That first October night of my residence at Oxford2 is forever memorable3. Before leaving Pope Lane I had been led aside by my father. He had taken it for granted that I was now capable of a man’s follies4 and had warned me against them. Somehow his assumption that I had it in my choice to become a Don Juan warmed my heart; it impressed me as a tribute to my manhood—a tacit acknowledgment that I was a free agent. Free at last!
I did not understand one-tenth part of all that he hinted at. But his presumption6 that I did understand seemed to me a form of compliment. To ask for an explanation was a heroism7 of which I was not capable. So I left home clad in the armor of ignorance to do battle with the world.
Ruthita wanted to accompany me to the station. I would not let her. She was weepy in private; I knew that in public she would be worse. I had inherited my father’s dread8 of sentiment and his fear lest other people should construe9 it as weakness.
At Paddington I met the Bantam; we were entering the same college and traveled up together. We chose our places in a “smoker” by way of emphasizing to ourselves our emancipation10. We tried to appear ordinary and at ease; beneath our mask of carelessness we felt delightfully11 bold and bad. In our carriage were three undergraduates, finished products of indifferent haughtiness12. Though no more than a year our seniors, they loaded their pipes and puffed13 away without fear or furtiveness14. They affected15 to be unaware16 of us. They were infinitely17 bored in manner and addressed the porters in a tone of lackadaisical18, frigid19 tolerance20. What masterfulness! And yet one term of Oxford would give us the right to be like that!—we, who so recently had been liable to be told that children must be seen and not heard. The assurance of these youthful men imperiled our courage.
As we neared Iffley, the domes21 and spires22 of the Mecca of dreamers swam up. The sky was pearl-colored without a cloud. Strewn throughout its great emptiness was the luminous23 dust of stars. All the tinsel ambitions which had lately stirred me were forgotten as the home of lost causes claimed me. I grew large within myself as, in watching its advance behind the river above the tree-tops, I merged24 my personality in this vision of architectural romance. Leaning against the horizon, stretching up and up, out of the murk of dusk and the blood-red decay of foliage25, it symbolized26 for me all the yearning27 after perfection and the passionate28 desire for freedom that had always lain hidden in my heart. I wanted to be like that—the thing that gray pyramided stone seen at twilight29 can alone express—wise, unimpassioned, lovely, immutable30.
We came to a standstill in the shabby station, which of all stations is probably the best beloved.
“Thank the Lord, we’re here at last.”
In a hansom, with a sporting cabby for our driver, we rattled31 through the ancient lamp-lit town where the ghosts of the dead summer rustled32 and reddened against the walls. Past the Castle we sped, through Carfax, down the High, past Oriel and Christ Church till we drew up with a jerk at Lazarus. Whatever we had suffered in the train in the way of lowered opinion of self was now made up to us; the servility of the College porter and scouts33 was eloquent35 of respect. We were undoubtedly36 persons of importance. If we wanted further proof of it, this awaited us in the pile of communications from Oxford tradesmen, notified beforehand of our coming, humbly37 soliciting38 our patronage39.
The Bantam’s room and mine were next door to one another in Augustine’s Quad40; fires were burning in the grates to bid us welcome. The scout34, who acted as guide, seized the opportunity to sell us each a second-hand41 tin bath, a coal-scuttle, and a kettle at very much more than their first-hand prices. We felt no resentment42. His deferential43 manner was worth the extra.
Just as we had commenced unpacking44, the bell began to toll45. We slipped on our gowns and followed the throng46 into a vaulted47, dimly-lighted hall, where we dined at long tables off ancient silver, and had beer set before us. Surely we were men!
That night the Bantam and I sat far into the small, cold hours of the morning; there was no one to worry us to go to bed. When the Bantam had left, I lay awake in a state of bewildered ecstasy48. I had become aware in the last ten hours of my unchartered personality. I realized that my life was my own to command, to make or mar49. As the bells above the sleeping city rang out time’s progress, all the pageant50 of the lads of other ages, who had come up to Oxford star-eyed, as I had come, passed before me. When the withered51 leaves tapped against the walls, I could fancy that it was their footfall. They had come with a chance equal to mine; at the end of a few years they had departed. Some had succeeded and some had failed. Of all that great army which now stretched bivouacked throughout eternity52, only the latest recruits were in sight. The scholar-monks, the soldier-saints, the ruffian-students of early centuries, the cavaliers, the philosophers, and the statesmen, together with the roisterers of the rank and file, were all equally and completely gone.
In the silence of my narrow room, with the flickering53 fire dying in the hearth54, there brooded over me the shadowy darkness of the ages. What religion does for some men, for me the gray poetry of this poignant55 city accomplished56. I had become aware that from henceforth the ultimate responsibility for my actions must rest forever with myself. I was strangely unafraid of this knowledge.
They were dim dawn-days that followed, when the air was filled with star-dust—neither with suns, nor moons, nor stars, only with the excitement of their promise. My world was at twilight, blurred57 and mysterious; only the huge design was clearly discernible—the cracks and imperfections were concealed58 from me, shrouded59 in dusk. I lived in a land of ideals, drawing my rules of conduct from the realism of the classics—a realism which even to the Greeks and Romans was only an aspiration60, never a practice. Existence had for me all the piquant61 fascination62 which comes of half-knowledge—the charming allurement63, leaving room for speculation64, which the glimpse of a girl’s face has at nightfall. It was an age when all things seemed possible, because all were untested.
Gradually, out of the wilderness65 of strange faces, some became more familiar than others; little groups of friends-began to form. The instinctive66 principle on which my set came together was enthusiastic rebellion against convention and eager curiosity concerning existence. One by one, without appointing any place of meeting, we would drift into some man’s room. This usually occurred about eight in the evening, after dinner in hall. The lamp would be left unlighted; the couch would be drawn67 near the fire; then we would commence a conversation which was half jesting and half confessional.
Under the cloak of laughing cynicism we hid a desperate purpose. We wanted to know about life. We sought in each new face to discover if it could tell us. We had nothing to guide us but the carefully prepared disclosures which had been vouchsafed69 us in our homes. We had risen at a bound into a man’s estate, and still retained a boy’s knowledge. We realized that life was bigger, bolder, more adventurous70, more disastrous71 than we had reckoned. Why was it that some men failed, while others had success? What external pressures caused the difference in achievement between Napoleon, for instance, and Charles Lamb? Who was responsible for our varying personalities72? Where did our own responsibility begin, and where did it end?
The problems we argued predated the Decalogue, yet to us they were eternally original and personal. We attacked them with youthful insolence73. The authority of no social institution was safe from our irreverence74. We accepted nothing, neither religion, nor marriage; we had to go back to the beginning and re-mint truth for ourselves. Our real object in coming together was that we might pool our scraps75 of actual experience, and out of these materials fashion our conjectures76.
There was one topic of inexhaustible interest. It permeated77 all our inquiry—woman. We knew so little about her; but we knew that she held the key opening the door to all romance. What gay cavaliers we could be in discussing her, and how sheepish in the presence of one concrete specimen78 of her sex—especially if she were beautiful, and not a relative!
All the adventures we had ever heard of seemed now within our grasp. Woman was the great unknown to us. We knew next to nothing of the penalties—only the romance.
Little by little the boldest among us, recognizing that talk led nowhere, began to put matters to the test. The same shy restraint that had made me afraid of Fiesole when she had tempted79 me to kiss her, made me an onlooker80 now. A saving common sense prompted me to await the proof of events. I acted on instinct, not on principle. The difference between myself and some of my friends was a difference of temperament81. Perhaps it was a difference between daring and cowardice82. There are times when our weaknesses appear to be virtues84, preserving us from shipwreck85. I was capable of tempestuous86 thoughts; while they remained thoughts I could clothe them with idealism and glamor87. But I was incapable88 of impassioned acts; their atmosphere would be beyond my control—the atmosphere of inevitable89 vulgarity which results from contemporary reality. My observation of unrestraint taught me that unrestraint was ugly. In short, I had a pagan imagination at war with a puritan conscience.
In my day, there was no right or wrong in undergraduate Oxford—no moral or immoral90. Every conventional principle of conduct which we had learnt, we flung into the crucible91 of new experience to be melted down and, out of the ordeal92, minted afresh.
We divided ourselves into two classes: those who experimented and those who watched. There was only one sin in our calendar—not to be a gentleman. To be a gentleman, in our sense of the word, was to be a sportsman and to have good manners.
In our private methods of thought we were uninterfered with by those in authority. The University’s methods of disciplining our actions were, and still are, a survival of medi?valism. If an undergraduate was seen speaking to a lady, he had to be able to prove her pedigree or run the risk of being sent down. At nine o’clock Big Tom rang; ten minutes later every college-door was shut and a fine was imposed for knocking in or out. In the streets the proctors and their bulldogs commenced to go the rounds. Until twelve a man was safe in the streets, provided he appeared to be innocently employed and wore his cap and gown. Knocking into college after twelve was a grave offense94.
If a man observed these rules or was crafty95, he might investigate life to his heart’s content. Public opinion was extremely lenient96. Conduct was a purely97 personal matter as long as it did not inconvenience anybody else. If a man had the all-atoning social grace, and was careful not to get caught in an incriminating act, though everybody knew about it from his own lips afterwards, he was not censured98.
My cousin, Lord Halloway, had been a Lazarus man. Oxford still treasured the memory of his amorous99 exploits.
He had been a good deal of a dare-devil and was regarded as something of a hero; he inspired us with awe100, for, despite his recklessness, he had played the game gaily101 and escaped detection. The impression that this kind of thing created was that indiscretions were only indiscreet when they were bungled102. Punishment seemed the penalty for discovery—not for the sin itself. Naturally it was the foolish and less flagrant sinners who got caught. For instance, there was the Bantam.
The first term the Bantam watched and listened. There were occasions when he was a little shocked. When Christmas came round, having no home to go to, he kept on his rooms in college, and spent the vacation in residence. I returned to Pope Lane, and found that the womanliness of Ruthita and the Snow Lady had a sanitary103 effect. The wholesome104 sweetness of their affection, after the hot-house discussions of a group of boyish men, came like a breath of pure air. I fell back into the old trustfulness. I recognized that society had secret restraints and delicacies105, a disclosure of the motives107 for which was not yet allowable; at the proper season life would explain itself.
When college re-assembled I noticed a change in the Bantam. He was soulful and sentimental108—he took more pains with his dressing109. He was continually slipping off by himself; when he returned he volunteered no information as to the purpose of his errand. When the eternal problem of woman was discussed, he smiled in a wise and melancholy110 manner. If he contributed a remark, it was not a guess, but had the air of authoritative111 finality. One night I tackled him. “What have you been up to, Bantam? You know too much.”
He twisted his pipe in his mouth pensively112. “She’s the sweetest little girl in the world.”
He would not tell me her name. He had pledged her his word not to do that. There was a reason—she was working, and she belonged to too high a rank in society to work. She wished to remain obscure, until she could re-instate herself. She was a Cinderella who would one day emerge from poverty into splendor113. The Bantam said his emotions were almost too sacred to talk about. Nevertheless, he meandered114 on with his mystery from midnight to three o’clock. She was a lady and terribly persecuted115. He had come to her rescue just at the identical moment when a good influence was most needed. All through the Christmas Vac he had acted the big brother’s part, shielding her from temptation. She was lovely—there lay the pity of it.
I pointed116 out that there were ten thousand ways of flirting117 with girls, and that this was the most dangerous. His white knighthood was affronted118 by that word flirting. He became indignant and said I was no gentleman.
As time went on, acquaintance after acquaintance would drop in to see me, and would hint gravely at a deep and romantic passion which the Bantam had imparted to them alone. When I informed them that I also was in his confidence, they would repeat to me the same vague story of persecuted loveliness, but always with embellishments. By and by, the embellishments varied119 so irreconcilably120 that I began to suspect that they referred to more than one girl.
Most of us were in love with love in those days; we were all quite certain that an incandescent121 purifying passion lay ahead of us. It might knock at our door any hour—and then our particular problem would be solved. This hope was rarely mentioned. To one another we strove to give the impression of being cynical122 and careless. Yet always, beneath our pose of flippancy123, we were seeking the face pre-destined to be for us the most beautiful in all the world. For myself, I was feverishly124 eager in its quest. I would scour125 the green-gray uplands of the Thames, telling myself that she might lie hidden in the cheerful quiet of some thatched farm. Every new landscape became the possible setting for my individual romance. I lived each day in expectancy126 of her coming. Sometimes at nightfall I would pause outside a lighted shop-window, arrested by a girl’s profile, and would pretend to myself that I had found her. That was how Rossetti found Miss Siddall; perhaps that was how it would happen to myself. One thing was certain: whenever and wherever I found her, whether in the guise127 of shop-girl, dairy-maid, or lady, for me the golden age would commence. I stalked through life on the airy stilts128 of an ?sthetic optimism.
Ah, but the Bantam, he was all for doing! If he could not find the love he wanted, he would seize the next best. Yet he would never admit that he was in love. He deceived himself into believing that he acted on the most altruistic129 motives. If others misunderstood him, it was because they were of grosser fiber130. Other men, doing the things he did, laughingly acknowledged their rakishness; he, however, considered himself a self-appointed knight-errant to ladies in distress131. He became involved in endless entanglements132. It was by appealing to his higher nature with some pitiful story, that his transient attractions caught him.
I never knew a man so unfortunate in his genius for discovering lonely maidens133 in need of his protection. He always meant to be noble and virtuous134, but his temperament was not sufficiently135 frigid to carry him safely through such ticklish136 adventures. He never learnt when to leave off; his fatal and theatric conception of chivalry137 continually led him on to situations more powerfully tempting138. It would be easy to explain him by saying that he was a sentimental ass5. But so were we all. The Bantam came to his ruin because he was lonely, because he had no social means of meeting women who were his equals, and because he was too kind-hearted; but mainly because he attributed to all women indiscriminately a virtue83 which unfortunately they do not all possess.
He sinned accidentally and therefore carelessly—not wisely, but too well. A man like Lord Halloway sinned of set purpose and laid his plans ahead; so far as society’s opinion of him was concerned he came off comparatively scatheless139. The worst that was ever said of him was that he was a gay dog. Women even seemed to like him for it. I suppose he intrigued140 their fancy, and made them long to reform him. From this I learnt that the gaping141 sins of a gay dog are more easily forgiven than the peccadilloes142 of a sentimental donkey.
In the Easter Vacation of our first year at Oxford, the Bantam stayed at Putney. In the same house was an actress, very beautiful and more sorely used by the world than even the first girl. In the summer-time there was a widow at Torquay. In the beginning of our second year of residence there was a bar-maid at Henley. After that they followed in rapid succession. Wherever he went he found some woman starving for his sympathy. They were all ladies and phenomena143 of beauty, to judge from his accounts.
When he came to make confession68 to me, it was a little difficult to follow which particular lady he was talking about. He never mentioned them by name, and seemed to try to give the impression that they were one composite person.
One evening I got him with his back to the wall. “Bantam, who is this Oxford girl—the first one you got to know about?”
Then he admitted that she was a shop-girl. I knew what that meant: some of the Oxford tradesmen engaged girls for the prettiness of their faces, that they might attract custom by flirting with the undergrads. Little by little I narrowed him down in his general statements till I had guessed the shop in which she worked.
“Is she a good girl?” I asked.
Instead of taking offense, he answered, “Dante, the thought of her goodness often makes me ashamed of myself.”
It was evident, though he would not admit it, that this affair at least was serious.
“Then why does she stay there?”
“She can’t help herself.”
“Why can’t she help herself?”
“She’s an orphan144 and has a living to earn. She’s afraid to get out of a situation.”
“But what good are you doing her?”
“Helping her to keep up her courage by letting her know that one man respects her.”
“Don’t you think she may get to expect more than that?”
“Certainly not. Why should she?”
“Just because girls do,” I said. “Do you write her letters?”
“Sometimes.”
“What do you write about?”
He wouldn’t tell me that. Next day I went down to the shop to investigate matters. Since the Bantam wouldn’t listen to sense, I intended to hint to the girl the danger of what she was doing. Of course she could never marry him; but I was morally certain that that was what she was aiming at.
The shop was a stationer’s. I had chosen an hour in the afternoon when it was likely to be empty, everyone being engaged in some form of athletics145. I entered and saw a daintily gowned woman with her back turned towards me. She was all in white. Her waist was of the smallest. She had a mass of honey-colored hair. She swung about at sound of my footstep.
“Why, Kitty, of all people in the world! I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“As good as old times,” she said. “I’ve often seen you pass the window, but I thought you wouldn’t want to know me.”
“And why not?”
“Because of what happened.”
“Rapson?”
She flushed and hung her head. I wondered if she meant what I thought she meant.
I hated to see her sad; she looked so young and pretty. I began to ask her what she was doing.
“Doing! Minding shop, remembering, growing old, and earning my living. It’s just horrid146 to be here, Dante. I have to watch you ‘Varsity men having a good time—and once I belonged to your set. And they come in and stare at me, and pay me silly compliments—and I have to smile and pretend I like it. That’s what I’m paid for. They don’t know how I hate them. When they have their sweethearts and sisters up, they walk past me as though they never knew me.”
“But are they all like that?”
She smiled, and I knew she loved him. When she spoke147 her voice trembled. “There’s one of them is different.”
“Kitty, he’s the one I came to talk about.”
With instinctive foreknowledge of the purpose of my errand, her face became tragic148. “His father’s in India,” I explained. “From what I hear of him he’s very proud. If the Bantam made a marriage that could in any way be regarded as imprudent, he’d cut him off. He’d be ruined. You know how it would be; the world would turn its back on him.”
“What do we care about the world?” she said. “The world’s a coward.”
It was wonderful how coldly practical I could become in dealing149 with another man’s heart affairs—I, who spent my time dreaming of the most extraordinarily150 unconventional marriages.
“The world may be a coward, Kitty, but you have to live in it. Besides, are you sure that the Bantam really cares for you? Have you told him everything?”
She stared into my eyes across the counter with frightened fascination. I knew that I was acting151 like a brute152 and I despised myself. I had hardly meant to ask her the last question—it had slipped out. While we gazed at one another there drifted through my memory all the scenes of that day at Richmond—the gaiety of it, and the hunger with which she had clutched me to her as we punted back in the dark. I understood what this little bit of love must mean to her after her experience of disillusion153.
“No, I have not told him. I daren’t. I’m afraid to lose him. Oh, Dante, don’t tell him; it’s my one last chance to be good.”
“But you’ve got to tell him, Kitty. If his love’s worth anything, he’ll forgive you. He’d be sure to find out after marriage.”
“I don’t care about marriage,” she whispered desperately154.
“Even then, you ought to tell him.”
A customer came into the shop. We tumbled from our height of emotion. It was another example of how reality makes all things prosaic155. She had to compose herself, and go and serve him. He had come to admire her and showed a tendency to dawdle156. His purchase was the excuse for his presence. I had an opportunity to watch her—how charmingly fresh she looked and how girlish. And yet she was three years older than myself—that seemed incredible. At last the customer went.
“Kitty, I feel I’ve been a horrid beast to you—it’s so often like that when one speaks the truth. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I want to see you happy. I’ll not interfere93. You must do what you feel to be right about it.” And with that I left her.
The Bantam was rowing in the college crew that summer. What with training, going to bed early, and keeping up with his work, I saw little of him. The night before the races he came into my room. He looked brilliantly healthy—lean and tanned.
“Are you alone?”
“You can see I am. What’s the trouble?”
He sank into a chair and grinned at me. “It’s all up. I’ve been an awful ass.”
“How?”
“I wrote two letters; one to the widow at Torquay and the other to the actress. They were nice friendly letters, but far too personal. I put ’em in the wrong envelopes.”
“And they’ve sent them back with bitter complaints against your infidelity. Poor old Bantam!”
“They haven’t. They’re keeping them as proof. They’ve both struck out the same line of action and talk about a breach157 of promise suit. They’re both coming to see me to-morrow, and they’re sure to meet. There’ll be a gay old row, and I shall get kicked out of Lazarus.”
I whistled.
“You may well whistle,” he said, ridiculously puckering159 his mouth; “it’s a serious affair. Here have I been trying to be decent to two women, and they’re going to try to make me out a kind of letter-writing Bluebeard. I know quite well I’ve written silly things to them that could be construed160 in a horribly damaging manner. I only meant to be cheery, you know, but I see now that there’ve been times when I’ve crossed the boundary of mere161 friendship. They can both make a case against me I suspect and so can all the other girls. Once the thing leaks into the papers, they’ll all swoop162 down like a lot of vultures to see what they can get.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I can run away to-night without leaving any address. That would leave the crew in the lurch163; we’d get bumped every night on the river—so I can’t do that. I can stop and face it out—let my pater in for all kinds of expense in the way of damages, and get sent down. Or I can marry one of ’em, and so shut all the others’ mouths. It isn’t money they’re wanting—it’s me as a husband. Isn’t it a gay old world?”
He pushed his hands deep into his trouser-pockets and thrust out his legs. He didn’t seem adequately desperate—in fact he gave the impression of being glad this thing had happened. I was puzzling over what I ought to say to him, when it occurred to me that I hadn’t offered any expression of sympathy; I told him I was awfully164 sorry.
“Needn’t be. You see, there’s only one girl I greatly care about, and she’s just all the world. She had a mishap165 some years back with a cad—she only told me a month ago, and because of it she refused to marry me. She’s got it into her head that I’m too good for her. Well, now I can prove to her that it’s the other way about.”
The Bantam ruffled166 his hair. He spoke with genuine feeling; this was quite different from any of his former confessions167. He moistened his lips nervously168, and turned away his eyes from me. “There are some girls,” he said, “who never need to be forgiven. Whatever they’ve done and whatever they’re doing, doesn’t matter. They seem always too pure for us men.”
I leant forward and took his hand. I felt proud of him. “I’ll stand by you, old chap. How can I help?”
“By being awfully decent to these two women to-morrow. Take ’em out on the river and keep ’em quiet. Drug ’em with flattery. They’re both of them immensely good-looking. P’raps if you treat ’em well, they’ll be ashamed to make a row. Then, when Eights’ Week is over and the crew doesn’t want me any longer, I’ll slip up to London, and establish a residence, and get married.”
As he was going out of the room I called him back. “What’s the name of the girl you’re going to marry?”
“Kitty,” he whispered below his breath, as though it were a word too sacred to mention.
The widow from Torquay arrived next morning; so did the actress from Putney. I let each one suppose that the other was my near relative, and never left them for a moment together, lest they should discover their error. I gave them separately to understand that their troubles would be satisfactorily settled. I made much of the rigors169 of training, which compelled the Bantam to absent himself. They didn’t meet him until after they had seen him racing170, by which time he had become a kind of hero to them. I saw them safely off at the station by different trains—so the crash was averted171. When Eights’ Week was ended the Bantam vanished, without explanation to the college. A month later I attended his wedding.
Kitty had asked permission to invite one guest—she wouldn’t tell us his name. When we three had assembled in the little Church of Old St. Mary’s, Stoke Newington, who should come fussing up the aisle172 but my uncle, the Spuffler. He wore a frayed173 frock-coat; the end of his handkerchief was hanging out of his tail-pocket, as usual.
All through the service he gave himself such important airs that the clergyman took it for granted that the bride was his daughter.
We jumped into a couple of hansoms and drove down to Verrey’s to lunch. The Bantam said he knew he couldn’t afford it, but he was determined174 to have one good meal before he busted175. We had a private room set apart for us. The Spuffler tasted the best champagne176 he had drunk since his fiasco. It made him reflective. He kept on telling us that life was a switchback—an affair of ups and downs. The Bantam cut him short by proposing a toast to all the ladies he hadn’t married. And I sat and stared at Kitty, with her cornflower eyes and sky-blue dress, and wondered where my eyes had been that I hadn’t married her myself.
We went to the Parks and took a boat on the Serpentine177. It was there that the Bantam let his bomb burst: he was sailing on the Celtic, via New York, for Canada. He felt sure his father would disown him for having spoilt his Oxford opportunities, so he was going to start life afresh in a land where no one would remember.
In the autumn, when I returned to Lazarus, I had an opportunity to judge how the world treats breakers of convention. No one had a good word to say for the Bantam. Everybody was eager to disclaim178 him as his friend—he had married a shop-girl. Yet Halloway, who sinned cavalierly without twinge of conscience or attempt at reparation, was spoken of, even by persons who had never known him, with a kind of tolerant, admiring affection. So much for what this taught me of social morality. Playing safe, and not ethical179 right or wrong, was the standard of conventional righteousness.
Star-dust days were drawing to an end. The grim, inevitable facts of life were looming180 larger and nearer. Romance was slowly giving way before reality. It was the last year at Oxford for most of the men in my set. Conversations began to take a practical turn, as to how a living might be earned. For myself, I listened with a languid interest. These discussions did not concern my future. I expected that my grandfather would continue my allowance. I should not be forced to sell myself by doing uncongenial, remunerative181 kinds of work. I should have time to mature. I wanted to make a study of the Renaissance182. About twenty years hence I should publish a book; then I should be famous. Meanwhile I should collect my facts, and probably enter Parliament as member for Ransby.
It was wonderful how bravely confident we were. We gazed into the future without fear or tremor183. We all knew that we were sure of success. Already we were picking out the winners—the naturally great men, who would arrive at the top of the tree with the first effort. It was a belief among us that genius was nothing more than concentrated will-power. Then something happened which startled me into a novel display of energy.
Ever since leaving the Red House, the Creature had written me once a week, usually on a Sunday, with clockwork regularity184. One Monday I went to the porter’s lodge185 for my mail and missed his letter. The following morning, glancing down the paper, my eye was attracted by a headline which read, TRAGIC DEATH OF A SCHOOLMASTER. The news-item announced the death of Mr. Murdoch, science master of the Red House. It appeared that the boys had gone down to the laboratory to attend the experimental chemistry class. On opening the door they had been driven back by a powerful smell of gas, but not before they had caught a glimpse of Mr. Murdoch fallen in a heap upon the floor. When the room was entered it was quite evident that the death was not accidental. Every burner in the room was full on, and the ventilators were stopped with rags.
Some days later I received a legal letter informing me that the Creature had left a will in my favor. His total estate amounted to three hundred pounds. I was requested to call at the lawyer’s office. I got leave of absence from my college and went to London. There I learnt that at the time that the will had been made, a little over five years ago, the value of the estate had been a thousand pounds. Of this I had already received over seven hundred, remitted186 to me by his lawyers from time to time according to his instructions. He had originally saved the money in order that he might provide for his sister in the event of his dying first. On her death, he had executed the present will, making me his heir.
So Sir Charles Evrard was not the author of my prosperity! The disappointment of the discovery robbed me for an instant of all sense of gratitude187. I felt almost angry with the Creature for having been the innocent cause of all this building of air-castles. This was the second time that fortune had led me on to expect, only to trick me when the future seemed secure. The uncertainty188 of everything unnerved me. Life seemed to pucker158 its brows and stare down at me with a frown. All the money that had been spent on my education had taught me nothing immediately useful—and now I had a living to earn.
Luckily, just about this time, it was suggested to me that, after I had taken my Finals, I should enter for some of the history fellowships in the autumn. It was expected that I would gain an easy First; if I did that, I had a fair chance of winning a fellowship at my own college.
Now that my fool’s paradise had melted into nothingness, I felt the spur of necessity, and commenced to work strenuously189. Gradually a higher motive106 than the mere hope of reward began to actuate my energy. I wanted to be what the Creature had hoped for me. Now that he was gone, he became very near to me. He was always haunting my memory. He had robbed himself that he might give me my chance. I felt humbled190 that I should have spent his money with so free a hand, while he had been living in comparative poverty. I could picture just how he looked that morning when the boys burst into the laboratory. His hands were stained with chalk. His uncombed hair fell back from his wrinkled forehead. He was wearing the same old clothes—the tweed jacket and gray flannel191 trousers—that I knew so well. Probably he looked both tired and dirty, and a little disreputable.
I reproached myself for the shortness of my letters to him. I saw now, in the light of after events, how I might have been a strength to him. He had given me everything; I had given him nothing. His fineness of feeling had led him to prevent my gratitude. Never by the slightest hint had he left me room to guess that I was beholden to him. And now he was beyond reach of thanks.
I recalled how I had teased him as a youngster, and had courted popularity at his expense. When I was most angry against myself, I would drift back into the class-room where the boys were baiting him, and would hear him making his peace-offering, “Penthil, Cardover? Penthil, Buzzard? Want a penthil?” And then, in spite of indignation, I had to laugh.
When Finals came on I won my First and in the autumn gained a history fellowship at Lazarus. It was worth two hundred pounds a year. It allowed me ample time to travel and was tenable for seven years, on the condition that I did not marry.
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1
stationary
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| adj.固定的，静止不动的 | |
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Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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presumption
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| n.推测，可能性，冒昧，放肆，[法律]推定 | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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construe
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| v.翻译，解释 | |
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emancipation
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| n.（从束缚、支配下）解放 | |
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delightfully
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| 大喜，欣然 | |
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haughtiness
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| n.傲慢；傲气 | |
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puffed
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| adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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furtiveness
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| 偷偷摸摸，鬼鬼祟祟 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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lackadaisical
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| adj.无精打采的，无兴趣的；adv.无精打采地，不决断地 | |
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frigid
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| adj.寒冷的，凛冽的；冷淡的；拘禁的 | |
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tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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domes
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| n.圆屋顶( dome的名词复数 )；像圆屋顶一样的东西；圆顶体育场 | |
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spires
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| n.（教堂的） 塔尖，尖顶( spire的名词复数 ) | |
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luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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merged
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| （使）混合( merge的过去式和过去分词 )； 相融； 融入； 渐渐消失在某物中 | |
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foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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symbolized
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| v.象征，作为…的象征( symbolize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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immutable
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| adj.不可改变的，永恒的 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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rustled
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| v.发出沙沙的声音( rustle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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33
scouts
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| 侦察员[机，舰]( scout的名词复数 )； 童子军； 搜索； 童子军成员 | |
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scout
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| n.童子军，侦察员；v.侦察，搜索 | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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soliciting
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| v.恳求( solicit的现在分词 )；（指娼妇）拉客；索求；征求 | |
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patronage
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| n.赞助，支援，援助；光顾，捧场 | |
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quad
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| n.四方院；四胞胎之一；v.在…填补空铅 | |
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41
second-hand
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| adj.用过的，旧的，二手的 | |
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42
resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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43
deferential
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| adj. 敬意的，恭敬的 | |
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44
unpacking
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| n.取出货物，拆包[箱]v.从（包裹等）中取出（所装的东西），打开行李取出( unpack的现在分词 )；拆包；解除…的负担；吐露（心事等） | |
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toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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vaulted
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| adj.拱状的 | |
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48
ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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mar
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| vt.破坏，毁坏，弄糟 | |
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50
pageant
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| n.壮观的游行；露天历史剧 | |
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51
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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52
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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53
flickering
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| adj.闪烁的，摇曳的，一闪一闪的 | |
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54
hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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56
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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57
blurred
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| v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离 | |
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58
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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59
shrouded
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| v.隐瞒( shroud的过去式和过去分词 )；保密 | |
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60
aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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piquant
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| adj.辛辣的，开胃的，令人兴奋的 | |
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fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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63
allurement
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| n.诱惑物 | |
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64
speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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67
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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69
vouchsafed
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| v.给予，赐予( vouchsafe的过去式和过去分词 )；允诺 | |
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adventurous
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| adj.爱冒险的；惊心动魄的，惊险的，刺激的 | |
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disastrous
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| adj.灾难性的，造成灾害的；极坏的，很糟的 | |
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personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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73
insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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irreverence
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| n.不尊敬 | |
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75
scraps
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| 油渣 | |
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conjectures
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| 推测，猜想( conjecture的名词复数 ) | |
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permeated
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| 弥漫( permeate的过去式和过去分词 )； 遍布； 渗入； 渗透 | |
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specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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80
onlooker
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| n.旁观者，观众 | |
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81
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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82
cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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83
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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shipwreck
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| n.船舶失事，海难 | |
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tempestuous
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| adj.狂暴的 | |
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glamor
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| n.魅力，吸引力 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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immoral
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| adj.不道德的，淫荡的，荒淫的，有伤风化的 | |
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crucible
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| n.坩锅，严酷的考验 | |
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ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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crafty
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| adj.狡猾的，诡诈的 | |
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lenient
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| adj.宽大的，仁慈的 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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censured
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| v.指责，非难，谴责( censure的过去式 ) | |
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amorous
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| adj.多情的；有关爱情的 | |
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100
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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102
bungled
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| v.搞糟，完不成( bungle的过去式和过去分词 )；笨手笨脚地做；失败；完不成 | |
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sanitary
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| adj.卫生方面的，卫生的，清洁的，卫生的 | |
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wholesome
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| adj.适合；卫生的；有益健康的；显示身心健康的 | |
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105
delicacies
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| n.棘手( delicacy的名词复数 )；精致；精美的食物；周到 | |
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106
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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107
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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108
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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109
dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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110
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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authoritative
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| adj.有权威的，可相信的；命令式的；官方的 | |
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112
pensively
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| adv.沉思地，焦虑地 | |
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113
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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114
meandered
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| （指溪流、河流等）蜿蜒而流( meander的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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115
persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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116
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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117
flirting
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的现在分词 ) | |
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118
affronted
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| adj.被侮辱的，被冒犯的v.勇敢地面对( affront的过去式和过去分词 )；相遇 | |
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119
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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120
irreconcilably
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| （观点、目标或争议）不可调和的，不相容的 | |
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121
incandescent
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| adj.遇热发光的， 白炽的，感情强烈的 | |
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122
cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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123
flippancy
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| n.轻率；浮躁；无礼的行动 | |
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124
feverishly
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| adv. 兴奋地 | |
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125
scour
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| v.搜索；擦，洗，腹泻，冲刷 | |
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126
expectancy
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| n.期望，预期，（根据概率统计求得）预期数额 | |
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127
guise
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| n.外表，伪装的姿态 | |
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128
stilts
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| n.（支撑建筑物高出地面或水面的）桩子，支柱( stilt的名词复数 )；高跷 | |
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129
altruistic
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| adj.无私的，为他人着想的 | |
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130
fiber
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| n.纤维，纤维质 | |
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131
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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132
entanglements
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| n.瓜葛( entanglement的名词复数 )；牵连；纠缠；缠住 | |
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133
maidens
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| 处女( maiden的名词复数 )； 少女； 未婚女子； （板球运动）未得分的一轮投球 | |
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134
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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135
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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136
ticklish
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| adj.怕痒的；问题棘手的；adv.怕痒地；n.怕痒，小心处理 | |
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137
chivalry
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| n.骑士气概，侠义；（男人）对女人彬彬有礼，献殷勤 | |
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138
tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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139
scatheless
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| adj.无损伤的，平安的 | |
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140
intrigued
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| adj.好奇的，被迷住了的v.搞阴谋诡计(intrigue的过去式)；激起…的兴趣或好奇心；“intrigue”的过去式和过去分词 | |
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141
gaping
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| adj.口的；张口的；敞口的；多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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142
peccadilloes
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| n.轻罪，小过失( peccadillo的名词复数 ) | |
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143
phenomena
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| n.现象 | |
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144
orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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145
athletics
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| n.运动，体育，田径运动 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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147
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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148
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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149
dealing
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| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
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150
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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151
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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152
brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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153
disillusion
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| vt.使不再抱幻想，使理想破灭 | |
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154
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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155
prosaic
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| adj.单调的，无趣的 | |
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156
dawdle
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| vi.浪费时间；闲荡 | |
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157
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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158
pucker
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| v.撅起，使起皱；n.（衣服上的）皱纹，褶子 | |
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159
puckering
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| v.（使某物）起褶子或皱纹( pucker的现在分词 )；小褶纹；小褶皱 | |
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160
construed
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| v.解释（陈述、行为等）( construe的过去式和过去分词 )；翻译，作句法分析 | |
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161
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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162
swoop
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| n.俯冲，攫取；v.抓取，突然袭击 | |
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163
lurch
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| n.突然向前或旁边倒；v.蹒跚而行 | |
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164
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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165
mishap
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| n.不幸的事，不幸；灾祸 | |
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166
ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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167
confessions
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| n.承认( confession的名词复数 )；自首；声明；（向神父的）忏悔 | |
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168
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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169
rigors
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| 严格( rigor的名词复数 )； 严酷； 严密； （由惊吓或中毒等导致的身体）僵直 | |
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170
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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171
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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172
aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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173
frayed
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| adj.磨损的v.（使布、绳等）磨损，磨破( fray的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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174
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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175
busted
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| adj. 破产了的，失败了的，被降级的，被逮捕的，被抓到的 动词bust的过去式和过去分词 | |
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176
champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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177
serpentine
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| adj.蜿蜒的，弯曲的 | |
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178
disclaim
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| v.放弃权利，拒绝承认 | |
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179
ethical
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| adj.伦理的，道德的，合乎道德的 | |
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180
looming
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| n.上现蜃景（光通过低层大气发生异常折射形成的一种海市蜃楼）v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的现在分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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181
remunerative
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| adj.有报酬的 | |
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182
renaissance
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| n.复活，复兴，文艺复兴 | |
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183
tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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184
regularity
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| n.规律性，规则性；匀称，整齐 | |
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185
lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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186
remitted
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| v.免除（债务），宽恕( remit的过去式和过去分词 )；使某事缓和；寄回，传送 | |
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187
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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188
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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189
strenuously
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| adv.奋发地，费力地 | |
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190
humbled
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| adj. 卑下的，谦逊的，粗陋的 vt. 使 ... 卑下，贬低 | |
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191
flannel
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| n.法兰绒；法兰绒衣服 | |
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