Nevertheless he halted before his mother's door, deeming that it would be advisable to tell her the result of his interview with Agnes and of her threat to denounce him. But he heard the sound of regular breathing and passed on; his mother had quietly fallen asleep, for henceforth she was sure of him and felt that he was safe.
Safe! He looked round his room as though he had just returned from a long and disastrous2 journey. Everything was peaceful and tidy, and he moved about on tiptoe as he began to undress, for the sake of not disturbing that orderliness and silence. His clothes hanging from their hooks, blacker than their shadows on the wall, his hat above them, stuck forward on a wooden peg3, the sleeves of his cassock falling limply as though tired out, all had the vague appearance of some dark and empty phantom4, some fleshless and bloodless vampire5 that inspired a nameless dread6. It was like the shadow of that sin from which he had cut himself free, but which was waiting to follow him again to-morrow on his way through the world.
An instant more, and he perceived with terror that the nightmare obsessed7 him still. He was not safe yet, there was another night to be got through, as the voyager crosses a last stretch of turbulent sea. He was very weary and his heavy eyelids8 drooped9 with fatigue10, but an intolerable anxiety prevented him from throwing himself on his bed, or even sitting down on a chair or resting in any way whatever; he wandered here and there, doing small, unusual, useless things, softly opening drawer after drawer and inspecting what there was inside.
As he passed before the mirror he looked at his own reflection and beheld11 himself grey of face, with purple lips and hollow eyes. "Look well at yourself, Paul," he said to his image, and he stepped back a little so that the lamplight might fall better on the glass. The figure in the mirror stepped back also, as though seeking to escape him, and as he stared into its eyes and noted12 the dilated13 pupils he had a strange impression that the real Paul was the one in the glass, a Paul who never lied and who betrayed by the pallor of his face all his awful fear of the morrow.
"Why do I pretend even to myself a security which I do not feel?" was his silent question. "I must go away this very night as she bade me."
And somewhat calmer for the resolve he threw himself on his bed. And thus, with closed eyes and face pressed into the pillow, he believed he could search more deeply into his conscience.
"Yes, I must leave to-night. Christ himself commands us to avoid creating scandals. I had better wake my mother and tell her, and perhaps we can leave together; she can take me away with her again as she did when I was a child and I can begin a new life in another place."
But he felt that all this was mere14 exaltation and that he had not the courage to do as he proposed. And why should he? He really felt quite sure that Agnes would not carry out her threat, so why should he go away? He was not even confronted with the danger of going back to her and falling into sin again, for he had now been tried and had overcome temptation.
But the exaltation took hold of him again.
"Nevertheless, Paul, you will have to go. Awaken15 your mother and depart together. Don't you know who it is speaking to you? It is I, Agnes. You really believe that I shall not carry out my threat? Perhaps I shall not, but I advise you to go, all the same. You think you have got rid of me? And yet I am within you, I am the evil genius of your life. If you remain here I shall never leave you alone for one single instant; I shall be the shadow beneath your feet, the barrier between you and your mother, between you and your own self. Go."
Then he tried to pacify16 her, in order to pacify his own conscience.
"Yes, I am going, I tell you! I am going—we will go together, you within me, more alive than I myself. Be content, torment17 me no more! We are together, journeying together, borne on the wings of time towards eternity18. Divided and distant we were when our eyes first met and our lips kissed; divided were we then and enemies; only now begins our real union, in thy hatred19, in my patience, in my renunciation."
Then weariness slowly overcame him. He heard a subdued20, continuous moaning outside his window, like a dove seeking her mate: and that mournful cry was like the lament21 of the night itself, a night pale with moonlight, a soft, veiled light, with the sky all flecked with little white clouds like feathers. Then he became aware that it was he himself who was moaning; but sleep was already stealing over him, calming his senses, and fear and sorrow and remembrance faded away. He dreamed he was really on a journey, riding up the mountain paths towards the plateau. Everything was peaceful and clear; between the big yellow elder trees he could see stretches of grass, of a soft green that gave rest to the eyes, and motionless upon the rocks the eagles blinked at the sun.
Suddenly the keeper stood before him, saluted22, and placed an open book on his saddle-bow. And he began to read St. Paul's Epistle to the Corinthians, taking it up at the precise point where he had left off the previous night: "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise and that they are vain."
On Sundays Mass was later than on other days, but Paul always went early to the church to hear the confessions23 of those women who wished to attend Communion later. So his mother called him at the usual time.
He had slept for some hours, a heavy dreamless sleep, and when he woke his memory was a complete blank, he only had a supreme24 desire to go to sleep again immediately. But the knocks on his door persisted, and then he remembered. Instantly he was on his feet, numb25 with dread.
"Agnes will come to church and denounce me before all the people," was his one thought.
He did not know why, but somehow whilst he slept the certainty that she would carry out her threat had taken firm root in his consciousness.
He dropped down in his chair with trembling knees and a sense of complete helplessness. His mind was clouded and confused: he wondered vaguely26 if it would not be possible even now to avert27 the scandal—he might feign28 illness and not say Mass at all, and thus gain time in which he might endeavour to pacify Agnes. But the very idea of beginning the whole thing over again, of suffering a second time all his misery29 of the previous day, only increased his mental torment.
He got up, and his head seemed to hit the sky through the glass of his window, and he stamped his feet on the floor to dispel30 the numbness31 that was paralysing his very blood. Then he dressed, drawing his leather belt tightly round his waist and folding his mantle32 round him as he had seen the hunters buckle33 on their cartridge-belts and wrap themselves up in their cloaks before starting out for the mountains. When at last he flung open his window and leaned out he felt that only then were his eyes awaking to the light of day after the nightmare of the dark hours, only then had he escaped from the prison of his own self to make his peace with external things. But it was a forced peace, full of secret rancour, and it sufficed for him to draw in his head from the cool fresh air outside to the warm and perfumed atmosphere of his room for him to fall back into himself, a prey35 again to his gnawing36 dread.
So he fled downstairs, wondering what he had better tell his mother.
He heard her somewhat harsh voice driving off the chickens who were trying to invade the dining-room, and the fluttering of their wings as they scattered37 before her, and he smelt38 the fragrance39 of hot coffee and the clean sweet scents40 from the garden. In the lane under the ridge34 there was a tinkle41 of bells as the goats were driven to their pasture, little bells that sounded like childish echoes of the cheerful if monotonous42 chime wherewith Antiochus, up in the church tower, summoned the people to wake from sleep and come to hear Mass.
Everything around was sweet and peaceful, bathed in the rosy43 light of early morning. And Paul remembered his dream.
There was nothing to hinder him from going out, from going to church and taking up his ordinary life again. Yet all his fear returned upon him; he was afraid alike of going forward or of turning back. As he stood on the step of the open door he felt as if he were on the summit of some precipitous mountain, it was impossible to get any higher and below him yawned the abyss. So he stood there for unspeakable moments, during which his heart beat furiously and he had the physical sensation of falling, of struggling at the bottom of a gulf44, in a swirl45 of foaming46 waters, a wheel that turned helplessly, vainly beating the stream that swept on its relentless47 course.
It was his own heart that turned and turned helplessly in the whirlpool of life. He closed the door and went back into the house, and sat down on the stairs as his mother had done the previous night. He gave up trying to solve the problem that tortured him and simply waited for some one to come and help him.
And there his mother found him. When he saw her he got up immediately, feeling somehow comforted at once, yet humiliated48, too, in the very depths of his being, so sure was he of the advice she would give him to proceed upon his chosen way.
But at the first sight of him her worn face grew pale, as though refined through grief.
"Paul!" she cried, "what are you doing there? Are you ill?"
"Mother," he said, walking to the front door without turning into the dining-room, "I did not want to wake you last night, it was so late. Well, I went to see her. I went to see her...."
His mother had already recovered her composure and stood looking fixedly49 at him. In the brief silence that followed his words they could hear the church bell ringing quickly and insistently50 as though it were right over the house.
"She is quite well," continued Paul, "but she is very excited and insists that I shall leave the place at once: otherwise she threatens to come to church and create a scandal by denouncing me before the congregation."
His mother kept silence, but he felt her at his side, stern and steadfast51, upholding him, supporting him as she had supported his earliest steps.
"She wanted me to go away this very night. And she said that ... if I did not go, she would come to church this morning.... I am not afraid of her: besides, I don't believe she will come."
He opened the front door and a flood of golden light poured into the dark little passage, as though trying to entice52 him and his mother out into the sunshine. Paul walked towards the church without turning round, and his mother stood at the door looking after him.
She had not opened her lips, but a slight trembling seized her again, and only with an effort could she maintain her outward composure. All at once she went up to her bedroom and hurriedly dressed for church: she was going too, and she, too, drew in her belt and walked with firm steps. And before she left the house she remembered to drive out the intruding53 chickens again, and to draw the coffee-pot to the side of the fire; then she twisted the long end of her scarf over her mouth and chin to hide the obstinate54 trembling that would persist in spite of all her efforts to overcome it.
So it was only with a glance of the eyes that she could return the greetings of the women who were coming up from the village, and of the old men already seated on the low parapet round the square before the church, their black pointed55 caps standing56 out in sharp relief against the background of rosy morning sky.
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1
ascending
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| adj.上升的，向上的 | |
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disastrous
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| adj.灾难性的，造成灾害的；极坏的，很糟的 | |
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peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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phantom
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| n.幻影，虚位，幽灵；adj.错觉的，幻影的，幽灵的 | |
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vampire
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| n.吸血鬼 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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12
noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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dilated
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| adj.加宽的，扩大的v.（使某物）扩大，膨胀，张大( dilate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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14
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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pacify
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| vt.使(某人)平静(或息怒)；抚慰 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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18
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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21
lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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22
saluted
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| v.欢迎，致敬( salute的过去式和过去分词 )；赞扬，赞颂 | |
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23
confessions
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| n.承认( confession的名词复数 )；自首；声明；（向神父的）忏悔 | |
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24
supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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numb
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| adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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27
avert
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| v.防止，避免；转移(目光、注意力等) | |
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feign
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| vt.假装，佯作 | |
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29
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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30
dispel
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| vt.驱走，驱散，消除 | |
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31
numbness
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| n.无感觉，麻木，惊呆 | |
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32
mantle
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| n.斗篷，覆罩之物，罩子；v.罩住，覆盖，脸红 | |
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33
buckle
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| n.扣子，带扣；v.把...扣住，由于压力而弯曲 | |
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ridge
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| n.山脊；鼻梁；分水岭 | |
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35
prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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gnawing
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| a.痛苦的，折磨人的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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38
smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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39
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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40
scents
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| n.香水( scent的名词复数 )；气味；（动物的）臭迹；（尤指狗的）嗅觉 | |
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41
tinkle
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| vi.叮当作响；n.叮当声 | |
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42
monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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44
gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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45
swirl
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| v.(使)打漩，(使)涡卷；n.漩涡，螺旋形 | |
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46
foaming
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| adj.布满泡沫的；发泡 | |
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47
relentless
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| adj.残酷的，不留情的，无怜悯心的 | |
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48
humiliated
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| 感到羞愧的 | |
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49
fixedly
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| adv.固定地；不屈地，坚定不移地 | |
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50
insistently
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| ad.坚持地 | |
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51
steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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52
entice
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| v.诱骗，引诱，怂恿 | |
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53
intruding
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| v.侵入，侵扰，打扰( intrude的现在分词)；把…强加于 | |
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54
obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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55
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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56
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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