When the advertisement appeared in The Live Wire the next day it did not attract much attention. People who read it laughed, called Abner a fool, and then forgot all about it. Most likely it would have ended at that if the assistant editor of the paper had not seized upon it for a special editorial the following morning. He was anxious to hit back at the man who had produced such havoc1 in the office and given him so much extra work to do. Since the editor in chief had been unable to attend to his duties he had been called upon to do the work of two men, and this was all due to Abner Andrews, who was now posing as a specialist on all kinds of diseases.
The article was a scathing3 one under the caption4 of
"A FOOL AND HIS TRICKS."
It ridiculed5 the idea of a man like Abner Andrews setting himself up as a specialist, and warned people to beware of his wiles6. The advertisement proved most conclusively7 that the man was either a fool or a deep-dyed villain8. He was a fool to make such a pretence9 at healing all kinds of diseases. If not a fool, he was pretending to be one. The article then told of the serious charge which was hanging over the farmer, and this advertisement of his might be a ruse10 to make people think that he was not responsible for his actions, and thus act as a blind to his real villainous character. It closed with a second warning to all, and strongly suggested that the law should step in and prohibit the man from such actions.
This article aroused people much more than the advertisement, and the talk was most general around town about this peculiar11 farmer. People became curious to go to Ash Point to see for themselves what the "specialist" would do and say, and to learn more about his methods of healing. The interest increased on Friday, especially among certain young men, who saw in Abner an object for considerable sport. Even staid business men, knowing something about Abner's odd ways, smiled to themselves, or discussed the matter with one another. They, too, longed for a little excitement, and when they mentioned it to their wives they found a ready response. Thus a number of the leading citizens of Glucom planned a trip to Ash Point Saturday evening. Of course they would not visit the man, but merely drive by, or stop and listen to what he had to say. It would be great fun, so they imagined.
It was Lawyer Rackshaw, however, who saw most in the advertisement. Here was a chance to get more than even with the man he hated. He was so elated that he invited Hen Whittles12 into his office Friday night, upon the special promise that there would be no more rats present. They drank, played cards, and discussed Abner Andrews.
"That man is crazy," Hen declared.
"Not crazy, but a fool," was the emphatic13 reply. "Only a fool would do what he has done, and to cap it all, to put such an ad. as that in the paper! But it's just what I need. My, it gives me a fine opening to get even with him."
"In what way?" Hen asked.
Rackshaw smiled as he threw down an ace14, and then helped himself to another drink.
"Oh, I've a plan," he at length replied. "I'll fix that old fool this time, all right. He'll get patients he's not looking for."
"But do you think people will go to be treated?" Hen asked.
"Go? Sure, they'll go. Why, it's the talk of the town, as you must know."
"But, will sick people go?"
"Sure. I've been talking to several already, and they're so sick they can hardly get along. Ho, ho!" and Rackshaw leaned back in his chair and laughed heartily15.
"Where's the joke?" Hen was becoming impatient now. "You seem to have something funny up your sleeve."
"I have. Listen."
"By Jove!" Hen exclaimed, when Rackshaw had explained his purpose. "That's a good one, all right. You're a wonder, for sure. I'd never have thought of that. Ha, ha, the old cuss will get more'n he bargains for if I'm not mistaken. But you must be careful though. Remember the rats."
"There'll be no come-back this time, mind you," was the decided16 reply. "I hold the trump17 cards in this game, so don't worry."
Zeb read the scathing editorial in the paper and smiled. He showed it to Abner and asked him what he thought of it.
"It's jist what I wanted," was the enthusiastic reply. "Jist what ye wanted!" Zeb exclaimed. "How de ye make that out?"
"Don't ye know? Haven't ye enough sense left to see wot that article will do? Why, it'll bring a hull18 crowd here Saturday night quicker'n anythin' else."
"H'm, so that's the way ye look at it, eh? But don't be too sure, Abner."
"Never ye mind about that, Zeb. I wish I was as sartin of goin' to heaven as I am of that gang comin'."
"Got ye'r tub all ready?" Zeb bantered19. "An' what about ye'r laffin'-gas? Ye mustn't fergit that."
"An' 'ye'r brains,' why don't ye say? Yes, every dang thing's in shape, even me old shot-gun."
"De ye expect to have to use that?"
"One kin2 never tell. This dodge20 of mine is somethin' out of the ordinary, an' the crowd might git a bit unruly. It's jist as well to be on the safe side."
"Seems to me, Abner, the safest side fer you to-morrow night will be the other side of sun-down. I wish to goodness ye hadn't started this thing."
"Keep ye'r shirt on, Zeb, an' don't worry. But, there, I must git home an' see how me laffin'-gas is comin' along."
Saturday evening was bright and warm. Not a breath of wind was astir, and the river was like one huge mirror. But the people who came to Ash Point from Glucom were not thinking of such things. They were more concerned about seeing Abner Andrews and his method of healing than all the beautiful things of Nature. Had they been with Moses when he was tending the sheep, they would have been much more interested in watching two rams21 fighting than in studying the burning bush and heeding23 its divine message.
Abner was in the workshop, and Zeb was out on the road as director of ceremonies, or "office-boy" as Abner termed him, when the vanguard arrived. There were waggons25 and autos which went slowly by and then returned later. The occupants craned their necks in their efforts to see something out of the ordinary. Several made enquiries of Zeb, and when the latter pointed27 to the workshop, they laughed and went on their way.
This looked at first as if all intended to do the same, and Zeb chuckled28 as he thought of Abner's disappointment, and the fig22 of tobacco he would have to hand over.
At length, however, an auto26, containing four young men and women, sped up the road and stopped near Zeb.
"Where is the specialist?" the driver laughingly enquired29.
"Eight over there," and Zeb pointed to the workshop. "Go in that door."
"Queer office, that," was the reply. "A new stunt30, eh?"
There was much laughing and joking as they moved away, and Zeb watched them with keen interest.
Abner was waiting to receive his patients, and had with much difficulty twisted his long legs into the tub by the time the visitors were at the door. By his side on the work-bench he had a number of ginger-beer bottles, all tightly corked31. His face was wreathed with his most engaging smile as he motioned the young people to sit down.
"Glad to see yez," he told them, when they were at length seated upon the chairs Zeb had brought from his house. "Now what kin I do fer yez?"
"We're very sick," the driver explained, "and seeing your ad. in the paper, we've come to you for help."
With considerable difficulty his companions kept from laughing outright32, and this Abner noted33. But he pretended to be deeply concerned, and studied the four most critically.
"Yez sartinly do look sick," he agreed, "an' it's lucky that yez have come this evenin'. Now, what seems to be the matter, an' where is the trouble?"
"Eight here," and the spokesman placed his hand upon his heart in a most solemn manner.
"H'm, heart trouble, eh? Well, that's serious. Are yez all affected34 the same way?"
"Yes, all of us. We can't work or do anything, the attacks are so bad."
The young women were forced to turn away their heads at these words, while one stuffed her handkerchief into her mouth to keep from laughing outright.
"My, my!" and Abner thoughtfully stroked his chin. "But look here, young gal35, it'll be ye'r stummick that'll be troublin' ye instid of ye'r heart if ye swaller that handkerchief. I can't do nuthin' with that kind of trouble."
The girl's face grew scarlet36 as she hurriedly withdrew her handkerchief, while her companions laughed heartily.
"Laff all yez like," Abner encouraged. "That's part of me cure. It's jist what yez need."
"But is that all you have to say about our real trouble?" the spokesman demanded.
"Well, now, first of all I want the fees. Twenty-five cents fer each; that'll make a dollar. Thank yez. That's better," he continued, as he slipped the hill into his pocket, "I kin now prescribe fer yez. But, remember, yez must follow the directions I give yez, or else yez'll git a dang sight worse than yez are at present."
"Fire ahead," was the reply. "We're all willing to do as you say."
"That's good. I allus like obedient patients. Now, the first thing I want yez to do is to go an' git two licences. Ye'll have to pay five dollars apiece fer 'em. The Government's more expensive than I am."
The young women now became visibly embarrassed, and wished that they had not come.
"The next thing yez must do," Abner went on, "is to go an' see some parson. Ye'll have to pay him, too, remember. But as fer curin' heart trouble any parson kin do it quicker'n anything yez ever saw. I had it afore I married Tildy, an' a bad attack it was. But after old Parson Shaw had hitched37 us together with that double an' twisted knot of his, I've never had a touch of heart trouble since. It sartinly did work wonders with me."
The consternation38 upon the faces of the patients was most amusing to Abner. He liked the way the girls blushed, and the young men turned red to the roots of their hair. He knew that they were merely out for fun and were getting more than they had expected.
"Don't go yit," he ordered, as he saw the young women move toward the door. "I haven't given yez the full prescription39."
"But suppose the parson doesn't cure our heart trouble, what then?" the second young man at length found courage to ask. "It might not work on everyone as it did on you."
"Don't ye worry about that, young man," Abner replied. "The symptoms may hang on fer a while, but as soon as ye git several extra mouths to feed, ye'll find that all trouble will pass away. It did in my case, I know, an' I guess it'll be so with you."
By this time the girls were at the door, blushing more furiously than ever. They were far from enjoying the interview, and longed to be outside. The young men were about to follow, when Abner hailed them.
"Say, ye've fergot somethin'. I've given yez the prescriptions40, but I'd like fer yez to take somethin' with yez to use when yez set up house-keepin'." Here he reached up and lifted a bottle from off the work-bench. "Now this is the greatest stuff out," he explained. "Jist keep it handy in the pantry or on the kitchen shelf where ye'll know where to find it in a jiffy. On wash days or when things go crooked41 jist open this an' take a little whiff, an' it'll make yez all good natured in no time. If the baby gits cranky or gits wind on its little stummick, all yez need do is to give it a smell of that bottle, an' ye'll be surprised to see how soon it'll begin to—— But, good gracious! What's wrong with them gals42? They've gone, blamed if they ain't!"
They had all gone except the young man who had last spoken. He was angry, and expressed his opinion in no mild language. The young women had been insulted, so he said, and he called upon Abner to apologize.
"Apologize, eh?" was the reply. "What is there to apologize about? Yez came here in order to make fun of me, an' because I handed out wot was coinin' to yez I'm expected to apologize! Not on ye'r life, young man, an' ye kin jist tell them things to the one who sent yez."
"How do you know that anyone sent us?" the young man evasively queried43.
"H'm, I'm not altogether a fool. I've a little brains left yit. Come now, on y'er word of honor, didn't Lawyer Rackshaw put yez up to this job?"
Abner smiled as the young man made no reply. He was certain now that his surmise44 had been correct, and he was satisfied.
"That'll do. Ye may go. Ye needn't answer if ye don't want to. But remember the prescriptions, an' also yours truly, Abner Andrews, of Ash Pint45."
The young man looked as if he would like to do more than express his feelings in words. But Abner seemed exceptionally big just then, as he lifted himself out of the tub and stood before him. He decided that retreat was the better part of valor46, so in no enviable frame of mind he joined his companions who were waiting for him in the car. In a few seconds they were hurrying down the road, a defeated and angry quartet.
They had not gone far, however, when they met a truck filled with a number of reckless young men. They stopped, and in a few words aired their grievances47. Shouts of laughter and cheers came from the new-comers.
"Well fix the old fellow," they shouted, as they hurried on. "Leave him to us."
Abner saw them coming, and hearing the noise they were making, knew what to expect. Peering through the little window facing the road, he watched them as they approached. Then in an instant a regular bombardment of balls of mud, rotten eggs, and stones were hurled48 at the building. One stone crashed through the window and struck Abner a glancing blow above the eye. With yells of delight the crowd passed and then all was still.
Abner's blood was now up. Seizing his shot-gun, he stood just within the door and waited. He saw Zeb coming toward him, and called to him to keep back.
"Let me handle the bunch," he shouted. "I'll fix 'em."
"Be careful," was the reply. "Don't shoot. Here they come agin."
As the car was almost opposite the workshop, and the youths were about to make another bombardment, Abner stepped quickly out of the building and ordered them to stop. As the driver hesitated for an instant, Abner threw his gun into position and threatened to shoot if he did not obey. This had the desired effect, and soon the car was motionless.
The occupants were speechless, and their faces betrayed their complete consternation at this sudden turn of affairs. They dropped the eggs, mud, and stones they had ready to hurl49, and stared at the man with the gun.
"Why don't yez go ahead?" Abner asked. "Now's ye'r chance. Tired of ye'r fun, eh? Well, then, jist hop24 out an' run that Tin-Lizzie into the yard here. Git a hustle50 on," he ordered, as the youths hesitated.
Seeing that Abner meant business, the joy-riders scrambled51 out and stood in the road while the car was run into the yard.
"There, that's better," was Abner's comment, when this had been accomplished52. "Now, yez kin hustle."
"But what about the car?" the driver asked, as he alighted. "It doesn't belong to us. We hired it."
"Yez did, eh? Well, then, it's safer here than with sich reckless kids. Scoot along now. I'll keep the car fer damages rendered to that buildin' an' to my dignity."
"Damages!" the driver exclaimed. "Why, we were only having a little fun."
"Is that so? Fun, was it? Well, ye'r fun'll cost ye jist five dollars apiece, an' not a cent less. I'm a specialist, ye see, on all kinds of diseases. You fellers are troubled with swelled53 heads an' want of brains, so five dollars out of y'er inside pockets will be the best cure that I kin recommend."
By this time the joy-riders were very angry, and their language was far from Scriptural. They vowed54 that they wouldn't pay a cent, and that they would have Abner arrested for threatening to shoot them.
"Go ahead," Abner announced. "But before yez git ye'r Tin-Lizzie ye'll fork out that money. I'll give yez jist five minutes to make up ye'r minds. Come here, Zeb," he called. "I might want ye."
The young men were now in a fix, and they discussed the matter in an excited manner.
"We haven't the money," they at length announced.
"All right, then, me hearties55, I'll keep the car."
"Will you take two dollars apiece?" Abner was asked.
"It's five or nuthin'," was the reply. "Hustle up there, fer time's most up."
Finding that their captor was relentless56, with many protests and threatening words the needed forty dollars were at length produced and handed forth57.
"There, that's better," Abner chuckled, as he pocketed the money. "There's ye'r car, so take it an' git."
Abner and Zeb stood and watched the crestfallen58 joyriders as they scrambled on board.
"Don't fer git to send in ye'r bill to ye'r lawyer," Abner called out, as the visitors sped away. He then turned to his companion.
"Where's that plug of T. & B, Zeb?" he asked. "I'm dyin' fer a smoke. Me nerves are pretty shaky.
"I don't believe ye have sich things as nerves," Zeb replied, as he pulled a fig of tobacco from his pocket. "How in the name of all creation kin ye do sich things??
"Brains, gall59, an' luck, that's how, with a little laffin'-gas thrown in. Ho, ho! But, say, there's Tildy an the gals!"
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收听单词发音
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1
havoc
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| n.大破坏，浩劫，大混乱，大杂乱 | |
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kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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scathing
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| adj.（言词、文章）严厉的，尖刻的；不留情的adv.严厉地，尖刻地v.伤害，损害（尤指使之枯萎）( scathe的现在分词) | |
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caption
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| n.说明，字幕，标题；v.加上标题，加上说明 | |
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ridiculed
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| v.嘲笑，嘲弄，奚落( ridicule的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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wiles
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| n.（旨在欺骗或吸引人的）诡计，花招；欺骗，欺诈( wile的名词复数 ) | |
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conclusively
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| adv.令人信服地，确凿地 | |
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villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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ruse
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| n.诡计，计策；诡计 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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whittles
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| v.切，削（木头），使逐渐变小( whittle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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emphatic
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| adj.强调的，着重的；无可置疑的，明显的 | |
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ace
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| n.A牌；发球得分；佼佼者；adj.杰出的 | |
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heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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trump
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| n.王牌，法宝；v.打出王牌，吹喇叭 | |
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hull
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| n.船身；(果、实等的)外壳；vt.去(谷物等)壳 | |
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bantered
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| v.开玩笑，说笑，逗乐( banter的过去式和过去分词 )；（善意地）取笑，逗弄 | |
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dodge
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| v.闪开，躲开，避开；n.妙计，诡计 | |
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rams
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| n.公羊( ram的名词复数 )；(R-)白羊（星）座；夯；攻城槌v.夯实（土等）( ram的第三人称单数 )；猛撞；猛压；反复灌输 | |
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fig
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| n.无花果(树) | |
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heeding
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| v.听某人的劝告，听从( heed的现在分词 ) | |
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hop
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| n.单脚跳，跳跃；vi.单脚跳，跳跃；着手做某事；vt.跳跃，跃过 | |
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waggons
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| 四轮的运货马车( waggon的名词复数 )； 铁路货车； 小手推车 | |
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auto
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| n.(=automobile)(口语)汽车 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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enquired
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| 打听( enquire的过去式和过去分词 )； 询问； 问问题； 查问 | |
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stunt
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| n.惊人表演，绝技，特技；vt.阻碍...发育，妨碍...生长 | |
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corked
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| adj.带木塞气味的，塞着瓶塞的v.用瓶塞塞住( cork的过去式 ) | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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gal
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| n.姑娘，少女 | |
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scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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hitched
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| （免费）搭乘他人之车( hitch的过去式和过去分词 )； 搭便车； 攀上； 跃上 | |
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consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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prescription
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| n.处方，开药；指示，规定 | |
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prescriptions
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| 药( prescription的名词复数 )； 处方； 开处方； 计划 | |
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crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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gals
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| abbr.gallons （复数）加仑（液量单位）n.女孩，少女( gal的名词复数 ) | |
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queried
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| v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 )；询问 | |
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surmise
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| v./n.猜想，推测 | |
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pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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valor
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| n.勇气，英勇 | |
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grievances
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| n.委屈( grievance的名词复数 )；苦衷；不满；牢骚 | |
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48
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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hurl
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| vt.猛投，力掷，声叫骂 | |
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hustle
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| v.推搡；竭力兜售或获取；催促；n.奔忙(碌) | |
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51
scrambled
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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53
swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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54
vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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55
hearties
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| 亲切的( hearty的名词复数 )； 热诚的； 健壮的； 精神饱满的 | |
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56
relentless
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| adj.残酷的，不留情的，无怜悯心的 | |
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57
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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58
crestfallen
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| adj. 挫败的，失望的，沮丧的 | |
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59
gall
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| v.使烦恼，使焦躁，难堪；n.磨难 | |
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