响，押韵 | |
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12
heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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13
noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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14
banishment
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| n.放逐，驱逐 | |
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15
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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16
sickle
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| n.镰刀 | |
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17
glistening
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| adj.闪耀的，反光的v.湿物闪耀，闪亮( glisten的现在分词 ) | |
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groaning
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| adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
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spotted
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| adj.有斑点的，斑纹的，弄污了的 | |
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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21
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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22
tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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23
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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24
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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26
crave
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| vt.渴望得到，迫切需要，恳求，请求 | |
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27
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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28
gutter
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| n.沟，街沟，水槽，檐槽，贫民窟 | |
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